Modern Family s08e03 Episode Script


I'm so glad you like the house! Hey, so a few things -- One, all the appliances are included, two, the previous residents were murdered there, and three, it just passed mold inspection.
So, when should we -- Uh-huh.
I get it.
Well, we'll -- we'll just keep looking.
Although it does give the house character.
If those walls could talk.
I agree.
It's not funny.
It's okay, honey.
You're gonna sell that murder house.
"Ahh, Get this blood off me!" What? Wh-- Off who? [Marker scribbles] The Walls? You mean Barb and Thad Wall? Are they in trouble? - Morning.
- Oh, would you like some coffee? God, no.
I've been up all night.
I got to get to bed.
Hey, can you guys not use, like, the blender or vacuum or anything? I just need five hours.
So, I guess we've stopped looking for a new job? Actually, we have.
Your daughter has gone into business for herself.
What kind of business? I put a group of girls together, and we promote clubs and stuff via social media.
That doesn't sound like a real job.
Your last job barely sounded like a real job.
We made $500 last night for promoting a hookah bar.
I remember when you were a little girl.
You told me you wanted your job to be "princess.
" I would kill for those days.
"Is that why you're dressed like a hookah?" Honey, you're not making sense again.
Do you need to lie down? Mom, I knew you would be like this.
Dad, you understand what I'm doing, right? Of course.
Power of social media.
I'm on "Team Gets It.
" Can you guys just give me a chance to get this thing off the ground? Yes.
We can.
I always keep an open mind.
You take this one.
My plate's full.
I've got a meeting at school today to discuss Luke's college options.
[Chuckles] Should be a short meeting.
Man: Throw it, baby! Throw it! [Whistle blow] Yes! Dwight, that's the way you read the reverse.
Gentlemen, circle up! We are 3-0, but if we're gonna go all the way, we all need to be as mentally and physically tough as Dwight.
- Coach? - Yes? You know my dad's in the service? Uh-huh.
He's being restationed to Florida.
What? Today's my last day.
[Voice breaking] Okay, uh everybody get some water.
- Coach, you okay? - Mm-hmm.
Welcome, welcome! - Hello! - Shall we start? Shouldn't we wait for Luke's guidance counselor? Mrs.
Marks is going through a terrible divorce.
She's very fragile right now.
So I'm trying to keep the more challenging cases away from her.
None taken.
I have been perusing your transcript.
- [Chuckles] - And, uh, apropos of nothing -- You know, not every kid is destined for college.
But Luke is, right? Okay, I'll play along.
The reality is that Luke's grades and test scores are what we educators call suboptimal.
Is that good? See what I'm talking about? So, we're gonna have to really juice the extracurriculars, okay? Is there anything he's, uh, passionate about? I love chicken pot pie.
Remember when I said I would do most of the talking? Principal Brown! Leslie Kwan Collins from The Daily Dolphin.
I know who you are, Leslie.
Must we do this dance every single time? Would you like to issue a statement about Eric Thompson's abrupt resignation as Student Council President? Sure.
Here's my statement -- Pbht! My sources say that he was caught selling school saxophones on Craigslist.
Well, guess you could say you had a "sax" scandal, then.
A sax scandal -- I'm running with that.
Oh, thanks a lot for that.
Very helpful.
So, where did we land? We're putting Luke on Adderall or taking him off? I forget.
We weren't discussing Adderall.
Although, Adderall has helped a lot of kids.
Hey, we need a new president.
Why don't I just do that? Maybe it'll be cool.
- [Sighs] - I do like bossing people around.
That's called leadership.
Wow, look at you.
I think I'm maturing.
Luke, this is a lot of work.
Are you sure you're up for it? Mom, it's all I've ever wanted since I heard about it a minute ago.
Well, I think you should go for it.
I can't think of a single reason why not.
All right, girls.
So, I have a couple notes about last night.
Arizona, I was looking at your selfies.
- Are your parents mallards? - What? What's with all the duckface? You look like you're at a bachelorette party in Tampa.
And, Katen, did I see you drinking a water at The Red Room? I had to wake up early in the morning.
Oh, yes, because that's what we're promoting -- a club where people make good decisions.
- I'm sorry! - You are so weak.
I can't believe I let you kiss me in front of the Lakers.
Not to sound like a total Katen, but Haley's new job seems whack.
If Haley wants to work in promotion, she should learn from my guy -- Mr.
Merv Schechter.
Among his brilliant innovations -- the indoor blimp that drops coupons at basketball games.
Sadly, it was later weaponized by several terrorist organizations.
Hey, Jay, do you need to julienne any vegetables? - What? - If so, you can use the knife your grandson jammed in my back.
Well, that was worth the journey.
What happened, papi? Luke decided to run against me for Student Council President.
I've devoted my entire life to public service, only to be challenged by a guy who's devoted his entire life to watching skateboard fails on YouTube.
Luke's running for President? I mean, I love him, but -- - Jay is right.
Luke is a dummy.
- Never said that.
He wants a fight, he's got one.
I'm going to hit my step-nephew with so many stinging rejoinders that he'll be crying step-uncle.
Yes! Dynamic wordplay! High-school kids love that! - He's gonna lose.
- He might not.
- Really, you want to roll those dice? - Hmm.
Remember how depressed he got when he lost the last election? [Sighs dramatically] [Baseball game plays on television] [Sighs dramatically] [TV shuts off] [Sighs] Hi, Daddy.
There she is -- our little girl! Mitchell, do you remember back before we had her how we were so worried that an extra person would make the house feel so crowded? Uh no.
I don't remember that at all.
Oh, boy, were we wrong.
- You didn't want me? - This isn't about you, honey.
I think Daddy's ramping up to something.
Anyhoo, there's a football player on the team who needs a place to stay until the end of football -- No.
No, no, no.
- Would you let me finish? - Okay, fine.
Go ahead.
He can't stay here.
Cam, we don't have the room.
He can sleep in the den.
I love the den.
I watch TV in the den.
Besides, where are you gonna sleep tonight after this fight? He can sleep in the apartment upstairs? No.
We need the rent to pay the mortgage.
I'm sorry, Cam.
It's not gonna happen.
Coach, can I come in yet? See, now you've put me in an awkward position.
Why can't he stay with someone else? Because I'm his football coach, and his father trusts me.
[Sighs] Cam, why you always -- - Hey! - Hey! Hi.
Why do you always insist on making these big decisions without discussing it with me first? - I do not.
- You asked that couple we met at the car-rental counter to vacation with us.
[Door opens] It would have been rude not to.
It was our honeymoon.
[Clears throat] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry, your doorknob came off.
- It sure did, big guy! - Again? [Laughing] Okay, that's fine.
I'm already hating this.
I don't want to be critical.
You got to be kidding me.
This is not one of your more loveable traits.
- What isn't? - Always saying "no" to things and then eventually coming around.
[Exhales sharply] Why can't we just skip to the good part? I think you'd have a different attitude about this if I was the one constantly making unilateral decisions.
If it was something important to you, I would support it.
Are you sure about that? 100%, and once you get to know Dwight the way [Thud, glass shatters] I do, you will find that he will enrich -- [Crashing] Okay, Dwight, please stop moving.
[Door opens] Hola, Luke! Hey, guys.
What are you doing in my room? Just wanted to see my favorite grandson.
You guys been drinking? No more than usual.
[Chuckles] I heard a rumor that you're running for Student Council President.
I'm working on my speech right now.
I know I wouldn't want any part of that nonsense.
Me either -- not very sexy.
It takes so much time and then you wouldn't even have a chance to ride your mini-bike.
I don't have a mini-bike.
But if you play ball [Knock on door] Hey, Luke, I need you to take the -- What are you guys doing in here? They're trying to bribe me not to run for president.
What? Manny has been working all his life to be president, and now Luke just salsas in and tries to take it away from him.
It's not fair.
Look, this means a lot to Luke, too.
It's given him a whole new sense of purpose.
I've heard enough, and I've made my decision.
Manny will be president this term, and we'll run Luke next year.
I'm graduating.
That's the spirit! I don't like to play this card, but I am the patriarch, and I have spoken.
Not much of a card, Dad, 'cause I don't really care.
So, how about the two of you get going, because Luke has a speech to work on? You want to go up against the Pritchett political machine? So be it.
- Bye, Grandpa! - Bye, kiddo! All right, Luke, we need to talk.
Grandpa is coming for you, and he has run successful political campaigns before.
He got Mitchell elected class president before it was cool to be gay.
I've got this, Mom.
I'm running on a gun platform.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about my guns.
All right, let's look at the speech.
- I think it's pretty good.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm opening with a joke about how Principal Brown's kids look like the mailman.
And select all, delete.
[Keyboard key clicks] Hey! I got to be me.
No, you got to be less you.
If you want this, you got to out-Manny Manny.
Oh! Where's that suit I got you for Alex's graduation? That was a year ago.
I can't fit into that anymore, because of my gu-- I know, I got it.
This was full.
You're just gonna be disappointed.
[Exhales sharply] Good morning, everyone.
If you're hungry, I hid some cookies behind the toaster.
I found them.
[Doorbell rings] Oh, I was thinking about what you said yesterday, and you were right.
We should be able to make our own decisions, you know? Ay, all I can say is, thank you again.
Dane Edna, say hi to your foster daddies.
Ronaldo, what's going on? Oh, we're taking care of Dane Edna while Ronaldo takes Pepper to Asia for a medical procedure.
Is everything okay? Oh, don't worry.
Between us, he's getting a monkey chin in Laos.
Oh, so it's a fun month for everyone, huh? Mm, I'm going to miss this beautiful diva.
Her tummy can get a little fussy, so if you're ever wondering what to cook for her, just ask yourself, "What would Patti LuPone eat?" Oh.
Oh, and I'm sorry.
I-I didn't ask you about this, but it's really important to me.
And you said you'd support any decision I made.
I'm not sure what you're doing, because you're being so subtle, but if you think a giant, slobbery dog is what this household needs, then color me gung ho.
Here are her medicines.
The ones wrapped in foil don't go in the mouth.
[Barks] [Snarls] Ah.
Ah, yeah.
I'm so sorry.
We've trained her to take carbs away from us.
I don't get it.
You look amazing.
I love it! Why did you buy this for me? 'Cause I thought you would look great up there when you give your big speech.
I'm running for president, Mom.
I'll wear a suit and tie.
Well, then you'll be dressed for your funeral.
Kid, you got to know your audience.
You don't think I can relate to my peers? Well, this is a fine kettle of fish.
I'm gonna say this as gently as I know how You're going to lose! Well, I wasn't gonna yell it, but at least it's out there.
You think I'm going to lose? But you never think I'm going to lose! Look, you're a great kid.
All we're saying is be a little more Casual Friday, a little Ash Wednesday.
Go up there and be like, "Yo! What's up, ballers?!" [Chuckles] "Mondays off.
Like, pizza and whatever.
" - This is feeling a little weird.
- Trust us.
If you really think it'll help.
Hey, write that pizza-pie thing down while it's fresh.
[Toy squeaking] I hope you don't mind.
I decided it was fine if they played fetch in the house.
Not at all.
I support that decision.
[Barks, toy squeaks] Well, I look forward to what's about to happen.
[Barks] - Okay.
- There we are.
[Toy squeaks] Okay.
- All right.
- Nice.
Okay, Coach.
I'll meet you at the game.
Yes! Who's a winner? - I'm a winner! - Who's a winner?! I'm a winner!! [All barking] Oh, my Hey! [Barks] Okay.
I'm gonna go first.
I was petty and vindictive, and I will find someone else to look after the dog.
Do you have anything to say? Thank you.
I know that couldn't have been easy.
Cam, I swear to God -- Okay, okay.
You're right.
I should have consulted you first.
I'll tell Dwight that he has to move out after the game tonight.
Thank you.
Not that anybody cares, but for lunch, I had a lozenge.
So, uh, how long is this going to take? I just need to reorder some promotional Frisbees, and say a quick hi to Merv, the genius who supplied me with coasters and key chains for over a decade.
He even put my face on a pillow.
That story makes me want to put a pillow over my face.
Can we just get this over with? I have a spray tan at 4:00.
Spray tan! Who needs a spray tan? Someone in winter.
[Chuckles] That's why you put a coupon on a ice scraper.
Boom! Just sent another grandkid to Brandeis.
- He shoots, he scores! - [Chuckles] Can you believe this young man has a grandkid in college? Mm! It's all about lifestyle.
Really, I walk five miles a day, and I've had a tremendous amount of plastic surgery.
Oh! I had a brainstorm on that property of yours that you're trying to unload.
You know, where the people -- Ckkk! Yeah.
- You lean into it.
- Hmm? You -- You call it "Massacre Manor," "Downton Stabby," "Charles Mansion.
" I mean, like, I-I got a million of them.
Actually, I probably -- I have three more.
See? A master.
Merv, meet my daughter Haley.
Nice to meet you.
Your daddy tells me that you have come down with the Madison Avenue flu.
I don't understand anything that's happening here.
I feel the same way when I watch "Empire.
" [Clang, cat meows] Oh! No, you don't! [Groans] Some mangy cat keeps sitting on the roof of my new Rolls.
Merv collects cars.
Not to brag, but I could do a production of "12 Angry Men" starring cars.
[Laughter] No, you don't, Taffy! [Clang] What -- What is he talking about? What's Madison Avenue flu? Oh.
I-I may have mentioned that you had a -- a budding interest in the promotional arts, and, total stroke of luck, Merv's assistant is very, very sick.
[Glass shatters] Wait a minute.
You think my business is in the same universe as Carl's Auto Body toilet seat covers? Carl just opened a third location because of that wizard.
You got two lives left, Taffy! Is this how you want to spend them?! I don't need a job.
I have one.
What happened to "Team Gets It"? Well, I don't gets it.
Just seems like you're hanging out at clubs taking pictures with a bunch of party girls.
- [Scoffs] - I mean, I want to be hip, but none of this makes any sense to me.
I just want what's best for you.
Nice pep talk.
Oh, and thanks for underestimating me.
You know, if you were Orville Redenbacher's dad, we wouldn't have airplanes! [Merv grunts] [Clang, cat meows] Got ya! [Chuckles] I guess they don't always land on their feet.
[Chuckles] And the pass gets picked up! [Crowd cheering] [Whistle blows] - Announcer: Touchdown! - Hey! Wow! That Dwight's something, huh? Yeah! Well, he's fine, you know.
It's -- It's a team sport, so, you know, they probably wouldn't even miss him.
I just want to say - I love what you're doing.
- Well, thank you.
I-I wear this sweater with these trousers a lot.
When you're high-waisted, it is very difficult finding pieces that work together, so Yeah, you look really nice, but what she means is it's great that you're letting Dwight live with you.
You're taking Dwight in? - That doesn't sound like you.
- It's -- It's -- He's making him move out.
That sounds like you.
Claire: Hey, losers.
Thought I'd see you down at the concession stand.
How long were you working on that one? Is that one of the gems that you wrote into Luke's speech? I will have you know that Luke wrote his own speech.
He contributed.
- [Chuckles] - Hmm.
- He was there.
- Mm.
[Cheering, whistle blows in distance] [Exhales sharply] Hey.
What's with the suit? Me? Why are you dressed like Nicki Minaj? My mom and Jay said it made me more relatable.
I feel like an idiot.
Me too.
My mom forced me to wear this so I'd be more like you.
Yeah, because I'd wear a brown belt with black shoes? You know what we should do? Throw out our speeches and speak from the heart.
That's a great idea.
You forgot your speech, didn't you? I plead the second.
Also, uh, you should know, they arrested two of the three perpetrators.
Hey, honey.
What are you doing here? Making a point.
Uh, I-I'm Phil Dunphy.
Feel free to ask any questions.
Sweet neck tattoo.
Don't forget to sign the guest book.
Aren't these your, uh -- your work friends? Yeah.
Hold on a second.
Hey, Arizona! Quack quack.
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
Look, I know you don't think what I'm doing is real, but we just posted about this terrible house through all our accounts on multiple platforms, and there's already a ton of people here, so, uh, you're welcome.
[Indistinct conversations] [Feedback] We don't really need all this stuff, but okay.
All right, everybody.
Before our marching band takes the field with their tribute to the films of Zac Efron, let's hear from our two candidates for Student Council President.
First up is Manny Delgado.
[Light Applause] Actually, we're going to speak together.
Luke and I are here because we each want your votes.
However, certain people want to change us into being something each of us is not.
- They're publicly shaming us.
- We deserve it.
The important thing is you two learned something.
Save it, patriarch.
The point is, we are two individuals with our own unique personalties and ideas.
What he said.
I won.
It was the lowest voter turnout in school history.
They hated the both of us.
But you more.
[Sighs dramatically] [Dance music plays in background] I got to admit, I'm really impressed that you got all these people here, but they, um -- they don't really look like house buyers.
Dad, you have no idea who has money anymore.
You see that girl? She makes six figures playing video games.
And that dude, he invented an app for trashing your friends called App Smear.
- Oh.
- Any one of these people could buy this house.
And if they do, you give us a percentage of your commission.
That's how we make money.
You the realtor? Indeed, I am.
I like this place.
Show me where it happened.
Um, it's right down this hall.
After you.
Her dad's loaded.
By the way, have you seen the price? The, uh -- The owner wasn't the only thing that's been slashed.
[Grunting] [Whistle blows] Announcer: And the Dolphins win, 21-0.
[Marching band plays] Claire: All right! Hey! That boy is like a professional.
It's amazing how one kid can carry a whole team.
I feel like you're doing this on purpose.
Excuse me, Mr.
Leslie Kwan Collins, Daily Dolphin.
For heroically taking in Dwight, you are this month's "Person with a Porpoise.
" Oh, I don't know about that.
It's -- Embrace it.
[Camera shutter clicks] Hey, come over here for just minute, buddy.
[Laughing] Good game! Good game.
- Thanks, Coach.
- Yes.
So, listen, I got something kind of rough I need to tell you.
No, I know you and Mitchell aren't just roommates.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate everything you're doing for me.
Yeah, listen, I don't know how I'm gonna tell you this.
[Sighs] So I'm not gonna.
I just need you to do everything I tell you.
Put your head on my shoulder.
That's it.
Get in there.
Now, I need you to pretend to start crying, really get those shoulders into it.
- [Imitates sobbing] - Yeah, that's it.
That's good.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
He's telling him.
- Stay strong.
- Yes.
Now I'm gonna cry.
[Imitates sobbing] I'm sorry! I'm sorry! [Normal voice] Okay, final step -- I just need you to sit down, grab your knees, and start rocking sadly, all right? All right, sit.
Excuse me.
Can I have everyone's attention, please? As you know, uh, Dwight's father was recently restationed to Florida and it was my intention to have my family have Dwight live with us, but unfortunately -- But unfortunately for our opponents, he's gonna be with us all season, because the rumors are true.
Dwight is going to be staying with us! [Cheers and applause] That is the more beautiful gesture ever.
Aww, thanks.
I guess I do always come around, huh? [Giggles] Yes.
Dwight, you're staying.
What -- What's going on? I don't know.
Coach just told me to sit on the ground and look sad.
- Cam? - Uh, let's hear it for this month's "Person with a Porpoise" -- Mitchell Pritchett! Wait.
How -- How did you know about that -- Did that reporter -- Oh! [Marching band plays] We are having a serious conversation when I get home.
But I'm loving this! So, Phil, what can I do you for? Well, oh wise one [Chuckles] uh, Luke here is President of the Student Council, but he needs some professional help.
I have a likability issue.
Yeah, I saw that when you came in.
What we need to do is promote you, okay? I see a pin, "I like Luke.
" I see a bracelet, "Luke is no fluke.
" I see a stadium cushion, "Luke has your back side.
" [Laughing] How do you do that? How about phone cases? - Phone cases? - I am so sorry.
[Exhales sharply] Sweetheart, this is why people don't like you.