Modern Family s05e18 Episode Script

Las Vegas

Thank you for flying Jetblue.
Welcome to Las Vegas.
Here you go, here you go.
That was quick.
- You skip the line when you're on the Excelsior level.
- Oh.
Oh.
Three rooms adjoining, top floor.
Oh.
Silver, pretty.
Platinum, so don't wave that around everywhere.
People'll get jealous.
Maybe wave it around a little.
My friend Burt Tanner runs the hotel.
He comped us a few rooms because we sold him some closets for his high-roller suites.
Zebrawood, heated sock drawer, the works.
Hey, luxury bathroom, it's me, lowly closet.
Watch your back.
Mitchell? Langham? A-- d-- hey, Cam, I-it's Langham and Tim! - Hi! - Hi! - Hi! What are you boys doing here? - Bachelor-party weekend.
We're getting married in June.
- What? Oh, we really wanted to invite you, but Tim's family is huge -- Relax.
We're getting married in May and you're not coming, so Mitchell.
Oh, look at us moving on.
It's almost like you never dumped me in an e-mail the morning after I told you that I loved you.
Well, y-- in my defense, e-mail -- it was new back then - Oh.
- And it was still a blurry line as to what was appropriate and Well, we have a pretty packed weekend.
Oh, we do.
But if you guys have some time, here's our itinerary.
- Okay.
- Come play.
- Oh, yeah.
- Fun.
Bye.
- You guys, congratulations.
- Thank you.
Oh, my gosh, an actual gay agenda.
Oooh.
Looks like we're not gonna see much of you two this trip.
- No.
- No, no.
We are not participating in any of this.
They're very judgy about bachelor parties.
I offered to throw them one, and I got a whole lecture.
We're 40.
We have a child.
We've been together for 10 years.
That's the one.
It's just not who we are anymore.
Listen to this -- "bananas and cabanas pool party.
" Oh, Cam.
Yeah.
"Most creative Speedo wins tickets to The Kilty Pleasures.
" - Oh.
Ah! - Please.
- What is The Kilty Pleasures? - This.
We will be maintaining our dignity in the spa, thank you.
I mean, come on, have you ever seen a Scottish person this tan? I'm embarrassed even looking at it.
Then stop.
Whoa, that warmer drawer really works.
It's like my mom's hugging my feet again.
I'm gonna go do some shopping.
Oh, well, maybe we'll catch up later.
No, you have your day, I'll have mine.
Well, how 'bout the bar at like 5:00? Sure.
She was icing me, but I deserved it.
For the first time in my whole life, I was neglecting her.
I'd been invited to audition for a secret magic society in Las Vegas, but in all my rehearsals, I'd paid no attention to Claire.
I even left her alone in a movie theater once.
Oh, no.
I let Phil think I was still mad at him because I needed a little time to myself.
- Yeah! - Come to mama! Yeah! Years ago, Phil and I put aside money for a trip on our 25th anniversary, but I lost that money on a girls' weekend in Vegas.
Since then, I've been on a secret mission to win that money back, and if things go well this weekend, I am even.
Vegas, you have a gambling problem, and her name is Claire.
Knockity-knock-knock.
Mr.
Dunphy, I presume? Yes.
Who-- hi.
I'm Leslie Higgins -- it's a boy's name where I'm from.
- I'm your Butler.
- Oh.
Butler.
Cool.
Yes.
As an Excelsior guest, uh, I'm at your beck and call 24/7.
Anything you need, big or small, I can -- oh Can I just segue, sir, to the importance of discretion in my job? - I'll just pop those -- - Oh, no, no, no.
Never mind those.
- As you wish.
- They're for an appointment I have later.
The less you know about that, the better.
A myriad of apologies, sir.
- If there's nothing else - Oh, hang on.
Actually, do you know where I can get a cape laundered? - Opera or superhero? - I'd rather not say.
I overstepped the mark by asking.
Uh, could I just, uh, quickly point out our luxury bath service, sir? We have five outrageously decadent baths that I can prepare for you at a moment's notice.
Uh, I should just point out, though, that our pharaoh's fantasy does take a dash longer, normally, because our nubian lives off-site.
Um If there's nothing else, - I'll just help you with your case.
- Uh, no, uh -- - I'll get that.
- Yeah.
- Yep.
- All right.
Thank you.
- I love cucumber water.
- I know.
- If I were president -- - I know, I know.
Cucumbers in the reservoirs.
- Giant cucumbers.
- Mm.
- Mr.
Pritchett? - Yes, hi.
All right, I'll see you in 90 minutes.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
Mr.
Tucker? Mr.
Tucker? We had a few no-shows for the Britney concert, so One, please.
Uh, what about Mitchell? It's Vegas -- he doesn't need to know what I'm doing.
I don't need to know what he's doing.
So if you see him, maybe don't mention what I'm doing.
Oh.
Understood.
So, do you have anything on the aisle? Yeah? Rasputin's dalmatian drowned in the Volga.
I thought he was allergic to dogs.
You're thinking of Merlin.
And it was peanuts.
Okay, everybody.
We have a visitor.
Welcome Phil Dunphy.
- Hi.
- Hey, Phil.
Hi.
Hey.
I'm so honored to be here.
Wow.
You may recognize my -- my screen name, abracadunphy17.
That's you? You're up in the middle of the night a lot.
My wife grinds her teeth.
But let me tell you another story.
It's about the miracle of metamorphosis.
- Uh, Phil -- - They say the only constant is change -- Phil, we're gonna get to your trick in just a minute.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Got a little excited there.
The heroes of the underground-magic blogosphere -- "Flashpaper" Finelli, Kaiser Mayhem, The Kid.
When you think about it, it's crazy they're all alive at the same time.
Jay, I'm feeling a little cold.
Maybe I should buy a scarf.
Sure, get a couple of 'em.
Why, I know it's a little extravagant, but we're Excelsior now -- might as well look it.
Many years ago, when Jay was in Las Vegas, he bought Barkley, the doggy butler.
I hate Barkley.
I knew if Jay saw Rebarka, he would want her too.
Yeah, that's her name -- Rebarka.
Uh, but, uh -- you know, if we're going to gamble, maybe I need my lucky sweater.
Can you go and get it in the room? Who has a lucky sweater? You wore two different shoes to watch the super bowl.
Fine.
No, Jay! Other way.
I like that way.
Sorry, sir.
This is a private elevator.
No need to apologize.
I'm glad you're on top of this stuff.
That's only for the Excelsior level.
This elevator goes to the top floor.
I thought Excelsior was the top -- 62.
Mandalay Bay has 63 floors.
Top floor is Excelsior Plus.
Wait, they're allowed up there? They're wearing dungarees.
Son of a bitch! Come on, let me see an eight.
- I want to see an eight.
- Seven out.
Sorry.
We'll get 'em next time, baby.
Claire.
Give me your key.
I need to charge something to your room.
Hang on a second.
Four.
Point is four.
Okay, odds on four and a five each on "C" and "E.
" What are you talking about? It's the lady version of Barkley.
I have to put it on hold so that Jay, if he sees it, he can't buy it, and then I will cancel the charge before we leave.
Winner -- four the hard way! Oh, yes! Finally! Claire, the key.
Oh no, honey.
You're not going anywhere.
You're my good-luck charm.
Give these a blow, beautiful.
Oh! And how was your massage? So re-- So, so relaxing.
Sorry, my masseuse was blasting the Enya.
So, what are you gonna do next? A long soak? A long sauna? Ooh, I think a sauna.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna do a soak.
- Oh, a soak does sound nice.
- Maybe I'll do a sauna.
Is that -- is that glitter on your face? Oh Yeah, I think my masseuse might moonlight.
Vegas.
- All right, I'll see you in an hour.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Enjoy it.
Really have fun.
Relax, Mitchell.
- Phil, you're up.
- Okay.
The miracle of metamorphosis.
They say the only constant is change.
Well, all of that is about to ch-- be different.
Note the simple burlap sack, the kind you'd find in any home.
If you'd be so kind as to assist me, The -- The -- The Kid, I'll endeavor to prove that some change is glacial, while some change is instantaneous.
Now, if you'd be so kind as to raise the simple burlap sack above my head and pinch my wrists.
You'll note, the clock says exactly 4:02.
I have 3:15.
Yeah, I have 6:35.
Kaiser Mayhem! It's what I do.
Wait, it's 5:20? I actually have to call my wife.
Uh, no, Phil, you can't just stop in the middle of a trick.
That's a cardinal rule.
Guys, it's an emergency.
Don't tell me you've never had to call your spouse.
Oh There's -- there's people for you.
Come on, Claire.
Please pick up.
- And the lady wins again.
- Yes! Yes! I did it! I did it! I did it! I won back my money.
Oh, suck it, the house.
- Claire, the key.
- Yeah, okay, here you go.
And, hey, buy yourself something sparkly.
Gloria, there's a floor above us.
- What?! - I know.
It threw me, too.
Excelsior Plus.
But to the people on that floor, we're Excelsior Minus.
Mm, what is up there? You need a black card to get in.
All we've got is this stupid silver one.
Oh, I thought it was platinum.
It's crap.
Uh, why -- why don't you call your friend Burt and tell him that we need the black card? Because he's not my friend.
I never really even met him.
I think I heard him cough one time on a conference call.
I don't know why he would treat me this way.
- Oh, come on! - What? Oh, come on! You're Jay Pritchett! You're gonna find your friend Burt and tell him who you are, and you're gonna get the black card, because when you set your mind on something, nobody can stop you! - Right! - Wait! Go that way.
Excuse me, how much is that doggy in the window? I had finally taken back from Vegas what Vegas took from me.
That's a feeling of satisfaction I can't describe Because it didn't last very long.
- Oh, hey, Claire.
- Yeah? - Have you seen Cam? - No.
- Although we should stay in one place so he can find us.
- Yeah.
How about a Blackjack table? Oh, no, I'm really worn out from my massage, the sauna It was just -- it was a lot of detoxing.
You know what you need? Some toxing.
- No.
- Hand of Blackjack, couple of tequilas.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Do it.
You sound just like the kid who bullied me into smoking my first cigarette.
Maybe this time you won't tell on me.
- And then hit.
- Yes.
And then hit.
And then stay.
Ah, ah.
- I know.
I have it.
- Okay.
You are in a great position right now.
Oh, the dealer has 21.
Hers is better.
I am so sorry, Mitchell.
I promise you, we did everything right.
- Don't be mad.
- I'm not mad.
- Really? - T-that was -- that was thrilling.
I'm - My pulse is racing.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- Thank you so much for making me do this.
- Yeah.
I'm going to play another hand.
- We're going to play another hand.
- No, alone.
- Not with you.
You're bad luck.
- Really? Go -- far.
The minute I got rid of her, I couldn't lose.
Oh, gambling's fun.
And easy.
Hey, big spender.
What are you doing? Gambling.
I'm a gambler now.
- Look at you, letting loose.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I figure whatever mischief one might get into in Vegas kind of remains here within the limits of the city, you know? - That's a cool way to think about it.
- Yeah.
- You know, I'm really glad that you came over here.
- Really? Why is that? Well, I always hated the way that things ended between us, you know? Maybe now we can go out on a better note.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
Oh -- oh, my God! that's my room number.
Huh.
Um, hit me.
Seven.
Seven! That's 21, huh? Yes! Yeah! Ah! Whoa, check you out.
I guess tonight's my night to get lucky.
I would say.
- 80, okay.
- Thank you.
- Maybe I will run into you again, huh? - Okay.
Oh, you $120, $140, Higgins, for nothing -- nothing! I want to do something crazy.
Okay, I'm gonna order a bath.
Sir, it seems to me like you've gone mad.
Okay, this is what I want.
I want something romantic, but also a little dangerous.
Romantic, dangerous -- might I suggest, sir, the techno bath? Your heart will throb with the bass while your eyes take in an off-the-scale laser light show from that most intimate of V.
I.
P.
arenas -- your own tub.
Okay.
I want that.
That's what I want.
Me thinks the Little Red Riding Hood may be a big, bad wolf.
Oh! I'll be back shortly with supplies.
Okay! Ah, Mr.
Dunphy! How are we this evening? Not so good.
I'm in a tight spot with my lady.
- Ah.
- You know what might help? One of those -- one of those luxury baths.
Ah, get yourself out of some hot water by getting her into some.
Wow, so good.
Might I suggest the Michael Bublé bath? You are a mind reader.
I'm not a mind reader, sir.
I've just been in the bath-buttling business since the early '90s, despite my fresh face, so I tend to know what these situations need.
- I'll get the water going.
- As you wish.
Same price either way.
Burt says he's gonna be here any minute.
We got to really lay it on for this guy -- best scotch, put on something sexy.
I have a great idea! Cigars! A man like Burt appreciates a good cigar.
Good thinking! Of course, upstairs, the butler would be here already.
I'm telling you, we might as well be sleeping in the basement.
I said hold it, not deliver it! Okay, there.
Come here.
Stay in Claire's room.
Hey, honey.
I'm in the bathroom.
Honey? Okay, I-I know I messed up, but sit tight -- I got a little surprise for you.
Higgins, you got a minute? belong to you, sir.
I need a couple of primo cigars, A.
S.
A.
P.
I'm not a stickler for how they got in the country.
I'm also expecting a special scotch delivery.
I need a shave.
Burt can't see me like this.
Unfortunately, the shaving butlers are all -- I know, Excelsior Plus.
- Are you decent? - I am.
Well, not for long.
- My partner should be here any minute.
- Is it me, sir, or is the air positively fizzing with erotic anticipation? Yeah.
- Oh, I forgot the ice.
- Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get it.
Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.
- No, not a problem.
- As you wish.
Same price either way.
Oh, I-I'm sorry.
I-I'm looking for Mitchell.
Oh, yeah, he's expecting you.
In fact, he's asked me to draw the two of you a bath.
Wow.
- This is crazy.
- Yeah.
I believe that's the plan.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
Oh, good.
You're back.
How's Claire seem? I'm sorry? You must have seen her out there.
Is she mad? W-what's she doing? Uh, she's dusting, sir.
Oh, she always cleans when she's mad.
Do me a favor -- bring her a drink and tell her to get comfortable on the couch.
She's -- she's allowed on the furniture, is she? She's my wife.
Oh, good! I've been looking for you.
Well, you should have been looking for somebody who was looking for you, because that's what I was doing.
Come on, I have a surprise for you.
Oh Yeah, I-I've been thinking we need to stop being so uptight.
We are in Vegas.
Let's have a little fun.
Well, I'll have to wrap my head around that, but okay.
Now, I have just the way to kick it off -- something we could do together.
It's a little extreme, - but I think it might be just what we need.
- Okay.
Go on in.
Are you crazy? Oh, come on, Cam, we deserve this.
All right, you get started, and then I'll jump in when it starts to heat up.
- Mitchell! - Come on.
Then I will throw you into it, tiger.
Rub a dub dub.
Dear, no.
Langham.
Both of you? Huh.
Well, okay.
No.
No.
No, not okay.
What are you doing here? You gave me your room key.
- What?! - Don't act so shocked.
You told me at the bachelor party you two lead separate lives.
You went to the bachelor party? Yes, and I was starting to feel bad about sneaking around, but I guess I shouldn't have, now that I see what you're up to.
I'm not up to anything! I left my key by mistake.
We're all obviously tense.
Let's take a deep breath Get in the tub That's not happening.
You want to tell me how you "accidentally" gave someone your key? You want to tell me why you spent all day sipping Tequila out of some guy's navel? - You saw that? - I guessed.
Hi, guys.
What's going on? Hey, Claire.
Can you please just come back? - We're in the middle of an argument.
- Oh.
Bet I know why.
Are you guys getting in the bath? Or I'm way off.
- Langham! - It's Tim.
- He can't know I'm here.
He has insane trust issues.
- Insane? Langham, are you in there? - Go out this door.
- In here.
Gloria, hurry up, will you? He's on his way up.
I need to shave.
Oh, you're here.
Jay Pritchett.
Thanks for stopping by.
Nice robe.
Like Hef, back in the day.
I'm gonna cut to the chase.
I like your lifestyle.
I want a taste of it.
Well, s-sure, that's flattering, but - Okay, the bathroom is all you-- - Gloria, it's Burt Tanner! That's not Burt Tanner, that's Long-ham.
Langham! What's that thing doing here? Just enjoying a dirty Martini before a cleansing romp in the bath.
That's not who the bath is for.
Oh, my mistake.
Welcome Claire.
You're certainly gonna be clean by the end of the night, aren't you? Jay, I forgot all my hair products! I'm going to borrow from Claire.
Okay, the coast is clear.
Eee! Ay.
Huh? Jay! Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Hey.
Phil, there you are.
Ducky! How'd you know where I was? Magicians run this town.
Really? No.
I'm a shaving butler up on Plus.
Look, I felt bad about how things went down today, and I-I just wanted to give you another shot.
Right this way.
I really think you're gonna like what you see.
Okay, let me just get everything set up.
Metamorphosis.
They say the only constant is change.
I-I'm sorry, what -- I-- s-- what is that? Oh, I don't even know.
Something my wife bought.
Let me just get rid of it.
Here we go.
Really, uh, rubbing it in on that wife thing, huh? Metamorphosis.
Burt! Nice of you to come down a floor and see how the other half lives.
If you will, raise it above my head and pinch it at my wrists.
Go ahead and make it good and tight.
Don't be easy on me.
Okay.
Now As the lowly caterpillar becomes the majestic butterfly, as the tiny acorn becomes the mighty oak, so, too, do we complete our metamorphosis.
So, it's The Governor's Bluff.
Well, it's a huge twist on The Governor's Bluff.
Eh.
No, no, no, no, no! There were other elements.
You just kind of threw me off.
I forgot -- I was gonna -- as a flourish I was gonna use one -- Hola.
A-- that's amazing! Y-you lull me with this -- with this hacky quick change, and the whole time, you're changing the fake dog into a hot maid? It's brilliant! It's magic! No, that's metamorphosis! Like you, Burt, I enjoy the finer things.
As a matter of fact, that's probably the Cuban I ordered for you.
Hola.
Cam, if you wanted a bachelor party, you should have just said something.
Well, I didn't know I wanted one until we got here.
And you're so "eh, eh, eh," - I-I was afraid to say anything.
- Okay, all right.
Lucky for the two of you, I know you better than you know yourselves, and what the two of you need is a little guilty pleasure, or should I say The scotch delivery you had me on the lookout for, sir.
I like your style, Pritchett.
You're in.
Vegas.
- This reminds me of my late grandfather.
- He was Scottish? - He was a stripper.
- Oh.
There we go.
You've got the touch, kid.
I was blessed with my mother's small hands, sir.
Shall I order your complimentary, in-room, hot-stone massage? Complimentary? All part of the Excelsior Plus experience, sir.
Might be nice after a dip in your private lap pool.
Oh, where has this been all my life? You know, I saw a harpist in the elevator.
Can we get that for our brunch tomorrow? If it was up to me, yes, but unfortunately, that is reserved for our Excelsior Ultra guests only.
Son of a bitch!