Modern Family s02e19 Episode Script

The Musical Man

Excuse me.
I'm so sorry.
I never do this with celebrities but are you by any chance the foxy mom in the new Horizon Realty ad? - Am I gonna regret doing that? - Did the Marlboro Man have any regrets? This ad is perfect.
See, I'm not just selling houses, I'm selling myself and the best part about me is my family.
And my teeth.
- And both are on display in this ad.
- Mmm.
"I can't be satisfied until you're satisfied"? Coming soon to a bus bench near you.
- Not to mention our minivan.
- So that's really happening? Wait, what's happening to our minivan? Having this bad boy shrink-wrapped on it.
- Classy.
- Yep.
Now all that driving around your mom does will serve a purpose.
Good morning, family.
- How are you all doing on this beautiful day? - Okay, what's this? - Haley's S.
Scores are available online.
- I hate you.
- Oh.
Today's the big day.
- Let's take a look, see how she did.
Do we really have to look at them now? Don't worry.
We're not expecting any miracles.
Thank you.
Are those Haley's scores? Are you sure? Are they bad? - No.
They're not bad.
- Are they good? No, they're average.
Sweetie, we did it.
Our baby is average.
- Medium five.
- Oh.
This is just a fluke.
She can take them again.
Yeah, and she'll probably do even better.
You are gonna have your choice of some pretty good colleges when the time comes.
- If I go to college.
- What? I've been thinking about it lately, and I might not.
Well, we took the scenic route, but we ended up in the same place.
Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey # Hey ## # From Zimbabwe to Algeria Come on, let me hear ya # These are the countries These are the countries .
Cam recently became Franklin Middle School's interim musical director.
Go, Franklin! I was volunteering for their spring musical festival when their regular director suddenly and mysteriously became ill.
Oh, sorry.
It may have been a blessing.
Their show lacked focus.
I gave it a theme a musical trip around the world.
Yeah, see, he focused it by making it about the world.
- You don't like it.
- No, Cam, I do.
It's Do you think that the kids are gonna be able to learn it by tonight? Maybe you should stick with something they already know.
I knew this would happen! Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams? - I do not.
- You do it all the time.
And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams! I heard it as soon as I said it.
Just leave it alone.
All right.
Well, Cam, it's just that sometimes you can be a little, you know, overenthusiastic.
Is it really that big of a deal that I want this to be the best show in the world? Well, as long as you heard me.
Be in my corner.
Don't be so critical.
What Is that really how you see me? Sometimes, yeah, I do, Mitchell.
Oh, Cam.
Well, if that's true, then I'm sorry.
No, okay.
From now on, I am in your corner, 100%.
- And that song is gonna knock everyone out.
- Well, I don't know.
- But wait till you see the dance I have prepared.
- A dance? A dance! - More toast, Manny? - Why won't you call me, Emma? More toast, Emma? Do you have to be on all the time? Okay, I'm sorry.
Who is this Emma? She's in the show with me tonight.
I'm thinking of taking a run at her.
You don't take a run at a woman.
You woo her.
You make her feel special.
Hey, hon, take a look at this.
It's a picture of my butt.
And then when you get her, you can tell her whatever you want.
Why do you do this? I programmed it so my butt pops up when my brother Donnie calls.
- It's a clever way of saying my brother's an ass.
- Is it? That's him.
Compose yourselves.
- Forget I showed you this picture.
- I'm trying.
How you doing, you dumb son of a bitch? Hey, you old mick.
Looks like you put on a few pounds.
Oh, you too.
What, are you eating your hair? Oh, Gloria.
What are you still doing here? There's gotta be an easier way to get a green card.
- Uncle Donnie, are you coming to my school concert tonight? - Well - It's an hour, tops.
- Wouldn't miss it.
You know, I think I misplaced my phone.
- Could you call me on yours? - My phone's at the bottom of my bag.
- Why don't you use your home phone? - Come on.
It's simple.
- What are you doing? - I want the phone.
- How about you let go? - Give me the phone, Donnie! You still think you can take me? - Is this all you got, huh? - I'm gonna wash your mouth out with fist.
Ow! Ohh! - I don't understand this relationship, Emma.
- Ow! Ow! Hey, Emma.
Doing the show, it feels like we've become like a little family, huh? You mean like you're my brother? No.
No, I don't.
Oh, no! They're back! Dinosaur arms! This isn't a good time, Luke.
That is hilarious.
Half boy, half T.
One foot in both worlds wanted by neither.
Luke, that's a great way to stretch out a shirt.
Okay, okay.
Break's over, everyone.
Let's take it from the top.
Listen, we're running 20 minutes long so we're gonna go ahead and cut the Bollywood number.
Can I go? I'm late for soccer practice.
You know who else missed soccer practice, Delroy? The cast of Rent.
And now they have a Tony.
We have a Tony.
You are so funny.
Seriously? Hello? Hey, honey, did they drop the van off yet? - Yeah, a little while ago.
- How's it look? Uh, well, believe it or not, I have resisted the temptation to look.
This whole Haley thing has got me a little preoccupied.
We're on our way out to lunch right now.
About that, I've been thinking.
College is still a ways away.
I say we leave Haley alone.
The more we push, the more she'll push back.
- I'm gonna push.
- And I support that.
Only Dad can make our minivan even lamer.
Excuse me.
What are you doing? I'm driving this thing to the reservoir.
Just jump when I say jump.
Honey, slide over.
How is this stupid ad supposed to sell houses anyway? You heard your father.
He's not just selling houses, he's selling us.
What are my friends gonna think? They're gonna think that you're helping your father put food on the table.
- Ay, is the chair broken? - Almost.
That cheap, freeloading brother of mine can't keep his hands off my good Scotch.
So you see, I've placed that Scotch there.
My brother sits in this chair, goes out from under him.
So you make your brother fall and spill his drink? - I don't want to jinx it, but that's the plan.
- Why are you both so mean? Where I come from, brothers respect each other.
That's why Colombia's such a peaceful utopia.
- Hello, ladies.
- Hey, nice shirt.
Do they sell men's clothes where you got that? That's funny because woman are so inferior.
You got no taste.
I bought this for Melanie's baptism.
- Who's Melanie? - Michael's kid.
My granddaughter.
Oh, I forgot to tell Irene I landed safely.
Hello? How could you not know that your own brother had a granddaughter? - I probably knew.
- How can you forget when he's family? I have 29 cousins, and I know them all.
Rosa Marina, Gloria María, Verónica, Mariana, José, Vicente Okay, okay, okay.
What's your point? You do the chair, you do the fighting but you don't know each other It's sad.
Look, I may not talk to my brother the way you talk to your sisters but believe me, we're close in our own way.
When was the last time that you saw him? That's not easy 'cause he lives up I don't know.
See, I wanna say Buffalo.
All I'm saying is that there's no downside to more education.
I knew this car ride was a trap.
See that? That right there shows me just how smart you are.
Really? Again? What is going on? It's the stupid ad.
They're honking on my side too.
Yes, we're the people in the ad.
Yeah, hi.
Another great thing about college complete independence.
I'd have that in an apartment.
No, because to have an apartment, you would need a job.
You want to know what your job is in college? It's a little bit of class and homework and it's a whole lot of new friends and experiences and the boys think you're cute, and you are cute.
And, oh, trust me, that doesn't last forever.
Call the number! All right! You in the mood to lose? First time for everything.
You break.
- So how's work? - Don't worry, moneybags, I'm not here for a loan.
Nice break.
All right, you're solids, which you won't be able to eat in a few years.
Right, right.
Seriously, though, how are things going with you? They're swell.
I'm beating a fat guy at pool right now.
- Donnie, I'm trying to talk to you.
- Why? Why? 'Cause that's what people do.
Talk about things, like their lives.
Ah, Irene opened her big trap.
- Look, I'm fine.
It's not like I'm gonna die.
- What? Yeah, they caught it early.
I took the treatment.
I'm clear for now.
- Come on, it's your shot.
- Caught what early? Donnie, are you talking about cancer? You don't have to whisper.
I know I got it.
You just get your prostate checked.
By a doctor, not some guy you met on the Internet.
- I can't believe you didn't tell me this.
- Because it's not a big deal.
Listen, it's just between us.
Oh, God.
Irene, how the hell do I know where your glasses are? And there's Frisbee golf, and you go snow sledding on cafeteria trays.
Oh, and you all get a dog together.
I don't really know who takes care of the dog during the summer but he's there when you get back.
Geez, maybe you should just go back to college.
Oh, honey, do you know what I would give to go back? It's this moment when your whole life is in front of you.
And it's a magical time.
And you don't want to miss that, because when it's gone, it's gone.
Yeah, yeah.
Come on, Alex.
Bus is leaving.
Dad, your phone's been buzzing like crazy.
Sweet Lorna Doone.
Nineteen missed calls? I wonder who's Phil Dunphy.
You saw the ad? Great.
Do you know what you're looking for? The little one.
I think I know which one you're talking about.
Um, if you're interested, I also have an older model with a lot of character.
What? I think the carpet matches the drapes.
I haven't checked in a while.
Both of them? Wow.
Well, I guess that makes sense if you're planning to flip one.
Listen, um, why don't I call you back? We'll set up an appointment.
It will give me a chance to give them both a good scrubbing.
All right.
Thanks a lot.
How about that, huh? You think all these calls are about the ad? Yeah.
My friend Nicole just sent me a picture of the van.
I guess I'll be seeing you Wednesdays and every other weekend.
Hello? Okay, um, you sound very angry which is completely understandable.
I'm not angry.
I'm just sitting here thinking about college and how life has passed me by.
Oh, thank God.
I'll see you at the show.
Love you.
We gotta go.
And as the music swells we reveal our letters spelling "We love the world.
" Powerful stuff.
And then the majestic Franklin Middle School insignia will drop into position if Reuben ever finishes painting it.
It's not the Sistine Chapel, Reuben.
Surprise! Hi.
Your supportive boyfriend dropped by to bring you a snack.
And J.
Pear, Brie and jambon.
My favorite.
Okay, people, let's take five.
A true five! - Hey, Manny, how's it going? - Hi.
Uh, couldn't be better.
Can we, uh Yes, we can, uh All right.
- What's up? - Okay, you gotta talk to Cam.
He's driving us crazy.
Kevin is biting his nails again.
And Reuben hasn't had a bowel movement in a week.
Don't laugh.
That's how Elvis died.
All right, uh, Manny.
I can't get involved, but All right, if you have to say something just tell Bob Fussy that he's overdoing it and you wanna go back to your old stuff.
Okay, break's over, people! I wanna do the French Revolution number again.
Let's bring out the guillotine.
Carefully this time.
- No.
No, no.
- Excuse me? We don't wanna do the new stuff.
We want to stop rehearsing and go back to the old way, Bob Fussy.
I don't know where this is coming from.
You all feel this way? Yeah.
Well, I had no idea.
I had no idea I was surrounded by a bunch of quitters.
This production was a joke until I introduced these children to the musical theater greats Bernstein, Sondheim.
Years from now, some of these kids will still be talking about the way I Sondheimized them.
Ooh, I don't think that's a good way of saying Okay.
You wanna do it the old way with the same tired songs, the same drab choreography the same tepid applause from Mom and Dad? Is that what you want? Just say the word.
That's what we want.
Well, too bad, people! We're doing it my way! From the top! This is a closed rehearsal.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hi, honey.
What are you doing out here? Oh, just waiting for you 'cause I love you.
Haley, come out this side.
- Why? - 'Cause it's fun.
Try it.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Yeah, the doors slide, the seats slide.
What can't the Sienna do? - That was fun.
- Yeah, right? - Let's go see a show! - Sweetie, we need to close the door.
Yeah, with the key.
I like to see how far I can get from the car and still make it work.
Listen, honey, honey.
I need to ask you something.
Okay, I need you to be really honest with me.
You Yes.
- Are my best years behind me? - What? No.
The trick is to keep looking forward.
Here we go.
Yes, yes, for sure.
- You feel good? - Yeah, I Hello and welcome, everyone and latecomers.
I hope you enjoy the show tonight.
I think you will agree it has a certain flair that has been lacking from this stage in years past.
So please, I invite you to sit back, relax and enjoy this musical trip around the world! Wow, growing up in America sure is great but I wish I knew more about the world.
Me too.
I think I've got an idea.
See you later, friend.
- ## - Where are you going? To see the world! China looks interesting.
I think I'll land here.
Bring him down! Bring him down! - Just go with it.
Hit it.
- ## Oh.
Jay, come on.
Come on.
Jay, you're in the theater.
Try your jacket pocket.
- Sorry, folks.
- Nice.
He taped it shut.
Okay, that's enough.
Ride bikes for kicks They eat with sticks ¡Ay! You stop it.
You too.
- Don't hit him.
He has cancer.
- What? They gave us Jackie Chan Oh, my God.
Is Luke stuck up there? Phil? Come on.
Yeah Oh, no.
Come on! - China sure was fun.
- ## And look, there's merry old England.
Has anyone here ever seen a globe? Full steam ahead! Ahead! Just sing.
Oh, joy to salt-swept eyes Fair England do I see Sorry about what I said to Gloria, okay? It just came out.
Let's go back inside.
- Hit me.
- What? - No, you heard me.
Hit me.
- I'm not gonna hit you, Donnie.
Yeah? And that's the whole damn point.
As soon as you heard I was sick, you treated me different.
Let me tell you, I get enough of that at home.
I'm sorry.
I feel a little bad for you, okay? I know we don't say this much, but, uh I care for you, you know.
Do you think I don't know that crap? I have known you cared about me since we were eight and 10 years old and that mook Joey Calieri stole my bike and you put his head in the ice.
What was that he said again? Uh"I can't hear no more.
" "I can't hear no more!" Oh, Don.
Your staging is all over the place.
The kids are exhausted.
You're making it all about you.
No intermission.
What, are we animals? I And we'll sing about the world I'm gonna be fine.
I got great doctors, the kids call me every day.
Irene even lost 20 pounds due to stress.
Good for you.
You promise me.
You get that liver checked.
Ah, there's nothing wr - Oh.
- Come on, Donna.
Suck it up.
We're missin' my kid's show.
- You son of a bitch.
- Come on.
"I can't hear no more!" Okay.
All right.
That one was my fault, but Joan of Arc's gonna be just fine.
It's not gonna be much fun doing the show without Emma.
- Maybe we should just stop this.
- No.
There is a saying in the theater world that - "It's not worth dying for"? - No.
It's that endings make shows.
And we've got a great ending.
Now get out there and sing your hearts out.
Not you, sweetie.
You just mouth the words.
Uncle Cam, both my legs are tingly.
We'll cut you down in just a second, Luke, okay? The show must go on.
Have fun with it.
Learning about the world sure was fun.
But I'm glad to have my feet back on the ground again.
Oh, Egypt is the land where the pyramids stand Which were built by industrious Jews And windmills go round in Holland town Where they all wear wooden shoes These are the things we learned today And there's one last thing we want to say "We love the word"? - Where's the "L"? - It's Luke.
Lower the insignia.
Lower the We love the What the hell? No.
No, no.
No, no.
No, no.
No, no.
Brava! Phil, where have you been? Oh, just getting some fresh air.
- Honey.
- Got it.
Ready to go? Hey, look up at the moon.
Would you say that's waxing or waning? Who cares? We can spend all night looking at "I can't be satisfied"? My God, Phil.
That makes me look like a prostitute.
- No.
- Yes.
Yes, it does.
More of an escort, really.
You're just selling your time, whereas a prostitute Okay, Phil, I have been driving around in this all day.
Well, since, you're mad already why don't you just step over here And have a look at that.
Oh, God.
My baby.
I am not getting back in that car! How do you think you're gonna get home, honey? It doesn't matter.
I'll go home with anyone.
- That's what it should say on the van.
- Alex.
I can't believe we trusted you to put this on the car - after the debacle of that last picture and all the - Damn it.
- Who is that? - Probably another I think the word you're looking for is "john.
" Get in the minivan.
You mean to tell me that people have actually been calling about this? There are a lot of creeps out there.
That's disgusting.
She's a child.
Well, to be fair, most of them were for you.
It's still sick.
What do you mean, "most"? Well, I don't know.
There were 30 calls.
You got 20 or 25 of them.
What, they asked for me? They asked for the hot blonde.
Men are pigs.
Did they call me anything else? So, thanks to all the perverts in town I realize I still have a few good years ahead of me.
And if we have one person to thank for that, it would be No.
Was it as awful as I think? Take the flowers.
It must have been really hard for you to be supportive while I made a fool out of myself.
Come here.
Luke, do you mind? We're trying to have a moment here.
I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes.
- In his eyes? - Yes.
- Okay, uh - We'll get a janitor.
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