Mind Your Language (1977) s03e01 Episode Script

I Belong to Glasgow

Oh, Sid What is that? It is a bird Come on, I would see an elephant.
Don't be stupid Sid you see an elephant in a cage.
I think he makes the joke.
What sort of bird is it anyway? A cocofree.
Beg your pardon.
A cocofree.
Cocotree? Hey, you are coco two man He is a cokelyto.
Cokely to? Oh you mean it is a parrot.
That is right yea Oh what you gonna call this parrot then? As the original? Ah Gladys, that is you how we want to see.
Ah what events you are after, forget it.
No no, look, we just bought a bird, and we wanna leave it with you.
And you wanna cook it? Cook it? It is a new pet.
I have the right to know, people leave anything these days.
You just want you to look after it until we finish class, ok? Yes alright, put it on the counter.
Enter.
Thank you, lady ship.
Good evening, Sidney.
Hello, Mr.
Brown.
How was the weekend? Lousy.
Got the mother in law to the movies.
Oh, and how is the old mother in law? She is never forgive me for marring her daughter, not ever forgive.
For that letting these.
That is not right, you know the only one thing stop me of putting her in the gas oven? - What was that? - She can't go in.
Oh Sid, don't be upset, remember when you feel thing can't be worse they can only get better.
Is that true, I buy a bottle sometimes.
Ah, good evening Danielle.
Ah bonsoir, Mr.
Brown.
You are just the man I am wanting Me? Yes, can you help me? I will do my best.
I have the big problems.
Yea I am afraid I can't do much about those Not that problem.
Oh sorry.
My life is a mess up.
Is she? I mean is it? What sort of mess up? I tell you, last month I met this boy.
Ah, an affair of the heart This boy Pierre he keeps writing to me.
Is he a foreigner? - No he is French.
- I mean to me he is.
Never mind, go.
- Henry has found the letters.
- Oh, a lot of mess.
- I don't like jealouse man.
- Pierre? Oh Henry? Marcel, he works with Henri at the consulate.
I am sorry I am a bit confused, who is Marcel's jealouse of, Pierre or Henry? Emile.
I don't understand.
That is another thing, he keeps telephoning me.
Who? Pierre, Henry, Marcel or Emile? Jean Paul.
I am very safety in numbers but this is ridiculous.
They are all after one thing, my body.
- That is all they are after.
- Yeah.
Why don't you try to discourage them.
Oh no, I like it.
I see Pierre Monday, Henry Tuesday, Marcel Wednesdays, Emile Thursdays, And Jean Paul on Fridays, that is my problem.
What is? My Saturdays and Sundays are so dull.
Good evening, Anna.
Are you busy? No, just finished.
Good, I have a grosso problem.
Oh no not another one.
Who is it Hans, Karl, Vlhim or Adolph? No, it is my homework.
Oh, sorry.
Your question is asking what is the correct address for members of parliament.
Yes.
I don't know any member of the parliament.
The question means how do you address them what you call them indeed.
Ah I don't know that either Right, on your own book.
Good, you want me to write on the black board.
I didn't mean WRITE, but RIGHT.
Help me, please! Open that door, you funny chicken! Ali, what is going on? It is Rangi.
What is the matter with him? Oh blame me, he has got oranges.
Yes please.
- You mean bananas! - If you not open this door I'll break it down! Ali, unlock the door.
O no, I am not unlocking the door.
- If you don't unlock it I will I am.
- I've warned you, now I am coming in.
What is the mean of this? The meaning is some dumb fool, he is opening the door, when just as I am targeting it Mr.
Brown opened the door! Thousand apologizes.
Come on here, Ali.
What is all this about? That bothering is calling me a hairy goat.
Is this true, Ali? Yes, please.
But his infidel is calling me the son of a crosseyed camel.
No, I am calling you an illegitimate son of a crosseyed camel.
- That is not good enough.
- You are meaning to call him something worse.
I don't want anybody calling anybody, anything.
Whatever your differences are, you leave them outside of the classroom.
Now sit down, the two of you.
Ah Taro.
Did you have a good weekend? Ah I spend a weekend reading book by Charles Dickens.
Ah, which book are you readingo? Which book are you reading? Oliver Twister.
Do you understand most of the words? I understando all wordso.
Are you reading in old English? No old English words in my booko.
Ah, it must be a revised edition.
No no, Japanese edition.
It was too good to be true.
Good evening Mr.
Brown.
Still knitting knot way? Oh no, I am finished cardigan.
What I meant, is you misunderstood what was saying.
And you are be misunderstood what I am be knit.
Let us forget the whole thing.
Good evening.
Not good for me.
What is the matter? I have lost my little red book.
Oh good, I mean bad luck.
I looked everywhere, but I am not finding it.
Does this mean you won't be treating as the twenty honorable Chairman quotations? Oh no, I know quotations by heart, Chairman Mao, he said: In every thought On no! - Ciao, everybody.
- You are late.
- Sorry boss, we had things to do.
- That's right, we just got a fantastic bird.
Really? Is this bird has a name? Sure, Polly.
Umm, if you check the word, as Polly is not a bird.
Okey-cokey.
She is going to be a very good company for us at night.
Us, what you mean us? Oh we are going to share her.
One night she is with me, another night is with Max.
I don't like to hear anymore.
Why, you don't like birds? Well, let's say I don't like sharing it.
Hey, I fix something for you, you give a fiver you go and get you a bird.
Sure! What color you want? What color is yours? - Mostly red with the blue neck, - And green legs.
Ah, the penny is dropped.
Where? Polly is a parrot.
Well sir, what do you thing she is, an elephant? Sit down.
What about the penny? Juan, you are late.
Never mind "por favor".
You should have been here five minutes ago.
Why? what happened? Quiet, quiet! ¡Silencio! - Thank you.
- S'alright.
Why are you late? I tell you, my boss where I work, he tell me about the horse who is going to win the big race tomorrow, very clever horse, talking.
Juan, horses don't talk.
Sí, señor, he told me he get the tips straight from the horse's mouth.
That is a racing term.
S'alright, then he tell me to bit on my shirt on the horse - You didn't? - No.
Oh thank goodness for that.
My shirt wouldn't fit the horse.
Silence! - I bit ten pounds to win on the horse.
- Juan, ten pounds is a lot of money.
You could lose.
No lose, tomorrow I will be plenty rich: "Muchas pesetas".
There is no things of certainty.
Sí señor, my horse should win.
How do you know? I tell you, Big race starts at two o'clock, s'alright? Bookmaker, he told me, my horse starts at 10 to one.
All this is nuts, your horse will start at 2 o'clock just as all the race.
He tried to cheat me? I go to punch his face! Juan sit down, it' time for all to start work.
I will just take the absentees to Miss Courtney, then I'll have a look to your homework.
Enter.
Oh, Miss Courtney, there are two absentees tonight.
Ingrid and Zoltan.
I've listened about your Hungarian student.
- Is he sick? - No.
He's going back to Hungary.
Enter.
Excuse me, Miss Courtney? Yes, what do you want? I am Sheikh el Hamed, and I am interested in your English classes.
Oh I wonder why are you saying so, your English is very good.
Thank you, it is comforting to know that my years at Oxford were not wasted.
I would like my chauffer to join to your class.
I am afraid that it is quiet impossible.
It is mid term and students are not permitted to start half way through a course.
- Rules are rules.
- I am sure you could make an exception for a little donation of a two thousand pounds? This is adulation to us.
This is an educational establishment, you can't expect us to band the rules just because you dropped two grand on the table, tell him Miss Courtney.
Well of course he can.
Where is chauffeur now? Outside.
Will you come in now? But he is white.
People usually are from Glasgow.
He is Scott's! - But of course.
- Why do you want us to teach him English? Because I can't understand a word of what he says.
Right, Jack? I know enough, I don't why you don't understand.
You understand, don't you? Hello, can I help you? I think the whole idea is ridiculous.
I am suppose to teach English for foreign students.
He sounds like a foreign student.
Would not be far simpler for you to get another chauffer? No, I could not do that.
You see, Jack's father gave his life defending my father during the war.
I feel I owe him my living.
Well in that case why don't make him very happy and give him a job in your home or something? Don't be stupid, Mr.
Brown.
I wonder if you mind waiting outside for a moment, until Mr.
Brown and I discuss this matter privately.
Not at all.
The door, Mr.
Brown.
Now listen to me Mr.
Brown.
You are a teacher of English and it is your job to teach English no matter the nationality your students have to be.
Well I can't-- Do not interrupt! Now remember that the Arabs are extremely wealthy.
Who knows what are the benefits they maybe spend upon us.
Yesterday I was reading in the newspaper about an Arab who was so pleased with the service of his hotel that he presented to the manager a Rolls Royce.
We are running a hotel, Miss Courtney, money isn't important nor is the Rolls Royce? Yes.
I suppose I can give a try.
Good.
Look upon it as a challenge.
I will do my best.
I wonder if you can join me for a cup of tea in the office.
And then later on I will show you around the school.
How very kind of you.
I am glad you hang up, I will try to teach you to speak English.
I am not exactly jumping for joying myself.
Tower of Babel, don't you have better to do then shouting to each other? Sure! Hey we go for a cup of tea.
That is a good idea.
I don't mean such things, sit down, be quiet and pay attention.
Right.
Better to sit there next to Anna.
What is your name? Well put down this joke.
Well as you can see we have new student.
Oh blame me! What language is he speaking? Believe it or not it is English.
If that is English, what language is that we are learning? Mr.
McGregor is speaking in dialect.
I thought you said he was speaking English.
- Well, English with a dialect.
- Hey, I know all about them dialects.
You do? Sure I have seen him on TV, Dr.
Who and the dialects.
No, that's Dalects.
A dialect is a formal speech particular to certain areas.
Tell them where you are from What is jock? - Master please, I know what is jock.
- Good, would you mind to tell us all? - A jock is the funny story.
- Jamilah that's a joke.
Mr.
McGregor is from Scotland which is a part from Great Britain.
Great Britain is comprised of England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales.
No.
- What do you mean no? - Not whales in England.
Whales in the sea.
I am talking about Wales the country! I am not quit sure what to do with you for the moment.
You are not going anywhere.
Sit down, and as start concentrate at your dictionary.
First you have to repeat after me: The fat black cat sat on the mat.
No no, let's take it separate.
The Fat Not faa! Fat! Black Cat Sat On the The mat Good, now try the whole thing.
You have to sit down and listen while I am going finish the rest of the lesson What are you doing? Certainly not! I don't like drinking in the classroom.
No drinking and no smoking.
As I said I hope you recall, I asked each to write a preface on the your various believes.
I hope it is done.
Su-Lee, would you like to read it at high voice? What I believe.
First I am not believe in religion.
Excuse me, the subject is what you believe not what you don't believe.
Firstly it is necessary to make a break on what interact in your thoughts and stand.
While building house it is necessary to make firm foundations.
Excuse me please.
I am not understanding something.
I'm not understanding a word what she's talking talking about.
Sure Ali, Su-Lee does well attempt to dialect the verbs.
Oh blame me, now I am not understanding what you are saying.
Point taken, now sit down, Ali thank you.
Go ahead, and this time stick right to the point.
I believe every one is equal.
I believe in Chairman Mao.
I believe in the dictation of proletarian and suppression of capitalist.
Oh rubbish! Rubbish? Western work corrupt and evil! Don't you dare, it is the destination! Stop and keep your remarks to yourself.
Excuse please! Not polite to insult lady, please apologize to her.
Put up your fist up! - Sit down.
- I' must be satisfied.
You will be satisfied after class, sit down.
And as for you I'll be obligue to keep quiet.
Thank you, I will read your essay later.
- Would you like to read us your essay? - S'alright.
What I believe by Juan Cervantes, "para servirle", so far so good, eh? - Yes come on get on with.
- S'alright.
I believe in one God, and I believe in Jesus Christ Jesus Christ, was the first roman catholic - He was Jewish! - Por favor? He is trying to make a point about Christ was Jewish.
- He was a Jewish! - I punch in your head! - Ok, who is first? - Sit down.
I am furious! Sit down.
Any more interruption from you, out you go! - I go on, s'alright? - No, Juan your believe is as controversial as Su-Lee's.
Doesn't matter, sit down.
- We will try you, Ranjeet - I am believing that all men are being born equal I have warned you! What is he telling me? He is calling you jolly jeopardy.
I will give you a banjo final! You can all go to the tea place.
As for you, you can just go.
- Just go.
- Where is everybody going? - Tea place.
- Well do it quietly.
Ah Miss Courtney, I am sorry I am afraid I can't do it.
- Can't do what? - Teach the Scottish.
He is a disrupting influence in the class.
Mr.
Brown I am afraid that you must.
I have invited the sheikh to be at the board of governance.
He has promised to give us a new school board.
Forgive me, I could help over hearing.
Is this some sort of problem? - No.
- Yes! He is rude, abrupt and extremely unpleasant! - And you can keep your own voice.
- You are an extraordinary man You better wait in the car.
That is the pity.
I was looking forward to meet your board governors.
And so you should.
But now the circumstances have changed It doesn't make a change, the objective of the exercise remains the same.
Now forgive me if I am wrong, but as far as I am understand it you wish to be able to converse with your Scottish chauffeur.
Yes, but I can't see how that can be achieved now.
Every problem has its solution.
- And that is? - He does as I tell him or he gets for sock.
Come one everybody, sit down quickly.
I'll should be taking you for the rest of the lesson.
What happened to Mr.
Brown? Mr.
Brown is in my office doing some private tutions.