Miracle Workers (2019) s04e02 Episode Script

The H.O.A

Freya. Freya! The house is under attack!
Assume battle positions!
Sid, it's okay. It's just me.
Oh. Whoa. Uh, what are you doing?
Putting up decorations.
What do you think?
- I mean, wow.
- Cool, right?
It's the heads of my enemies.
Yeah. No, I see that.
I guess I'm just worried
it might come across
as a bit spine-tingling.
- How do you mean?
- I'm just worried
that our new neighbours
aren't accustomed
to the casual horrors of the wasteland
in the same way that we are.
Gosh, Sid, I love you,
but I think you're way off base here.
You really need to see it
plugged in to get the full effect.
Yeah, you're right.
It is better like that.
Your subjects in Old New Jersey
can't pay your tribute on time
on account of
an extended Nuclear Winter.
- It's too bad for them. Crush them.
- "Crush them." Got it.
Uh, the Canyon People were hoping
they could have
their women and children back.
Hm. I guess you could do that.
Shut up. Crush them.
"Crush them too." Great.
Oh, uh, this note was left
for you on the door.
"Dear neighbour, you are
in violation of Rule 17.4
prohibiting unsanctioned
lawn ornamentation.
Please remove the decapitated
heads immediately.
Signed, the 'Hoa.'"
Who is this Hoa?
I don't know, but it sounds
Like some sort of mythical beast
or barbarian king.
Whoever it is, no one tells
Freya Exaltada what to do.
I will find this Hoa,
and I will destroy it.
That's right, Mommy.
You show 'em who is boss.
Give e'm the ol' one, two! Sure, sure!
You know what I love
about this job, Devon?
It's that we're doing
actual good in the world.
For instance, without us,
this doll would just be trash.
But now some child
will have a new best friend.
Aah! That one has a family
of scorpions living in it.
But the point remains.
I'm looking for the Junkman.
Ah. My package is here.
I was ambushed by bandits.
It was a slaughter.
Tell my wife I love her.
Yeah, sure, pal. Here's
a shiny beak for your troubles.
What is it?
They call it the Gigachron.
Rumour has it its power
transcends time and space.
And more importantly,
some rich schmuck is willing
to pay me a lot of money for it.
Alright. So, accompanying me
on this very important sale
Sid, my golden boy.
Hell yes!
I thought I was your golden boy.
Nope. It's Sid now.
In fact, Sid, why don't you take
Devon's desk from now on?
Devon, you go sit on that pile
of trash over there.
Alright, let's go, Sid.
Sorry, Devon.
Don't be sorry for Devon.
He's a piece of crap.
Hi. Yeah, uh, the pothole on Main Street
still hasn't been fixed,
and I tried to drive my car
over it the other day, and it
went into a bottomless pit.
- Aah!
It is I, Freya Exaltada.
I have come to slay the Hoa.
Ma'am, this is actually
the Homeowners Association.
If you'd like to file a complaint,
you need to wait your turn.
So you must be the leader here.
Surprising choice for an overlord.
Small, mousy,
resting bitch face.
Yes, I am the "overlord," I suppose.
Linda Sherman, HOA President.
Very well, Linda Sherman,
I challenge you
to hand-to-hand combat
for control of Boomtown.
Oh, no, we don't do that here.
If you want to be president,
you need to win an election.
An election?
Seems like an insane way
to pick a leader.
Very well.
If those are your terms
of battle, then I accept.
And I promise, when I am
president of the HOA
Ma'am, your time is up.
I will crush any
and all stand in my way.
- And there will be
Wow. Really?
[SCOFFS] That's crap.
I mean, I don't care, but that's crap.
Getting kind of a spooky vibe
from this place.
How How much do we know
about this buyer?
I assume he's like
a regular customer of yours?
Nope. Never met him in my life.
The Gigachron seems like
an awfully powerful device
to just be handing over
to a complete stranger.
Shouldn't we find out
what his intentions are
or run a background check?
At least get a copy
of his photo I.D., right?
Sid, relax. I've done
these deals millions of times.
I'm sure he's just some guy.
Gentlemen, Ugulus Sleeze
will see you now.
Wait, did she say his name
was Ugulus Sleeze?
See? Just some guy.
You have the Gigachron?
Yep. It's right here.
That'll be 30,000 bird beaks.
You said 20,000.
That was last week. Price went up.
I like your style. Get him his money.
I think we're good.
At last, the Gigachron
is within my grasp.
Okay, no, actually, just
I need to borrow my boss
for a very quick moment.
We need to discuss a business matter.
- Not about you.
- What are you doing?
- We're in the middle of a deal.
- Okay.
Does anything strike you as
concerning about the situation?
- How so?
- Oh, I don't know.
Maybe the fact that
Ugulus seems totally evil,
like his greed and depravity turned him
into something not quite human.
And also that it lives
in a pool of toxic muck,
which is maybe his life force.
I feel like any one of these things
should be a huge red flag.
He seems like a good guy to me.
Look, he's smiling
and he's being very respectful
about keeping his genitals
below the muck line.
It's just it's really important
to me that my job
doesn't conflict
with my personal values.
It doesn't.
I mean, look, of course,
if we knew Ugulus was a bad dude,
we wouldn't be
selling him the Gigachron.
But we can't go investigating
every single person
we do business with
for whether they've ever done
anything bad in their lives.
Nor should we.
That's not part of the job.
Okay? Congrats, Mr. Sleeze.
You are the proud owner
of one new Gigachron.
At last! The power! The power!
Oh, man. He's licking it.
- Okay, uh, well,
we should probably hit the road then.
Goodbye forever, Mr. Sleeze
Wait! We should celebrate.
Let us from suckle
from the teat of decadence.
Sounds nice, right? Suckling some teat?
Beep, beep. The party bus has arrived,
and, uh-oh, the bus driver
has been drinking on the job!
What the hell?
- Tai, you made it.
- Did the party bus make a wrong turn?
I thought this was going to be a rager.
Yeah, it's a raging local meet-and-greet
to get to know the candidate.
Help yourself to a lemon square.
We'll get started in a sec.
Oh, man, I can't believe I got
my robo penis polished
for this shit.
Would you like to make
a donation to the campaign?
- Every little bit helps.
- Oh, yes.
That sounds great.
Ah, shoot. You know, I forgot my wallet.
Oh, no. And I was going to give
so much money. Darn it.
[CLEARS THROAT] Testing, testing.
One, two, three. Hello, everyone.
So when you elect me
as your next HOA president,
I promise to rule with an iron fist.
Your houses will burn, chaos will reign.
And every day will be a barrage
of suffering and misery
until I grant you
the sweet release of death.
Um, yeah. No, I don't like that.
Okay. Well, it doesn't really
matter what you like,
because I'll be in charge.
Actually, kind of does.
Because these people won't vote for you
unless you listen to their
whiny little jerkoff problems.
Yeah, exactly.
Oh. Okay. Um okay.
let's try this again.
I would love to hear
about what you want,
because I care about you
and don't think that
you're a pathetic worm.
Much better.
Hey, great news.
I just remembered you can donate online.
Oh, my gosh. That's so great.
Why don't you send me an e-mail?
Yeah, my e-mail is fakename at
not-a-real-email-address dot nothing.
Got it. Is there a dot
between the fake and name?
Ooh, hachi machi! That's strong stuff!
Blossom is an ancient narcotic
used to access the great divine.
All I know is it's making me
want to bust a freakin' nut.
Hey, what's the matter, little one?
This is a glorious day.
When I unleash the power
of the Gigachron
Oh, no, no, no.
Actually, I think the less
I know about your plans
for the Gigachron, the better.
Why don't we talk about something else?
Did you grow up in this lair,
or did you move here after college?
The Sleezes ruled for generations before
before House Benevola overthrew
us, spreading peace in the land.
But that all changes tonight
when I unleash the power of the
No, no, no, no, no. Again. Again.
I do not need to know
what you're doing with it.
How about we will just sit here
and finish our drugs in silence?
Sure, sure. Mm-hmm.
I was just gonna say I'm gonna
blow House Benevola away
- with the Gigachron.
- Damn it, Ugulus! Why?
Mama, mama, mama!
I busted. [LAUGHS]
The Battledome used to be a
place where people could gather
and settle disputes.
Now it's covered in trash.
No one's been killed here in ages.
- It's a shame.
How dare you suggest your future
queen pick up your trash?
I should bite your friggin' nuts!
- Down, boy! Down! Heel!
- Let me at him!
I can tell he's got juicy ones!
Hey! Hey! Down, boy, down.
I'll do it.
No. You're Freya Exaltada.
You answer to no man.
I don't like it either,
but if this is what it takes
to crush Linda and rule the HOA,
I'll do it.
Time to take out the trash.
MAN: Hey, you're there.
We think what you're doing
is pretty cool.
Want some help?
Nice work, guys. We did it.
Hey, beautiful job.
So, do I have your vote?
I should have mentioned you.
I already voted for Linda.
What?! I I did exactly
what you asked for.
Yeah, but I always vote for Linda.
We all do.
In fact, she won the election.
by a landslide.
Hey, I'm ready to make
that donation now.
[GASPS] Oh, no. Did I just miss it?
Oh, is it too late?
Oh, no. I'm so sad.
The time has come
to unleash the power of the Gigachron.
Okay, so I have just spoken to
Ugulus, and long story short,
he is definitely evil.
Oh, jeez. He is?
Yeah, he was pretty explicit
that he's planning on using
the Gigachron to blow
a bunch of innocent people.
So obviously we can't work with him now.
But I also want to make a lot of money.
- So there's that.
- But, no, you you said
we were okay as long as we
didn't know what his plans are.
Now we do know what they are,
so, what, are we just gonna
throw away your morals for a paycheque?
See? You did learn something today.
The old order falls.
A new order begins.
- What did you do?
- I stopped Ugulus
before he could kill everyone
with the Gigachron.
The Gigachron isn't a weapon.
- It isn't?
- No.
It's a karaoke machine.
Oh, I remember this song.
"Waterfalls" by TLC.
Catchy tune.
Did you know it was about AIDS?
Don't go chasing waterfalls ♪
We find you guilty of the murder
of our beloved boss
and dear friend, Ugulus Sleeze.
Okay, wait. Timeout for just a second.
In my defence,
the guy did say he was gonna
blow everyone away.
Yes, he was going to blow them
away with his beautiful singing voice.
Ugulus was going to bring
the Gigachron to
Lord Benevola's birthday party
and finally end their silly feud.
Okay, but I mean, you can see
how I might have misinterpreted that.
The guy was an insane,
disgusting 30-ton monster,
- for God's sake.
- Whoa! So we're fat shaming him now?
No, no, I did That's not
So you just go around killing
every fat person you see.
People like you make me sick.
Can I say that I just hired
this guy, like, a week ago,
and he does not represent
the values of my business.
Okay, clearly
I owe everyone a huge apology.
I realise now that I have a huge
amount of work to do on myself,
and I appreciate all
of your support on that journey.
I am a work in progress.
[WHISPERING] Did that work?
- Kill them.
Ma'am, we found this holodex
at Mr. Sleeze's tank.
Hello, friends.
If you're seeing this,
then I'm already dead.
Reunited with my beautiful wife, Janine.
Aw, man. Dead wife.
In these polarised times,
with everyone's squabbling
over who's right and who's wrong,
we must remember that we're all human.
We must forgive and rebuild.
- Namaste.
- WOMAN: Namaste.
He's right.
You two are free to go.
It's what Ugulus would have wanted.
- Oh.
- Yeah. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I just Can I say
for the record as well
my favourite uncle struggled
with weight issues his whole life.
- Get out of here!
- Okay.
Sid, you've done enough harm
for one day.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
Linda Sherman!
Again with the door.
You had the gall
to challenge me in battle.
I declare
- defeat.
I was a fool to believe
I could challenge a ruler
as omnipotent as you.
Shame, 'cause I actually kind
of like helping the community.
But that's all in the past now,
and you must chop my head off.
No, we don't kill you if you lose.
- Huh?
- No, in fact, the person
who wins second place
automatically becomes vice president.
I mean, that is if you want it.
Oh. Uh, well, I hadn't considered that.
I mean I suppose
I could be vice president.
- If that's how it works?
- Yep. Hmm.
Thank you, Linda.
You are a merciful god.
My children's children will
sing songs of your greatness.
Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
FREYA: We're planning so much
cool stuff for the neighbourhood.
Every Sunday,
we're turning the Battledome
into a farmer's market.
Oh, and at the end of the month
we're hosting a huge blood orgy.
My idea.
How is this possible?
My infallible leader destroyed,
my entire sense of reality shattered.
Do I even exist?
Are we all but shadows dancing
upon a cave wall?
Aww, cheer up, boy.
Hey. Hey.
Truth is
this is all a part of my secret
plan to take over the town.
It is?
First, I have befriend the neighbours,
helping them with their issues,
offering a shoulder to lean on.
Then, after many years of
earning their trust and respect,
right when they least expect it,
the HOA will be mine!
Oh, hey, Frey-Frey.
The girls are coming over later
for wine o'clock if you want to join.
Yes, bitch. You know it, girl.
[LAUGHS] Okay, bitch!
wine o'clock is also part of the plan.
- Truly wicked.
- I know.
Thanks for the ride home,
and I'm really sorry again
about ruining your big deal
and killing that guy.
Yeah, it's fine.
I wouldn't be much of a mentor
if I gave up on you
after your first mistake.
You're still my golden boy.
Thank you.
Besides, at least today wasn't
a total bust. Check this out.
I stole it from Ugulus's nightstand
while the guards
were fishing out his dead body.
That's That's really bad.
Well, who's to say?
What if I told you
I was going to sell the watch
to buy more drugs?
That makes it much worse.
Eh, who's to say?
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have some important
business to attend to.
- Hi. I missed you.
- Hey.
Did you have a good day at work?
I don't know that the words good and bad
have any meaning for me anymore.
I did make money, though.
How was your day, Freya?
It was good. Thanks for asking.
Don't go chasing waterfalls ♪
Please stick to the rivers and
the lakes that you're used to ♪
I know that you're gonna have
it your way or nothing at all ♪
But I think you're moving too fast ♪
I seen a rainbow yesterday,
but too many storms ♪
Have come and gone, leaving a
trace of not one God-given ray ♪
Is it because my life is
10 shades of grey, I pray ♪
All 10 fade away, seldom
praise Him for the sunny days ♪
And like His promise is true,
only my faith can undo ♪
The many chances I blew
to bring my life to anew ♪
Clear blue and unconditional skies ♪
Have dried the tears from
my eyes, no more lonely cries ♪
Don't go chasing waterfalls ♪
Please stick to the rivers ♪
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