Mind Your Language (1977) s01e01 Episode Script

The First Lesson

''Principal's office'' Enter Excusing me please lady Yes, what is it? l am coming to be learning the English - You're early - No, l am Ali l beg your pardon? My name is Ali.
Ali Nadim - l am coming to be learning the English - Yes, yes! You wish to join our new class - English as a Foreign Language - Yes please l am hopping to be unrolled Hopping to be unrolled?! Like it say in your sillybus You mean you're hoping to be enrolled That is what l say-hopping to be unrolled l'm afraid you cannot be unrolled enrolled until the English teacher arrives She should be here in a few minutes Meanwhile, perhaps you'd care to wait in the classroom Just go down the corridor, turn left at the bottom and wait in room number five - Understand? - No l'll start again - Go down the corridor - Down the corridor Good - Turn left - Turn left Right You are confusing me - Left or right? - Left Look! You just go down the corridor, turn left and wait in room five! Room five! - l am understanding you now! Room five - Yes Thank you Oh dear, l am not going where l am looking No, no! l wasn't looking where l was going That makes the two of us! Excuse me sir Enter - Mrs Courtney - Miss Oh sorry! l'm your new teacher Jeremy Brown, B.
A.
Oxon - You're a man - Yes This is most unsatisfactory! This won't do at all l assure you my credentials are impeccable Academically perhaps, but l'm talking about sex l distinctly requested the Local Authority to send me a woman teacher Especially after the unfortunate incident involving Mr.
Warburton - Mr.
Warburton? - Yes He was teaching English to foreign students last term l'm afraid he only lasted a month, then he departed - Dead? - Demented Yes, the strain was too much for him Typical of the male sex! No stamina He seemed to be able to cope at first, but one day he just snapped - lt was really quite disgusting - Really? What did he do? Climbed out of the classroom window and on to the roof Took all his clothes off and stood there stark naked Singing ''l've got a lovely bunch of coconuts'' How distressing! Still you musn't worry on my account l'm not likely to climb out of the classroom window l know you aren't - Thank you for your confidence - lt's got nothing to do with confidence We've had the window frames nailed down How very thoughtful! Well, l would appreciate the job Mrs.
Courtney - Miss - Miss Courtney l am qualified and l do need a job! What with the economic situation and inflation and Alright, there's no need to whimper! - You can start immediately - Thank you - On a month's trial - Thank you - lf you last that long - l'll do my best Where will l find my students? - Room five down the corridor and turn left - Right l'm looking forward to meeting them! l'm sure we're all going to get along extremely well Good evening Good evening Quiet please! Silence l am pleased to meet you all We are also pleasing to be meeting you - l am Brown - Oh, no - You are committing a mistake - Mistake? Yes, you are not brown! We are brown! You are white My name is Brown! l'm your teacher - Ah, you Proffessori - Yes Silenzio Thank you Would you all like to sit down! Sit down! ln fact, l'll take a note of all your names, nationalities and occupations - Por favor señor - Yes Es la primera vez que vengo Es ésta la clase para aprender inglés? Well, l haven't the faintest idea what you're saying But l'm sure you're not trying to find the needle-work class - Por favor - lt doesn't matter! Have a seat! - Por favor - Sit down Ah, si - No, not there - Por favor Over there Right! l'll just go round the class and take your names Yes, what is your name? Maximillion Andrea Archimedes Papandrious Yes, l'll just put you down as Max - l take it you're Greek? - ls right! From Athens - And what is your job? - l walk with sheeps You walk with sheeps? - A shepherd! You work on a farm - No, no, no! Not farm - But you said you work with sheep - No, no! Sheeps.
Big sheeps - Ah, ships - Yes, Sheeps, Tonkers - Tonkers! Ah, tankers - ls right - l walk in office - Thank you - And your name? - Anna Schmidt! Jairman au pair - Ah, the usual German efficiency - Jairmans are always efficient Not so Japanes much more efficient Nein, Jairmans are zer best Japanes make much better terevision and camelas Please, please, let's have no racialism ln this class, all are equal - Your name? - Giovanni Cupello! ltalian - What do you work? - l work inna Ristorante dei Populi - A waiter? - No, not a waiter.
A cookada - A cookada? - l cookada raviolo, daspaghetti, dalasagne l cookada everything A chef Your name? What is your name? Me, Jeremy Brown! You? Max, Anna Schmidt, Giovanni Cuppello! You? Yes, yes, write your name down! Good, good No good! l need your name in English - No Urdu? - No Urdu Certificate of registration! Jamila Ranjha! Housewife Thank you - And your name? - l'm Ali Nadim! From Lahor l am working at the moment not anywhere at all - You are unemployed? - Yes please Only one day a week, l am working And what do you do then? l am going to the unemployment exchange to be collecting my money Cor blimey! l get more money for not be working than when l'm working And before you discovered this secret of eternal wealth, what did you do? l worked at the Taj Mahal - ln Delhi? - No, Putney The Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant Very good chapatti and popadom A thousand apologies for my lateness The omnibus was going backwards l'm sure there must be a more logical explanation lt is the absolute truth! l was told to be talking a number 27 omnibus And l complied, but it went in a backward direction l think you meant it was going the other way That is the gist of what l am saying! A thousand apologies lt's all right! Perhaps you'd like to sit next to Ali, your countryman l cannot sit there! lt is impossible Why is it impossible? - l am Sikh - Oh dear l hope it's not contagious! Perhaps you ought ot come back when you're better? l do not comprehend the gist of your conversation You said you were sick No, I am not referring to my physical state of mind My religion is Sikh And he is Muslim! Islam is the only true faith! And Muslim false profit! How you dare to be speaking you damn fool! Sikhs are unbelievers and infidels! Sikhs are peace-loving people And if you are not careful, I will have much pleasure in dispatching you vith this! I will not tolerate any religious intolerance! Now, put that knife away! He called me an infidel! Well, he didn't mean it, did you? Most definitely! I was at Punjab to slice your throat from there to there! From here to here From here to there or there to here, either sliced There will be no throat slicing in my class If you want to do that sort of things, you should have joined the sports in past times Put your knife away and go and sit down - How do you feel about Roman Catholics? - l treat them like my brothers Good, go and sit next to Giovanni - Barbarian - lnfidel Gentlemen please! You are here to learn English not start a holy war - What is your name? - Ranjeet Singh - And from which country? - Punjab Good, what is your job? l'm a very important member of the British underground - The underground what? - Just the underground Mind the doors Oh, that underground - And your name? - Taro Nagazumi My name card! Japanese Reprensentative of Bushedo Electronics - Vely good! Very good and finally your name - Por favor - Your name, what is your name? - Por favor - Nome - Ah nombre, sí Juan Cervantes para servirle señor - No need to ask what nationality you are - Por favor - Spanish - Por favor - What is your job? - Por favor - Trabalio - Ah, trabajo, sí! Tree laggers - You lag trees? - Sí, 1 Jeentonic, 2 whisky, coka tree laggers - Three lagers - Sí - You work in a bar - Bar, sí - Well, Mr.
Brown - Yes thank you Apart from one attempted murder and a possible race riot l think we're coping reasonably well l've come to inform you about the registration fees for the students lt's 5 pounds per head! l'll be grateful if u would collect the money and bring it to my office in your tea break Right, l'll do that Well we have one thing to be grateful for anyway Sex won't be rearing its ugly little head l beg your pardon? From past experience, it isn't race or religion that causes problems lt's usually the presence of some foreign beauty Jealousies, intrigues - all that sort of thing Yes, well looking at my class, l dont think we'll be too bothered with anything like that l come to learn English 'Ave l come to ze right place? Enter - Mrs Courtney - Miss Miss! l've just brought the registration fees for the students - Good! Now how many students have you? - Nine - So there's 45 pounds in here - That depends on the rate of exchange l don't quite follow you Not all of them had 5 pounds in English money So l collected 29,50 in Sterling and the rest is made up of 2000 yen, 3000 lira 250 pesetas, 75 drachmas, 50 francs and 12 deutchmarks According to this morning's financial paper, that should give us a profit of 1045,5 pounds Then l suggest you take it to the bank in the morning and convert it into English currency Right, l'll do that - By the way, how's the femme fatale? - Ah, yes! Danielle At the moment, she's in the tea room with ltaly, Spain and Greece Trying to establish diplomatic relations - l hope she's not going to cause any bother - Oh no, l'm sure she won't - Look, l am going to sitta here - No, it is me who is going to be sitting here - Before you were sitting over dair - And before you were sitta over dair - You takeadamick - Who, me? You go back and sit where u were before - No, l sit here - you not sitt here - Who is gonna be stopping me? - Me Yourself? You think you're tough! Come outside Hokay - Where are you going? - We go houtside to havada punch down You mean a punch up l'm going to - How you say - knock his bloody block off We see who's bloody blocka is knockered off - Now just a minute! What is all this about? - l tella you Mr.
White - Brown - Scusi! ls about where we sit What's wrong with where you're sitting before? Ltsa my eyes Professori! l gotta sitta nearer da front Here l see! And l suppose it's got nothing to do with the fact that Danielle is sitting here too She is? l never noticed You see itsa my eyes! l'm a little shorta sighted And also a much beega liar - lt's not true Mr.
Green - The name is Brown You see! l'm a colour blind as well And Max, l suppose you've got trouble with your eyes as well No, no, no! My eyes are hokay! lt's my hears - l am not hearing very well - That's a likely story What you say? l say you both go back and sit where you were sitting before now l hope you don't think l was - How you say - too forward No, no! l'm sure you weren't in any way to blame at all Teacher please! - Mr.
Blown - Yes Prease folgive my rateness! l apologize but l rost my way Not to worry! What is your name? - Chung Su Lee - Su Lee - Where are you from? - Democlatic Lepublic of China - And what is your job? - Secletaly! Chinese Dipromat Very nice Right! Where shall we put you? Taro! How are relations between Japan and China? Depends on political viewpoint! Japan light wingo! China refto wingo l see! Are you light wingo or reft wingo? Right or left? l forrow teaching of Chairman Mao ln that case, You'd better sit next to Jamila, the lndian lady - Alright? - Thank you Right, now we will start by learning a few basic English verbs And firstly, we will take the verb 'to be' - Ta be - To be l am English, you are Chinese He is ltalian! She is French He is barbarian And you are asking for a kick up your big brown backside Pay attention please - l am - l am - You are - You are - He, she, or it is - He, or she or it is - We are - We are - You are - You are - They are - They are Now i'll go round the class and ask you each to give me a sentence using the verb to be Taro, 'l am' l amo very happy to be learningo English - Good! Giovanni, 'he is' - He isada fool Good but not isada! He is a fool Yes he is a fool Max, 'she is' She is beautiful! She is wonderful - She is - Yes, yes, thank you Max! That will do - Juan, 'it is' - Por favor? - lt is - Por favor lt is raining Lloviendo, it is raining ¡No, no llueve! lt is raining ¡No llueve, hombre! ¡Tengo ojos! - We'll skip you for the moment Por favor? lt doesn't matter! Sit down Su Lee, 'it is' lt is duty of evely citizen to overthlow lmpelial Warmongers So say Chairman Mao Yes, well that's his opinion! Good, good Danielle, 'we are' We are lucky to 'ave such a good 'andsome teacher Quiet please! Very true I mean Thank you Ali, 'you are' - You are - You are waiting for me to speak an answer Well done! Unfortunately, l am not understanding the question l want you to give me a sentence using 'you are' l am No, not 'l am', 'you are'! For example you are from Pakistan - l am from Pakistan - Yes but now use 'you are' But l cannot say you are from Pakistan because you are not, are you? - Repeat after me - you are English - No, l'm not! l'm from Pakistan - What am l? - You are confusing me You are stupid poof - Don't you call me a poof - Poof Sit down please! Quiet! There's really not much more we can do Until you all get your text books! But what i would like you to do is some homework Alright, l want you each to write an essay A short story about your life here in England The things you do, the things you like l'll see you all on Wednesday Ah, Mrs.
Courtney - Miss - Miss l've just dismissed the class for tonight! l think we've covered all we can for the first session You look a trifle under the weather - Job getting you down already? - No, no l'm fine! Never felt better - There's just one thing though - Yes That window you nailed down! The one Mr.
Warburton climbed out of What about it? l think l ought to put a few more nails in it