Mind Your Language (1977) s02e04 Episode Script

Many Happy Returns

1 There you are love Thank you Sugars on the table Give us a cup of tea, Glad One of these days Sid, you'll actually buy one And I'll drop dead of shock - Buy one? - Yes Free tea is one of the perks what goes with the job There 'Ow are you fixed for a quick touch? - I beg your pardon? - I mean money I'm a bit glacier mint You're always skink Sid! I'm sorry! No - Hello lads - Hello Sid How are you, my old Japan? - Japan? - My old Japan Your rhyming slang meaning friend Not Japan! China, china plate - mate Jelly good - I don't suppose any of you could - No Sid - It's only till pay day - No understand - Sorry please - It's alright Gladys, give us that pack of cards from under the counter I'll get some money somehow What are you going to do? A little game of find the lady Nobody might want to play They'll be enough to play when I give them the old come on Come on what? - You know I've got a quid till pay day - Yeah If I get somebody to win that, it can't stop! It never fails Now all I've got to do now is find a mug - Coffee please - Hello mug Max - Max, would you - No Sid No, no! I'm not trying to tap you - I thought you might fancy a game of cards - I don't like to gamble Don't be silly! It's just a bit of fun! Come and sit down! Enjoy yourself This is called Find the Lady! The lady is a queen! Now there's a queen and there's the other 2 cards What I do is I shuffle them about And the object is to see if my eyes could deceive your eyes The quickness of my hands deceive your eyes - Where is it? - There Oh you're right! Very good! You have good sharp eyes, haven't you? Sure I have You would have another go! Yes? - Where is it? - This one Twice on the turn! You are very very good, aren't you? - Pretty smart, eh? - No one's ever beaten me twice I'll tell you what! If we had any money, you'd have one two quids now - Two quids? - Yeah - Do you want to try again? - Hockay - Only this time, I bet a pound - I thought you said you don't play My father he teach me two rules of gambling First rule, always bet on a certainty - You want this pound? - Yes, there's nothing wrong with that Why not? Now there's the queen! There's the cards! - Where is it? - This is the lady Three times on the trot! That's fantastic! I like this game Sid - Do you like it? - Yes - Good! Double or Quits? - Quits What? - I dont want to play anymore - But you can't do that The second rule my father tell me! Always quits when you're winning Good evening please Ah Ranjeet! You're late! I thought you weren't coming! You missed first half of the session A thousand apologies but I am falling asleep on the underground tube I am going right past my getting off stop - And not waking up until Cockiefosters - Cockiefosters? - Perhaps you're working too hard - I am working three times too hard What do you mean? Well my proper job is working on the underground railway tube And I'm working the early morning shaft - I think you mean shift - That is correct I am working from six o'clock morning time until two o'clock afternoon time Then I'm doing other job for garage Pumping the petrol until six o'clock evening time Even allowing for the time you spend here You could still have eight hours sleep Oh no, when I am leaving here, I am working in public house until after the midnight I think you're overdoing it Ranjeet All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy This Jack, is he having three jobs also? It's just a saying! Why are you working so hard? I'm saving up for the airplane - You want to buy an airplane? - No, no Just a ticket, to Punjab You're not leaving us, are you? Only for one weekend My mother is being sixty years old this week So I am giving her the big surprise of myself I am now having the money for the airplane ticket Two hundred and thirty English pounds That's a lot of money to carry about Ranjeet You could get mugged on your way home You are speaking absolute wisdom - Here, you keep for me - Me? Most definitely, then if I am being mugged The mugger man will not find money - It's too big a responsibility - Please You keep for me until tomorrow - Then I buy ticket - Very well Thousand thank you Right! Come along everyone! We have a lot of work to do Quickly now! Go on Right! Now, for the rest of this evening, we're going to have a debate Can anyone tell me what the word debate means And I don't want to hear anybody say debate is what you put on the fishing line Can anybody tell me what a debate is? Come along! Su Lee, what is parliament noted for? Collupt poriticians making unjust raws to oppless working crasses Agreed! We call that debating Quite simply it means to discuss or dispute a given subject That is what we are going to do Do you understand what we are talking about Zoltan? We're going to have a debate, an argument - Fight? - No, no Not with fists, with mouth - Kiss - No, with words Just do your best to follow us Now the first thing we need to do is find somebody to chair the debate - I'm good at that - Have you done it before? Sure, every Saturday, I go to chair my football team I'm talking about chair, not cheer - Scusi - Right I shall be the Chairman - Now what subject shall we debate? - Girls Girls is not a subject Subjects for debates are in the form of questions For example, should men and women have equal pay for equal work? Should capital punishment be brought back? Should Enoch Powell be deported? Thats the general idea For our debate, I think we'll take the subject of Television Is Television a good or bad influence on the community? Now we need two proposers and two opposers In other words, two to speak for good and two for bad - How about you Juan? - Por favor - Good or bad? - Sometimes I'm good Sometimes I'm bad Not talking about you personally Juan! Do you think television is good? Sometimes good, sometimes bad Make your mind up Juan In a debate, you can't sit on the fence Not sitting on fence! Sitting on chair Look forget I asked you - What you ask me? - Forget it How can I forget if I don't remember - Never mind - Alright - Taro you can be the 1st proposer - Ah so Now we need a lady, Jamila! You can be the 2nd proposer Now two opposers - Ali, How about you? - Yes please And Danielle - Am I good or bad? - Bad I like being bad! Because when I am bad, I'm very good Just remember, we're talking about television Now, pay attention everyone Taro will speak first with the proposition that television is good for the community - Go ahead Taro - Ah so Television is very goodo for everyone More people watcho, more people buyo And Japan make besto television Japan make besto everything - Cars, cameras, radios - Thank you Taro Remember you're speaking about television not doing a commercial for Japan Ah so Television is goodo for teaching I learn many English words from televisiono Like 'what a gay day' And 'Don't forgeto fruito gums mum' Thank you Taro Danielle, would you please present your case against television Oui I think television is very bad Because it makes people stay up at night Instead of going to bed to make love Not everybody wants to go to bed to make love That's right! Sometimes, it's much better to make love outside In Sweden, we make love everywhere I think we're getting You do that? Getting off the subject! Now, come along! Make love much better proposition than television Stick to the point please Danielle I think television is very bad for the eyes Yes and also bad for the legs - Legs? - Sí My brother Miguel, he had bad legs from his television Juan, how can your brother have bad legs from his television? He dropped it on his foot I shouldn't have asked Carry on Danielle I cannot think of anymore to say after this Jamila, would you like to present your case for the good of television? I like very much television The television makes people happy with many good programs Like Carnation Street - Coronation Street - Yes Last week, I am watching This Week How can you be watching this week last week? This Week is the name of a programme, Ranjeet A thousand apologies And also, television is for free - You have to buy the licence - What licence? - Haven't you got a television licence? - No, no need licence - I'm sorry Jamila but you do - No Look Jamila, it's an offence not to have a license If the detector van comes round you could be heavily fined - No - Don't argue Jamila! It's the law - Not for me - Why not for you? No have television set Watch next door! They have licence Thank you Jamila - Ali, your turn - Jolly good I am thinking television is very bad Because it is showing too much of the violence - A good point - Thank you Last night, I am seeing somebody being drowned, then shot And then having their heads chopped off What was that? The Professionals or Starsky and Hutch? Tom and Jerry Excuse Mr.
Brown, can you spare me a moment? Just a minute Miss Courtney We're running in the middle of an interesting debate - Could you wait just a minute please? - Certainly not - Very well! Giovanni, out here - Certainly sir - Would you take the chair? - Sure - No I mean will you chair the debate - Scusi Let Ali finish, then throw it open! Give everybody a say then take a vote If I'm still not back by then, you can dismiss the class and go home Hokey Okay, you heard what Professori said Ali's to finish We have a talk, we have a vote - Then we go home, ok? - Alright - You finished Ali? - No I haven't - I was - You finished Anybody wanna talk? Ok, we take a vote Everybody thinks Tv's okay, put up hands Everybody who think Tv's not ok, put up the hands We call it a draw! Class dismissed Going somewhere? Would you care for a drink Miss Courtney? No thank you Mr.
Brown I want to get to the Post Office to catch the last post I wonder if you'd post a letter for me - Yeah certainly - Good This is the one - Good night Mr.
Brown - Good night - Another day done, Sid - Worse luck - I'm always glad to get home - You wouldn't be if you lived with my missus - Oh hello - What's the matter? Here! It's full of bees and honey - I wonder whose it is - I know whose it is now Don't you think you ought to take it into the police station? Don't be ridiculous! It's finders keepers! Enter! Mr.
Brown - Hush - Don't you shush me Miss Courtney, I'm in terrible trouble You certainly are! You're ten minutes late! Worse than that! I lost 230 pounds that Ranjeet gave me to look after - How on earth did you manage to do that? - I have no idea It must have fallen out of my pocket! I've looked everywhere I went to the police to ask if anyone had handed it in They just laughed - What am I gonna tell Ranjeet? - The truth Mr.
Brown You'd better do it in private You can use my office! I'll send him to you I suppose the direct approach would be best Ranjeet, I've lost your money No, that's too harsh! I should soften the blow a bit Ranjeet, come in Have a seat! Would you like a cup of tea? Ranjeet, I have something to tell you - Are you sitting comfortably? - No, I'm standing up Ah Ranjeet, come here and sit down Have a cup of tea - There isn't any tea - I'll go and get you a cup Miss Courtney said you have something to tell me Yes Ranjeet, I am human, you are human And human beings are fallible! I am fallible, you are fallible Oh no, I am Punjabi What I am trying to say Ranjeet is I've lost your money Did you hear me? The money you saved to go and visit your mother! I've lost it Ranjeet I'm sorry Ranjeet - Good evening - Hello Sid You look as if you've lost a hundred quid and found ten p.
There's many a true word spoken in jest Come on! Cheer up - Have a cigar - No thanks - Things can't be that bad - They're worse Look at me! Yesterday I hadn't got change for 1/2 p Today, I could lose a tenner and not notice You couldn't lend me two hundred and thirty pounds, could you? No chance That's all there was in the envelope - What envelope? - The envelope I found outside the school - You thief - What are you talking about? That was Ranjeet's money! - You still got it? - Yeah Why didn't you hand it in? - Wait, what are you doing? - Ranjeet, we found your money Praise to the Holy Guru I will be able to be visiting my mother Oh, she'd be so happy to be seeing me There's only one hundred and thirty pounds in here That's right - Where's the other hundred? - Here - What is this? - A betting slip I put in on Rainbows end on the 6:15 in the night race at Windsor 6:15! We can still make it lads! Come on everybody quickly! Quickly Mr.
Brown, what is going on? We're just taking an early tea break in the betting shop 6:15 at Windsor The horses are lining up for the start and they're off Come on Rainbows End And right away it's Ernies Boy in the lead Followed by Debs Delight, Golden Wonder and Skylark Then come Royal Peacock and Slimline Where is Rainbows End? And bringing up the rear is Rainbows End And that's the order at the bend With Debs Delight closing a little and Skylark now overtaking Golden Wonder Royal Peacock is dropping back And who's this coming through on the inside - Rainbows End? - Slimline And as they come into the straight It's still Ernie's Boy, Debs Delight and Skylark And here's Rainbows End making a run on the outside Come on Rainbows End And with four furlongs to go its Ernies Boy Debs Delight and Rainbows End now in third place Ernies Boy is pulling away slightly But Rainbows End has overtaken Debs Delight and is challenging strongly Two furlongs to go and Rainbows Ends is gaining on Ernies Boy They're neck and neck as they come to the post And at the finish it's Rainbows End by a nose How much are you winning? At five to two, that's two hundred and fifty quid Hundred for you and the rest for me Come on! Let's go draw it One moment, there's a stewards inquiry The red flags gone up Oh blimey, it's a Russian horse Rainbows End's been disqualified for bumping and has lost We are losing and I won't be able to visit my mother Poor Ranjeet He was so much looking forward to seeing his mother He will see his mother But he was going to be catching plane on Saturday How can he be getting one Hundred pounds before then? We'll get it for him Even if we have to beg, borrow or steal it Yes, yes! Excuse please Thank you You want photograph! Very cheapo Three for one poundo You buy pretty violets for your pretty wife - You want pretty violets for your pretty wife? - No, thanks duckie Get your salami sandwiches here All made with French bread Shoeshiner! Shoe shine! Twenty p's Come on! Shoeshiner Come on young man! Have your fortune told! Madame Jamila will tell your fortune Have your fortune told by Madame Jamila Please do cross my palms with fifty p.
Come on now! Where's the lady? That's not the lady, i'm telling you! That's the lady here I'll do one more for you to show you can be wrong You can't be wrong all the time - Giant balloons, 25 p each - 25 p.
On balloon There's one for you Mr.
Brown, please hold! Please hold - Good evening Miss Courtney - Good evening Mr.
Brown I hear you managed to raise the money for Mr.
Singhs fare Yes, he'll be at the airport now How is he going by plane or balloon? - You heard about that! - Yes If there haven't been someone on the roof to catch my legs Heaven knows where I'd be now Where you usually are Mr.
Brown, with your head in the clouds - Good evening class - Good evening Mr.
Brown Firstly, may I say thank you for all your efforts yesterday To help me raise the fare for Ranjeet No, no! It was a remarkable effort I wish I could say that for your homework - I'm not happy with your answers - We are also not happy with the questions I got an idea You're not happy, we're not happy So if you not give us homework, we both be happy Silence Look, in the future, you will be given extra homework And I hope to see some improvement Some of you are simply not trying For example, Max The opposite of anti-meridian is not uncle-meridian but post-meridian What you're laughing about Giovanni Your answer to the question write a sentence using a metaphor was unbelievable But I did write a sentence using a metaphor Yes, last night I found my girlfriend in a metaphoradream - Ali - Yes please For your information, a polygon is a term used to describe figures with angles and sides and has nothing to do with the disappearing parrot Mr.
Brown, Miss would like to have a word with you Ah, new pupil Would you like to sit over there? No sit! Look for Ranjeet Well I'm afraid he's not here! He's gone this weekend to visit his mother As a surprise for her birthday That is terrible - Why, what's the matter? - I am his mother I came over for my birthday to surprise Ranjeet You're his mother?