Miss Guided (2008) s01e05 Episode Script

Pool Party

okay, everybody, go back inside.
Back inside.
It's no big deal.
Someone forgot to pay a parking ticket.
My car? I just added those seat covers.
What's going on? Your ridiculous car is halfway into my spot, and when I opened my door this morning, I could barely get out.
I was terrified.
Pool teaches american history.
She's been here awhile.
She could be anywhere from 50 to 80.
90? I have no idea.
she's the most feared teacher on campus.
I have parked in this spot for 40 years, and no lesser faculty member is going to come along and try to shove me out.
Oh, god, that was not my intention.
I will give you plenty of room tomorrow.
I promise.
Just don't let it happen again.
- Take it away.
- Wait.
Pool has been making my life miserable since I went to school here.
She kicked me off the debate team.
1991 Debater:Animal Rights Ms.
Freeley!for the last time, ms.
Freeley, what is your rebuttal? trevor, you win.
Becky, get out.
yeah! And it's not just me.
Pool is mean to everybody.
No one has ever seen her smile.
Hi, girlfriend.
Hi, lisa.
Pool loves me.
When I was a student here, she told me I looked like ava gardner and asked me to give her a home perm.
it doesn't matter.
Why should I worry about mrs.
Pool and her nasty attitude when I can enjoy my sweet, smiling students who are ready to conquer the world? Okay, karey, you're skipping class, you're engaging in antisocial behavior, and now mrs.
Drew says you're drawing on your tongue.
No, I wasn't.
I notice you're not wearing any shoes.
I don't like putting my feet in a prison.
I think I understand.
Sometimes we want to talk about our feelings, but we don't because it's scary, and that's perfectly okay, but I do think we need to find you an outlet for those feelings.
Have you thought about something like art or dance? I was a dancer.
dancing's for losers.
It was really just a hobby.
So art.
Why don't you get yourself some paints and a nice canvas? It could really change your life.
There's more.
These have to go back to the video store.
Put this in the cat's bedroom.
And this is a cheese wheel.
I want to get a refund.
- It turned.
- okay.
Oh, and don't forget to take my ham out of the freezer to defrost.
You forgot last night, and i had to suck it like a popsicle.
No problem.
Are you doing personal favors for mrs.
Pool? What? No.
I mean, you know, like, one or two little things.
Sucks for you.
oh, mr.
Terry, I thought I heard your voice.
Listen, after you finish feeding the goldfish, don't put the key back in the mailbox.
Put it under the mat.
Any hobo can look in the mailbox.
What? I don't- I have a meeting.
We'll talk later.
What are you looking at? Get to class.
If I could please have your attention.
Well, as you may or may not know or care, mrs.
Pool has been with glen ellen high school for 40 years this week.
That means someone has to throw her a party.
if we don't throw this woman a party, then I won't get a party, and I'm angling for a booze cruise.
All right, if there are no volunteers, we're going to the list.
You did this to yourselves.
Since we go alphabetically, next up is "f" and "g"- freeley and germain.
Becky freeley? Yes.
I'll be honest, planning a party with lisa for mrs.
Pool sounds like torture, but I am going to take that torture and make lemonade.
I don't mind taking the reins here.
You know, because of my experience with, well, parties- throwing them, attending them me, too-jazz brunches, garden parties, a pancake breakfast that's funny.
Those are all during the day.
And night parties with beer.
Yeah, so the most important thing with mrs.
Pool is that we do something really creative.
Traditional stuff won't impress her.
Got it.
Okay, it's 1929.
Prohibition and flappers are all the rage.
We're in a speakeasy, and there's been a murder.
What is she talking about? It's a murder-mystery party.
I don't like it.
oh, don't worry, mrs.
Obviously, becky was kidding.
I was thinking more along the lines of something traditional.
Yes, I love it.
OkayI get it-uh, streamers, balloons, finger food.
I hate hors d'oeuvres.
What about baby quiche and jalapeÑo poppers? I like that.
And karaoke.
No music.
I find it garish.
Just give me peace and quiet and a carving station for meat.
proudly presents Miss Guided Season01 Episode05 hey, bruce, you got a second? Uh, wait.
Just, uh, working on some last-minute e-mails.
and send.
So, timmy, how can I help you? Uh, I was wondering, does mrs.
Pool ask you to run personal errands? She does not.
Well, because yesterday when we were in the hall, I thought I heard her ask- I don't know what you think you heard, but that woman is my subordinate.
I would no sooner do an errand for mrs.
Pool than tip a waiter, it's his job.
Um, I'm only asking because I'm having some issues with her myself and, what's that? Well, that is what you were supposed to pick up on friday but forgot.
I knew there was somebody else.
Of course there's somebody else.
Did you honestly think you were enough for mrs.
Pool? So we both yes.
lisa! Gotta go.
- Hi, mrs.
- bye.
- Would you like to sit down? - No.
It's bad enough I had to walk all the way outside to try and find you.
You know how I hate it outside.
Lisa, you had so much potential.
Is there a problem? Is this the invitation to my anniversary party? Yes? It's hideous.
I want you to use evite.
I stayed up until 4:00am making those invitations.
I learned calligraphy just so they'd be perfect for her.
You know who enjoys doing calligraphy? No one.
You are so right.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I'll get online right now.
What happened? she hated the invitations.
But you did exactly what she wanted.
Why didn't you say something? Because if I say something, then she'll hate me as much as she hates you.
She doesn't hate me.
She does.
She told me.
Anyway, the only way to stay on her good side is just to smile and suck it up and do what she says.
it's exhausting.
I'd never seen lisa look so defeated.
It was like seeing a proud elephant reduced to peanut tricks at the zoo, except the zoo is high school, and lisa's body is smoking hot.
Pool is a monster.
We have to do something.
Yeah, I was thinking about leaving early and getting drunk.
I saw the way mrs.
Pool treated you today, and it wasn't the first time, was it? It's complicated.
Pool is only nice to you because you kiss up to her, and you only do it 'cause you can't stand not being the golden girl.
Okay, it's not that complicated.
So what if she decides not to like you anymore? Why does everybody have to like you? Because it's weird if they don't.
Everybody likes me.
You! Outside! - Mrs.
Pool, come on in.
I'm- - now.
Look what your delinquent student did to my car.
How do they know who did it? I was bad.
I am so sorry.
I told her to express herself through art.
I had no idea she would do something like this.
Of course you didn't.
It's the blind leading the blind.
Even when you were a student, you were the same dim bulb you are now.
why are we even throwing a party hacemos una fiesta for that nasty old woman? She's such a bully.
She is bully.
I would know.
You were bullied in high school? Oh, god, no.
My boyfriend used to throw bottles at nerds, but they would never stand up to him.
That's what we need to do.
- Throw something at her.
- No.
We should walk in there together, we should get in her face and tell her we're not taking any more of her crap.
It's the only way she'll respect us.
You're right.
She doesn't stand a chance against the both of us.
We'll be like thelma and louise.
Yeah, I n't know them, but you and I hung out with different people in high school.
I fixed her appliances.
I cleaned out her gutter.
I spent the last 12 saturdays building her an above-ground pool while she stands over my shoulder calling me a moron.
when I waxed her car, she ran over my foot and called me a woman.
Why do you do it? You first.
well, before I got this job, I made some pretty bad financial decisions and ended up living in my truck.
I had to shower at the gym.
You could afford a gym membership? Like said, bad financial decisions.
Anyway, mrs.
Pool bailed me out.
she was helping me pay my rent.
Oh, that's so shameful.
So why do you do it? Well, a couple years ago, I had bit of a gambling problem.
I gambled that nobody would see me stealing laptops from the computer lab.
Pool saw me do it and kept it a secret.
You stole computers from the school? It's a long story- pawn shop, border patrol, tony shalhoub, blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, I returned the computers a week later, so it was no big whoop.
I'm so relieved I'm not the only one pool abuses.
I know, brother.
I know.
But don't you worry, nothing we shared here today leaves this office, especially the stuff about the computers.
I could get fired.
Are you sure about this? - Absolutely.
- You're not afraid? I am not afraid of anything except aging and fat.
- Good, because I could not do this alone.
- Let's do it.
pool, becky and I have something we'd like to say to you.
Is it something about my party? Because I'm having second thoughts about your poppers.
Really? Everybody loves my poppers.
We're actually not here about the party.
No, we're not.
We're here to say that there have been moments when- and, of course, I don't want to sound too harsh, but- just say it, lisa.
For god sake, stop stammering.
You sound like becky.
I'll say it then.
You are a nightmare.
You're lucky you're getting any party at all.
We have done everything possible to give you exactly what you want.
And you know what? You are mean.
The only reason lisa and i are throwing a party is 'cause huffy forced us to.
We think it's about time that you heard the truth.
Looks like you have nobody to back you up, ms.
Freeley, nor do you have any idea what you're talking about.
Aren't guidance counselors used to that feeling? It's one thing to have a pointless job.
It's another to be terrible at it.
What is your problem? You've been cruel to me for 15 years.
I've never done anything to you.
Oh, really? In ninth grade, you said that my term paper was "verbal garbage," and I wasn't even in your class.
In tenth grade, you stapled my poem about todd collins' hair onto the wall above his head.
- I loved him! - Ms.
Sit down! In 12th grade, you pointed out to the entire class that I stuffed my bra.
Well, you know what, lady? I wasn't even wearing a bra! These babies are real! And you know what else? You will come to our party, you will eat our poppers, and you will like it! I'm sorry, what? Are you trying to say something? Because if you are, you can write it down, roll it up and stick it in your bottom! nice, nice.
good morning, teachers' lounge.
Big anniversary party today.
Well, that's funny.
I don't see the guest of honor anywhere.
looks like someone's scared.
come on out, pool! Who's the loser now? She is.
She's dead.
Her car's here.
Yeah, she couldn't drive it home because she died.
Thank you, helen.
I realize that.
Pool was dead, and I was parked next to her ghost car.
Well, what can you say about a woman like that? I didn't care much for mrs.
She kept trying to have me deported.
What happened to you yesterday? I thought we were a team.
I know, but at least she still likes me.
Lisa, she's dead.
Becky freeley stood up to mrs.
Pool, and I couldn't do it.
What is wrong with this picture? I heard what happened.
It sounds like you really laid into her.
thank you.
for what? She's gone, and we have you to thank for that.
I don't kill her.
do you think I killed her? - it's over.
- We made it.
what's going on? We're just grieving in our own special way.
Sweet, sweet day.
thank you.
It turns out the sheer force of my rage was enough to stop a woman's heart.
I didn't even know she had one.
karey, what are you doing? I'm making art.
Didn't you get suspended for this? Yeah, but it felt so good, I had to come back for more.
oh, my god.
You're addicted to the fumes, aren't you? No, I'm expressing my feelings, see? when I told you to express your feelings with art, I was thinking of something like clay or painting on paper.
This this is a very, very bad idea- illegal, actually.
You know you might get expelled for this, right? Yeah.
That was your plan all along, wasn't it? Yeah.
At least you had a goal, honey.
bruce? Listen, about karey it would be a personal favor to me if you don't kick her out.
Who's karey? You know karey chen- glasses, bare feet, eats pens.
That girl? I thought we shipped her off to a special school two years ago.
we'll talk about it at pool's party.
Party? I'm not throwing her a party.
Listen, lady, it was your turn to throw a party, and I've been eating celery and laxatives for two days now just so I can hoover that cake.
You sound like a girl.
I am a girl.
You are a girl.
besides, why should i throw a party for a dead woman who didn't even care about her students? If karey had gone to mrs.
Pool, she would have been scarred for life.
Teachers like pool are the reason I became a guidance counselor.
That deserves a party.
Doesn't it? hey, guys.
Come on in.
It's a party.
Oh, god.
She's blocked it out.
No, I haven't.
I know mrs.
Pool is gone.
It's not an anniversary party.
It's a memorial party.
Even mrs.
Pool deserves to be remembered.
For what? For challenging us and yelling and berating and pointing out our physical shortcomings.
It sucked, but it made us stronger.
could I have everyone's attention, please? when someone dies, it's always nice to remember the good times, so anyone who has a fond memory of mrs.
Pool, please, come on up and share.
Anyone? Does nobody have one fond me- thank you, carl.
uh, I lost my keys.
- There's a mini flashlight on the Chain.
- okay.
Okay, you're right.
There is nothing nice to say about mrs.
She was a horrible person, but I've learned one thing from her, and that's to say what you're thinking while you have the chance, so in light of that does anyone have a not-so-fond memory of mrs.
Pool they'd like to share? Principal huffy.
what a hag.
Anyone else? I have something to say.
I am so tired around with this tissue pretending to be sad.
I'm not sad.
I worked so hard to get mrs.
Pool to like me, and for what? I didn't even like her, just like I don't like you, helen.
I don't know about you guys, but I feel a lot better.
And, becky, I owe you an apology.
I never meant for you to be alone in that classroom with mrs.
For the record, she was the only one in the classroom.
Thank you.
what do you say, buddy? You want to get this monkey off our backs? Oh, I don't know.
Come on, let's do it.
No fear.
One last chore.
come on.
uh, so you all think you hated mrs.
Pool? Well, tim and I had a real reason to hate her.
Tim, tell them how she hurt you.
she's been bullying us for months.
You ever wonder why pool's car is so shiny every monday morning? This guy, right here.
Yeah, yeah.
And do you ever wonder why her yard always looks so great? It's the green thumb of mr.
Bruce terry.
But those days are over.
We are done.
We're done.
No more.
No more cleaning out the garage.
No more filing her "tv guides.
" No more hanging the stupid christmas lights.
No more having sex with her.
dude, you had sex with her? You didn't? Dude, I'd rather live in my truck.
how embarrassing.
Living in your truck mrs.
Pool's memorial was a big success.
It was kind of a weird way to pay tribute to someone, but I actually think she would have liked it.
her hair is harlow gold her lips a sweet surprise her hands are never cold and she's got better davis eyes no, she would've hated it.
Hey, becky.
I just wanted to say, um thanks.
No problem.
Do you really think I killed her? Don't be ridiculous.
Pool was 89 years old.
She's the one who taught me to stay out of the sun.
How else do you think I look like this? proudly presents Miss Guided Season01 Episode05