Modern Family s07e11 Episode Script

Spread Your Wings

Well, how do I look? Big day.
I'm going to see Alex.
I'm, uh I'm a little nervous because she's been pulling away lately.
Calls don't get returned.
I don't get asked to visit as much.
Maybe it's hitting me hard 'cause I never went through that with my dad.
After my junior year, we we rode a tandem bike across Mykonos.
Come to think of it, there were lots of fathers and sons there.
Phil, sit.
We need to talk about the ducks.
We hate the ducks.
Again? You have a problem.
I'm hearing a lot of negatives, but we're overlooking the fact that Feathers can now fetch.
Honey, she pulled a wet hot dog bun out of the sink, and you said, "get the bun.
" That doesn't count as fetching.
Please tell me they're not gonna live here forever.
You're really not the one to make that argument.
Oh, like you're not gonna die of natural causes in that bunk bed upstairs.
Look, we have provided them with a good home.
When they're ready, they'll leave.
Could be any day.
Oh, and in the duck's defense, Claire, you can't stick your leg out of your robe at breakfast and then pretend to hate the attention.
Um Why didn't you fight harder about the ducks? You heard what he said.
The ducks could leave any day now.
Yeah, or it could be two months from now.
Or any day now.
Or a month and a half fr How are you not getting this? Mitch called.
He wants to know when are you bringing the air mattress for Lily's sleepover.
You know, for a guy who refuses to buy his own air mattresses, he's pretty particular about when they arrive.
No, no! Don't eat my sauce.
Then I won't have enough to sell at the farmers' market.
- No.
‭- Oh, geez.
Not the fat finger.
You always do this when I put on a few.
I didn't say anything.
It's not what you say.
It's that damn lard dipstick finger of yours.
It disappeared up to the second knuckle.
Well, now that that's over with, I can finally share my latest football-related problem.
Mitchell's right.
I should probably get a move on.
The team left me out of the end-of-the-season prank.
You know, that takes me back.
We told the school board that Coach Davis was a communist.
The man spent a weekend in jail.
Simpler times.
Well, that's better than what these meatheads cooked up.
They just parked the principal's car in the middle of the basketball court.
That's not where cars go.
Why didn't those meatballs include you? They think I'm a goody-two-shoes.
I'm not.
- Mm.
- My own mother? Ay, I'm just saying it wouldn't kill you to break some rules.
You're a minor.
Take advantage of it.
I break the rules.
I just prefer to be suave, do it with panache and finesse.
Ay, those are American shampoos.
I know.
Y'all ready for this? I got our sauce into the granddaddy of all holiday gift baskets.
Which one? It's called Granddaddy's Holiday Gift Baskets.
Very exclusive.
They want 150 jars Yay! by 6:00 tonight.
No! It's too much sauce for too little time.
And anyways, I don't have the key ingredient the blood peppers.
And my cousin can't send me more from Colombia until next week.
One spicy step ahead of you.
Enter the Serrano pepper! Chi-caw! No one will know the difference.
I will.
This sauce is part of my heritage.
I cannot turn my back on who I am.
Didn't your hair used to be darker? I'm just saying this is a great opportunity for our sauce.
"Our sauce"? All of a sudden, Cam is calling it "our sauce"? I got that recipe from my great aunt who got it from her mother who stole it from a blind maid.
How dare he.
We'll just go get some blood peppers.
They're impossible to get.
Unless you're willing to break some rules.
Why are we back on your thing again? They just so happen to grow blood peppers at the botanical gardens.
Let's go.
You're adorable.
We're talking rare flora in a secure location.
Okay, so, then what do we do? First, apologize for calling me a goody-goody, because I'm about to lay out a plan so daring that the two of you may not have the guts to follow it.
Should I take my knife? I have my baseball bat in my car.
Okay, we’re stealing a pepper, not teaching its family a lesson.
Uh, okay.
I noticed a few of your professors in those ‭mouth-controlled wheelchairs.
I think some of them are just faking it to try and look cool.
Domo arigato, Mr.
Robotics Lab! What?! Yeah.
Come check out these gloves.
They're awesome.
Any movement, even the slightest motion, will be mirrored by the robotic hands.
Possible applications are bomb defusement, nuclear reactor repair, and remote neurosurgery.
What has two thumbs and any lady robot he wants? This guy.
Dad, this isn't a toy.
Hello, my loyal robot subjects.
Dad? Jazz hands! The other robots are staring! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
So, what's going on at home? Well, Haley and Luke aren't around much.
Meanwhile, the ducks are awesome and nobody gets it.
You wouldn't believe this, but one of them can fetch.
Of course I believe it.
One of my professors taught a chimpanzee how to play the saxophone.
We all think he's great, but he only plays jazz, so there's no way to tell.
Tell me about these fellas.
Well, this one's being developed for the military.
- Really? Wow.
‭- Mm-hmm.
What about this adorable guy? Hello, Switch.
Oh, no! Dad, don't press that.
Oh, he's just going for a little walk.
Why would you do that?! The master switch! The what? No, no, no! Oh, my god.
It's happening! They're rising up! Turn off! I command you to turn off! It's not working! I'm on your side! Why would you do that?! I don't know what I was thinking! I'm so sorry.
Now the captain of the football team hates me.
Okay, follow my plan to the letter, and in 10 minutes, we’ll have peppers in hand.
It's Saturday.
William will be working the rose garden.
Fortunately, he'll be distracted.
Right now, the aphids have the upper hand.
Cam, when you reach the stream, follow it south southeast to the hummingbird exhibit.
Interact with no one.
Excuse me.
Could you take this for us? Oh, guess I have a second.
Took a picture of myself.
Oh, and now it’s your wallpaper.
Uh Mom, to avoid detection, take a circuitous route to the Edmund and Miriam Rabinowitz pepper patch.
Hey! Take me to the blood peppers.
I'll re-route the senior citizens' tour You've already been this way.
You loved it.
so they're not around when you arrive at the peppers.
Go away, boy.
Be on alert.
There may be added security.
How exhilarating.
I didn't know there was a caper in our sauce.
How could you? It's not your recipe.
Hey, girls.
How about a snack? I'm hosting a sleepover for Lily's Vietnamese dance troupe.
We want her to be more in touch with her heritage, but breaking the ice with the other parents has been a little tough.
Cam and I are the only white parents, the only gay parents, the only parents that find us funny.
Come on in, Patricia, Ms.
The girls are in Lily's room.
Oh, this is a fun coincidence.
We actually had a couple trans over for dinner last ni The hardest nut to crack has been little Patricia Tran's mother.
I didn't try her homemade pho at a potluck once, and now she doesn't like me.
You could say it was a little bit of a pho pa.
- Your husband? - My dad.
And I prefer brunettes, without beards.
I like women.
I'll bring Patricia's medicine over later.
My purse.
She seems nice.
Hey, grandpa! Hi, sweetheart! Little tip you might want the girls to blow up these air mattresses, tire them out a little bit.
Oh, I'm not trying to tire them out.
I'm the fun dad, okay? I want them to have a good time.
That's a rookie mistake.
When you are Claire were kids, I was the sleepover champ, undefeated.
There was never a kid that was awake later than 7:30.
Oh, no.
I remember my 10th birthday.
You let us wash your car, and then we carried the grandfather clock to the dump.
Yeah, sun exposure plays a big part.
What's this stuff? Uh, mom, uh, mailed me a bunch of stuff from her garage.
She thought I might like a VCR and a bunch of old tapes.
Sweet of Dede to mail you her garbage.
"Jane Fonda complete workouts," "It's not you, it's him," "Cooking with chocolate.
" Pretty much the arc of our whole marriage.
Listen, if you're smart, you'll let the girls walk this stuff down to goodwill.
Or I could provide a fun, entertaining evening that will only enrich my daughter's childhood.
Daddy, will you judge our screaming contest? Of course he will! Hit it, girls! Okay! You won.
You all won.
It's a tie.
Oh, honey, I am so sorry about what happened in there.
Don't worry about me, but, you know, those robots are programmed to hold a grudge.
Not how I wanted this to go.
Probably gonna be a while before I get invited back here, huh? Dad, it's okay.
You're probably going to be seeing me a lot more, considering I want to move back home and commute to school next semester.
Really? Yeah.
It's only a half-hour drive.
Are you mad? Mad? Are you kidding me? I'm thrilled.
You know how much I miss you.
We could have our own robot lab in the garage.
How much could that possibly cost? Well But, uh but why? Did something happen? No, it's just Ugh, the people here are all so immature.
They are always banging on your door with a beaker full of margaritas, and The nerd noise is deafening.
Did you bring those noise-canceling headphones I asked mom for? Oh, I am so sorry.
I forgot.
Sometimes my brain cancels out your mom's noise.
I'll, uh I'll pick some up while you're in class and then drop them by the dorm.
Excuse me.
Cannon ball tonight.
Don't miss it.
Oh, no, no.
What's that about? Oh, it's just some stupid tradition where, at the end of the semester, all the freshmen jump off a high dive in cheesy prom dresses.
Oh, that could be fun.
It definitely won't be.
Well, maybe if you give it a chance No.
You know what, dad? I-I-I did.
I've I've already been to like 10 parties, and they're all lame.
Everyone just talks to their own dorm mate.
Sweetie, sometimes it takes a while to warm up to people.
What is this about? Do you not want me to come home? Is that what this is? Because, fine, I'll just go get an apartment off campus.
Alex, don't get mad.
Well, I am mad.
Because I'm actually smart enough to know what's working for me and what isn't, and this isn't.
I have to go to class.
Heads up! Watch out! How'd he do that? Mitchell? In the kitchen, grandpa! Vietnamese girls and a man in makeup.
When does Bob Hope take the stage? Delightful.
You're good to go on the air mattresses.
Good luck with the sleepover.
Yes, ma'am? I don't want to be the fun dad anymore.
I need to knock these girls out quick.
Teach me.
Let's go, ladies! Reach to the sky! How are you better at this than Jane Fonda? Mitchell, you can't talk and feel the burn at the same time.
Donkey-kick like you mean it, Jennifer.
I'm just curious, because this tape was on its way to goodwill, and all of a sudden, you pulled it out of your back pocket.
I put on a couple of extra pounds, and Jane got me out of a similar situation in the '80s.
Please tell me you were wearing leg warmers.
Leave me alone.
We got this, girls.
March it out.
Well, for whatever it's worth, dad, I didn't notice.
Gloria did.
She did that little poke thing to my spare tire.
Lily, keep the beat.
I hate to admit it, but it bugged the hell out of me.
Kim-ly, we're punching and we're stepping.
Care to join us? So, I figured I'd do this workout every damn day of the week until I was nothing but abs, buns, and thighs.
Work your glutes, Tiffany! This is your problem area.
Okay, dad, no offense, but I've been listening to you whine about gaining and losing the same 10 pounds since, at age 60, you married the most beautiful woman in the world.
And while I appreciate what might be the rich-white-mannest of rich-white-man problems, this tape is only energizing these little girls.
This is boring.
Let's go and build a fort in my room.
So, what? You're just gonna give up? - You got to know when to surrender.
- No, sir.
I'm not losing to the Vietnamese twice in a lifetime.
Get up.
- No man left behind.
‭- Okay.
Look at this golf course.
It's a beautiful home for ducks.
Okay, now, who's gonna help me set these little suckers free, huh? - You do it.
‭- I'm good.
Oh, come on.
We all hate the ducks.
We all want them gone.
Why do I have to be the bad guy? I don't know.
Why am I the pretty one? We all have our thing.
I'll do it.
Get on out there.
There you go.
You're free.
Why aren't they going anywhere? Well, miss thing over there is still getting herself ready.
I swear she spent all morning looking at her reflection in the water bowl.
How about that weirdo? Did you see when he got his bill stuck in his cage yesterday? What a sweet little dope.
I know.
He's lucky his sister is so smart.
You know, she figured out how to unlatch the cage and set him free.
Oh, my god.
Do you guys see what's happening? No.
Of course you don't.
The reason why your dad is so attached to these ducks is they remind him of you guys.
We got to get them home.
They're gone.
Oh, my god.
Where are they? Oh, god.
What the hell? Does everyone get rid of their ducks here? Can't we just pick any three? Mnh-mnh.
Your father will know immediately.
I think that might be the dumb Luke duck.
The one entertaining the others? His head is caught in the Fritos bag.
- Hey.
Isn't that your duck? - Where? The one pushing oats around with its beak, pretending to eat.
All right.
That's it.
Go get your ducks.
What? No.
It is filthy and filmy.
And that's before Luke even gets in it.
What's the point in getting two ducks if we don't have the third one? And how are we supposed to find the Alex duck? Wait until New Year's Eve and see which one stays home? No.
You're right.
We are not going home without all three ducks.
Hang on.
Let's see if your dad was right.
No way.
Don't just stand there.
Get your ducks.
I just spent a week's salary on these shoes.
I'm not oh, look at those big brown eyes.
They take up half her face! I'm coming, Princess! Aah! Pardon me.
Have fun.
What's the most dangerous type of uranium cake? Yellow! Hey.
What's going on? Um, I found this inhaler.
Do you know whose it is? There's only six people here who don't use those.
They throw them in the air at graduation.
All right.
Hey, did you bring those headphones? Yeah.
Right here.
Hey, honey.
I'm sorry about earlier.
I think maybe being on a college campus took me back, and some of my own first-year insecurities bubbled up.
I didn't know anybody, and no matter how hard I tried, I was always on the outside.
And then suddenly, one day, something clicked and I was in.
I mean, you never know.
I mean, just because that happened to you, - Doesn't mean that's - No, no, no, no, no.
That's that's my point.
My story isn't your story.
As intimidating as this place may be, I've never seen you walk away from a challenge.
If you tell me you've given it your best shot, then I know you have.
So don't be mad at me, okay? I'm not mad.
All right, kiddo.
Your mom and I will be back next week to pack you up.
I love you.
I love you, too.
- Bye.
‭- Bye.
Granddaddy's truck's gonna be here in 84 minutes.
So, we're tightening, we're stirring, we're chopping.
Bottle it up! I can't.
I'm just too excited.
Oh, oh, you mean the sauce in the -- got it.
Cam - What is this? ‭- Oh, my gosh.
You weren't supposed to see these yet.
This is just a potential label idea that I-I had mocked up.
So But I am not even on it.
No, you are.
Yes, you are.
See? You're the silhouette right here by the nutritional facts.
That way, people are looking at you and not the toxic amount of sodium.
I have others, too.
You know, I have one of us on a pepper rocket on our way to Flavor City.
You're in front of me, and it's cute.
You know what? I don't think this partnership is working.
- What are you saying? - What am I saying? This is my family's sauce, and you have already tried to change the recipe, you took a huge order without even asking me And now this? If I am going to Flavor City, I am going by myself.
You're breaking up with me? When I first started dating Cam, his ex-boyfriend gave me a heads up.
He said, "Cam's a great guy, but I hope you never have to break up with him.
" And I said, "why? Does he get angry, weepy, jealous, despondent?" He said, "yes.
" You're breaking up with me? This business was my idea.
I got you into the farmers' market.
I got you into those baskets.
You were nothing but a housewife when I found you.
I didn't mean that.
I've always admired you.
Being a housewife is the hardest job on the planet.
You're never not at work.
It's just How did we get to this place? Unless There's someone else, isn't there? Oh, how could I be so blind? Let me guess somebody with more experience? Somebody Colombian? Well, you’re no picnic, either.
So, who is it? Hmm? Say something! I've seen my mom break up with a lot of guys.
She has this weird power to get them to do all the work.
One minute, they're a mess.
The next, they're thanking her for the best year of their lives.
The last guy helped us move into Jay's house.
You knew.
You knew I needed the motivation to create my own sauce.
You knew all along.
You're welcome, Cam.
And don't worry.
I know that one day, you're gonna have your sauce in Granddaddy's Basket.
Well, that paints a picture.
Now, see, there's lots of stuff here to tire the kids out.
Look bricks for carrying, shovels for digging.
When did we get shovels? Okay, well, whatever you're doing, can you do it someplace else? I'm helping Gloria bottle her sauce, and we're running out of time.
Ay, Cam.
I think it's too late.
I don't think we have enough time to finish.
You might.
Oh, Ms.
Is that Patricia's medicine? Pick up the pace, ladies! Come on! We've only got Trust me.
This is slightly better than it looks.
My fingers hurt.
Hey, honey, what did I say about talking on the line? Okay.
Let's just get these ducks back into the garage as fast as we can, and please be quiet.
- I don't want your father to hear us.
- Hello.
Oh, uh I got home early and noticed the six of you had ducked out.
Well, we know how much you love the ducks, and and we wanted to play with them, too.
- And we - And what, Claire? The craziest thing happened? You turned a hard corner, the cage banged open, one of them hit the sunroof button, and out they flew, leaving us with nothing but an empty I interrupted you.
Go on.
We have not always loved the ducks, Phil, but I think we're starting to get it.
We want them to stay.
We know why you love them.
Thank you.
I always knew it was only a matter of time before these little scamps waddled into your hearts just like they did mine.
Now, come on.
Help me throw them out the window.
Dad, what are you doing? It is time for them to go.
But, honey, are you sure they can even fly? According to the Internet, they were ready a month ago.
At breakfast, you were giving them shoulder rubs.
What happened? I realized today that I may have been holding them back because that was fun for me.
But in the end, you got to let them spread their wings, right? - Whoo! Let's go! - All right, Alex! All right, guys.
Let's do this.
One, two Come visit us! Make good choices! In many ways, you fetched me! You caught me.
I know they're not coming back.
Mm, sometimes they do.
Hello? Hey, Alex.
What's going on, sweetheart? Yeah? "Once the lower spring hinge is secured, you can then attach the closet door.
" They're all sleeping, Mitch.
Not bad.
Room for improvement.
Well, it looks like I'm still undefeated.