Miracle Workers (2019) s02e02 Episode Script

Help Wanted

1 - Please.
- All right, my quiz hounds! Who's ready for a battle of the brains?! - Whoo-hoo! Yeah! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Why are we doing this? Can't we just drink? The prize is a five-coin bar tab, and our only competition is these idiots.
ALL: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! - Yeah! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
We can't lose! Okay, before we start, just a little reminder about cheating.
Use the honor system, guys.
No looking up answers on The Oracle.
I see all! All right, man.
Okay, the first category is political theory.
Yes! Yeah, we got this.
Which hunky emperor is well known for his juicy, trashy ass? What? - St.
Maxwell the Thicc! - St.
Maxwell the Thicc! Correct! That's 100 points to the Brew-Dog Crew! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Okay, there was no intellectual merit to that question.
Oh, so, you're an intellectual now? 'Cause last time I checked, you were still fully shoveling people's shit for a living.
Al, this is dumb.
You don't need to prove yourself to these morons.
Do a science question.
- Okay.
- Okay, fine.
Which scientific theory explains the phenomenon in which every 18 months, the sun is blacked out in the midday sky? Oh! Anaxagoras' theory of the solar eclipse! - Wrong.
- What?! Brew-Dog Crew, would you like to venture a guess? - If you think you know it - Okay, I don't know.
You know, sometimes, uh, the devil gets horny for the sun 'cause they're both made of fire.
Well, some sometimes he He flies up there and he And he [BLEEP.]
the sun so hard that all the fire in it It goes out.
- Correct! - Aw! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Come on! That's 100 points to the Brew-Dog Crew! - Whoo! - I think it's pretty clear who the smartest people in Lower Murkford are.
- Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! - Yeah! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I've gone down that road again I've been there before Though want to know more It's always been [SWORD SHINGS, CHICKEN SQUAWKS.]
Boy, I gotta say, honey, that parking brake you invented for our cart is brilliant.
And the beauty of it is you can't even see it.
You know what's funny No one will ever know what a smart idea you had.
No one.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Coming through.
What happened? Oh, my God, it was a freak accident.
Ted was just, like, minding his own business, pulling the horse's tail, screaming, "Yucca, yucca, yucca," when out of nowhere, the horse kicked him in the face.
Pretty bad wound.
I should apply some pressure.
Oh, stop.
Get out of the way.
Let the doctor handle it.
Looks like she's already got it covered.
I was just trying to stanch the blood flow.
Yeah? Where'd you learn how to do that? Oh, uh, well, I found a couple pages of an old medical textbook in a garbage dump.
So I guess I just picked up a thing or two.
You know, we could use a smart person like you at the medical center.
Would you be interested in a job? I think I would.
Well, in that case, welcome aboard, doctor.
- You called for me? - Yes! We have an emergency.
Henry the Duck has escaped! We have to find him.
Summon the Royal Army, tell them to search the Earth! Uh, you own over a hundred ducks, buddy.
Just play with one of the other ones.
No, but I want that one! Why can't I have this one thing?! I ask for so little! [BELL RINGS.]
Prince, the answer is no, okay? I've run off! - [DOOR OPENS, SLAMS.]
- Ugh! Damn it! [SIGHS.]
Oh, Mr.
Worm, you're my only friend.
Welp, back to being alone and having nothing.
I can't believe it.
My daughter the doctor.
I'm so proud.
Thanks, Dad.
Gotta say, I'm kinda nervous.
What if I fail? At least you're trying.
Most people in this town just punch the clock, but you're doing something you believe in.
Thanks, Mags.
Here I go.
Go, Doctor! Go, Doctor! She's a doctor.
- Dr.
Al! - Her name's Al.
My daughter's a doctor.
Her name is Dr.
Al! Welcome, Mr.
This is my colleague, Dr.
- Hello.
- Hello.
What seems to be the problem? Well, I've had this stuffy nose for the last few days, now.
Aha! That's a very common ailment.
Typical treatment for stuffiness of the nose region is we will have put leaches all over your penis, up and down, all over it, and your testicles, too.
Uh, and that will distract the mucus fairies, uh, from their dancing and their stomping.
And you have to drink your pee.
- My own pee? - Yes.
How much? All of it.
Don't drop a drip.
Everything that comes out, just stick it right back in your mouth.
In fact, you'd be best suited to just kick your legs over your head and piss in your mouth for the rest of your life.
All right.
All right.
Consider yourself doctored.
Uh, Dr.
Goodman? I'm sorry to interrupt.
Um, are you sure that this is the best procedure for a stuffy nose? I [CHUCKLES.]
Who's the doctor here? [LAUGHTER.]
Where is he? It's my first day.
I Yeah.
Can I consult with you in private, Dr.
Alexandra? Yeah.
Just relax.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
What? I don't know what I'm doing.
What? Help me! - [GULPS.]
- Okay.
Just Okay.
Just I want to get this straight.
You You're a total fraud? It didn't start that way, okay? A few years ago, I had this idea that I could fix people's bodies using medicine.
Sounded great, right? I pitched it to investors.
They went nuts.
And, sure, yeah, the science wasn't there, but I figured fake it till you make it, right? Cut to now.
I still haven't figured this shit out! [SOBBING.]
And the patients keep coming! Dr.
Goodman, this is wrong.
You need to stop doing this.
- I can't.
- Why not? Because I'm a weak man.
I once made a man with the flu eat his own dick.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, my God.
You there.
Where did you get that duck? Uh, what, you mean Bucket? Uh, I found him.
It was a miracle.
You know, until he came along, my entire life, I had nothing.
And now I have this one little thing that makes me happy.
I'm so I'm so grateful.
Vexler, make the dirty man give Henry back to me.
All right, how much? Oh, no, Bucket's not for sale.
- Trick him.
- Now, hold on there, pal.
I'm not just some rube, you know? You might be some slick-talking castle guy, but I've got one thing you don't street smarts.
- You see this magic egg? - I'm listening.
You could keep that one duck, or you could take this egg, and when it hatches, you will have four ducks.
And one of them will be Bucket? Oh, man, wow.
Are you sure you feel good about this? You're right.
He may try and follow us and steal Henry back.
Trick him further.
Yes, one of them will be Bucket, but only if you sit on this egg for a really, really long time.
Do I have to be naked? I mean I guess? Sold! [SIGHS.]
Finally, one piece of good fortune in my life.
- So, the doctor's a phony? - Yep.
And I guess I should have suspected something when he hired me off the street without checking my credentials or even knowing my full name.
Yeah, that was a red flag.
So, what are you gonna do now? Well, I'm gonna quit, obviously, and then I'm gonna blow the whistle on him.
I mean, the guy is a total con artist.
I need to tell people that this whole doctor thing's a sham.
Hi-eee! We just wanted to come over and say congrats on the big news.
What big news? Oh, your doctor stuff got you in the Time 100.
What's the Time 100? I scan the mists of time and divine which 100 souls have the most buzz! Whoa! That's crazy! Everyone's talking about you.
You're, like, a celebrity.
Wesley Pervert even rated your feet.
Guys, listen, I, um I need to come clean about the whole doctor thing.
Uh, first, I need to come clean.
Al, I know I've been really hard on you in the past, but the truth is, deep down [SIGHS.]
I was jealous.
I mean, you're so smart, and I think I always knew that someday you would accomplish things I could never dream of.
This is proof.
Yeah, it's almost like you won, you know? Sorry.
Um, you were gonna say something about being a doctor? Uh, I forget.
Well, here's to Doctor Al! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, Doc-tor Al! [ALL CHANTING "DOC-TOR AL!".]
You called for me? Something's wrong.
I can't stop thinking about that dirty man we tricked and left for dead in the woods.
And now I have this strange, painful feeling in my stomach.
You don't think he infected me with some poor-person disease, do you? I think what you're feeling is guilt.
I-I'm not familiar.
It's this feeling you sometimes have when you do something bad to someone.
Oh, do you think I did something bad to the man in the woods? Oh, yeah, it was super [BLEEP.]
I mean, that duck was all he had, and And you took it from him, even though you have a hundred ducks, and then you left him sitting alone, naked, on a rock.
It's psycho.
Well, make the guilt go away, please.
Mm, I think you need to do that yourself.
How? Well You took something from him and now you feel bad.
So, in order to feel better, you should? Just kill him.
All right, I'm gonna take some opium and go to bed.
Henry, why aren't you eating? Henry? Bucket? [QUACKING.]
- So, you're not quitting.
- Well, I was going to, but then I realized Dr.
Goodman's actually got some great ideas.
And I mean, yeah, the science isn't fully there yet, but I think if we just keep working at it, we can really help people.
Oh, so it's about helping people.
'Cause it seemed like it was just about impressing Mary Baker and her idiot friends.
What?! No! No, it is not about that.
Come on, this is something I believe in.
You'll see.
Me and Dr.
Goodman We're gonna change the world.
Snap out of it! We need to figure out medicine now.
You don't think I've tried? It's impossible! I mean, tell me what the [BLEEP.]
this thing is here, huh? What the [BLEEP.]
am I looking at right now? This big [BLEEP.]
thing made of bones? Okay, let's just start with the easy patients, yeah? - Okay.
- Like, uh, this guy He just has a headache.
No, I have an I have an I have an idea.
Okay, great.
What is it? - We could kill ourselves.
- What?! Yeah, blow our [BLEEP.]
brains out, take the easy way.
- Ohh! - Get it together, man! - [GROANS.]
- Okay, we are in too deep to quit! We just We just gotta fake it until we make it! All right, you're right.
these people.
If they're dumb enough to fall for this shit, they deserve what they get.
Yoo-hoo? Dad? What are you doing here? We have a little situation.
I found your brother naked in the woods, and, uh, he seems to have caught a bit of a chill.
Normally, I would just put him in front of the fire, but then I remembered we've got a famous doctor in the family.
So I figured I'd check with the expert.
Well, you certainly came to the right place 'cause we're real doctors with real medicine knowledge.
Great! Well, what do you suggest? Well, due to the client's cold temperature, I suggest we cut off his balls, and you should eat your balls.
Whoa! VIP treatment! - [CHUCKLES.]
- Pays to have connections, huh? Yeah! [CHUCKLES.]
Thanks, Al.
Let's get you in there.
All right, I guess, let's go kill this guy.
Hey, the doctor is in! Hey, dad, I was thinking, what if you, um, instead of doing this procedure, just take Mikey home? You can just put him by the fire, and he'll be fine.
But the doctor said we should feed him his own balls.
He was clear, Al.
Yeah, um, Dr.
Goodman is feeling a little off today.
A hard rain's gonna come.
And it's gonna wash all you bastards down the [BLEEP.]
He seems pretty sharp to me.
But, hey, if he's not up for it, maybe you can fill in.
I mean, you're a doctor, right? No, Dad.
I'm not.
And neither is he.
This whole thing's a scam.
Aw, geez.
Well [SIGHS.]
I'm glad you told us, but what about everybody else? You're right.
I've got to put a stop to this.
I'll see you guys at home.
Where are you going? To the media.
Hear ye, hear ye! I am the Town Crier! And you're watching "Good Morning Lower Murkford!" [APPLAUSE.]
My guest today is a rising star in the medical industry here to talk to us about her incredible work in Actually, um, it's It's actually, uh I'm I'm here to out Goodman as a fraud, and that it's actually a bad thing.
Okay, yeah, I gotcha.
My guest today is a whistleblower with a stunning revelation.
The Lower Murkford Center for Medicine and Haircuts is a scam.
I knew it! Dr.
Goodman is a fraud.
And so am I.
Oh, my God, that was so hard to watch.
Are you just, like, mortified? I would be dying.
So, what's the plan now? Do you just go back to shoveling shit? Yep, just like before.
Yeah, but now everybody, like, really hates you, even the Oracle.
Bitch! - Whoa! - Ohh.
- Shut up! - Ow! - Burn.
Forget these idiots.
I'll grab you a beer.
Thanks, Maggie.
Ah, there you are.
I've been looking all over for you.
Why? To give you this.
The egg isn't real.
It's just a regular rock.
What, you tricked me? Why Why would you do that? Well, to be honest, dirty man, I think it's because sometimes I can be a little selfish.
I'm trying not to be that way anymore.
I-I still have my blind spots, but hopefully this is a good start.
Well, thanks so much for bringing me back Bucket.
I-I really appreciate it.
I'd shake your hand, but my limbs are all stiff.
I'm still pretty cold.
Really? Huh.
I'm quite warm.
I have two coats on.
Sort of hot, actually.
Wait a second.
I can just carry this one.
See ya.
Okay, bye! [QUACKS.]
- Wow, shit week.
- Yeah.
But whatever.
At least I can just put it behind me now.
Next question.
This young psychopath recently attempted to swindle all of Lower Murkford by claiming to be a medical doctor when she was, in fact, dumb.
Yeah, that's me, Al Shitshoveler, right here.
Correct! 100 points to the horrible person sitting over there.
I'm proud of you, Al.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Listen, I'm sorry for what I said before.
You know, the b-word.
That was really not cool of me.
Anyway, friends again? I mean, we were never really friends, Oracle.
Please? Sure.
Okay, Oracle.
- Cheers! - Cheers.
Hey, whatever happened to the doctor? I don't know.
Fresh start.
Skip town.
Whole new look, whole new life.
Hello, I am Andrew.
I am an architect.
Build a house for you? Why, of course.
That is my job.
Oh, that's good.
- [SIGHS.]
- Off to Italy, baby! Cut my hair and changed my face I'm learning how to forget that place Buried my name to find a new And now they call me Lacy Loo Ow! Lacy Loo Ahhh Kept my head in the clouds And my skin still tough But my knees are weak in the city of love
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