Mock the Week (2005) s14e01 Episode Script
James Acaster, Matt Forde, Katherine Ryan, Josh Widdicombe
1 This programme contains some strong language # Don't believe in everything you see or hear # Read all about it # Read all about it # News of the world # News of the world # Read all about it # Read all about it # News of the world News of the world.
APPLAUSE Good evening, and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Matt Forde, Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We start this week by noting that this is actually the tenth anniversary of Mock The Week.
I just want to say We've been going for ten years, at this stage.
It's a very magical time in a panel show's life.
And I want to thank the BBC for the excellent cake they sent us about the whole thing, AND one of these, whose name I can never remember.
It really is quite a Literally if there's a defect, it's this.
This is what came.
This and a note going, "You saw what happened "to Never Mind The Buzzcocks, "it could happen to you.
" I mean, that's a really upbeat start to the show, isn't it? This is the best thing we get.
We start with the round called Picture Of The Week.
I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
So what is going on here? Is this Sepp Blatter meeting his hero Neptune, God of the Sea? Is it just happier times for DLT? Has someone in the audience just shouted, "Can anyone help me launder 10 million?" They're just saying, "This little piggy went to prison.
" Sepp Blatter is saying, "To avoid controversy, "the 2020 World Cup is awarded to Islamic State.
" Two people auditioning for the Happy Days reboot.
Or "Still as cool as ever, it's Entourage - The Movie.
" Have Channel 5 just unveiled their rivals to Ant and Dec? Any of you know who exactly this is? - Sepp Blatter.
- Yes.
And what he'll look like when he crosses the Swiss border.
The other bloke's name is Chuck Blazer.
Yep.
Who is, weirdly, American.
How American is that? He might as well be called McApple Pie Stars And Stripes III.
Yes, this is the news that Sepp Blatter has said he will give up his post as Fifa president after 17 years at the helm.
His resignation follows allegations of corruption and bribery surrounding various World Cup bids thanks to an FBI investigation and testimony by former Fifa executive Chuck Blazer, Chuck Blazer obviously being the man with the enormously large hand sitting next to him.
He made his money in modelling for those foam hands that Americans wear at sporting events.
Chuck Blazer, in fact, was arrested by the FBI in New York on a mobility scooter.
He was chased by the FBI on a mobility scooter.
I would like to have seen that chase, you know? "Quick, quick! He appears not to be stopping.
"We may have to break into a jog.
" Chuck Blazer is an amazing bloke, though, isn't he? He's got a parrot.
He's got a parrot on his shoulder, and the brilliant thing about the parrot is that he was married and the parrot went with his wife after the divorce, and then six months later, she gave him the parrot back.
He didn't know, but in the interim, she had taught the parrot to slag him off.
You can do that with real-life kids.
This is an outrage.
It's an absolute outrage.
I think we forget sometimes who the real victims are.
It's people like me who see the word Fifa, I know that words mean football, there's a secret history that you guys know all about, I've no idea what's going on.
I thought they got arrested because all their migrant workers were dying all over the place.
That's apparently not the problem.
That's fine.
No-one has raised No, that's fine.
- We went for the 2018 bid, didn't we? - Yeah.
And we've got loads of dodgy bankers, but who did we put up for the 2018 bid? David Beckham and Prince William.
If our bid had been hosted by Nick Leeson leading a delegate of Barclays and RBS, we'd have got the 2018 and 2022 World Cup.
APPLAUSE You can't give it to Qatar, this place in the middle of the desert, that has no prior connection with football, and not expect people to get suspicious.
It would be like giving Aled Jones a Mobo.
But what was Sepp Blatter's response to this? Well, Sepp Blatter, he's gone and resigned, hasn't he? - But he's not going for a while.
- No.
But he's not going to get much of a leaving present, is he? When they pass round that envelope round the office, they're all just going to be taking money out.
I don't know if he's really going to leave.
- I mean, he said, what, December? - Yeah.
That's a smart move.
You get to December, but everyone's full of Christmas spirit.
You get to pull the old, "You wouldn't fire an old man "at Christmas, would you?" He's there for a year.
You know, it's very difficult stepping down, though, isn't it? It's very difficult.
Do you know what would have helped him step down a lot quicker? A Sepp ladder.
Well done, well done.
You knew it was coming.
APPLAUSE I'm impressed you waited that long, to be honest with you.
Probably been pointed out that Chuck Blazer who's a guy in a mobility scooter with a parrot and an afro that goes all the way around his face is the one that was undercover.
- Cos they wired him up.
- A wire.
Did they have it just in his beard? Then he would wink to people and go, "Say nothing", and lifted his beard, a small man with a boom mic just sitting in his beard.
"Let me turn off the parrot's recording equipment.
" His wife will have taught the parrot to go, "He's wearing a wire.
"He's wearing a wire.
" Was it not that he didn't need to wear a wire, it's just the parrot would repeat it all back? Also, they would be Surely when the FBI were listening back to the tapes of Blazer, the first half hour was just his colleagues making fun of his appearance.
- HE IMITATES TAPE FAST-FORWARDING - You wrote Game of Thrones.
- HE IMITATES TAPE FAST-FORWARDING - You're Santa Claus.
HE IMITATES TAPE FAST-FORWARDING Good to see David Bellamy's in town.
Also in the news this week, who can tell me what's going on here? Is that Barack Obama playing Pretzel Buckaroo? Or is Barack shaking the hand of the very pretzel that choked George W Bush? It's like a German version of Come Dine With Me.
"Angela has broken all the plates "and is serving the pretzels on a mug tree.
" Is Angela Merkel saying to Barack Obama, GERMAN ACCENT: "Well, Barack, you must prepare for the WURST.
" APPLAUSE - Thank you very much.
- Lovely.
Welcome to 1970s comedy.
They all sound - the FBI X-rayed his sausages and his pretzel - They did.
- .
.
before he was allowed to eat them.
Presumably, obviously, because a wayward pretzel led to the demise, almost, of George Bush, and a wayward sausage almost led to the demise of Bill Clinton.
So Almost - everyone looks happy, apart from Angela Merkel's husband, who looks like he's attempting to move the pretzels with his mind.
Cos he liked the fact the guy didn't just have a brush on his hat, but he jazzed it up with four badges as well, it's quite a look.
- It's amazing.
- When you wear a hat like that, you don't expect there to be five other people at the table wearing that hat.
You just turn up and go, "Oh, you've gotta be joking.
"I made this myself out of stuff I found in the garden - "you can't possibly Ugh.
" The danger of drinking at 11 in the morning at the G7 is that by the time you get to the final communique, it reads SLURS: "I I love you.
"This is the best G7 I have ever been to.
" "Dear Putin "Miss you.
" Do you reckon they had to do that thing, cos, like, the others hadn't turned up - Obama had to text David Cameron, and said, "I'd get on it on the train, mate.
"Cos we are going to be hammered by the time you get here.
"I'd get a couple of those small gin and tonics if I was you, "cos Angela is almost sideways already.
" Hang on, is this the G7 where five of the others have yet to arrive? Yeah, but, Obama's But Obama's just kind of sitting with Mr and Mrs Merkel going, "Where are you? "You said 11 o'clock by the man with the squirrel hat.
"What are you? I'm on my own.
"What are you doing, to leave me here on my own?" He's having a nice time.
No breakfast is ever made better by Stephen Harper and David Cameron showing up to it.
It's not like waiting to start the party when Cameron gets there.
Oi-oi! From the other side, they all turn they all turn, and Cameron's like, "Wahey! "Here it comes!" HE IMITATES TROMBONE Knocking pretzels out of people's hands.
"Give us your fuckin' hat! Weurgh!" I bet Cameron's got seven nickname T-shirts in the back of his bag.
"Miss Demeanour".
"Captain Austerity's here!" "The Merkster - put it on! "Put it on! Put it on.
" "You will put it on! Merkster! Put it on!" He's like that.
He does bring the party.
So, who was noticeably absent form the G7? - Vladimir Putin.
- Yeah - and he WOULD bring the party! "Check e-mails again.
"Maybe in Junk folder there is invitation?" That's just the saddest picture I've ever seen.
- No - I think, out of shot, he's looking at one of those brush hats that he bought for the event.
That's why they had beers.
That's why they had beers early - so they could go, "Oh, mate - you missed the best one ever.
"He was wasted by three o'clock - I got off with Merkel!" I like to think that Cos Putin's not going to take it very well, but I like to think that he had his own G1 summit.
He said, "Only an insane man in a dream "would think that Russia would attack NATO.
" And you wonder, actually, whether he had in fact had that dream himself and he was giving the rest of the world a bit of a heads up on his current mental state.
Cos he's insane.
You can't say that about yourself - that'd be like saying, "Only a total legend "would come back from the bar with eight Jagerbombs!" "Oh, David Cameron, you've done it again! "Wait, there's only six here.
" "It's a long walk! Boom!" At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Hugh and James! We're winning, we're winning.
Now we play a round called I Can't Believe It's Not Blatter.
This game involves Matt and James, so, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This round is a stand-up challenge - I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is Interviews.
Who wants to come in that? - OK.
- Matt.
- I'll go for that.
It's fascinating watching different politicians and how they deal with interviews.
Ed Miliband, when he gets asked a question he doesn't like, will just have this amazing technique, where he'll just ask himself a new question and answer that instead.
And it really works - he got asked before the election by Nick Robinson, "Er, Mr Miliband, "you've said you've set a mansion tax if you become Prime Minister, "but you won't yet tell us at what rate you would set it.
" And Miliband just went, "Look, Nick, if you're asking me, "have I got a plan for the housing market, then the answer's yes.
" It's amazing.
Farage is one of the best ones at it, because no matter what you ask him, he'll get a political answer in somewhere.
You could say, "Nigel, what have you had for breakfast, mate?" And he'll go, "Tea, toast and the Telegraph - "Great British breakfast.
" He always manages to get his messages across.
Boris Johnson is fascinating, because he just loves avoiding questions, and he uses a twin track approach of flattery and Latin.
And this genuinely works.
If he was here now, you could say, "Boris, come on, just admit it - "You want to be Prime Minister.
" He'd go, "Oh, no, no, no.
"Let me just say, great to be here amongst such great, learned people "on this crucible of culture.
"Reminds me very much of a phrase my father used to use, you know? " 'Divitas, divitum, rectum.
' " Well done, Matt.
Very good.
OK, so, James is left - let's see what he's been left with.
Let's spin the wheel.
And the topic is Britain.
I wish I was Mexican.
Love everything, but I love Mexican food.
My favourite place to eat is a Mexican restaurant called Wahaca.
All you need to know about Wahaca, everyone steals their spoons.
So much so that every January, Wahaca have a spoon amnesty on.
You bring back one of the stolen spoons, and then they reward you with free tacos.
Genius.
Not only do they get their spoons back, they also get to watch while the thieves eat tacos which, I imagine, have been interfered with beyond belief.
I love Mexican food.
I love Mexican music - mariachi music, best music in the world.
Top three mariachi songs - number one HE HUMS "The Mexican Hat Dance" Number two HE HUMS "La Cucaracha" Number three - nothing, cos there are no other mariachi songs.
Ever been to a mariachi nightclub? It's full of people just going up to the DJ, like, "Hey, man, have you got" HE HUMS "The Mexican Hat Dance" "Yeah, I'll play it next.
" "How about" HE HUMS "La Cucaracha" "Open your ears - I'm playing it right now.
"You should request that song during the next one.
" Growing up, in school, I was the only kid in the whole school who liked mariachi music - it was a nightmare.
I couldn't walk down the corridor without some knob knocking my sombrero off my head.
Stepping on the back of my poncho on my way into maths class.
Once a kid wrote "Chimichanga bum boy" across my forehead while I was having my post-lunch siesta.
He also drew a moustache on my face, but to be fair, that played into my hands.
Bravo, very good.
It's close, but for sticking to the topic, James Acaster gets the points.
Well done to both of you, come on back.
APPLAUSE Our next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Matt, which category would you like? - Politics, please.
- Excellent, politics it is.
The answer is five, but what is the question? The amount of times a minute Ed Miliband remembers that stone.
Is itif I've got a tenner and want to book a boy band for my wedding, who can I afford? Everybody get up Is it what does Nigel Farage regard as an acceptable level of immigration? Is it how many snazzy ties did I try on before the show? - Eh, no.
- What is the maximum number of Euros you can get out of a Greek cashpoint at the moment? Is itif I'm watching a documentary on Adolf Hitler's favourite shark, which channel am I watching? What would be a cracking score for a UK entry in Eurovision? Is it how many of the Famous Five are now dead? - Surely not.
- Didn't want to break it to you like this.
Surely Julian is just sitting quietly in a rocking chair, remembering the adventures and going Laughing cos he killed 'em all.
LAUGHTER Is it how many basic bitches does it take to escort Kate Moss off an easyJet flight? - Is that a thing? - I'm a pretty basic bitch.
- I think you're an ornate bitch.
- So you think I'm a ratchet-ass hoe? Well I didn't want to make it too obvious I've got a little soft spot for you.
Oh, Dara Is it how many presenters from the 1970s are relaxed when the phone rings now? APPLAUSE Is it how many names are currently written on Taylor Swift's blank space? - ANDY: - Is it? - (It's a song.
) - I know it's a song.
I know Taylor Swift.
Haters gonna hate hate hate Is this what we do, whenever we mention any band you're going to do an impression? - No, that's not what's going to happen here.
- Is it Kate Bush? LAUGHTER The Village People.
- NWA.
- Stop it.
I think it ishow many candidates are there in the Labour leadership? Absolutely right, thank you very, very much, Hugh.
Yes, the question I was looking for is how many candidates have put themselves forward for the leadership of the Labour Party? Liz Kendall, Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper, Mary Creagh and Jeremy Corbyn have all announced their candidacies.
Kendall, Burnham and Cooper have already won the support of enough MPs to secure their place in the ballot, the other two have yet to.
If you'd like to be reminded of their faces, why don't we have a look at them now? There's.
.
this person.
And then there's this guy.
And what's-her-face.
And then yer one.
And that guy! So that's your line-up.
The Man from Del Monte?! It's the Labour leadership election, and you hope for the sake of Labour that they actually do win this election.
It would be very embarrassing for them if they don't manage to win this one, won't it? - You know - Could go either way.
- .
.
five of them standing, and just at the last moment the Conservatives pip them to it, so LAUGHTER Do you not think though, as we're discussing the Labour leadership, this is the point in the programme to say "Viewers in Scotland have your own programme.
" - The favourite is Andy Burnham.
- Possibly, yeah.
- He lost the last time to Ed Miliband.
- Yes.
This is a man who is less popular LAUGHTER .
.
than Ed Miliband.
They might as well just disband the party now.
I enjoyed watching Miliband.
A lot of people said he didn't have a personality, he had all sorts of physical tics.
I loved that thing he'd do where after each sentence he would look as though he'd heard someone's phone go off in the audience.
- MIMICS ED MILIBAND: - "Look, there's a cost of living crisis "in this country.
" LAUGHTER - Permanently startled.
- He was doing OK until that big stone appeared.
- Oh, the stone.
- That giant monolith.
He's got a lovely gravel driveway now, hasn't he? The thing though, I'd give them 40 quid for it cos I want a rockery with the words "control on immigration" built in.
That'd be just bizarre.
It's cos his advisers said his policies need to be available on tablet.
SCATTERED LAUGHTER Oh, come on! APPLAUSE It was the crushing literalism of "these policies are written in stone.
" "I know - we'll literally write them in stone!" No, no, no, that's like going, "There are lines in the sand I would not cross - bring me the sand! "Oh, I'm trapped on the other side of the line in the sand, "I can't get out.
" Andy Burnham's watching this going, "That's a hell of an idea!" "Yes, fantastic, sand everywhere!" Did you see that Nigel Farage story? The day before the election someone had stopped him in Ramsgate and called him a "racist, sexist, homophobic ex-banker.
" And he replied that he'd been a commodities broker.
Nigel Farage was described by his campaign spokesman after the election as "snarling, thin-skinned, aggressive" during the election campaign, but people didn't know he was actually on temazepam.
- Wasn't he? - Cos of his back? Yeah, the bad back, couldn't sleep at all, but he should have let more people know.
Could have just came up with a new campaign slogan - "You kip - I can't.
" APPLAUSE Douglas Carswell, who's their only MP left now, said, "I think Nigel needs two weeks off", cos he didn't dare say, "I think he needs to resign.
" Cos they're worried he's becoming too right wing, but what is two weeks on holiday going to achieve? He's not going to come back through customs with a sombrero on, going, "You know what? Some of them are all right.
" Ed Miliband went on holiday to Ibiza.
- He cane it big time? - He's lost an election, not failed his A-levels! He should have taken the lads with him, yeah! Photos of him coming back strawpedo-ing a Reef on Facebook? The last thing you need in a foam party would just be his face popping out of it.
They say about people not having character, people like Farage had the pint and stuff like that, if Miliband had done shots Cos nobody grabbed shots as their thing, you're right.
Always like, during anything, doing a debate or a press conference, every time someone mentions NHS he's got to do a shot.
Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! A bell goes off - "Wahey!" That's how you could campaign against the SNP, cos they're anti-nukes.
It'd be very simple, he'd go, MIMICS ED MILIBAND: "The SNP want to ban the bomb, "but there's one bomb they'll never ban.
"The Jagerbomb! Oi-oi!" At the end of that round, the points go to Matt, Katherine and Andy.
APPLAUSE Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
If everyone can make their way over to the performance area, I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is Fungal foot problem? Eugh! BUZZER Have you been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault? Of course you have.
Because that is the definition of an accident.
BUZZER Fifa summer sofa sale! Total office clear out! Bribe now, pay later.
Andrex.
Cos who wouldn't want to wipe their arse with a puppy? BUZZER Carlsberg don't do your girlfriend.
But I have.
BUZZER Whassuuuuuuuuuuuuup? Yeah, mate, I've got some bad news about your dad.
BUZZER Why pay more for ratchet, trifling-ass pilots when you can get to where you're going on easyJet? A basic bitch will get you there.
BUZZER We call it a Happy Meal.
The cow we killed wasn't too chuffed, though.
BUZZER Waitrose.
Two for the price of three.
APPLAUSE BUZZER We had debts all over the place, but Wonga took all those debts and put them in one simple loan.
They also took our house.
APPLAUSE Are your vet's bills getting on top of you? Then why not try Dognatas? BUZZER Want to save money on biscuits? Easy.
Give blood.
BUZZER From Laboratoire Garnier, Paris.
Because if we said it was from Unit 5 of a Luton industrial estate, you wouldn't buy it, would you? BUZZER APPLAUSE Struggling to sleep? Why not try ten cans of Stella? BUZZER Did you mistake your girlfriend for a burglar on Valentine's Day? Then you need to go to Specsavers.
BUZZER APPLAUSE I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
The Lynx effect.
BUZZER APPLAUSE Er, that one's accent is a bit more racist than that one's accent.
There you go.
Just compared the meerkats.
BUZZER OK, the next topic is Hi, is that NHS Direct? Yeah, a bit of a temperature and I've got an alien coming out of my stomach.
Two paracetamol, OK.
BUZZER OK, Mr Sulu, set course for the fourth quadrant of the Orion Nebula.
I think there's a Nando's there.
BUZZER We're sorry to announce that there is a replacement beam-down service this weekend between the ship and the planet Sploog.
APPLAUSE You've got to imagine this in a Scottish accent.
LAUGHTER This is our Independence Day! There you go.
They abducted us and took us to their spacecraft and then they explored our bodies with strange probes.
I'll be honest, it was the best stag night I'd ever been on.
BUZZER This man can now reach the full potential of his brain.
Joey, Joey, wake up, you can tie your shoes! Reem! BUZZER What the people don't know, Captain Kirk, is that when I do that V thing, that means, in Vulcan, "I've had your mum.
" BUZZER I think this time tunnel is broken.
We've gone 1,000 years into the future and Bruce Forsyth is still working.
BUZZER If you take the red pill, you will enter the Matrix.
If you take the blue pill, you will have a boner for seven hours.
BUZZER This is it.
The machines are taking over.
#apocalypse.
BUZZER Yeah, I've had a look at it, mate.
The problem is your nano boosters are shot and your warp drive is fucked.
BUZZER Our planet is dying.
We seek a new home.
Which of you is Phil and which of you is Kirstie? APPLAUSE BUZZER The dinosaurs are killing everyone.
Why do we keep reopening this park? Who keeps giving us public liability insurance? So, the plan is, you get in the time machine, go back in time and cock-block Hitler's dad.
BUZZER APPLAUSE Pho-o-o-one home.
"Phoning Joan.
" No, phone home.
APPLAUSE BUZZER At the end of that, the points go to Matt, Katherine and Andy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Josh Widdecombe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Matt Forde.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you for watching.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Good night.
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APPLAUSE Good evening, and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Matt Forde, Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We start this week by noting that this is actually the tenth anniversary of Mock The Week.
I just want to say We've been going for ten years, at this stage.
It's a very magical time in a panel show's life.
And I want to thank the BBC for the excellent cake they sent us about the whole thing, AND one of these, whose name I can never remember.
It really is quite a Literally if there's a defect, it's this.
This is what came.
This and a note going, "You saw what happened "to Never Mind The Buzzcocks, "it could happen to you.
" I mean, that's a really upbeat start to the show, isn't it? This is the best thing we get.
We start with the round called Picture Of The Week.
I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
So what is going on here? Is this Sepp Blatter meeting his hero Neptune, God of the Sea? Is it just happier times for DLT? Has someone in the audience just shouted, "Can anyone help me launder 10 million?" They're just saying, "This little piggy went to prison.
" Sepp Blatter is saying, "To avoid controversy, "the 2020 World Cup is awarded to Islamic State.
" Two people auditioning for the Happy Days reboot.
Or "Still as cool as ever, it's Entourage - The Movie.
" Have Channel 5 just unveiled their rivals to Ant and Dec? Any of you know who exactly this is? - Sepp Blatter.
- Yes.
And what he'll look like when he crosses the Swiss border.
The other bloke's name is Chuck Blazer.
Yep.
Who is, weirdly, American.
How American is that? He might as well be called McApple Pie Stars And Stripes III.
Yes, this is the news that Sepp Blatter has said he will give up his post as Fifa president after 17 years at the helm.
His resignation follows allegations of corruption and bribery surrounding various World Cup bids thanks to an FBI investigation and testimony by former Fifa executive Chuck Blazer, Chuck Blazer obviously being the man with the enormously large hand sitting next to him.
He made his money in modelling for those foam hands that Americans wear at sporting events.
Chuck Blazer, in fact, was arrested by the FBI in New York on a mobility scooter.
He was chased by the FBI on a mobility scooter.
I would like to have seen that chase, you know? "Quick, quick! He appears not to be stopping.
"We may have to break into a jog.
" Chuck Blazer is an amazing bloke, though, isn't he? He's got a parrot.
He's got a parrot on his shoulder, and the brilliant thing about the parrot is that he was married and the parrot went with his wife after the divorce, and then six months later, she gave him the parrot back.
He didn't know, but in the interim, she had taught the parrot to slag him off.
You can do that with real-life kids.
This is an outrage.
It's an absolute outrage.
I think we forget sometimes who the real victims are.
It's people like me who see the word Fifa, I know that words mean football, there's a secret history that you guys know all about, I've no idea what's going on.
I thought they got arrested because all their migrant workers were dying all over the place.
That's apparently not the problem.
That's fine.
No-one has raised No, that's fine.
- We went for the 2018 bid, didn't we? - Yeah.
And we've got loads of dodgy bankers, but who did we put up for the 2018 bid? David Beckham and Prince William.
If our bid had been hosted by Nick Leeson leading a delegate of Barclays and RBS, we'd have got the 2018 and 2022 World Cup.
APPLAUSE You can't give it to Qatar, this place in the middle of the desert, that has no prior connection with football, and not expect people to get suspicious.
It would be like giving Aled Jones a Mobo.
But what was Sepp Blatter's response to this? Well, Sepp Blatter, he's gone and resigned, hasn't he? - But he's not going for a while.
- No.
But he's not going to get much of a leaving present, is he? When they pass round that envelope round the office, they're all just going to be taking money out.
I don't know if he's really going to leave.
- I mean, he said, what, December? - Yeah.
That's a smart move.
You get to December, but everyone's full of Christmas spirit.
You get to pull the old, "You wouldn't fire an old man "at Christmas, would you?" He's there for a year.
You know, it's very difficult stepping down, though, isn't it? It's very difficult.
Do you know what would have helped him step down a lot quicker? A Sepp ladder.
Well done, well done.
You knew it was coming.
APPLAUSE I'm impressed you waited that long, to be honest with you.
Probably been pointed out that Chuck Blazer who's a guy in a mobility scooter with a parrot and an afro that goes all the way around his face is the one that was undercover.
- Cos they wired him up.
- A wire.
Did they have it just in his beard? Then he would wink to people and go, "Say nothing", and lifted his beard, a small man with a boom mic just sitting in his beard.
"Let me turn off the parrot's recording equipment.
" His wife will have taught the parrot to go, "He's wearing a wire.
"He's wearing a wire.
" Was it not that he didn't need to wear a wire, it's just the parrot would repeat it all back? Also, they would be Surely when the FBI were listening back to the tapes of Blazer, the first half hour was just his colleagues making fun of his appearance.
- HE IMITATES TAPE FAST-FORWARDING - You wrote Game of Thrones.
- HE IMITATES TAPE FAST-FORWARDING - You're Santa Claus.
HE IMITATES TAPE FAST-FORWARDING Good to see David Bellamy's in town.
Also in the news this week, who can tell me what's going on here? Is that Barack Obama playing Pretzel Buckaroo? Or is Barack shaking the hand of the very pretzel that choked George W Bush? It's like a German version of Come Dine With Me.
"Angela has broken all the plates "and is serving the pretzels on a mug tree.
" Is Angela Merkel saying to Barack Obama, GERMAN ACCENT: "Well, Barack, you must prepare for the WURST.
" APPLAUSE - Thank you very much.
- Lovely.
Welcome to 1970s comedy.
They all sound - the FBI X-rayed his sausages and his pretzel - They did.
- .
.
before he was allowed to eat them.
Presumably, obviously, because a wayward pretzel led to the demise, almost, of George Bush, and a wayward sausage almost led to the demise of Bill Clinton.
So Almost - everyone looks happy, apart from Angela Merkel's husband, who looks like he's attempting to move the pretzels with his mind.
Cos he liked the fact the guy didn't just have a brush on his hat, but he jazzed it up with four badges as well, it's quite a look.
- It's amazing.
- When you wear a hat like that, you don't expect there to be five other people at the table wearing that hat.
You just turn up and go, "Oh, you've gotta be joking.
"I made this myself out of stuff I found in the garden - "you can't possibly Ugh.
" The danger of drinking at 11 in the morning at the G7 is that by the time you get to the final communique, it reads SLURS: "I I love you.
"This is the best G7 I have ever been to.
" "Dear Putin "Miss you.
" Do you reckon they had to do that thing, cos, like, the others hadn't turned up - Obama had to text David Cameron, and said, "I'd get on it on the train, mate.
"Cos we are going to be hammered by the time you get here.
"I'd get a couple of those small gin and tonics if I was you, "cos Angela is almost sideways already.
" Hang on, is this the G7 where five of the others have yet to arrive? Yeah, but, Obama's But Obama's just kind of sitting with Mr and Mrs Merkel going, "Where are you? "You said 11 o'clock by the man with the squirrel hat.
"What are you? I'm on my own.
"What are you doing, to leave me here on my own?" He's having a nice time.
No breakfast is ever made better by Stephen Harper and David Cameron showing up to it.
It's not like waiting to start the party when Cameron gets there.
Oi-oi! From the other side, they all turn they all turn, and Cameron's like, "Wahey! "Here it comes!" HE IMITATES TROMBONE Knocking pretzels out of people's hands.
"Give us your fuckin' hat! Weurgh!" I bet Cameron's got seven nickname T-shirts in the back of his bag.
"Miss Demeanour".
"Captain Austerity's here!" "The Merkster - put it on! "Put it on! Put it on.
" "You will put it on! Merkster! Put it on!" He's like that.
He does bring the party.
So, who was noticeably absent form the G7? - Vladimir Putin.
- Yeah - and he WOULD bring the party! "Check e-mails again.
"Maybe in Junk folder there is invitation?" That's just the saddest picture I've ever seen.
- No - I think, out of shot, he's looking at one of those brush hats that he bought for the event.
That's why they had beers.
That's why they had beers early - so they could go, "Oh, mate - you missed the best one ever.
"He was wasted by three o'clock - I got off with Merkel!" I like to think that Cos Putin's not going to take it very well, but I like to think that he had his own G1 summit.
He said, "Only an insane man in a dream "would think that Russia would attack NATO.
" And you wonder, actually, whether he had in fact had that dream himself and he was giving the rest of the world a bit of a heads up on his current mental state.
Cos he's insane.
You can't say that about yourself - that'd be like saying, "Only a total legend "would come back from the bar with eight Jagerbombs!" "Oh, David Cameron, you've done it again! "Wait, there's only six here.
" "It's a long walk! Boom!" At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Hugh and James! We're winning, we're winning.
Now we play a round called I Can't Believe It's Not Blatter.
This game involves Matt and James, so, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This round is a stand-up challenge - I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is Interviews.
Who wants to come in that? - OK.
- Matt.
- I'll go for that.
It's fascinating watching different politicians and how they deal with interviews.
Ed Miliband, when he gets asked a question he doesn't like, will just have this amazing technique, where he'll just ask himself a new question and answer that instead.
And it really works - he got asked before the election by Nick Robinson, "Er, Mr Miliband, "you've said you've set a mansion tax if you become Prime Minister, "but you won't yet tell us at what rate you would set it.
" And Miliband just went, "Look, Nick, if you're asking me, "have I got a plan for the housing market, then the answer's yes.
" It's amazing.
Farage is one of the best ones at it, because no matter what you ask him, he'll get a political answer in somewhere.
You could say, "Nigel, what have you had for breakfast, mate?" And he'll go, "Tea, toast and the Telegraph - "Great British breakfast.
" He always manages to get his messages across.
Boris Johnson is fascinating, because he just loves avoiding questions, and he uses a twin track approach of flattery and Latin.
And this genuinely works.
If he was here now, you could say, "Boris, come on, just admit it - "You want to be Prime Minister.
" He'd go, "Oh, no, no, no.
"Let me just say, great to be here amongst such great, learned people "on this crucible of culture.
"Reminds me very much of a phrase my father used to use, you know? " 'Divitas, divitum, rectum.
' " Well done, Matt.
Very good.
OK, so, James is left - let's see what he's been left with.
Let's spin the wheel.
And the topic is Britain.
I wish I was Mexican.
Love everything, but I love Mexican food.
My favourite place to eat is a Mexican restaurant called Wahaca.
All you need to know about Wahaca, everyone steals their spoons.
So much so that every January, Wahaca have a spoon amnesty on.
You bring back one of the stolen spoons, and then they reward you with free tacos.
Genius.
Not only do they get their spoons back, they also get to watch while the thieves eat tacos which, I imagine, have been interfered with beyond belief.
I love Mexican food.
I love Mexican music - mariachi music, best music in the world.
Top three mariachi songs - number one HE HUMS "The Mexican Hat Dance" Number two HE HUMS "La Cucaracha" Number three - nothing, cos there are no other mariachi songs.
Ever been to a mariachi nightclub? It's full of people just going up to the DJ, like, "Hey, man, have you got" HE HUMS "The Mexican Hat Dance" "Yeah, I'll play it next.
" "How about" HE HUMS "La Cucaracha" "Open your ears - I'm playing it right now.
"You should request that song during the next one.
" Growing up, in school, I was the only kid in the whole school who liked mariachi music - it was a nightmare.
I couldn't walk down the corridor without some knob knocking my sombrero off my head.
Stepping on the back of my poncho on my way into maths class.
Once a kid wrote "Chimichanga bum boy" across my forehead while I was having my post-lunch siesta.
He also drew a moustache on my face, but to be fair, that played into my hands.
Bravo, very good.
It's close, but for sticking to the topic, James Acaster gets the points.
Well done to both of you, come on back.
APPLAUSE Our next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Matt, which category would you like? - Politics, please.
- Excellent, politics it is.
The answer is five, but what is the question? The amount of times a minute Ed Miliband remembers that stone.
Is itif I've got a tenner and want to book a boy band for my wedding, who can I afford? Everybody get up Is it what does Nigel Farage regard as an acceptable level of immigration? Is it how many snazzy ties did I try on before the show? - Eh, no.
- What is the maximum number of Euros you can get out of a Greek cashpoint at the moment? Is itif I'm watching a documentary on Adolf Hitler's favourite shark, which channel am I watching? What would be a cracking score for a UK entry in Eurovision? Is it how many of the Famous Five are now dead? - Surely not.
- Didn't want to break it to you like this.
Surely Julian is just sitting quietly in a rocking chair, remembering the adventures and going Laughing cos he killed 'em all.
LAUGHTER Is it how many basic bitches does it take to escort Kate Moss off an easyJet flight? - Is that a thing? - I'm a pretty basic bitch.
- I think you're an ornate bitch.
- So you think I'm a ratchet-ass hoe? Well I didn't want to make it too obvious I've got a little soft spot for you.
Oh, Dara Is it how many presenters from the 1970s are relaxed when the phone rings now? APPLAUSE Is it how many names are currently written on Taylor Swift's blank space? - ANDY: - Is it? - (It's a song.
) - I know it's a song.
I know Taylor Swift.
Haters gonna hate hate hate Is this what we do, whenever we mention any band you're going to do an impression? - No, that's not what's going to happen here.
- Is it Kate Bush? LAUGHTER The Village People.
- NWA.
- Stop it.
I think it ishow many candidates are there in the Labour leadership? Absolutely right, thank you very, very much, Hugh.
Yes, the question I was looking for is how many candidates have put themselves forward for the leadership of the Labour Party? Liz Kendall, Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper, Mary Creagh and Jeremy Corbyn have all announced their candidacies.
Kendall, Burnham and Cooper have already won the support of enough MPs to secure their place in the ballot, the other two have yet to.
If you'd like to be reminded of their faces, why don't we have a look at them now? There's.
.
this person.
And then there's this guy.
And what's-her-face.
And then yer one.
And that guy! So that's your line-up.
The Man from Del Monte?! It's the Labour leadership election, and you hope for the sake of Labour that they actually do win this election.
It would be very embarrassing for them if they don't manage to win this one, won't it? - You know - Could go either way.
- .
.
five of them standing, and just at the last moment the Conservatives pip them to it, so LAUGHTER Do you not think though, as we're discussing the Labour leadership, this is the point in the programme to say "Viewers in Scotland have your own programme.
" - The favourite is Andy Burnham.
- Possibly, yeah.
- He lost the last time to Ed Miliband.
- Yes.
This is a man who is less popular LAUGHTER .
.
than Ed Miliband.
They might as well just disband the party now.
I enjoyed watching Miliband.
A lot of people said he didn't have a personality, he had all sorts of physical tics.
I loved that thing he'd do where after each sentence he would look as though he'd heard someone's phone go off in the audience.
- MIMICS ED MILIBAND: - "Look, there's a cost of living crisis "in this country.
" LAUGHTER - Permanently startled.
- He was doing OK until that big stone appeared.
- Oh, the stone.
- That giant monolith.
He's got a lovely gravel driveway now, hasn't he? The thing though, I'd give them 40 quid for it cos I want a rockery with the words "control on immigration" built in.
That'd be just bizarre.
It's cos his advisers said his policies need to be available on tablet.
SCATTERED LAUGHTER Oh, come on! APPLAUSE It was the crushing literalism of "these policies are written in stone.
" "I know - we'll literally write them in stone!" No, no, no, that's like going, "There are lines in the sand I would not cross - bring me the sand! "Oh, I'm trapped on the other side of the line in the sand, "I can't get out.
" Andy Burnham's watching this going, "That's a hell of an idea!" "Yes, fantastic, sand everywhere!" Did you see that Nigel Farage story? The day before the election someone had stopped him in Ramsgate and called him a "racist, sexist, homophobic ex-banker.
" And he replied that he'd been a commodities broker.
Nigel Farage was described by his campaign spokesman after the election as "snarling, thin-skinned, aggressive" during the election campaign, but people didn't know he was actually on temazepam.
- Wasn't he? - Cos of his back? Yeah, the bad back, couldn't sleep at all, but he should have let more people know.
Could have just came up with a new campaign slogan - "You kip - I can't.
" APPLAUSE Douglas Carswell, who's their only MP left now, said, "I think Nigel needs two weeks off", cos he didn't dare say, "I think he needs to resign.
" Cos they're worried he's becoming too right wing, but what is two weeks on holiday going to achieve? He's not going to come back through customs with a sombrero on, going, "You know what? Some of them are all right.
" Ed Miliband went on holiday to Ibiza.
- He cane it big time? - He's lost an election, not failed his A-levels! He should have taken the lads with him, yeah! Photos of him coming back strawpedo-ing a Reef on Facebook? The last thing you need in a foam party would just be his face popping out of it.
They say about people not having character, people like Farage had the pint and stuff like that, if Miliband had done shots Cos nobody grabbed shots as their thing, you're right.
Always like, during anything, doing a debate or a press conference, every time someone mentions NHS he's got to do a shot.
Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! A bell goes off - "Wahey!" That's how you could campaign against the SNP, cos they're anti-nukes.
It'd be very simple, he'd go, MIMICS ED MILIBAND: "The SNP want to ban the bomb, "but there's one bomb they'll never ban.
"The Jagerbomb! Oi-oi!" At the end of that round, the points go to Matt, Katherine and Andy.
APPLAUSE Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
If everyone can make their way over to the performance area, I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is Fungal foot problem? Eugh! BUZZER Have you been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault? Of course you have.
Because that is the definition of an accident.
BUZZER Fifa summer sofa sale! Total office clear out! Bribe now, pay later.
Andrex.
Cos who wouldn't want to wipe their arse with a puppy? BUZZER Carlsberg don't do your girlfriend.
But I have.
BUZZER Whassuuuuuuuuuuuuup? Yeah, mate, I've got some bad news about your dad.
BUZZER Why pay more for ratchet, trifling-ass pilots when you can get to where you're going on easyJet? A basic bitch will get you there.
BUZZER We call it a Happy Meal.
The cow we killed wasn't too chuffed, though.
BUZZER Waitrose.
Two for the price of three.
APPLAUSE BUZZER We had debts all over the place, but Wonga took all those debts and put them in one simple loan.
They also took our house.
APPLAUSE Are your vet's bills getting on top of you? Then why not try Dognatas? BUZZER Want to save money on biscuits? Easy.
Give blood.
BUZZER From Laboratoire Garnier, Paris.
Because if we said it was from Unit 5 of a Luton industrial estate, you wouldn't buy it, would you? BUZZER APPLAUSE Struggling to sleep? Why not try ten cans of Stella? BUZZER Did you mistake your girlfriend for a burglar on Valentine's Day? Then you need to go to Specsavers.
BUZZER APPLAUSE I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
The Lynx effect.
BUZZER APPLAUSE Er, that one's accent is a bit more racist than that one's accent.
There you go.
Just compared the meerkats.
BUZZER OK, the next topic is Hi, is that NHS Direct? Yeah, a bit of a temperature and I've got an alien coming out of my stomach.
Two paracetamol, OK.
BUZZER OK, Mr Sulu, set course for the fourth quadrant of the Orion Nebula.
I think there's a Nando's there.
BUZZER We're sorry to announce that there is a replacement beam-down service this weekend between the ship and the planet Sploog.
APPLAUSE You've got to imagine this in a Scottish accent.
LAUGHTER This is our Independence Day! There you go.
They abducted us and took us to their spacecraft and then they explored our bodies with strange probes.
I'll be honest, it was the best stag night I'd ever been on.
BUZZER This man can now reach the full potential of his brain.
Joey, Joey, wake up, you can tie your shoes! Reem! BUZZER What the people don't know, Captain Kirk, is that when I do that V thing, that means, in Vulcan, "I've had your mum.
" BUZZER I think this time tunnel is broken.
We've gone 1,000 years into the future and Bruce Forsyth is still working.
BUZZER If you take the red pill, you will enter the Matrix.
If you take the blue pill, you will have a boner for seven hours.
BUZZER This is it.
The machines are taking over.
#apocalypse.
BUZZER Yeah, I've had a look at it, mate.
The problem is your nano boosters are shot and your warp drive is fucked.
BUZZER Our planet is dying.
We seek a new home.
Which of you is Phil and which of you is Kirstie? APPLAUSE BUZZER The dinosaurs are killing everyone.
Why do we keep reopening this park? Who keeps giving us public liability insurance? So, the plan is, you get in the time machine, go back in time and cock-block Hitler's dad.
BUZZER APPLAUSE Pho-o-o-one home.
"Phoning Joan.
" No, phone home.
APPLAUSE BUZZER At the end of that, the points go to Matt, Katherine and Andy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Josh Widdecombe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Matt Forde.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you for watching.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Good night.
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