Milo Murphy's Law (2016) s01e14 Episode Script
Athledecamathelon
1 [TITLE MUSIC.]
# Look at that sun Look at that sky # # Look at my sweater vest I look so fly # # Look at that mailbox Look at that tree # # It's about as beautiful as it can be # # Whoa # Today is gonna be exceptional Never boring even for a minute # It's my world and we're all livin' in it # # Whoa, whoa # Never boring even for a minute # It's my world and we're all livin' in it # I love the scholastic decathlon.
It's the only event where knowing the blood type of all the presidents doesn't make me a freak, it makes me an athlete.
And I love the athletic decathlon because, you know, I'm an actual athlete who doesn't know the blood types of presidents.
MILO: "Athledecamathelon?" What is that? Well, "Athle-" means sports, but then "math" [IMITATES EXPLOSION.]
mind blown, man.
- Let's ask Mr.
Drako.
- Mr.
Drako is a - Vampeer.
- Chad, he's not a vampire.
No.
"Vampeer.
" - He just has a widow's peak.
- And he's pale.
And he has that accent.
And we've never seen his reflection in the mirror.
I've never seen your reflection in a mirror, Chad.
Oh, no! I'm a vampire! [SCREAMING.]
Hello, children.
[WHIRRING.]
[WHISPERING.]
Psst! Chad was right.
He has all his mirrors covered.
MELISSA: He's not a vampire.
Mr.
Drako, why do you have all your mirrors covered? Oh, those aren't mirrors.
They're pictures of my ex-wife.
Stop looking at me, Agnes! Why don't you just take them down? Then where would I hang my sheets? Um we wanted to find out about this Athledecamathelon.
Funny story.
The school district wasted a lot of money buying that yacht.
So now we have to combine your scholastic and athletic decathlons into one event.
Which shouldn't be a problem if you're great at all sports and all academics.
No fair! Who's good at academics and sports? - Abraham Lincoln.
- Blood type A.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Murphy, is this a legal, medical, - or state emergency level problem? - Oh, no.
Nothing like that.
Milo just forgot his lunch.
And his body armor.
I thought he looked svelter today.
- Ah, memories.
- Little help! You know, they put in those reinforced steel beams because of me.
And these unbreakable windows.
Hey, I wonder if they've still got my old trophy around here.
- You never told me you won a trophy! - I don't like to brag.
# You're the best remaining # # When everyone better has been eliminated # # If you happen to be in the right place # # At the right time # # Remember your training # # 'Cause you may be the best # You may be the best remaining [WHISTLE BLOWING.]
So tell me again why there was a rock band on the field? Eh.
It was the 80's.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING.]
- Oh.
- Whoa! You know, I'm starting to think that Mr.
Drako really is a vampire.
How can he be a vampire? He's outside in the daylight.
With an umbrella hat and a huge amount of sunscreen.
You can't be too careful about the sun.
Mr.
Drako, combining these two events - just makes it harder on everyone.
- Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure the other team is just as unprepared as you are.
MILO: It's the Middlemen from Middletown Middle School! [CHANTING.]
3.
141510, that's almost Pi, we're the Middlemen! Huh! You are going down, Geckos.
What do you know? Your mascot is a guy in a suit.
WENDY: Our mascot is Murray the Middleman, who buys products from wholesalers and then sells them to retailers at a hefty profit! Actually, that sounds kind of impressive.
MELISSA: Mr.
Drako! They're totally prepared.
- How is that possible? - Well, the Athledecamathelon - was announced three months ago.
- You've known about this for three months and you didn't tell us! I didn't want you to be freaking out.
Like you obviously are.
And you just found out about it, just now! Imagine what you'd have been like if you had known about it all this time.
He has a point.
You do look kind of stressed out.
Why don't you channel that anger to help you? You mean like this? [GLORY MUSIC.]
[GRUNTING.]
O-negative.
William Henry Harrison and James Garfield.
Boom! # Athledecamathelon # # We base our self-esteem upon # # Our intellectual clarity and physical dexterity # # The Athledecamathelon # # You may be a prodigy at javelin # # And you shot put better than the best # # But if you don't know your calculus # And comprehend the syllabus # It is doubtful that you'll ever pass this test # # Athledecamathelon # # Yes, Athledecamathelon # # It's brains but it is also brawn # # It's both you must rely upon # # In the Athledecamathelon # [CRASHING.]
[SCREAMING.]
That trophy has to be here somewhere.
I mean, I was a legend.
Honey, you don't have to show me the trophy.
I believe you won the game.
- Now can we go home? - Oh, look.
I don't see your name anywhere Maybe it's behind one of these big ones.
[GRUNTING.]
Whoa! Hey! Got it! No.
"Best ceramic statue of a soccer ball 2013.
" They give trophies for anything nowadays.
- Huh.
Imagine? - I don't have to, I'm holding it.
Okay, Milo, you have five seconds to name five famous disasters.
And Go.
Vesuvius.
Chicago Fire.
Dinosaur asteroid.
Titanic.
And - Um your haircut! - Oh, meow.
But I'll accept the answer.
[CHEERING.]
And now for the physical portion of your challenge.
Throw this round thing really far.
MILO: Oh.
Yep.
Oh, there yep.
That's probably my bad.
Oh.
Oh.
Mmm, that can happen.
Yeah.
And that's gonna leave a mess.
Whoa! Look out! Oh! Heads up! Okay.
Heads up.
And here comes the fire.
Yep.
Yep.
You can't possibly expect us to continue! Mmm, I can live with this.
Play on! [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
All right, everyone in favor of giving up, give me five dollars then walk off the field.
What's the five dollars for? Are you gonna ask questions or are you gonna walk? No.
Everybody, wait! Don't you see? Before, we were playing on a uneven playing field, it was physically even, but it was figuratively uneven because the Middlemen had time to practice and we didn't.
But now the field is literally uneven, which makes it figuratively even for us because I've spent my entire life learning to deal with things that are uneven.
Physically! None of these guys have had to deal with Murphy's Law.
I have! Which means that we have! Are you with me? I didn't really get all of that, but you look really confident, - so I'm willing to give it a try.
- Let's do this.
- Am I getting my five bucks back? - Oh, we'll see how you do.
Okay, the next and final event, the 400 by 400 dash.
You all have to run across this four hundred yard field, and answer questions on these four hundred tablet computers.
Who was the first prime minister of Canada? Whoever crosses the finish line first - wins the game for their team! - Wait a minute.
You had enough money for all that, but you couldn't afford two separate events? Funny story.
For another time.
Go! [GUNSHOT FIRES.]
Everybody, follow me! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[TABLETS BEEP.]
[MUSIC.]
Leaky water main.
Veer left! Whoa! Whoa! [TABLETS BEEP.]
- Mort! - No, the ground is too unstable! Fly, you fools.
[YELLS.]
Nooooo You're okay.
Don't worry about me.
Go beat those guys! [TABLETS BEEPING.]
Incoming, two o'clock! Duck and cover! Guys, I lost my shoe.
You're going to have to go on without me.
You're definitely not getting your five dollars back.
Well, if you can't see the trophy, you're going to see the play that earned it.
Oh, honey, that's not really necess And, here we go.
And Murphy's intercepted the ball.
He runs down the field and no one can stop him.
This may be the best soccer playing that I have ever seen from a human being or even from some kind of soccer-playing robot.
And Murphy shoots and he [GLASS SHATTERING.]
[CAT YOWLING.]
[VEHICLE CRASHING.]
And that's going to be expensive.
Okay, we have to win this now for Zack.
Poor, poor Zack.
I'm fine, just win this thing already! [CAWING.]
[BEEPING.]
[GRUNTING.]
I have returned to the above world to witness this competition.
But I must admit, I was expecting two separate events.
- One scholastic and one athletic.
- I know, right? [BEEPING.]
- Backstop.
- What? [CRASHES.]
And Murphy runs down the field and nothing can stop him.
This may be the best Athledecamathelon playing that I have ever seen from a human being or even from some kind of Athledecamathelon-playing robot.
What is President James Garfield's blood type? Oh wait, I know this.
And of course President Garfield's blood type was [MOWER WHIRRING.]
And, for the grand prize, What was President James Garfield's blood type? ALL: Oh! My trivial knowledge may seem selective.
But James Garfield's blood type was Aw, man.
Milo! I just said this five minutes ago.
Oh, yeah.
O-Negative! And Athledecamathelon! [ALL CHEERING.]
That's our boy.
I think we can go home now.
You don't want to keep looking for your trophy? Nah, I think we have a new hero in the family.
Aw.
You'll always be my hero.
Ah.
[CRASHING.]
Time to go home.
Don't want to rain on Milo's parade.
[CHILDREN CHEERING.]
[SIRENS WAILING.]
[MUSIC.]
[TITLE MUSIC.]
# We're all livin' in it # CHORUS: # Go, Milo Go, Milo, go # MILO: Oh, thanks, everybody! That is so motivational.
Go, Milo Go, Milo, go # Whoa # # Whoa # # I'm not sitting here watching the world turn # You know I'd rather spin it Go, Milo Go, Milo, go # It's my world and we're all livin' in it #
# Look at that sun Look at that sky # # Look at my sweater vest I look so fly # # Look at that mailbox Look at that tree # # It's about as beautiful as it can be # # Whoa # Today is gonna be exceptional Never boring even for a minute # It's my world and we're all livin' in it # # Whoa, whoa # Never boring even for a minute # It's my world and we're all livin' in it # I love the scholastic decathlon.
It's the only event where knowing the blood type of all the presidents doesn't make me a freak, it makes me an athlete.
And I love the athletic decathlon because, you know, I'm an actual athlete who doesn't know the blood types of presidents.
MILO: "Athledecamathelon?" What is that? Well, "Athle-" means sports, but then "math" [IMITATES EXPLOSION.]
mind blown, man.
- Let's ask Mr.
Drako.
- Mr.
Drako is a - Vampeer.
- Chad, he's not a vampire.
No.
"Vampeer.
" - He just has a widow's peak.
- And he's pale.
And he has that accent.
And we've never seen his reflection in the mirror.
I've never seen your reflection in a mirror, Chad.
Oh, no! I'm a vampire! [SCREAMING.]
Hello, children.
[WHIRRING.]
[WHISPERING.]
Psst! Chad was right.
He has all his mirrors covered.
MELISSA: He's not a vampire.
Mr.
Drako, why do you have all your mirrors covered? Oh, those aren't mirrors.
They're pictures of my ex-wife.
Stop looking at me, Agnes! Why don't you just take them down? Then where would I hang my sheets? Um we wanted to find out about this Athledecamathelon.
Funny story.
The school district wasted a lot of money buying that yacht.
So now we have to combine your scholastic and athletic decathlons into one event.
Which shouldn't be a problem if you're great at all sports and all academics.
No fair! Who's good at academics and sports? - Abraham Lincoln.
- Blood type A.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Murphy, is this a legal, medical, - or state emergency level problem? - Oh, no.
Nothing like that.
Milo just forgot his lunch.
And his body armor.
I thought he looked svelter today.
- Ah, memories.
- Little help! You know, they put in those reinforced steel beams because of me.
And these unbreakable windows.
Hey, I wonder if they've still got my old trophy around here.
- You never told me you won a trophy! - I don't like to brag.
# You're the best remaining # # When everyone better has been eliminated # # If you happen to be in the right place # # At the right time # # Remember your training # # 'Cause you may be the best # You may be the best remaining [WHISTLE BLOWING.]
So tell me again why there was a rock band on the field? Eh.
It was the 80's.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING.]
- Oh.
- Whoa! You know, I'm starting to think that Mr.
Drako really is a vampire.
How can he be a vampire? He's outside in the daylight.
With an umbrella hat and a huge amount of sunscreen.
You can't be too careful about the sun.
Mr.
Drako, combining these two events - just makes it harder on everyone.
- Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure the other team is just as unprepared as you are.
MILO: It's the Middlemen from Middletown Middle School! [CHANTING.]
3.
141510, that's almost Pi, we're the Middlemen! Huh! You are going down, Geckos.
What do you know? Your mascot is a guy in a suit.
WENDY: Our mascot is Murray the Middleman, who buys products from wholesalers and then sells them to retailers at a hefty profit! Actually, that sounds kind of impressive.
MELISSA: Mr.
Drako! They're totally prepared.
- How is that possible? - Well, the Athledecamathelon - was announced three months ago.
- You've known about this for three months and you didn't tell us! I didn't want you to be freaking out.
Like you obviously are.
And you just found out about it, just now! Imagine what you'd have been like if you had known about it all this time.
He has a point.
You do look kind of stressed out.
Why don't you channel that anger to help you? You mean like this? [GLORY MUSIC.]
[GRUNTING.]
O-negative.
William Henry Harrison and James Garfield.
Boom! # Athledecamathelon # # We base our self-esteem upon # # Our intellectual clarity and physical dexterity # # The Athledecamathelon # # You may be a prodigy at javelin # # And you shot put better than the best # # But if you don't know your calculus # And comprehend the syllabus # It is doubtful that you'll ever pass this test # # Athledecamathelon # # Yes, Athledecamathelon # # It's brains but it is also brawn # # It's both you must rely upon # # In the Athledecamathelon # [CRASHING.]
[SCREAMING.]
That trophy has to be here somewhere.
I mean, I was a legend.
Honey, you don't have to show me the trophy.
I believe you won the game.
- Now can we go home? - Oh, look.
I don't see your name anywhere Maybe it's behind one of these big ones.
[GRUNTING.]
Whoa! Hey! Got it! No.
"Best ceramic statue of a soccer ball 2013.
" They give trophies for anything nowadays.
- Huh.
Imagine? - I don't have to, I'm holding it.
Okay, Milo, you have five seconds to name five famous disasters.
And Go.
Vesuvius.
Chicago Fire.
Dinosaur asteroid.
Titanic.
And - Um your haircut! - Oh, meow.
But I'll accept the answer.
[CHEERING.]
And now for the physical portion of your challenge.
Throw this round thing really far.
MILO: Oh.
Yep.
Oh, there yep.
That's probably my bad.
Oh.
Oh.
Mmm, that can happen.
Yeah.
And that's gonna leave a mess.
Whoa! Look out! Oh! Heads up! Okay.
Heads up.
And here comes the fire.
Yep.
Yep.
You can't possibly expect us to continue! Mmm, I can live with this.
Play on! [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
All right, everyone in favor of giving up, give me five dollars then walk off the field.
What's the five dollars for? Are you gonna ask questions or are you gonna walk? No.
Everybody, wait! Don't you see? Before, we were playing on a uneven playing field, it was physically even, but it was figuratively uneven because the Middlemen had time to practice and we didn't.
But now the field is literally uneven, which makes it figuratively even for us because I've spent my entire life learning to deal with things that are uneven.
Physically! None of these guys have had to deal with Murphy's Law.
I have! Which means that we have! Are you with me? I didn't really get all of that, but you look really confident, - so I'm willing to give it a try.
- Let's do this.
- Am I getting my five bucks back? - Oh, we'll see how you do.
Okay, the next and final event, the 400 by 400 dash.
You all have to run across this four hundred yard field, and answer questions on these four hundred tablet computers.
Who was the first prime minister of Canada? Whoever crosses the finish line first - wins the game for their team! - Wait a minute.
You had enough money for all that, but you couldn't afford two separate events? Funny story.
For another time.
Go! [GUNSHOT FIRES.]
Everybody, follow me! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[TABLETS BEEP.]
[MUSIC.]
Leaky water main.
Veer left! Whoa! Whoa! [TABLETS BEEP.]
- Mort! - No, the ground is too unstable! Fly, you fools.
[YELLS.]
Nooooo You're okay.
Don't worry about me.
Go beat those guys! [TABLETS BEEPING.]
Incoming, two o'clock! Duck and cover! Guys, I lost my shoe.
You're going to have to go on without me.
You're definitely not getting your five dollars back.
Well, if you can't see the trophy, you're going to see the play that earned it.
Oh, honey, that's not really necess And, here we go.
And Murphy's intercepted the ball.
He runs down the field and no one can stop him.
This may be the best soccer playing that I have ever seen from a human being or even from some kind of soccer-playing robot.
And Murphy shoots and he [GLASS SHATTERING.]
[CAT YOWLING.]
[VEHICLE CRASHING.]
And that's going to be expensive.
Okay, we have to win this now for Zack.
Poor, poor Zack.
I'm fine, just win this thing already! [CAWING.]
[BEEPING.]
[GRUNTING.]
I have returned to the above world to witness this competition.
But I must admit, I was expecting two separate events.
- One scholastic and one athletic.
- I know, right? [BEEPING.]
- Backstop.
- What? [CRASHES.]
And Murphy runs down the field and nothing can stop him.
This may be the best Athledecamathelon playing that I have ever seen from a human being or even from some kind of Athledecamathelon-playing robot.
What is President James Garfield's blood type? Oh wait, I know this.
And of course President Garfield's blood type was [MOWER WHIRRING.]
And, for the grand prize, What was President James Garfield's blood type? ALL: Oh! My trivial knowledge may seem selective.
But James Garfield's blood type was Aw, man.
Milo! I just said this five minutes ago.
Oh, yeah.
O-Negative! And Athledecamathelon! [ALL CHEERING.]
That's our boy.
I think we can go home now.
You don't want to keep looking for your trophy? Nah, I think we have a new hero in the family.
Aw.
You'll always be my hero.
Ah.
[CRASHING.]
Time to go home.
Don't want to rain on Milo's parade.
[CHILDREN CHEERING.]
[SIRENS WAILING.]
[MUSIC.]
[TITLE MUSIC.]
# We're all livin' in it # CHORUS: # Go, Milo Go, Milo, go # MILO: Oh, thanks, everybody! That is so motivational.
Go, Milo Go, Milo, go # Whoa # # Whoa # # I'm not sitting here watching the world turn # You know I'd rather spin it Go, Milo Go, Milo, go # It's my world and we're all livin' in it #