Modern Family s02e08 Episode Script

Manny Get Your Gun

Good afternoon.
Thanks for coming.
It's so nice to spend my birthday surrounded by so many smiling faces.
I was almost too depressed to come today.
I realized I let my childhood slip away.
Come on, everybody! We're gonna be late for Manny's birthday.
Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go! - I'm ready, Mom.
- You sure, honey? - Yup.
- Wanna take a quick peek at your feet? Oh, come on, Luke.
Are you gonna walk faster, or should I get Lily's stroller out of the car and push you? Would you relax? The restaurant's five minutes away from here.
- Oh, free lotion.
- Stop stopping to smell the roses.
Manny's present.
- Oh, you are such a Pritchett.
- What's that supposed to mean? Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go! - I'm looking for the keys! - Of course you are.
I like being on time.
It's easy, 'cause I'm organized.
Not my wife.
You'd think growing up in a place full of death squads and drunken uncles she'd have learned to move a little bit faster.
Ay.
Sorry, sorry.
I couldn't find my earring.
So what were we talking about, huh? Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey .
Honey, come on.
We're gonna be late.
Let's go.
- Yeah, yeah, just filling out the application to family camp.
- Oh.
You don't win the Dirty Dancing competition and not go back to defend your crown.
Mmm.
That's right.
Come on, honey.
But shoot for the king you'd better kill him.
Every summer we spend a week at family camp.
- It's just like regular camp, but with the family! - Yeah.
I don't think that needed any clarification, Phil.
Somebody's still a little touchy - about losing last year's color war.
- Not.
She was on Team Blue or as I like to refer to them, as Team Blue-ser.
Phil, have you learned nothing? That's true.
My good man.
Okay, come on, everybody.
Front door.
Now! Claire, relax.
It takes 15 minutes to get there.
- It takes 20 minutes.
- If we take your route.
- My way is the most direct.
- Directly into traffic.
Your way is directly into the suckiest way.
- You wanna make this interesting? - I don't think that's possible.
- We take two cars and see who gets there first.
- Fine.
Fine.
Let's do that.
- It's on.
- Yeah! It is on.
I'll take the girls.
- Luke, your dad and I are splitting up.
- Why? - Another one of their stupid arguments.
- Okay.
- I'll go with Dad.
- No, no, buddy.
Come with me.
Prepare to be My shoes.
Come on, Phil.
- How do I look? - Like Al Capone.
- Thanks.
- Happy birthday, kid.
Whoa.
A BB gun? Enjoy.
That's the best gift my dad ever gave me.
My keys are nowhere.
We're gonna have to go in your car.
It's in the shop.
Where was the last place you put your keys? So now it's my fault? Where was the last place you put my keys? In your hand, when I bought you the car.
Hey, Jay, on the box it says ages 16 and up.
Is this an appropriate gift for me? Are you kidding me? You were born 16.
We wouldn't be having this problem if you hadn't lost the spare set.
I didn't lose them.
Somebody came in here and stole them.
And left the car.
What do you mean, I was born 16? I'm just saying, you were never much of a kid and that's a good thing, 'cause I never liked kids.
You ought to try the fridge 'cause that's where we found your cell phone.
It was only one time, Jay and you know I always eat after I talk to my mother.
Happy birthday, old man.
Well, I've forgotten a lot of things in my life but what Jay said hit me hard.
I'd forgotten to have a childhood.
- Dad, that was a stop sign.
- I'll stop twice on the way back.
Oh, good.
It'll give us a chance to pick up that hubcap you lost cutting through the temple parking lot.
Yellow.
Yellow! Okay.
Are you seeing this? We are making every light, and we don't even have to speed.
The system works.
- Mom? - I know.
I went a little fast back there.
- But really, 40 is the same as 35.
- You say that a lot.
- I don't think you two appreciate what's at stake here.
- Our lives? You know I love your mother, but I think you also know a certain look she gets that says "Just listen to me.
I'm always right.
" - You mean her face? - Now we're getting this.
If we're right this one time, then we never have to be right again.
When she says, "That balloon can't carry a person, Phil," I say, "Manny's birthday.
" - Take a jacket, Alex.
I think it's gonna rain.
- Manny's birthday.
- Don't look at me.
Look at the road.
- Manny's birthday.
No, Dad, look at the road! There's a truck! Sweet baby Jesús! We are so kicking your dad's butt! We are the best ones! - How come you and Dad are breaking up? - What? It was just a little disagreement.
Can't you just work it out? Oh, sweetie, you thought that when I said we were splitting up No.
No, your dad and I are fine, honey.
We just were gonna take separate cars to see who could get to the restaurant faster.
- Oh, that's a relief.
- Oh, you must have been feeling awful back there.
- I am so sorry.
- It's okay.
Why did you say you'd go with your dad? Great.
Mom gets to be right again.
Hey, bad attitudes lose races.
No, swerving into a curb and popping your tire loses races.
We should call the cops and say Mom's car was stolen.
- They arrest her, we win.
- No, they trace those calls.
But this is great.
Thinking like a team.
Good practice for family camp.
We're, uh We're doing that again? Oh, yeah.
And this year I predict total White domination.
Mm-hmm.
Can't go back there.
I heard this summer, there's gonna be a hoedown.
- I can't.
- Haley! I can't! I can't.
Eight minutes talking to the lady at the stationery store and still no present.
- I think a new friend is like a present.
- Yeah, I read that card too.
Can we please just buy the next thing we see and get out of here? Why can't you enjoy this? It's a beautiful afternoon.
Lily's with a sitter.
The day is ours.
Helen! Helen! H-H-H-Helen.
Helen! Oh, look at that.
Another friend.
Off we go.
Very busy.
No.
Stop.
You are too tied to your rigid schedules.
You're missing life.
It took all of two seconds to help this nice man.
Uh, well, w-wait.
There's more.
- Two seconds.
- Yeah.
Tell her I'm so sorry.
I've always loved her.
He says he's so sorry and that he's always loved you! Please come up and talk to me.
Please come up and talk to him! His life would be empty without you! I'm sorry I'm going off script.
It just felt right.
Good Oh.
Too late.
No.
You know what? Give him your cell phone.
I'll chase Helen down and give her my phone.
They can hash it out.
- Are you Are you serious? - Yes, I'm serious as a heart attack.
You always do this.
Now we're gonna be late to our own party.
Stop shouting! Technically, I wasn't really Uh, yes, hello.
Is Seymour Butts there? I never made a prank call never mixed different sodas together to see what they'd taste like.
So I knew I had to make the most of what little childhood I had left.
Not Lutz.
I'm looking for Butts.
Yes, I'm trying to get ahold of Butts.
Very funny.
I don't have time for this foolishness.
Maybe if you had a system for where you leave things.
I have a system.
I put down things, then I remember where I put them.
And that would preferable to, say putting them on the key holder which just happens to look like a large key? Stop screaming! - What are you doing? - Turning back the clock.
- Disgusting.
- Don't judge me.
You've never been married.
This never happened.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- That's a good man.
Boy.
I'm a boy! You all right? You okay? Well, why do you ask? Oh, okay.
I think this is for you.
I don't know what to say to him.
- Just open your heart and listen, Helen.
- Okay.
Hello? I dropped your phone.
Yeah.
I was here when it happened.
Okay.
It's all right.
We'll just - I can't.
I-I just can't.
- Helen, you have to try.
I once almost let my own fears stop me from embarking on a relationship and I would have lost the love of my life.
- Helen! - Donald? - Cam? - Hang on! Hang on, Helen! I'll have you down in a jiffy.
Hold on tight.
Ow.
Nails.
Helen, nails, nails, nails.
Helen.
Helen.
At least just give me a chance.
- Give him a chance! - She's right here.
- Cam, come on.
We're running out of time.
- We're running out of time? Sensitive.
Go to him.
Oh, it's nice that you care so much about us.
- Without love, we're nothing.
- But what about his wife? - It was a pleasure meeting you both.
- Okay.
I get it, Luke.
You think he's the fun one.
That's why you'd go with him.
What? You think your dad is more fun than I am.
- Definitely.
- Definitely.
- Dad's, like, crazy fun.
- Mm-hmm.
- But you're nice.
- I'm nice? Well, not now.
- Tell him.
- Tell me what? - Nothing.
- Hey.
- What do we call Daddy's car, girls? - The cone of trust.
The cone of trust.
Exactamundo.
Where you can speak your mind with no judgment.
So what is it? Boys? Your bodies are changing? Eggs? No! No.
We were just thinking that maybe - Mmm? - If if you're open to it Dad, we love you, but we do not want to go to family camp this year.
- Dad? - Are you upset? No.
- Then what was that sniff? - Sniff? What sniff? I'm-I'm, uh I'm actually relieved.
The day that I've been dreading uh, the day when you two finally outgrow me has finally arrived and I'm handling it really well.
- Dad, are you crying? - Nope.
- Are you sure you're okay? - Yep.
- Oh, my God, he is crying.
- I've never seen Dad cry before.
- But, Dad, if you cry, then I'll cry! - I'm not crying.
We made our daddy cry! - You called me Daddy! - Because you are our daddy! I'll always be your daddy! - Don't cry, Mom.
- I am not crying.
Let me fill you in on a little secret, Luke.
When I met your dad, I was fun too.
But I had to give all that up, because you can't have two fun parents.
That's a carnival.
You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with a hundred-dollar bill? Two fun parents.
Mark my words.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God! - You're fun too, Mom.
- Uh-huh.
I just decided to go with Dad because I think he'd need me more.
- How come I do all the looking and you do all the sitting? - 'Cause you do all the losing.
Oh, and you're this close of doing all the sleeping in a tent in the backyard.
Did you check your purse? - Yes, of course.
- It's a big purse.
- You might want to look again.
- Okay.
I check.
You rest.
No.
There's nothing.
- You sure? - Yes.
I've looked twice now.
There's nothing.
Okay.
Then you better call us a cab.
Manny! Manny? What the hell? Where'd that thing come from? Christmas.
Two years ago.
Never took it out of the box.
"Who would enjoy that?" I thought.
A kid, that's who.
Well, come on.
We've got your party.
What's the point? You were right.
I-I was born 16.
I've lost my childhood.
Why did you want me to look again in my purse, Jay, huh? - Is it because you put the keys in there? - No.
Why? Did you find them? Yes, I found them because you put the keys in there! Manny, what the hell are you doing there? He wants to cancel his party because he missed his childhood.
The party that I have rescheduled three times changing the restaurant twice so that the whole family could be together? Please send my regrets.
Now if I could have a little privacy Privacy? ¡ Esa es la que me faltaba a mí! Privacy en esta casa! That a skateboard down there? - The second thing that slipped right out from under me today.
- Okay, time to get out.
- The first was my childhood.
- I get it! I am so sick of stubborn men.
You, you act like a little boy that doesn't want to accept that he's wrong.
And you like a sad old man that doesn't want to be happy! That's it! - You could have shot me! - Come on, Manny.
I could've unbuttoned your shirt if I wanted to.
Now come here or sink! And I'm taking this with me in the car.
Vámonos.
- I know that face, Mitchell.
- And we're walking.
I'm sorry.
It means you were right and I was wrong for trying to help two people.
- Adulterers? - Fair enough.
Actually, the most adult adulterers ever.
- But my impulse was still right.
Life is about being - Oh, God.
Here we go.
Yes.
You know what? Here we do go.
It's about being spontaneous.
It's about throwing yourself into something not working long hours every night at the office.
- It's every - Free your mind ## - What is this? - I don't know.
Excuse me, Constable.
What is going on? I wear tight clothing High-heeled shoes It doesn't mean that I'm a prostitute, no, no .
Oh, it's a flash mob! It's a flash mob! Oh! We saw it on YouTube.
Remember? People get together and choreograph big dance numbers.
- We should go.
This is kind of weird.
- No, this is joyful, Mitchell.
You, of all people, should Why, oh, why must it be this way ## Before you can read me you got to learn how to see me - Cam's right.
- I can be a little rigid.
So when Chad from accounting, who I always thought was gay but apparently is not um, told me about this flash mob, I thought, hells yes! Uh, we've been practicing after work a couple of nights a week.
And it's it's been a big commitment, but it's totally worth it.
This dance is my love letter to Cam.
Before you can read me you got to learn how to see me I said, free your mind and the rest will follow Be colorblind Don't be so shallow Free your mind And the rest will follow Be colorblind Don't be so shallow Free your mind All right! Okay, so this is why I was rushing you around.
Huh? What do you think of me now? - How could you, Mitchell? - What? Cameron.
- Cameron - Not now, Donald! You do fun stuff.
You do fun stuff.
You put that potato chip in my sandwich.
That was a crunchy surprise.
Nope.
That was your dad.
Everything fun is your dad.
Second Christmas, Italian accent night, this race.
Which we could've won.
Your way is way faster.
It is, isn't it? Buckle up, Luke.
Today you have two fun parents.
- Come on, Mom.
You can do it.
- That's right, I can.
Tell me the truth, Jay.
Did you put the key in my bag? - No.
- I won't be mad.
In order to prove a point, I may have - I knew it! - Oh! Ow! Why did I get you such a big watch? Why, Jay? What point do you have to prove? I'm trying to teach you to be organized.
Your mind is scattered, Gloria.
Your mind is gonna be scattered! Manny, hand me the gun! I appreciate the gesture, and I'm not proud of how I'm feeling right now but the fact is, you cheated on me.
In what way did I cheat on y You cheated on me with choreography, and that is the worst kind.
Okay.
Well, it really isn't.
You danced without me, Mitchell! If I'd known it was my last summer there, I'd have gone for the lead in Pippin.
Dad, look up ahead, coming at us.
There's Mom! Beat her! - I don't think he's in the mood for that right now.
- Hold on.
No.
If ever a man needed a win, it's this man.
- What do you say, Dad? - Okay.
This one's for family camp.
- Whoo! - Whoo-hoo! - Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! - Ohh! - This is so inappropriate! - I love you! - Go! Go! Go! Go! - Ohh! Mom, look out! - Cam! - Oh! Anybody hurt? I am.
- Ma'am.
- Hi.
I was almost too depressed to come today.
I realized I let my childhood slip away.
Look at Luke there, making one big straw out of three.
Never change, Luke.
I really thought it was too late for me.
But watching all of you acting like children, it hit me I've got plenty of time left to be a kid.
Anyway, happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday, Manny.
I have been a child.
I'm sorry I hid the keys.
I'm sorry I shoot the island.
We're totally racing home.
I'm way ahead of you, as usual.
- They say it's going to be a rainy weekend.
- They don't know.
I do.
My knee's been singing all morning.
Unbelievable.
Mother of G Put them down and walk away.
You know, Gloria Before you can read me you got to learn how to see me Before you can read me you got to learn how to see me I said, free your mind and the rest will follow Be colorblind Don't be so shallow Free your mind And the rest will follow Be colorblind Don't be so shallow Free your mind English - US - SDH