Modern Family s04e22 Episode Script

My Hero

Oh, great.
We've got the Prius that can make dinner reservations, buy movie tickets, tell us the weather I just want one that opens.
Maybe we should have gotten that one.
Mitchell? Oh.
Oh my God, Teddy! Cam, this is Teddy.
Teddy.
Teddy-Teddy? Doc--doctor Teddy! Teddy was Mitch's one significant boyfriend before me.
Uh, Mitch had recently just come out.
And as he put it, it was hard to love someone else if he couldn't love himself.
I actually said those words? Ugh.
It's kind of hard to love myself right now.
You were the one who said, "I need some time.
I'll call you when I heal more.
" Ten years later Ohh! I never said that.
Time to heal more! That's so sweet and sensitive.
Why did you kill that part of yourself? You know, I'm hosting a fund-raiser for the hospital this weekend at that roller rink on South main.
Any chance you guys can come? - Yeah.
Absolutely, we'll be there.
- Possibly.
Okay.
Great.
So 4:00 Saturday.
I'm so glad I bumped into y'all.
Us, too.
Say bye, Lily! Bye, Lily.
I taught her that, so - Bye, Lily.
Bye.
- Bye, Teddy.
Oh, my gosh, he's great! You're okay making plans with my ex-boyfriend? Um, yes.
It's been a hundred years.
Plus, this is one of the many benefits of being gay.
We can be friends with our exes without all the petty jealousy straight people go through.
Well, I guess I am friends with Pepper, so I went on one date with Pepper.
One.
When are you gonna stop bringing it up? When you stop reacting like that.
Daddy loves Pepper.
I taught her that.
That's private.
Oh, sorry.
But why do you have all of our names down on a list? It's for my school essay-- Pick a hero in your family and write about why you've chosen him or her.
You're still in the running, but I'm not loving that you're drinking wine while watching my brother.
Well, it was from an open bottle of white in your fridge, so It's about judgment, Claire.
It's not the '70s.
We know better.
There was lipstick on the bottle.
There are my babies! - How was dinner? - Perfect.
I had a steak, I had some ice cream, Gloria found a hair in her fish, and it didn't cost us a penny! It might have been my own hair, but Jay was so happy that I didn't say anything.
What? - Mm-hmm.
- Honey, you got a second before you go? I wanna talk to you about something.
All right.
Why is she smiling at me like that? It's good news.
Okay.
You remember Bob from my office? Yeah, Uncle Bob.
The one who did the trick where he pulled a quarter out of my ear.
He learned another trick.
He pulled 50 grand out of our pension fund.
- Oh.
- I fired him.
But the worst part is, I was grooming him to take over the company.
But there's an upside.
He wants you to work for him.
I know it's just a job right now, but you know that he has this thing going on in his chest, so you never know where you're going to end up, Claire.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Gloria.
Gloria, it's a cold.
- Anyway, look.
- Mm-hmm.
I know you've been wanting to get back out there, and I always kind of thought that if you did go back to work, you'd come back to work with me.
I-I worked there for half a summer 20 years ago.
And it-- it was terrific, honey.
Listen, obviously, we'll start you out slow.
We'll give you time to re-learn about the place, and then maybe move you up.
You know, you do know a guy.
He means him! It's a wonderful opportunity, dad.
Thanks.
- Could I--could I think about it, talk to Phil? - Oh, sure.
- I'll call you tomorrow.
- All right.
All right.
All right.
- Where's my boy? Give me my boy.
- Here's your man.
Here's your little man.
Oh, love him.
What did I say about these flowered blankets for him? - Ay.
- Huh? He's starting to take after Hugh hef-nerd over there.
Very amusing, Jay.
Let me just get your name down here.
Another brochure from a community college.
You know, I bet mom is having them send these.
Really? You don't think they've targeted you as a must-have recruit? At least this one doesn't have that fakey lunchtime shot of the black guy, Asian girl, and an Indian-- Oh, wait! There it is.
Wow, that wheelchair kid is really cracking everybody up.
Girls, your mom's on her way home with dinner! I never got this.
If he sees it, we'll have to talk about it.
What? What what? If grandpa calls, I'm not home.
What happened? He wants me to work for him.
Like, groom me to take over or something.
I don't know how I'm gonna say no.
Why would you say no? I thought you were looking for something.
We could use the money, too, especially if Haley decides to go back to school.
Oh, is she still throwing out those college brochures? Just tossed one now.
Who does she think empties the trash? You know what really sucks? That job could be great.
But my dad is a terrible boss.
He is so mean.
"Princess, coffeepot's not gonna wash itself.
" That's where you got that? I said it to you one time.
Well, you just gotta tell him straight up, man to man.
Woman to man.
You're very shapely.
I know.
I will.
It's just I hate it so much.
The-- the four big times that I disappointed him, it devastated me.
I mean, the first time, I cut off all my hair.
I went to college out of state.
I crashed his vintage jag into a wall.
That's only three.
Kids, dinner! Oh, loving this already.
If no one gets a concussion, we're totally coming back.
So listen, if at any point you're not okay with seeing me and Teddy together, just please let me know, and we can go.
Oh, well, thank you.
And if at any point you're not okay with me being so okay with it, you let me know.
Teddy! Teddy! Hey! - Ah, hey! - Hey! Aw, look at you! This shirt is fantastic.
You're adorable.
You're adorable! Oh, I think somebody has a crush! Thank you so much for having us.
I don't know which one of my girls is more excited.
Okay.
Come on, let's get you some skates.
I want Teddy to come.
Oh, honey, I-I'm sure Teddy has other things-- No, no! You guys go! Catch up.
I'll lace up.
Okay.
Okay, ready? - Have fun, okay! - Hey, Uncle Cam! Oh, my gosh! Hey! What's--what's going on? What--what are you guys doing here? - Teddy invited us.
- You guys know Teddy.
- Yeah, totally.
- Yeah, Teddy's great.
Heads up, amateurs! It's time to rock 'n' roll! Do you get it? Cam, what are you doing here? - Um - Oh, hell, it's dad.
Whose dad? Not your dad.
I have been avoiding his calls all day.
Quick, Phil, slingshot me.
All right.
Oh.
Limbo skate, kids.
How low can you go? I'm at a roller rink with my family on a Saturday night.
I win.
I have got to get a photo of Lily.
Teddy's making her giggle so hard.
Oh, well, everybody loves Teddy, so But you'll let me know if you're not okay.
Mitchell, do you know your entire family's here, invited by your ex-boyfriend? Phil and Claire, Jay and Gloria, your cousin Pete.
Hey! C--it's a-- it's a fund-raiser, all right? I'm sure he just invited everyone on his contact list.
Oh, well, that makes sense.
Yes, of course it does.
And I'm flattered.
Why are you flattered? - You know.
- I don't.
You do! I really don't! Gloria, throw on those skates and take a whirl with me.
Oh, I totally would, but I'm taking care of Lily and she doesn't want to.
- Oh.
- Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
You told me before.
You don't remember? Why would I lie? Gloria.
You don't know how to roller-skate.
Of course I do.
I know how to do everything.
I can't lie to that face.
It's a good thing that we're not married.
Well, I don't I can't skate.
I am an elegant woman.
That means that I never do the few things that I don't really do that good.
But I'm a natural teacher.
But I'm going to look stupid.
Gloria Trust me.
As long as you're standing next to me, you will not look stupid.
Oh, thank God! There is no place to sit.
Always room at my table for my darling nieces.
Uhh you beat us to it.
We were gonna ask this kid if we could share.
Well, he was just leaving.
Yeah, you can totally sit with us.
You know, I debated even putting you two on here.
Whoa, fancy.
Yeah, I know.
Well, I did used to work here.
W-w-wait.
You're the Claire from the bathroom? Oh, is it still here? Y-yeah oh Oh! Hey! Look at you two catching up - after all these years.
- Well, it hasn't been that long.
It's been like a month since you came by - when Alex had the flu, right? - Oh, no kidding! Well, I do get a home-cooked meal out of it.
Plus I owe these guys.
- Phil helped me buy my last two houses.
- Oh Oh.
So good.
Such great stories.
- Yeah.
- Hey, you! You owe me a phone call! I know! I'm gonna call you! Hey! Teddy's here, huh? Hey, you deadbeat, you owe me Well, maybe I'll slip it to you during your next prostate exam.
I'll bet you're counting the days, you perv.
Oh.
So funny.
You and Jay really seem to have a thing, don't ya? And Gloria-- what's the nature of your relationship with her? Well, actually, we just met tonight.
You know, I'm not so sure she likes me.
Really? Uh, well, I mean, she just takes a little time to warm up.
Oh, thanks.
And thank you, again, for coming tonight.
With the money we raised, we'll be able to inoculate over 4,000 needy kids against some truly awful diseases.
And how well do you know Luke? I love that movie, too! Yeah, that cool fight scene on that skyscraper in Shanghai-- it really made me want to go to Japan.
Why? Shanghai's in China.
I'm just saying, you don't want to fly to Japan, get in a cab and say, "take me to downtown Shanghai.
" It's a pretty expensive ride.
Uh, um, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Come with me.
Be right back, guys.
Uh, what do you think you're doing out there? - I'm flirting.
- That's what I was afraid of.
Look, I'm not gonna pretend I'm stupid - just so a boy will like me.
- Of course not.
But you don't have to put the poor guy to shame.
Flirting with boys is about increasing your value, not decreasing theirs.
That's a complicated thought.
What magazine taught you that? You're doing it again! The mean thing.
Can you even hear it or what?! - I heard it.
- Good.
So now that he knows that you're smart, let's work on being nice.
- Wanna ditch the hoodie? - No.
That's all good.
It's a process.
Man, tough finding a hero in this family, huh? You know, I've got problems of my own.
I can't always be the lovable sidekick on "the Manny show.
" Did you even notice I'm binge-eating? Whoa.
You're really going through something.
Wanna talk about it? Not even a little bit.
And don't go hounding me like you always do.
Well, thanks for restoring my faith in this family.
Too bad I'm not related to Teddy.
- He seems terrific.
- Doesn't he, though? Knees bent.
Arms loose.
Chin up.
Butt out.
Ay, no, Phil.
This is too much.
No, just remember, "kbalcubo.
" Huh? K-b-a-l-c-u-b-o.
- "Koala bears always lose cherries under big overpasses.
" - Ay.
- Ay, no! How am I gonna remember all that?! - Uh, uh oh! - Oh!- Aah! - I gotcha.
- Ay, Teddy - Teddy, you're amazing! Thank you for saving me! Let me get in there, boys.
Excuse me.
Boom! Okay! Okay, clearly it's time to talk.
All right, Cam, Cam, you're obviously upset.
But trust me-- there are no lingering feelings between me and Teddy.
I don't care about you and Teddy.
I don't like what's lingering between him and your family.
- What? - Mitchell, look around.
Your family is cheating on me with your ex-boyfriend.
Cheating-- Okay, yes.
Th-there is a bit more contact between them than I realized, but-- Oh, o-oh, yeah.
Now this is where we make Cam the over-sensitive drama queen.
God forbid we take any action to make things right for me.
Well, okay, okay.
Okay, what do you want me to do? Would you like me to ask them to break up with Teddy? Is that what you're asking? Of course not.
I would never ask that.
- That would be insane.
- Well, good.
It would be as insane for me to ask that as it would be sane for you to offer it.
So that is what you're asking.
No, that's what I'm not asking.
But if you decide to do it, I want it to come from you, not me, because I'm clearly not asking for it.
- Okay, this is nuts.
- Is it? I worked my fingers to the bone to get these jumpy protestants to love me, and now I find out they're holding a torch for the man who came before me? It's not nuts.
It's actually quite painful.
Excuse me, sir? You just won a prize for setting a rink record on the boxing machine.
If you wouldn't mind taking a picture for our wall of fame? Oh, yeah, sure.
Absolutely.
Just one second.
- Okay.
- That's exciting.
Mitchell, I know you'll do what's right.
Unless you like seeing me humiliated.
Thank you.
Everybody was staring, Phil.
Well, what if we practice outside where no one can see us? Ay, and now I have the nervous burps! - Oh - Claire.
Dad? Wh-what are you doing out here? Apparently this is the only way we'll get to talk tonight.
- About this job-- - Mm-hmm? - Hey, guys.
- This sounds really important, dad.
Hang on.
- Go ahead, Mitchell.
- Okay, so listen.
This is coming from me.
- Mm-hmm.
- No one else.
Um but I need you to do something, - and I don't want you to give me any flack.
- Oh, jeez.
That's flack.
I-I think it's a little weird - how you all still hang out with Teddy so much - Told you.
And I think it'd be appropriate if maybe you all, you know, stopped seeing him.
This is coming from Cam, isn't it? No, it's not.
Wait a second.
Cam doesn't think we can love him and Teddy at the same time? And you just sold Cam out like that? Wow.
Wait.
What is that? I'll tell you what it is.
It's sad.
Hey, skaters! Not an emergency, but we do have a small fire in the snack bar.
We'd like everyone to calmly file outside.
Thanks.
Okay, everyone, the exit's over here.
Come this way, please.
Hey, this way, to the exit.
All right, everybody over here.
Come on.
You guys, just do this for me.
But he's all the way over there.
There's no hurry.
We're in a wooden box built in 1970.
- Let's go! - Oh--all right, let's go.
Okay, thank you.
That's very nice.
- Okay.
- Sweet of you.
Hey, skaters, good news! Fire's out! Sorry for the scare.
All right--all right, before you get upset, this was just about convenience.
- Was it? - Mm-hmm.
Or was it a perfect metaphor? Congratulations, Mitchell.
This is the saddest I've ever been in roller skates.
Okay, be careful.
I don't want to get hurt, okay? No one's gonna get hurt.
Hold on! Aah! That hurts! - Okay, if we could just-- - Aah! - Son of a Mitchell! - Aah! Do not worry one bit.
You are gettin' it! Let's get away from the cars, huh? Disgusting.
Claire Pritchett? - Jeff? - No way! I haven't seen you since you worked here.
- Oh, wow! You you still do.
- Yeah, do what you love, - you never work a day in your life, right? - Right.
This is perfect.
Some civilian just yakked in the rink.
Can you take over for a minute? Um no.
Ah, it's kind of where I make most of my money.
- You know, I hate to shut it down.
- Mm.
Ah, I got a girl pregnant.
It's a whole thing.
It's-- all right.
I'll do it for a minute, sure.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Okay.
- Oh, hey - Yeah? I still think about that kiss.
Oh, God.
Bleh! Gross.
Mom, I threw up.
Oh, honey, that was you? You're gonna be okay.
Let me get you something for your tummy.
I'm just so stressed out.
You know that hero essay I have to write? Mm-hmm? Well, dad kind of assumed I wrote it about him - Mm-hmm.
- But I didn't.
And now he wants to read it, and I don't know what to do.
Don't worry about your father.
I am sure he'll understand.
Claire, I need some ice for Cameron.
And we have to talk about the job.
Unless you've taken back this one.
Dad, I'm with a customer right now.
I'll be with you in just a moment.
Honey, I'll talk to your dad.
You don't think he'll be upset I wrote it about you? You wrote it about me? Mom, you know me and homework.
I didn't give it much thought.
What's a hero? Someone who's not afraid of anything, and who's strong-- that's you.
But dad's so great, too.
- Here it comes.
- Okay.
All right.
You just sit down.
Sit down, sweet pea.
Have your drink.
You're gonna be fine.
Okay.
Here goes.
Um So, dad, the last time we worked together, - it was tense between us.
- What? - No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was.
You were-- you're really hard on me, and you talk down to me.
- You don't know what you're talking about.
- Right.
And when I confronted you like I am doing now, you were insensitive, like you are being now.
And while I really appreciate the opportunity and I do love you very much, I don't think that working together is a very good idea.
All right, fine.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm very disappointed.
- We won! - Man, that sucks! Yeah, totally un-masculating.
Well, at least you guys look cool when you play.
Let's play again.
This never happened.
Actually, we need to go hang out with our family for a while.
Really? Now? Yeah, but we'll be around.
We'll see you guys.
What happened? Did I mess up? No, you did great.
So he didn't like me? - No, he totally liked you.
- Then why'd we walk away? 'Cause it was never about him.
This was about getting you some confidence.
Guys will pick up on that.
Better guys.
Guys who can lose to a girl without feeling e-masculated.
Okay, try not to throw this in my face one day, but sometimes you're actually really smart.
Like, smart smart.
I hope you know that.
Wow.
Thanks.
But I'm totally throwing that in your face one day.
Are you kidding? Oh, thank you so much.
Everything go okay? No.
Actually, I was trapped back here, my dad and I got in a whole thing.
Now he's mad at me.
- Whoa, where'd you find that? - I know where you keep the beer, Jeff.
I hate this feeling! I swear, it started when I was 12 years old and I got a "C" in social studies.
The way my dad looked at me, you would have thought I'd worn a tube top in church.
He knew it crushed me.
He didn't care.
That's why I can't work for him.
He was hard on me then.
He's gonna be hard on me now.
I'm telling you, people don't change.
I've changed.
I don't wanna put up with this stuff.
I am a completely different person than I was 20 years ago.
All right, kids, that's gonna be $18.
50.
Out of $20? There's your $1.
50 I thought so.
Well, I mean, do you feel good that you were at least honest with him? No.
And super no.
Because I'm the one who's left with this awful feeling every time I disappoint him.
It's not fair.
'Cause I'm not the bad guy here.
He needs to know that.
How's that? - That better? - Yeah, much better.
Tha-- Thank you, Teddy.
You're fixed.
Skate with me.
I think it's a little soon, sweetie.
- No.
Teddy.
- But--oh, sure thing, kiddo.
Hey, lots of ice, no cartwheels for three days.
- Yeah.
- Ready? Come on.
Good guy.
Who--Teddy? Yeah.
Yeah, he's the best.
Nuts he can't find anybody, huh? Gotta be something a little off there.
He definitely did not bring out the best in Mitchell, I can tell you that right now.
Oh, really? Well, you know, not that it matters But in what way exactly? Honestly? When they were together, - Mitchell could be a bit of a pill.
- Oh.
Now, I like Teddy, but when they broke up, I was actually kinda glad.
Of course, Mitchell thought that I was uncomfortable because of the gay thing, and maybe I was, but I really just wanted him to be happy.
Like he is now.
And when you two started up, everyone thought, "well, there it is.
" Okay, kids.
Couples skate.
Grab someone you love and get out there.
Jay, you can be so - I'm not skating with you, Cam.
- Yeah.
What about me, dad? You wanna skate with me? What qualifies someone as a hero? Obviously, a hero has to be someone we respect.
A person we look up to.
A person who is generous of spirit.
Who's willing to grow and learn.
So dad, if that offer still stands Really? What changed? A couple of things.
Maybe it's the person you love most in the world or the guy who makes the most out of life, no matter what anyone thinks.
No! It's cool! No, everybody's laughing at me! - Keep rolling! This is your chance! - Ay, no! No! Yeah! - Phil! - I know! - Funny, though - Go, dad! The hero in my family is my family, because of who we are together.
"C" minus.
"This was not the assignment.
" I'll tell you who is not my hero.
Mrs.
Rita McNabb.
Yeah! Oh, thank you! Thank you! What is everybody looking at? Oh, I guess I can tell the story one more time.
Sure, yeah.
Well, I was mad about something.
I don't even remember what.
I turned.
Now at this point, I'm more animal than I am man.
Strike the punching machine, and apparently I broke some sort of world record.
I guess the thing that I'll never forget is the sound that it made.
It was, like, bells and whistles and sirens.
It's impossible to describe.
Oh, no! That was literally the first punch I've ever thrown! You are never to see him again.
Yes, I know.