Minder (1979) s01e03 Episode Script

The Smaller They Are...

I could be so good for you
Love you like you want me to
I could be so good for you
Love you like you want me to
Excuse me, can I get through,
please? Sorry.
Don't get many of those to the pound,
do you?
- Be good when she grows up.
- Oh!
Oi! Young enough to be your daughter.
Well, what's wrong with that?
It's what keeps me young.
I thought it was Phylosan
and Grecian 2000!
You can be very hurtful sometimes,
Little doll!
See, that's what Her Indoors
don't understand.
Young bird like that around
keeps you feeling young.
I mean, look at that Picasso. He
always had a few young birds about.
Kept him going till he was 90-odd.
Paintings weren't all that.
Hello, Stan.
- All right?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Terry.
- Stan.
Couldn't do us a favour, could you?
How much is it gonna cost me?
Don't get me wrong.
Do you think you could
change it for me?
Oh, you and Scotch Harry had
a bit of a tickle?
Oh, no. Just a bit of luck.
It's a good 'un.
I'll, er, I'll just see what
the exchange rate is.
Could I have a light ale and all?
Do us a favour, Dave.
Got some of my holiday money
left over. Change that for me.
- Straight, is it?
- Course it's straight!
Think I'd go to the Seychelles
with naughty money.
About two dollars to the pound,
Oh, I don't think
it's as much as that.
No? Well, give us 40 and five, and
you and your good lady have a drink.
Oh, and my usual.
Oh, and light ale.
- You all right?
- Yeah, yeah.
You look a bit worried.
Oh, no, I'm not. Honest.
I thought I'd buy a new cardigan
on Monday.
- There you are, Stan.
- Oh. Ta.
Have I given up?
I thought you were taking it easy,
Oh, yeah, I always come here
Saturday afternoon
and sit with an empty glass, don't I?
Here you are, Stan.
Eight fivers.
- Is that all?
- It's the rate of exchange, innit?
- Varies from day to day.
- Oh, I didn't realise that.
Oh, yes.
Especially on a Saturday afternoon.
Something to do with Switzerland.
- Scotch Harry all right?
- Oh, yeah. He's terrific.
You got any more of those
lurking about?
Hundred-dollar bills?
Well to tell you the truth
Yeah, yeah, I like that, Stan.
- There is a few more.
- Mm?
Just a few, like.
Well, why don't you get Scotch Harry
and we'll do a bit of business?
- He's barred in here.
- Oh, I'll square it with Dave.
- As long as he's with me.
- He won't come out.
Why not?
You could come round?
He wouldn't like it
but if you've got some time
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Never know. Might get a drink.
- It's me, Harry.
- Aye.
- Who've you got with you?
- Arthur and Terry.
What'd you bring them for?
Look, just open up. I'll explain.
Did you get that carry-out?
Er, two bottles of wine,
Drambuie, lemonade,
some cans of lager.
What do yous two want?
Arthur changed the dollars.
So what? We can change them
I don't need these guys.
All right, fair enough. Come on,
it ain't exactly Trader Vic's, is it?
No, no, just a minute, Terry.
I think Harry's got a problem.
Drinking that, I'm not surprised.
Oh, tell them, Harry. Please.
Away you go, you big eedjit!
We're home and dry.
Why did you bolt the door then?
He picked the wrong guy's pocket.
Gave that up.
Oxford Street, full of Arabs.
You ever tried to pick
an Arab's pocket?
All you end up with's
a handful of sheeting.
We was working an air terminal.
All right, I'll tell them.
It's all your fault, anyway.
So we're working the air terminal.
TANNOY: "Flight 626
is departing from Gate Four.
Passengers who have not checked in,
please go to Desk O."
I was looking for a handbag,
a flight bag, a suitcase.
I mean, a fistful of credit cards
and a chequebook'll do us nicely.
I'm clocking this young guy, right?
The luggage looks good.
And then this bird appears,
he puts down the case.
That looks really good.
He's shouting the odds, why is she
late and all that.
Me, I'm in there like
Kenny Dalglish with an open goal.
I'm off!
And they haven't even noticed.
I'm heading for Big Stan, right?
Then Rycott appears.
DC Rycott.
I thought he'd got kicked off
the manor.
I mean, that guy know me better
than my brother!
I mean, I'm a magic runner
but I'm a wee bit out of training.
Fried chicken. Chips.
Chocolate trifle.
I could have had
a four-course dinner
if I hadn't been so knackered.
See, some of their restaurants,
they ought to be nicked.
Big Stan had to take my good suit
to the cleaners.
What's your worry, then?
You got a result, didn't you?
Mm. Maybe aye, maybe no.
Why not?
Well, how come Rycott's not
been round here looking for me?
How come you're still here,
waiting for him?
- I don't know.
- So you nicked a fella's suitcase.
You think Rycott's gonna give up
his Saturday off just for that?
Why not?
You'd give up your Saturday off
for this.
Get up.
How much?
- Couldn't count it all.
- Gave up.
It were half a million.
A lot, innit?
Yes, it is a lot.
Even at Arthur's rate of exchange.
- Nothing on the news?
- No.
No Old Bill?
Here, what're you doing!
Ooh, bit of a thief. Couldn't resist
nicking the hotel notepaper.
Fauntleroy. Smart, comfy.
What nationality was he?
- How the hell should I know?
- What airline's he going on?
That Yankee one.
- Pan Am?
- Twa!
TWA, you twit.
Anyway, what does it matter?
Well, maybe we can find him!
What for?
What for? Cos you're gonna have
to hand it back, int you?
- Are you kidding?
- No, my little Scotch friend, I am not kidding.
He's right, Harry. People get killed
for that sort of dough.
How the hell are they ever
gonna find me?
Who knows? But I'd put a banker bet
on your coupon they're gonna be looking!
You wanna formbook guide, Harry?
You'll have a few more of those
psychedelic cocktails, out on the street,
pubbing it, clubbing it, flashing your wad,
telling everyone
you're a master criminal of the century.
Two days and half London'll know!
I mean, Harry,
you've jumped from the Scottish second
division straight into the European cup.
Aye, and I'm gonnae win it an' all!
Listen to him! He's like the Ally
MacLeod of the bag snatching set.
Listen yous two, I done the
business, OK?
Now you're talking about giving it back?
Not all of it, Harry.
Obviously there'd be
some disbursement involved.
- Eh?
- Commission, expenses.
Mainly for you and Stan.
A bit for me and Terry.
How come yous two
suddenly are in the act?
Cos you're in trouble, old son,
and you're gonna need looking after.
- He's right enough, Harry.
- Shut your face, you!
You want helping?
You don't want helping?
Hey, what're you doing?
You stay here.
I'll be back in a bit.
Hold on! Oi! Wait just a minute!
Listen, what are you talking about,
stay here!
What happens if he gets a pull?
I'm sitting there with
a bagful of dollars.
The Old Bill comes in,
what am I gonna say, eh?
'Oh, yeah, I always spend
my Saturdays with Scotch Harry
at one of his little
cocktail parties.'
The law won't come round.
What about the other mug, then?
That sort of dough, they're gonna be
a bit tasty, ain't they?
I'll be back soon.
Oh, you'll be back!
Oh, well, that's all right then.
That's really put my mind at rest (!)
We're earning, Terry. With something
like this, we gotta be earning.
But if
Hey, do you know what I could do
with all that money?
I could get myself an oil rig!
You'd be better off with a
Listen, don't comment, you
Cockney hard case!
What do I need you for?
I mean, you think I can't do
the bizzo myself?
Don't you worry about that, Jimmy.
I can do the bizzo myself!
I've got a Not Guilty for
You probably never did it.
Ah but how're they to know that?
Harry's brand new, and don't you
forget it.
(knock from outside)
What was that?
It's all right, it was the cat flap.
You sure?
Well you'll hear the other lot.
They'll probably come in firing
submachine guns.
Look, if I'd set it up, I wouldn't
have come back here, would I?
Unless you were very brave.
Isn't that so, Eric?
Or incredibly stupid.
- Look, I made a -
- Listen, Brian.
We've had a very efficient system.
In our business,
everybody's accountable.
You to me,
I to certain people in France.
They to certain people in Germany.
We got through England because
English people going abroad
are never searched by their Customs.
We have a very good arrangement
at Munich Airport
with the unloading staff.
Half a million dollars lost.
In my position,
would you believe your story?
The man grabbed the bag
and ran towards -
You are simply a pretty appendage
to Brian.
Your job is to look like
an attractive secretary
going abroad with
your boss or boyfriend.
Please don't interrupt again.
You've drawn attention to yourself.
And in our business,
that's a very serious mistake.
OK. And I'm sorry.
- But I think we've got an ally.
- Who?
This Detective Constable Rycott.
He knows the guy who snatched the bag.
Now he also knows you.
Well, he knows my
name but not my address.
OK, he knows I've got
something to hide.
But if the price is right,
he'll find that bag-snatcher for us.
Did it occur to you that
he might be setting you up?
Of course it did!
But what other chance have we got?
Eric, will you get them
some mineral water, please?
Hey! Give us one of those lagers.
You'd be better off
with a stomach pump.
Ahh! You shut up, you
- Cockney
- All right, don't get cheeky, Harry.
Why not?
I've been hit by a bigger guy
than you.
Big Davy McDougal tried
to bite my nose off once.
Ooh, what happened?
What happened?
I prised his false teeth out.
Very clever.
With my bare hands.
It's me, Harry.
What does he mean,
"It's me, Harry"?
Doesn't even give me a password.
You haven't got a password.
Got some of them kebabs.
I hate kebabs!
I told you
I wanted a chicken supper.
It was all they had.
You never do anything right.
Listen, you!
You don't like kebabs?
You could be eating Kenomeat.
Take it easy.
Take it easy?
Kebab. Well, it wasn't my first
What, with having the ulcer,
and that.
Honest, Harry.
These ones, they're magic.
With any luck,
they'll make him disappear.
Why are you so sure
of this Rycott?
I'm not.
We sparred around
for a little while.
I suppose he could see
I was pretty shaken up.
I gave him a tale about
company records, a reward.
Look, I could just tell
he's the sort of copper
you could give your driving licence
to with a £10 note stuck inside.
And then he arrests you,
and slaps on another charge
of trying to bribe a police officer.
But Rycott got the message.
He knows that I want the bag
- and that I'm not worried about arrest.
- What about him?
Well, he's said enough.
You arrest a bag snatcher,
it's hardly overnight promotion.
- He has this man's address?
- Well, it'll take a day, maybe two.
These people move about quite a bit.
Look, Rycott gave me his home telephone
number. He's on our side, Maurice.
It's still a very big risk.
If he finds out what's in the bag
But I told him,
all we needed was the address.
After that, I'd handle everything.
He'll get his reward.
Everything will be forgotten.
If he finds the man,
he's in our pocket.
Unless he gets too greedy.
Can you find out about this
Detective Constable Rycott, Eric?
So, we have a little sneak thief.
And, hopefully, a bent policeman.
I put the bag down for 20 seconds.
Please, you've got to believe that.
Brian, it's all a matter
of accountability.
As I explained.
Are you frightened?
Good. You should be.
And dear Kim as well.
Right, all fixed.
Not much of a hotel, is it?
What do you expect?
The top floor of the Dorchester?
I've taken care of everything.
Nobody's to know you're here.
I've told the geezer you're three
oil men down from Aberdeen.
- Terry, nobody goes out.
- OK.
And, remember, you're all incognito.
See you soon.
Hello, Terry!
What you doing here?
Incognito. I think we've got
the penthouse suite booked.
Oh, yeah? It's Scotch Harry, innit?
Haven't seen you in years, Harry.
I'm not Scotch Harry.
I'm his brother.
Got it. Right. Now, sign in, lads.
The first night's in advance.
Well, I thought it had all been
taken care of.
Well, it ain't, and I've
got to have a deposit.
- Do you take credit cards?
- No, offence, mate,
but not from you, Harry.
Look, I told you, you're mixing
me up with my brother.
Sorry about that. Still, seven quid
a night each in advance.
Right. What's the room service like?
Just across the street,
little off licence.
Besides, them packing
groceries for you.
21 at a day.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, sweetheart.
I wonder if you could do me
a favour.
A fella lost a bag here yesterday,
and a friend of mine found it.
Pardon me, sir. It's a matter
for our security people.
No, no, sweetheart.
I want to do them a favour.
My friend thinks there might be
a small reward.
It's a matter for our security man, and
unfortunatly he's not on duty at the moment.
Oh, well, there you are, sweetheart.
He's got the address.
All he needs is a name.
Go on. It's not a crime just
to give me a name, is it?
It was on the Munich flight,
wasn't it?
That's right.
He was doing a Neville Chamberlain.
- I beg your pardon.
- Never mind.
He was a Mr Brian Ashton.
- And he didn't take his flight?
- No.
Thanks very much, sweetheart. You're doing
a very good public relations job here.
I don't suppose you ever go up to
White City Saturday nights, do you?
No, you don't.
Darling, you'd better go.
- What do you mean?
- Get out of here.
- But why?
- They don't believe us, that's why.
Look, the police guy's
looking for the thief.
And if he doesn't find him?
The only thing he is gonna believe
is if he sees that money
sitting in front of him.
Even then we're out of a job.
We've screwed it up.
These people don't believe
in accidents.
I should have stayed
selling insurance.
I don't want you hurt, Kim.
Who wants to know?
Yes, this is Brian Ashton speaking.
Yes, OK.
Yes. Yes, I'm sure we have
a little business to discuss.
- What am I gonna do, then?
- Well, just suss it out, that's all.
Listen, I could be walking into
a load of trouble up there.
You're supposed to be
the business brain.
Of course I am. That's why I'm
sending you in there to meet 'em.
- I don't want to reveal our hand.
- What hand?
The fact that someone of my stature
is involved in it.
Oh, it's really gonna terrify 'em,
that is, isn't it?
In fact, more than likely, Terry.
you need a backup man outside.
I'd rather have a backup man inside.
I'm gonna keep a lookout
for a Rycott.
You don't know him all that well.
- He'll probably be up there with 'em.
- Give you a chance to meet him.
Stop worrying, Terry.
Just get in there,
and in the words of Scotch Harry,
"Do the bizzo."
Ha ha.
How much change of you got left?
- About 15 quid.
- Give us it.
- What for?
- Because it's my money.
- What do you want it for?
- To get a carry out.
- I'll get it.
- Hey, listen.
Do you not think I can cross
the bloody street?
Arthur and Terry said not to go out.
So what? You're forgetting
who nicked our case.
I'm the guy that did the bizzo, OK?
I'm the one that should be giving
the orders, not them two.
- Give us the money.
- Look, Harry.
Never mind "Look".
I only want to cross the street
and get a couple of bottles.
A breath of fresh air.
I mean, I'm not used
to sitting in all day like this.
I'm basically an outdoor man, I come
from Clydebank.
- I'll come with you.
- Oh, sod you coming with me.
Stan. With all this dough, is it
likely I'd do anything stupid?
I mean, who organises
everything for us two?
It's me, right?
I mean, I look after you more than
you look after me, don't I?
- My best pal.
- Course I am.
Well, just give me a tenner.
I'll go and get a couple of bottles.
Fresh air.
How would you like me
to get you some crisps?
- Some of the cheese ones?
- Barbecue bacon.
I like the cheese ones myself.
I'll get the big bags.
Be good, that would.
Back before you know it, Stan.
- All alone, old boy?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Do we make formal introductions?
- No, I don't -
- It's not the guy who stole the bag.
- I see.
Are you some kind of a go-between
An agent.
A sort of commission agent.
- How much?
- Well, since we got so lucky,
and we don't want to throw ourselves
in on your thriving little business,
we thought 50 grand.
In coinage of the realm, of course.
Who exactly are we dealing with?
I don't want to know your name,
and I ain't going to tell you mine.
Oh? Professional.
I think I should make
at least one introduction.
This is Eric.
Eric was with the SAS.
Nice for him.
He was the Sultan of Okrama's
personal bodyguard.
Wasn't that the one who got shot?
- After my time, old boy.
- I'm sure you're very handy, Eric.
You obviously have somebody
waiting downstairs.
Don't you think 50,000
is a little excessive?
Well, half a million ain't exactly
bingo money, is it?
Do forgive me. I haven't even
offered you a drink.
No, I won't be staying.
You agree the price,
we deliver the bag.
How do we get in touch?
We don't. We arrange the meet now.
After that, you don't see us,
we don't see you.
I hardly imagine we mix
in the same social circles.
Well, you never know
who're gonna run into
at the hunt ball these days,
do you, Eric?
How true.
Tonight, ten o'clock.
- That it, then?
- That's it.
Surprising, really. Good as gold.
Very trusting.
Yeah? I don't know
if they're all that trusting.
- Eh?
- Don't look round.
I said, don't look round, didn't I?
- We're being followed.
- Oh, you're joking.
Soon find out.
Following, and not all that well.
That will be the bold Eric.
Funny, really. I thought he'd drop
on us by a parachute.
- What now, then?
- We hope the front door ain't locked.
What are you talking about,
front door?
What are you doing?
Looking for an address.
Now he's got one.
Highly trained killer?
He's not all that, is he?
Hey, how's it going, Fred?
Hello, Harry.
I haven't seen you for a while.
Give us a Drambuie
and a half pint of lager.
Right. Dolly will look after you.
Half a lager and a Drambuie.
How's Stan these days?
In the pink.
That's the way to be, Harry.
Oh, right. Thank you.
Oh, hello, Mr Rycott. How's it going?
Get in the car, Harry,
out of the rain.
A bit too pissed for your
eight hundred meter this time, eh?
Hey, he is plague.
What have I done?
Hey, officer, I was with my brother
and my auntie.
Ah. To hell.
Whenever you like.
I thought you were still over
in A Division, Mr Rycott.
Yeah? Well, I've served my time,
Harry, just like you.
Six years back as a Woodentop.
Very sweaty in the summer,
those uniforms.
Sorry to hear that, Mr Rycott.
I mean, you suit the plain clothes
Well, you were always a nice dresser,
Mr Rycott.
I got the shock of my life when I saw
you at that air terminal.
15 years and still a bloody
Detective Constable.
You deserve better so you do,
Mr Rycott.
Like you, Harry.
Ach I just scrape by,
you know what I mean?
Well that's what I'm doing, Harry.
Just scraping by.
You could have been an inspector
by now.
Except for that wee bit of trouble,
Mr Rycott.
- Good copper, Harry.
- One of the best.
I mean, see for the guys like me,
you were always bad news,
if you don't mind me saying that.
Screwed up my pension.
See, some people
No appreciation.
Eh, Mr Rycott, we just passed
the nick.
What's occurring?
Well you can't be doing with getting
nicked again, can you, Harry?
- Where are we going?
- We're gonna do ourselves a favour.
You see I don't get any pleasure
out of putting away guys like you.
It's not nicking people that counts,
is it?
Rehabilitation, that's the approach
these days, Harry.
Rehabil I thought rehabilitation
was learning you a trade
or sending you to a probation
Yeah, well, they are a bit like
that, these people. Do-gooders.
You do a good deal,
you'll be all right.
- Yeah. Listen, I want outta here
- Shut up!
Don't think of it, Harry.
Broken legs, attempting to escape
from police custody,
damage to my motor.
A good judge'd stick 12 months
on top for that.
Aye, you're right.
OK if I have a wee drink, Mr Rycott?
Why not?
You wipe the top
and I'll have one an' all.
How could you, Stan? How could you?
Stay in, I said.
Nobody goes out, I said.
He just said he was going out
for some crisps and a drink.
- A drink? You let him go out for a drink?
- Just the one.
He can't count one.
I mean, I've been working on his
behalf, I've been grafting for him.
I've been face to face with
a trained assassin!
Arthur, someone wants you
on the blower.
Great, isn't it? Nobody's supposed
to know we're here
and now we're getting person
to person calls!
- Scotch Harry?
- No, bloke wouldn't give his name.
Sorry, Terry.
Honest, I
I only give him
I only give him a tenner.
With one of them in his pocket
he could be anywhere, couldn't he?
He's probably half way to Spain
for the next World Cup.
Mind you, he'd be the only Scot
OK. So you've got our friend.
But we've still got the money.
What - What do you mean
the situation's changed?
You know where we are as well?
And the names? Well great.
But we've still got the money.
An hour?
I'll think about it.
I don't usually inhale these.
Scotch Harry's just signed in
at the Fontwell.
He's staying the night and we
probably won't see him again.
So what do we do?
So, you've got to make a choice,
Friendship or dollars.
He's my best pal.
It'd be a terrible world without
friends, wouldn't it?
Hold on. Isn't that the Pink Panther?
Oh, yeah!
What about his comrades in arms?
He's on the payroll, isn't he?
Yeah, but how many others?
Nah, forget it. I think DC Rycott's
doing a bit of freelancing.
Always was a greedy man.
- Hello, Mr Rycott.
- Hello, lads!
Long way up your manor, aren't you?
I'm just waiting for a friend
of mine.
I hop you're not gonna nick him.
You haven't got a hidden microphone
in there, have you, Arthur?
I can't believe you'd try and fit up
a hard-working DC.
- Not my style.
- Good.
Have a nice meeting, lads.
A pleasure to see you, gentlemen.
Derek will take your bag.
No, just a minute
Your friend was very co-operative.
I did tell you that Derek
was a skilled man.
Oh fellas, I'm sorry.
What could I do?
That big guy really did the bizzy
on me.
- You didn't have to do that.
- We had to have names.
He's only a little guy.
But suddenly he was mixing
with big guys.
There is an old myth - the bigger
they are, the harder they fall.
Don't believe that, Mr Daley.
Small people, they disappear
and nobody even cares.
You drop them in the river and
they don't even leave a ripple.
We'll - We'll get you to
the hospital, Harry.
I'd rather have a drink, Stan.
£500. And you're lucky, Mr Daley.
- Now wait a minute
- No argument, no threats.
Mistakenly you involved yourself
with a very big organisation.
You caused us an inconvenience,
but business was merely interrupted.
In half an hour we can have
So take your friend, go and forget.
He's my pal!
Don't you do that to me
Ooh! As you said, my friend,
the smaller they are
See to him, will you?
Hey give us a kick at him, eh?
Just one kick, eh?
Sod it, why not.
Ooh! Mammy, Daddy, my toe!
Who says you can never find one
when you want one?
Now I've never grassed on anyone
in my life, Mr Rycott,
but there's a little team up in
Room 1720 of very nasty people.
Aye. Look at that, eh, Mr Rycott?
One of 'em pulled a button off
my jacket.
So are you on duty, Rycott?
Cos if you're moonlighting, sir
I don't think you're gonna get
paid out.
I'm nearly always on duty.
I think we've nearly made
an honest copper off him.
Arthur. Got a minute?
- Yeah, Dave.
- Excuse me.
Come on, do me a favour.
You know Scotch Harry's been barred
here for six months.
Dave, he's with me!
I'll vouch for him,
he'll be as good as gold.
Stop messing me about, big'un!
I'm all right.
Yeah, well any naughty behaviour
and he's out, right?
On my landlord's life.
He's in my company.
Need I say more?
Yeah, talking of your
landlord's life,
you know that $100
you gave me on Saturday?
- Yeah.
- Well, it's a wrong'un, Arthur.
You what?
I took it to the bank this morning.
It's a forgery.
A very good one, but nevertheless.
Apparently they are all over
the continent.
A forgery? That $100?
On my bank manager's life, Arthur.
So, you owe me 45 quid.
Honest, Dave, I don't know how
that could occur.
But that is still nine fivers,
Oi. Since you've got your hand
in your pocket
that's a Drambuie shandy for him,
there's a light ale for him,
what do you want, Dave?
- A Bloody Mary.
- A large Bloody Mary, I think.
I'll have a large Bloody Mary and a
slimline tonic. You know, watch that.
Have whatever you like yourself.
Would you like a drink, love?
Anybody want a drink?
discolor, some resync and a few lines
If you want to
I'll change the situation
Right people, right time,
just the wrong location
I've gotta good idea
Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you
- I could be so good for you
- I'm gonna help you
- Love you like you want me to
- I'd do anything for you
- I'll be so good for you
- I could be so good for you
- I'll do it like you want me to
- Love you like you want me to
There ain't nothing
I can't go through
I'll be so good for you ♪
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