Mind Your Language (1977) s02e02 Episode Script

Queen for a Day

- Good evening - Good evening sir I see the meaning of the word punctuality Hasn't yet sunk in with certain members of our class You see Max! I told you we'd be here before Professori - Better sit down before he comes - Okay tokay Good evening How did you get in? Through the window? You're late! Too busy drinking in the pub to notice the time? We've not been in the pub, have we Max? Sure, we've not Look we're coming to the school And we see this old lady trying to cross the road That's right! She's very old - And blind - Pushing a pram An old blind lady pushing a pram Well, maybe she wasn't exactly blind And maybe she wasn't exactly there either Sure it's true On Max's life, we have not been in the pub - Honest - All right Hey, you left your books in the pub - Santa Maria - What's the matter? Look behind you Not been in the pub, eh? Now I remember, we were there just for a minute Sit down all of you Why you not telling me teacher is behind me you italian macaroni? Why you not look you spanish omelette All right, sit down and be quiet Teacher is right! You sit down and be quiet! Sit down! That includes you Juan - Por favor? - You heard Sit down! I'm getting rather tired of this continual habit of certain people being late Seven thirty is the time class commences And you should be all sitting at your desks ready to begin work I shan't tell you again In future, anyone who comes late will go straight home Good evening everybody - You're late - Oh no Look please, I'm being early It's only twenty minutes past seven o'clock Correction, It is twenty five minutes to the eight That clock is not being right And is my watch not being right also? Yes please Has it occured to you that your watch may be wrong? Oh blimey, this watch is guaranteed never to be wrong It is twenty one julies - Jewels - Yes please I am buying it today from market place You bought that watch from a stall on the market? Most definitely The man is telling me it is a jolly good bargain Twenty one julies and real gold case Eighteen turnips - Eighteen Carats - Sorry please And how much did you pay For this twenty one jewelled eighteen carat gold timepiece? Two pounds fifty pence! I think he saw you coming Ali Most definitely! He was seeing me before I was seeing him What I mean is, you were swindled - Oh no - You can't buy a watch for two pounds fifty But the man is telling me it is being so cheap - Because it is bankruptured stock - Rupted It's not going Ali Perhaps it needs a wind up There's nothing to wind up It's empty Oh blimey, I am being cheated Excuse me please, I go to find the crooked man - He won't be there now Ali - What about my money? You'll just have to put it down to experience Sit down! We've got a lot of work to do How are you coming along? Have you learnt any more English? More English? Yes, bloody foreigners Well that's a start! You will have to follow the lesson as best as you can And I will explain later Do you understand? Never mind! Sit down an do your best Tonight we're going to look at sentence construction Can anyone give me a definition of a sentence? - Me please - Yes Su Lee A sentence is a gloup of words that makes comprete sense - Very good - For example - Communism is only tlue way of rife - Thank you Or Capitarists are enemies of peace roving people - Or China - I think you've made your point Su Lee Now a sentence contains eight parts of speech Can anybody tell me what they are! Come along now - Noun - Good, excellent - Pronoun - Very good Why am I very good and she is excellent All right, you're both excellent! Anybody else? - Verb - Good - Adverb - Well done - Adjective - Yes - Prepositiono - Goodo Good - Conjunction - One more Come along doesn't anybody know what the other one is An interjection Can somebody tell me what an interjection is? - Sí, señor - Yes Juan? - Niddle - Niddle? Sí, like doctor Interjection - No Juan, that's injection - It's alright An interjection is a word put into a sentence To express some emotion, such as oh, ah, hush We will now construct a sentence starting with a noun Ranjeet, could you give me a noun please Idiot Idiot? Surely you could have said something else I could have said Muslim Don't you be insulting me That'll do Ranjeet, you're here to learn English! Kindly keep your personal prejudices to yourself - A thousand apologies - Give me a noun please - A waiter - A waiter, good Now Max, an adjective Come along! Ranjeet gave us a noun, waiter, describe him - Old, tall, short, thin - how do I know? I never met him Max, we're not talking about an actual waiter He's part time waiter We're trying to construct a sentence Ranjeet gave us a noun waiter I want you to give me an adjective that describes him - Hockay, an old waiter - Old waiter - With a moustache - Just old will do Hockay We'll put a definite article in The old waiter Now we need a verb! Something he was doing - Danielle - Making love Can't you think of something better he could have been doing? There is nothing better than making love Something more appropriate to a waiter in a restaurant Bon alors! He served He served, good! The old waiter served Now we need an adverb - Taro - Ah so An adverb please modifying the verb served - Carefully - Good Served carefully! Now can anyone add anything to that? The old waiter carefully served fish and chips - Two more nouns and a conjunction - Ockay The old waiter carefully served two more nouns and a conjunction You were right first time Giovanni - Mister Brown - Yes Sid, what is it? There's a geezer out here looking for Miss Courtney What's that got to do with me? I can't find her! Can you have a word with him? Oh very well I want you to complete the sentence using an interjection, a preposition and a pronoun I'll be back in a minute This is him Are you Miss Coutney? Do I look like Miss Courtney? - I asked to see Miss Courtney - Who are you? My name is F fofbes F fortescue - Pardon? - F forbes F fortescue J jeremy B brown - I'm an ATC - I'm a BA Oxen - My card - You are an Assistant Town Clerk - Quite so - I see - Miss Courtney - Mr.
Brown Is this another one of your foreign students? He's an ATC I don't care what nationality he is! It's time you were in the classroom Madame, my name is F forbes F fortescue - He's hyphenated - How unfortunate I'm here from the Town Hall! We've had some news from the Palace - Victoria or Crystal? - Buckingham I'm here in connection with the Royal visit to the borough next week As the Duke himself laid the foundation stone of this building It has been suggested that their Royal Highnesses pay a brief visit to your school The Queen, and Prince Philip are coming here? - Next Tuesday - Did you hear that Mr.
Brown? They're coming here, the two of them together, in person! Him and her Calm down Miss Courtney - Don't over-excite yourself - Who's getting overexcited? I'm perfectly calm about the whole thing I've seen some strange things on toilet doors Boys and girls, lads and lasses, pointers and setters But I've never seen Dukes and Queens - It's not for them to use - What is it for then? It's Miss Courtney's idea She didn't wanna offend the Royal family by letting them see toilet doors So I've done the best thing I've disguised them - Very diplomatic - No, just a waste of time Mr.
Brown They must have loos in Buckingham Palace Absolutely! Is the old battleaxe in yet? The old battleaxe is here I wasn't meaning you Miss Courtney - I trust you were not referring to her Majesty - Oh no I was referring to Gladys, the tea lady - Here - What's this for? Well it's not for sticking in your buttonhole! It's to wave at the Royal Couple - Are you going to change? - Into what? You surely don't intend to greet out distinguished guests in that jacket Haven't you anything a little more formal? I've got a black tie I wear for funerals Here - That's better - I feel as if I'm going to a cup final Sidney, go and sweep the schoolyard - I've swept it once - Well sweep it again You wouldn't want me to go down on my hands and knees and scrub it, would you? Don't be ridiculous! It wouldn't dry before they arrived I think I'll go and polish the silver What silver? I brought my silver tea set in case they wanted a drink Perhaps the Duke prefer a trot of rum, being an ex-naval man I never thought of that He'll have to make do with sherry Shall I ask Gladys to make up a few ham rolls In case they're a bit peckish Ham rolls? You can't give royalty Ham rolls This is a very special occasion! Tell her to open a tin of salmon - They won't want anything to eat - Better to be prepared I wonder if we should have got a red carpet Why don't you go the whole hog And ask the music class to play the National Anthem as they enter! This is supposed to be an informal visit I don't think you're approaching this special occasion with the proper attitude - And I think you're being carried away - Nonsense This is an opportunity for all the staff and students To show their loyalty and devotion to our sovereign It's up to the entire school to make a good impression One never knows where it may lead The New Year's Honours list isn't far away - Honour's list? - Yes - A knighthood could be within your grasp - A knighthood Mr.
Jeremy Brown Arise Sir Jeremy - Mr.
Brown - Yes your Majesty? - I beg your pardon - Sorry, I thought you were the Queen - Have you been drinking? - No, just day dreaming Well you'd better wake up They are due to arrive in half an hour - Now where are your students? - In the cloakroom changing - Changing? - Yes I insisted on wearing the natural costumes Gladys! Gladlys, are you there? What? Blood and thunder! It's Rule Brittania - Don't you like it? - What? - Don't you like it? - Very patriotic I don't know whether to salute you or run you up a flagpole - I've got a surprise for you - Yeah - Look - Oh my God That should surprise the Duke Surprise him! It'll paralyse him You're supposed to courtesy not flash him your underwear Any of my students Good heavens Don't say anything otherwise she'll show you her knickers They will come up here , won't they? - Yes, I expect so Gladys - I do hope so I think Prince Philips's lovely and I've always been fond of sailors Don't forget, he belongs to the Queen Have you seen any of my students? They're still changing - Go and tell them to hurry up Sid - All right I'd better get tidied up too! The duke might want to inspect my utensils Ready for your inspection Sir Carry on Sid Miss China Is that your National Costume? This is uniform of People's army of Ribelation as plesclibed by Chairman Mao You dont rike it? I feel it lacks a certain finish A belt of ammunition and a couple of hand grenades Miss India Very nice Jamila It is Jamila, isn't it? Miss Germany - What you think? - Very teutonic Miss Sweden - Beautiful yes? - Beautiful very - And the clothes too? - I was referring to the clothes Miss France What do you think? - Tre belle - Merci cheri Miss Greece - Don't take the mickey - Sorry! Mr.
Greece - Are you comfortable in that Max? - It's a bit cold boss Mr.
Pakistani God Bless Queen Elizabeth not forgetting the Duke of Edinberg - The Duke of Edingburgh - Him also Italy Are you representing Italy or the Mafia? I represent Sicily! Mr.
Punjab - Most endearing Ranjeet - Thank you very much Mr.
Hungary - Very good Zoltan - Thank you Mr.
Japan - Nankipoo I presume - Ah so And last but not least Mr.
Spain - Professori, there still nobody coming - Any minute now Come on in your places everyone Where's Zoltan? - He's gone to try and find the toilet - That may take him a while I'd like to stress that this visit is informal So her majesty may not necessarily come into this classroom You mustn't be too disappointed if she doesn't But if she does, I want you all to behave just as if she weren't here, understand? In view of the occasion, it would seem appropriate To tell you a little of the history of our British Kings and Queens It all started with the Norman Conquests I have seen that on the television! Very funny English play I'm referring to the actual invasion of England by William of Normandy - It was 1066 - Wrong I beg your pardon 1066 Maybe 1056 - It was 1066 - No, cannot be 1066 Sixty minutes in one hour 1066 is six minutes past eleven - 1066 was the year - It's all right William of Normandy, by the way does anybody know What other name he was known by? William the - Concurer - Conqueror Hokay He was succeeded by his third son William Rufus the Red King Oh blimey, you are having a Communist King No, he was called the Red King because of his red hair Jolly good William Rufus died in 1100 after being struck by an arrow in the woods Maybe it was Robin the Hood Robin the hood Robin Hood wasn't born then! He was in the Middle ages How can he be middle ages if he is not yet being born? Never mind about Robin Hood, alright? Oh yes, very colourful Sorry to interrupt Mr.
Brown but they will here in any moment now And I thought it would be rather nice if one of your students present this to her Majesty I'll do that It is usual for the bouquet to be presented by a lady With that skirt, who's gonna know the difference? Come outside and I'll show you Sit down, who do you suggest Miss Courtney? How about Jamila? Jamila darling, would you come here? Anf for goodness sake girl, get rid of that knitting Now Jamila! I want you to wait with me in the hall until her Majesties arrive And then you can present this to the queen You courtesy first and then you give it to her Now let's try it I'm the Queen You are Miss Courtney No, no, no, Jamila! Come on, she's just pretending I am understand Here you are Queenie! You don't speak until you're spoken to and then you address her as Ma'am! Now let's try again Ah, there you are Superintendant, how soon the Royal Couple are here? - They are not coming - What? We've had to rearrange the schedule They're going straight from the hospital to the Town Hall We're cutting out their visit to the school - I'd better tell Miss Courtney! - There is no time! You must come with me now! You men, follow me - Excuse me - Please My name is Mrs Baxter My name is Mrs Baxter And my Husband has just joined your woodwork class Do you think I could have a word with him - Please Sid - No you can't Blimey, it's Her! Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Don't go away Miss Courtney, Mister Brown! She's here, she's arrived, she's outside She can't be She must have come in by the back entrance But don't leave her standing outside Sidney! Show her in So pleased to meet you Ma'am! Where is your husband? He's in the woodwork class I do hope we shall meet him later on This is Mr.
Brown our English teacher - How do you do? - Ma'am Jamila How kind! In this class, we are endeavoring to teach English to foreign students - Excuse me Miss Courtney - Don't interrupt Mr.
Brown - I think you should know - Mr.
Brown Alright, please yourself - Would you care for a cup of tea? - If it isn't too much trouble No trouble at all You must come round and have a cup of tea with my husband and I sometime.