Modern Family s04e13 Episode Script


As great as it is bringing a baby home from the hospital, there's one sound you absolutely dread waking up to Relatives.
I really never saw this wedding pictures, mama.
How handsome and young papa looks.
Ay, it makes me sad.
Ay, I know that you miss him.
Look at my ass.
There are two things in that picture I don't have anymore.
Sonia, can I help you? No, no, she's fine.
It keeps her busy.
We need more corn.
Gloria, where is your garden? I will harvest some.
They don't live that way, honey.
Gloria, give me the keys.
We'll go to the market.
Hey, you're all awake.
I didn't hear you.
Oh, look at my two handsome men.
Mi niño, Fulgencio Umberto.
You know, about the name, we're not entirely sure Sonia, vámonos.
Good-bye, Fulgencio.
Say good-bye to Fulgencio.
Good-bye, Fulgencio.
His name is Joe.
You tell her that we're not naming him after her dead husband or his father before him.
- His name was-- - Please don't say it again.
Jay, I cannot go against my mother's will.
But she likes you.
Maybe if you convince her Fulgencio Umberto-- the initials are F.
Which is exactly the way it feels right now.
Is there some kind of dress code for godparents? You're not wearing a fedora, Phil.
Can you pick up the dry cleaning? That sounds like an offer I can't refuse.
Yeah, we're not doing that.
So I got delayed picking up Lily from dance class.
Now Gloria's got me running around doing a thousand things for christening.
Son of a bitch.
It's not that bad, really.
I'm just--I'm venting.
I couldn't believe it.
Somebody's balloons were blocking my billboard.
My philboard.
Can we wear the same outfits at Crispin's party that we're wearing to the baptism? Oh, you know what? I don't know.
Because you wanna be subdued at church and then fabulous at night.
You know who would make a fortune? The designer who comes up with the little black dress for men.
I'm bored.
I know, sweetie, but daddies are talking about what we're gonna wear tonight, and that's a difficult conversation.
- Cry me a river.
- Lily.
I-I'm not loving this attitude.
You seem a little mean.
Should I call you a wah-mbulance? Oh, my gosh.
She has been so snarky lately.
I know.
I've actually been getting nervous when we're making her late for something.
Because of what she said the other day? - "Today, ladies.
" - Hurtful.
You know, she hears us doing it, so we--we should try and be less negative.
Model some better behavior.
Well, you know, if it's a model she needs, she's come to the right place.
Oh, boy.
I wish Lily was in here so she could hear me not comment on that.
I get it.
You're modeling.
Hey, it's Phil Dunphy again.
I-I got cut off by your machine.
I'm, uh, not sure where I left off there, but I'll attempt to be brief, as I do appreciate when people do the same for me.
Anyhoo, uh, your balloons are co-- Damn it! Is anyone home? Mom! I need her first.
Mom! - She's out.
- Why is she always gone when we need an adult? - I can help.
- What's with the cage? - Science project.
- Mom, where are you? - Out.
It's just the three of us.
- Four.
- I need her.
- Rats.
I know, right? Guys, I'm right here.
What do you need? - No, it's okay.
- We're good.
- Okay, never mind.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Family meeting.
Everybody grab some 'za.
We're gonna talk about this.
Listen, I know you guys like to go to mom because she's Mr.
tough guy problem-solver.
She gets results.
Yeah, she does.
She does.
You're right.
Like the last time we got pizza from our favorite place here.
Remember that? We got shortchanged, she cursed a blue streak and got our money back? How's that pizza, by the way? - Pretty good.
- It's okay.
- Liars! It's garbage.
That's not Scardino's, it's Scandoni's.
You know why? 'Cause your mom's little blow-up got us banned from Scardino's for life.
So maybe your mom's way isn't always the best way.
Now why don't you guys tell me what's going on? I'm having a '60s-themed birthday party next week.
Hippies, bell-bottoms, tie-dye.
Karen Sullivan heard about it, and decided to have the same party tonight.
Not groovy.
I accidentally called my teacher "mommy.
" My "friend" Reuben went around and told everyone.
Oh, hey, Reuben, do you remember that class field trip to the zoo when the zebra rushed the fence and you peed your pants? I didn't tell anyone, not even on the bus ride home when he had to sit next to mom-- Ms.
Bockman! Damn it! Our neighbor's out of town, and she's paying me to move her car on street cleaning days.
Now I would just park it in her driveway, but she already has a camper and a cord of wood there.
Pretty sure she's a lesbian.
Anyway, easy money, right? Oh, my God, I can't see anything! Hard starboard! What does that even mean?! - Move your car! - How much longer do I have to block people? - Come on! - I'm late for the airport.
Dylan, you are being no help right now! Sorry, but I'm already in trouble with dispatch for drinking all those little waters.
- Drive! Do it now! - Aah! How do I tell her I snapped a branch on her beloved lemon tree? I mean, she boils the leaves to add a scent to her own work boot oil.
Did I mention she plays in two softball leagues? Now what are you guys gonna do? You gonna have your mom go around and yell at all these people and burn a bunch of bridges? Or are you gonna talk to your Reubens, your Karens, your lemon lady, tell 'em how you feel, appeal to their human side? The choice is pretty simple, huh? So she's out all day? - I'll try her cell.
- It's off.
I texted her while dad was talking.
Pilar, I brought you a coffee.
- Oh.
- I put a little something extra in it.
Jay, you devil.
Hey, by the way, look It's beautiful, no? It's the dressing gown for Fulgencio's christening.
All the men in our family wear this.
What's one more son in a dress? Oh, tradition.
Oh, it's so important.
I have a gift in here for little Fulgencio that has been in my family for three generations.
You know, about this naming thing-- In America, it's not real common to hear the name Fuljencio.
It's "Ful-hen-cio.
" - Hen? - Hen.
I don't need to practice it 'cause I can't name my son that.
I'm just being honest with you.
No, no, no, no, that's good.
That's good.
I should be more honest with you sometimes.
Well, we've known each other a few years.
- I don't like you, Jay.
- Huh? Nah.
We can act like everything is fine for the family, but, you know, I have never liked you.
The way you take whatever looks good to you-- you know, like my daughter or the last piece of meat.
You're always too busy to pick me up at the airport.
You send a total stranger with a cardboard sign.
- Hi, grandma.
- Hey.
Hey, buddy.
Get over here.
I sure do love the cross you got me.
But do I have to wear it today? It's kinda hard to close my shirt over it.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You do whatever you want, padrecito.
I know that's the way in this house.
But if you wear it, ooh, you'll make me proud.
It's been in my family for five generations.
- Okay.
- I'll walk you out, buddy.
Is anything in her family new? Just you.
Excuse me.
All right.
Here we've got the deli platter, and there's more in my car.
But those are not from Rumpernook's.
No, because the cheese at Rump I don't go there anymore.
I'm going to do the laundry.
Okay, Sonia.
I love you so much.
Pretty cozy with the new housekeeper, huh? She's my sister.
Pretty weird with your sister.
She likes to keep busy.
But I feel bad for her.
I have so much, and she has nothing.
Well, people make their own choices.
It's not like you're responsible.
No, no.
Maybe just a little bit.
I was older and I had opportunities to travel, and I took them.
Well, it didn't prevent her from going anywhere.
No, no.
Maybe just one time.
There was a letter that arrived from America about a job opportunity.
And it was only for one person, and I went.
But it's not like the envelope was addressed to her, and you opened it and You're evil.
I had to get out of there, Claire.
You just strapped on those high heels and walked right over her back, didn't you? Maybe a little bit.
Where is the river? Hey, boys! Crispin.
Hey, shouldn't you be preparing for your annual party of the century? It's done and it's perfect.
In my mind, I'm already into next year's.
Listen, I'm here with Brett.
I don't know if you've seen his new look, but you are going to have a heart attack and die.
No one's dying.
- It's just an expression.
- Yeah.
Hey, handsome.
Yep, I did it.
Pulled the trigger and got a perm.
You sure did.
Did it myself, right in the kitchen.
You don't need to spend a million to look like a million.
Uh, you know, my coffee's probably ready, so Bye.
Okay, that's like a chia pet, right? Maybe a drag production of "Annie"? Oh, actually, Lily, I-I think Uncle Crispin's forgetting that Brett has feelings, and we need to try and not hurt them.
Yes, and maybe we should remind Uncle Crispin that when you say nice things to people, they say nice things back.
Well consider me reminded.
Gotta run.
Yeah, we'll see you tonight.
Yeah, can't wait.
Can't wait.
He's funny.
Yes, he is, but he can also be biting.
- He bites people? - Well, with his words, not with his teeth like Xander from art class.
We need to confirm he got his shot.
Oh, my God.
Okay, Crispin-- "Too many RSVPs.
Have to make cuts to party.
Maybe next time.
" Sad face.
Because we refuse to abuse, we get banned from the party of the century? Does somebody need a wah-mbulance? No.
I do not need a wah-mbulance.
Hey, kids.
How was your day? I knew the answer to that question.
I'd had kind of a busy day going around solving everyone's problems.
I started by going to see my buddy Stavros the florist.
Stavros, I assume? Yes? I just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, I brought you some sandwiches, by the way.
How good is lamb, huh? - Nikos! - Oh! Gotcha.
Get back in there.
I'm so sorry.
Is there anything I can do for you? Oh, no.
I Well That's when I realized my kids didn't understand the concept of killing with kindness because they'd never seen it.
So I decided I'd prove it to them by going on a huggacidal rampage.
Is that Reuben rockin' the Potter specs? Quiddiculous! Hey, listen, buddy, I heard about Luke calling his teacher "mommy.
" Epic fail, by the way.
But, you know, since you're one of the cool kids, maybe you could ge the other ones to ease off a little? Cool.
Air bump.
Hey, Lee, it's Phil Dunphy from down the street.
We haven't met.
I was actually calling to leave a message for your wife, just to say thanks for hiring my daughter Haley.
Listen, we'd love to have you and the missus over for a glass of wine, or--or, uh, maybe you and I could go out for a boys' night.
But anyway, if you could-- Damn it! Hey, Karen Sullivan.
Alex's dad.
Well, look whose teeth got so nice and straight.
Who wants to go first? - Are you kidding? - Are you crazy? - What are you trying to-- - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! One at a time! You called Ms.
Cooper a man! No, I didn't.
- I got her husband Lee on the machine.
- There is no husband! She's Lee! Weirdly deep-voiced, alcoholic, gay Lee Cooper who you invited out for a glass of wine! Thanks to your little charm offensive with Karen, one thing did change about her party-- I'm not invited! "Quiddiculous"? "Epic fail"? Now the whole school is just laughing at both of us.
Stavros, hey! Why not?! What? Change of plans.
This isn't over.
I want you to wear something beautiful tonight.
So please, choose.
What is this room? This is the closet.
So all the people of the town, they leave their nice clothes with you? No.
These are all my clothes.
But I do miss the simple things at home.
So tell me, how-- how are things in the village? We had a flood.
Ay, but it-- it wasn't a bad one, right? We had a boat.
Ay, that's great.
We had a boat.
Are you dating anyone? You remember Antonio Marquez? Yes, of course.
The most handsome boy in the school with those beautiful eyes.
His father with the wooden leg He lost it in the flood.
So is it serious? Don't look at that.
I won't.
Trust me.
It's pathetic.
Crispin getting all of our friends to text us the details of his great party.
Such torture, huh? Oh, catering by Amelia's.
Ow! Topless valet Parkers.
- Sting.
- Exactly.
No, Sting is at the party.
Mitchell, I wanna be there.
- Cam.
- No, come on.
Who are we kidding? You do, too.
Today, ladies! Okay, right there.
That is why we are making the sacrifice-- for our daughter.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
I mean, I'm the last one who should be complaining when, let's face it, Lily's snarkiness is my doing.
Well, what's done is done.
Let's just get ready for church.
Yeah, I mean, it's just hard to not feel guilty, you know, when it's mostly my fault.
I get it.
Just don't beat yourself up.
Pocket square? No pocket square? Really? You're taking zero of the responsibility, or Oh.
We're you trying to get me to take the blame? Maybe just a little.
Oh, and deny you the chance to play the martyr? Look, Cam, if you're looking for me to be the bad guy, you're snarking up the wrong tree, okay? You are the one who can't let a single situation pass without making a comment.
Oh, well, maybe I'll just start today.
I think it'll make you feel better.
I think I already do.
Right to my face, "I don't like you.
" Nobody doesn't like me.
I'm Jay.
I'm-- I'm salt of the earth.
Why are you inhaling my baby? Oh, they only smell perfect like this for a little while.
That's the stuff.
From day one, I've treated this woman like a queen.
I've flown her back and forth, I've I've tasted her native food.
You know what chin tastes like? - Mm.
- 'Cause I do.
And now to find out What? I'm listening.
You're rubbing yourself with the baby.
I have seen you French kiss your dog.
She was taking a treat out of my mouth.
That's a trick.
I am sure you know what I find funny about this situation.
What? You have an in-law who, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you can't win over.
What about it? Wait.
That doesn't sound familiar? You're not saying Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I am.
Son of a bitch, I'm Phil.
Hey, Pilar, it's awfully cold.
Why don't you take my jacket? Sure, yeah.
Make me the rude one.
Look, I'm sorry that I pointed out that we're both to blame here, all right? But let's not turn this lovely event into a competition.
Here you go, sweetie.
Oh, you know what? You're right.
I shouldn't be picking at you.
But don't forget to light your candle.
I think everyone in the immediate family's doing it.
Oh, yeah? Okay.
Good--good idea.
What the hell is that? Some kind of gay protest thing? It's a candle, dad.
What are you talking about? You' purple panty tail.
Oh, no.
Oh, come on.
We're in church, Mitchell, not some disco.
You did that on purpose! Oh, this stained glass is beautiful.
Now listen, before we dunk the kid, you mind if I make a few casual remarks? I think you already did.
Claire asked me a good question-- how did Phil win me over? Well, he hasn't yet.
But when he stops trying so hard, and he acts like a real person, he comes close.
That's what I needed to do with Pilar.
I'd like to tell you the story of how I came to meet my incredible wife, because up until the birth of this child, it's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Mm, that feels good huh? So it's morning.
My car's getting waxed.
I hop in the diner.
I hear this adorable accent.
I turn.
I see this pretty girl talking to her friend.
I send over a piece of pie.
- All class.
- Mm-hmm.
Couple of minutes later, who comes over to thank me but Gloria, the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
She sits down, we start talking, and we haven't stopped talking since.
But here's the crazy part-- I didn't send the pie to Gloria.
Her back was to me.
I sent it to her friend, who went to the bathroom and missed it.
And that person is here today-- Gloria's sister Sonia.
Isn't it funny how a simple twist of fate can change the whole-- You stole my life! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on.
I got Sonia! No more.
I want my own life, my own bed, my own e-mail account! Yeah, leave your poor old mother alone.
Don't worry mamá, you can come and live with us.
Pump the brakes here.
What? Do you have a problem with my mother? No.
Your mother has a problem with me.
You think she's helpless.
Ask her what's in that box.
It's not the family gun? Jay, if anything should happen to Gloria, I am there for you.
What, Sonia? What's going to happen to me? You might go for a walk in your closet one day and never come back! See what you're missing? Huh? Where is Luke? I think he's the one standing next to Matthew.
He was feeling a little under the weather.
I let him stay home.
Or is he just too embarrassed to leave the house? Why would he be embarrassed? Because dad tried to fix all our problems, and instead, ruined all our lives.
You girls are so dramatic.
Do I need to call you a wah-mbulance? Wah-wah, wah-wah.
- Did you hear that? - Yes! Claire's been driving Lily to dance class all week.
That's where she gets it from! - We're not bad parents.
Claire is.
- Huh.
I said I wasn't gonna cry, but, oh, boy, here it comes.
Hmm! - No, no, Cam.
Not with those.
- Huh? Okay! That's it! We're in a House of God, damn it.
Everyone just abandon me.
Pilar, all due respect, no one's buying the martyr act.
Not even this guy.
You ask me, you've been keeping this one under your thumb 'cause you're afraid of going on with your life.
But you're an attractive woman with a lot to offer.
This could be an opportunity.
Hell, I don't even think I knew what happiness was till I was 60.
And the hits just keep coming.
Sonia, we're gonna help you get your own place, have some independence.
And if you ever get lonely, you come visit us as much as you want With-- within reason.
- And we'll send this one down to visit you.
- What? But he's not gonna become a priest 'cause he likes girls.
Can't get 'em, but he likes 'em.
So everybody think about it.
But not for too long.
There's an A.
meeting here at 6:00.
Sonia, please, let us do this for you.
I really want you to be happy.
Can you forgive me? It will take some time.
As much as you need.
And some dresses.
As many as you want.
And some shoes.
You're angry now.
Whatever happened with the kids, I don't want you to feel bad about it.
I don't.
I now invite the godfather and the godmother to join us.
Don't worry.
I will take care of everything tomorrow.
That may not be necessary, my wife.
Phil and Claire, as godparents, are you ready to help the parents of this child in their duties? - We are.
- We are.
Do you renounce Satan? - I do renounce him.
- I do renounce him.
And all his works? I do renounce them.
Hey! Hey! And all his empty promises? Oh, my God! I do renounce them.
Godfather, is it your wish that this child be baptized? It is.
In the name of the father and the son and the holy spirit, what name have you given the child? Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett.
May God be with you all.
Thank you, Jay.
We're never gonna call him that.
So I heard that somebody released a bunch of rats into Karen Sullivan's party the other night.
And Lee Cooper's camper just rolled into her lemon tree.
Luke isn't having any problem at school anymore, because Reuben admitted he made the whole thing up.
Isn't that crazy, how all our of kids' problems just disappeared? Don't ever ask me about my business, Claire.
What are you talking about? Don't ask me about my business.
I wasn't.