Mission Hill (1999) s01e10 Episode Script

The tomb of the Pharaoh Amenhotep.
Buried alive with him are his scribes his wives, his royal owls his lutists, his flutists and his accountant.
And all of their scribes, wives, owls and musicians.
-Yet a question remains.
-The question? Will Kevin French ever get laid? lf you're through with trouser talk, l'm busy learning.
Kevin, honestly, you're 1 7.
How will you meet girls if you're learning all the time? The kind of girls who want me will know how to find me.
l hate to break it to you.
But girls looking to meet you on the lnternet aren't always girls.
l believe l have homework to do.
Hey, don't run away.
l'm trying to help you.
Here.
Let's go through your yearbook.
Tell me which girls you'd be interested in going out with.
Okay.
l would go out with her.
What? Okay.
Let me explain the concept of leagues to you.
She is not in your league.
She, on the other hand, is.
-God, that's the lunch lady! -Okay, then.
Her.
The girl of your dreams.
''Eunice Eulmeyer.
'' She's perfect.
No way! She's Weirdie.
-l am not going to go out with Weirdie! -Yes, you are! You're gonna marry her! -Yoo-hoo.
Yes, boys.
-No, l'm not.
You're horribly mistaken.
No, no, no, no.
Andy, no.
What's the deal with Weirdie anyway? Well, she lives in this creepy old house -and her parents are really old.
-l heard her dad is a famous scientist.
Yeah.
An expert in mutant life forms.
A famous scientist, really? Eulmeyer.
Eulmeyer.
Are you going out again? Don't you ever stay home? Not when the hottest club in town just opened across the street.
Yeah.
lt's called ''l Murdered Fred Mertz.
'' -Cool, huh? -You want to come along, Kevin? No.
l'm busy.
l'm running an lnternet search on a famous scientist.
Great.
Don't pull a nerd muscle.
Find Eulmeyer.
Eight hundred thirty-nine entries! That beats the pants off Gordon Lightfoot.
Sorry, no.
lmpossible.
Unfortunate.
You! Lose the sweater and take his jacket.
But not you with the jacket.
Who the hell does this guy think he is, picking and choosing like that? Look sharp, guys.
lt's our turn.
Sorry.
l only need one of these.
You.
One of these? We're not items on a supermarket shelf.
Well, bury my heart at Wounded Knee.
Step off the line, please.
Hey, there's a Bennigan's uptown.
Maybe that's more your speed.
Damn posers.
Come to our neighborhood and tell us we're not cool enough -to get into their club? Screw them! -Don't feel bad, Andy.
We can start our own club.
We could call it The Cool Club.
And let in everyone who wasn't cool enough for that other club.
Or we could just open a club and not let anyone in at all.
You're mean, man.
That's why l like you.
l can be mean too.
l looked up Weirdie's father on the lnternet last night.
Know what l found? Dr.
Paul Eulmeyer was the project leader at Los Alamos in 1 949.
Where he developed a little something called the Hydrogen Bomb.
Well, that explains why she has radioactive cooties.
-What's your game, French? -Weirdie's father was the co-inventor of the H-bomb.
lmagine what getting a college recommendation from him would do for your shot at Yale.
Hell is other people.
-Sartre.
He's a good man.
-Hi.
-Hello.
-Greetings, water balloon.
-Sure.
How's it going? -Move along, water balloon.
Your molecules are in my light! l bet you call everybody ''water balloon'' because of the well-known fact that the human body is 70 percent water.
-Good guess, chimpy.
-A Darwin reference.
Another classic.
My name is Kevin.
Mind if l join you? l gotta go, chimpy.
Nice matching wits with you.
You're a regular Morey Amsterdam.
Anthrax.
Anthrax.
What do you want? Get away from me! l just think we have a lot in common, that's all.
-We're kind of the same.
-lt's opposites that attract, remember? Coulomb's Law.
Elementary physics! But the scientific method teaches us to strictly observe the facts.
And the fact is, neither one of us is quite homecoming-court material.
But l think you're cute and interesting, and.
l hope you'll give me a chance.
Will you? You mean, a chance of the date classification? Species: Evening-Out-Icus.
Dinner, perhaps? You're on, chimpy.
But now l have work to do.
Call me.
Yes! l'm gonna get me a littlerecommendation.
My baby brother.
Going on his first hot date with Weirdie.
Here.
Take this.
Do you know what it is? Yes, but l don't think l'll have to stoop to perversion.
Thank you.
No condoms because you wanna make Weird-lettes.
ls that it? Goodbye.
Don't wait up.
Please.
Come.
l need to show you something.
l give you our club.
The Meter Room.
God, it stinks in here.
l love it! Keep the door shut and don't let anybody in, right? Yeah.
The longer the line gets, the more we can mess with their heads.
l just hope those trend-oids can find us.
-Back in this alley, with this-- -Hey, man.
So we're, like, friends with Ben Stiller.
Wait here, please.
l'll see what l can do.
Oh, yeah! My you look lovely.
These are for you.
Flowers are the sex organs of plants.
Why is it considered romantic to castrate a bunch of plants? Right.
So shall we? l hear this laser show is quite enjoyable.
Did your father invent any lasers? Here we are.
Oh, great.
First there was the Milky Way.
Then there was the Crab Nebula.
Then there was.
This isn't what the planetarium was built for! And it's a misuse of lasers! So how's it going? Kevin, aren't you gonna kiss me goodnight? No, l mean, shouldn't l meet your father first? -l mean, before l take liberties.
-Don't worry about old croaky.
Kiss me.
Who's that? Eunice? -ls that you? -Oh, Daddy! You ruined everything! Dr.
Eulmeyer, l presume.
Pleasure to meet you, sir! A pleasure! You see, the bomb that destroyed Nagasaki was rather inefficient.
A lot more people could have been killed.
But a man like Harry Truman just doesn't care if your kill circle is ellipsoidal or not.
-Fascinating! -Oh, Daddy.
Nobody cares about your stupid stories.
Tell me, sir.
Did you invent other weapons besides the H-bomb? Oh, yes! Let's see, there was the Bone-melting Gun the Quantum-particle Death Beam.
And we did some gravity inversion that was pretty destructive for a while.
Pick me! Pick me! l'd love to let more of you in but it's so crowded inside.
Mr.
Denaria, we can take a few more.
All right, people, look alive.
No.
Never.
Don't make me L-A-F-F, laugh.
Oh, hi.
l am the sexy supermodel who is currently dating Liam Gallagher.
Peter Gallagher? Gallagher? The baby gets in.
But not you.
Oh, my baby! Step off the line, please.
That must have been one cool baby, man.
How's it going out there? lt's wonderful.
We've created the Studio 54 of smelly closets.
Thanks for coming to this dinner with me.
Dr.
E.
wanted to meet my family.
-And l need to make a good impression.
-Hey, l'm just happy you met your true love.
Plus, l wouldn't miss a chance to see Weirdie in her natural habitat.
Kevin.
Come in, son! We were just putting out the Scotch and boiled eggs.
Oh, this is gonna be good.
l hope you boys like your parsnips with plenty of vinegar sauce.
They'd have to be crazy not to.
l apologize for the comprehensive senility of my parents, Andrew.
Eunice! Manners! Oh, it's okay.
No need to be polite around me.
-Pass me the beans, Weirdie.
-What did you say? l meant, ''Where the beans at,'' Weirdie? Beans at.
Where the beans at? Where the beans at? Where the beans at? Where the? Help me.
Dr.
Eulmeyer, l was telling Andy about -your work on the Painful Dart Bomb.
-The PDB.
lt went by the boards, of course.
Somehow the darts we used were never quite painful enough.
-Did you consider heating the darts? -A fine suggestion! Eunice, you've got a splendid young man here.
-Thank you, Daddy.
-Tell me, Kevin.
What plans does a bright young fellow like you have for college? Oh, it's so tough to get into a topnotch school these days.
Without the right recommendation, l may not even go to college.
l'll probably apprentice myself to a book bindery or-- Stop that nonsense! l'll write you a recommendation myself tonight! Why, thank you, sir.
Your recommendation, son.
The last time l wrote one of these it was for a young fellow named Stephen Hawking.
-Looked a lot like you, in fact.
-Thank you, sir.
You've made me a happy father, Kevin.
l've been waiting for my Eunice to find the right young man.
And now that she's with you well, frankly, l feel l can die in peace.
Sir? Sir? Are you dead? Oh, dear.
lf l can just get the letter.
l thought you men might enjoy some fresh iced tea and.
Oh, my God! Paul! l tried using centrifugal force to revive him.
Mrs.
Eulmeyer, if there's anything l can do to help.
Settle your husband's affairs, organize his papers -catalog his recommendations-- -Oh, God! No! l've gotta find that letter.
This is a simple problem.
Come on.
Think.
Think.
Hello.
Come on.
Come on.
Open, damn it! Kevin, what are you doing? So, kiddo, how you holding up? Boy howdy.
You wanted a recommendation so bad, you pretended to like me, huh? Yes.
And l'm completely ashamed.
-You don't seem very angry.
-No.
l never liked you, either.
-You didn't? -No.
l just went out with you to make Daddy happy.
He was always pressuring me to meet boys.
So l figured -why not go out with Geeko.
-Geeko? That's what all the girls at school call you.
Like you didn't know.
-Well, l guess l'd better go.
-Wait.
Don't you want Daddy's letter? -You worked hard enough for it.
-You know where it is? Don't get excited, chimpy.
lt's not here.
Daddy left his papers to the lnstitute for Advanced Research at Fort Conlon.
Your letter's locked up pretty tight.
Though it might be a hoot to break in there and steal it.
Trespass on an Army base and steal from a classified file? lf we're caught it could go on our records! Don't be a doofus, Kevin! lf we get caught, we'll go to jail.
Pick me, please! -l believe there's a line.
-l just want to see what you're up to.
ls it oxygen bars? Ecstasy-driven industrial freak-outs? Bettie Page film loops? What is your secret? Just superior coolness, l guess.
-l'll let you into my club.
-Get back in line.
Ouch! Pick me.
Pick me.
Revenge is sweet.
But l'm getting bored being a youth mogul.
l want to go to a club and let some jerk boss me around.
Not that jerk, though.
You think it's time we told the truth? What are you, high? Anyway, l think it's time we told the biggest lie we can think of.
We'll never get inside.
l'm no good at scaling fences.
We'll be caught and punished.
''Let the punishment fit the crime'' they'll say! And it will fit.
lt'll fit so snuggly-- Kevin, shut up! Getting on an Army base is easier than you think.
Watch.
Army bases have personnel.
Personnel have families.
-Families have kids.
-But how will we pass as students? Gee, l don't know, Kevin.
Who could possibly think we're students? Eunice, maybe we should just go home, okay? l don't see the lnstitute for Advanced Research listed.
-Let's go home.
-Here it is.
Right next to the Kevin French lnstitute for Panicky Dimwits.
lt's a secret installation.
Therefore, it will be the building that isn't listed.
Bingus.
That's Latin for ''bingo.
'' Let's do some crimes.
Good afternoon, sir.
Just play along, chimpy.
Daddy? Daddy? He's not here.
You told me you called him! ls something wrong, sweetheart? We're going on a class trip to look at a pony.
My dad didn't sign the permission slip.
And he has to meet us in the lobby, and he's not here, so.
Oh, don't cry.
l'll find your father for you.
-Uh, what does he look like? -Well.
He's tall, and skinny.
And he has big, thick glasses.
Well, how's about l just buzz you inside and you go find him? Here we go.
Here it is.
''Recommendations'' ! Oh, no.
The boxes are all sealed up.
Give it here.
-Eunice, you're amazing! -Okay, French.
Knock yourself out.
Let's see.
Recommendation to destroy Northern Japan.
Recommendation to sterilize beatniks-- Here we go! Recommendation for Kevin French! Hey! What the hell are you kids doing? Please, sergeant.
We were just playing Truth or Dare.
They dared me to kiss my boyfriend in the best-guarded building on base and-- Oh, yeah.
l always go to the armory with my boy-- Girlfriend.
l'm legally fine as long as l didn't say the whole word.
Now get out! A simple smoke bomb made with house- hold materials from easy instructions.
Gotta love the lnternet.
Now when l give the signal, run outside screaming.
And for God's sakes, never tell a soul what was in here.
Help! Fire! -Oh, my God! lt's horrible.
-This is insanity.
Everything gone.
Gone in the blink of an eye.
All l could save was this doorknob.
Good God! No! You're being punished for your heady days of freewheeling excess.
Yeah, that must be what it is.
l guess we should go our separate ways.
First we lost Curt, then Tupac.
And now we've lost The Meter Room.
l was there, man.
l saw it all.
lt was a touchstone for our generation.
A fantasy of decadence that will never come our way again.
Thanks for trying.
l didn't deserve that letter anyway.
lt's right here.
l stashed it when the guard wasn't looking.
Eunice, you're magnificent! l love you.
What are you doing? Get your germs away from me! But back in the stacks, when you kissed me.
-l thought you and l-- -That was an emergency kiss.
Come on.
You got what you wanted.
Quit complaining.
No! l mean, yes, l wanted the letter.
But that was before l realized how brilliant and adventurous and wonderful you are! Andy was right all along.
You're perfect for me! l don't want that letter anymore.
l want you, Eunice.
Well, people in hell want ice water.
Have tons of fun with your letter.
See you around, water balloon.
What am l doing?! BloodLogic A Bill Oakley/Josh Weinstein production! [ENGLlSH.]