Miracle Workers (2019) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Hour

1 Previously on Miracle Workers.
ELIZA: All we have to do to save the world is get these two to kiss.
Have you guys ever thought about a Kiss Cam? Let's make it happen.
ANNOUNCER: Ooh, there's a cozy-looking couple.
CROWD: [CHANTING] Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! - Kiss! Kiss! - They're choking.
I'm going home.
Okay, fine.
Go home.
How are we gonna fix this? Did someone order a miracle? The bet's off.
I'm here to save the world.
- [GRUNTS] - [CLANK] O-Okay.
[SIGHS] Shit.
Oh, how's this thing going? RAYMOND: My name is Raymond.
I work in the Department of Clouds.
We have no leadership.
No direction.
Every day, you just come in and make any kind of cloud you want.
Big puffy cloud, little dotty cloud, long, streaky cloud fine, go for it.
No one cares.
Sometimes, I get so bored, I like to make my cloud look like things.
Like a turtle or a car or something.
Occasionally, some kid will notice.
But, mostly, nobody looks up.
NADIA: Nadia.
Department of Male Nipples.
They were supposed to squirt orange juice.
The male nipple doesn't work, and it never will.
But we still gotta clock in every morning and pretend that today's the day that we're gonna crack that nipple.
I'll be honest: I'm always high, you know? My name's Carla.
I work in Bug Control.
Or should I say Bug "Control"? [SCOFFS] We can't control them.
They do whatever they want.
They run all over the place, fly around in crazy circles.
They're nuts.
My name's Frank.
I make the Northern Lights.
Why are there no Eastern Lights? Why can't I try some Western Lights? I'll tell ya why.
The [BLEEP] union.
We spent a thousand years trying to make a "bug-controlling helmet.
" You put it on, you're supposed to be able to steer a bug.
So stupid.
So stupid.
Collective bargaining my ass.
It's horse shit.
Great exit interview.
Do you have anything else you'd like to add? Just that I'll be happy when this place goes under.
Well, right there with ya.
Good news is, we don't have too long to wait.
GAIL: Department of Answered Prayers.
Reminder to please schedule your exit interview.
Department of Answered Prayers, remind Not yet.
Let's save this weird-ass planet.
[BELL DINGING] [SCREAMING] ELIZA: Status? ROSIE: Four blocks apart - and still drifting.
- We need to find a way to get them back together.
Then we've only got one option: We fence them in.
We block the roads they're on.
Then we seal off the side streets so the only direction they can move is toward each other.
We corral them like cattle, closer and closer, until their lips are touching.
Okay, I'm I'm not sure we're gonna be able to do that, Eliza.
Craig, we can't afford to play it safe right now.
N-No, I'm not "playing it safe.
" I promise.
We We just don't have the manpower to block off all those routes.
[SNAPS FINGERS] You're right.
Yeah, we need help.
Let's get the other departments.
Rosie, Sanjay, you go east, round up everyone from Bug Control to Erosion.
We'll go west and hit up the people in Currents, Clouds, and Tides.
And I'll help, too.
- Yay.
- Thank you.
- You're helping by just being here.
- Yeah.
- That's so nice of you.
- Great.
Hello? [INSECTS CHIRPING] Hello?! [ECHOING] Hello? Where is everyone? - I don't know.
[MUSIC STOPS, FEEDBACK] - Oh! - Oh! All right, everybody, look.
All of you are technically still employees here, at least for the next thirty-eight minutes.
So if you don't help us, you'll be in dereliction of your duty, which means a forfeiture of all severance packages.
Oh, shit.
So go on.
Get your gear.
We've got work to do.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] MAN: Yeah, let's fire it up! WOMAN: Hey, guys, it's running! MAN #2: Over here.
WOMAN: 12 blocks apart.
- Okay, let's go! Let's go! - Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go! [SIGHS] I think we got a real shot here.
We just can't afford any mistakes.
[ THUNDER CRASHES] - Aah! - WOMAN: Lightning initiated.
We've got to get him out of here.
- Aah! - WOMAN: Lightning initiated.
More lightning.
- [SCREAMING] - WOMAN: 18 blocks apart.
19 blocks apart.
- Hey, God.
- Hey! How are you? So glad you found us.
Everybody was like, "Where's God? We need him.
" Now, look, I'm I'm just glad I could help.
- Speaking of which, uh - [ THUNDER CRASHES] we we actually need your expertise right now In another room.
Really? 'Cause it seems like all the action's right here.
Oh, no.
There's a lot more action in another room.
Oh, boy.
I want to see that room.
[LAUGHING] All right.
- Lead the way.
- All right.
All right, people! Back to work! Come on! Let's do this thing! - Okay, Circuits.
You're up.
- MAN: All right.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] All right! Nice work.
Sewage initiated.
- We're getting there.
- Okay, hydrant's on deck.
Hydrant failed.
Damn it! Come You guys! Where were you on that one?! They were on their break.
We get 5 minutes every 45 minutes and 10 minutes every hour.
You got a problem with that, bring it up at arbitration.
That stupid union.
[SIGHS] Now Sam's way off course.
And there's nothing we can use to block the road.
What about that beehive? [ BUZZING] Bug Control! Can you control bugs? - Not really.
- What does that mean? Well, we got this helmet.
But the last time we tested it, it didn't work out too hot.
Okay, well, we gotta try it again right now.
Be my guest.
But before you strap it on, you might want to have a little chat with Henry.
He used the helmet six years ago to try to move a potato bug away from a potato.
Been that way ever since.
Is he all right? No.
Best we can figure is, his mind merged with the potato bug's mind.
Never really switched back.
Look, we need you to steer this bee towards Sam.
No way, lady.
I'm not risking my brain for some severance.
We need this.
- No, no.
You Okay.
- No, we just need it.
All right.
- Bee me.
- What? Strap it on.
Throw the switch.
Bee me.
Hang on.
Craig are you sure you want to do this? We have nineteen minutes until the Earth is destroyed, so we can't afford to play it safe.
Right? Bee me.
Bee me! Oh, wait, wait! Eliza.
If I don't come back, or if I come back as a bee, I just want you to know that - [HELMET POWERS UP] - Yeeeaaaghh! Aah! - Craig! - [GASPS] Did it work? Is he a bee? CARLA: Hey, look! He's doing it, sort of.
[ BUZZING] Whoa.
Get Yes! - [RAPID BEEPING] - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get him out.
We're losing him! Craig.
Craig, are you okay? Craig! Craig! Bzzzzzzzzzz.
[GASPS] I'm joking.
[LAUGHTER] Bzzzzzzzzzz.
So, he's legitimately messed up.
Right, everybody, we're back on track.
Now let's finish the job.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
You heard him.
Break's over! Man.
I've never walked this far in my whole entire life.
What am I doing anyway? Uh, we need you to pump love in the air to make the people kiss.
We can do that? Y-Yes.
We do it right here in the Department of Love.
- Oh.
Makes sense.
- Okay.
Sure is a lot of mammoth stuff in here.
So, this is the Love Machine.
It's a little complex, but I know you can handle it.
Well, I'll try my best.
So, the trick is to press this button over and over again and keep doing that and just stay here.
I won't let you down.
I love you, buddy.
- Okay.
- I love you.
[DOOR OPENS] [BUTTON CLICKING] [STEAM HISSING] Aah! Aah! Almost there! WOMAN: Balloon grounded.
What?! Uh 8 more minutes, people! - Wind! - [KEYBOARD CLACKING] [WIND BLOWING] Sam? Laura? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Press.
- [BUTTON CLATTERS] - Oh! What the [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE, DOOR OPENS] Make way! I got to plug this puppy in! Okay.
[WORKERS SCREAMING] - Oh! - Aah! Aah! - Oh! Oh! - Oh! No! Aah! Aah! Whoa! - Aah! Oh! - Oh-ho-ho-ho! Oh, no! Oh! Aah! Aah! Someone! - [THUNDER CRASHES] - Aah! Aaah! [ALARM BLARING] - Oh! - Oh! [EXPLOSIONS, SCREAMING] - WOMAN: Heaven off.
- SANJAY: Oh, no, no, no, no.
MAN: No.
Was that me? - Yes.
- How? [SCOFFS] All I was doing was plugging in the Love Machine.
MAN #2: What's a Love Machine? [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] - Does that even exist? - I don't think so.
Sanjay? Were you trying to get rid of me? You want to know something? Yes.
Yes, I was trying to get rid of you.
Why? Because you're an idiot! You're a moron! You made a crazy, stupid planet, and now it's gonna blow up! And you know what? It's all your fault.
It's all because of you.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, everybody.
Sorry I let you all down.
I'll just let myself out.
- Let's go, guys.
MAN: the right sequence.
They are just one meter apart now.
What's the plan? Okay, I've located a pair of rabid pigeons.
I say that we blow some bread crumbs into the back of their heads.
The pigeons dive-bomb them, smash their faces together.
- Maybe their lips touch.
- I don't know.
What else have we got? Do it! Pigeons! Go! [KEYBOARD CLACKING] [ PIGEON COOS] Wait! I think they're gonna do this on their own.
There's no way.
They're cowards.
They've choked every time.
Yeah, I know.
But sometimes people surprise you.
I thought you wanted to go home.
I thought you wanted to go home.
No, I only wanted to go home because I thought you wanted to go home.
Well, I didn't.
Well, why did you say you did? 'Cause I was scared.
I thought, if I said that I wanted to stay, and you said you wanted to go, then that would mean that I was the only one who wanted to stay.
I was scared of the same thing.
I'm sorry I-if I've been weird.
It's just it's been a weird couple weeks.
Do you ever feel like everything in life is just, like, totally out of your control? 10 TOGETHER: 9, 8 7, 6 - Yeah.
- 5 - Always.
- 4 3 - Almost always.
- 2 - Yes! Yeah! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Yes! Whoo-hoo! Oh! Oh! Yes! Jordan.
We just wanted to let you know that Earth's been saved.
Well, you must be really mad, then.
Since you hate it so much and think it's stupid and everything.
We don't hate it.
I-I mean, sure, it's messy.
- And frightening.
- And unfair.
I mean, you know, objectively, it's not good.
But maybe that's the point.
You made Earth a hard place so that we have to learn how to be strong.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
You knew how this would turn out all along, didn't you? You had it all planned from the very beginning.
You've been secretly guiding us every step of the way.
It all happened for a reason.
It was all part of your awesome plan, your grand, unknowable design.
[CHUCKLES] That would have been cool, though.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- You could have just said yes.
- Right.
We'd have believed you.
Oh, hey.
Do you want to come to the party? There's a party? Of course.
Everyone's celebrating.
Why? 'Cause they love Earth.
[SIGHS] [SMOOCHES] [BREATHES DEEPLY] [SCATTING] [BRONCHO'S "GET IN MY CAR" PLAYS] Would you really wanna make it alone if you could? [WORKERS CHEERING] Wanna, wanna make you feel good It won't happen if I ain't happenin' Oh, why don't you make the call? I'm all peace and satisfaction I love you, buddy.
I love you! I love you, too.
- Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh - Oh.
Won't you open that door, get you in my car You kind of forget how beautiful it is.
They have no idea how close they came to total annihilation.
I still can't believe we pulled it off.
We're not done yet.
A job well done.
[DOOR OPENS] - Conga line! - Whoo-hoo! - [DOOR CLOSES] - Aren't you coming? Not really much of a dancer.
You love to dance.
You dance every time you find someone's keys.
Well, no, that's more of a sort of like a subtle shimmy, though.
I don't know any of the, uh yeah, the popular steps.
Um you know, although I I could probably learn if someone would were to teach me.
I don't follow.
Would Would you like to dance with me? - Okay.
I'll lead.
- Okay.
Okay, yes.
That's definitely for the best.
- So, like this.
- Right.
- Mm.
- Okay.
Um, and let's just stay We'll stay away from that ledge, won't we? - Oh? Yeah, yeah.
We got it.
- Yeah.
You and me at the edge of the world With a pretty secret smile for me to see For me to see New bright whites and a cage full of ice And a naked little canopy to feed my disease My disease And if you're to smile at me I could cry by land A freak mega-storm rocked the metropolitan area this evening, pummeling the city with hurricane-force winds, hail, lightning, snow, and rain simultaneously for several seconds, before disappearing entirely.
The damage caused is still being assessed, but, tragically, we have confirmed that the destruction includes the beloved 13th Street Tunnel, once blessed by Saint Mother Teresa herself.
Finally, on a personal note, I'd like to announce that I will be taking a much-needed vacation.
The stresses of the recent news cycle have shaken me to my very core.
I'm a journalist, but I'm also a man.
My wife is worried about me.
That's why, tomorrow morning, I'm flying her and our two daughters to the white-sand beaches of sunny Aruba.
Life's short.
You gotta seize the day.
This is Laron Ron St.
Claire signing off.
Don't ask me where To fall in a river