Miranda s03e06 Episode Script

1 Hello.
I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit down.
I've been in hiding since I blurted out that I love Gary.
I'm such a dweeby blurter.
He just wants to be friends.
I must duvet cocoon.
That's better.
I was so down that Mum came to stay and that just made it worse.
Is that the baddy or the goody? Goody.
He looks baddy.
Oh! Of course! I saw him in Spooks.
Why can't the elderly ever just watch television? Ooh, sex scene.
Reminds me of Brighton '72.
We played this amazing game of naked Twister Unacceptable! So I'm home alone and coping fine.
On my own pretending he's beside me All alone I walk with him till morning I love him But when the night is over he is gone.
I'm fine.
No, I'm fine, and I've now got a family to get over Gary.
So this is Larry, Barry, Carrie, Harry, Glengarry, and this is Sheila.
So Yeah, I'll be fine now.
I did think about going away, but even the travel agent was stressy.
We've got nice breaks in Lanzarote for two.
Oh, it's for one.
For one? Er Ooh, Madeira.
No, two sharing.
Hefty single supplement.
Single supplement! Why? If anything, WE should be compensated for the amount of times we've had to send ourselves Valentines cards.
Not that I've done that.
I have done that.
And we use less linen, less shower gel and much more minibar.
Maybe if you used more shower gel, you'd be less single.
Just trying to storm out.
Sticky hinge there.
Who needs relationships when kittens, the culinary phrase, "Pierce film lid," and this bad boy are in the world? I give you the cushioned lap tray.
Oh, yes.
Cue titles.
Oh! What, please, caller is happening, please, thank you? Thank you, to you, for asking, please.
I have made an executive life decisione.
In fact, go ahead, please, caller, thank you, to you, please.
What have you done today to make you feel proud? Today, Heather, hello to you I have begun a Gary-free life.
Happy in singleness.
Well, apologies, but we cannot hop aboard your life decisione.
We still think you should talk to him.
Don't we? Yes.
He's been busy on restaurant recces all week, neither of you has had the chance to really talk.
I can't.
Well, ending on an administration note, please use the skip outside for this nonsense.
Morning, darling.
Hello, Stevie, how are you? Well, I'm all Back to me.
I have an important announcement.
Your father and I I can't come.
You don't know what it is.
Already sounds awful.
On Saturday morning, your father and I are having a ceremony.
Where's it going? To renew our vows! Even the notion! As I say, I can't come.
Why not? Well, I will be washing the Queen's cheese.
Right, the timetable.
I've booked a dress fitting here in an hour, then you can help me write my vows.
I'd rather deep fat fry my face.
The florist is coming Hola les peepsicles! Arretez immediatement what you are doing for the Tilly O'Clock News.
Dong! We're just on me, Tilly, so Dong! And the headlines tonight I think I'm in love! I'm on a cloud Nine-gella! Smashing, now back to me.
No, no, Pen-pen, back to me.
So I'm going to bring him over later for proper introductiones, and then we can talk about Talk about my vows ceremoniones.
Back to me.
Back to me! Excuse me! I am getting over a man who I've been in love with for the last 14 years, who if I saw I would, literally, die of embarrassment.
And today is the beginning of my life as a committed spinster, so, if anything, back to me-ioniones Thoth-oth-oth-th! Committed spinster? She's already one step away from being the Local weirdo.
I am not weird.
Oh, no! I'm going it alone.
OK? I can manage.
I'm fine.
OK, no, it's fine.
I'm absolutely If I just Sorry.
I'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
Just No, that's, er Don't help me.
Don't help me.
I've got it now.
Just tell the driver not to move off, please.
You said you were going it alone.
Tell him there's an inadvertent passenger in his load, please.
Well, I really enjoyed the landfill site.
Oh, isn't she fabulous? I bet she's a cool, not weird, spinster.
Look at her sort of swishing.
Ooh, I instantly want her to be my new best friend.
Yeah.
Oh, hang on, I saw her first.
No, but she's more my kind of person.
- Oh, wrong, because you - Ooh! Yoo-hoo! Would you mind putting some postcards in here to advertise my painting and designing? OF course, yeah.
Ow! Oh, they're stunning.
Oh, wow, you're so clever.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, that was a view in Morocco, when I was living with a tribe for three months.
Oh, just living with a tribe for three months.
Oh, I had you pegged.
Don't touch her.
Creative, your own woman, travel, yeah, I identify.
Yeah, well, I try to be open, you know, go with the flow.
Hallelujah, sister.
Go with the flow.
You, flow? She doesn't flow, I fl- Yeah.
No, I flow, you know, break conventions.
I mean, last night, I had an After Eight at quarter past seven.
We're of the same elk.
Not elk, that's a deer.
Ilk.
Ilk.
Yeah.
So you've been single a lot? Well, it's important to be a free spirit.
Have you been to Morocco? HAVE I? Have you? No.
I don't swish like you, I sort of stress like a constipated meerkat.
Miranda.
Oh, Miranda.
I'm meeting your mum.
I'm designing the dress for her ceremony.
I'm Helena.
Helena, my new best friend.
I'm Stevie.
I love you.
OK Helena, I'm so sorry I'm late.
Bumped in to Bunty Lumley-Kendall.
She's had the most wonderful, what I call, idea.
It is an idea.
Tomorrow night at yours, Miranda, a Penny shower! Ah! Such fun! I'd rather be pecked to death by an angry blue tit.
Jennifer Truss-Funde is on eats.
She's thrilled with the distraction, because she's in the throes of a personal summer.
As in ghastly MENOPAUSE.
Now, I've nearly finished my vows.
Listen to this bit.
All I have on, I drop to the floor.
Gang, gang! I intro my beau.
Now! Now, now! Entree, entree, entree! Surprise, surprise, what? You and Ping Pong Charlie? Totes amazeballs! Feeling Tipsy, La-la and Po.
Teletubbies! And it's 100 percenter-tentacles not because the single pool is so teeny weeny.
Ahhh By the by, it's Cucumber Charlie now.
Funny story.
In the mess kitchen, stealing cucumber for illegal Pimmsy drinkus, chef comes in, cucumber down trousers, chef grabs, and the second time, he gets the cucumber! Smashing.
Now back to my vows.
No, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
How did this happen? Yes! In Cyprus.
Long story or short? Short! Sambuca, donkey, rumpy de pumpy! Eee-awww! Ooh! I'm loving it.
Loving the loving.
You don't need it, Miranda.
You just embrace aloneness.
Yes.
Correctomundomisinusacouscous.
I shall be a free spirit now.
Yeah, dine alone.
That proved it for me.
Dine alone! I will accept that challenge, sister.
Yeah! I will swish through life now.
This is me miming wearing a long skirt.
Yeah.
Ooh, it's gone a bit flamenco, hasn't it? Ooh, sorry, sorry.
No, sorry, that was just the stamp movement.
Sorry.
Swishing and flowing Hello.
I've got a reservation.
Miranda - table for one.
Oh, yes.
Table for one! Ooh, can we keep a bit low key? Is that all right? Ooh! Pick me, I come with cream or custard! Ooh! Sorry about that.
Thank you so much Oh, right.
Ooh! You sweep me up.
That's always an unnerving moment, isn't it? Good evening.
Feel a bit conspicuous.
Fake phone admin.
Important person.
Oh, hi, babe, are you stuck in traffic? Yeah the modelling job went on a bit, did it? Yeah.
Boyfriend.
What can I get madam? Madam would like a glass of Prosecco, and, er ooh, I think the seafood medley, which I presume means they'll be singing songs from the shows.
No, they don't.
No, I know.
'Twas a little joke.
Well, I wouldn't want to be seen by anyone, but madam's beginning to feel OK.
Gary! How you doing? I'm good, how are you? Very well, thank you.
Good to see you! This is lovely, isn't it? Ooh! That's a hearty moustache.
What are you doing? I'm just hiding from someone.
Yes, but you can't stay here.
Just for one moment, my furry friend.
Ooh! It's a bit sudden but, er OK, I do! Right.
Well You HAVE to laugh about all this! It's really funny, no? I think any minute now, you'll think, "How funny that she ruined the best moment of my life.
" So funny, isn't it? He finds it hilarious! OK! Now is it funny? Is it funny? No.
Now? Is it I'll just go.
Er, where have you been all morning? Estate agents.
I have made an even bigger life decisione.
I'm going to sell the flat, Stevie.
I'm going away.
What? Well, I'm always going to bump into Gary, and it's always going to be too painful.
Are you serious? No, you won't really go away.
You're all mouth and no trouser on the travel front.
Sometimes, literally, if you remember Marbella '96? Stevie, Stevie.
Belt stuck.
Belt stuck on the travelator.
Stevie! Stevie! I am going to Marbella! Marbella! I am ready to sow some travelly oats.
So Look at my free spirit, yeah.
What place springs to mind? Harpenden.
Harpenden? Yes.
You've got me all wrong.
No, I can be a Helena.
I know! Morocco! Yes, Miranda in Morocco.
They'll rename it Miracco.
I won't have to go to mum's vows.
Don't tell her I'm going.
I won't tell anyone.
Will you take the kittens? Of course, but are you really doing this? Yeah.
I am out of here, Stevie.
I shall maraca to Miracco.
Yeah? How is this, Harpenden? This This, my friend is exotic.
Nay, erotic.
Ah, three, four, five, six.
Well, it's less good with just the stick, but, er I can rock it.
Percussion! Ahh This is better.
Gary who? Well, don't judge me.
No, I know we've been here before, but you know how much I love a hotel room.
I just went to the bathroom.
The loo roll had a pointy tip! Is there a random spare pillow in the top of the cupboard? Yes, there is! Hotel slipper.
Brilliant.
Ooh Although always too small and hard to walk in, the hotel slippers.
Friction-tastic.
You ordered extra milk.
Yes, do come in, thank you.
I always find it takes at least 20, what I call, milklets to make a cup of tea.
We've met before.
Yes.
Oh, well, nice to see you again Jason.
You are lovely.
Youthful, yet rugged.
Now I wanted oh! Hi, yes, I wanted to order an early turn-down.
Thank you.
Oh, Jason! I knew it! You say you've gone abroad.
You're at the Hamilton Lodge.
Gary's been looking for you.
Oh, no! He says your phone's off.
No! I knew there was hope.
You're coming back! Get out of my duvet! I want to duvet cocoon.
Oh, stop cocooning! I'm stuck! OK, well, hold still, and I'll mount out.
Turn-down service I'll come back.
She was just mounting.
Don't say that.
You're blocking my exit! OK, everything you're saying.
Look, I'll go.
No, no, no.
Stay, stay, stay.
I think I can Ohh! That's better.
No! Sorry.
There we go.
Just, er Just turn me down, thank you.
It's 11 o'clock in the mo Oh! Wow! You're a bit Sorry.
Why do you even want a turn-down? Why do I want a turn-down?! Because you slip in, roll over, there's a chocolate! She doesn't need a turn-down service.
Just turn me down.
I might just go.
Turn me down! I'm going to start a new life With Jason.
It's from Gary.
He says, "If you're with Miranda, please tell her to come and talk.
" Right, you're not selling the flat or going anywhere without talking to him.
You'd regret it.
You're right.
Well We'll always have room 24.
I could slip in to the turn-down.
Oh, dear.
We're cougars! Sorry.
Sorry.
We've let ourselves down.
OK.
So sorry.
Quick! Last look.
Ohhh Free stuff! Get free stuff! Free stuff! I want a sewing kit! No A tiny little I'm taking a kettle! Oh, hi! Oh, I'm so relieved.
I thought you'd gone away.
So I need to say What? Oh, sorry.
I'll be in room 24.
Phwoar! Miranda, please don't go away.
I can't imagine you not being around, and I know I said just friends, but But what? But You can't say any more, Gary.
You don't have a but.
I mean, you have a physical butt.
Your physical butt is second to none.
Sorry.
But, um Well, you'll never man up for your emotional but.
So This lady has a-flown.
She is a-sailing.
I swish now.
That's a chair.
That's a chair.
I swish now.
Right.
Is that all of you? Now, Stevie's taking me to the airport, and then she'll come and get you, OK? Well, at least we had a great last round of our favourite game.
Where's Miranda? 'Unidentified item in the bagging area.
' Funny! Bye, flat.
I'm sorry I had to sell you, but I hope you have some lovely new owners.
I'm talking to a flat.
Aww 'Please hold the handrail, and disembark safely.
' Health and safety gone mad! It's just an escalator.
Ooh! Surprising! Ooh! Right, this is it.
I'll miss you so much.
Bye.
Why the zigzag when there's no-one here? Is this your bag, madam? Yes, is there a problem? It is now a suspicious package, madam.
Excuse me.
I do not have a suspicious package.
Well, it looks like a pretty suspicious package to us.
Well, if you don't pardon the euphemism, you're more likely to have a suspicious package.
Do you want to let the cat out of the bag? Open the case, please.
Ahh Someone needs to let the cat out of the bag I'll need to report this.
Well, she obviously just got in there when I was packing.
Can't you put her in a taxi to my home? Because I've got to get a flight.
I'd get in to trouble if I didn't let the cat out of the bag about letting the cat out of the bag.
You may not have noticed, but I didn't find the cat in the bag joke funny the first time.
Someone needs to let the cat out of the bag.
Terry, did you hear what I said? Because she's got a cat in her bag.
Oh, yeah, look.
Someone needs to let the cat out of the bag.
Someone needs to let the cat out of the bag.
If I hear cat in the bag one more time, I will blow.
I swear, I will blow! Ooh! Oh! Well, in some ways, this has ended how I'd like it.
Tena pads! Oh, there you are, darling.
You've just missed Pass the HRT Parcel.
Now it's time for Pin the Tail on Carol Vorderman's rear of the year.
Oh, big one! What are you doing? I'm on an emotional rollercoaster here.
Sheila was in my bag.
Don't laugh.
Oh, Stevie, I was so ready to go.
Grab the globe.
Wherever it lands, you go.
Right.
I bloody love Vorders! Ooh! Wick? Tippety top of Scotland.
In the UK, can go by train.
No suntan lotions, no bikinis, lots of batter.
Look up times, my petite amigo.
With my body I honour you as often as you need a good honouring.
There's one at 9:00am But you'd miss the vows.
Book it, book it! BOOK IT! Right.
This is it.
I'm sorry, but I'm leaving home and there was swelling music, so Tyrone! Look what this woman done! Wait! I'm on the wrong train.
I'm on the wrong bleeding train.
Wait! Ooh! Stevie told you.
And I came straight away.
I've got something to say.
Oi! There she is.
Youths! Youths? Run! Oh, Miranda, what have you done now? Run! Wait for me! Come on! They won't be able to run for long.
Their trousers will trip them up.
Come on! And you were right, I needed to Need to man up.
I'm just sorry it's taken me so long.
So When Stevie told me that you were leaving, I knew what I had to do.
I had to let you go.
But There's a but.
Yeah, I'm manning up for my but.
Don't! But I realised I can't let you go.
Cos it's it's always been you.
Nice but.
Are you sure, Gary? Cos I sculpt fruit and call them names.
And when my breasts are bra-free, I can fit not just a pencil under them but both remote controls - it's where I keep them.
Wow! Was the remote control thing that sexy? No-one can match up to you.
I love you.
What are you doing? Bored of you already! What? I've got to go to the restaurant.
Oh! They're going to be back from the ceremony in like ten minutes.
OK.
Er I'll change and come over.
OK.
I forgot to say And we need the survey done as soon as possible.
Found it! Oh! You?! You're buying the flat? Well, I'm sorry, but actually, it is no longer for sale.
But we Oh, sorry, it's not just you that's all loved-up.
Bye.
Listen, I've really, really I've got to go.
OK.
I'll just, er I'll see you in a sec.
See you later.
OK.
Hello.
Hi! Mmm! This is so weird.
I know! Shall we tell everyone? Oh, let's just wait for a bit.
I don't think I can.
Today? Everyone's here.
I mean, let's just wait and then What? Well, the thought of telling everyone and you froze.
OK, I'm scared.
I think, can I meet your needs? Can I Yeah, you see, I know that you think that I'm needy but I'm not actually.
I am with you because you never affirm, Gary.
If a man says, "I love you," then that's all she needs.
I can't go for this if you're holding back.
Just be patient, please, for me? Ooh! You've had more farewells than Cher.
Are you staying? I don't know.
That was quick, you're back! Oh! Darling! Oh, there's someone here who'll be delighted.
Where's he gone? Mike! What are you? Are you back for good? Well, that depends on Well a few weeks in Africa was enough for me to know.
Miranda Will you marry me? What do you say? Well? What DO you say? What do YOU say? Miranda? Er OK.
Miranda Will you marry me? You're just saying! Just say yes! To who? It doesn't matter! Miranda?