Men Behaving Badly (1992) s03e01 Episode Script
Lovers
What do you reckon on troilism? What, the little puppet chap? No, that's Troy Tempest.
Three-in-a-bed sex.
Threesomes.
Oh, I once turned down an eightsome.
A threesome plus a fivesome.
Vanload of birds pulled up at the lights.
One of them said, "Jump in and give us all a baby.
" That was a bit forward.
It was.
They were nuns.
They'd had a carafe too many.
Ever tried that role-playing in bed? I once asked Dorothy to pretend she was a nurse.
She IS a nurse.
Yeah, it didn't work.
She asked me to be a farmer and rescue her.
You sure she didn't say "fireman"? She did, in fact.
Very embarrassing.
I've still got the smock.
How's your job hunt going? I don't want to rush into anything.
Wouldn't hurt to pay a bit of rent.
Am I a bit behind? How much? Six hundred and fifty-seven quid.
I'd like to spend more time in the flat.
Deb's working part time.
She's upstairs, I'm downstairs.
Like that programme.
"Sad, Horny Neighbour"? No.
Upstairs, Downstairs.
She's finished with Denzil.
I could be in there.
You could only get "in there" if you were both on a desert island and she eats a poisonous berry which makes her desperate for sex.
50/50 chance, you reckon, then? What d'you think of the reading area? I'm going up-market.
Why, Les? The brewery says I was attracting too many old men with dribble hanging out of their mouths.
I got the magazines out of a bin.
Les, there's an old fried egg stuck in this one.
Oh, yeah.
I'll have that.
It says in this survey that 12% of men have paid for sex.
I have.
Did you tell Dorothy? It WAS Dorothy.
Role-playing, yeah? No, she just knew that I was desperate.
How many birds have you been to bed with, then? Oh, difficult to say, really.
It's important to get experience.
Yeah.
How many have YOU had, then? TONY LAUGHS Seriously.
How many have you had? I dunno about you, but I stopped counting about fifty.
Fifty?! Kids' stuff.
I'm a bit of a feminist, you see.
I worship women, every one of them.
Not for very long, obviously.
There's two billion of 'em.
It's a race against time.
Dorothy Hmm? You know sex? Um Is that where two people bounce up and down together with everything flapping about a bit? That's it.
Yeah? You know how some people have had lots of partners and others have had not so many? I love it when you tease me to breaking point with your questions.
How many have you had? You should never ask a woman that question, Gary.
Why not? If she's had a lot, she's a slut.
If not, she's a frigid old witch.
Which one are you? If I had to pigeonhole myself, I'd say I was in the "woman with disappointing boyfriend" category.
What's brought this on? Nothing.
What would you say was average for a girl? 234.
Don't be disgusting! Well, I don't know.
I suppose it's reasonable for people of our age to have had, say, a dozen partners.
Twelve?! For a girl?! Twelve men have? I'm sorry if you think I'm a slut.
No, I'm a bit of a slut myself.
No shortage of frantic humping in MY life.
If you laid all my ex-lovers end to end, they'd probably reach the roundabout by the garage.
I've broadcast my seed pretty thickly, I can tell you.
Thank you for that traffic and farming update.
I've jumped out of one bed straight into the next.
Look, do you want me to go home, or are you genuinely mentally ill? Sorry.
What's the matter? I'm sorry.
If you've got a problem you want to share with me, you've only got to say.
And you will understand? Yeah, of course I will.
CHILDISH MUSIC ON TV 'D is for dopey 'and donkey 'and dry-cleaning.
'Hey, you do one.
'What's this?' Shop.
'Delicatessen.
' DOOR SLAMS OUTSIDE Oh, hi, Tony.
Hi, Debs.
Sorry to hear about you and Denzil.
It hadn't been going well.
It was a question of who said it first.
So, who? HE did ! Would you like to talk about it? No Perhaps I can make you feel less like some bloke's plaything, something to be used and discarded, like a toy a child quickly loses interest in.
I feel better now (!) No problem.
Coffee? I've got my step class.
Can I come? All right, if you hurry.
Yes! Used to be my father's, actually.
He once took pictures of us on the beach in Newquay.
They came back with the horizon on a slope.
So we called the place "Won-quay.
" Comical.
Then the same thing happened in Weston-super-Mare, but we couldn't think of an amusing alternative.
How about Weston-sloping-Mare? That's very good.
It's a pity you weren't on the holiday with us.
Yes, a tragedy.
The year after that, we went to Cardigan.
But we forgot to take the camera.
We also forgot to take our cardigans.
George, please don't make me sit on your head until you can't speak! You seem on edge.
Can I ask you a personal question? I'd like you up against the wall.
I've got to take a picture of you for the security pass.
George, are you entirely happy with the number of sexual partners you've had? Oh, yes.
Marjorie and I are as much in love today as we were when we first met in that fire-damaged Co-op.
I'm worried about getting your ears in.
George, it's nice to meet a man who isn't ashamed to admit that his sexual experience is limited.
But when I was a bachelor, I was like a rat up a drainpipe.
Huge smile.
I hope that us doing some sport together will bring us closer, allow us to spend time together.
Well, you never know.
Don't think it's just a tacky excuse to watch you bending over and sweating.
If I stand here, I can watch and learn.
Excuse me.
I have to go here.
Why? Because I'm blind and I have to be near my friend in case I fall off my step.
Thank you.
Hi, everyone.
Today we're going to have a change.
Face me this way.
Could we try one with me looking a little quizzical? Perhaps something this way.
This is my happy-go-lucky side.
Anthea, it's for a security pass, not Vogue.
It's not often I get the chance to be photographed.
You said your picture was in the local paper.
Yes, but it was a satellite picture.
You could see the whole of Dorking and most of Guildford.
Can I ask you a personal question? Yes? How many men have you been intimate with? Will this affect my Christmas bonus? Never mind, Anthea.
Sex is getting you down.
It's my generation.
A person my age should have got through enough condoms to rubberise Ipswich.
Do you want to? It's my duty as a single guy living in the city.
My bed-post should have 200 notches.
Tony's is incredibly notchy.
How many notches have you got? Three.
That's not very many, is it? Thanks a bunch (!) Does it matter? Yes! Women don't respect you.
You should be proud.
You've resisted trivial involvements.
You've been faithful.
That's rather beautiful.
No, I've been turned down a lot.
Still, think of the time you've saved.
Saved for what? "Gary, Winona Ryder's here to make love to you.
" "No, sorry.
I'm saving the time.
" Shall I make us a nice cup of tea? I love sex surveys.
There's always something like "One man in eight has had sex with a fence.
" Nothing to boast about.
Gary would.
The way he tells it, he's gone from one supermodel to the next.
He doesn't go into details.
He uses phrases like, "I didn't have my trousers on much that week.
" Then he makes his lip go all funny.
How's it going with you and Tony? Oh, I'm just getting over Denzil, letting Tony entertain me.
Wouldn't it be less painful to hire Cannon and Ball? I quite like him.
He's a bit like a puppy.
He runs around, yapping, sniffing anything with a bottom.
Are you going to give it a go? Depends if he can be more sensitive.
There you go, babe.
Down your neck.
What's got an attractive blond head and comes in pints? We were talking about sensitivity.
FEEDBACK FROM MICROPHONE Good evening.
Welcome to the Crown on a typical festive session for our quiz night.
I take it you're in teams already.
Let's have a clean, civilised contest, with no use of encyclopaedias, hand-signals or mobile phones.
Pens and papers at the ready? Question number one.
In which film did Scandinavian beauty Britt Ekland first get her kit off? Right, number two.
You buy eight pints of Skol and half a dozen Pernod chasers out of a twenty quid note.
With your change, how many johnnies can you get from the machine in the karzy? Gary Yeah? I'm going home.
No, no, no.
Stay, please.
They'll get easier.
Question number three.
That's got you, innit? That's a joke question.
The real number three.
In which film did feisty American actress Demi Moore first get her kit off? Right, number four.
This is getting a bit serious.
What is the average number of sexual partners a man aged thirty will have? No peeking at those magazines.
Well, what d'you think, Gary? Fifty.
Fifty? That's quite a lot, isn't it? No, it's about right.
Well, YOU'VE never been to bed with fifty women.
Sorry? There's some serious conferring going on over there.
Quite right.
First prize, remember, all the pork scratchings you can eat in five minutes.
Worth thinking hard about.
I said, you've never been to bed with fifty women.
Yes, I have.
I can prove it.
OK.
DOORBELL RINGS It's open! Hi.
Hi.
It's hot in here.
Yeah, the heating's stuck on.
We'll be down to our skimpy little underthings.
Open a window.
No, we can't.
We sealed them up.
Wasps.
Shall we start? What would you like? Cindy Crawford, Linda Robson, Jaclyn Smith, Marie Helvin, Jerry Hall I don't mind.
Linda Lusardi, Joan Collins Angela Lansbury.
That was a mistake.
LaToya Jackson, Cher.
You've got a lot.
We're missing Raquel Welch.
Who does the best exercises? We don't EXERCISE to them.
Well, I don't know.
You choose.
You seem to be an expert.
OK.
MUSIC PLAYS Lovely! I'm interested in photography.
It's a rather good hobby.
I had a pleasant time enlarging the pictures I took the other day.
Oh, super! This office sounds like an episode of Little House on the Prairie.
Well, we're the Little Office on the Prairie.
Don't be twee, Anthea.
I thought we mind send this up to head office for the staff magazine.
Yes.
"The London staff, before they are released into the community.
" No more photography, please.
It is all work-related.
No, George.
You can't tell if you're a clerk or Lord bloody Lichfield.
I've made you a little case for your security pass.
Oh, thanks, Anthea.
I had lots of material left over, so I made us all Tupperware pouches.
Thank you very much indeed.
Well, you seemed down in the mouth.
Not any more.
I've got to prove I've had fifty lovers when I've only had three and I now own a Tupperware pouch.
Who were these three lady friends? Well, the first one was Pat.
That wasn't her name.
People called her that because you only had to pat her and she'd let you do it.
She had a dimple.
Used to keep a Trebor mint in it.
Like people put a cigarette behind their ear.
Then there was Lesley.
She left me at Christmas.
Bought me a cashmere coat and a gold tie-pin.
What did you buy her? Tissues.
A box of tissues? Of course! I wouldn't give her LOOSE tissues! And then there was Dorothy.
Ah, she's a lovely lady.
Yeah, she is.
Of course, she's quite Scary.
How can I prove to her that I've had so many lovers when they'd all fit into one cardboard box? Where did you get those marks from? What marks? Those marks.
Oh, they just come and go.
I rescued this cat from a burning warehouse when I was seventeen, and while I was doing it, this radiator fell on my legs.
Nasty.
Hmm.
Hey, Debs! Debs! INAUDIBLE 'Oh, God! I'm supposed to wave back.
' 'That baldy Marine Boy! Huh! 'Right! 'Here we go.
Can't be that hard.
'Just walk to the end.
'Oh, no.
'Yeah, this is better.
'That's it.
'It's not that far down.
'Just stand up.
'Oh, dear.
' Tony vomited off the top board of the pool yesterday afternoon.
Oh, very Tony.
Apparently the filter mechanism exploded.
Yeah, I can imagine.
What was he doing on the top board? Just standing up there, vomiting.
Trying to impress Deborah? Yeah.
Now he won't add her to his list.
Yeah.
When are you going to show me evidence of your sexual career? OK.
No, Gary, it doesn't matter No, we shouldn't have any secrets.
Here we are.
Photos of the women in my life whose existence you doubt.
Nicola.
The day we met.
I didn't have my trousers on much that week.
And that's me with Tiffany, horsing around.
HE WHINNIES Don't get me onto Tiffany.
What are you trying to prove? Nothing.
I've got some letters here.
Here's one from Caroline.
Carolyn.
Carolyn.
Nice girl.
Half Cherokee.
Her spelling seems to be as bad as yours.
Really? You think so? I think she spells "You are an astonishing lover" rather well.
Listen, Gary, I didn't know about any of this, and it's Well, it's hurtful.
Fair's fair.
You tried to make me out to be a liar and a pathetic guy.
Oh, come on! It doesn't matter.
There.
Hello! Gary, hold me properly! Gary! Not disturbing anything, am I? No.
What are you doing with my photographs? They're MY photographs.
That's Mandy Sturges.
And there's Sarah.
Did you go out with Mandy and Sarah, too? Look, that's me with the brunette.
Yeah (!) That's Anthea, Gary.
What about the letters? Alarm bells are ringing.
"Yours faithfully, George" is crossed out and replaced with "All my love, Moist-Thighs.
" So you knew? Oh, Gary, I ALWAYS know.
Turn it up.
It's good, this bit.
Won't it wake Dorothy? Nah! We could strap her to the Gatwick Express, she wouldn't wake up.
DANCE MUSIC 'Mmm We're raising our pelvises 'and tilting them! 'Tilt that pelvis! You feel good now, don't you?' SOUND TURNED OFF It's funny about sex.
When I'm going out with someone, I get the hots for my last but one partner.
You know what I mean? No, I don't suppose you do.
Sorry.
You'd be stupid to measure success by the number of birds you've had.
You're right.
Fair play.
You've been doing it all day, though.
Hmm.
How's Debs? Brilliant.
Things are hotting up.
Played squash today.
Any good? Great.
Had to finish early.
Why? She broke her racket on me head.
Turn it up.
MUSIC RESUMES 'OK, then! Stretch those thighs! 'Yeah, I know it's hurting.
'OK, now! Up on your haunches! 'Let's make every day a buttock-firming day!' Classic! Classic! BBC - 1994
Three-in-a-bed sex.
Threesomes.
Oh, I once turned down an eightsome.
A threesome plus a fivesome.
Vanload of birds pulled up at the lights.
One of them said, "Jump in and give us all a baby.
" That was a bit forward.
It was.
They were nuns.
They'd had a carafe too many.
Ever tried that role-playing in bed? I once asked Dorothy to pretend she was a nurse.
She IS a nurse.
Yeah, it didn't work.
She asked me to be a farmer and rescue her.
You sure she didn't say "fireman"? She did, in fact.
Very embarrassing.
I've still got the smock.
How's your job hunt going? I don't want to rush into anything.
Wouldn't hurt to pay a bit of rent.
Am I a bit behind? How much? Six hundred and fifty-seven quid.
I'd like to spend more time in the flat.
Deb's working part time.
She's upstairs, I'm downstairs.
Like that programme.
"Sad, Horny Neighbour"? No.
Upstairs, Downstairs.
She's finished with Denzil.
I could be in there.
You could only get "in there" if you were both on a desert island and she eats a poisonous berry which makes her desperate for sex.
50/50 chance, you reckon, then? What d'you think of the reading area? I'm going up-market.
Why, Les? The brewery says I was attracting too many old men with dribble hanging out of their mouths.
I got the magazines out of a bin.
Les, there's an old fried egg stuck in this one.
Oh, yeah.
I'll have that.
It says in this survey that 12% of men have paid for sex.
I have.
Did you tell Dorothy? It WAS Dorothy.
Role-playing, yeah? No, she just knew that I was desperate.
How many birds have you been to bed with, then? Oh, difficult to say, really.
It's important to get experience.
Yeah.
How many have YOU had, then? TONY LAUGHS Seriously.
How many have you had? I dunno about you, but I stopped counting about fifty.
Fifty?! Kids' stuff.
I'm a bit of a feminist, you see.
I worship women, every one of them.
Not for very long, obviously.
There's two billion of 'em.
It's a race against time.
Dorothy Hmm? You know sex? Um Is that where two people bounce up and down together with everything flapping about a bit? That's it.
Yeah? You know how some people have had lots of partners and others have had not so many? I love it when you tease me to breaking point with your questions.
How many have you had? You should never ask a woman that question, Gary.
Why not? If she's had a lot, she's a slut.
If not, she's a frigid old witch.
Which one are you? If I had to pigeonhole myself, I'd say I was in the "woman with disappointing boyfriend" category.
What's brought this on? Nothing.
What would you say was average for a girl? 234.
Don't be disgusting! Well, I don't know.
I suppose it's reasonable for people of our age to have had, say, a dozen partners.
Twelve?! For a girl?! Twelve men have? I'm sorry if you think I'm a slut.
No, I'm a bit of a slut myself.
No shortage of frantic humping in MY life.
If you laid all my ex-lovers end to end, they'd probably reach the roundabout by the garage.
I've broadcast my seed pretty thickly, I can tell you.
Thank you for that traffic and farming update.
I've jumped out of one bed straight into the next.
Look, do you want me to go home, or are you genuinely mentally ill? Sorry.
What's the matter? I'm sorry.
If you've got a problem you want to share with me, you've only got to say.
And you will understand? Yeah, of course I will.
CHILDISH MUSIC ON TV 'D is for dopey 'and donkey 'and dry-cleaning.
'Hey, you do one.
'What's this?' Shop.
'Delicatessen.
' DOOR SLAMS OUTSIDE Oh, hi, Tony.
Hi, Debs.
Sorry to hear about you and Denzil.
It hadn't been going well.
It was a question of who said it first.
So, who? HE did ! Would you like to talk about it? No Perhaps I can make you feel less like some bloke's plaything, something to be used and discarded, like a toy a child quickly loses interest in.
I feel better now (!) No problem.
Coffee? I've got my step class.
Can I come? All right, if you hurry.
Yes! Used to be my father's, actually.
He once took pictures of us on the beach in Newquay.
They came back with the horizon on a slope.
So we called the place "Won-quay.
" Comical.
Then the same thing happened in Weston-super-Mare, but we couldn't think of an amusing alternative.
How about Weston-sloping-Mare? That's very good.
It's a pity you weren't on the holiday with us.
Yes, a tragedy.
The year after that, we went to Cardigan.
But we forgot to take the camera.
We also forgot to take our cardigans.
George, please don't make me sit on your head until you can't speak! You seem on edge.
Can I ask you a personal question? I'd like you up against the wall.
I've got to take a picture of you for the security pass.
George, are you entirely happy with the number of sexual partners you've had? Oh, yes.
Marjorie and I are as much in love today as we were when we first met in that fire-damaged Co-op.
I'm worried about getting your ears in.
George, it's nice to meet a man who isn't ashamed to admit that his sexual experience is limited.
But when I was a bachelor, I was like a rat up a drainpipe.
Huge smile.
I hope that us doing some sport together will bring us closer, allow us to spend time together.
Well, you never know.
Don't think it's just a tacky excuse to watch you bending over and sweating.
If I stand here, I can watch and learn.
Excuse me.
I have to go here.
Why? Because I'm blind and I have to be near my friend in case I fall off my step.
Thank you.
Hi, everyone.
Today we're going to have a change.
Face me this way.
Could we try one with me looking a little quizzical? Perhaps something this way.
This is my happy-go-lucky side.
Anthea, it's for a security pass, not Vogue.
It's not often I get the chance to be photographed.
You said your picture was in the local paper.
Yes, but it was a satellite picture.
You could see the whole of Dorking and most of Guildford.
Can I ask you a personal question? Yes? How many men have you been intimate with? Will this affect my Christmas bonus? Never mind, Anthea.
Sex is getting you down.
It's my generation.
A person my age should have got through enough condoms to rubberise Ipswich.
Do you want to? It's my duty as a single guy living in the city.
My bed-post should have 200 notches.
Tony's is incredibly notchy.
How many notches have you got? Three.
That's not very many, is it? Thanks a bunch (!) Does it matter? Yes! Women don't respect you.
You should be proud.
You've resisted trivial involvements.
You've been faithful.
That's rather beautiful.
No, I've been turned down a lot.
Still, think of the time you've saved.
Saved for what? "Gary, Winona Ryder's here to make love to you.
" "No, sorry.
I'm saving the time.
" Shall I make us a nice cup of tea? I love sex surveys.
There's always something like "One man in eight has had sex with a fence.
" Nothing to boast about.
Gary would.
The way he tells it, he's gone from one supermodel to the next.
He doesn't go into details.
He uses phrases like, "I didn't have my trousers on much that week.
" Then he makes his lip go all funny.
How's it going with you and Tony? Oh, I'm just getting over Denzil, letting Tony entertain me.
Wouldn't it be less painful to hire Cannon and Ball? I quite like him.
He's a bit like a puppy.
He runs around, yapping, sniffing anything with a bottom.
Are you going to give it a go? Depends if he can be more sensitive.
There you go, babe.
Down your neck.
What's got an attractive blond head and comes in pints? We were talking about sensitivity.
FEEDBACK FROM MICROPHONE Good evening.
Welcome to the Crown on a typical festive session for our quiz night.
I take it you're in teams already.
Let's have a clean, civilised contest, with no use of encyclopaedias, hand-signals or mobile phones.
Pens and papers at the ready? Question number one.
In which film did Scandinavian beauty Britt Ekland first get her kit off? Right, number two.
You buy eight pints of Skol and half a dozen Pernod chasers out of a twenty quid note.
With your change, how many johnnies can you get from the machine in the karzy? Gary Yeah? I'm going home.
No, no, no.
Stay, please.
They'll get easier.
Question number three.
That's got you, innit? That's a joke question.
The real number three.
In which film did feisty American actress Demi Moore first get her kit off? Right, number four.
This is getting a bit serious.
What is the average number of sexual partners a man aged thirty will have? No peeking at those magazines.
Well, what d'you think, Gary? Fifty.
Fifty? That's quite a lot, isn't it? No, it's about right.
Well, YOU'VE never been to bed with fifty women.
Sorry? There's some serious conferring going on over there.
Quite right.
First prize, remember, all the pork scratchings you can eat in five minutes.
Worth thinking hard about.
I said, you've never been to bed with fifty women.
Yes, I have.
I can prove it.
OK.
DOORBELL RINGS It's open! Hi.
Hi.
It's hot in here.
Yeah, the heating's stuck on.
We'll be down to our skimpy little underthings.
Open a window.
No, we can't.
We sealed them up.
Wasps.
Shall we start? What would you like? Cindy Crawford, Linda Robson, Jaclyn Smith, Marie Helvin, Jerry Hall I don't mind.
Linda Lusardi, Joan Collins Angela Lansbury.
That was a mistake.
LaToya Jackson, Cher.
You've got a lot.
We're missing Raquel Welch.
Who does the best exercises? We don't EXERCISE to them.
Well, I don't know.
You choose.
You seem to be an expert.
OK.
MUSIC PLAYS Lovely! I'm interested in photography.
It's a rather good hobby.
I had a pleasant time enlarging the pictures I took the other day.
Oh, super! This office sounds like an episode of Little House on the Prairie.
Well, we're the Little Office on the Prairie.
Don't be twee, Anthea.
I thought we mind send this up to head office for the staff magazine.
Yes.
"The London staff, before they are released into the community.
" No more photography, please.
It is all work-related.
No, George.
You can't tell if you're a clerk or Lord bloody Lichfield.
I've made you a little case for your security pass.
Oh, thanks, Anthea.
I had lots of material left over, so I made us all Tupperware pouches.
Thank you very much indeed.
Well, you seemed down in the mouth.
Not any more.
I've got to prove I've had fifty lovers when I've only had three and I now own a Tupperware pouch.
Who were these three lady friends? Well, the first one was Pat.
That wasn't her name.
People called her that because you only had to pat her and she'd let you do it.
She had a dimple.
Used to keep a Trebor mint in it.
Like people put a cigarette behind their ear.
Then there was Lesley.
She left me at Christmas.
Bought me a cashmere coat and a gold tie-pin.
What did you buy her? Tissues.
A box of tissues? Of course! I wouldn't give her LOOSE tissues! And then there was Dorothy.
Ah, she's a lovely lady.
Yeah, she is.
Of course, she's quite Scary.
How can I prove to her that I've had so many lovers when they'd all fit into one cardboard box? Where did you get those marks from? What marks? Those marks.
Oh, they just come and go.
I rescued this cat from a burning warehouse when I was seventeen, and while I was doing it, this radiator fell on my legs.
Nasty.
Hmm.
Hey, Debs! Debs! INAUDIBLE 'Oh, God! I'm supposed to wave back.
' 'That baldy Marine Boy! Huh! 'Right! 'Here we go.
Can't be that hard.
'Just walk to the end.
'Oh, no.
'Yeah, this is better.
'That's it.
'It's not that far down.
'Just stand up.
'Oh, dear.
' Tony vomited off the top board of the pool yesterday afternoon.
Oh, very Tony.
Apparently the filter mechanism exploded.
Yeah, I can imagine.
What was he doing on the top board? Just standing up there, vomiting.
Trying to impress Deborah? Yeah.
Now he won't add her to his list.
Yeah.
When are you going to show me evidence of your sexual career? OK.
No, Gary, it doesn't matter No, we shouldn't have any secrets.
Here we are.
Photos of the women in my life whose existence you doubt.
Nicola.
The day we met.
I didn't have my trousers on much that week.
And that's me with Tiffany, horsing around.
HE WHINNIES Don't get me onto Tiffany.
What are you trying to prove? Nothing.
I've got some letters here.
Here's one from Caroline.
Carolyn.
Carolyn.
Nice girl.
Half Cherokee.
Her spelling seems to be as bad as yours.
Really? You think so? I think she spells "You are an astonishing lover" rather well.
Listen, Gary, I didn't know about any of this, and it's Well, it's hurtful.
Fair's fair.
You tried to make me out to be a liar and a pathetic guy.
Oh, come on! It doesn't matter.
There.
Hello! Gary, hold me properly! Gary! Not disturbing anything, am I? No.
What are you doing with my photographs? They're MY photographs.
That's Mandy Sturges.
And there's Sarah.
Did you go out with Mandy and Sarah, too? Look, that's me with the brunette.
Yeah (!) That's Anthea, Gary.
What about the letters? Alarm bells are ringing.
"Yours faithfully, George" is crossed out and replaced with "All my love, Moist-Thighs.
" So you knew? Oh, Gary, I ALWAYS know.
Turn it up.
It's good, this bit.
Won't it wake Dorothy? Nah! We could strap her to the Gatwick Express, she wouldn't wake up.
DANCE MUSIC 'Mmm We're raising our pelvises 'and tilting them! 'Tilt that pelvis! You feel good now, don't you?' SOUND TURNED OFF It's funny about sex.
When I'm going out with someone, I get the hots for my last but one partner.
You know what I mean? No, I don't suppose you do.
Sorry.
You'd be stupid to measure success by the number of birds you've had.
You're right.
Fair play.
You've been doing it all day, though.
Hmm.
How's Debs? Brilliant.
Things are hotting up.
Played squash today.
Any good? Great.
Had to finish early.
Why? She broke her racket on me head.
Turn it up.
MUSIC RESUMES 'OK, then! Stretch those thighs! 'Yeah, I know it's hurting.
'OK, now! Up on your haunches! 'Let's make every day a buttock-firming day!' Classic! Classic! BBC - 1994