Miami Vice s04e02 Episode Script
Amen... Send Money
This message is beamed down to 320 cable channels from a satellite right up there, right close to God, with the I.
G.
G.
"In God's Glory" message, which is: "Feel good! Send money!" Why should you send money to me? Because when I preach and make you feel good, I do it for the money.
'Cause when you send me money, I go out and I buy things with it.
I buy material things.
Now, let's talk about that.
Let's talk about material things.
Let's talk about matter! Matter is made up of particles, little tiny particles, which are held together by an attraction no physicist in the world understands.
No organic physicist, no theoretical physicist, no physicist of any kind understands what it is, but they know that it's there.
They know that all the subatomic particles in the universe are held together by this attraction, by this kind of glue, this superglue.
People, God is the glue! God is that glue that holds matter together, and matter is material, and materialism is the accumulation of matter, and I love matter! I love materialism! And I love this Italian silk $750 piece of matter we call a jacket.
No No, Satan! Satan, I know what you want, but you ain't gonna get it.
No, you ain't gonna make the Reverend Bill Bob Proverb into some kind of phony hypocrite, because people know Reverend Bill Bob Proverb ain't gonna stand here, and he ain't gonna he ain't gonna be wearin' sackcloth and ashes, and pretend to be raisin' money to feed the starvin' orphans in Rwanda, because the Reverend Bill Bob Proverb is tellin'you right here, right now, and right up front that I'm takin' all that money for myself.
Hey! Darlin'! Checkin' it out.
- Hey, mama, turn out your lights.
- Can you help me? How do I know what you want? What you got? What I got is money, so don't jerk me around, good-lookin'.
Are you sellin', or not? I got shoes color TV, refrigerator [Indistinct.]
Unless you're lookin' for some off-menu items.
What I'm lookin' for are Yellow Ghosts, Blackbirds, Rainbows, and as much Vitamin "Q" as you can stand to part with.
[Chuckles.]
Mama, for $2,500, I can put you on the fast track.
It makes me feel dapper, it makes me feel in control of my environment.
This manicure cost me $50, people.
And that's just for the left hand.
This manicure over here on my right hand cost $50 too.
I get manicured every day, people.
Both hands! And that's what feelin' good is all about! [Congregation.]
Amen! Amen! Feelin' good is all about havin' a winning attitude! Yes, sir, it makes you a champion! A champion in your job, a champion in your work, whatever! It helps you accrue into your life Memphis desks, designer refrigerators, stereo TVs, microwave ovens, Cadillac motorcars Praise God, praise God, praise God! Talkin' about speedway, mama.
With what I got in here, you can win a stock car race in your sneakers.
So what'll it take to put me in the winner's circle? plus some popperoos? We can even it out at an even 35.
Deal.
Now, people, with every donation of $50 or more, I will send you my free pamphlet which will teach you how to develop the right attitudes to have success and to feel closer to God.
The pamphlet is called Developing the Right Attitudes to Have Success and Being Closer to God through Materialism.
And now, people, since I gotta go home and take care of my sweet Leona in our $1.
75 million Arquitectonica house, I wanna play one of her tapes Leona singin' Wrapped Up, from one of last year's messages.
This is the Reverend Bill Bob Proverb, sayin' good night from the I.
G.
G.
Tune in tomorrow.
[Singing, Indistinct.]
[Chattering, Laughing.]
Oh, my God, my God.
[Chuckling.]
That stuff'll get you so high you'll need a parachute to come down.
Hey, look, sweet thing, I got a bonus, 'cause you're one of my special customers.
You busted.
Good-bye street, hello jail.
I've been to jail.
Jail sucks.
[Tires Screeching.]
- Freeze! - [Fires Pistol.]
[Leona Singing On TV.]
Okay, Red.
Come on, get outta there.
[Continues.]
Come on.
Nice work.
You mean to drive home? Come over here.
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
You know who's gonna look bad? You guys.
O.
C.
B.
The whole department's gonna look bad for martyring this saintly woman.
[Crockett.]
The, uh, saintly lady over there tried to repave Sherman Avenue with me and my partner here.
- What the hell is that, urban renewal? - [Sobbing.]
'Cause I got the devil in me! I'm a sinner! I know it.
Soon, I'll have to reckon with the chilling hands of death.
- [Gasping.]
- Now, this'll be over real soon, Leona.
The bust was good.
In recognition of the humanitarian services rendered by this spiritual angel of the airwaves, how do we make this all go away? As in? As in, drop the charges, Counselor.
[Chuckles.]
Why persecute her? The word is "prosecute," not persecute.
Prosecute.
She's got no priors.
She doesn't live in the gutter.
She was goin' for sale weight.
And that, sir, is a felony.
Oh, no! I'm going to hell! Will you step in my office, Wolcott? Oh, no.
Knock it back to a misdemeanor, I'll get her to plead.
No misdemeanor.
She's walked on three other busts.
This time, the felony sticks.
If she pleads, we'll recommend probation plus community service.
- You have corroboration? - Videotape surveillance.
[Sobbing.]
I'm gonna burn in the fires of hell, because the devil was with me in that car! You were there did you see him? The devil was in my hand, and the devil got into my whole body, and what can you do when the devil's in your body? What could I do? The devil was in this body! [Crockett.]
Amen.
Actual money and goods changing hands? - Actual transaction? - No, video only.
Audio glitch.
But the intent, plus the testimony of the arresting officer, Tubbs, whose character is unimpeachable, is good enough for me.
Excuse me.
[Whispering.]
This is gonna be a public relation nightmare.
It's gonna hang on your testimony.
Well, the way I see it, Leona should be treated just like any otherJane Doe.
Absolutely.
Nobody's prosecuting her because she's a public personality.
Nobody walks on felony possession because they've got their own TV show.
We're filing.
The Reverend Proverb is not afraid to lash out against injustice when his own ministry and church and wife are accused.
My bail's made.
Let's blow.
They've been swimmin' in the sewers of life for so long, their souls are rotted.
They sound like anybody familiar? You got it.
The Metro-Dade Organized Crime Bureau, Vice Division.
Vice! You know what vice is, people? Vice is doing it, or pretending you don't wanna do it, when you really do.
These hypocrites are persecutin' me and Leona because of our forthrightness, because of our honesty.
They have taken my fair wife, your own sweet Leona, and they have thrown her into the company of painted women and opium smokers and worse! I'm sorry, people.
Now, look, Leona and I are gonna need to hire the best and the brightest that can be bought to fight these snakes in their own judicial system.
Because good lawyers don't come cheap, people, even when they're helpin' servants of the Lord! So now, I am askin' you to dig deep.
I'm askin' you to reach deep into your pockets.
Deeper than you've ever reached before, and give the Angel of the Airwaves Defense Fund the money it needs for Leona's defense.
I want you to call and send what you can.
Please, people.
Help us.
I want you to cut that into tonight's message.
Leona, all the money I've dumped into clinics nationwide for you to get a handle on your drug dependency Damn it, woman! I thought it was all fixed when we had your blood changed in Switzerland.
When I get that urge, I can't control it.
This is the last time, woman.
You hear me? The last time.
[Sighs.]
A 17.
63 upward turn in our satellite service subscribers, Reverend.
It's good news.
Hi, Reverend.
Hi, how are you tonight? Yeah, it's Bill Bob, I got the new Plumbicons.
The cameras are all dialed in if you wanna see the difference in resolution.
They'll read down to two foot-candles, and we won't need all those lights.
Good.
That's real good.
[Phone Ringing.]
Hello? [Woman.]
Patch through from Metro-Dade.
- Are you Detective Tubbs? - Yes, I am.
Who is this? I know that you're the man who arrested Mrs.
Proverb.
And it goes against my heart to do this, but I have to reveal to you the truth.
[Gasping.]
See, I'm impelled by a spiritual force deep inside of me, and it's bigger, deeper than even what I can control.
What are you smoking, snorting or drinking? Whatever it is, I don't want any of it.
This conversation's over.
No, please wait.
They are gonna try to tell you that she's innocent.
But she's not.
I know, 'cause I'm in the church, and it's all part of a big lie.
The big stuff that they're into now I can tell you, but I'm afraid.
Detective, you're gonna have to come here right now.
Where are you? Are you the young lady I talked to on the phone? Yes.
Well, you got somethin' to say, let's hear it.
I'm late for a date.
See, it's very difficult for me to talk about this.
There's a bunch of us girls who work down here as ushers for the Reverend Bill Bob and, well, all of us are runaways from the street, you see.
The Reverend Bill Bob and Mrs.
Proverb, they took us in helped us all real good.
Yeah, so? My name's Faye Nell.
Uh-huh.
See, I must tell you the truth, because I cannot lie.
But in order for me to do that, I have to betray my great indebtedness towards very good people, and why, that just about breaks my heart.
[Screaming.]
Help! Help! Oh, God, rape! Hey! Rape! Oh, help me! Hey! Hey! Oh, help me! Help me! Freeze! Don't move! Oh, the great Internal Affairs Investigator Stroh.
Was it exceptionally slow over there today, or what? Very funny.
We got her blood on his shirt, a diversionary prowler report to the watchman, and as far as I can ascertain, no reasonable motivation to set Tubbs up.
No.
How about the, uh, Leona Proverb case, huh? You ever hear of that? Angel of the Airwaves? No, I guess that wouldn't have anything to do with it.
I wanna see my partner, thank you.
I got five minutes in the john, Crockett.
That's all the time you get.
Sanchez, give 'em the room.
So what happened, you lose your phone book? [Sighs.]
They sure jumped on this wagon fast.
Oh, hell, Rico, they got nothin'.
They're fishin'.
Yeah, they got a bruised teenager pointin' a finger at a black off-duty cop.
Says I wanted to know her in the Biblical way.
No backup, no alibi.
This is a weird frame, man.
The switchboard can confirm that she placed the call.
What the hell do they think, one look and your libido suddenly went critical? [Sighs.]
If this wasn't you, I'd think it was funny.
It is me, and it's not funny.
You know, guys with suitcases full of money and drugs, I can understand, but bein' set up by a preacher? Uh-uh.
I'll tell you what else Stroh doesn't buy the theory that Bill Bob set this up to take the heat off his wife, either.
Sorry, guys, recess is cut short.
These were just delivered.
We lifted these off the studio security camera videotapes.
Hard to tell who's doin'what to who.
[Slams Fist On Table.]
[Crockett.]
Those guys over at I.
A.
D.
Must be bored out of their minds.
This is the flimsiest excuse for an internal investigation I've ever heard of.
Don't push Stroh.
He doesn't like you.
If you wanna help Tubbs, look under rocks.
[Faye.]
Never heard anything like that in my life.
You heard it on your Walkman radio? Mm-hmm.
Right over my little earphones.
I sure did.
Just yes or no, please.
The name Proverb came up on a federal warrant a while ago.
Get his tax history, daily activities, contacts, habits, everything.
[Handset Settles In Cradle.]
Has he ever talked to you before? [Sighs.]
Not directly, no.
[Technician.]
Is that a yes or no? [Faye.]
Oh, well, I guess I guess that would be a yes.
You see, what he did is, he told me to privately meet with Detective Tubbs and explain to him his mistake in accusing the good Mrs.
Proverb of this absolutely terrible crime.
Okay, Faye Nell.
Thank you very much.
That's it? Hi, Sonny.
Hey, Lieu.
What the hell was all that about? That's about the strangest one yet.
Don't be cute, Lieu.
She say somebody put her up to it? Hey, Sonny, I.
A.
D.
Got a lock on it.
Oh, come on now, Lieu.
Listen.
Somebody's tryin' to put Tubbs' whole career in a Cuisinart.
You gotta help me get him out.
I'll give you my Dolphins seats for the next two games.
Hmm? Come on.
Okay.
She was a nut.
She's a fanatic.
She believes she was raped.
You're kidding.
Three games.
Three games? Why, you chiselin' little All right, fine.
Proverb put her up to it? Oh, you're not thinkin' big enough.
Bigger? Uh-huh.
God.
Over her earphones.
God.
Through her earphones.
I'm serious.
She thinks this is real.
She skated through the polygraph.
You try to break her down, you'll dig Tubbs in deeper.
Bill Bob Proverb.
You know, it happens.
It had to be Bill Bob.
I had a guy once in purple robes.
He was picking pockets at the airport.
So steady that you'd think he was asleep.
[Chuckles.]
Passed with flying colors.
Okay.
Except we had pictures on him working.
We just gotta nail Bill Bob Proverb.
God told him that he could lie, and he sure could.
Get him to tell us how.
Somebody made that girl believe the same thing.
That's what it was.
[Man.]
I'm sorry, no, l- I reallyjust can't do that.
I cannot implicate Bill Bob Proverb in anything illegal.
We do compete.
I mean, I compete with him, but only in the earthly sense.
Mm-hmm.
So, in the earthly sense, his stats make him an all-star, while you're still rakin' the field, so to speak.
The truth is, and don't quote me on this, I think he's a hedonist and an overblown grandstander.
As people, we couldn't be more different.
Help me understand this.
Uh, you were his partner Gimme the short course here.
What's his angle? His angle? Pleasure.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, when we were young and full of grace, lucky if 10 people would listen and wanted to come forward.
He was happy.
Now he is so obsessed with his own celebrity.
I just don't really know what he's like anymore.
He's got his own private reserve of wayward girls.
"Angels," he calls 'em.
And does he have love for these girls in the earthly sense, too? Well, you see, in an environment lauding worldly success and satisfaction now That's one of his books, by the way I'm not surprised what happened to this girl, Faye Nell.
ButJesus tells us to hate sin and love the sinner.
I'm sure Bill Bob's heart is still pure.
[Chuckles.]
Pure what? [Woman.]
I'm tellin'you, Sonny, he grabbed the address out of the file on Switek's desk.
[Crockett.]
Damn it, he's not supposed to go anywhere near them.
Not hardly.
What I really wanna know is, what kind of religion says it's okay to set up a phony rape charge? Not my religion, friend.
No, Faye Nell Portis is blessed to me, but she's hardly a card I would play in a bad hand.
Whatever you believe, I didn't have anything to do with what happened to you.
I suggest you get yourself some therapy.
It's probably work-related stress.
Look, I don't need a shrink.
What I'd like are some straight answers, right here and right now.
Well, that makes two of us.
Maybe I should have my lawyers call and find out why a suspended police officer is harassing me in my home.
- I'm not harassing you.
- I hope you won't do that, Reverend.
This is my partner.
He knows he made a big mistake by coming here.
It won't happen again.
I'll see to it.
Well, forgiveness is not mine to give in this situation, but, uh, perhaps patience is.
Fair enough.
[Groans.]
Gentlemen, I should tell you that I am prepared for this to become a battle.
Almost everything does.
It seems to be part of the price I have to pay.
What kind of price is that? My soul.
My soul, in exchange for millions of souls.
[Chuckles.]
You see, you think you understand me, but you don't really know me at all.
Nobody wants to be saved by some obscure, threadbare, raggedy-butt preacher anymore.
So I'm forced to martyr myself on a cross of luxury.
Forgive me.
[Exhales.]
How'd you know I was here? What do you think? Yellow pages.
[Grunts, Sighs.]
Man, oh, man.
Look at him work.
Just gather over here.
I'll be with you in a minute.
[Proverb.]
Anywhere here'll be fine.
Thank you.
What're you doin'? You my guardian angel or somethin'? Well, I guess, if I have to be.
I got back to O.
C.
B.
And I get, uh, Stroh pokin' around there.
He wants you, Rico.
He's not gonna need that rape charge if he catches you off the leash.
My wife has a few words to say, after which I would like to make a statement.
Um, last night, as you know, an innocent teenage girl, a daughter of our congregation, was raped by the officer who arrested me.
Now, I feel compelled to tell the whole story.
Two nights ago, when I stopped to ask for directions, that same officer, Ricardo Tubbs, also tried to force me into lewd acts.
I'm on this.
Come on.
Come on, Rico.
Let's go.
That witch! I know that our our loyal friends and family will not let us down in this hour of need.
I'd like to remind everyone, that phone number is Love.
Thank you all very much.
Thank you.
Your ratings are up.
[Shutter Clicks.]
[Imitating TVAnnouncer.]
Hello, ladies, and welcome to Lifestyles of the Rich and Holy.
That's right, Bill Bob Proverb is on his way.
You can't miss him.
He's dressed like a sofa.
- [Static Crackles.]
- Yeah, Switey, you must shop at the same store, huh? He's out of the limo at 9th and Ocean.
[Static Crackles.]
[Crockett.]
Switek was on this guy all the time, huh? The man was being more careful than a mule from Bogota.
In and out of buildings, changed his clothes According to the fax from Washington, it's consistent.
Apparently this clown is some bona fide do-gooder.
One-third of his annual proceeds go to the homeless, skid row hospices, two clinics in New Orleans, et cetera, et cetera.
I asked in the kitchen after he left.
He's been making these weekly treks for the past three years.
And, uh, he insists on anonymity.
So maybe he's tired of stardom, wants to get back in touch with his roots.
- What are his roots? - After Miami in the '60s, he ran a tent revival out the back of a Land Rover in Ethiopia.
He was there during the worst of the drought, makin' it a little easier for those that were dying.
He got permanent lung scarring from the dust.
[Clicks Tongue.]
Man, I'm not believin' this.
Believe it.
[Tubbs.]
This doesn't break down at all.
If Reverend Bill Bob Proverb is a saint, then who set me up, and why? [Crockett.]
Someone who wants us to take down notjust the wife, but Bill Bob, too.
Yeah? And who's that? We're gonna find out.
Guy that we thought was the devil is some sort of a saint.
Even if Leona was in trouble, I just don't believe that Bill Bob was the one who framed me, man.
He didn't set me up.
Well, then, who did? I don't know.
Well, neither do I.
So let's find out.
Okay! What the hell are you yellin' about? I'm angry, man.
I'm angry! All right, so who stands to gain if you take a fall? What the hell's the matter with this thing? Look, they jacked the price up two bits.
You're kiddin' me! Seventy-five cents for a soda! It was a dime when I was a kid.
Maybe Maybe it's not about me takin' a fall.
Maybe Lemme have a quarter.
Oh, yeah? What's it about, then? I don't know.
What was our first reflexive response off the assumption that Bill Bob was responsible for framing me? All right, so the cop gets framed.
We go to Bill Bob, we tear apart his ministry.
Who wants that to happen? Someone who doesn't like Bill Bob.
Someone who wants to see him take a fall.
Gimme another quarter.
Not just his wife, but Bill Bob himself.
Someone who doesn't like Bill Bob very much.
[Coin Rattling.]
[Sighs.]
All right, so we'll see who's at the top of the chart on that hit parade, and five will get you an 800 number that that's the dude that we're lookin' for.
[Man.]
I call it a starter kit.
A little bit of everything.
Basic line you grow from.
First you need your John 3: 16 heaven tracts, two-color.
By the ream that's $5.
99.
Now I'm gonna show you something.
This is called glow-in-the-dark crosses and mezuzahs.
You're thinking, " Why do I need a glow-in-the-dark cross?" Right? Nighttime, pal.
God can't see in the dark, right? You got an electrical storm brewing.
You're frightened and scared.
The lights come down.
You wanna pray for the lights to come back on, you can't find it.
There it is.
Glow-in-the-dark gives you round-the-clock, I'll give you $19.
95 for the whole Okay, you're twistin' my arm.
I'll tell you what I do.
I'm gonna give you 150 stain-resistant, laminated holy cardsWe throw it in, we call it even.
Whaddya say? You Eddie Felcher? Fast Eddie, friends.
Fast to get you up and earning in the only industry to outpace Standard & Poor's average seven years in a row.
Salvation! [Laughs.]
What exactly is your, uh, ecclesiastical bent? U.
S.
Post Office, Investigation Division.
Mail fraud.
Look, if that's about those damned bottles again, I already told you everything.
What "damned bottles"? Guy raised 11 million to put these little Bibles in little bottles and float 'em down the Gulf Stream to save the communists in Cuba.
Twenty-nine bottles, they all wind up on Daytona Beach.
Just because I sold him the little bottles does not does not make me an accomplice.
I checked with my lawyer.
We're not here for the Bibles, and we're not here for the crosses that glow in the dark.
No, Eddie, you see, we're here for the 1984 land fraud.
You know, the mail order? You remember that? You know, when you were sellin' the people the motor home lots? [Chuckles.]
The only problem was, they were in the Gulf Stream.
Yeah, that'sYeah.
Yeah, and you did 18 months in the country club.
You remember that, don't ya? Uh-huh? Yeah.
Now, does your present clientele know that you were the bad guy in that? All right, okay, look, maybe we can, uh Maybe we can get some simple answers to some simple questions.
Like, uh, if Reverend Bill Bob Proverb got in deep trouble, who smiles the brightest? [Chuckles.]
That's easy.
Mason Mather.
Mather? Wait a minute.
I talked to him.
He admits to bein' second fiddle.
He's got no problem with that.
You tellin' me there's more to it? The big "gig.
" Gigahertz, microwaves.
Come on.
Get hip to the new-time religion, guys.
When Bill Bob Proverb decided to go on the bird the satellite Mason Mather took a pass.
Now, without a slice, his ticket to Washington politics is null and void.
I thought everybody used it.
[Laughs.]
Not at first.
Mason Mather didn't want his holy words and images traveling through the same microchips as the bunny channel.
[Chuckling.]
So why doesn't he get it now? No room at the inn.
He's got a local show, but you can't book a satellite frequency to save your soul.
He's stuck mailin' tapes up and down the Bible Belt.
Bicycling them, like 10 years ago.
Only way Mason Mather can get on the bird is to knock Billy Bob Proverb off of it.
Back to work, Eddie.
I hate you postal guys.
Come on, Deacon, where is he? I told you, it's not possible to see Brother Mather.
He's ecstatic.
Listen, Jake, I don't care if he's so happy he's howlin' at the moon! He's in a state of heightened spirituality.
- I'll heighten your spirituality.
- This is police business.
Unless you've got a court order or an arrest warrant You give him a message.
You tell him, call me at this number, or I'll get that warrant.
Fine.
Oh, speaking of messages I think Brother Mather'll have one for you.
It'll be a major revelation on tonight's show.
Be there.
[Singing.]
Faye Nell Portis beat the machine, therefore she believes what she's sayin'.
Or maybe Mason Mather got to her.
As we wander through this wonderland with the loony tunes, I.
A.
D.
Is pressin', and my career is goin' down the drain so fast there isn't even a swirl.
Alex, change the channel to 60 for a minute.
- [Stops.]
- [Patrons Complaining.]
Now, beneath this Relax.
We'll get back to you head-bangers in a second.
Now, beneath the surface, there's gotta be some reason in this.
There'sThere's cause and effect, there's there's motive and behavior.
Now, these guys, in their world, they cannot be all that irrational.
[Mather.]
I will scourge the earth ofhis evil ministry.
I hereby make the following prediction.
The miracle is this: The sky will part, and fire and lightning will come from heaven.
Fire and lightning will destroy his evil ministry! The Lord will send fire and lightning down on Reverend Bill Bob Proverb in exactly two hours and 10 minutes! [Sniffs.]
Come on, Reverend, you've gotta leave.
I ain't gonna let him destroy you Get your hands off me! Mason Mather ain't keepin' me off my own show.
We're goin' live tonight, you understand? No tape.
We're goin' live.
I want a camera on right now.
Is this thing workin'? Gimme some sound over here! [Handset Beeping.]
Let's roll.
[Coughing.]
Are you on the air? We're on the air.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us tonight.
This is the Reverend Bill Bob Proverb, and I'm comin' to you live tonight because a certain minister of God perhaps I should say a so-called minister of God has made some wicked and unbelievable predictions about the events of tonight's show.
I wanted to be standin' here in person to show Lemme ask you a question, people.
Does it look as if the sky is gonna part? [Laughs.]
Does it look as if fire is gonna rain down on me tonight? That's ridiculous, people.
Absolutely ridiculous! [Whimpers.]
Billy Bob! [Thunderclap.]
[Woman On P.
A.
.]
Dr.
McCullen, Surgery please.
Dr.
McCullen.
- Very good, guys! Excellent response.
- Yeah, very nice, very nice.
Listen, the deacon wants to see you down in the lounge.
Grab a cup of coffee.
We got it.
- That's not quite true, gentlemen.
- [Chuckles.]
Uh, okay, Deacon, we want to speak to Mather.
He's being attended by Dr.
Kermit Ollinger from Atlanta.
Well, what he needs is a lawyer.
And we'll be happy to wait, if that's what he wants, but we're gonna ask him right now.
- I'm sorry, you can't do that.
- The man is suspect in everything from criminal conspiracy to the use of lightning as a lethal weapon.
But when I say you can't ask him, I'm not being arbitrary.
You see, the, uh, Reverend Mather is in a coma.
[Heart Monitor Beeping.]
He's been unconscious ever since his broadcast last night.
[Beeping Continues.]
Leona, honey, what are you doing? You're gonna get yourself all filthy.
Come on, get outta there.
[Whining.]
It's the things, Billy Bob.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Who's supposed to be watching Leona? Now I'm gonna have to get all new things.
[Sighs.]
You know, l-l-I already have some lovely ideas.
Well, that's real good, honey.
Let me talk to Herb at the bank first, all right? Make sure she don't have any credit cards.
[Man.]
Okay.
Hello, gentlemen.
[Tubbs.]
Hello.
- Got any estimates? - How about the whole shootin' match? How about $15 million? I hope Mather burns.
[Sighs Deeply.]
Well, he's a sick one.
The success of my ministry's been eatin' him up inside for years.
You see, I figured he put that girl up to that rape business.
Hell, I can deal with that game any day of the week.
But my whole studio! [Yells.]
By the time I get finished with Mr.
Mason "Almighty" Mather, the man will not be able to afford a cardboard cross to hang himself on! What did he have to say, anyway? Not much.
- He's in a coma.
- A coma? Oh, perfect! Yes, one of One of Mather's famous comas.
They come on him once about every six months.
Got any theories on how this happened? - Secular or divine theories? - Secular.
Like your insurance, we don't cover acts of God.
Well, my faithful flock thinks that I have been judged from above.
I'd say it was an overload, deliberately jumped in behind the surge suppressors and circuit breakers.
[Sighs.]
What about my lady, Detective Crockett? After all this, you still gonna bring her up on drug charges? 'Fraid so, Reverend.
D.
A.
Gonna follow through.
Well, I certainly don't feel like God's favorite these days.
It's allJapanese.
The best that money can buy.
And I got it before the trade war started.
You know what it's gonna cost me to replace this gear? I, uh, found this in the microwave transmitter shack.
Damned near burnt to the ground.
Liverwurst on white.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
This is a power transmission schematic.
Did you say liverwurst? My chief engineer on the night shift, Carl Becker He eats a liverwurst and onion sandwich every night of the week.
Get within 10 feet of the man, your eyes start waterin'.
So it was Becker.
- He's not takin' this well.
- Betrayed by his own food.
These two may be world-class hustlers, but as criminals, bozo time.
[Chattering.]
[Man #1.]
That was a good time last night.
[Man #2.]
You have a good time last night? [Woman.]
Yeah.
[Man #2.]
I have vacations.
[Man #1.]
Take a vacation.
Stick around here and look at the girls? Yeah, that's a good idea.
Excuse me, gentlemen, uh, which one of you is Becker? Who wants to know? I'm Detective Crockett Something I said? I got him! [Crockett.]
Where you goin', Becker? We know you wired the station.
We got your dinner and the schematics.
That doesn't prove a thing! Let's throw this guy So I forgot to eat big deal! You bet it's a big deal when you're on double payrolls, huh? It was just a stunt.
I lowered the amperage so no one would get hurt.
Were you the one that talked the girl into yellin' rape? I just rewired the Walkman.
Mather did all the talkin'.
He told her to stage it.
He said the Lord would protect her.
Yeah, what do you think? You think we'd eat each other alive, and he'd come out the winner, huh? I don't know.
Please! So why blow the station? Huh? What happened? Mather flip out because Proverb turned all his trouble into contributions? [Panting.]
I don't know, man.
I just took his 20 grand.
Why don't you just ask him? That's a good idea.
Come on.
He came out of it about 20 minutes ago.
He grabbed a syringe full of procaine, and the doctor says if he puts the whole volume in himself, it's gonna stop his heart! Oh, good.
Good.
He's flipped.
He's done.
How can you tell that? - Hey, Reverend Mather! - Back! Back, devils! I have been called to him.
I have been called to His bosom.
Oh, Lord, I have been called to him.
Look, come on down and we'll talk about it! I am through with this vale of tears.
Uh, Reverend I am no longer of this Earth, I am above these mere mortals.
Uh, Reverend, what do you say my partner comes on up there and talks to ya for for just five minutes.
Huh? Whaddya say? Take me from this evilness.
Take me from this wicked Earth.
No, huh? What do you think I oughta do, go down and call the fire department, tell 'em we got a jumper? No, we don't have time.
They broadcast paramedics and medevac as far as Fort Lauderdale from there.
That tower's got Somebody just keys a mic inside - How do you know all that? - Night school.
There is life after Vice.
- Rev! - Hey, Reverend, look, uh, why don't you just come down and we'll talk about it? Now-Now-Now, Reverend, look, l- I know you got problems, sure, but but I don't think we're lookin' at any jail time here.
I have been called to him.
It's not my will.
I have been called to his bosom.
Oh, ye land, thy will be done! [Electricity Crackling.]
[Screaming.]
Oh, God.
Good evening, friends.
It's real good to come before you tonight.
[Chuckles.]
I haven't-haven't been on your television sets the last few nights.
I'm sure you all know the reason why.
My, uh, my electronic ministry was destroyed by what some people persist in saying was an act of divine retribution by an almighty Lord.
Well, I don't know about that.
I guess I'm just not smart enough to know such profound things.
I do know I've been laid low.
I've never been so low as you see me here tonight.
I don't have much left, but I have my health.
And I have my darlin' Leona, who has been a comfort and a joy to me, and I'd like to thank the almighty God for sendin' her to me.
[Inhales, Clears Throat.]
We, uhWe're gonna have to sell most everything we got the houses, the cars, the boats to pay our debts and legal fees, and and to be honest, folks, to pay for Leona's drug rehabilitation program.
And you know what I say, folks? I say good riddance to all that junk.
Now, if I were you, seein' me in this sorry state, I'm not sure I'd wanna get behind this ministry.
I'm not sure that this ministry deserves your support, to be honest.
That's up to you.
Let's just leave it this way: If you wanna send us a few dollars, that's fine.
And if you don't, we still love you and bless you.
Now, with the last few seconds of this-this little message, I'd like to hear Leona sing.
How about you? Darlin', go ahead.
[Electric Piano.]
[Sings.]
L-I'm sorry, darlin'.
Forgive me, folks, l-I forgot.
We-We can only afford the one microphone.
[Phone Ringing.]
Go ahead.
[Electric Piano.]
[Singing.]
[Phones Ringing.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
Thank you, Jesus, thank you.
[Continues.]
One good thing about TV.
You can always turn it off.
[Stops.]
G.
G.
"In God's Glory" message, which is: "Feel good! Send money!" Why should you send money to me? Because when I preach and make you feel good, I do it for the money.
'Cause when you send me money, I go out and I buy things with it.
I buy material things.
Now, let's talk about that.
Let's talk about material things.
Let's talk about matter! Matter is made up of particles, little tiny particles, which are held together by an attraction no physicist in the world understands.
No organic physicist, no theoretical physicist, no physicist of any kind understands what it is, but they know that it's there.
They know that all the subatomic particles in the universe are held together by this attraction, by this kind of glue, this superglue.
People, God is the glue! God is that glue that holds matter together, and matter is material, and materialism is the accumulation of matter, and I love matter! I love materialism! And I love this Italian silk $750 piece of matter we call a jacket.
No No, Satan! Satan, I know what you want, but you ain't gonna get it.
No, you ain't gonna make the Reverend Bill Bob Proverb into some kind of phony hypocrite, because people know Reverend Bill Bob Proverb ain't gonna stand here, and he ain't gonna he ain't gonna be wearin' sackcloth and ashes, and pretend to be raisin' money to feed the starvin' orphans in Rwanda, because the Reverend Bill Bob Proverb is tellin'you right here, right now, and right up front that I'm takin' all that money for myself.
Hey! Darlin'! Checkin' it out.
- Hey, mama, turn out your lights.
- Can you help me? How do I know what you want? What you got? What I got is money, so don't jerk me around, good-lookin'.
Are you sellin', or not? I got shoes color TV, refrigerator [Indistinct.]
Unless you're lookin' for some off-menu items.
What I'm lookin' for are Yellow Ghosts, Blackbirds, Rainbows, and as much Vitamin "Q" as you can stand to part with.
[Chuckles.]
Mama, for $2,500, I can put you on the fast track.
It makes me feel dapper, it makes me feel in control of my environment.
This manicure cost me $50, people.
And that's just for the left hand.
This manicure over here on my right hand cost $50 too.
I get manicured every day, people.
Both hands! And that's what feelin' good is all about! [Congregation.]
Amen! Amen! Feelin' good is all about havin' a winning attitude! Yes, sir, it makes you a champion! A champion in your job, a champion in your work, whatever! It helps you accrue into your life Memphis desks, designer refrigerators, stereo TVs, microwave ovens, Cadillac motorcars Praise God, praise God, praise God! Talkin' about speedway, mama.
With what I got in here, you can win a stock car race in your sneakers.
So what'll it take to put me in the winner's circle? plus some popperoos? We can even it out at an even 35.
Deal.
Now, people, with every donation of $50 or more, I will send you my free pamphlet which will teach you how to develop the right attitudes to have success and to feel closer to God.
The pamphlet is called Developing the Right Attitudes to Have Success and Being Closer to God through Materialism.
And now, people, since I gotta go home and take care of my sweet Leona in our $1.
75 million Arquitectonica house, I wanna play one of her tapes Leona singin' Wrapped Up, from one of last year's messages.
This is the Reverend Bill Bob Proverb, sayin' good night from the I.
G.
G.
Tune in tomorrow.
[Singing, Indistinct.]
[Chattering, Laughing.]
Oh, my God, my God.
[Chuckling.]
That stuff'll get you so high you'll need a parachute to come down.
Hey, look, sweet thing, I got a bonus, 'cause you're one of my special customers.
You busted.
Good-bye street, hello jail.
I've been to jail.
Jail sucks.
[Tires Screeching.]
- Freeze! - [Fires Pistol.]
[Leona Singing On TV.]
Okay, Red.
Come on, get outta there.
[Continues.]
Come on.
Nice work.
You mean to drive home? Come over here.
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
You know who's gonna look bad? You guys.
O.
C.
B.
The whole department's gonna look bad for martyring this saintly woman.
[Crockett.]
The, uh, saintly lady over there tried to repave Sherman Avenue with me and my partner here.
- What the hell is that, urban renewal? - [Sobbing.]
'Cause I got the devil in me! I'm a sinner! I know it.
Soon, I'll have to reckon with the chilling hands of death.
- [Gasping.]
- Now, this'll be over real soon, Leona.
The bust was good.
In recognition of the humanitarian services rendered by this spiritual angel of the airwaves, how do we make this all go away? As in? As in, drop the charges, Counselor.
[Chuckles.]
Why persecute her? The word is "prosecute," not persecute.
Prosecute.
She's got no priors.
She doesn't live in the gutter.
She was goin' for sale weight.
And that, sir, is a felony.
Oh, no! I'm going to hell! Will you step in my office, Wolcott? Oh, no.
Knock it back to a misdemeanor, I'll get her to plead.
No misdemeanor.
She's walked on three other busts.
This time, the felony sticks.
If she pleads, we'll recommend probation plus community service.
- You have corroboration? - Videotape surveillance.
[Sobbing.]
I'm gonna burn in the fires of hell, because the devil was with me in that car! You were there did you see him? The devil was in my hand, and the devil got into my whole body, and what can you do when the devil's in your body? What could I do? The devil was in this body! [Crockett.]
Amen.
Actual money and goods changing hands? - Actual transaction? - No, video only.
Audio glitch.
But the intent, plus the testimony of the arresting officer, Tubbs, whose character is unimpeachable, is good enough for me.
Excuse me.
[Whispering.]
This is gonna be a public relation nightmare.
It's gonna hang on your testimony.
Well, the way I see it, Leona should be treated just like any otherJane Doe.
Absolutely.
Nobody's prosecuting her because she's a public personality.
Nobody walks on felony possession because they've got their own TV show.
We're filing.
The Reverend Proverb is not afraid to lash out against injustice when his own ministry and church and wife are accused.
My bail's made.
Let's blow.
They've been swimmin' in the sewers of life for so long, their souls are rotted.
They sound like anybody familiar? You got it.
The Metro-Dade Organized Crime Bureau, Vice Division.
Vice! You know what vice is, people? Vice is doing it, or pretending you don't wanna do it, when you really do.
These hypocrites are persecutin' me and Leona because of our forthrightness, because of our honesty.
They have taken my fair wife, your own sweet Leona, and they have thrown her into the company of painted women and opium smokers and worse! I'm sorry, people.
Now, look, Leona and I are gonna need to hire the best and the brightest that can be bought to fight these snakes in their own judicial system.
Because good lawyers don't come cheap, people, even when they're helpin' servants of the Lord! So now, I am askin' you to dig deep.
I'm askin' you to reach deep into your pockets.
Deeper than you've ever reached before, and give the Angel of the Airwaves Defense Fund the money it needs for Leona's defense.
I want you to call and send what you can.
Please, people.
Help us.
I want you to cut that into tonight's message.
Leona, all the money I've dumped into clinics nationwide for you to get a handle on your drug dependency Damn it, woman! I thought it was all fixed when we had your blood changed in Switzerland.
When I get that urge, I can't control it.
This is the last time, woman.
You hear me? The last time.
[Sighs.]
A 17.
63 upward turn in our satellite service subscribers, Reverend.
It's good news.
Hi, Reverend.
Hi, how are you tonight? Yeah, it's Bill Bob, I got the new Plumbicons.
The cameras are all dialed in if you wanna see the difference in resolution.
They'll read down to two foot-candles, and we won't need all those lights.
Good.
That's real good.
[Phone Ringing.]
Hello? [Woman.]
Patch through from Metro-Dade.
- Are you Detective Tubbs? - Yes, I am.
Who is this? I know that you're the man who arrested Mrs.
Proverb.
And it goes against my heart to do this, but I have to reveal to you the truth.
[Gasping.]
See, I'm impelled by a spiritual force deep inside of me, and it's bigger, deeper than even what I can control.
What are you smoking, snorting or drinking? Whatever it is, I don't want any of it.
This conversation's over.
No, please wait.
They are gonna try to tell you that she's innocent.
But she's not.
I know, 'cause I'm in the church, and it's all part of a big lie.
The big stuff that they're into now I can tell you, but I'm afraid.
Detective, you're gonna have to come here right now.
Where are you? Are you the young lady I talked to on the phone? Yes.
Well, you got somethin' to say, let's hear it.
I'm late for a date.
See, it's very difficult for me to talk about this.
There's a bunch of us girls who work down here as ushers for the Reverend Bill Bob and, well, all of us are runaways from the street, you see.
The Reverend Bill Bob and Mrs.
Proverb, they took us in helped us all real good.
Yeah, so? My name's Faye Nell.
Uh-huh.
See, I must tell you the truth, because I cannot lie.
But in order for me to do that, I have to betray my great indebtedness towards very good people, and why, that just about breaks my heart.
[Screaming.]
Help! Help! Oh, God, rape! Hey! Rape! Oh, help me! Hey! Hey! Oh, help me! Help me! Freeze! Don't move! Oh, the great Internal Affairs Investigator Stroh.
Was it exceptionally slow over there today, or what? Very funny.
We got her blood on his shirt, a diversionary prowler report to the watchman, and as far as I can ascertain, no reasonable motivation to set Tubbs up.
No.
How about the, uh, Leona Proverb case, huh? You ever hear of that? Angel of the Airwaves? No, I guess that wouldn't have anything to do with it.
I wanna see my partner, thank you.
I got five minutes in the john, Crockett.
That's all the time you get.
Sanchez, give 'em the room.
So what happened, you lose your phone book? [Sighs.]
They sure jumped on this wagon fast.
Oh, hell, Rico, they got nothin'.
They're fishin'.
Yeah, they got a bruised teenager pointin' a finger at a black off-duty cop.
Says I wanted to know her in the Biblical way.
No backup, no alibi.
This is a weird frame, man.
The switchboard can confirm that she placed the call.
What the hell do they think, one look and your libido suddenly went critical? [Sighs.]
If this wasn't you, I'd think it was funny.
It is me, and it's not funny.
You know, guys with suitcases full of money and drugs, I can understand, but bein' set up by a preacher? Uh-uh.
I'll tell you what else Stroh doesn't buy the theory that Bill Bob set this up to take the heat off his wife, either.
Sorry, guys, recess is cut short.
These were just delivered.
We lifted these off the studio security camera videotapes.
Hard to tell who's doin'what to who.
[Slams Fist On Table.]
[Crockett.]
Those guys over at I.
A.
D.
Must be bored out of their minds.
This is the flimsiest excuse for an internal investigation I've ever heard of.
Don't push Stroh.
He doesn't like you.
If you wanna help Tubbs, look under rocks.
[Faye.]
Never heard anything like that in my life.
You heard it on your Walkman radio? Mm-hmm.
Right over my little earphones.
I sure did.
Just yes or no, please.
The name Proverb came up on a federal warrant a while ago.
Get his tax history, daily activities, contacts, habits, everything.
[Handset Settles In Cradle.]
Has he ever talked to you before? [Sighs.]
Not directly, no.
[Technician.]
Is that a yes or no? [Faye.]
Oh, well, I guess I guess that would be a yes.
You see, what he did is, he told me to privately meet with Detective Tubbs and explain to him his mistake in accusing the good Mrs.
Proverb of this absolutely terrible crime.
Okay, Faye Nell.
Thank you very much.
That's it? Hi, Sonny.
Hey, Lieu.
What the hell was all that about? That's about the strangest one yet.
Don't be cute, Lieu.
She say somebody put her up to it? Hey, Sonny, I.
A.
D.
Got a lock on it.
Oh, come on now, Lieu.
Listen.
Somebody's tryin' to put Tubbs' whole career in a Cuisinart.
You gotta help me get him out.
I'll give you my Dolphins seats for the next two games.
Hmm? Come on.
Okay.
She was a nut.
She's a fanatic.
She believes she was raped.
You're kidding.
Three games.
Three games? Why, you chiselin' little All right, fine.
Proverb put her up to it? Oh, you're not thinkin' big enough.
Bigger? Uh-huh.
God.
Over her earphones.
God.
Through her earphones.
I'm serious.
She thinks this is real.
She skated through the polygraph.
You try to break her down, you'll dig Tubbs in deeper.
Bill Bob Proverb.
You know, it happens.
It had to be Bill Bob.
I had a guy once in purple robes.
He was picking pockets at the airport.
So steady that you'd think he was asleep.
[Chuckles.]
Passed with flying colors.
Okay.
Except we had pictures on him working.
We just gotta nail Bill Bob Proverb.
God told him that he could lie, and he sure could.
Get him to tell us how.
Somebody made that girl believe the same thing.
That's what it was.
[Man.]
I'm sorry, no, l- I reallyjust can't do that.
I cannot implicate Bill Bob Proverb in anything illegal.
We do compete.
I mean, I compete with him, but only in the earthly sense.
Mm-hmm.
So, in the earthly sense, his stats make him an all-star, while you're still rakin' the field, so to speak.
The truth is, and don't quote me on this, I think he's a hedonist and an overblown grandstander.
As people, we couldn't be more different.
Help me understand this.
Uh, you were his partner Gimme the short course here.
What's his angle? His angle? Pleasure.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, when we were young and full of grace, lucky if 10 people would listen and wanted to come forward.
He was happy.
Now he is so obsessed with his own celebrity.
I just don't really know what he's like anymore.
He's got his own private reserve of wayward girls.
"Angels," he calls 'em.
And does he have love for these girls in the earthly sense, too? Well, you see, in an environment lauding worldly success and satisfaction now That's one of his books, by the way I'm not surprised what happened to this girl, Faye Nell.
ButJesus tells us to hate sin and love the sinner.
I'm sure Bill Bob's heart is still pure.
[Chuckles.]
Pure what? [Woman.]
I'm tellin'you, Sonny, he grabbed the address out of the file on Switek's desk.
[Crockett.]
Damn it, he's not supposed to go anywhere near them.
Not hardly.
What I really wanna know is, what kind of religion says it's okay to set up a phony rape charge? Not my religion, friend.
No, Faye Nell Portis is blessed to me, but she's hardly a card I would play in a bad hand.
Whatever you believe, I didn't have anything to do with what happened to you.
I suggest you get yourself some therapy.
It's probably work-related stress.
Look, I don't need a shrink.
What I'd like are some straight answers, right here and right now.
Well, that makes two of us.
Maybe I should have my lawyers call and find out why a suspended police officer is harassing me in my home.
- I'm not harassing you.
- I hope you won't do that, Reverend.
This is my partner.
He knows he made a big mistake by coming here.
It won't happen again.
I'll see to it.
Well, forgiveness is not mine to give in this situation, but, uh, perhaps patience is.
Fair enough.
[Groans.]
Gentlemen, I should tell you that I am prepared for this to become a battle.
Almost everything does.
It seems to be part of the price I have to pay.
What kind of price is that? My soul.
My soul, in exchange for millions of souls.
[Chuckles.]
You see, you think you understand me, but you don't really know me at all.
Nobody wants to be saved by some obscure, threadbare, raggedy-butt preacher anymore.
So I'm forced to martyr myself on a cross of luxury.
Forgive me.
[Exhales.]
How'd you know I was here? What do you think? Yellow pages.
[Grunts, Sighs.]
Man, oh, man.
Look at him work.
Just gather over here.
I'll be with you in a minute.
[Proverb.]
Anywhere here'll be fine.
Thank you.
What're you doin'? You my guardian angel or somethin'? Well, I guess, if I have to be.
I got back to O.
C.
B.
And I get, uh, Stroh pokin' around there.
He wants you, Rico.
He's not gonna need that rape charge if he catches you off the leash.
My wife has a few words to say, after which I would like to make a statement.
Um, last night, as you know, an innocent teenage girl, a daughter of our congregation, was raped by the officer who arrested me.
Now, I feel compelled to tell the whole story.
Two nights ago, when I stopped to ask for directions, that same officer, Ricardo Tubbs, also tried to force me into lewd acts.
I'm on this.
Come on.
Come on, Rico.
Let's go.
That witch! I know that our our loyal friends and family will not let us down in this hour of need.
I'd like to remind everyone, that phone number is Love.
Thank you all very much.
Thank you.
Your ratings are up.
[Shutter Clicks.]
[Imitating TVAnnouncer.]
Hello, ladies, and welcome to Lifestyles of the Rich and Holy.
That's right, Bill Bob Proverb is on his way.
You can't miss him.
He's dressed like a sofa.
- [Static Crackles.]
- Yeah, Switey, you must shop at the same store, huh? He's out of the limo at 9th and Ocean.
[Static Crackles.]
[Crockett.]
Switek was on this guy all the time, huh? The man was being more careful than a mule from Bogota.
In and out of buildings, changed his clothes According to the fax from Washington, it's consistent.
Apparently this clown is some bona fide do-gooder.
One-third of his annual proceeds go to the homeless, skid row hospices, two clinics in New Orleans, et cetera, et cetera.
I asked in the kitchen after he left.
He's been making these weekly treks for the past three years.
And, uh, he insists on anonymity.
So maybe he's tired of stardom, wants to get back in touch with his roots.
- What are his roots? - After Miami in the '60s, he ran a tent revival out the back of a Land Rover in Ethiopia.
He was there during the worst of the drought, makin' it a little easier for those that were dying.
He got permanent lung scarring from the dust.
[Clicks Tongue.]
Man, I'm not believin' this.
Believe it.
[Tubbs.]
This doesn't break down at all.
If Reverend Bill Bob Proverb is a saint, then who set me up, and why? [Crockett.]
Someone who wants us to take down notjust the wife, but Bill Bob, too.
Yeah? And who's that? We're gonna find out.
Guy that we thought was the devil is some sort of a saint.
Even if Leona was in trouble, I just don't believe that Bill Bob was the one who framed me, man.
He didn't set me up.
Well, then, who did? I don't know.
Well, neither do I.
So let's find out.
Okay! What the hell are you yellin' about? I'm angry, man.
I'm angry! All right, so who stands to gain if you take a fall? What the hell's the matter with this thing? Look, they jacked the price up two bits.
You're kiddin' me! Seventy-five cents for a soda! It was a dime when I was a kid.
Maybe Maybe it's not about me takin' a fall.
Maybe Lemme have a quarter.
Oh, yeah? What's it about, then? I don't know.
What was our first reflexive response off the assumption that Bill Bob was responsible for framing me? All right, so the cop gets framed.
We go to Bill Bob, we tear apart his ministry.
Who wants that to happen? Someone who doesn't like Bill Bob.
Someone who wants to see him take a fall.
Gimme another quarter.
Not just his wife, but Bill Bob himself.
Someone who doesn't like Bill Bob very much.
[Coin Rattling.]
[Sighs.]
All right, so we'll see who's at the top of the chart on that hit parade, and five will get you an 800 number that that's the dude that we're lookin' for.
[Man.]
I call it a starter kit.
A little bit of everything.
Basic line you grow from.
First you need your John 3: 16 heaven tracts, two-color.
By the ream that's $5.
99.
Now I'm gonna show you something.
This is called glow-in-the-dark crosses and mezuzahs.
You're thinking, " Why do I need a glow-in-the-dark cross?" Right? Nighttime, pal.
God can't see in the dark, right? You got an electrical storm brewing.
You're frightened and scared.
The lights come down.
You wanna pray for the lights to come back on, you can't find it.
There it is.
Glow-in-the-dark gives you round-the-clock, I'll give you $19.
95 for the whole Okay, you're twistin' my arm.
I'll tell you what I do.
I'm gonna give you 150 stain-resistant, laminated holy cardsWe throw it in, we call it even.
Whaddya say? You Eddie Felcher? Fast Eddie, friends.
Fast to get you up and earning in the only industry to outpace Standard & Poor's average seven years in a row.
Salvation! [Laughs.]
What exactly is your, uh, ecclesiastical bent? U.
S.
Post Office, Investigation Division.
Mail fraud.
Look, if that's about those damned bottles again, I already told you everything.
What "damned bottles"? Guy raised 11 million to put these little Bibles in little bottles and float 'em down the Gulf Stream to save the communists in Cuba.
Twenty-nine bottles, they all wind up on Daytona Beach.
Just because I sold him the little bottles does not does not make me an accomplice.
I checked with my lawyer.
We're not here for the Bibles, and we're not here for the crosses that glow in the dark.
No, Eddie, you see, we're here for the 1984 land fraud.
You know, the mail order? You remember that? You know, when you were sellin' the people the motor home lots? [Chuckles.]
The only problem was, they were in the Gulf Stream.
Yeah, that'sYeah.
Yeah, and you did 18 months in the country club.
You remember that, don't ya? Uh-huh? Yeah.
Now, does your present clientele know that you were the bad guy in that? All right, okay, look, maybe we can, uh Maybe we can get some simple answers to some simple questions.
Like, uh, if Reverend Bill Bob Proverb got in deep trouble, who smiles the brightest? [Chuckles.]
That's easy.
Mason Mather.
Mather? Wait a minute.
I talked to him.
He admits to bein' second fiddle.
He's got no problem with that.
You tellin' me there's more to it? The big "gig.
" Gigahertz, microwaves.
Come on.
Get hip to the new-time religion, guys.
When Bill Bob Proverb decided to go on the bird the satellite Mason Mather took a pass.
Now, without a slice, his ticket to Washington politics is null and void.
I thought everybody used it.
[Laughs.]
Not at first.
Mason Mather didn't want his holy words and images traveling through the same microchips as the bunny channel.
[Chuckling.]
So why doesn't he get it now? No room at the inn.
He's got a local show, but you can't book a satellite frequency to save your soul.
He's stuck mailin' tapes up and down the Bible Belt.
Bicycling them, like 10 years ago.
Only way Mason Mather can get on the bird is to knock Billy Bob Proverb off of it.
Back to work, Eddie.
I hate you postal guys.
Come on, Deacon, where is he? I told you, it's not possible to see Brother Mather.
He's ecstatic.
Listen, Jake, I don't care if he's so happy he's howlin' at the moon! He's in a state of heightened spirituality.
- I'll heighten your spirituality.
- This is police business.
Unless you've got a court order or an arrest warrant You give him a message.
You tell him, call me at this number, or I'll get that warrant.
Fine.
Oh, speaking of messages I think Brother Mather'll have one for you.
It'll be a major revelation on tonight's show.
Be there.
[Singing.]
Faye Nell Portis beat the machine, therefore she believes what she's sayin'.
Or maybe Mason Mather got to her.
As we wander through this wonderland with the loony tunes, I.
A.
D.
Is pressin', and my career is goin' down the drain so fast there isn't even a swirl.
Alex, change the channel to 60 for a minute.
- [Stops.]
- [Patrons Complaining.]
Now, beneath this Relax.
We'll get back to you head-bangers in a second.
Now, beneath the surface, there's gotta be some reason in this.
There'sThere's cause and effect, there's there's motive and behavior.
Now, these guys, in their world, they cannot be all that irrational.
[Mather.]
I will scourge the earth ofhis evil ministry.
I hereby make the following prediction.
The miracle is this: The sky will part, and fire and lightning will come from heaven.
Fire and lightning will destroy his evil ministry! The Lord will send fire and lightning down on Reverend Bill Bob Proverb in exactly two hours and 10 minutes! [Sniffs.]
Come on, Reverend, you've gotta leave.
I ain't gonna let him destroy you Get your hands off me! Mason Mather ain't keepin' me off my own show.
We're goin' live tonight, you understand? No tape.
We're goin' live.
I want a camera on right now.
Is this thing workin'? Gimme some sound over here! [Handset Beeping.]
Let's roll.
[Coughing.]
Are you on the air? We're on the air.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us tonight.
This is the Reverend Bill Bob Proverb, and I'm comin' to you live tonight because a certain minister of God perhaps I should say a so-called minister of God has made some wicked and unbelievable predictions about the events of tonight's show.
I wanted to be standin' here in person to show Lemme ask you a question, people.
Does it look as if the sky is gonna part? [Laughs.]
Does it look as if fire is gonna rain down on me tonight? That's ridiculous, people.
Absolutely ridiculous! [Whimpers.]
Billy Bob! [Thunderclap.]
[Woman On P.
A.
.]
Dr.
McCullen, Surgery please.
Dr.
McCullen.
- Very good, guys! Excellent response.
- Yeah, very nice, very nice.
Listen, the deacon wants to see you down in the lounge.
Grab a cup of coffee.
We got it.
- That's not quite true, gentlemen.
- [Chuckles.]
Uh, okay, Deacon, we want to speak to Mather.
He's being attended by Dr.
Kermit Ollinger from Atlanta.
Well, what he needs is a lawyer.
And we'll be happy to wait, if that's what he wants, but we're gonna ask him right now.
- I'm sorry, you can't do that.
- The man is suspect in everything from criminal conspiracy to the use of lightning as a lethal weapon.
But when I say you can't ask him, I'm not being arbitrary.
You see, the, uh, Reverend Mather is in a coma.
[Heart Monitor Beeping.]
He's been unconscious ever since his broadcast last night.
[Beeping Continues.]
Leona, honey, what are you doing? You're gonna get yourself all filthy.
Come on, get outta there.
[Whining.]
It's the things, Billy Bob.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Who's supposed to be watching Leona? Now I'm gonna have to get all new things.
[Sighs.]
You know, l-l-I already have some lovely ideas.
Well, that's real good, honey.
Let me talk to Herb at the bank first, all right? Make sure she don't have any credit cards.
[Man.]
Okay.
Hello, gentlemen.
[Tubbs.]
Hello.
- Got any estimates? - How about the whole shootin' match? How about $15 million? I hope Mather burns.
[Sighs Deeply.]
Well, he's a sick one.
The success of my ministry's been eatin' him up inside for years.
You see, I figured he put that girl up to that rape business.
Hell, I can deal with that game any day of the week.
But my whole studio! [Yells.]
By the time I get finished with Mr.
Mason "Almighty" Mather, the man will not be able to afford a cardboard cross to hang himself on! What did he have to say, anyway? Not much.
- He's in a coma.
- A coma? Oh, perfect! Yes, one of One of Mather's famous comas.
They come on him once about every six months.
Got any theories on how this happened? - Secular or divine theories? - Secular.
Like your insurance, we don't cover acts of God.
Well, my faithful flock thinks that I have been judged from above.
I'd say it was an overload, deliberately jumped in behind the surge suppressors and circuit breakers.
[Sighs.]
What about my lady, Detective Crockett? After all this, you still gonna bring her up on drug charges? 'Fraid so, Reverend.
D.
A.
Gonna follow through.
Well, I certainly don't feel like God's favorite these days.
It's allJapanese.
The best that money can buy.
And I got it before the trade war started.
You know what it's gonna cost me to replace this gear? I, uh, found this in the microwave transmitter shack.
Damned near burnt to the ground.
Liverwurst on white.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
This is a power transmission schematic.
Did you say liverwurst? My chief engineer on the night shift, Carl Becker He eats a liverwurst and onion sandwich every night of the week.
Get within 10 feet of the man, your eyes start waterin'.
So it was Becker.
- He's not takin' this well.
- Betrayed by his own food.
These two may be world-class hustlers, but as criminals, bozo time.
[Chattering.]
[Man #1.]
That was a good time last night.
[Man #2.]
You have a good time last night? [Woman.]
Yeah.
[Man #2.]
I have vacations.
[Man #1.]
Take a vacation.
Stick around here and look at the girls? Yeah, that's a good idea.
Excuse me, gentlemen, uh, which one of you is Becker? Who wants to know? I'm Detective Crockett Something I said? I got him! [Crockett.]
Where you goin', Becker? We know you wired the station.
We got your dinner and the schematics.
That doesn't prove a thing! Let's throw this guy So I forgot to eat big deal! You bet it's a big deal when you're on double payrolls, huh? It was just a stunt.
I lowered the amperage so no one would get hurt.
Were you the one that talked the girl into yellin' rape? I just rewired the Walkman.
Mather did all the talkin'.
He told her to stage it.
He said the Lord would protect her.
Yeah, what do you think? You think we'd eat each other alive, and he'd come out the winner, huh? I don't know.
Please! So why blow the station? Huh? What happened? Mather flip out because Proverb turned all his trouble into contributions? [Panting.]
I don't know, man.
I just took his 20 grand.
Why don't you just ask him? That's a good idea.
Come on.
He came out of it about 20 minutes ago.
He grabbed a syringe full of procaine, and the doctor says if he puts the whole volume in himself, it's gonna stop his heart! Oh, good.
Good.
He's flipped.
He's done.
How can you tell that? - Hey, Reverend Mather! - Back! Back, devils! I have been called to him.
I have been called to His bosom.
Oh, Lord, I have been called to him.
Look, come on down and we'll talk about it! I am through with this vale of tears.
Uh, Reverend I am no longer of this Earth, I am above these mere mortals.
Uh, Reverend, what do you say my partner comes on up there and talks to ya for for just five minutes.
Huh? Whaddya say? Take me from this evilness.
Take me from this wicked Earth.
No, huh? What do you think I oughta do, go down and call the fire department, tell 'em we got a jumper? No, we don't have time.
They broadcast paramedics and medevac as far as Fort Lauderdale from there.
That tower's got Somebody just keys a mic inside - How do you know all that? - Night school.
There is life after Vice.
- Rev! - Hey, Reverend, look, uh, why don't you just come down and we'll talk about it? Now-Now-Now, Reverend, look, l- I know you got problems, sure, but but I don't think we're lookin' at any jail time here.
I have been called to him.
It's not my will.
I have been called to his bosom.
Oh, ye land, thy will be done! [Electricity Crackling.]
[Screaming.]
Oh, God.
Good evening, friends.
It's real good to come before you tonight.
[Chuckles.]
I haven't-haven't been on your television sets the last few nights.
I'm sure you all know the reason why.
My, uh, my electronic ministry was destroyed by what some people persist in saying was an act of divine retribution by an almighty Lord.
Well, I don't know about that.
I guess I'm just not smart enough to know such profound things.
I do know I've been laid low.
I've never been so low as you see me here tonight.
I don't have much left, but I have my health.
And I have my darlin' Leona, who has been a comfort and a joy to me, and I'd like to thank the almighty God for sendin' her to me.
[Inhales, Clears Throat.]
We, uhWe're gonna have to sell most everything we got the houses, the cars, the boats to pay our debts and legal fees, and and to be honest, folks, to pay for Leona's drug rehabilitation program.
And you know what I say, folks? I say good riddance to all that junk.
Now, if I were you, seein' me in this sorry state, I'm not sure I'd wanna get behind this ministry.
I'm not sure that this ministry deserves your support, to be honest.
That's up to you.
Let's just leave it this way: If you wanna send us a few dollars, that's fine.
And if you don't, we still love you and bless you.
Now, with the last few seconds of this-this little message, I'd like to hear Leona sing.
How about you? Darlin', go ahead.
[Electric Piano.]
[Sings.]
L-I'm sorry, darlin'.
Forgive me, folks, l-I forgot.
We-We can only afford the one microphone.
[Phone Ringing.]
Go ahead.
[Electric Piano.]
[Singing.]
[Phones Ringing.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
Thank you, Jesus, thank you.
[Continues.]
One good thing about TV.
You can always turn it off.
[Stops.]