Modern Family s07e07 Episode Script

Phil's Sexy, Sexy House

Well, I'm off.
While I do love our tradition of still getting together on Saturday for Thanksgiving leftovers, maybe next time we can order a turkey that doesn't have its own Event Horizon.
Oh, well, who cares? I know it's totally gonna slay them in my astrophysics club.
First time anyone in that club gets slayed.
Let me give you a hug goodbye.
I cannot believe that you're already going to college.
It seems like yesterday when you were a little girl reading at college level.
Check you out! Thanks.
I have a hot study partner coming over, so -- What are you making, my little chef? I'm making pasghetti! You are adorable.
I remember when I had everyone in the palm of my hand with a two-foot putt like "pasghetti.
" We both know you know how to say it.
Hey, guys, thanks again for helping me to get that listing.
Cyril's house.
- Pretty sexy, huh? - Ridonk.
This place makes the Playboy mansion look like an old folks' home.
Which I guess it kind of is now.
Infinity pool, killer views, state-of-the-art game room, home theater Plus that four-person shower.
Did you know that's where Cyril met his new husband? - Aww.
- Mm-hmm.
Even the security code's sexy.
It spells out "sexy" on the keypad.
Even I think that's trying too hard, and at this point, I'm mostly body spray.
And that master bathtub alone has been in four rap videos plus a murder re-creation on a "Dateline" special called "Rub-a-dub Dead.
" When I was younger, I was a little embarrassed my dad was just a real-estate agent.
But as I got older, I realized, hey, he may not have the coolest job in the world, but he puts food on the table and has access to a bunch of empty houses I can sneak into.
" Wow.
Nice pool at the three-bedroom in Hillgrove.
Well, looky here, one of my kids showing interest in the family biz.
Oh, I don't know if I'm smart enough for that.
You have to remember so much stuff, like when anyone's gonna be there.
That's what the datebook's for.
Plus you have to remember all of those lock-box combinations.
I just use a very special birthday.
I left my watch by Cyril's tub.
I'm usually extra careful not to leave any trace that I was at one of my dad's houses, but this tub has 16 pulsating jets, and the whole floor vibrates with something called "Swedish release.
" It took me 20 minutes to find my car in the driveway.
I'm so sorry, grandpa.
I have to go do this thing for work.
- Thanks.
- Hold on.
- No one leaves this house without a bag of meat.
- Mm.
Bye, honey.
Can you believe how conscientious our little girl has become? Racing off to work on a Saturday.
There's a 30% chance she thinks it's Friday, - but still.
- Mm-hmm.
Are you still mad at me? Mmmmm-hmm.
I lost my cool on Phil last night.
But in my defense, I had been traveling all day, and we had different ideas about how we were gonna spend the evening.
Get in here right now.
Get in this tub, you dirty girl.
Oh, honey, that is so sweet, but I've been up since 5:00 A.
Don't overthink it, babe.
Just take the plunge.
Oh, good, you're back.
Could you grab the underwater camera? You're bathing with them now? They waddled into the garage and got oil on them.
And then when they were in here by themselves, all they wanted to do was horse around, so I spent the morning in Berkeley and the afternoon in Portland.
I deserve to feel clean again.
But now the nice, soothing tub that I've been dreaming about all day is filled with feathers and motor oil and probably bird flu.
So, no.
You just sit tight, and I will use the hose in the backyard.
Could you still grab the camera? Okay.
I was harsh.
But the flight back from Portland was rough.
The overheads were packed with foldable bikes, and I was sitting next to a guy using a typewriter.
Still, Phil is really holding on to this one.
Well, Phil's mad at me.
Come here, little girl.
Let me give you a hug.
You're not shy with those hugs today, are you? - Oh, and come here.
- Oh, me too? I don't know what it is, but I get so emotional around the holidays.
Oh, god.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Dunphy? Is that you? Haley? Andy, wh-- uh, what are you doing here? Setting up for an open house tomorrow.
What are you d-- - Splish, splash, who was taking a bath?! - Me.
I snuck over last night, but the faucet leaked, and I guess I was so mellowed out I forgot to drain the tub.
That's pretty darn mellowed out.
Were you burning incense? - Uh, yep.
Sure was.
‭- Okay.
Well, I'll lay some towels down.
You drain the tub.
Is it stuck? No, I'm checking my makeup in the reflection.
Yes, it's stuck.
Let me help.
No, no.
I can get it.
- Here.
‭- Okay.
- Unh! ‭- Aah! Oh! Oh, my god.
Relax, I'm okay.
Isn't this the tub from the Lil Wayne video? - Huh.
‭- Huh! I put our clothes in the dryer.
I made an executive decision -- went with the Irish Mountain dryer sheets.
What does an Irish Mountain smell like? We'll find out in 30, 35 minutes.
Hey, uh, don't tell my dad I was here, okay? I suppose I could do you that wee favor.
Do me a second favor Yeah, I don't love it, either.
Hey, why were you taking a bath over here, anyway? Oh, I just wanted a few hours to myself.
You know, I live in my parents' basement, I broke up with Dylan, I was depressed about how much I ate at Thanksgiving You broke up with Dylan, huh? Yeah.
‭Actually, it was the day that we saw you and Beth at that movie.
You guys seemed so great together I guess I just thought, "I want that.
" I am pretty lucky.
But for what it's worth, Beth and I are not perfect.
Things come up when you plan a wedding.
Really? There's such a thing as Mormon drama? There was ‭when Beth's uncle found out we're serving coffee at the reception.
‭ Plus, she doesn't want me to have a bachelor party.
At all? It is one night ‭before the rest of your life.
- You should do it up.
- That's what I said.
Well, to my mirror, but you're right.
I deserve one adventure before I settle down.
Oh! Look what you did.
Well, yeah, I mean, ‭you got to do something fun.
Um maybe you try and fix it.
It should be simple enough.
O Kay I did not mean to do that.
Um, maybe try this one? Huh.
Maybe we shouldn't touch any more buttons.
Uh what were we talking about? Having an adventure.
Oh, god, is that my dad? 'Tis a fine kettle of fish we're in! Get in the laundry room! And sad news from the zoo, Chuffa the panda has suffered a m-- Stop touching stuff! Well, you're not shy with those hugs today, are you? ‭I don't know what it is, but I get so emotional around the holidays.
- Aww.
- Oh, I get it.
I really do.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- Aww.
‭- Gloria.
So, this year, we're surprising the family with a trip to Miami.
The travel company needs everybody's driver's license to book the flight.
That's where "sticky fingers" here comes in handy.
Everybody has a bad cousin that teaches you a few things.
Like how to smoke, how to pick-pocket, how to hot-wire a car, how to put tacks on your shoe when you want to throw off a-a lie-detector test.
Which cousin was this? I am the cousin.
Phil, honey, ‭remember those gutter covers that we ordered like a year ago? Good news.
They shipped! Wow.
That's exciting.
Please kill me if I ever find gutter covers exciting.
I know.
That marriage is staler than a box of cupcakes at a supermodel retreat.
Oh, ay, Phil! - Thank you again for coming! ‭- Oh! It was our pleasure.
You're always so generous to have us! Ay, I'm sorry.
I didn't wanted to tickle you.
It's just that I love how this fabric feel.
- Oh ‭- What is the name of this material? Uh jeans.
Oh, and they feel so tight, huh? Oh, a little holiday trick.
Keeps me from ‭ eating too much.
- I think you're too tense.
‭- Oh What the hell is going -- - Hey, hon.
‭- Yeah? - Hi.
- We didn't get much of a chance to talk today.
Um how are you? Not great.
But, honestly, I don't want to bore you.
Oh, well, at least start the story.
Um, well, I got back from Portland, and Phil was in the bathtub with all the ducks, and I just completely lost it.
- And, yes, I've apologized - Oh, boy! but he's really not letting go of it this time.
- I-- ‭- You know what? - You're so strong! Work's taking up a lot of your time, isn't it? You're taking his side on this? I've been you on this.
When I was bogged down with work, your mother and I fought all the time.
I mean, maybe not about ducks.
I'm not a weirdo.
But maybe he's mad at you because you're not around.
But I only took like two trips.
Just 'cause you're around doesn't mean you're around.
That's one of those loopy things mom would say.
I used to pretend that I didn't understand it, too, but I did.
Why not just make some time for each other? Maybe you're right.
Oh Maybe I'll take him for a weekend up North, huh? - What do you think? ‭- Sure.
- Yeah.
‭- Or leave him.
You're still attractive.
Worked great for me.
I am still in shock about the deal we got on those ice-cube trays.
I know.
It's like we pulled off the great tray robbery.
You know, it says we're supposed to throw them in the dishwasher, but I'm just gonna give them a rinse.
Oh, you are so bad! You know, since we got all of our errands done early and we do have a little extra time on our hands - And Lily's at a sleepover.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh! Just -- - Right there.
A little to the right.
Right there.
Right -- yeah.
Now turn.
- Whew! ‭- Oh! I have been wanting to flip that mattress for months.
I know.
It feels good to get stuff done.
- Yeah, it does! ‭- Yes! Aaah.
So, other than Lily, we have no real reason to be alive, right? ‭ Oh, god, is that my dad? Get in the laundry room! And sad news from the zoo, Chuffa the panda has suffered a m-- Stop touching stuff! Huh? ‭ Are you sure we should be doing this? Mitchell, we just high-fived over flipping a mattress.
That's way sadder than Phil and Claire's gutter covers.
Plus, Cyril won't care.
It's not like he hasn't had his fun in our place.
- What? When? - At your birthday party? He and Gregory were in the bathroom for like an hour.
- Oh, no.
That's 'cause Gregory lost a contact lens.
- Okay, you're adorable.
All right, now, I'm gonna go make some cocktails, - and then when that sun goes down ‭- Mm-hmm.
you and I can get cozy in the hot tub, okay? - Ohh, I like the sound of that.
- ‭ I'm gonna put on some mood music, huh? Hey, Cam, don't they have a remote - that controls everything? - Yeah, I think so.
You know where he keeps that? Well, ours is always getting buried in the couch.
Oh, here it is.
Ooh, I like this song.
Would you like a show to go with it? - Mitchell! ‭- Who's Mitchell? I'm Magic Mitch.
Welder by day stripper by choice.
My unwed sister is seven months pregnant.
My mother has some uterine issues not covered by medicare.
But if you want to make it rain, I will -- - Mitchell! Sweetie, are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
How's the lamp? Is it okay? Does it work? - It's fine.
See? ‭- Okay.
All right, now, come on.
Let's get back on track.
- Yes.
‭- I'll go get the cocktails.
You make yourself comfortable.
- I sure will.
- ‭ Wow.
Maybe something a little more lively? - Uh-huh.
- It's not "Adam and Steve," damn it.
Corpses as far as the eye can see.
What you don't know about your ice-cube tray could kill you.
Maybe the first station.
Oh, what's happening? - Oh! ‭- Oh! Ooh! Geez.
Don't worry about Claire.
You've got me all afternoon.
Honey, remember those gutter covers that we ordered like a year ago? Good news.
They shipped! Wow.
That's exciting.
Claire's been working a lot lately, and it's been great.
It's given me a lot more time for "Battle Beasts of Gar," this massive online role-playing game.
And with Cyril's state-of-the-art gaming system, I've been able to take my half-dwarf, half-ox fire mage -- Pyrominiyak -- to a whole new level.
Level three! Our guild, Thugsquad, has been trying to plan a raid against our arch-rival guild, led by the ruthless Sexybeast, and I got a text saying it was finally happening.
That is, if I could get Claire to be okay with me disappearing for a few hours.
- Phil, honey, I want to apologize.
- For what? - You haven't -- - Been around at all.
I know.
I know, and I want to make it up to you.
It was very hurtful.
It's just sometimes I get so caught up in work that even when I am around, I'm not around.
So well put.
I don't want to beat you up about that.
It's healing time now.
You know, what I'd love is a few hours at Cyril's house this afternoon.
With me? Actually I was thinking about that role-playing thing I'm into? Phil and I have, on occasion, adopted various alter-egos to spice up our marriage.
Cyril's house does sound kind of perfect for some romance.
And I like that Phil wants to move past this, so Did you have ‭a particular genre in mind for this afternoon's game? Yes.
Medieval fantasy.
- Thank you.
‭- Mm.
Oh, Sexybeast, ‭you are gonna get so spanked.
No, say "fridger-frater.
" But it's refrigerator.
I need you to focus, kid.
Fridger-frater -- ‭where we keep the sammiches.
People seem delighted by Joe.
But I had that fetching study partner coming over, and I realized I could use Joe's by-the-numbers cuteness to my amorous advantage.
Even for me, that was a lot of Manny.
But it's sandwich.
It's like you're not even trying.
Okay, that's probably her.
L-look, just be cute, okay? For my sake.
It's like when guys use puppies to attract girls.
- Hi, Manny.
- Uh, Olive.
Please come in.
That's my little brother, Joe.
Don't mind his little pot there.
Hey, what do you have in there again? Some kind of pasta dish? Woof, woof! Aww! Are you a doggie? Yeah, he's always doing adorable stuff like that 'cause I'm his hero.
I love that.
Are you a good doggie or a bad doggie? Grrr! Oh, scary! - Adorable.
‭- I know.
Uh, so should we head up? Oh, my god! - Get it off me! - Uh no! Joe! Joe! Joe, let go! - What are you doing? - He's biting me! - Do something! ‭- Uh - Grr! ‭- No! Bad Joe! - Bad Joe! - Ow! That's just making him bite me harder! A person is not a sammich, Joe! Joe, what are you doing?! Joe, let go! Did you know Phil was gonna be here? No.
I-I wear a t-shirt in the pool.
Do you think I want him to see me in the middle of this? Go.
Well, we only have one six-pack so, in a way, ‭it's good all the girls said no.
- Aah! ‭- What are you doing here? Oh, um, my S.
prep group needed a quiet place to study.
You ain't studying acting.
We don't have time for this.
- Your father -- - Everybody freeze! Tae Kwon Joe! Eyes on those blood bats! Let's burn 'em down fast! Come on, Madskillz87! You're supposed to be on spell interrupt! Do not let those casters get off any more frost traps! Lisa, looks like it's you and me on the lava demon.
Hang tight! Powder! Let's send them back to hell in time for Madskillz to make it to his oboe lesson! - And I thought my dad was embarrassing.
- Shut up.
Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
Hello? Is anybody here? - Drop it! - Oh! Ohh, gettin' right to it.
I like it.
Please, sir, have pity.
'Tis true I'm just a common thief, but if you have mercy, - I'll make it worth your while -- ‭- Oh, yes.
Ohhh-ho! What medieval creature is this? Half-man, half-robot welder? If you come out now, you simpering coward, maybe I'll show you a little mercy.
Please don't hurt me! It was her idea! I'm the one who wanted to go slow! ‭ - Reuben? - Oh, Alex! - Claire? - ‭Reuben again? He wore a Batman cape to the first day of high school! You're really judging me right now when you look like a hooker at Comic-Con? Yes, this was a miscalculation on my part, - and I will be getting my coat ‭- Claire, - what is going on? - and getting out of here as soon as I - Luke? Is that beer behind your back? Get out here! You are so grounded! Mrs.
Dunphy, do you ever tutor? - Dude! - Ugh.
I'm just gonna grab my razor scooter and bounce.
- Happy birth-- - Happy birth-- No, you know it's no one's birthday.
You're probably here for the same reason as those two.
Well, technically, this is your fault, because we were afraid our marriage was getting as boring as yours.
Though based on her outfit, we need to work a little harder.
You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
I'm the only one authorized to be here.
By sneaking in, you've disrespected me, and violated the trust between me, my clients, and this sexy, sexy house.
No! Great.
Now Lisa's dead.
I want everybody out of here right now! - Well, at least we have our house to ourselves still.
- Mm.
- Does Magic Mitch have another set him in? - Yeah.
His grandma's built-up shoe isn't gonna pay for itself.
- Okay, we need to work on your sexy patter.
- Unh! Off the lamp.
Off the lamp.
Okay, before you get any stupid ideas, Reuben and I broke in here so I could help him with his math.
Good luck getting through to that guy.
He's clueless.
‭ - Honey.
‭- Yes? Um I'm sorry.
That -- that little outburst was mainly directed at them.
Whatever misunderstanding led to this, I'm happy about.
Oh! Oh! ‭I thought you were upset because we hadn't spent any time together.
And then you said you wanted some role-playing fun Ohhh.
Really? Honey, I know you've been working really hard lately, and I-I appreciate any time I can get with you.
- So you're not mad at me? - Silence, Elvin Harlot.
Ohh, sorry, my lord.
Didn't mean to offend.
But you have, craven wench.
And I shall mete out punishment as -- I can hear you guys giggling.
At least I have a girlfriend! All clear.
Well, that was crazy.
My ticker hasn't gotten a workout that good since I made the finals of that cup-stacking competition.
Hey, should I take these robes upstairs? I'm gonna pop mine in the washer.
I've got about three pounds of tension sweat in here.
Hey I, uh I feel kind of bad about before.
We didn't do anything.
I know.
It just felt like something could've - If everybody hadn't ‭- Yeah.
You know what it is.
- It's the house.
- It's the house! I mean, the fireplace, the music The crazy couch-bed.
Anyone could've gotten swept up.
- Anyone.
‭- Anyone.
- Heh.
‭- Anyone.
Well, I should get going.
I mean, ‭it was a fun afternoon, though.
I wanted one crazy adventure before I got married, and I got one.
It was fun.
I'll see you later.
What's Joe doing in Stella's cage? He knows what he did.
Go on, boy! Get! Jay! So, I was thinking, since Miami's only ‭a few hours away from Colombia, why don't we have my relatives fly to Miami so that the whole family can be together? Gloria, I love your family.
I do.
- But -- ‭- This is so typical.
We do everything for your family, but when it comes to my side of the family, then -- - We're not going to Miami.
- What? I bought everybody ‭plane tickets to Colombia.
Ay, Jay! That's not what you were supposed to do! I think you mean "you shouldn't have," - and you're probably right.
‭- No! I mean you shouldn't have been nice about this at all! You were supposed to say, "why can't we see your family some other time?" And I would say, "like when?" And then you would say, "is never an option?" And I would say, "that's so mean, Jay Pritchett!" And then you would say, "is there a way that I can make it up to you, Gloria?" And then I would say, "how about if" If what? Oh, no.
- Hola! - Hola! Hola! Yeah.
Come in, come in.
Does this feel like a short visit to you or a long one? The pregnant one brought a stroller.