Modern Family s06e10 Episode Script

Haley's 21st Birthday

- Hi.
- Hey.
- Evening, folks.
- Come on in.
- Hi.
Wait, wait! Hang on, guys! Wait! Don't you need to check I.
D.
s? - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Huh? Sorry, we don't offer a senior discount.
No.
No, it's not for me, and now I really need a drink.
Go on, honey.
Show him your license.
Go on.
- Picture! - Oh? Somebody 21 today? - Yes.
- Yes.
- Military gal.
Welcome, Private Dorchester.
Uh, oops.
That is the wrong one.
I am so very sorry.
- Hold on a second.
- Put that away! Yes, I'm a huge dork for celebrating my 21st with my family, but my mom was crazy excited to go to a bar with me.
Or just to go to a bar.
Aw, it's so nice what you two are doing.
My mother would have never taken me out for a drink.
Why? Was she super strict? No, she would never see me as an adult.
Well, except when the police came to the house.
Then, she would be like, "Gloria, you go talk to them.
"Tell them your father was here last night.
But unbutton your shirt a little bit first.
" Okay, uh, the craziest thing I heard -- and there is some competition there -- is that you think this lady treats me like I'm an adult.
Wait, I-I do treat you like an adult.
You made me change my shirt two times before we left the house and force-fed me a cheese sandwich so I wouldn't get sloppy drunk.
No, that is just one woman offering another woman, uh, fashion tips and advice for casual drinking.
What do you know about fashion? What do you know about casual drinking? Okay, okay.
That's funny.
See, I wouldn't have laughed at that before 'cause you were a kid, but now I'm gonna laugh 'cause it's funny.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Sorry that took so long.
We got trapped by those bridesmaids over there.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
That's what happens when you bring gay guys to a straight club.
We're like catnip to drunken bachelorette party girls.
The problem is, they can get a little bit clingy.
- But don't worry, Haley.
We are here for you tonight.
- Ohh.
- To Haley's first drink, huh? - Salud.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Ooh, it burns.
Thanks again for driving me, Jay.
You've arrived at your destination.
Get it? 'Cause we're in a German car.
I have lived a long, full life.
I will drive us into a wall.
Tonight, while Claire gets things started at the bar, Jay is taking me to pick up Haley's birthday present -- A new car! Phil shopped around, found something very safe and low-maintenance with lots of good reviews.
Till I married her.
I'm joking! You're not low-maintenance! - I doubled down.
- Oh, I heard you.
Are you sure you don't want me to go in with you, you know, maybe hammer out some final details? No.
Deal's already worked out.
I'm just gonna pop my Herbie Hancock on a few forms, and I'll, uh -- I'll meet you at the bar.
Great.
Well, you don't need me.
Leaving Phil with a car salesman is like covering a baby goat in barbecue sauce and dropping it in the middle of the Serengeti.
Well, I-it all seems to check -- Wait a minute.
This can't be right.
Am I allowed to sign this with a red pen? Good catch, Phil.
One quick thing -- if you really want to do something special for your daughter, what do you say we throw in some upgraded wheels? How much would that cost? How much do you spend a day on a cup of coffee? Oh, for god's sakes! - Jay? - Answer the question! A cup of coffee? $3.
50.
- Not you! - What are you doing here? I'm just here to make sure everything's on the up-and-up.
Um, Daryl, this is my father-in-law, Jay Pritchett.
Jay, you don't have to be here.
It's all worked out.
Tell you what, why don't you throw in those upgraded wheels you love so much, lower the drive-off by $500, we call it a deal? I'm sorry, but this is the best I can do.
Come on, Daryl.
We're all businessmen here.
We all know there's wiggle room when we say there's no wiggle room.
So, come on.
Let's see you wiggle.
I can't.
I can't wiggle.
- Jay, I've already wiggled him.
- No, trust me, he can wiggle.
- I really can't.
I -- - Wiggle, Daryl.
Wiggle.
Do you know where babies come from? Lily, I'm studying.
Are you a nerd? No.
Why would you ask me that? It's Friday night, and you're doing homework.
It's my senior year.
Trust me, Lily, there'll be tons of fun Friday nights in my future with artists, dignitaries, other scientists.
I didn't hear "boyfriend.
" You're 0 for 3.
You keep hitting me in the face.
Or am I 3 for 3? Then what's the point of the apple? It keeps you from moving.
Hey, guys, do you know where babies come from? Lily, that's not an appropriate question.
Come on.
Do you know or not? Uh, yes.
The stork brings them.
This dork? Good stuff.
Hey, Lily, how about something to eat? You want some chicken nuggets? - Okay.
- All right.
So, do you know how babies are made? Yep, and I'll tell you.
- But first, we're gonna need a pen and a bagel.
- Why? Well, you're gonna need to take notes, and I'm hungry.
Please.
Okay, we can't wait any longer.
We are dying to give you our present! Guys, I said no gifts.
No, you said no gifts under $100.
Oh, did I? Gimme.
It's just a little something from your supercool guncles.
Okay! There is a lot of pressure when one is a gay uncle Or guncle.
giving a gift to a niece as hip and chic as Haley.
In the 10 years that we've been together, we've only missed the mark one time.
Yeah, when Claire told us what to buy, but we learned our lesson -- ignore Claire and trust our gay instincts.
Or "ginstincts.
" Too much.
No.
Oh, my god! So cute! - Really? You think? - Yes! Totally! Super cute! Because we can return them if you don't like them.
No, no, they're good.
I love them.
If we wore the same size, I would have these on right now.
He's been gone a long time.
I think we hurt his feelings.
These guys don't have feelings.
He's back there making time with a secretary, bragging about how he's taking a couple suckers for a ride.
Look.
He was in the military.
So was Oswald.
Hey.
Can you trust me that I'm gonna get you the best deal possible? You know what? Why do I keep fighting you on this? You know what you're doing.
I'm behind you all the way.
Boom.
Well, I spoke to my manager Yeah.
and I can't give you the wheels or the discount.
Frankly, he's mad that I gave you the deal that's on the table.
Well, thanks, Daryl.
You did your best.
You, too, Jay.
I guess we'll just sign and be on our way.
- Or we can get out of here.
- What? I'm sorry, buddy.
I got a pal at the dealership closer to his house.
We're gonna take our business there.
Let's go, Phil.
I think Phil wants to take the car.
Don't tell Phil what he wants.
Phil wants to leave.
Phil? What are we doing? That was a great deal.
- Wrong.
Keep walking.
- Jay, I need this car.
We're supposed to be at the bar in 20 minutes.
Calm down.
He's not gonna let us leave the lot.
You can order your appletini now and be there before the ice melts.
You better be right about this 'cause you are dead wrong about appletinis having ice.
Hey! Guys, hold on a second! Yes, Daryl.
You forgot your sunglasses.
Happy? Yeah.
These aren't my sunglasses.
I cannot believe Haley didn't like the shoes.
Oh, come on.
Of course she did.
No, she most certainly did not.
She gave us the high voice.
"They're cute!" I know the voice.
I invented the voice.
I use the voice.
Wait.
So, I can't pull off mid-thigh shorts? No, you can.
Pull them off and give them to somebody 20 years younger.
You're so silly! What are you two giggling about? Haley just asked me -- Oh, you don't want to know, trust me.
No, I do.
I do.
I do.
I do.
I do.
Tell me.
No, you'll just be all judgy because you want me to be this perfect, little angel.
Oh, honey, no, that's not true.
I know I have not done a great job of it so far, but I meant it when I said I want to have a more adult relationship.
I am sure the reason why mom and I grew apart is that she never stopped treating me like a child.
Plus, she was loco for loco-puffs.
What, you do not have that cereal? - Come on.
Haley, let me in.
- Okay, fine, so we were laughing - because we were playing "would you rather.
" - Mm-hmm.
What's that? And I said, "would you rather marry George Clooney "or have the best sex of your life for just one night with Tom Hardy?" - Who's that? - I don't know.
Google him.
I'm going with Tom because George would just want to talk about politics all the time and Tom seems like he would quietly get the job done.
- That's exactly what Haley said! - Oh! All right! Okay! Yeah! Hey, you two! It's dance time! Oh, boy.
Here we go.
Yeah, somebody's hungry for a little bit more.
We should have just told them we're straight.
We met them because you accurately identified the bride's perfume.
You two ready to tear it up? Oh well, we're kind of doing our own thing right now, - but thank you.
- Come on, boys! Who are those gays? I don't know, but I like their look.
- Do you? - Really? Yeah.
I can feel it.
This guy's gonna get us the deal we want.
I had the deal we want, and now it's gone, - just like your imaginary friend who never worked here.
- Calm down.
We're already up three hot dogs and a pair of sunglasses.
Okay, guys, I ran some numbers, and I can't come close to the price you had over there.
He was losing money on that car.
- Oh, my god.
- Not helping.
All right, Tony, let's cut to the chase.
You either start negotiating, or we're gonna walk back over there and take that other deal.
Well, if you can still get it, yeah, Th-that's what I would do.
You want to dance.
I don't mind.
I'll lead.
$500 down.
Sir even with the deep discounts we offer during the hot dog-a-thon, I have never seen a deal like that.
Hear that, Jay? I won.
What did I win? Not a car! I got to call that first guy back.
Tony, clock is ticking.
Your move.
What's that? Could that be from your manager, huh, perhaps? Uh, yeah, he says that unless you buy a car, you can't have any more hot dogs.
Okay, so, a boy and a girl meet at a frat party and they both think each other is totally hot, so they pound their beers and head upstairs.
Luke, stop.
She's not hearing this from you.
- Why not? - You're too immature.
I'm not immature, butt face.
And how would you say it? Well, I would say they meet through friends, and after dating for an appropriate amount of time, he takes her to a romantic French bistro.
- Then maybe, if the mood is right -- - Maybe? I just bought you a big French dinner.
That was your choice.
I owe you nothing.
Your hand was on my knee the whole time.
What was I supposed to think? I was expressing affection, not signing a contract.
This date is over.
Come on, sexy, don't be like that.
Make a baby with me.
What is going on in here?! Nothing.
Can I just say that I'm glad they didn't come get us? Exactly.
Who needs those clingy broads? "Broads"? Does anyone say "broads" anymore? I don't know.
I was trying something.
You know, maybe they just saw us with Haley and they were like, "hey, let's give those guys some space.
" Or they already knew those gays.
Or they thought those young guys would be better dancers than us.
No, no.
Since when does young equal better? Oh.
Let's show them what we got.
Hey, real quick what have we got? Um, well, I can raise the roof and do the cabbage patch.
Okay, and I can do the "single lady" hand thing.
Yeah, but put your neck into it or you just look like the Queen waving.
- Oh, good point.
- Okay.
Now you're ready.
Okay, let's go.
- Hey, ladies! - Hey, single ladies! Hey, guys! Oh, thank god.
We need to tap out.
Yeah, these chicks latched on and won't let go.
You know how they are with us.
No, you don't have to tell us.
We couldn't get rid of those three all night.
So, why don't you guys go ahead and split? We'll take over.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go, go.
- Yes.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.
- We'll hold it down.
- Yeah, yeah.
Boys, where are you going?! - You guys, don't go! - Oh, yeah, don't worry about it, ladies, because we are here now and we are ready to boogie.
- Great! - Whoo-hoo.
So fun! We're gonna go hit some clubs now.
Oh, clubs.
That sounds rad.
- Cool.
Super dope.
- Yes.
- You guys have fun.
- Huh? What happened? Oh, my god.
Stop.
We're gancient.
Really? Dylan? - Dylan? - Yep.
Swear it.
Like you cannot believe.
Huh.
You know what? I kind of get him now.
- Right? - Yes! I always got Dylan.
Careful.
You're like my grandma.
Grandma? Easy.
I have stabbed closer relatives than you.
I can't believe I'm talking to my mom about this.
Honey, I told you, you're a grown-up now.
I'm gonna respect your decisions, and let you live your life.
It's the best gift I can give to you on your 21st birthday -- my friendship and unconditional acceptance.
Aw! That means so much to me right now.
- You know why? - Mnh.
Why? Because I want to get a tattoo tonight, and I was afraid you'd say no.
Ay, how could she say no after everything she just said to you?! How could I say no? Is there a way? Oh, my god, mom, this is the best present ever! Could tonight get any better?! Yes! She can pay for it so you can get a really big one! I'm so excited! Phil, where are you? You have to get down here and stop Haley from getting a tattoo.
What, no, you stop her! I can't.
I made a commitment to being her friend.
Why would you do that? I don't know.
I was trying something.
Just get down here with that car, and we can distract her.
I'd love to, but your dad played hardball and we lost it.
How on earth did you let that happen?! I don't know.
Why don't you ask the Tweety bird on Haley's neck? Oh, god, not the neck.
She's a tough-enough hire as it is.
Okay, um Fine, y-you deal with the car.
I'll deal with the tattoo.
Just get here.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
No, no, no, no.
I'm done listening to you.
I had a great deal.
You know how I know? I called the salesman at the first dealership while you were sneaking your third hot dog, and it already sold.
Fine.
We don't need it.
Here's the plan -- we tell them Haley is really sick.
Oh, my god, you're sick.
Good thinking! I'll be sick 'cause nobody cares about people they can't see.
I researched that car online for weeks, and then you swoop in with your tough-guy swagger to teach me a lesson about buying cars in the '70s! You know, this all happened because of you, sitting there, covered in sweat and fear, undercutting my every word.
Now, if you want a really good deal, you park your butt out here, play on your Internet.
I'm going old-school on this sales weasel, and I'm gonna break him in half.
Is somebody helping you? He better be! Yes, thank you so much.
Okay, I am technically in charge tonight, so no one tells Lily where babies come from.
I could not agree more.
I don't know why you Americans are so uptight about sex.
Sex is confusing for young people, and she doesn't need to learn from two fuzz-staches who barely know anything themselves.
Excuse me, you might want to check my browser history.
I've done some research.
Oh.
Well, great.
I'm just gonna go vomit forever now.
What are you guys doing? - Uh, nothing.
- Just talking.
- Not really anything.
Can we finish our conversation? No.
Lily, I'm sorry, but if you have questions, you're gonna have to ask your dads.
You don't know, do you? - I do so.
- Uh-huh, I know.
No, we don't.
Right, guys? - No, I guess not.
- No.
That's embarrassing.
Want me to tell you? What? Hey, that's why you asked if we knew where babies came from -- because you wanted to tell us? Yeah, you're old.
You should know.
But you might want to sit down for this.
I found a tattoo shop nearby.
It has four stars on Yelp, and it has military discount.
Well, Private Dorchester reporting for duty.
You are just so helpful tonight, Gloria.
- You know what else you should do? - Another idea.
You should do mother-and-daughter tattoos, like -- like, uh, two halves of a heart.
- Or the moon and some stars.
- Oh.
Mm.
Or, like, a bird and a rifle.
- Oh, my god, let's do that! - Yes! Yes! I mean, not that, but, like, let's get matching tattoos! I want to do that with you.
- You do? - Yeah! It could be, like, our special thing that we have for the rest of our lives, just us.
And no matter where we go or what we do, when people ask us about our tattoos, we can say that they're from the best night of our lives together.
That is so sweet.
I mean it.
I want to do it with you.
Will you? I can't believe this, but I will.
I will.
I will 'cause I love you.
- I love you, too! - I love you.
I love you.
- They also have piercing! - Enough.
You know what? I don't even need to be cool anymore.
It's like, why? Yes, exactly.
Why? Who cares.
Besides, isn't the cooler thing not caring if you're cool? Yeah, and if the new cool is not caring, then I'm supercool, not that I care.
Hey, guys! Guess what.
We're getting matching tattoos.
Love it.
We're doing it, too.
We need this.
- Are you serious? - Are we serious? As serious as Bert and Ernie.
It was supposed to be such a great moment for me as a dad.
I was gonna walk into that bar, give my daughter her new car keys, and say, "honey chug that drink.
We're going for a spin.
" Phil, put these in your purse.
I just beat your unbeatable deal by 500 samolians.
Stick that in your Internet.
- What? - This guy's a bulldog.
He wore me down.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
You never stood a chance.
Thank you, Jay.
Hop in.
I'll give you a walk-through.
Okay.
Some more good news for you -- Your father-in-law also talked me into two years of free satellite radio.
Of course he did.
The guy's always one-upping me.
I work for months getting the best deal.
He walks in, bullies you down, and proves what a pushover I am.
- Let me just show you this horn.
- Why? Did he get an upgrade on -- My father-in-law can be a jerk, too, so I got to say something.
You got a much better deal than he got.
Some horn, huh? What? He came groveling into my office and begged me to lie and say that he got the better price, but he paid me the difference.
How much more did he pay? $1,000.
Oh, my god, he really cares what I think about him.
- More than you know.
- That is one beautiful man.
Hey, dumbass, enough with the horn, huh? I love you, too! Oh! Uh, the tattooing -- it does really hurt.
I don't think I drank enough.
Huh.
So, a couple of firsts tonight.
Okay, what should we get? It needs to be something important to us.
I-is Nelson Mandela still in jail? I think it should be something just a little more personal.
Okay, what about lilies for Lily? Flowers? Be faster just to get the word "gay.
" I hope everybody's ready! So beautiful.
Well, check it, losers.
I am all tatted up.
Ay, I'm so proud of you.
I can't believe you did this.
- I know! I know! I know! - It's very sexy.
- Very nice.
- Yeah.
Well, it is Sanskrit for "mother.
" And Haley's gonna get one that says "daughter.
" Well Well, what? It's just, um, I-I'm not totally sure I'm not bailing.
No.
No, you're not.
But it just looks super painful, a-a-and this is nothing to do with you, but I don't think I want a tattoo when I have old skin.
Haley, if you don't get "daughter," it's gonna look like I did this for my mother, and then I'm gonna have to saw my leg off.
Or you could just add to it.
Hey, what's Sanskrit for "issues"? Haley, come on.
You're up.
Let's go.
I don't know, mom.
It's -- Now that I see it, it's so permanent.
Young lady, I swear to God I will spank you.
No, my god! Is that for me?! Happy birthday, sweetheart! Thank you so much! I love it! Please tell me you didn't get a tattoo.
No, but talk to mom, 'cause she's trying to make me.
- Oh, it's so cute! Can I take it for a ride?!- Of course! When I grow up, I want to have kids.
You're not going anywhere.
You've been drinking tonight.
Only 'cause you made me.
What are you trying to do to her? Well, first, I want a perfect husband How about you guys? Come on.
You're gonna get your tattoo, right? We realized we don't need one to be cool.
It seems sort of desperate.
But yours is cute.
- Super cute! - Yeah.
Someone who takes care of me.
Ay, Jay.
I'm tired.
I'm hungry.
Take me home.
Come on.
We'll get you a big bowl of loco-puffs.
And then we're gonna make a baby Oh, my gosh! which is easy.
You just put eggs and tadpoles in a glass, and the woman has to drink it.
Then, the woman and man kiss and jump on their bed.
After a year, she pees, and a baby comes out.
- Wow.
- Oh, my god.
- Okay, then.
Now that Claire has a tattoo, I can finally get one of my own! So, I've been trying to think of a phrase that sums up the way I live my life.
I don't think small.
I don't do things halfway.
I'm not afraid of taking risks.
So, then, I was trying to think of the perfect place to put it, you know? You don't want to put it on a-a body part that's gonna wrinkle or -- or sag too much, and you don't want it in some place where if you're wearing a suit it would show.
So, on my lower back I would put the words "Go deep.
" Bam! - Think about it.
- I heard it.
Okay.
"Do it.
" No.
- "All in.
" - No.