Merry Happy Whatever (2019) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Everyone, everyone, gather around.
I'm excited to introduce you to the future home of - Eagles Eggies! - Yeah! - [SEAN.]
Huh? - Wow.
- [LAUGHS.]
- He's really doing it.
He's really, really doing it.
[JOY.]
He sure is.
I found the more "reallys" you put in that sentence doesn't make him change his mind.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- Uh - [KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
You okay, big guy? [CHUCKLES.]
Copy that.
Won't refer to you as big guy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nancy's not coming to our New Year's Eve party.
Which I saw coming.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
She made it clear that [CHUCKLES.]
it wasn't going to work out with us, so Okay.
Have an eggie, Dad.
I'm gonna call this one "The Don.
" No substitutions, no modifications, no nonsense.
Well, I got to start packing.
Alan's gonna be home at 12 and I want to make sure I get all the good light bulbs.
Hey, um [INHALES.]
How are things going over there? Well, it's been hard, but we just wanted different things.
Or actually the same thing.
It's complicated.
All right, Sean, let's get this Popsicle truck out of my driveway.
Oh, oh, wait! You guys, I have an announcement.
Uh I'm not moving back to Philly.
- [ALL MURMURING.]
- After game night, I called my boss in LA, and I used the job offer that Dad got me behind my back as leverage to get a better offer.
So I'm staying in LA.
What? Yeah, Dad, your whole trick-Emmy-into-moving-home plan failed.
For once, you couldn't bully one of us into getting your own way.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [SEAN EXHALES.]
I'm gonna call the extra spicy eggie "The Emmy.
" Keep calm.
Keep calm.
- Everything okay, Pats? - Yeah.
I found a little twist in this roller-coaster ride of a puzzle we've been working on.
We're missing a piece.
Right in the middle, part of Santa's beard.
I'm not saying it ruins the holidays, but it doesn't make them better.
You'll help me look.
Yeah, I'll check by the coffee.
Well, he's not coming back.
Gone too soon, Baby Duck.
[TODD SIGHS.]
- [GASPS.]
- The orange juice went bad! It's just a bad OJ situation.
Oh.
'Cause it looked like you were pouring one out to someone.
Not Matt.
It's Matt.
He gave me the cop eyes.
It's just We sort of got close with Matt over the last ten days, and he had a pretty tough time here, which I know is kind of what you wanted.
I didn't want Matt to have a tough time.
I just I'm the dad.
That's what dads do.
Okay.
Whatever you say.
Oh, come on.
You don't think what Emmy said out front is true, do you? That I bully the family? - What? No.
- Not at all.
[TODD.]
Unh-unh.
I mean [CHUCKLES.]
Sometimes you might be a tiny bit - gruff.
- Maybe a dot controlling.
But do we pray that you'll appreciate us and acknowledge how much we put up with? Do we constantly walk on egg shells around you and fear your wrath? - What? No.
- Not at all.
- Unh-unh.
- Okay.
Fine.
I'll go talk to Matt.
Which one of you is he staying with? Wait, he's not with you? I'll just call him.
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Don Quinn? [SCOFFS.]
Uh, decline.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
I love LA.
Do you spark joy? No, you do not.
Thank you, red cardigan.
[KNOCKS.]
Oh.
Hey, Vanessa.
Hi.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sorry to barge in.
Alan didn't have much for me to do today.
So I just thought I'd come over, see if you needed any help packing.
Cute red cardigan.
Right? I was just putting it on.
Hey, I was sorry to hear about you and Alan splitting up, by the way.
- Oh.
- But I can't say I was all that surprised.
- Really? - Yeah.
Over the years, I picked up on a vibe that maybe you weren't into him in you know, that way.
I give off a vibe? At least, I was hoping you were giving off a vibe.
Oh, I was.
Yeah, I am.
Um I'm vibing.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm vibrant.
- Oh, Dad! Hey, hi! - Hey.
- Uh thank you for helping me, Vanessa.
- Oh.
Was it "Vanessa?" Yeah.
- Hi.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hi.
[DON CHUCKLES.]
Hi, sweetie.
How you holding up? - Better than I thought, actually.
- [CHUCKLES.]
That's the spirit.
You know, a lot of people would see moving back here into their childhood bedroom as a giant step backwards.
But not my Kay.
[CHUCKLES.]
You just come here to give me that little pep talk, Dad? No.
Actually, I wanted to ask you about something.
You know how Emmy's really mad at me? I have eyes and ears, yes.
Well, she ended up getting a better job and she seems even madder.
- And I was talking to Frick and Frack.
- Todd and Joy.
And they were yammering on about how I "intimidated" Matt, and I I mean, okay, fine.
I didn't give him my blessing.
It was more than that.
I mean, from the day they got here, you made it clear you didn't approve.
How could that not affect them? Matt and Emmy had their problems, but you made it way worse.
Well, why didn't anybody say anything? Dad, you don't know how hard it is to tell you something you don't want to hear.
Trust me.
Even if it's something you desperately need to say.
Oh, come on.
That's ridiculous! Oh.
Now I hear it.
[SIREN WAILS.]
[DON OVER SPEAKER.]
Emmy Quinn.
Please, stop and talk to your dad.
[EXHALES.]
Kayla said you were on a run.
So I've been driving around looking for you.
[DON CHUCKLES.]
I brought you a LUNA Bar.
I hear they're for active gals.
- I don't want to talk to you, Dad.
- Hey, then just listen, okay? Look, I meddled in your life.
I've made things hard for you and Matt.
I don't want to be the reason that you two don't work out.
I can't take the guilt.
So, please just call him, get back together.
I should get back with Matt so that you can feel better? Yes.
No.
So that you can feel better, and me a little.
I just want us - to be okay.
- Yeah.
I'm I'm sure you do, Dad.
But Matt's in LA, and I'm here, and we're done.
So, you can't fix this.
Yes, I can.
- There must be something.
- No, Dad, there's not.
Okay? What's done is done.
I swear, Vanessa's all I've thought about since yesterday.
She said you had a vibe? You've had more luck with girls in one week than I've had in 15 years.
[SIGHS.]
Like, I should be feeling free, but with the way my family is, I just feel more trapped than ever.
I get it.
I mean, as someone who's spent years hiding behind my band - Not the same.
- Knew it as I said it.
I'm just saying, your family loves you, and when you decide to come out, they'll accept you.
And if they don't, you can always come stay with me at my buddy Gabe's place.
It's tiny and right by the airport.
So, uh you're moving out, huh? [MATT.]
Yup.
Thought it'd be good for me to get out of here before Emmy, uh - How's she doing? - [KAYLA.]
Ah, you know.
Doing a lot of winter jogging.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Well, I'm glad she has you.
Anyway, Gabe's here to help me move.
I got to go.
[KAYLA.]
Good luck.
Oh, and hey I hope one day I'm able to help you the way you've helped me.
Ooh, like maybe we find you some better jeans.
[EXHALES.]
Hello, rock star.
Is this a bad idea? You saw Don yesterday when he was talking about Nancy and Emmy.
He was all vulnerable.
Made me feel bad for him, and I don't need that.
Nancy, hi.
This family.
Look, I know it's none of our business.
I feel like you don't.
We get it.
Don can be gruff.
I mean, if we weren't married into his family, we wouldn't hang out with him at all.
Yeah.
He's scary.
[CHUCKLES.]
- He haunts my dreams.
- We're getting off track.
Things with Don didn't fizzle out because of any of that.
It's because he's not over Margaret.
Nancy, if you could have seen the look on his face yesterday, you'd know who he's not over.
You.
She means you.
Look, just don't give up on him.
I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but I need to get back to work.
So, if you'll excuse me, I need to figure out who this finger belongs to.
- Proud of you for not throwing up.
- It's a long walk to the car.
Anything could happen.
[MATT CLEARS THROAT.]
- [DON EXHALES.]
- Don.
[MATT CHUCKLES.]
Seriously, uh, how long you planning on staying? Until you agree to come back to Philly and make up with Emmy.
So I guess it's up to you.
[MATT CLICKS TONGUE.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Please be careful with that.
- Whoa.
- [DON.]
Mm-hmm.
I used to play when I was a teenager.
[PLAYS RHYTHM.]
- Actually, uh, your index finger's on the wrong fret.
- I know.
Which? Oh.
There.
[CONTINUES PLAYING.]
- [BOTH PLAY.]
- [MATT CHUCKLES.]
A lot of scenarios played out in my head when I saw you at the door.
This definitely wasn't one of 'em.
Yeah.
You were terrified.
[BOTH STOP PLAYING.]
[DON.]
Uh, Matt.
I just want to say that I was maybe a little harder on you than I should have been over the last week.
Are you apologizing? No.
I'm just saying that, um, if if I did anything that got in the way of you and Emmy uh and I guess I did.
[INHALES.]
I feel, um bad about that.
And Yeah, okay.
Sorry.
Don Quinn apologized to me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Dear Diary [CHUCKLES.]
No, I I appreciate it.
It means a lot.
[CHUCKLES.]
Great.
Well, let's get back to Philly.
Plane leaves in two hours.
We should be there in time for the family New Year's Eve party.
Come on.
No, Mr.
Quinn.
No? [SCOFFS.]
You don't get to control things anymore.
You did it when you were trying to break us up.
You're doing it now when you're trying to get us back together.
[CHUCKLES.]
This time it's not going to work.
What's done is done.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's exactly what Emmy said.
What's done is done.
The two of you, you're a perfect fit.
Not anymore.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, my God.
It's my office in LA.
- [CONTINUES RINGING.]
- This must be the official job offer.
Wow.
How personal and important.
Put it on speaker.
Go for Emmy.
- [SANDRA.]
Hi, Emmy.
It's Sandra at Pricewaterhouse.
- Hi.
[SANDRA.]
So, the good news is the position you're interested in is available.
[WHISPERS.]
Loving the suspense.
[SANDRA.]
But unfortunately, it's not in Los Angeles like you requested.
It's in London.
[WHISPERS.]
Well, make sure she doesn't mean London, Ohio.
[SANDRA.]
It's yours if you want it, so let us know ASAP, and Happy New Year.
Uh Yeah.
You too.
Uh Cheerio.
[EMMY LAUGHS.]
Holy crap.
London? Oh, I already follow Kate Middleton on Insta.
She's so hot.
In a wow-what-a-good-mom kind of way.
So you're gonna take it, right? I don't know.
[EMMY SIGHS.]
Part of the reason I wanted to take the job in LA, other than sticking it to Dad, was it meant there was a chance Matt and I could work things out, but if I take the job in London we're definitely over.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, I'm not eating sugar right now, but if you need me to pull over and get you some Hà¤agen-Dazs, we can make that happen.
[LIGHT THUD.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING.]
[SIGHS.]
Hey.
That ice cream wasn't supposed to be a get-out-of-helping-Kayla-move card.
Just call him already.
I thought that was you guys.
Hey.
Hi.
Um, have you seen a puzzle piece? It's tiny, has little indentations, looks like it would be part of a puzzle.
Pats, no.
Move, move.
Okay, I'm gonna check the cuff of your pants real quick.
I'm gonna drop this box right on your head.
Okay.
So, you sent me to voicemail.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's fine.
Anyway, I have some big news.
It's about a job.
Um And I want to talk about it.
And about other stuff.
So, just [INHALES DEEPLY.]
please call me back.
[SIGHS.]
[KNOCKING.]
Call him again! [TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY.]
I think I know why this bothers me so much.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's not about the puzzle.
Just, with all the uncertainty in our life now I just want to feel like I'm I'm in control.
I mean, so many things have to go right.
What if we forget a piece and then we mess everything up? I think the puzzle's kind of cool, Aunt Patsy.
One missing piece? That's life.
- Follow him.
- Okay.
- Hey, Dad.
You made it.
- Hey! - Well, that was a marathon shift.
- [DON.]
Yeah.
Just trying to right the wrongs in the world, which is not as easy as it sounds.
And I was stuck in the middle seat.
[SIGHS.]
Of my patrol car.
Hey.
Any word from Matt? No.
[SIGHS.]
It's been five hours, and nothing.
Sorry.
Ooh, maybe he fainted.
He does that a lot, you know.
No, he's done.
I just need to accept that.
You know what this means? I'm gonna take that job in London.
Get it, girl.
So, Kayla, when you're ready, my buddy Cal wants your digits.
Is he a dreamboat or what? Oh, my God.
Look at all that chest hair.
You totally get my type.
[CHUCKLES.]
Right? [KNOCKING.]
Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi! Nancy! - Hi.
- [NANCY.]
Hi.
I'm on my way to another party, but I thought I'd stop by and wish you a Happy almost New Year.
Happy almost New Year to you, too.
[CHUCKLES.]
Some of your biggest fans stopped by my work to, uh, sing your praises, and, uh I guess I couldn't resist.
Well, can I get you anything? A Pepsi? A Diet Pepsi? Ooh, ooh, Wild Cherry Pepsi? After all, it's New Year's Eve.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Poppy Don, is it time for Quinntentions? Quinntentions? It's a tradition that we have where we all share what we, uh, hope to accomplish in the new year.
Oh.
So it's just resolutions, but with your name on it.
[DON.]
Hmm.
- Cute.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Okay, everybody.
Quinntention time.
Come on.
Uh I'll go first.
This year, I, uh [SIGHS.]
I am going to make the most of my second chances.
Aww.
I'm going to throw myself into work and embrace my new adventure.
Kayla? Oh.
Uh [SLIGHT CHUCKLE.]
[SIGHS.]
This year, uh, I want to Uh [SHAKY EXHALE.]
sell the most commercial real estate in the Greater Philadelphia area.
[CHUCKLES.]
"Kayla Quinn, expect results.
" [CHUCKLES.]
I'll I'll go next.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay, um I know, as, uh, parents-to-be, we've got a lot of challenges coming towards us.
But I know, in my heart Wait! I want to go again! My Quinntention was a lie.
I mean, I will sell a lot of real estate because I rock, but the truth is [SIGHS.]
there's something else that I want for the new year.
And that's to be honest with you about who I am.
I'm gay.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
And I've been wanting to tell you guys for so long.
But it's been really hard, and I've just been keeping it inside.
- I'm coming in for a hug.
- Kayla, come here! I'm so proud of you.
My Aunt Jinxy's gay.
Wow Uh, Kayla.
That is a bold statement.
But you said it.
And w we heard it, and now here we are.
[EXHALES.]
Hey, 57 minutes until the ball drops.
Let's, uh Let's watch all those idiots freeze their butts off in Times Square.
Hey.
I'm so proud of you, Kay.
Aw, thanks, Em.
I'm proud of me, too.
I've been holding that secret in for so long, I didn't realize how much of a burden it was.
I know you're not gay, but I really recommend coming out.
Hey, two minutes till midnight.
- Oh! - Come on.
So, um I'm really happy for you and for everyone else, but, uh the truth is I'm just not feeling it right now, so I don't want to bring the party down.
I think I'm just gonna go.
Matt? What are you I-I called you.
I know.
I didn't get it 'cause I was flying back to see you.
You were right about me, Em.
I got to learn to follow through.
- After your dad left our apartment today - What? You flew to LA for me? Oh, sweetie, I'd go to the ends of the Earth for you.
Oh, Dad.
I love you so much.
Can we get back to I flew here too.
I found something earlier, and it took me a minute, but I realized it was important and I went back and I got it.
The puzzle piece! Give it to me! Give it! So glad you're back.
This is all so beautiful.
Emmy.
You're the missing piece that completes my life.
And I hope I'm yours.
Because, as someone said we're a perfect fit.
Oh, my God.
Emmy Quinn, will you marry me? - Yeah.
- Yeah! [CHUCKLES.]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING.]
I don't want to steal your moment, but I totally came out earlier tonight.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yay, me! [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Hey.
I'm proud of you for following through.
- You too.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Matt! I totally forgot.
Okay.
When you didn't call me back, I took a job.
In London.
- Huh? - What? I already knew.
Well, then we're going to London.
'Cause wherever you're going, I'm going too.
[CHUCKLES.]
Guv'nor! - I'll work on the accent.
- Okay.
Here we go! Here we go! - Oh! Oh! - [CROWD ON TV.]
Five, four Three, two, one Happy New Year! [LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey, I thought you had another party to go to.
I just said that in case I needed an out.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- Happy New Year.
["AULD LANG SYNE" PLAYS ON TV.]
[SIGHS.]
Everything's gonna be okay.
- Oh, yeah.
- [PATSY.]
Hmm.
- We got this.
- Yeah.
- Oh! - [GASPS.]
[PATSY.]
Oh, no! Way to start the year off, Todd.
Hey, hey! Come on, let's go.
We should have left for the airport four and a half minutes ago.
Hey, hey.
Can I talk to you for a second? Hey.
It has come to my attention that perhaps I shouldn't try to control my kids so much.
Or at all.
I don't know.
Uh So, my new Quinntention for the year is just to accept you guys for who you are.
Because I would never, ever want to push you away.
[DON SNIFFLES.]
This This will always be your home.
So I got you this.
[SNIFFLES.]
This is the best gift I've ever gotten.
[DON EXHALES.]
[DON SNIFFLES.]
Anybody want a ride to the airport? - Yeah.
- Heck yeah! [SEAN JR.
.]
I call shotgun.
Car seat, car seat.
[MUSIC PLAYING FROM CAR RADIO.]
Bye, mom-to-be.
Bye, wife-to-be.
Hey, hey, I want in! [CHUCKLING.]
Hey, uh Thanks.
I couldn't have survived this trip without you.
[TODD.]
Ah.
Hey, man.
It's what we do.
Pull it together, Todd.
Okay.
Outlaws on three? [ALL WHISPERING.]
One, two, three.
Outlaws! [MATT CLEARS THROAT.]
Goodbye, Mr.
Quinn.
Don.
Dad.
Nope.
Bye, Dad.
Thanks for putting us up.
Thanks for putting up with me.
See you, Dad.
Bye, guys.
I can't believe your family even does airport runs together.
I can't believe you're still surprised by any of it.
[DON.]
Oh, hey! We'll keep June through December open until you decide when you're coming home to tie the knot.
We'll be waiting.
- [KAYLA.]
Bye! - [PATSY.]
Call me from the gate.
And when you land.
And when you get home! [KAYLA.]
Bye! Love you! [MATT.]
Keep walking.
Off to the plane we go.