Minx (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

Not like a shvantz right in the face

1 Thank you, Pulitzer Committee, for this joyous honor.
My good friend, Gloria Steinem, once asked me, "Joyce, did you know that the magazine you created in your childhood bedroom would change the world forever?" No.
No, I never dared imagine Show me your tits! Show me your tits! Come on, baby! Shake them cans, baby.
I'd love to discuss your use of catcalling to communicate with women on the street.
I'm sure that this was acceptable when you were coming up in the construction industry, but times have changed.
So if you want to meet me, you can introduce yourself with a handshake and a name.
I'm Mike.
And I'm Joyce.
Cool, Joyce.
So you gonna sit on my face or what? All right.
Welcome to the Southern California Magazine Pitch Festival, where we connect the magazine creators of tomorrow with the publishers of today.
This year's publishers are a fine Do you mind? Oh, I I'm sorry.
They got some policy about smoking cigars inside, like it's a fucking hospital or some shit.
Line up for whichever publishers float your boat.
Dazzle 'em with your three-minute presentation, Hey, is that, uh first pitch fest? Yeah.
Yeah, so I'm just trying to listen to her.
I wouldn't get your hopes up.
- Excuse me? - Ah, it's just that everybody and their mama's trying to sell a magazine nowadays.
For every, you know, "Cat Fancy" that finds its perfect niche audience, there's about a thousand "Cat-Tastics" that are gonna crash and burn, so.
Thanks for the recap on the booming magazine industry.
I'm not "Cat-Tastic" or any other imitator.
I have been working on my idea for years.
- You say for years? - Yeah.
Do me a favor.
Come pitch it to me.
- You're a publisher? - I am.
I'll see you in there.
Good luck.
"Giant Juggs.
" "Milky Moms.
" - Ew.
- Now go forth and conquer! "Math is Hard.
When Back to School Makes You Feel Like a Fool.
" "From Date to Mate: You Too Can Snag a Spouse.
" "The Grapefruit Diet: Find Your Thin Within.
" What do these articles have in common? - They're cute and fun.
- With pictures of pretty gals.
The kind of stuff my old lady reads in the tub.
What they have in common is they're the exact opposite of the stories I'm gonna have in my magazine.
This country treats women like second-class citizens.
We're overlooked, underpaid, and overwhelmed.
We deserve a magazine that inspires us that shows us how to fight.
Gentlemen, this is your chance to be on the right side of history.
"The Matriarchy Awakens.
" Why is she so angry? Uh, I believe I covered that in my presenta Hey, "Cat-Tastic.
" - You need a hand? - No, I'm fine.
Suit yourself.
Hey, you forgot to find me today.
How'd it go? My pitch needs a smidge of work.
Yeah, I overheard you at "Conde Nasty.
" Hey, if it were me, I'd stop bragging about how different I was from the most successful women's magazines in, oh, I don't know, forever.
I would say that I was just like 'em, you know, but but with a twist.
Yeah, well, maybe that'd work on you, but I'm looking for a different kind of publisher.
Oh, yeah? And what kind is that? The kind that doesn't fetishize lactating mothers.
Some mouth on you.
You know, for your information, I got 4 million in circulation, I got 12 titles on the rack Yeah, a dozen pornography titles.
What, you think that's easy to do? Breasts, more breasts.
Oh, look bigger breasts.
If you have to do porn, at least be original.
- Mm.
- Photograph naked old people.
Or, I don't know, make a magazine full of nude men.
You know what, maybe you could be the first centerfold.
See how you like being objectified for once.
You dropped something.
Yeah, I had a dream I could fly High up above the ground I'm sorry, love, it slipped my mind.
My parents already think you hate them.
I don't hate your parents, Glenn.
Hate that they voted for Nixon, but You know how my mom gets hung up on this holiday party.
Well, that's what happens to smart women who don't work.
Still have these big brains, so they use them on things that don't matter.
See, now that's a story idea.
Of course it is.
- What does that mean? - Your magazine, Joyce.
There are three people in this relationship, and not in a fun way.
Look, I know I've been preoccupied lately.
Lately? You've been completely obsessed the entire time we've been dating.
Well, then so why does it suddenly matter? I guess I just thought it would be out of your system by now.
Out of my system? You've just been waiting for me to what, give up? Joyce.
I love you.
The magazine's not working out, and I don't get why you're still going.
No, of course you don't get it, because you rose through the ranks of a national magazine writing about houndstooth blazers and skinny lapels.
- Okay.
- But my stories are political.
No one wants to touch 'em, so I have to do it myself.
No, you don't.
Just put all of that energy into something else.
We could have a great life together.
Are you asking me to choose? Well, it's not much of a choice, is it? No, it's not.
Hello? Yes, I did have a good Valentine's Day.
We actually have a Valentine's Day special.
30% off if you order today.
That's right, just $9 a year.
Yeah, that's the sweet spot right there.
You know, you should do this for your boyfriend, get him good and hot.
I'm sorry, what was that? Yes, ma'am, you can cancel at any time.
You'll get the first issue next week.
Hope your daughter likes it.
If she's as political as you say, I'd recommend getting a "Newsweek" subscription instead.
There's a revolution coming, and we're still publishing puff pieces about David Cassidy.
Hey ya, honey.
What are you doing here? Oh, I came to kidnap you.
Nah, you put where you work in your magazine, dummy.
- You read my magazine? - I did.
What, you think I'm illiterate or something? - Well - Look, it's not Proust.
It's pronounced "Proost.
" Do people enjoy your company? Not really.
Look, you've got to go, okay? My co-workers are G-rated.
They wear sweater sets and pearls.
Oh, come on, those sweater girls are all freaks on the inside, you can trust me on that.
Hey, come to Mort's, 1:00.
Let's talk business, okay? You think I'm just gonna show up for some mystery meeting in a diner, like I have nothing better to So, we're up in Lake Havasu, and we're shooting these two chicks for the cover of "Asian Asses," and I got this really sexy kind of Vietnam rice paddy angle and my makeup boy, Richie, knocks the bag of film right into the water.
- Mm.
- So we got to shut down as he goes into town, and the chicks start bitching, you know? - They do that.
- "Doug, how long is this gonna take? It's so cold out here.
" So guess what I did.
Re-evaluated your entire existence? I gave them the only thing that I had to read in my car, which was your magazine.
Your centerfolds read "The Matriarchy Awakens"? Also not illiterate.
Did they like it? Not that it matters.
I'm just curious if they It blew 'em away.
- It did? - It did.
It's been three weeks, and they're still talking about the articles.
And one of 'em even hit me up about a raise because of something that you wrote about the pay gap.
- Well - I mean, she's not gonna get it.
Look, I got a lot of readers.
And they write to me all the time, and they say, "Doug, shit's changing.
" You know, "Chicks are changing.
" So I got to figure out, you know, what to do with that, what's next.
And then I started thinking maybe I got to stop talking to the men.
Maybe maybe I should be talking to the women.
You want to talk to women? Well, there's a lot of you out there, and I'd like a piece of that pie.
Oh, you're not suggesting that you publish "The Matriarchy Awakens.
" Oh, God no.
I mean, not in its current form.
Hey, don't get me wrong, it's good.
It's just you got a challenge.
And the tone, it comes across as shouty.
When I'm reading it, I feel like a fucking teacher is yelling at me.
Well, who cares how it makes you feel? It's supposed to make people think.
You got to hide the medicine.
It's like when you give a pill to a dog, you dip it in peanut butter first.
So my question is, what's our peanut butter? - I'm sorry, are you waiting - It's nude men.
Did you say nude men? Not like a schvantz right in the face, you know, classy.
With your modern, you know, lady point of view.
Are you mentally ill? You're the one who came up with the idea.
No that was a conversational bon mot.
Do you even understand what it is I am trying to do here? Of course, I do feminism.
Making shit fair and equal for the chicks.
So tell me this, how is it fair and equal that a guy has twelve places to go to see a pair of titties, but a gal has no place to go to see a dong? Gals do not want to see a dong.
Oh, they don't? Now how do you know? - Because I am one, so.
- Mm.
Well, would you like to put money on it? - What, you mean, like a bet? - No, honey.
Like a magazine.
He wants to give you an office and a staff and fund your first three issues? Didn't you tell me that cost, like, 50 grand? - Maybe.
- Joycie! That's a lot of money.
Yeah, but it comes with strings.
You know, big ones wrapped around peckers.
Maybe it'll just be a single, tiny weenus hidden in the back of the magazine.
Why are you trying to talk me into this? You're my baby sister.
I hate to see you spin your wheels.
You've been at this for so long.
Look, I know it's a good opportunity.
- Well, an opportunity.
- The only opportunity.
Why does it have to come from this guy? He's just so wrong.
Do you think that Lenny had all of the qualities I was looking for in a husband? You know, I wanted someone who loved to travel, not someone who gets diarrhea from looking at Chinese food.
But he takes care of me.
He's a great dad.
No, I didn't get everything I wanted, you know, but I'm I'm happy.
All right, even if I wanted to, do you think I could pull this off? The the nudity? Why not? 'Cause I'm not some sexy, cool girl.
- I went to Vassar.
- Yeah, and that's what this guy wants from you, that Seven Sisters polish all over his magazine of knobs.
Oh, Shelly.
Don't be disgusting.
What? You're the pornographer.
You got to get used to this kind of talk.
I am woman, hear me roar, in numbers - Too big to ignore - Too big to ignore No one's ever gonna keep me down again Oh, yes, I am wise But it's wisdom born of pain Yes, I've paid the price But look how much I've gained If I have to I can do anything I am strong, strong I am invincible, invincible I'm in Gomorrah.
You need something? Good morning.
Um, yes, I'm here to see, um, Doug Renetti.
- My name is Joyce - Joyce Prigger, is that you? Hi! I'm Bambi.
- Hi - So good to meet you.
- Hi.
- I model for Doug.
Most recently in "Bodacious Butts.
" I was Miss May, June, and July.
Oh oh, wow.
That's a busy summer.
Yeah, it was almost too much.
- Oh.
- I'm tired.
Um, can I just say, thank you so much for this opportunity? I mean, to learn from someone like you is just oh, Doug didn't tell you? I'm working for the magazine.
I'm your new centerfold coordinator.
- Oh! - Okay, tour time.
What is a centerfold coordinator? I don't know, I made it up.
Doesn't it sound fancy? Okay, so it's basically just like any other regular old office.
We have Art Department, Editorial.
That's Shipping, Accounting.
Ignore Gerry.
He's just mad Doug pulled the plug on his magazine idea to do yours.
Your accountant created a magazine? Yeah.
You know Doug.
He thinks a zillion-dollar idea can come from anyone.
This is all our photo editing and Is he rouging that woman's breasts? Oh, yeah.
Um, nips don't read pink under hot lights, so we have to huh.
Richie, are we gonna have to put makeup on dicks? Mm, one can only hope.
That's Richie.
- Oh.
- He's our makeup artist, but he's gonna be your photographer, 'cause none of the other guys want to shoot wieners.
Don't worry, I know my way around a camera.
I've been photographing my lovers throughout the years.
- Oh.
- Ooh, I love this ensemble.
Hey, look who made it.
You look beat.
Long drive? How's a cup of coffee? A cup of tea would be divine.
Oh, I'm not the secretary.
I'm just Black.
I'm so sorry.
It was actually the way that you were pouring the waters that I thought that Reminded you of the help at your tennis club? No.
Uh ah, well, we are members of a tennis club, but the waitstaff there is mostly Mexican, um She's fucking with you.
Tina's my secretary going on ten years.
- Oh, that's very funny.
- Racist.
All right, fuckers, here's our timeline, lean and mean.
A week to produce a test issue? - That is way too fast.
- Well, we got to boogie if we want to be the first out of the gate, right? You think there's a second nude feminist magazine in the works? If there's not now, there soon will be.
Centerfold ideas, shoot.
What do we got? Bambi, go ahead.
Um, I was thinking, what's the number one thing women find sexy? - Intelligence - Motorcycles.
Tricked out Harley, big, muscley model with a juicy boner draped over the throttle.
- Mm.
- What's the caption? - "Wild Hogs.
" - "Greasy Riders.
" - Oh.
- Ooh, I got it.
"Rode Hard and Put Away Wet.
" - Ooh, yes.
- That's the one.
- Bambi, that's genius.
- That's really good, Bambi Yo ah this is just not quite what I had in mind.
It's a great first try though.
- What's wrong with it? - It's just, how do motorcycles relate to feminism? Are erections consistent with our philosophy? If if our goal is to level the playing field between the sexes, then should our penises be ready to assault? Or or should they be approachable and unassuming, draped gently on a thigh, tucked away, under a throw? I think you're missing the point of a centerfold.
No one cares about philosophy.
The only question that matters is, does it turn you on? That is a question for the ages, which we could debate for months.
Well, we wouldn't want to do that, now would we? Well, we wouldn't want to rush into things either.
You know, we should give this magazine the thought it deserves.
- And I think we are.
- Some highly recommended reading, "Lady Chatterley's Lover," and then we have the "Kinsey Report," Volumes 1 and 2.
And last summer's bestseller, "Our Bodies, Ourselves.
" There is an eye-opening section on vulvas, page 93.
You sure about this one? She seems a little brainy.
Yeah, I think that's the point.
Unless you want to be selling under-the-counter mags for the rest of your life.
Got us this far.
Yeah, but you were happy selling magazines out of the trunk of my car.
You were pretty happy then too.
This is gonna be great for us.
You'll see.
We just got to get Joyce out of her own head.
- Who are those guys? - Models potential models.
- We agreed to take our time.
- Yeah we've got momentum.
You do not stand in front of a moving train.
I have ideas for big, splashy stories.
- Okay, um - Okay.
I I could go undercover at an abortion clinic, and I could take firsthand accounts of rape.
You could also walk up and down Sunset Boulevard, shouting our idea into the windows of other publishers.
What is this obsession you have with getting scooped? Has farting up your own ass gotten you anywhere in life? Apparently not.
Joyce, please, just give me a couple of days.
That's all I ask.
Just try it my way.
"Electric flesh-arrows traversing the body.
A rainbow of color strikes the eyelids.
It is the gong of orgasm.
" Hey.
We're looking for models for a male nude magazine.
You'll be you'll be butt-ass naked, that means your dick.
If you got a problem with it, the door's right there.
- Let's do it.
- Great.
Go ahead.
Uh um, uh Does this not feel predatory to you? I mean, why do we have to see the thing before the photoshoot? I'm sure it's lovely, you know well, I mean, as lovely as they get, right? They are all basically the same, so.
Not all wieners are the same, babes.
There's shorties, fatties, long ones, flatties.
Playful, shy, jaded, bored.
- You have seen a dick before? - Of course I've seen dicks.
I've seen so many dicks.
I've seen two and a half.
In very dim lighting.
Oh, wow.
Panties off.
- Oh.
- Oh! - A short fatty.
- That's a fun combo.
- Oh.
- Great.
I like him.
I don't know, I think I mean, what'd you guys think of this one, right? - Oh, I loved him.
- Oh, he's cute.
- And he's a real sweetheart too.
- Yeah.
- Right? - He was an adorable idiot.
He was like a Golden Retriever in human form.
Are you always this picky? Look, whomever we choose is gonna have to sell the philosophy behind the magazine, okay? If he's not an intellectual, then how are we any different than "Milky Moms"? Joyce, I hate to Sorry, I read the time wrong.
I thought you guys started at 12:00 a.
What audition starts at midnight? Rats.
I'm always getting my a.
s and my p.
s confused.
- Oh.
- Wasting no time.
Did you strip down in our hall? The receptionist told me to.
Did I do something wrong? - Not cool, Rita.
- Aw, that's happened to me a million times.
So tell us about yourself.
I'm Shane.
I'm a fireman.
Is that it? Um, I grew up in Malibu.
Played football for Pali.
Go Dolphins! All right, well, thank you.
We will call you.
- Oh.
- Oh, shit.
Everyone stay calm.
The shaking you're feeling is an earthquake.
Yes, thank you.
We know what an earthquake is.
We live in Los Angeles.
Whoa ah! Are you okay, ma'am? Yeah.
Yeah, um, I'm fine.
Thank you.
Just doing my job.
Maybe we should stay here just a second, in case there's any aftershocks.
That's fine.
Joyce has a boyfriend, Joyce has a boyfriend He loves you.
He wants to put babies in you.
Oh, yeah.
Vassar's gonna ball our first centerfold.
I never said he was our centerfold.
You're a white bitch.
We want white bitch readers because they have money.
- Mm.
- If you want to fuck him, the other white bitches will too.
I never said I want to F him Ah, you just about creamed my couch.
Oh, come on! The "Kinsey Reports" says that a woman's vagina doubles in length when she's horny.
Ha! It's called "vaginal tenting".
- Bambi, no.
- Okay, I may have found him desirable, yes, but it's not my fault.
Evolution has conditioned women to be attracted to rescuers.
It's up to us to overcome our animal desires Someone please stop her.
That is no fun.
- Well, maybe I'm no fun then.
- You are.
You're just scared of that part of yourself, 'cause you think it makes you seem weak.
You know, you can be more than one thing.
Uh, maybe for a guy.
Women cannot lose focus.
All right, maybe.
Either way, it's a good idea for a story.
Mm, that is a good idea.
Did you just come up with that? I guess I'm more than one thing too.
How's that? - Let's drink.
- Fireman! Fireman! Fireman! Fireman! Whoo! - Okay, bye.
- Bye! 7:00 a.
Can I help you with something? Yeah, I was just dropping off some of your stuff that you left at my place.
Thought you'd be getting ready for work by now.
- Took some time off.
- Did you? I am developing "The Matriarchy Awakens" with a prominent publisher.
All those nights, working away in your room and for what? So you could be the porn queen of Pasadena? - How do you know about - How do I know? Everybody's gonna know, Joyce.
This isn't a secret you can keep.
- This is low.
- Anyway, it's just it's a small part of the magazine, so.
Do you know the story of McGregor? - Who? - A drunk starts talking to a tourist in a Scottish pub.
He says, "Do you see that dock over there? I built it myself, stone by stone.
But do they call me McGregor the dock builder? No.
You see that bridge over there? I built that too.
But do they call me McGregor the bridge builder? No.
But you fuck one sheep " You're a real jerk, you know that? And you're a sellout.
Good luck with the magazine.
Compromising your vision.
It gets a bad rap, but should it? You know, I say ow! Gloria? Compromise is for those who lack the will to fight.
You've made a mockery of us all.
- Hello? - Babes! We've been calling all day.
The photoshoot's a go.
We start at 6:00.
Who plans a photoshoot in one day? We do.
Don't you think it looks great? Hey, Richie, how 'bout a little tighter? Yeah, okay.
This is cheesy.
And I'm sorry, this is just embarrassing.
And it's this it's completely meaningless.
We're supposed to be saying something here.
Okay, Joyce, come on.
Take a minute and enjoy this.
Look at all these people working hard to make your dream come true.
You think this is my dream? My dream is a pot of delicious, healthy soup, and what you're doing is adding a tiny little piece of shit to it and stirring it in, hoping no one's gonna notice.
- Oh, is that right? - This is not just some piece of business for me, okay? This is my life's work.
Why should I have to compromise that for someone else? Because grow the fuck up.
That's why.
You think you're doing me a favor? I'm a goddamn success story.
I'm the American Dream, and I'm sorry to tell you this, Joyce, but maybe your magazine isn't as good as you think it is yet.
Who are you to determine that? I'm the money.
Yeah, well, your money costs too much.
Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm the only one who sees what you can do.
Guys, am I draping my penis over the fire pole or What? Hey, sexy lady.
Fuck you! That's the idea.
I stole the kids' baskets and blamed it on the Easter Devil.
That's a new character I created.
You're not the only artist in the family.
- Hmm.
- Here, chocolate makes it better.
- No, I'm fine.
- Hmm.
Why aren't you answering my calls? It's been weeks.
'Cause I've been busy rethinking my life.
Mm, and have you been to a newsstand recently? You know, a research trip? Nope.
I'm done with all that.
I'm gonna do what Glenn does.
Sit tight at "Teen Queen," write about eyeliner, get promoted.
- Okay, well, if you - Look, Shell, I know that you want this for me, but I would rather never publish a magazine than capitulate to someone's bad idea.
Well, what if it isn't a bad idea? Uh, a magazine full of naked men? It is deeply, inescapably just silly.
Will you look in your Easter basket already? Yes.
Open it up.
I bookmarked the page.
"At last, a male nude centerfold.
" It's television star Burt Reynolds.
- People like this? - Joycie, it's a sensation.
My grandma has a bear skin rug just like this, and I am never gonna be able to look at it the same.
Joyce, come look at this.
It's just a body.
What you looking at, gals? You should do this for your girlfriend, Cory.
Get her good and hot.
That's inappropriate for the workplace.
Would you welcome Burt Reynolds.
Hey, hey! - Hi, John.
- Hello, Burt.
I didn't recognize you standing up.
" Your street is lovely.
It's not where I pictured you.
Yeah, I always wanted to live in a place like this when I was a kid, so now I do.
I, uh, assume you've seen "Cosmo"? The whole country's seen "Cosmo.
" It was a cheat.
He was barely even naked, and women went crazy for it, just like you said they would.
And it made me think that maybe we should give this magazine another shot.
I know that male erotica is in the zeitgeist now, but we're still ahead of the curve.
We could be on the newsstands before anyone else.
You know, Joyce, here's the thing.
I go to any one of my magazines, and, well, people are dying to hear what I have to say, but you act like I'm some sort of a fucking clown until some fancy Manhattan editor throws old Burt Reynolds on a bearskin rug, and then I get your stamp of approval, huh? This magazine has been a part of me for a long time, and I didn't realize how hard it was gonna be to let it go out into the world and become this living, breathing thing.
I thought you were a tacky salesman with a cheap gimmick.
And you kind of are, but you do know something that I'm just figuring out.
That a magazine has it's got to make you feel something, and seeing a naked guy does that to women, whether they are curious or turned on or just want to laugh at him, it's the ability to look makes a woman feel powerful.
That's what our magazine is all about.
Or, you know, it could be if you give me one more chance.
I don't know, Joyce.
I'll have to, uh I'll have to think about it.
All right, well, don't fart up your ass for too long, Doug.
I have a killer idea for a centerfold.
Oh, yes.
That's hot stuff right there.
Okay, ladies, I'm bored.
Give me more.
- Be dirty.
- Look over here, baby! Hey! Show us your dick! Jeez.
Being a woman's intense.
- Yeah! - Give it to us.
Not bad, Joyce.
You know, I got to hand it to you with this centerfold.
You pulled a rabbit out of a hat.
- Thank you.
- You've come a long way fast.
Well, "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
" "Life is " - "Is a process of becoming.
" You read the books? You asked me to, so what? I liked 'em.
She's got a way with words, that Anais Nin.
It's pronounced "Anays Neen.
" Are you kidding me right now? - I don't know why I do it.
- Okay.
- All right, Joyce, big question.
- Yeah.
What are we gonna do about a title? What, of the magazine? Nothing.
What's wrong with "The Matriarchy Awakens"? - It's poon poison.
- Gross.
Chicks hear it, they dry right up.
What we need is a wet pussy title.
A wet pussy title?
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