Misfits s05e07 Episode Script

Series 5, Episode 7

It's a man.
He's trapped in here.
If you want to be with me then we have to tell Finn.
You are to become an agent of Satan.
Meam tenebris.
I've got the power to fuck powers out of people.
I cause accidents.
Your mate said you'd take my power.
Use your power, Alex.
Be a superhero.
You're Alex, aren't you? Mm-hm.
I need you to take my power.
Is that right? And what power might that be? I've got hypnotic tits.
Can we just get this over with? Is that it? Did it work? Yeah, yeah, I guess it did.
Um, I didn't get your name.
That's because I didn't give it to you.
Well, do you want to stay for a drink? I know you're supposed to have the drink before you shag, but, er Or can I just get your number? Because then I thought it would be nice if we could if we could see each other again.
Everyone, we've got an announcement to make.
So tomorrow's the one-year anniversary of the storm.
Thus it is my birthday.
And mine.
I'm gonna be one.
Well, that's just fucking weird.
Well, we've having a party here at the Community Centre and you're all invited.
Question.
Yes, there'll be a buffet.
I accept your invitation.
So it's going to be like a normal first birthday party but instead of pass the parcel and little paper hats, there'll be vodka and drugs and people fucking each other.
Ah! Mm-mm.
Yeah.
Helen'll be there.
I just I really want you to meet her, man.
Please come.
Yeah, all right.
I might pop down.
I'll have a sausage roll.
You have got sausage rolls, haven't you? Fuck's sake! I'll get the sausage rolls.
OK.
Oh, yeah.
I am .
.
looking for a girl.
I think she might have been at your support group.
Finlay! My child! Please, I insist.
Anything you want.
Anything up to the value of Now, may I suggest E7? That is the Bounty bar.
Truly is a tropical taste sensation.
Why are you being so nice to me? No rea Dude, what the f? When did you get so cynical? Whatever happened to me bright-eyed little sunbeam, with his little hatful of hope there? The reason is I'm going I'm going out with Jess.
I've said it.
I'm sorry, man.
You think that's funny? Dude, I'm not joking, Finn.
We are.
We're boyfriend and girlfriend, Finn.
We We fuck and stuff and spoon.
We're shagging.
We're fuck spoons.
Did you really think I was going to fall for that?! Fuck's sake.
Jess likes pretty boys, like me .
.
and Alex.
Just You're not her type, mate, trust me.
Unbelievable! Unbe-frigging! Fuck you, dude.
Snack revoked.
You'll have to buy your own Bounty bar, dickhead.
I will.
Do.
What are you doing here? You forgot to say thank you.
For what? For, um helping you out.
The way I see it, we both got what we wanted.
I got rid of my power and you got an easy fuck.
Right, OK.
So that's That's what you think I'm about? I just go around just .
.
shagging anything that moves for the fun of it.
I don't know what you're about.
Look, I I've had sex with men .
.
girls that were Oh, well, she was battered, covered in blood, and, look, all I'm trying to do is just help people.
Wow, you're all heart! So you are just going to use me and walk away, then? There's a party at the Community Centre tomorrow night.
Give me a chance.
I appreciate what you did for me, all right? Thank you, if that's what you need to hear.
But I don't owe you anything.
So leave me alone.
You are still coming, aren't you, to the party? I told you, mate.
I'll be there.
Yeah, I know, but it's just a bit of a big deal.
It's the first time we're all gonna be in the same place at the same time.
You know, the, er the, er .
.
the Jumper Posse.
Mate, that has got to be the worst fucking name for a gang of superheroes I've ever heard.
Oh, just We'll work on it.
Wait! Addiction .
.
is a weakness.
And weakness must be stamped upon.
Oh, no, it's It's not all for me.
It's my birthday.
Oh! We're having a party.
Oh! You're having a party? Yeah.
In my Community Centre? Am I invited? N-No.
No, you're right.
I mean, why would you want some miserable old cunt hanging around .
.
spoiling all your fun? Well, it's not as if we're friends.
We're not fucking friends.
Probation Worker, are you saying you'd like to come to our party? Would you like me to come to your party? Yeah.
What time does it start? About nine.
See you about nine, then.
Are you all right? Here he is.
I just I wanted to talk to you before everyone else gets here, that's all.
Here, before you start waffling on .
.
I got you a present.
Have ya? What is it? Have a look.
Eh? It's a pill.
Yeah.
Well, shit, man.
Apparently my dealer doesn't do book tokens, so # Ta-da! # You know I don't do drugs.
Oh, yeah! Shit! No point in wasting that, then, is there? Did you even get me a card? Did you get me anything? No, I didn't get you a birthday card because today isn't actually your real birthday, is it? January 7th - that is our birthday.
No, that's YOUR birthday, isn't it? Today.
Today is my birthday.
Now, just I've been thinking about this a lot and I think we need to split up.
Now, we're spending more and more time apart.
You know, since I met Helen .
.
I feel more confident in meself, you know, and who I wanna be.
You know, I just I hope we can still be friends.
I just I just I do, and I need to stand on my own two feet now.
I need to I need to be me own person.
Shit, yeah! Of course.
Of course you do.
Yeah.
Well, you'll be fine.
You'll be all right.
Yeah.
You You'll be fine.
You'll be fine.
Happy birthday.
Eh? Yeah.
Is this it? Maybe.
At least you lot are here.
And Mark.
Oh, well, it's all about Mark, isn't it? Cos he can really make or break a party, can't he - Mark? Fucking hell! Oh, my God! What the fuck is he doing here, dude?! Oh, yeah, I invited the probation worker.
But why?! Great! Just when you think the party can't get any shitter! Fuck it.
I'm just going to get this shit out of the way.
I've got you all a present, actually, cos it's been one year since the storm.
Here you are, dude.
Here you are, love.
Finlay.
Abs.
It's a pill.
And no, I didn't get a fucking gift receipt, so happy anniversary, you dickheads.
What is wrong with you, Little Miss Sunshine?! Nothing, actually.
I'm having a great time! I'm going to go for a drink for everybody.
Do you want a drink? I'll get you a drink.
You came.
Oh, yeah, I was coming anyway.
I'm here with my friends from the support group.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah, obviously.
Um well, um So have a good night.
Hiya, I'm Abby - the birthday girl.
All right? All right? Hiya.
This is, um Helen.
You're Rudy 1.
Rudy.
It's just Rudy.
Should be a good night, eh? Doubt it, dude.
Don't usually throw parties.
Long story short - we shat ourselves.
On a bouncy castle.
Got a bit messy.
Do you remember? Mum and Dad lost the deposit.
I'm sure he'll tell you all about it, won't you, mate? It wasn't that bad.
I forgot to say happy birthday! Did you? Oh, come on! Oh! I'm, er I'm just gonna go and see if any of the others are here, all right? Yeah? Oi! D'you know, this is your fuckin' fault, this is? Eh? You're filling his head wi' all these big ideas.
He's going off being his own person, doing his own fuckin' thing.
D'you know what you're doing? You're trying to split up the band.
Me and him are the fuckin' Beatles, mate, and you're just that yodelling Chinese woman.
Yoko Ono? Yeah.
She's Japanese.
Is she? Yeah? Well, when it all goes fuckin' tits up it'll be me that he comes running back to, won't it, with his tiny little penis between his legs? Look, we're together, and if you can't deal with that then I guess you'll just have to go fuck yourself.
Oh, you fuckin' I can't find Here he is! I can't I can't find 'em.
I'll help you find them.
See ya later, Rudy 1.
See you in a bit.
Fuck's sake! He is.
He He's leaving me.
And I mean for good this time.
He wants to be wi' Helen.
It's like leaving home, innit? It was always going to happen one day.
Do you know what is a really good cure for a bad mood? No.
Magic beans.
Uh? Ooh! See? I feel better already.
Mm.
No, mate.
I'll have it later or summat.
Look I do get it.
You're scared because he's going and you don't want to be on your own, do you? No.
You're not going to be on your own.
You know why? Cos I got you.
Yes.
It's because you've got me, you miserable prick.
Oh, shit! That's not how it looked, Finn, cos, um It is, actually.
It is exactly how it looked.
And I'm sorry, dude, cos I've been try Finn! Finn! Sorry, mate.
No worries, mate.
I don't think they're coming.
They said they'd be here.
If they can't even be bothered to show up on time, they can both fuck off.
Nice! Who are you? I'm the one that you just told to fuck off.
Who are you? Er, this is Helen.
It's the one I was telling you about.
Congratulations, mate.
She's a charmer! We're just We're just waiting on Karen now.
She should be here any minute, running a bit late.
I'm here.
Oh, my God! Have you been spying on us? No, I just I got here early.
I didn't want people to see me hanging round on my own.
What did she say? I wasn't spying on you.
I can't understand what she's saying.
She said she wasn't spying on you.
Er, Karen do you want to tell them about your power? I can blend into my surroundings.
Hide in plain sight.
something, cos I can't hear a word of it.
Let's Come on, let's go and Let's go and have a drink, guys.
Do you want a drink? Come on, Karen.
You fuckin' lied to me.
Dude, I didn't, man.
Technically that's inaccurate, cos I I fuckin' offered to buy you a Bounty bar, for God's sake.
I was telling you the truth.
You just You just You didn't believe me, Finn.
And d'you know why? Because I didn't think you'd do that to me.
Come on, man.
Don't be like this.
Come to Uncle Rudy for a bit.
Don't think that you can just laugh it off.
Fuck me over and then make a joke out of it.
And you know what? I know you probably won't give a shit, because you've got Jess now.
But as far as friendship goes, you and me - we're finished.
Enjoy the fuckin' party.
Finn? Fuck! Fuck's sake.
Relax.
I am I am not following you.
I just came to get some air.
Is that? Is that all right? Be my guest.
Sorry about the other day.
It's just this year has been a fucking nightmare - the power thing.
I had to stop seeing my dad.
He just couldn't stop staring at them.
Oh, shit, mate! Oh, I didn't even think about that.
Nobody needs their dad staring at their tits, do they? No.
D'you wanna go and get a drink? What kind of a drink? Like a date drink, or a drink drink? Well, I was just thinking a drink with alcohol in.
All right.
But it isn't a date.
All right, fine.
It's not a date.
Rudy 1 or Rudy 2? It's Rudy! It's just Rudy! I'm Ghostbusters, he's Ghostbusters II, and everybody knows Ghostbusters II was a right piece of shit.
I quite liked it.
You fucking would, wouldn't you? Do you know ecstasy reverses your power? Whatever your power is, it makes it do the opposite.
That's a good fact.
All right, stay off the pills, stick to the friggin' heroin, then! Oh, fuck! Jess! Shit! Abby! Abby! Have you seen Jess? No.
Fuck! Have you taken your pill? No, I was going to have it with a bit of cake later.
No, no, you do not take the friggin' pill.
It'll reverse all your powers.
Cake? Fuckin' cake?! What the fuck?! I can't see.
I can't fucking s see.
Rudy! Some Someone? My mate he got turned into an agent of Satan nd I had to fuck him in the arse.
Oh, nice! Yeah.
Oh, and I almost, almost shagged a tortoise once.
So, you do draw the line at shagging animals? Good to know.
Er, so, you, are you seeing anyone at the moment? Or? Well, when I had my power, it was kinda hard to tell the good guys from the wankers and there have been a lot of wankers.
Yeah.
Problem? Oh, God! Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! Er, it's just now that I know I'm not supposed to look at them .
.
all I want to do is look at them.
You know when you see a dead cat in the road and you don't want to look at it but then the more that you try and stop yourself, the more that you can't help it? OK.
Well, um, how about I give you one free look, then? Seeing as you took my power.
That would That would be great.
Happy now? Awesome.
So shall I compliment you on them? Let's just leave the tits, shall we? Same again? Mm.
Mm Jess? Jess? Shit! Jess, are you all right? I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.
Fuckin' hell! What's happening? I can't see.
It's the fucking pills reversed your power.
Oh, Christ! Am I fucking blind? No, no, no, you're not.
You're not blind.
You've just got to wait for it to wear off.
Just sit tight, wait for it to wear off.
Please don't leave me.
I'm not gonna leave you.
Next time I see someone collecting for blind people, I'm giving them a fiver, because being blind is fucking boring.
Oh, God.
Shh! Shh! You! I've got something for you.
I knitted you a jumper.
Brilliant! Absolutely.
That's fantastic, cos that's the one thing this party's missing, is a bespoke piece of chunky knitwear! What a relief.
You two have a nice night.
Wh? What is it? Honestly, that fucking woman.
Give it here.
It's a bloody future jumper.
What's on it? Goodness.
Honest to God! What? You just You will never believe this.
Fuckin' What? We are We are get We are having a f We're having We're getting an hamster.
We're getting a hamster.
A hamster? Yeah, we're getting a fuckin' ham He's an absolute belter.
I can see him right now.
How cute! Wonderful.
I hate hamsters.
Well, it's on the jumper.
It's on the fuckin' jumper, so it's definitely gonna happen now, innit, for fuck's sake? What's wrong with you? Nothing.
Jess, honestly, I am abso I'm made up.
I'm bloody made up.
I'm just going to get a drink.
Do you want a drink? Just wait.
I'll be back in Don't you leave me.
Rudy? What are you doing? I'm waiting for Mark to come up on his pill.
You gave ecstasy to a turtle? I gave ecstasy to a tortoise.
Yeah.
You know, this really is the worst party ever.
Why don't you wanna dance? It's not It's not really my thing.
Really? I'm not much of a mover or a shaker.
Hey! I was looking for you.
I just wanted to let you know things are much better now.
Mate, that is so great.
Seriously, man.
I'll see you later.
D'you know what? Everything used to be so simple.
Like, you'd just meet someone and you'd like them and then you'd go on a date with each other.
And then the storm happens and everything gets fucked.
Not that this is a date.
Come on.
Where? Where are we going? We're having a dance.
How's your night? Yeah, pretty Pretty shit.
Just found out me best mate's been having sex with probably the only girl I've ever really loved.
Women don't know what they do to us.
And then they ride off into the sunset with someone .
.
slightly less handsome than ourselves.
I mean, Alex, yeah, he's a handsome barman.
But Rudy? I had a girlfriend once.
Roxy.
My best mate Conti .
.
stole her from me.
See - flying electricity and that is camouflage.
You are superheroes, guys.
You are! Great.
The Jumper Posse.
That is such a shit name for a gang of superheroes.
At least we agree on something.
Who's the guy on the roof? Oh, I think that's me.
Huh What is your power? Because we all bring something to the table.
So far, you've just got a shit taste in jumpers.
Don't take the piss out of him.
I think I'm your mentor.
Actually, you know, like the, um Like the talking rat on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the, er Splinter! What would we do if we were a gang of superheroes? Well, you'd fight crime, like muggers, and rapists, and things like that.
Sounds quite dangerous.
She's right.
Forget the rapists.
We could focus on people who drop chewing gum.
D'you know what? This is bullshit! Don't need to be in any fucking gang.
I can take care of myself.
Helen? Don't Oh Jess? Can you help me? I've taken a pill and now I'm blind.
And I need a piss.
Where's your boyfriend? I don't know.
He's just fucked off and left me.
Trouble in Paradise? I didn't mean for you to find out like that.
I am sorry.
Just help me.
This one of those future jumpers? You're having a baby? What baby? Great! So, first you're going out with him, now you're starting a family?! Seriously, whose fucking idea was this party any? Where are you going? To find Rudy.
I'm going to fucking kill him! Mate, we have got a fucking major problem - it's this jumper thing.
Jess, she's having a baby.
We're gonna be a dad.
No, not right now.
I'm looking for Helen.
Fuck Helen, man.
I need you, bruv.
You just can't stand it, can you, because I'm happy? Agh! It's just a jumper.
Forget about it.
It wasn't just a jumper, to me, though, it was mine.
My thing, and my friends and my gang, just for once.
Honestly, for once I just wanted to be a part of something that wasn't all about 'im.
I'm not with you because it says so on some fucking jumper.
I'm with you because I like you.
So you ready for your birthday present? Yeah.
I am going to fuck you until you beg me to stop.
I never could trust you, Roxy.
What the fuck are you doing? Get out! Tim? You think you can just ride away into the sunset.
Tim? You broke my heart, Roxy.
Tim, it's me.
It's Rudy 2.
I know who you are.
You're Conti.
You stole my woman.
No, I No, I didn't.
Tim, this isn't real.
It's the game world.
You just snap your band.
Tim, where's your band, mate? You can't not have your band with you.
You could No, no, no, no, Tim! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't shoot you both down.
Please, don't Urgh! Is he dead? He's dead.
I've thought about you lots.
I can't believe you're really here.
It feels strange.
It It feels great.
What about when the pill wears off? We'll sort something out.
I get I get so lonely when you're out on the estate.
I'm just in my shell waiting for you.
We'll buy a big bag of pills.
I'll get Alex to shag you.
I won't let you go back in there.
Is there somewhere we can go? What the fuck was that? I thought I'd already taken your power.
Have you got two powers? I feel a bit I feel a bit weird.
Can you get me a glass of water? Yeah.
Yeah, sure, yeah.
Just wait here a minute.
They've run out of spring rolls, in case you're wondering.
I wasn't wondering, actually.
Fucking hell, don't take your pill neither, dude.
Dude, it reverses your power.
Don't take it.
What do you mean, it reverses them? It reverses them like what? And I shagged all of my powers into her.
What do you mean, all your powers? I mean all of them.
I mean the power to cause accidents, turning things inside out, the hypnotic tits, the devil thing.
Guys! Guys, have you seen Jess? I can't find her.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have left her.
Mate, not now, Finlay, for fuck's sake, man.
We're gonna have to split up.
Come on.
Rudy? Ecce satanas meo, sicut ego et ipse regnabit Dominus Hello, Alex! Ah, whatever you do, do not look at her tits.
Guys.
You're kidding me, aren't you?! For fuck's sake, guys! Look at you.
Men.
You're all so pathetic.
And now you're mine.
Yeah I'm gonna make every guy on the estate kneel before me.
Ecce satanas meo, sicut ego et ipse Help me.
Please? Please, help me.
Jess! Alex? Jess, it's me.
Go.
Go and get him! So, this is what you're doing while I'm in your locker eating lettuce.
More or less.
No, let's check the, er Don't listen to her Latin, don't look at her tits.
Your devil tits don't work on me.
I'm a girl.
Guess I'm just gonna have to turn your boyfriend inside out, then.
Now I've got your full attention Ecce satanas meo, sicut ego et ipse regnabit Dominus So this has been a pretty weird date.
Not that it's a date.
Leave him.
He's mine.
What's the matter, Alex? Don't you trust yourself? What's going to happen if you have a little look? It's just a pair of tits.
And you're one of the good guys, remember? You're not some weak, pathetic animal who's ruled by his urges.
There was a girl I used to know.
Emma.
She was like you.
She was a good person who just got the wrong power.
She was accident prone.
Wasn't her fault.
It was just bad things used to happen to her.
I'm so sorry, Sarah.
You didn't deserve any of this.
Oh I get it.
I'm supposed to slip on the banana skin.
Any other bright ideas? Agh! Where the fuck have you been?! So is that what's gonna happen if we do have a baby? You're just going to disappear and leave me to fend for myself? Fuckin' hell.
I don't know.
You don't know? No! That's great! That is very reassuring! Honestly.
If you want someone who's going to be a good dad and look after this fucking baby then you've got the wrong Rudy cos I'm the shit one.
Or don't you remember that? What are you saying? I'm saying it's too fucking much, man.
I just can't handle it.
I'm sorry.
Fuck you! Fucking coward! What the fuck have we done? Look Look, Tim was out of control and we have done the right thing.
It's the jumper and it has started and still none of you believe me.
Well, this is This is our destiny.
Come on.
Why not? We're getting a better name.
We're gonna be unstoppable.
It's your superhero lair.
They are your costumes.
Your secret identity.
Let's do some good.
Are you going to pick that up? Agh! Today is the last day of your community service.
This is as good as it gets for you.
Oh, my God! That is That's a man flying.
I loved you.
I'm sorry.
I've made a terrible error of judgment.
They tried to kill me.
Well, they chose the wrong day to do that, Finlay.
They're coming.
I suppose you'd better kill them.