Modern Family s05e16 Episode Script

Spring-A-Ding-Fling

Okay, big day for this household.
It certainly is.
So exciting.
Nothing like starting a new job.
Or finally coming into your own at a job you already have.
The promise of something new.
The rewards finally being -- Opposite things being equally good.
- Cheers.
- Yes.
I have accepted a job at the C.
F.
J.
, The -- the Center For Justice.
Not, it turns out, a secret headquarters for superheroes.
No, it -- it kind of is.
It's a legal-aid society founded by a law-school friend of mine.
I will be an advocate for the people, a voice for the voiceless.
And just as important Oh, thank you.
Tonight, I am chaperoning the Spring-A-Ding-Fling, a fundraiser, a dance, which, under my stewardship, has shattered school records.
And I added the "A-ding.
" It used to just be called the Spring Fling.
I should have said my thing first.
Hey, guys.
For my opening number tonight-- Be honest.
Does it look like I have anything on under this? Tonight is the SCARB.
Southern California Annual Realtors' Banquet.
It is the banquet for southern California realtors.
Literally, it's the only one.
And this guy is the only two-time host -- Three-time.
Three-time host in the history of the event.
Unfortunately, I have to miss it this year.
It's for the best.
She's invisible at these things.
It's tough being married to the rock star.
Luckily, I lined up a substitute date.
Dad.
You're still up.
Yeah, just working on some jokes for the banquet.
Hey, how'd you like to come with me? I would love to! Not surprised she said yes.
That girl's got real estate in her blood.
She used to come with me to open houses when she was little.
We may have even talked about a father/daughter partnership.
Yeah, she's been drifting a little lately, but I think a taste of regional real-estate's most glamorous night might just re-ignite that flame.
I can't believe I have to go to this thing.
But what choice did I have? I would love to! But you're not gonna have those cookies without milk, right? Right.
Come on, Phil.
Break area.
Copier.
My stinky dog.
Oh, look at you.
You just threw up recently.
Okay.
Oh, my gosh.
That's you and Michelle Obama.
That's my aunt.
I am so sorry.
I don't know why I thought that -- Calm down, white guilt.
It's Michelle Obama.
Oh, good, yeah.
Yeah, you've accomplished a lot in 15 years.
Professionally, yeah.
I haven't had a date in six months.
Some sundays, I drive out to visit my frozen eggs.
But, on the plus side, I have gotten really close with my mom.
Oh, look at that.
I see the resemblance.
That's Maya Angelou.
Damn it.
It's signed, Mitch.
Yeah.
I see that.
This is gonna be fun! I know! - I'm just really looking for-- - You! What was that outfit last night? That was a business dinner! What is wrong with you? Wendy, I tried.
Well, try harder.
Ooh, here's your office.
Okay.
Oh, this is nice.
Yeah.
Dennis liked it until he didn't.
I'll check on you later.
Okay.
All right.
Let's see here.
New guy? Uh, yes.
Hi.
I'm Mitchell Pritchett.
Dan.
Hope you don't have any plans for Sunday night.
Dan! What are you still doing here? Go! Sorry.
Right.
That way! Oh, no.
I do love it in leather.
Well, learn to love it in silk.
It's too hot outside to be wearing leather.
I'm talking about this car.
Oh, by the way, I do the negotiating at the dealership today.
Why? Honey, I'm a businessman.
When it comes to people, I know how to get what I want out of them.
This watch -- The man sold it to me for half of what he was asking.
These -- a third.
These -- for free.
So, who's better at working people, Mr.
Businessman? Fine.
We have different approaches, but we're both pretty good.
Hello, Mitch.
Hey, buddy.
You look like you want to get up and walk.
Late bloomer -- fine.
Who cares if the other kids call you "Slo-Joe"? And they do, you know.
Bye-bye.
We're gonna have to reschedule the car shopping.
Mitch has to work.
Cam has to dance.
We have to sit Lily.
- What? - Nothing.
Just -- I could have got us out of that.
Stop! - Eat it! - Get off me! Eat the grass, cow! - Hi, Rhonda.
- Hi, Mrs.
Dunphy.
Hey, mom.
Honey, it's getting very close to time for the dance.
Shouldn't you go in and get changed? I did already.
The guys are coming by.
We're gonna ride from here.
What about you, Rhonda? You want to go in and get cleaned up? - I'm good.
- Are you? What about that dirt on your face? Luke, you wait here.
Ride with your friends.
I will bring Rhonda.
Come on.
Just, um, give me a good shake like a dog before you go inside.
I know.
And my dad has three tattoos.
Like, "Why? You're a dad.
" Ew! It's so sad when parents try.
My mom double-pierced one of her ears, and I'm like, "Hello! You're 50.
" It's so old, like, ancient to have an ear piercing.
Uh, you two decide to go to the dance? Well, yeah, but not really.
- But, yeah.
- What? We're going ironically to make fun of all the kids who make a big deal out of it.
"Ironic"? My ass.
Alex likes Drew.
She's just playing it safe.
Now, there are the pushy, obnoxious moms who try and get involved, nudge them towards one another.
We mean well.
Fancy shirt, coach Tucker.
Oh, thank you.
You know what I like to say.
I might be coach, but I travel first class.
So, what would you think about giving the opening remarks at the dance tonight? The arts committee has never made this much, and it's all because of you.
Oh, you guys, when I came to this school six months ago, I never would have imagined you would embrace me.
Excuse me? Is this a chem lab? Because I'm looking for a big reaction.
And there it is.
Hi.
How are -- Who is this? How was sabbatical? Amazing.
I'm rested and ready to take another vacation.
And how are we supposed to know him? Senor Kaplan, legendary Spanish teacher.
You know, my heart went out to him a little because he left as everyone's favorite, and I'm sure word got out about, you knowme.
I just didn't want him to feel displaced.
Okay.
Excuse me, big guy.
Gifts for everyone.
Angela, this is fresh from Anuradhapura.
And, uh, Karen, you might want to eat some chapati with that.
And this is for, um -- - It's Marcia.
- Marcia! Right, of course.
I knew that.
I must have been having a "Señor" moment.
Somebody's always on.
Who did this? What happened? Somebody knocked my bag down and broke my phone.
Lily, do you know anything about this? He did it.
Joe.
Yep.
I'm going to go and play.
She lies.
How could Joe pull a bag off a table? He can't even walk.
I'll talk to her.
Why you? Because you're such a businessman that knows how to talk to people? Trust me.
When I get done talking to her, not only will she have confessed to the crime, I might even sell her a closet.
I remember my buddies and I were playing rock war once.
That's a game where you chuck rocks at each other's heads.
What could go wrong, right? I put one through the window of my old man's Rambler, and he thought my baby brother did it.
I couldn't take it, and I told him I did it.
It felt so good to confess, and my old man was so proud of me, I didn't even get in any trouble.
Y-you know? Joe did it.
She's good.
Watch and learn.
I don't think that cleavage thing is gonna work with this one.
That's not my only trick.
Hola, Lily.
Where did grandpa go? Don't worry about Jay.
It's only you and me here now.
So, tell me.
Which one of these is your favorite? Fine.
One by one, they will disappear.
Sooner or later, we'll get to the one that you love.
Ladies and gentlemen, he's the emperor of escrow.
He puts the toot in tooter.
Let's put your hands together for Phil Dunphy! Thanks for the kind introduction, me.
Now, unlike past years I'm not gonna stand up here and talk your ears off.
No, ladies and gentlemen.
You deserve more.
This year, I'm gonna sing them off.
I'm selling away Set an open house for Saturday A gathering of agents Appeared in caravan I'm a new divorce Now I need a house That's cat-friendly They say the greats never let anything affect their performance.
Well, maybe the greats never had a daughter who checked out during the third of five planned real-time, mid-performance wardrobe changes.
I'm not gonna lie.
It knocked me off my game.
On the board Is this part of it? No.
It's not part of it.
In law school, Wendy Kirk could be a little intense.
I always hoped that she'd soften over time, but some people go the other way.
This place is a nightmare.
The conditions are deplorable, and no one should have to suffer this kind of abuse on a daily basis.
What kind of tyrant has such utter disregard for human life? I can't do this.
You have to.
Wendy needs to hear it.
Yeah, but I'm nervous.
You know, what if she -- - Mitchell.
- Yes! Hi! I just had a great idea.
I think you would be the perfect person to groom Rex.
E-excuse me? I just think he'd really respond to someone like you, you know? Y-you don't mind, right? Uh, uh, no.
No, not at all.
Great.
Thanks.
Will you go over and introduce yourself? I-intro-- okay.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Thank you.
Hello.
I'm Mitchell.
And, apparently, this is my job now.
Oh, god, you smell.
People are looking at me.
That's because you let me make you beautiful.
Stop it.
Am I? Yes, you are.
Have fun.
Go.
Go.
Drew.
Hey, Drew.
Having fun? "Fun"? Uh okay.
Oh, Drew.
Drew, listen.
Phil and I are gonna be out really late tonight, so there will not be an adult at the house when you drop Alex off, if you know what I mean.
Yeah, don't worry.
I'll, uh-- I'll drop her off, and I won't go in.
Well big house, you know cute daughter-- I would not be opposed to you walking her in, keeping her company until we get back.
Like I said, we will not be back until late.
I hear you, Mrs.
Dunphy.
You can trust me.
Well, gonna have to trust you because we have no way of knowing what you're gonna get up to.
In fact, if your car is blocking the driveway, I'll just honk twice and wait for you to come out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Go get her, tiger.
Come on.
Nice job, Tucker.
I mean, you made so many choices that I never would have made, but a lot of them are working.
Oh, well, you know, I just watched the videos of the many, many dances you planned and just built off that one on idea.
Hey, kids! There are my little chalupas! Um, what did you do to Rhonda? I cleaned her up.
No, you broke her.
I hate her like this.
She looks fantastic.
To you! Fix her.
Ugh, it confuses me.
Oh, Luke.
"The house will be empty"? You are pimping me out! It is clear that the two of you like one another.
Sometimes, you need a little nudge.
Well, you're a chaperone! Just disappear! This dance is not for you! You're lucky that's water.
Damn it.
She's been stewing in there for an hour.
I say let's lock the door, cut the power.
Let's show her that we mean business.
Let's try the joint approach first "Gitmo.
" Okay, we've been going over your story, and it doesn't add up.
My purse was too high for Joe to reach.
He's tall enough to reach up here.
He knocked over the baby powder trying to get my stuffed animals.
Not buying it.
Look.
You can see the footprints where he walked.
Walk? Lily, Lily, Lily.
Joe can't walk.
He does for me.
So, you have ways of making him walk? Lily, just admit that you did it.
Come here, Joe.
Come here like you did before.
Honey, you're embarrassing yourself.
- Come here, Joe.
- He can't walk.
He's walking! The candles that I lit worked! Look at the stride on him.
He's as surefooted as a mountain goat.
Told you.
I'm so sorry that we doubted you.
Boy, did I get lucky.
I'm going to blame everything on him until he learns how to talk.
This guy waltzes in here like he's king of the dance after doing god knows what in Sri Lanka, building schools in underdeveloped areas.
What does that even mean? Is it possible that you're being a little hard on the man? I turned his two-bit dance into the event of the year.
Look.
Burnouts and dweebs hanging out together in harmony.
That is me.
I'm sorry, Cam.
Oh, don't feel sorry for me.
Next is faculty dance.
Kaplan can't move.
It's on his Tumblr.
It's his big shame.
Trust me.
He can't touch this.
Okay, time now for the faculty dance.
Go, teachers.
Oh, are you sure? Stop.
It's "Cammer" Time.
Mind if I join you, coach? While on sabbatical, I learned a thing or two from Sri Lanka's own Chitrasena.
I don't know who that is, and it's annoying when you say things like people are supposed to know! That pathetic peacock of a man was not going down without a fight.
I had a choice to make -- be the better dancer or the bigger man.
So, I stepped off the dance floor and made the obvious call.
You want to win over a crowd? Invite a lonely mom to dance.
She never saw it coming, and neither did he.
Hey Señor.
You just got out-coached.
I try and look on the bright side of things.
I-I'm a doggy-bath-is-half-full kind of guy.
But it was time for me to open my eyes.
I was working for a monster.
I came to this job to be the voice of the downtrodden.
Turns out those downtrodden were my co-workers, and they were desperate for a hero to slay their dragon.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
Um, Rex, how's it going with Mitchell? The new guy? I haven't met him yet.
That's weird.
I asked him to introduce himself.
Hey, has anybody seen my dog? Pixie! Oh, there she is.
Okay, Wendy, I'm sorry.
I-I have something to say to you, something that everybody else here is afraid to say.
Now, I know you're fighting the good fight, but that is no excuse for the way you treat people.
T-that actually might be one of the reasons that you have no personal life because who wants to come home to a-a cold, emotionless thug? W-what are you talking about? I am an experienced, respected attorney, and on my first day, you asked me to bathe Rex.
I'm not comfortable with that.
And I'm not comfortable with that, but I did it.
Okay, that's Pixie.
This is Rex, the intern I asked you to groom.
And that is my mistake, and I own that.
But that is still no excuse for the way that you tore into him for the outfit he wore yesterday.
I was talking about the outfit he picked out for me.
Apparently, I have the one gay intern in the world with absolutely no fashion sense.
I was unaware of-- of this dynamic.
But I-I-I'm not alone here, all right? There are people in this room who feel that you are -- How did we say it? You are a tyrant with no regard for human life.
That sounds like my summation for the slum-lord case.
Oh, hey, you finished it? It's wonderful.
But he's nervous to show you.
Why are you so hard on yourself? Okay, but w-w-what -- what about you making us work on sundays? That -- the night of my barbecue? Dan? What are you still doing here? It's your anniversary! Go home! Oh, god.
This isn't happening.
No, no.
She's -- she's crazy.
I mean, I saw her attack the vending machine.
That's the only way it works since Dennis broke it.
Dennis is the guy whose office I took? Yeah, he was the machine's best customer until he started running.
One day, he said he's got to get out or -- He would die.
Okay.
Okay.
Wendy, um I-I might owe you a little bit of an apology, so I'm sorry.
Um, clearly, everybody here loves you, and I-I was wrong about everything.
So I'm sorry.
You know, you -- you weren't wrong about everything.
I mean, look, I do joke about it, but you're right.
I'm alone.
And that is not the first time that someone has called me cold.
Okay, those eggs those eggs came out of me frozen.
And I'm impossibly tall.
And even if I could find somebody to love me, they -- they wouldn't be able to reach.
No -- hey, hey.
Come on.
You're -- you're an amazing woman.
She's an amazing woman.
And you -- you're a-a role model.
You're a hero.
I'm a 6-foot hero.
No.
Come on.
You're surrounded by people who love you.
Here's Dan and Rex.
Me.
Come here.
All the way up to Samuel L.
Jackson there.
That's your mother in a Kangol hat, isn't it? Yeah.
Um, are you sure you know what you're doing, Tad? I know you're the Mortgage Doctor, but -- Someone said, "Is there a doctor in the house?" Was I supposed to not get up? Hey, dad.
You need any help out of that dress? Not unless you want to see me in nothing but a baby new year's diaper.
That was the big finish to the song you were texting through.
Hey, I got one text.
I saw most of the show -- We're leaving, okay? Could you just go to the table and grab my keys and purse? Fine.
You want to talk about it? How many kinds of fake doctor are you? Okay, time for the big award of the night, The ROY I don't even know why I'm mad at her.
Probably just 'cause she was so bored all night.
Maybe you're feeling rejected? It's my own fault.
I built up this hope that she'd want to follow me into real estate.
Phil Dunphy.
She's got her own life now.
I just don't know where we connect anymore.
You won.
- What?! - Yeah.
Help me up! As we all know, Phil had a little accident tonight, but we're happy to accept - this award on his behalf.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, w-w-w-w-wait! I got this.
Hi.
I'm, uh, I'm Haley, Phil's daughter.
Dad, you won the ROY! You all know him as an amazing realtor, but I know him as the world's greatest dad.
As far as I'm concerned, he's the dad of the year, the "DOY.
" It really is a shame that you didn't hear the rest of his act tonight.
I-I heard him rehearsing it.
Which one of you is J.
J.
McCubbin? Oh.
Hey, quick question, J.
J.
-- Why is a great mortgage rate like your wife in bed? Once a month and low interest.
What are you laughing at, Skip Woosnum? You haven't seen a commission since you joined the navy.
She is killing it.
That's my girl.
I would have hit the word "Navy" harder.
What else? What else? Oh! Margaret Furman's here.
Little heads-up to her date -- She's been upside-down in more houses than Fannie Mae.
Or, in her case, Fannie definitely will.
We all want people to think the best of us So sometimes we cover things up to protect ourselves.
But we don't have to be afraid Because the truth is always a good thing.
The truth sets us free brings us closer.
So, do you want to tell us how Joe's shoes ended up on the wrong feet? I guess the little guy knows how to put on his own shoes.
There you go, buddy.
You got this.
What are you doing? Since Joe can walk now, I figured he should be doing a few chores.
Steady, big guy! Chores? What kind of -- There he is.
Attaboy! Attaboy! A beer? Are you crazy? Where you going? You want some? He'll bring it to you.
I can't believe that you're teaching him to do that.
Wait till you see part two.
Attaboy.
Relax, it was me.