Mind Your Language (1977) s01e05 Episode Script

The Best Things in Life

- Good evening everyone - Good evening - Good evening - Good heaven Ranjeet You're actually here on time - Yes - Well done Su maletín Yes, thank you Juan and thank you for carrying it De nada, hombre.
Permítame que le quite el abrigo, por favor Yes, thank you very much Ya sabe usted que aquí estoy yo para servirle, señor - You spanish creeper - You ltalian All right, settle down everybody! We've got a lot of work to do tonight Excuse please - Just sit down a minute Ali, will you? - No thank you l am only coming to tell you l am not coming - Not coming? - Yes please You can't leave in the middle of a term l mean you were doing quite well! Why do you want to leave? - Oh blimey, l am coming up on the puddles - Coming up on the puddles? - Yes please, the football puddles? - The football pools Yes please! l am getting eight scoring draws - How many draws on the coupons? - Only the eight l am getting Hey how much you win? Oh blimey, it could be half a million pounds Santa Maria l'm very happy for you! Because you're my best friend He's also my friend And mine - l am the true friend of Ali - You? But of course! We are practically bloody brothers! - l thought you didn't like Muslims - l love Muslims Especially when they are having half a million pounds! Well, l don't know what to say Ali l mean l'm very pleased for you of course - l am also being very pleased for me - What will you do? Oh blimey, l am going to bed - To bed? - Yes please With all that money, l'm not needing to be working, so l'm going to bed - You mean you're going to retire - Most definitely You're quite sure you've got eight score draws? Oh yes, l got the copy Here please, the ones l'm ticking off Ali, l don't think you're going to retire just yet - He's not gotta eight draws? - Oh yes - He's gotta eight he's got eight draws - Good But they're not all on the same line! - What difference is that making? - lt means you haven't won anything - Notting at all? - Notting at all Bellos! Loco! That is typical of that Muslim twit! No brains whatsoever Oh blimey, you are changing tune When you are thinking that l am very wealthy you are being my bloody brother That is before I am finding out you are bloody stupid Don't you call me stupid you bearded baboon! Quiet the pair of you and sit down l presume you're staying now Ali - l'm staying now, yes - Good Now this evening l thought we'd try some practical use of the English language By acting out various situations that you might come across in real life - Now, we'll start with you Taro - ''Aso'' - Now, you are going to the bank - Banko, yes - Where are you going? - Banko - No, it's only a pretend bank - Pletendo? Yeso! We'll imagine this table is the bank counter and l am the bank clerk And you are a customer and you're coming to cash a cheque - All right? - Ok - Good morning Sir - lt is not good morning time lt is good night time Yes, it is now! But we are just pretending - Aso, Cally on - Thank you - Good morning Sir - One moment - What is it now? - Are you Barclays or Midlando? lt doesn't really matter! Midland if you like - Good morning Sir - Goodbye Goodbye? Midlando not my banko! Barclays my banko All right, it's Barclays - Good morning Sir - Good morning - You wish to cash a cheque? - Yes pleaso Good! How much? Ten pounds? - Twenty? Thirty? - Thirty - And how do you want it? - ln money please Yes but do you want thirty in tens, ones or fives or what? - Can l have thirty fives? - No, that would be 150 pounds - Solly for mistako - Not to worry Thank you Taro! That wasn't too bad Now, who should we have next? Ah, Danielle You are the nicest banker l've seen Yes, well we're not in the bank now! l want you to imagine something different - l have a very good imagination - l'm sure you have Now you are going into a post office and l am the assistant - Excuse me, can you help me? - Certainly Madam! What is it you wish? How much is it a letter to post? - ls it someone in England? - No, no it's a Swiss letter - A Swiss letter? - Yes, l write to my boyfriend in Switzerland Well, it's more correct to say you want to send a letter to Switzerland not a Swiss letter lt could be very embarrassing if you were writing to somebody in France - Excuse me? - lt doesn't matter l am thinking l need some extra English lessons Maybe l could stay here with you after the class l don't think we could do that Well l come home with you and you could teach me a lot Yes l'm sure l could! But l think you know quite sufficient already - Now, is there anything else you want? - Yes but l cannot tell you here - From the post office - No, nothing Well alright, thank you Danielle, that will do - Now, Juan - Sí señor - You're going to the Employment Exchange - Por favor - You are going to get a job - No, l already have ajob Yes l know that, we're assuming you don't And you're going to the Employment Exchange to get one - As l explained to Taro, we're pretending - lt's alright - Now, what is your name? - You already know my name l do but the clerk at the job desk doesn't Ah, si! Juan Cervantes para servirle - Are you married? - Sí l married to Gina Lollabrigida - Don't be ridiculous - Pretending Touché, alright! - What sort of ajob are you looking for? - Plenty money job l see and what is the work you want to do in order to earn this plenty money? Plenty little! Alright Juan! Thank you! That will be sufficient Pity, l like it! A very good game! Thank you! Now, Ranjeet What is it you are wanting me to do? - You are going to the Doctor's - What is the nature of my complaint? - Let's just say you don't feel well - But l'm never feeling better - Pretend you have a cold - A cold what? Alright, let's forget about the cold - Just imagine you have a pain - Very well sir Well go on A thousand apologies! l am waiting for you to say 'Next please' - Doctor always say 'Next please' - Next please - Good morning Doctor - Good morning - And what seems to be the trouble? - l have a terrible pain - Where? - ln my imagination You're supposed to be pretending it's a real pain A thousand apologies again! - l have a real terrible pain - Good - Where is this pain? - ln my foot His brains are hurting - Your backside will be hurting in a moment - Blimey you can't even crack a pompadom - l give you bunches of fivers - l give you bunches of tenners Miss Courtney What on earth is going on in here? We were just having a few practical lessons - What in, unarmed combat? - lt might come in useful Well l'm afraid your students will have to do without you for a little while - You're wanted down at the police station - The police station? There's no need to look so guilty! lt's nothing you've done lt's about one of your students! The lndian lady - Jamila? Has anything happened to her? - Yes She's been arrested for shoplifting! Hello Constable Wilkings? Where the devil are you? You should've been back here by now Pardon? No i will not send a Panda car for you l don't care if somebody has pinched your bicycle! Pinch somebody else's Would you like a cup of tea? Tea, cup! ''Char'' Char, yes please no thank you! 4 sugar Don't run away Jamila! Are you all right? What did she say Ali? - ln English - Excuse me please She is saying she is very glad we are coming to help her escape Ask her what she stole - Well? - Nothing She must have said more than that Yes please! She is saying she only took a book from the newspapershop But the book was free There's obviously been some misunderstanding! l'll sort it out with the police - Will they be sending her to prison? - No, no! l don't think it's that drastic l'll have a word with the sergeant! Five pounds ought to do it Ah, l'm understanding! That is a fine No, no, no! Not exactly a fine! Let's say it's a little gift - Gift? - Yes lt's an old English custom! l scratch your back, you scratch mine - You scratch my back, l scratch yours - That's right Very well! Where are you being itchy? No, no, never mind! - Char - Good evening - Good evening - Good evening - Are you Mr.
Brown? - No, he is Mr.
Brown l was speaking to him ln that case, you were right first time - Who are you? - Ali Nadim No, l am Ali Nadim! You are Mr.
Brown Yes Ali, l'll do the talking, alright? You just leave it to me Now l'm sure we can sort this out, inspector The Commissioner looks after promotions here sir Yes, you look like an lnspector l'm sure it's only a question of time May l compliment you on your station and what a wonderful job you're doing Thank you sir - Now about this young lady? - Ah yes l expect you'd like to have a look at my driving licence - What for? - To verify my identity - You said you were Mr.
Brown - Yes but you want some proof, don't you? Look if you tell me you're Mr.
Brown l accept that is the truth - Yes but l could have been lying - Were you lying? No, he's definitely Mr.
Brown! - He is telling the truth - Ali - l insist you look at my driving licence - Oh very well, if it will make you happy - ls this yours sir? - Pardon? This five pound note was inside you driving licence Are you sure? lt could have dropped out of your trouser pocket Oh yes! And dropped upwards l suppose on to the desk? Perhaps you had it tucked up your sleeves Yes and l could have a couple of doves up the other but l haven't lt was definitely in your licence Yes sergeant is correct! l remember you putting it there not a moment ago l forgot lt was just before you said ''You scratch my back, l scratch yours'' - Thank you George Washington - No l'm Ali Yes Ali, just be quiet please - Now sergeant, about this young lady - Yes the accused Remember British Justice! A person is presumed innocent until proven guilty - And this poor lady is innocent - l know that Just because she's an immigrant you can't go picking on - pardon? Oh she pinched the book all right but she thought it was buckshee See what it says on the front cover? - Free inside! Colour supplement - That's right - And she thought the whole book was free - Yes So it wasn't her fault lf anyone's to blame, it's the person who's teaching her English lt's not always easy! Well if that's all we'll be getting along! Come along Jamila Before you go sir Would you like to make a donation to our Police charity fund? Well as a matter of fact, you've caught me at a rather awkaward moment What about the fiver? You remember sir, the one you thought you never had Oh, that fiver! You know what they say sir, what you've never had you never miss Unless you knew it was there all the time ln which case it would come under bribery and corruption You scratch my back and l'll scratch yours l see Mr.
Brown is not back What are you doing at the moment? - We are studying our English Glammar - Good And how far have you got? Let me see your book Giovanni, Miss Courtney would like to see your book l want to see your book Thank you ''The affairs of a Call Girl'' l thought it was about the adventures of a telephone operator! Honest A likely story! Well, until Mr.
Brown returns l shall take the class - Señora, where are you taking us - l'm not taking you anywhere l shall ask you a few questions on general knowledge Now first of all, can anybody tell me who said ''To be or not to be''? - Please you just said it - Yes But before l said it, who said it? - Excuse prease - yes Chairman Mao lt may come as a surprise to you, but other people wrote things besides Chairman Mao Chairman Mao lite everything He certainly didn't lite - write - ''To be or not to be''! Does anybody know? - William Shakespeare - Correct Excuse please! Who is this William Spearshake? - Shakespeare - A thousand apologies Are you not familiar with Shakespeare's works? - ls it a big place? - ls what a big place? These works of Shakespeare - l'm referring to the things he wrote - Scusi Can anybody tell me what the population of England is? - Miss Shmidt? - Ja, English Not any longer However, what l really meant was how many there are? l don't know, l haven't counted them Let me ask you a simple question - Mr.
Nagazumi - ''Aso'' Can you tell me how many P's there are in a pound? Depend on size of peas l think you'd better all go back to studying your books until Mr.
Brown returns He surely can't be much longer l wish she'd tell us why she's brought us back here She just said she was having something to show you She is saying thank you for saving her from the police And hopes you'll do the same next time Well let's hope there's not going to be a next time Free Offer! 2 p.
Off each tin - Supermark - Supermarket They've obviously been having Oh no! Free offer! You haven't been taking things from the supermarket Oh dearie me! - You can say that again - Oh dearie me We must be going back to see the Police Sergeant and scratch his back again We can't do that! He'll never believe this was a mistake Pinching a magazine is one thing But knocking off half a supermarket is rather a different matter On the other hand, we can't let Jamila keep all these stolen goods! lt's dishonest She can give them to me! - l do not minding being dishonest - Yes, l'm sure you're not Now listen Ali, l want you to go back to the school And ask all the students to meet Jamila and l outside the supermarket - What are we going to be doing? - We're going to put all these things back - Gladys, is everything locked up? - Yes Miss Courtney By the way, l don't suppose you could give me a lift l'm afraid l'm not going straight home tonight There's a few things l need from the supermarket Right, now you all know what to do! Just be very careful that nobody sees you What are you doing here? l suppose you could say it was an extra curricular activity - Sir, excuse me! lt's stuck - What are you doing with thatjar? Trying to get it out lt's a long story, Miss Courtney! l'll explain later Let me give you a hand All right, l've been watching you! Just what do you think you're doing? Would you believe we're putting things back? - No - l didn't think you would Well, well, well! Regular little Fagin, aren't you? l can explain Sergeant You're not going to show me your licence again, are you? That's a relief See, we were actually trying to return these goods Ask the students Quiet Now look, Sergeant, lt was obviously just been a misunderstanding l see no reason why we should pursue this any further - l'm sorry Madam - Miss if you don't mind Yes! Well l'm afraid l shall have to make a report out on this affair - Now couldn't you forget it ever happened? - No l'm sure your Police Charity Fund wouldn't say no to another contribution Sergeant Well, we're always grateful for anything, sir - Shall we say another five pounds? - That's very generous of you Come along everybody Just a moment Mr.
Brown Where are you going? l haven't made out my report yet Yeah but l've just given you five pounds to forget it Oh no sir You've very kindly donated five pounds to our charity fund - lt wasn't meant as a bribe, was it sir? - No Good, now let's take a few names - You Madam, sorry Miss - Courtney - Thank you! You sir - Si - What is your name? - Por favor - How do you spell that? - That's not his name - Giving me a false name, eh? - Por favor l'll come back to you, Mr.
Por Favor or whatever your name is - You - Yes please - What is your name? - No, Watt is not my name l don't want to know what your name is not - What is your name? - And l am telling you it is not - You, what is his name? - Nein Now we're getting somewhere Mr.
Nine - That is not his name? - You just said it was You ask me if his name is Watt, and l tell you Nein His name is not Watt but also not Nein l'm going around the bend - What is his name? - Absolutely not Not what? That is correct - What is your name? - Wrong again - He's not here - Who's not here? - Watt - Pardon Who is not here and Watt is not here neither You're all barmy Mr.
Brown, if l promise not to proceed with this report - Will you do me a favour? - Yes what is it? Take these crackpots out of here and promise never to bring them back Even if they've committed a murder! Good evening Miss Courtney or should l say Miz Please don't remind me of last night's unfortunate incident Sorry l hope you've explained to your lndian lady the difference between Free and Free Offer Yes, she understands it! Don't worry, it won't happen again Excuse me! l'm looking for a Jamila Ranjhatt - Are you thinking what l'm thinking? - l hope not Why do you want Jamila? She ordered a mini bike from us over a month ago and she hasn't paid us We've sent her three invoices - She actually ordered the bike - Oh yes, she sent in the coupon - Here it is - Oh no, she's done it again