Modern Family s08e13 Episode Script

Do It Yourself

1 Okay.
Screwdriver? [Clattering] Oh, no.
Backup screwdriver.
I come from a long line of handy men.
My dad used to fix everything lawnmowers, cars, our cat.
So it made sense that I tackled the clothes dryer after the repair guy tried to rip me off.
I'm not paying $350 for a moisture sensor that costs $28.
I'll fix it myself.
[Russian accent] It's a complicated job.
- You know what I did back in Russia? - Yeah, yeah, I know.
You were a doctor or a scientist.
- I fixed dryers.
- Oh.
I've been doing this a long time is my point.
Well, Yuri, Phil Dunphy is no pushover.
I'm afraid it's a hard nyet.
[Tool clacking] I guess these are clean enough.
I'll have this thing running in no time, honey.
I have an instructional video, and I'm labeling each part as I take it out.
"Right-back corner.
"Tiny elbow-y thingy.
"My right.
Dryer left.
" Can't you do this somewhere else? Right, the dryer's the one that needs to get its own place.
Honey, you have to be up anyhow.
We've got our cooking class.
I want to get there early and grab a stove up front.
Oh, my God, Mom.
You and that chef.
Keep it in your apron.
Mom's obsessed with this TV chef Charles Dumont.
She watches his show every day.
Not sure she listens, though.
A pinch of sugar, and your taste buds will surrender like the French.
I'm sorry, that joke was a little fromage-y.
- Did he say salt? - All: Sugar.
- Mmm! I'd love to give him some sugar.
- [Chuckles] But I'm pretty sure he said salt here, baby.
- Take taste.
- Oh, no.
Aah! - Mmm? - Hmm! Yeah.
- Yeah? Yeah.
- That's got something in it.
- Oh, almost out of cookin' juice.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, the next step is very important.
You sure you don't want to pause it? Oh, no, I'm good.
- We got to fix this.
- Mm-hmm We can't tell her how bad her food is because that would destroy her.
So when I found out Chef Dumont was coming to town, I signed us up for his class, so he could do it.
[clattering] - Whoa! - I know.
Pretty intense, huh? Now I just grab the sensor and put it [Sniffs] Oh, a little linty.
[Sniffs, chuckles] I probably should have emptied [Sneezes] Aah! Are the parts okay? - Yeah, they're fine.
- Oh, thank God.
I don't know Ow! All right, Joe.
Fire it in here, buddy.
Ooh! Yes! Good.
Now I don't have to tell another son that some boys have different gifts.
Good job there, slugger.
What the hell's going on here, Gloria? I feel like I died.
I'm watching my family as a ghost.
Don't be silly.
If that happened, I would have changed all this furniture.
I hired Coach Gary.
He's gonna teach Joe how to throw.
Joe is the worst in his team.
I hear you! Your son's in good hands, Jay.
I led my team to the championship last year.
We weren't supposed to keep score, but I did in my head.
This is crazy.
A kid's supposed to learn this stuff from his dad baseball, how to drive a car, how to fight a guy from Jersey.
If you think you took his knife He's got another one.
Joe learned to throw by copying Jay, but Jay throws all crazy because of his bad shoulder.
Like this, buddy.
Son of a! Son of a! It's the same reason Joe whistles "Sentimental Journey" when he pees.
You seem like a nice guy and all, but, uh, I got this.
Hey, no sweat.
Coach Gary gets it.
Hey, uh, don't forget your ball.
[Grunts] It's okay, Jay.
Some boys have different gifts.
- [Doorbell rings] - Cameron: Let me get the door.
Okay, thank you.
[Sighs] - Hi.
Can I help you? - I'm here for Lily.
[Voice breaking] I always knew this day would come.
Probably not what she's here for.
How do you know our daughter? I don't.
She hired me for a cleaning job.
- Oh.
- What? Wow.
Right on time.
Wait, Lily, did you hire a cleaning lady? Yeah, with an app on your phone.
Daddy said my room was a pig sty.
Okay, we'll double back to that unnecessary and inaccurate slam on pigs, and I think daddy meant for you to clean your room.
We can't have you cleaning our daughter's room.
It just it sends the wrong message.
We get to review you guys, too, you know.
Okay.
Now go clean your room.
It's not fair.
You guys use apps for everything.
No, we don't.
Well Okay, there's Uber for when we eat out and Postmates for when we eat in.
And TaskRabbit for stuff around the house.
And Washio and ParkMe and the one where the guy comes over and builds a fire in your fireplace.
Oh, LogBuddy.
I love LogBuddy.
We need to start leading by example.
From now on, we're all gonna be a little more self-reliant.
For starters, I'll build the fires.
But the LogBuddy guy comes dressed as a lumberjack.
I have a flannel shirt.
Huh? Where are all the extra pieces? There aren't any.
I used every last one.
Did you throw them away? You can tell me.
I won't be angry.
I fixed the dryer, Claire, and you get to be here for the moment of truth.
Pull the pin.
It works.
I had no idea you were so good with your hands.
Very manly.
I pinched my thumb with a pair of pliers earlier.
Not a peep.
Luke, Daddy and I need to go upstairs to discuss something in private.
Just go.
You're ruining sex for me.
[Both breathing heavily] Oh, we just created some static in these sheets, huh? - That felt amazing.
- Yeah.
I got all up in that dryer and fixed the hell out of it.
[Sighs] I feel capable of anything.
- You know what? - Hmm? I'm gonna build it.
- Dunphy Tower? - Dunphy Tower.
Dunphy Tower My first commercial real-estate development.
I've been dreaming of building it since I was a kid, and now it's all happening.
Well, minus the trampoline park on the roof and the tunnel to my best friend's house.
I am still holding out hope for a fireman's pole that takes you to the parking garage.
Well, if you're sure you're finally ready.
Of course I am.
I just fixed the dryer.
Hmm.
And it was the most satisfying thing I've ever done.
I'll just get dressed, I guess.
[Imitating drum roll] Ta-da! Phil, I know where we are.
I drove.
You know what this is, but I'm about to tell you what this could be.
This is my least-favorite way of talking.
You are standing on the site of the future Dunphy Tower.
A quarter acre of mixed-use space in a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood.
Commercial real estate, huh? This is a departure for you.
I thought about it down to the last detail.
Imagine a happy worker coming down from their transit-friendly office for a fancy coffee beverage or yoga, and what's that over there? A doll's foot, I hope.
A farm-to-table dog bakery.
Ooh, Stella and I went to one of those in Solvang.
She got a quiche.
It looked so good, I almost split it with her.
I don't want you to feel pressured to invest, but I want you to know this isn't a whim.
I've been thinking about this a lot.
What got you off the sidelines? This is gonna sound silly, but I fixed a dryer today.
I took it all apart and swapped out the sensor.
Get out of here.
The guy wanted 350 bucks.
I paid $28.
Holy cow! How come we haven't been talking about this the whole time? Because I'm so excited about this project.
I-I really think this could be a good investment.
I don't want to hear any more.
You're the most cautious guy I know when it comes to business.
If you think this is a slam dunk, I'm in.
Really? 'Cause I have an offer ready to go.
- You say the word, I hit "send.
" - Do it.
I've been looking for investment opportunities.
If you're confident, I'm confident.
- [Click] - [Chuckles] Because you know what I'd do to you if you blew my money.
- [Chuckles] - [Whoosh] All right, you are about to get an important lesson on self-reliance, young lady.
I know he's serious when he calls me "young lady.
" My dad did the same thing.
Okay.
Okay, no more doing chores with our phones.
We are going to get our hands dirty.
And, Mitchell, you're gonna start right here and manscape this.
- Really? Okay.
- And guess what you're gonna do? Can I be in charge of watering the cement - like the gardener? - Nope.
You're gonna get down on your hands and knees and pick weeds.
- Aw! - [Mockingly] Aw! You you know what I had to do when I was your age? I had to crawl through a cornfield and pick up rocks.
That's right.
I couldn't even have breakfast until I picked 100.
I'd strap a flashlight to my head, and off I'd go.
One rock, two rocks, - three rocks.
- [Leaves rustling] - Oh, my God! - [Insects buzzing] - It's called dramatic tension.
- It's called a beehive.
- What?! - Right right there.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
- Oh, Oh, no.
It's worse.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Those are wasps.
- Oh, I hate wasps! No, not you, Mr.
Fletcher.
The Come on.
Gloria? Phil got me to invest in a mini-mall, so you might want to dial back on the shoe purchases for a while.
One second, one second.
"Place order.
" What did you say, baby? - Drawer's fixed.
- What the hell?! Don't sneak up on people like that.
I'm liable to have knocked you out.
- I doubt it.
- I was gonna fix that, anyway.
Ay.
Like you were going to clean the gutter? Coach Gary did it already.
It really wasn't a problem.
I'm not afraid of heights, and I've got big hands.
Those are fun details.
It's like the guy was trying to steal my life.
I wish he'd shown up when I was married to Dede.
I would have made him a key.
Jay: Let me show you out, although you sound like you know the place pretty good already.
Hey, Jay, I've got a date Friday night.
- Can I borrow your car? - Sure, you can borrow your mother's car.
- Who's the lucky girl? - Rachel Caputo.
She and Manny work on the school paper together.
Extra, extra, she's a cutie.
Thanks for your help.
Hey, I just played the ukulele.
- You sang the song.
- Yeah.
- Coach Cupid! - All right, Gar.
You don't want to miss that bus.
Thanks again, Coach Gary.
He's not even your coach.
I need a scotch and a James Bond marathon.
You may be out of luck.
The TV wasn't working a minute ago.
Sounds like the satellite dish.
Big Hands probably messed it up poking around in my gutters.
- Let me check it out.
- No, no, no.
That might be very dangerous.
Let me go grab Coach Gary, and he can help you.
I said I'd do it.
Yeah, but I'm sure Coach Gary wouldn't mind sticking around.
I'm getting that impression myself! Thank you all for coming.
Who here wants to go to Paris right now? - Moi! - No.
We're not getting on a plane.
We'll be transported by these humble ingredients.
How great is he? So great.
Listen to everything he says.
Look to your left.
Look to your right.
Before this class is through, all of you will know how to make herb-roasted chicken! Ohh! I know this recipe.
- I could make this chicken in my sleep.
- How about we try it awake? Let's start with the most important ingredient thyme.
That's right.
It's time to chop thyme.
- He's just like he is on TV.
- Yeah.
Thyme and chicken play together very well, unlike dogs and chickens.
Tragic story my rescue whippet and I live next to an urban farm and Oh, my, do you mind if I use this as an example? Oh! Avec pleasure.
See how she's chopped it stems and all? That's wrong.
Sloppiness like this can ruin a dish.
Oh.
I had no idea.
I suppose when it comes to herbs, though, you're something of a sage.
- That's clever.
- Thank you.
- You can't eat clever.
- Oh.
[Dish clatters] Man: Freeze! Police! I'm a Realtor.
I'm not a criminal.
Oh, well, then you're not doing it right.
[Chuckles] Hey, Gil.
If one of your clients is actually thinking about buying this minefield, that would be their second bad decision.
- First was hiring you.
- Yeah, I got it.
You're not gonna push one of your clients into this swamp, are you? Maybe it just needs a developer with a little vision.
Very little vision and no sense of smell.
I mean, this neighborhood makes El Segundo seem like a Sephora.
It's in transition.
Yeah, it's turning into Fallujah.
I'm out of here before I get jacked.
- You gonna be around here for a while? - I might.
Maybe you can score me some methadone.
[Laughs] [Tires screech, cellphone ringing] - Hey, Bob.
- Bob: Good news, Phil.
They accepted your offer.
Without a counter? Maybe I came in too high.
Whatever.
They were really happy.
- Are - [Line beeps] - Hold on, Bob.
It's my son.
- [Cellphone beeps] - Luke, what's up? - Dad? I think something's wrong with the dryer.
But I-I fixed it.
I fixed it good.
I'll be right there.
Hurry! I think it's leaving.
Now, this is fresh produce.
- I can't even describe - [Glass shatters] Strike three! How exactly is this an improvement? Jay pick that lamp.
By the way, have you seen him? [Panting] [Grunts] I don't know how I got stuck.
I've been on roofs since I was 14 and discovered it was the best way to see into Ethel Burkin's bedroom.
Older gal.
50s, I think.
Today you probably wouldn't give her a second look, but this was before the Internet.
It was either that or a Sears catalog.
- [Wasps buzzing] - Can I take a picture of this? Sometimes my friends don't believe my stories.
There's got to be a better way of doing this.
On the contrary, Mitchell.
It's simplicity itself.
I dislodge the nest.
It falls into the trash can.
You close the lid.
Then we just have a barrel full of angry wasps.
Which we swiftly transport to a farm upstate where they'll be much happier.
Ooh, they'll see my friend's dog.
Yeah, just like that.
All right.
First, we just have to dislodge the nest.
- [Grunts] - No, no, no, no! - [Wasps buzzing loudly] - [Screaming] There's one on my face.
There's one on my face! Don't move.
I've been compromised.
Okay, g-get in the house.
Ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ooh! Bad idea! Ow! I was gonna take you to a farm! Ow! Ohh! I may have to change the name of this side dish to "potatoes au great-in.
" - I'm not hearing a difference.
- [Chuckles lightly] Great.
Oh, this is unique.
Yes, thank you very much.
You know how on your show you were always taking chances and trusting your instincts? Well, that is what I did.
That's because - I have good instincts.
- Mm-hmm.
What's something you do well? - Cook? Hmm.
- No.
Uh, Mom, I think what he's trying to say is that you should more closely follow his recipe.
You know, use the ingredients that he mentions.
Measure stuff.
- Right? - Not at all.
As I say in the foreword of my third book, "Who Can't Cook?," "Some people can't cook.
" Don't feel bad.
Gourmet cooking is tough, though not as tough as your chicken.
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
It's times like this I wish I had a refund policy.
Wait a second.
I have been making this food for my family for months now.
I make a big meal every Sunday.
I'm a working mom.
It's my one chance a week to give my family something and make up for the time I haven't spent with them.
Are you telling me that I have been giving my family garbage? Wait, uh Haley, honey, have I been serving you garbage? Um What do you think I said? She is the best cook ever.
We love all of her meals.
- Hmm! - Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- And my singing? - So good! - [Chuckles] - So Jay? Jay! Jay: I'm up here.
Ay, Dios mío! Your time was too short! I'm on the roof.
Ah.
Oh, okay.
So come down because the TV's working already.
You know, I'm kind of enjoying hanging out up here.
I I'll be down in a little bit.
Hey, if Joe wants to work on his throwing arm, maybe he can toss up, uh, an empty bottle.
Are you stuck up there? Stuck? No! I can come down whenever I want to.
I just have to dangle my body out over the edge and then reach blindly for that top rung of the ladder you're not supposed to use.
But I'll be in in a little bit.
I got a few things I got to do.
Got to maintain the roof.
It's your house's hat.
[Cellphone beeps] I called the one person I couldn't possibly be embarrassed in front of.
[Cellphone ringing] - It's Grandpa.
- Don't answer! He can't know about this.
We have a verbal contract that's largely based on my ability to fix dryers.
Please work.
Yes! [Dryer rumbling] Maybe.
[Sniffs] What's that smell? Failure.
[Wasps buzzing] Oh, Cam, that sting looks really bad.
We we should get you to a doctor.
A doctor for a wasp sting? Yes, let's put on our top hats and eat crumpets while we're on our way.
Okay, I know you think you're making a point.
Back on the farm, every time we would take down a wasp nest, I would get stung.
Something you might have mentioned.
And never once did I need fancy medicine.
Just a little mud.
That's right, Lily.
Daddy's being self-reliant.
What do you think the chances are he means actual mud? - Pretty good.
- Like my Aunt Dot said, "Whether it's bee stings or back aches, "a little mud is good for what ails you.
" I don't remember meeting an Aunt Dot.
She died.
15 minutes later.
All right.
I thought I'd make you a little bit Oh, my God! What? My face? Is it bad? It feels bad.
It looks a little like you stared directly into the Lost Ark.
- I want to see.
- You don't.
Do you think maybe me putting mud on it made it worse? I don't know how putting dirt directly into a wound, it-it Where are you going? To the doctor.
I want to be pretty again.
Well, w-what about being self-reliant? It's my face! Let's go! Whoo! Wasps! They're still out there! [Exhales sharply] Yeah, I'll hold.
I'm pulling out of the deal.
Why? What happened? I'm not the man you thought you had middle-of-the-day sex with.
Honey, I heard about the dryer.
It's not just that.
I ran into Gil.
He thinks it's a bad idea.
Your dad's money is on the line.
I've never done anything like this.
Who cares what Gil Thorpe thinks? Nobody knows more about real estate than you do, and you've been thinking about this project for a long time.
I believe in you.
You should believe in yourself.
Yeah, hey, Bob.
It's Phil.
Remove the contingencies.
Let's do this.
Is that a fact? Thanks for letting me know.
Gil Thorpe made a backup offer.
He was just trying to scare me away.
Oh! I am so proud of you! Wow.
Looks like the both of us had a little crisis of confidence today.
[Inhales sharply] In that cooking class - Yes? - Yes, well, Chef Dumont had the audacity to tell me that I can't cook.
- Huh.
- Mm.
Luckily, this one was there to straighten him out.
I'm gonna make you a celebratory dinner.
I think I've got most of the ingredients.
- [Chuckling] I can't wait! - Mm-hmm.
[Whispering] You had one job.
Hi, Jay.
Oh, crap.
She called you.
- Give me your hand.
- Why? So you can show me up again? - What are you talking about? - Give it a rest.
You come in here with your young shoulders, your ukulele.
I'm not trying to show you up, Jay.
I'm trying to impress you.
Why the heck would you want to do that? I guess you could say that, like you, I'm stranded in my own way.
This is my least-favorite way of talking.
I got to tell you, Jay, I'm over the whole sports thing.
But you just won the championship.
Exactly.
And there's no more Dragons to slay.
That's the team we beat last year the Baby Blue Dragons.
I'm not seeing how I figure into this.
I want to start my own business.
You've been so successful.
I was thinking maybe you could be my mentor.
- What line of work? - Pre-fab gazebos.
Nice! Every backyard could be its own town square.
I knew you'd get it.
After all, what's a gazebo but - an outdoor closet? - An outdoor closet! You're all right, Coach Gary.
Give me your hand.
Help me down.
We'll get a few drinks, and we'll talk business.
Gary's Gazebos.
Gazebos by Gary.
Gary's Gazebos and Sheds.
You don't need me.
[Chuckles] All right.
[Grunts] Is this you sitting alone in an empty yard wishing you had.
- [Twinkle!] - a gazebo - [Twinkle!] - or a shed? - [Sloop! Sloop!] - If it is, then call Gary's Gazebos and Sheds because here, we only do one thing - [Slip!] - sell, install, and service gazebos and sheds.
[Sloop!] Whoa! And ask about our bird baths.
We own 10% of that, you know.
How much money did you put into the businesses? Well, you can't take it with you.
Well, we'll all still be here!