Misfits s04e03 Episode Script

Series 4, Episode 3

I see all these girls coming on to him.
I think he might be gay.
We have found a spacious, rent-free hall.
You mean you're moving into the community centre? We're going to be flatmates.
I'm your new probation worker.
You cross me and I will fuck you like you have never been fucked before.
Who are you? I'm Lola.
I'm a trainee probation worker.
You're a trainee probation worker? Is that going to be a problem for you? Get your stuff.
Time to go.
Where to? Take me home.
Looks like rain.
Will you behave? Honestly it's shaping up to be a beautiful day, this.
It's full of wonder, and endless possibility.
Look at it.
Are you sure you don't need it? No.
Take it.
It's yours.
Look at you.
All grown up.
I remember when you used to have nightmares.
You used to get into bed - my bed - and we'd snuggle up.
You were all snuggly.
Was I? Look, just because me and your dad aren't together any more You know I'm still here for you, right? Sure.
Great.
I think we're good to go.
OK.
So that was fucking weird, eh? What? The thing with your step-mum coming onto you.
What? She wasn't! Mmm.
That? That's just how she is.
She's she's very affectionate.
When she wants to fuck someone.
She used to have sex with me dad.
You know, there are bounds, whatever they are, and we - me and her I'm out of them and so is she.
Just out of bounds.
So if I'd have had sex with your dad, you wouldn't sleep with me? Jesus.
Now I've got an image of you having sex with me dad.
Uh-huh.
Was it from behind? It is now! I fucked your mum.
I didn't.
So, new TV.
Big moment.
You could come over later and watch a DVD.
You live in the Community Centre.
I'm not going all the way home and coming back, again.
You could not go home and watch a DVD.
All right.
Just as long as you're not one of those man-child wankers who's obsessed with Star Wars.
It's Harry Potter with me.
You know what really intrigued me about the whole franchise? At what point does it become OK to want to fuck Hermione? Me? I'm a Goblet Of Fire man.
Yeah? Yeah.
Eh, don't forget to sign on.
How do they expect us to survive on single benefits when there's two of us? I'm not sure the benefit system was designed for situations like ours.
Go and see Mum and Dad.
See if you can't guilt-trip them into giving you some money.
Steal if you have to.
Dad usually keeps a couple of quid under that crappy polar bear paperweight thing.
Look, I'm not your slave.
Go and get some crisps.
Cheese and onion.
No, fuck it, let's go exotic - prawn cocktail.
Do you want to be Rudy One, or do you want to be Rudy Two? I'll be Rudy Too - spelled T, double O, because I am.
I get it.
Will you What's wrong with me toothbrush? You don't have a toothbrush.
I'm sharing with Finn.
Does he know that? Does he need to know that? Look, you take care of your teeth and I'll take care of mine.
You really are a petty, selfish little man.
There's no crisps for you.
Just fuck off.
Yeah.
Fuck it.
"I'll be Rudy Too - T, double O, because I am.
" You fucking What, did you forget something? Is that a ukulele? What the bloody hell are you doing with that? You know them things remind me of him.
Yeah, well, when you're locked in a prison cell 23 hours a day, there's not much else to do than masturbate and play ukulele.
What? No hug? What are you doing here? I came to see you.
I feel at least you owe me an apology for getting me sent down.
I don't know what you're talking about, mate.
You two sent me out to get us some Curly Wurlys.
The police just so happened to know exactly where I'd be.
You're a fucking psychopath.
You're a liability, mate.
You nearly battered that guy half to death.
I taught him a valuable lesson.
You bit his frigging ear off.
He should've listened.
What's the point in having ears if you don't use them? Yeah, what about his nose? His nose was just for the comedy.
I've got a present for you.
Have you? I believe this is yours.
Ah, you're all right.
I've gone off them.
They're they're very sugary.
You know Take it.
Take it.
I don't want to.
Take the fucking candy bar, take it! Take it, take it.
Fuck it.
What do you say? Thank you.
That wasn't so bad, was it? Please, please Bye-bye.
Oh, you handsome bastard.
Hello.
Was there something you wanted? I like watching other people work.
You can take over if you like.
Nah, I'm good, thanks.
Now scrub the fucking wall.
Are you allowed to talk to us like that? Are you going to report me? Scrub it.
Fuck you.
Is this some kind of power trip to you? Now he's getting it.
You know, maybe I came down here last night and graffitied all over the walls just so I could watch you scrub it off.
Yeah.
Right.
Sure you did.
You intrigue me.
Just to restate the obvious, me and you is never going to happen.
From what I can see, it isn't going to happen with anyone.
When was the last time you even got laid? Fuck off.
Has it been a while? What are we talking, like, a couple of months? Six? A year? How do you know it still works? One thing's for certain.
You'll never find out.
What happened? Did someone hurt you? You don't know anything about me, so don't act like you do.
You act all tough and sassy.
That's an act.
I see right through you.
Take your hand off me.
Or what? We're just talking.
You stay the fuck away from me.
I can't, I can't do that now.
I'm drawn to you.
You're special.
I enjoyed our little chat.
To be continued, yeah? You're acting again.
We forgot the remote control for the TV.
There's no remote.
And to a guy, that's like losing a testicle.
It's like losing three testicles.
We need to go round to Lisa's to get it.
And by "we", I mean you need to drive me round there.
And there's no way you can just get up and walk over to the TV when you need to change channels? Is that a joke? This isn't the '70s.
OK.
Whatever.
Are you OK? This whole thing with inviting me over to watch a DVD.
It's cos you want to get in my knickers, right? Is that a trick question? I just want you to be straight with me.
It's not a deal breaker.
It's not like I need to be fingering a girl to enjoy a movie, you know far from it.
I mean if we're going there, I'll settle for a kiss, maybe a feel of your tits.
Are we haggling? I feel like I'm in a Moroccan souk.
Go and get the remote control.
Right.
I forgot the remote control.
Were you checking me out? What? No.
Who? I, I was The remote control.
Thank God.
It's like losing three testicles.
Finn, relax.
It's not like you haven't seen my arse before.
At least you think I've got something worth looking at.
I should probably go.
What? When I was with your dad, did you fancy me? No.
Why would you? You're No.
Well, I'm closer to your age than I am your dad's.
I know what teenage boys are like.
Not this one.
I'm like exams, sport, girls me own age.
I know you used to, um, masturbate over those topless photos of me.
You've got the wrong guy.
Er, I found them hidden under your mattress.
You know I probably shouldn't say this but I liked it.
The thought of you touching yourself while you looked at me.
Long time ago.
It's all a blur.
Can I please just get the remote control? Sure.
Thanks.
I still think of you, looking at me.
That's nice.
Are you out of your fucking mind? I think about you and me.
You shouldn't be doing that.
Oh, yeah? No.
What the fuck!? No, no, no.
Don't do, don't do that.
No, no! Yes, yes Shall we go to bed? I just need to use your bathroom.
One remote control.
Mission accomplished.
Let's go.
Are you OK? I'm good.
Remote control in hand.
Start the engine.
You come in my mouth and then you go running back to your girlfriend! Good one.
She's hilarious.
Mental.
Drive the car.
Your boyfriend just put his cock in my mouth.
In her dreams.
Jess.
I'm sorry.
It was an accident! These things happen! I'm such a mess.
I'm such a fucking mess.
Probably best not to tell me dad about any of this.
I really don't see it helping anyone.
You're walking away? You're just like him, you're just like your dad.
He's definitely taller.
I thought you liked me? I do.
I like your hair.
I just I have to I've left a chicken in the oven.
I went to go and see Mum and Dad.
Mum's not very happy.
She says she caught Dad staring at some woman's tits in the Happy Eater.
Dad said he was admiring her blouse, which seems very unlikely.
I don't know why he puts up wi' her shit.
He should cave her skull in with that crappy polar bear paperweight.
What's up with you? It's more a question of what's in me.
Have you taken an E? You're high enough as it is.
I'm, I'm sitting this one out, thank you very much.
Absolutely ridiculous idea you stu It's you.
Nice to see me, to see me.
What have you done wi' him? Where's Rudy one? He's in here.
Ain't he? What d'you want? If you want to get psychological? I reckon Freud would probably say I wanted to fuck me mum.
I'd say, "Freud you haven't seen our mum lately.
Maybe Auntie Barbara.
" Auntie Barbara's dead.
Well then, I guess she's off the menu.
We'll leave town.
We'll do whatever you want.
Just please let him go.
You think he's your friend? When I pitched up here this morning, he had your toothbrush up his arse.
It was a joke man! Get back in there, you.
That's the last we'll hear from you.
Bollocks.
Fuck.
So that was weird, right? The whole crazy thing with Lisa.
I can explain.
You can explain how you fucked her? I didn't fuck her.
Who's that? His stepmum.
He's a stepmother-fucker.
Oh, man! One, she isn't me stepmum and two, I didn't fuck her.
She just sucked him off.
You're a stepmother-sucker? One, I didn't suck anything.
Two, she's a woman, she hasn't got a penis.
Oh, she's the stepmother-sucker.
No! One, she isn't me stepmum.
Two Can we talk about something else? So she did suck you off? Only technically.
It was an accident.
You tripped and inserted your cock in her mouth? We're in the kitchen and suddenly she starts going down on me.
Before I could stop her, she gets me out and rams it in her and I was like, "Whoa!" And then I was like Coming in her mouth.
Thank you.
I think everyone got it.
If you really wanted to stop her, you could have grabbed a fork and then rammed it in her eye.
Perhaps a little extreme? Why don't you just tell the truth? Oh, I'm sure you put up a huge fight, but then you felt the tip of your cock slide into her mouth and it were all warm, weren't it? And wet and grabby.
"I am getting my dick sucked! I am fucking invincible!" You just had to spray your seed down the back of her throat, you couldn't help yourself.
Do you know why? Cos you're pathetic.
You deserve better.
Prick.
Aren't you? Someone's got his period.
Jess.
You're full of shit.
Stepmother-sucker.
Sweet.
She isn't my step What are you doing? Nothing.
I wasn't doing anything.
Don't lie to me.
Because if there's one thing I hate more than paedophiles it's liars.
OK.
I'll definitely remember that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's the magic word? Excuse me? Say the magic word.
Excuse me.
That's two words.
Word.
Singular.
Try again.
Please? Please? Please, what? II don't know.
I don't know the magic word.
Were we given a magic word? The magic word is "potato".
Potato.
Hi.
Drink? Vodka.
Ice? You going to pay for that? Are you going to make me pay for it? You sure you're a trainee probation worker? Because you don't act like one.
Maybe I only want to be a probation worker so I can meet bad boys.
Is that right? Finn.
What're you doing here? I wanted to talk to you about yesterday.
Right.
OK.
Always good to talk.
I didn't mean to freak you out.
I-I know I came on quite strong.
You probably think I'm insane.
No.
You're, you're kooky.
You're definitely kooky.
I don't want you to think of me as as your stepmum.
I don't, because you aren't.
You and Dad never married.
Never married.
Right.
So there's there's no reason that we can't be together.
Except there is.
I'm dying.
No, I'm obviously not dying.
I could be.
Finn, I know it's complicated.
I know you have feelings for me and the last thing that I want to do is mess it up.
We can take things slowly.
Slow is good.
Slow is very good.
Let's slow things right down, to a crawl.
Why don't you come round tonight? We can talk Tonight? Is is that slow? That seems pretty fast.
Do you like me or not? Of course I like you.
OK? I like your hair.
So you'll come round tonight? I'll cook your favourite.
Excellent.
They've been there all night.
I'll leave them to it, then.
Well, do you want a drink? I was going to have one before we close up.
OK.
What do you think she's thinking? I think she's thinking, "Why is Curtis drinking with a trainee probation worker?" Maybe she thinks we're fucking.
Would you like people to think that? I guess it depends.
On what? Whether we are.
Good night? It's work, you know.
So, erm where's that guy I always see you with in here? Careful.
That sounds like you're interested in me and from what I hear, you're not interested in girls.
You think I'm gay? Who told you that? Curtis.
He said you're always knocking back girls when they come on to you.
And that makes me gay? I don't know.
Does it? Having sex with men - that makes you gay.
So if you're not gay, how comes you knock all these girls back? Well if I was really smooth then I would look you in the eye and I would say, "Because they're not you.
" I could see a girl going for that.
Not me.
Other girls.
I should close up.
D'you want to come back to mine for a drink? Forget I asked.
No.
It's just, erm Sure.
Be right back.
My, er My neighbour's just called me.
He said my flat's been broken into.
I have to go.
If you didn't want to come back to mine, why didn't you just say? You make up some bullshit story? It's not like that.
What is it, then? It's not you.
You scared the shit out of me, you stupid prick! What are you doing? Following you.
You know what? I'm really not in the mood for your creepy shit! Bad night? Do you want to talk about it? What's your problem? What do you want from me? Do you want to fuck me? You know what? Get it out of your system.
Go ahead! Come on! Fuck me! Don't talk like that.
That isn't who you are.
You're better than that.
So now you don't want to have sex with me? I want to give you something pure and something honest.
I see them cunts, lying to you.
They don't know how special you are.
They're not fit to lick the shit off me own boots.
Me? I'd find the dog that did that shit and I'll wring its furry little neck.
That's quite a speech.
Hmm, I'll never lie to you.
See you tomorrow.
Lisa.
Hey! I'm really sorry I couldn't come round last night.
It's a funny story.
Don't do that.
Lisa! Lisa! Listen, listen to me! Do not tell me Dad! Lisa? Lisa?! Dad? Hi.
I really need to do some exercise.
I just thought I'd swing by.
Why's that? You know, cos I wanted to let you know I love you.
I don't say it enough.
I love you, Dad.
Lisa told me.
She's lying.
She's a fucking liar! Well, what did she tell you? She told me what happened.
Oh, did she? She says she sucked your cock.
What's she like? What a crazy thing to say! Fuck! I tried to stop her.
She's on her knees, ramming my cock in her mouth like a starving African at a food camp.
It sounds worse than it is.
You f How could you do that? Jesus, Finn! Dad, I'm sorry.
It's fucking sick! That's your stepmum.
Is it? You two never married so Oh, right! Dad, I am so sorry.
Look, I'm not your dad.
You think I'm fucking joking? I'm not your dad.
I took you on.
And I raised you, even though I knew you weren't mine.
You f You do this to me? Wh-wh-what are you talking about? Of course you're me dad.
You have to be.
Look at us.
Look how short we are! You're not mine, Finn.
You never were.
So now you know, you can fuck off.
I am going to tear each and every one of you a new arsehole.
You! You're down for two.
Is there a problem? Shut it, Snoop Dogg.
Snoop Dogg? Which one of you little fuckers stole the wedding cake? I think the bride ate it.
I saw her earlier.
She is no stranger to the dessert trolley.
You're on three.
Three arseholes.
My office, one at a time.
We'll start with you, my little princess.
Why me? I didn't take anything.
"Why, Mama?" You all just made my list of people to fuck up today.
I guarantee you won't shit right for a week.
So who took the cake? Odds are it was a fat person.
Cos they're weak, and they're craven, and they fuckin' love cake.
Testing, testing, one, two, three.
Where's the probation worker? I hate to disappoint you but the probation worker won't be joining us.
How come? Cos somebody's locked him in the toilets.
He's not a happy man.
Have you thought about what I said to you? What's happened to you? You changed.
I tell you what.
I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
I'm talking secrets, rather than genitals.
Why should I tell you anything? What's the point in talking if it's just more bullshit? OK.
You first.
You're different.
What's going on with you? There's three of me.
There's the two you've met already, and then there's me.
I'm a whole different person.
It's your go.
Someone hurt you, didn't they? Who was he? I thought he was my best friend.
Where are they, the other Rudys? What's the saying? You, er, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
They're your enemies? Now it's my turn.
This bloke.
What did he do? I used to have an eating disorder.
I wasn't, I wasn't very happy.
Danny was there for me.
He was the only person I could talk to.
I told him stuff.
Things I've never told anyone else.
We started sleeping together.
Just like that, he stopped calling me.
He moved on to some other messed-up girl.
He befriended her.
And then he fucked her.
I took some pills and washed them down with a bottle of vodka.
I guess I wanted to die.
Everything he has ever said to me was a lie.
Where were you before? I was in prison.
The two other Rudys betrayed me, set me up.
Betrayed by the two people I was closest to.
Have you been with anyone else since him? I haven't even kissed a guy in over three years.
Why were you in prison? I enjoy hurting people.
What do you want from me? All my life, I've wanted to know what it would feel like to kill someone.
From the moment I saw you, I knew you were the one.
I want to know what it feels like, to slowly squeeze the life out of your body.
I want to feel you go limp in my hands.
I want to share this with you.
Don't struggle.
Ssshhh.
You're so beautiful.
You lied to me.
Let the other Rudys go.
It's over.
Let them go.
Kiss me.
Let them go.
Kiss me.
That wasn't so bad, was it? You get out there now.
Get yourself some cock.
Promise me.
I promise.
Yeah.
Let them go.
Please.
For me.
What does it feel like? To kill someone? It's horrible.
Seriously? Where's the fun in that? I'll get the shovels.
Your dad isn't your dad? So wait, who is your dad? Turns out me mum was a bit of a slut.
No.
Quite a lot of a slut.
A huge, gigantic Oh, I'm trying not to think about it.
No, it just could be anyone.
Could be me, could be him.
Except you would have needed to travel back in time.
It was him.
He had the power to rewind time.
I didn't travel through time to fuck his mum.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna side with him, because of the whole skin tone thing.
So, going over here.
I'm sorry.
The whole Lisa thing.
I'm a fucking idiot.
Are we Are we OK? You are a fucking idiot and a total prick just a really big, purple bell-end.
We're fine.
So if you're not doing anything later, d'you want to not go home and watch a DVD with me? Some other time.
Stabbing someone to death with a pair of scissors.
Not really a popcorn moment.
I got you a present.
So you are a bad boy after all.
That is fucking nice cake.
What needs to be done needs to be done.
You're going to bring him back to life, aren't you? You used me.
He says he's going to kill me.
I think Curtis is in trouble.
I'm not going to let that happen.
He attacked me.
Have you got any jelly? What do you need jelly for? I would've thought that was pretty friggin' obvious.
Check that out.
Where are you, you little shit? Come on! Some things were just not meant to be.
Are you sure we can't manufacture some sort of a happy ending?