Mind Your Language (1977) s01e03 Episode Script

A Fate Worse Than Death

- Oh Max, can u help me? - Sure, anything you want - l am in very big trouble - l kill him - Who you kill? - The man who put you in big trouble - There's no man - Dio Gracias - lt's my homework! l have not finished it - And l am haven't started it - Mr.
Brown he is going to be very angry - Don't worry - Giovanni, he's gonna fix everything - Yes? Buona Serra Hockay! Who wants the homework! Only 10 p.
Each 10 p.
No peseta Whose next? - Giovanni, how we know answers right? - Sure answers right My landalady's little boy write them down! He's a clever kid Quiet please - Where is Mr.
Brown? - Mr.
Brown not alived This is too bad! He should be here You want l give Mr.
Brown a massage? - l presume you mean message - Collect No thank you l shall wait until he arrives lt will give me an opportunity to find out how much you have learned Which is precious little l suspect - But Madame, we learn a lot from Mr.
Brown - Yes Quiet now! Quiet, quiet! Very well! Let's see if we can find out how much you've learned from Mr.
Brown Can anyone give me a sentence containing the word 'catalyst'? Come along somebody! Catalyst - Por favore senora? - Yes ln my country Spain, most of the people are Roman Catalyst l don't believe it - That's not right - No? ltaly is a much bigger catalyst country Quiet Quiet! Sit down! Quiet please! Good evening Miss Courtney - lt's almost goodnight - l'm sorry l'm late l was detained at the paper shop Mr.
Brown, l know the times are hard but do you have to deliver newspapers? Oh no! l've bought them! They are for the students as part of their education Well they certainly need some education Good evening Excuse me please! l am just this moment arriving - Excuse me again! l go - What? l come back - Are you moving house? - Not at all l am coming here straight from my work - You've got ajob? - Yes please l'm a travelling salesman! l go round knicking the doors - Knocking - That is correct - And what are you selling? - Oh blimey, everything For a master or mistress! l show you some example Maybe you'll be wanting to buy something No thanks, l don't think that's my size So sorry please! This case is for the lady people only This case is for the man people! And everything very good price Look this please You not have to be tying it And also, if you are dropping soup, you'll be whiping it off - lt's jolly good plastic - Yes very ingenious - Only one pound 50p! You wanting one? - No thanks l am telling you what l am doing! - To you only one pound - l don't want one Ali How about ajelly good shirt? Guaranteed one hundred percent substandard No thank you Ali, you got any socks? Plenty socks! Fifty p.
Only! Plenty woolly - Ali - Excuse, l'm serving - l have 2 - Right, two! Money, money, money Now tell me! Anybody wanting undertrousers? All different colours - How much? - Only fifty p.
Ali! Please - Ah, you are wanting one? - No l am finding you very good pair Lovely, lovely, lovely! Red, white and blue Just like Union Jack Very patriotic! No, thank you - Have you any scarf? - Most definitely For you only one pound! Made in Honk Kong Hong Kong? l not buy from Capatalist state where workers are exploited as cheap labour - Anyone else is wanting something else? - Ali please - Ah, you are exchanging your mind - No l'm not Put these cases away! This is not Petticoat Just sit down everybody Taro, sit down Now, before we do anything else this evening, l want to find a monitor O.
You tell us where to look! We find one Giovanni, a monitor is a person who can take charge of the class during my absence Somebody intelligent enough to assume responsibility On second thought, perhaps this is not such a good idea after all Please l think l am making good monitor l think we'll alternate, have a different one each week lt'll be a good experience for you! All right, Anna we'll start with you Danke! - Thank you - Zank you lf you'll hand these round and collect the homework Ja - Yes Anna - Yes And from now on, l want to hear no more foreign language spoken in this class From the moment you come in here you speak English all the time ls that understood? - Por favor? - No por favor Por favor finito! English only - lts alright - Yes Now, have you all got a newspaper? l'm going to ask you each to read a passage from the newspaper Then we'll discuss it together, O.
K? Max, you start Hamerican Embassy bugged No Max, bugg'd Hey, my boss! He all the time say is bugged That may be so Giovanni but the word we're dealing with is bugg'd Read it again Max correctly Hamerican Embassy Buggde Good! Now does anybody know what that means? Ah, Taro lt means american Embassy full of little insects No Taro! They're not that sort of bugs! Listening devices Jamila, can you read anything from your newspaper? Read something! - 8 p.
- Yes, that's a start - Late again, Ranjeet - Oh, Mr.
Teacher l'm apologising most humbly Perhaps next week, you'll try and get here on time l'm thinking next week l am not being here at all - Are you leaving us? - l will be joining honourable ancestors - You mean you're going to die? - Most definitely l'm going to die by my own hand lf you are wanting some assistance l am happy to be helping l thought you didn't like Sikhs That is why l am happy to be helping Alright Ali, this is not a laughing matter - l think Ranjeet is serious - Most certainly l am - But why are you thinking of killing yourself? - l'm forced to be getting married You randy old chapati You are putting some innocent lady in the pudding club l am doing nothing of the sort you Muslim twit All right, that will do! l don't understand Ranjeet Why you're being forced to get married? According to the Sikh tradition, l was betrothed when l was twelve to Surinder The ten year old daughter of the best friend of my father She was a beautiful girl with hair like silk, eyes like black diamonds And a figure like a tender bamboo shoot And now her father is saying it is time for me to be marrying her Well if she's got eyes like black diamonds, hair like silk And a figure like a tender bamboo shoot, what are you complaining about? Blimey that was twenty years ago Now, she is putting on so much weight That from behind she is looking like an elephant As a matter of fact, she is looking like elephant from the front also Can't you just tell her that you've changed your mind? Not at all! Only a lady can change mind - l am up the creek without a puddle - Paddle You not do it! lt's a sin to kill yourself lt's the only call which is left open to me - When you do this killing yourself? - Tonight Can we come and watch? This is ridiculous! People don't go round killing themselves rather than break off an engagement lt is my religion - ln that case, why don't you marry? - That will be worse than killing myself Go and sit down We'll discuss whether you kill yourself or not during the tea break Mr.
Brown There's an lndian lady in my office who wishes to speak to Mr.
Ranjeet Singh Excusing me Missy! This lady, is she resembling an elephant? l wouldn't exactly put it like that although she is rather large Oh blimey, it is Surinder Ask her to come along here Miss Courtney - That's very irregular - lt is rather important Very well, but don't make a habit of it What are you doing that for? So that we can talk to her! Perhaps make her see reason lt is not anyway possible! l keel myself Put that knife down Max, Giovanni, hold his arms - Where is it? - He's not here yet l am waiting for him in the corridor He is promised to me and l swear by the Holy Guru he is having me Well, what am l telling you? Yes, l quite see your point about an elephant Still, don't worry Ranjeet, l'm sure some elephants are very nice Can l have knife back, please? - Promise you won't kill yourself? - l promise - Killing myself is not going to help me - That's the attitude l have much better idea - l kill her - No - Ah, you're still there? - Yes, l am still here - l really think you ought to go home - No, l wait for Ranjeet - l don't think Ranjeet will be coming tonight - l wait - ls she still being out in corridor? - Yeah l'm afraid so Ranjeet Miss Courtney won't be very pleased when she finds out about all this Oh, dearie me! What am l going to be doing? Can't you just tell her you're not going to marry her But l am not going to be marrying Miss Courtney - l'm referring to Surrinder - Oh, no lf l'm telling her that, she is surely going to kill me - You said you were gonna kill yourself - That is correct Pleaso! ln my country when a person commits hara kiri lt is custom for besto friend to be presento - To chop off heado - Chop off head? - l will be happy to assisto - You will do nothing of the sort Now please everybody, just sit down You're here to learn English! We've had enough disruption for one night You should leave your personal problems at home! Now please all look at your newspapers - Juan, read out a headline - Por favor? - The newspaper - Si - Newspaper? - Read something out ''lncrease ln London rats'' - ''London rats''?! - lncrease ln London Rats Rates Perdon Anna, your turn ''Vestern Vorld Velcomes Vind of Change'' Vunderful! Very good Danielle? - ''Prime minister sold a pup'' - Good Now that is a very good example of a figure of speech Prime minister sold a pup Can you tell me what it means Giovanni? He's buying a dog No, it's a figure of speech Let me give you another example! Prime minister sold a dummy - You know what that means? - Sure - Did you understand it? - Yeah Just one thing l not understand Does he buy the dummy before or after he buy the pup? - He doesn't buy anything - Newspaperman is a big liar lt's a figure of speech l told you it's a figure of speech lt doesn't mean what it says Typical of lmperial poriticians who distort truth and suppress working classes Thank you A figure of speech is a way of expressing an idea by way of contrast or comparison lf you are being sold a pup or sold a dummy You are being cheated or deceived ln England, we use figures of speech quite a lot For example, we say 'as quick as lightning' As light as a feather As clean as a whistle - As blind as a Su Lee? - As brind as a bat Good! Because bats cannot see - Max, as deaf as a - Postman - No Max, posts! Because posts cannot hear - Neither can my postman - Ali, as sly as a - Sikh - Fox! Ranjeet, as mad as a - Muslim - Hatter! Taro, as drunk as a - Newto Lord is more correct - Jamila, as white as - You Snow! Ali, as smooth as? A baby's bottoms Alright, we'll break for tea now and continue with the newspapers when we come back Please, how am l going to be getting out without being obsreved by the fat one? That's your problem My problem is to get her off the premises before Miss Courtney finds her - Look l really think you ought to go home - No, l stay - What is going on? - What is going on? - What is going on? - Yes, l'm talking to this lady - Why is she here? - She's talking to me - Why is she sitting in the corridor? - Why is she sitting in the corridor? Must you repeat everything l say? l could have sworn that woman wasn't pregnant yesterday You are safe now Thank you Jamila! Thank you What you do now? Maybe l can jump out of the window You'd be lucky! We're on the third floor Mr.
Brown, l have a feeling that something very peculiar is going on No, no! Everything's perfectly all right l can assure you - Are you going? - Yes To get a cup of tea Oh blimey! lt's Surinder That was sounding like my Ranjeet - Where is he now? - l told you he's not here Excuse me dearie Are you looking for the darky fellow with a beard and a bandage round his head? - Most definitely - He's just crawled behind those curtains Come out Ranjeet l am knowing you are there Come out What is the meaning of this? l am noticing windows very dirty so l am cleaning them for you l like very much cleaning windows ln the pitch dark? - Come in off that window ledge at once - Most certainly A thousand apologies l kill myself Well hurry up! Tea break's nearly over - l am meaning it - Go on - l am going to join my ancestors - Don't keep them waiting too long - ByeBye everybody - Bye - l am doing it now - So you keep saying This is it then Come on! Hurry up please Maybe l am having a cup of coffee before l do it Ranjeet, we all know you've not the slightest intention of killing yourself So put the knife away and let's discuss this properly Now Surinder as l understand it You and Ranjeet here were both betrothed when you were children Most definitely and now he's not wanting to marry me You can't get married unless you love each other lt is his duty to be marrying me otherwise l am losing my face l think she's lost it already You wouldn't be happy together Can't you just agree to release Ranjeet from his promise? - And what will become of me? - l'm sure you'll meet somebody else lf l think l would meet another man l most gladly release Ranjeet - You would? - Most certainly But who is going to be having me now? You know Surinder there is something Mr.
Brown is not telling you - There is? - Oh, yes indeed He has a special reason for wanting you not to be marrying me - l have? - He is wanting to marry you himself - He is wanting to be marrying me? - l am wanting to marry her? l accept - Ola Mr.
Brown - Good evening Gladys - When is the happy day then? - There's not going to be any happy day lt was a complete misunderstanding What a pity! l thought you and Surinder made a lovely couple With all due respect, she was a couple on her own! Good evening Now before we start l checked your homework last night And l have a feeling there have been some sort of chicanery going on We not know what you mean Well Giovani! l'll tell you Firstly, there's the fact that five of them are written in the same hand lt's a sheer coincidence And is it also a coincidence that you all answered question seven as follows Question: Explain what is wrong with the following sentence 'My dogs is in the garden' Answer: 'l do not have a garden' - Give me 10 p.
- l want my 10 p.
Back You will all receive extra homework tonight And please this time make sure you do it yourselves l am apologizing again! But l am delayed by Surinder l thought she'd agreed to release you from the marriage now Yes, she has! But her father is coming here to see you about your marriage now Look, there's not going to be any wedding l've broken it off Oh dearie me! How painful l've written to Surinder's parents explaining that l couldn't possibly marry their daughter l pointed out the differences between our religious and cultural backgrounds And the fact l have no intention of marrying anyone - He should've got the letter this morning - Oh yes he did That is why he is coming! He is hoping to be slicing you into many pieces Pardon? He say you are bringing disgrace on his daughter Don't be ridiculous! This isn't Punjab! lt's England, a civilised country People just don't go around slicing each other up and l shall tell him so Where is this illegitimate offspring of a six-legged camel Blimey, l am not knowing where he is He is not here! He has emigrated