Miracle Workers (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

3 Days

Previously on Miracle Workers.
What's going on here in Rosie-land? I'm working.
Rosie! Rosie! Rosie! So, we are gonna beta test this puppy all night.
She's really neat, Nana.
And I'm taking her on, like, a real date.
I'm so excited, Sammy! Did you hear that? "Real date.
" We might actually pull this off.
I mean, barring any unforeseen calamities.
Wait, what's that scary red number mean? - Uh-oh.
- Oh, no.
Ground floor.
Hello! Welcome to Heaven.
Right this way for orientation.
Welcome to Heaven.
Welcome to Heaven.
Hi.
I'm Peg.
Congratulations on your completely random entry into Heaven.
As employees of Heaven Inc.
, it is our responsibility to keep Earth running smoothly.
We're talking tide control.
Gravity enforcement.
Teeth.
Your initial department assignments will be random, except in the case of one incredibly vital position executive assistant to God.
Excuse me.
How do I apply? Follow me.
Wow.
Here's your desk.
If I may ask, why was that test so complex? We needed to find someone who could handle a lot.
Well, I'm so honored that you think I'm qualified.
Mm-hmm.
I always wanted to have a job where I could make a positive impact and do something meaningful.
- Who's that? - I'm sorry.
- What? - Goodbye.
What What do you mean, "goodbye"? What? Hey-o! New assistant alert.
Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop! That was the alert.
Hi.
I'm God.
I-I'm Rosie.
All right, follow me.
I hope you're ready to hit the ground running, because we've got a real challenge ahead of us.
I was able to crack the box, but, uh, this bag ain't going down without a fight.
Can you, uh Whoa! Muscle fingers.
Oh, yeah.
I guess that's everything.
Oh! Look.
I got a prize.
Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Oh, I'm keeping you.
Um, put this on the shelf for me.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I don't get it.
Sam's grandma looks healthy to me.
Yeah, well, she's about to drop dead.
When she dies, he's gonna freak out, cancel the date, and fly home.
Are we sure he's gonna fly home? Maybe they're not that close.
They're pretty close.
A toast.
To the most wonderful, inspiring and caring person that I have ever known.
This one's for you.
Oh, shit.
We have to keep Nana alive.
Then we'll have to go down to the basement.
What's in the basement? Death.
Heaven Inc.
God's Office.
Rosie.
What's up? Rosie, hi.
My name is Mike.
I'm the Senior Vice President over at the Zebulon Galaxy, recently voted the top galaxy in the omniverse.
I'm not sure that my boss is around at the moment.
Actually, Rosie, we're calling for you.
- Me? - Word got out the Earth is going under, and we're always on the lookout for top talent.
I'd love to buy you a cup of coffee and tell you what we're all about here at Zebulon.
Only if you have time, of course.
Rosie! Lazy Susan's now has a signature cocktail.
And it's thick.
I have time.
How much bog could a bog frog hog if bog frog could hog bog? - What are you doing? - Sorry.
It's I can't control it.
It's a habit.
It's something I do when I get very nervous.
What's there to be nervous about? - Hello.
- Aah! Hello.
Are you Death? No.
That's Death.
Cool.
Uh, we were wondering Is there any way we could maybe keep this lady alive? How are you today? That's going to be difficult.
At birth, every human is randomly assigned an expiration date.
You can die before your time, but not after.
There's gotta be something we can do.
I suppose you could file a death waiver.
That'll postpone her death for 100 days.
Okay, great.
That That That's a real relief.
Thank you.
First, you have to get it signed by God.
Good luck.
What if we just asked him nicely, obviously? Craig, there's no way he's signing this.
I bet Rosie can get him to do it.
She has him sign stuff all the time.
Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, my favorite co-worker.
Is that a new blazer? - Not now.
- Rosie, please.
We need your help.
If God doesn't sign this, the Earth will explode.
Maybe it should.
If you want my advice, jump ship.
Find somewhere else to work.
Somewhere that isn't run by an illiterate madman.
Did she just say "illiterate"? Rosie was joking, though, right? I mean, God must be able to read.
And yet, if he can't, it would explain a lot.
For example, every time I've seen him "reading," it looked like his eyes weren't moving.
Maybe he's just a slow reader.
Maybe, but but but but looking back, there was another thing.
Are you sure you want to do that? Do what exactly? Brush my teeth? Yeah, but with foot cream? Yes.
This is what I want.
It would make me really sad if God couldn't read.
But if it's true, we can trick him into signing this.
What? Mm It's our only chance.
We're running out of time.
- I say we gotta risk it.
- No, wait.
Howdy, boozehounds.
Just in time for Happy Hour.
All right, now, every bar has cocktails.
But only Lazy Susan's has Shocktails! Oh.
Drink up! Mm Yeah, the first shock is how much liquor is in them.
- Yeah.
Wow.
- The second shock is, there are little prizes in the bottom.
Ah.
Looks like this lucky bastard found the dice.
Hey, God, uh, could you sign something for us? What is it? Well, word got out that you were working on cool new drinks for Lazy Susan's, and we figured you might need a Liquor license.
Yeah.
Oh, wow, Sanjay.
Keepin' me two steps ahead of Johnny Law.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Nice.
Guys, I'm beginning to second-guess this plan.
I mean, what if he finds out? He's gonna be furious.
Don't worry, okay? Deep down, God's a softie.
I've never seen him get mad.
What in the is this?! I ordered a burger and curly fries.
What Um, I'm pretty sure it was regular fries.
Regular fries?! If there's one thing that makes me angry, it's when someone tries to trick me.
Tries to play me for a fool.
I-I'm sorry.
It's too late! The trick's already been played.
You up, hombre.
Give him the punishment.
What the hell? Ohh! Ohh! Don't go anywhere.
Did he just turn that guy into a jelly bean?! I don't know.
Here's some information about Zebulon.
Oh, my gosh.
Rosie, I'm gonna cut straight to the chase.
We think you're more than qualified to be Zebulon's next executive project manager.
Wow.
We're prepared to offer a highly competitive salary, as well as a suite of perks, including a personal chef, on-call masseuse, private golf course, a company car, a bag of jewels.
But most importantly, you'll finally have a chance to make a positive impact and do something meaningful.
Let's be real, Rosie.
You deserve better than Heaven.
I'm in.
Great.
Can we go now? Can we go right now? Let's go.
Unfortunately, we can't poach you.
So you will have to wait here until the Earth explodes.
- It won't be long.
- Cheers.
bog frog hog if a bog frog could hog bog? - What is happening? What is happening? - Could he hog the whole bog, on a log in the fog of a bog? Be cool.
Be cool! Bog-bog frog with a billy-bog hog that he flogs by the bog with a log.
- Pull it together! - Through the fog and the smog, Stop saying those words! I need you to stay with me! We're gonna be fine.
Okay.
Trust me.
He can't read, okay? He can't read.
Hey.
Want to know a little secret? I can't read.
Ah.
Without my glasses.
I've just been revisiting "Oliver Twist.
" I know.
Dickens is a little pedestrian, but, uh, what can I say? I'm a populist.
So, let's see that liquor license.
Interesting.
Very, very interesting.
Yeah.
Looks good to me.
Wait.
Before you sign, maybe I should have a look at the fine print.
Just to be safe.
Oh, well, that's good thinking, Rosa-reen-o.
Nice try.
I told you guys to let this whole thing go.
Just get out of here before he turns you into beans.
Wait.
So, is that confirmed? That is actually what happened? W-Why won't anybody answer me? No one is even looking at me.
Look at me! Rosie, if you don't care about Earth, don't you at least care about keeping your job? I found a better one.
Executive Project Manager at Zebulon.
Respect.
- Let's get out of here.
- Wait.
Why do you want to work for this place? - Because they're the best.
- Exactly.
They're the best.
They don't need any help.
Meanwhile, this place is such a crazy mess, it's about to go under, and the only ones trying to fix things are the three of us, and we have no idea what we're doing.
- None.
- Hm.
I am objectively bad at my job I have accidentally killed a ton of people and I'm the leader of this group.
- It's true.
- She leads us.
Look.
We are about to get turned into beans.
We are desperate for someone like you.
You can go to Zebulon, but if you do that, your talents will be wasted.
'Cause those people don't need you.
We do.
All right.
Now that you've tried the small, you got to try the medium.
How's that fine print looking, Rosie? It looks like a standard liquor license.
Yes! She saved us! No, I gave it away! He knows! Craig Rosie, would you mind reading the document out loud? "This contract for the sale of alcoholic beverages is between Lazy Susan's Enterprises and the Transdimensional Law Enforcement Bureau.
Upon signing, the sale of spirits, such as Shocktails, will be legally permitted.
" Would you like to write in any amendments? Nah.
Sounds good to me.
Oh.
We gotta go.
Oh.
Uh Thank you.
you haven't tried the What? Oh.
All right.
Life extension granted.
100 days.
- Congratulations.
- Yes! This one? Or this one? You can wear one on the first date and one on the second.
Nana.
To Nana.
No.
To Rosie.
Congrats.
Zebulon is lucky to have you.
They don't have me until the Earth explodes.
And maybe it won't.
Mm.
All right.
Well, this calls for an extra-special toast.
I pilfered this from upstairs.
Wow, Craig.
- Pretty bold.
- Yeah.
I was very drunk.
I still am.
- Cheers.
- Oh.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
So, we should get back to work.
- Yeah.
- What? Oh, okay.
Uh, Hello? Hello? Good evening, Craig.
Um you you wanted to see me, sir? I couldn't help but notice that some of my signature Shocktail umbrellas have gone missing.
Have they? Oh, no.
I don't think they blew away.
Do you think they blew away, Craig? I'm so sorry.
I only took a few umbrellas.
I-I really like umbrellas.
We all like umbrellas.
They turn every drink into a party.
See? Aren't we having fun now? You stabbed me in the back.
It's time for the punishment.
Oh no.
Oh, how much bog could a bog frog hog if a bog frog could hog bog? Shh.
It's over.
It's done.
Okay, so, check it out I love root-beer-flavored jelly beans, but they only put one in each jar.
And the lids are screwed on tight.
So the punishment is, you open that jar, find me a root beer, and then fork over that bean.
Go ahead.
Here you go.
- Punishment served.
- Oh.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you back there.
No, it's okay.
I-I understand.
You You were trying to teach me a lesson, and I have definitely learned it.
I'm very sorry and also very relieved that this is the whole punishment? Yep.
This is it.
This is it.
This is it.
The first time.