Modern Family s09e19 Episode Script

CHiPs and Salsa

Not again.
I just came from an intervention.
Oh, no, no, Nicole, this is a staff meeting.
You asked us to be here.
Oh.
Here you go, Kato.
Yes, I wanted to talk to you all about something very important.
So, what plant has been revered for its healing properties for millions of years? Aloe.
'ello to you, too, but let's stay focused.
- Peppers.
- Peppers.
Weird, we are so in synch these days.
I want to be in the pepper business, people.
And I need ideas now.
[SNAPS FINGERS] I haven't come up with a single product idea in weeks, so I'm on thin ice at NERP.
And I don't mean the low-calorie ice cubes we sell on our website.
Well, my my step-grandmother, she is from Colombia, and she sells a salsa that is supposedly made with these magical peppers.
Peppers? I was just talking about them.
Yeah.
When can I meet her? Sell my sauce business to NERP? HALEY: I think you could get a lot for it.
When Nicole wants something, she just throws money at it.
She bought her next-door neighbor's house because she liked the mailbox.
I don't know.
I do.
Dump it.
That thing is worth less than a bachelor's degree.
Please, Gloria.
I really need this.
No one takes me seriously at that office.
I don't even have my own cubicle.
I share one, giant bean bag chair with the interns.
I want to help you, but something feels wrong.
Just go to the meeting and hear what the offer is.
Okay, fine.
I will go.
I will listen.
But I am not selling.
[SIGHS] - What do you think? - JAY: It's gonna be tough.
She's got a lot of practice not selling that sauce.
Whoa, what's up with the blazer and the t-shirt? Thought you were going to a college interview, not doing stand up in 1988.
I'm starting to think maybe college isn't for me.
There's this guy at the club who said I could be a model.
He said he's gonna take me out to the desert this week - and take some pictures.
- I'd put a pin in that.
Of course you're going to college.
What are you talking about? I don't know.
I wasn't very good at school the first time around.
Maybe I'm just Hey! Don't you dare call yourself "an idiot".
I wasn't going to.
I was gonna say, "Maybe I'm not ready.
" Honey, it's just nerves.
Change is scary, but in the end, I promise, it is all worth it.
Your mother's right.
You dig deep, you make your best effort, - that's where you find the glory.
- Exactly.
Like that time I beat her in that race.
Maybe 10 years ago, Phil challenged me to a race.
I don't believe it! Daddy wins! PHIL: Do you believe in miracles? U.
S.
A.
! He was feeling adrift because the kids were back at school, so I let him beat me.
[LAUGHS] He has not shut up about it since.
- Oh! - Oh! Oh, my God, Usain Bolt wins again! Can you even imagine what that feels like? Oh, I don't have to, sweetheart.
I lived it.
All appeared lost, but I turned on the afterburners He's heard the story, Phil.
And I pull off one of the greatest upsets in the history of husband-and-wife competition.
Okay, I'll go to that college interview and hear them out.
I'm proud of you, buddy.
I think what you and I did right there was called "great parenting".
Might be time to retire that story.
I am so sorry.
That was insensitive.
I didn't realize how much it must bother you to relive that loss.
Phil, I am just feeling Hey, don't you dare call yourself "a failure".
I let you win.
You what? Oh, I had you beat, easily.
I didn't even break a sweat.
As a matter of fact, I almost pulled a muscle holding back.
But, I saw how much it meant to you, and I let you win.
Oh, wow, yeah.
No, that makes a lot of sense.
I get it.
Like the way all the other horses wanted Secretariat to feel good.
Now you're Secretariat? I don't know.
Was Secretariat married to a crazy person? Oh, God, Phil, I 100% let you win.
Then, you could 100% beat me again.
Oh, I could.
Same course? I've only gotten stronger.
How 'bout we add a few challenges? - Monkey bars? - Great! Rope climb.
I love it.
Tires.
Why not? Noon? - Fine.
I have a showing.
I'll move it.
- Hope it's not too heavy.
The release form for this ride-along is is shockingly thorough.
I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.
I can't bury another ride-along.
I'm kind of the precinct cut up.
Okay.
Mitchell, it'll be fine.
They do these things all the time.
Yeah, easy for you to say.
My entire head is a gang color.
Okay, this is so exciting.
You know, in my alternate life, I'm a I'm a cop.
I-I thought that your alternate life was you teaching at-risk youth to street dance.
No, I teach them to believe in themselves through street dance.
Cam's always wanted to go on a ride-along.
So, I called in a favor to my law school friend Lucy at the DA's office.
Weird thing, they're understaffed.
And she offered me a job as a prosecutor.
I just I can't picture myself with a badge.
I mean, I already hate how thick my wallet is.
So, when do we roll? - You mean leave? - Oh, copy that.
You know, it's hard for me not to use the lingo.
Bit of a lawman myself, acting high-school vice principal.
Anyway, they call me "Arthritis" - because I make life hard on seniors.
- MITCHELL: [LAUGHS] They don't.
But he did make a sign for his desk, didn't ya? Hey, hey.
Do you think that perhaps you're coming on a tad strong? No, I think Officer Stablitzky appreciates me knowing the language.
It's, like, when you go to Italy, you use "prego" every other word.
They love it.
WOMAN: Break-in in progress.
Cooper and Olympic.
- Wait.
What was that? - In progress? Should we wait 'til they're done? - 12-A-3 responding.
- Copy that, 12-A-3.
Mitchell, why don't you ride shotgun? Oh, no, You know, he doesn't do that well on Splash Mountain in the front seat, so - He'll be fine.
Get in.
- Yes, sir.
Okay.
Okay, and then, you know, then, maybe I can front seat on even crimes.
- You know, to keep it fair.
- Probably not.
You know, Phil, it's not too late to back out.
I am in the best shape of my life.
After my last physical, the doctor posted my stress test on his Instagram.
Honey, I'm on the basketball court four days a week.
They call me "Phil Dunk-phy".
Well, take a good look at this face 'cause it's the last time you're gonna see it for a while - on your mark, get set, go! - Hey! I immediately pulled that muscle that runs from the top of your head down to the bottom of your feet.
The truth is, between work and not wanting to workout, I hadn't worked out that much.
Welcome to the jungle, Claire.
Monkey see, monkey d Ow! PHIL: My first thought was that I had been shot in both shoulders.
Here's the thing while Claire works out, I do go to the basketball court, but, uh, for epic robot battles.
[ROBOTS WHIRRING] Oh, Spin-a-tron cornered me again.
Looks like you got me dead Possum-punch! Possum-punch! Possum-punch! [LAUGHS] [BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY] Clouds look kind of ominous, huh? Kind of felt a raindrop.
- Maybe we should reschedule - Okay.
Sorry we missed that robbery.
It would've been a fun way to start the day.
Yeah, hi.
Have you guys considered using the Waze app.
I could fire it up and it'd be kind of, like, your Goose.
- Whoa, did you see that? - See what? I'm blocked.
I can't see anything.
That jerk just cut off that old lady.
- Wanna mess with him? - Mess with who? Is that allowed? What's he gonna do, call the cops? - [CHUCKLES] - Can you speak up a little bit? - I'm losing the thread.
- That's the siren.
- Okay.
- Not yet.
Not yet.
Now! - [SIREN WAILS] - Oh! Oh, my God! He's freaked out.
Oh, he's pulling over.
- Put these on and glare at him.
- Okay, okay.
That's right.
You know you were bad.
Sit in your shame like a dog! [CHUCKLES] You're a natural.
Oh, my God, that was such a rush.
I imagine that's what it feels like to punch a guy or or catch a ball while running.
Oh, hey, Chatty-Cathys, heads up.
- Possible 10-99 right over here.
- What? Couple low lifes over there exchanging cash-money.
That's because it's a newsstand.
And I'm pretty sure a 1099 is a tax form.
Oh, yeah, well, what isn't a form these days? School board's got me buried in paperwork.
I gotta get three John Hancocks just to take a leak.
We're the same, see? Oh, if I can interrupt for just one second.
I've been typing license plates numbers as you said I could and this guy in this dirty car here, he has a warrant for unpaid child support.
Good catch, Pritch.
He gets a nickname now?! [SIREN WAILS] - Hmm, looking squirrely.
- Yeah.
[TIRES SQUEAL] Yep, we got a runner! - Um - Stick by me.
Oh, my God, is this happening? This is happening.
Okay.
Hey, guys? Guys? There's no handles back here! I wanna come! [SCOFFS] Well, Luke, I read your essay.
Took a lot of guts to admit you weren't ready for college a year ago.
I had a lot of growing up to do.
So, I got a job, I paid my bills, and I read the Wall Street Journal online until I used up my five free articles.
Well, based on your credit score, we'd like to welcome you to Sequoia Community College.
Oh, thank you! And once your walk through one of our 15 TSA-approved metal detectors, anything is possible.
How hard is it? Well, most of our students report about 10 to 15 hours of homework a week in addition to class time.
That sounds like real college.
This is a real college.
And it's a lot of hard work.
But, you put in your two years here, then transfer to a real to a four-year college and you will land an entry-level job.
Nothing too glamorous, but you pay your dues, climb the ladder.
By the time you're 45, you're living in a three-bedroom house with a picket fence! - Wow! - [CHUCKLES] Three-bedroom house with a picket fence? Already got one of those.
Plus, free meals, laundry, and cable.
I am living the dream.
You know what I say? "Who needs college?" Great work out there.
I'm getting you a donut.
- You earned it.
- Er, a donut.
Isn't that a little on the nose? And a lot on the belly.
Ah, Blitz! CAMERON: Okay, guys, guys.
The door handle situation really hasn't changed.
- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah.
I opened it.
Sir? Okay.
CAMERON: So humiliating.
Officer Pierogi just banishes me to the backseat like I'm just along for the ride.
Well, it is called a "ride-along".
So LUCY: Mitchell! Oh, hey, Lucy, um Cam, this is Lucy.
She's the one that set all this up for us.
- Oh, hi.
Thank you so much.
- LUCY: Hi.
- Mitchell had a wonderful time.
- Oh, great.
- So, does that mean the answer's "Yes"? - What's the question? Oh, I've been trying for weeks to get this guy to become prosecutor.
Y You mean, like, Angie Harmon on on "Law and Order" or Susan Dey on "L.
A.
Law"? Or a man who does that job.
Okay, well, why didn't you tell me about this? I'm going to give you guys a minute.
But, um, Mitchell, I really need to know by Monday.
Otherwise, I have to move on to someone else, okay? - Okay.
- It was nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Bye! Bye.
Okay, I'm I'm sorry II didn't tell you about the job.
It's it's just a big change, and I wanted to make this decision on my own.
You know what, here's the good news.
- You have a fantastic job offer - Mm-hmm.
and if today taught us anything, it's that you have a passion for this world.
Well, actually, if today taught me anything, it's that I definitely do not want this job.
I'm I'm gonna go find Lucy.
[SIGHS] Oh, good.
I'm late.
I'm trying to free myself of the calendar.
I live by my circadian rhythms.
So important! Nicole, this is my grandfather, Jay.
How do you do? And this is the sauce maven herself, my wife, Gloria.
- Very nice to meet you.
- Oh, I love your accent.
You know, I was up for the role of El Chapo's mistress.
Oh, I did not see that movie.
What movie? And we appreciate you taking time from your busy schedule here at NERP.
It's a dynamite organization.
I'm a big fan.
Love what you're doing.
[WHISPERING] What are you doing? I was selling.
That's what I was doing.
I don't know what nonsense this cult was pushing, but at the end of the day, they were gonna be in the sauce business.
And so, these peppers are the heart of Gloria's sauce.
But this is the finished product, of course the Salsa Atomica.
Mmm! Peppery! She has a sophisticated palate! Mmm! I can feel the healing.
Maybe that's why you're glowing.
Am I crazy or is she glowing? Totally glowing! Gloria, I notice that you're really kind of quiet.
Is that a vitamin D thing? 'Cause we have socks that can address that.
No, I'm just you know, it's hard for me to sell this.
It's been in my family for five generations.
Most of them had kids at 15.
Things were not always easy in my village.
But the one thing that we could always count on was the sauce made from this blend of magical Colombian peppers.
Well, maybe it was just the way the water came down the mountain and curved around our family farm.
I love mountains and curves.
So NERP! GLORIA: You know, I remember my grandmother cooking for me every Sunday.
I would hold on to her apron and follow her around the kitchen while she prepared her sauce.
She would hold out the spoon to me and say, "Taste this.
It's your familia.
" I feel like NERP is my familia.
Yeah, we were all here on Christmas.
Maybe it is the right time.
My abuela is gone.
My great aunts are all gone.
They straightened the river.
NERP can re-curve it.
Maybe it is the time to say "Goodbye" to the one thing that is a real connection to You're not saying "Goodbye" to anything.
This deal is done! I'm so sorry to have put you in this position.
I will never ask you to turn your back - You blew it, you dummy! - What? I wanted to sell that stupid sauce! JAY: Wait a minute.
I'm confused.
Why did you tell her that the deal was off? I was trying to protect your legacy.
What legacy? There's not legacy.
I invented that whole story to drive up the price.
- Are you sure you're in sales? - What about the pictures? I cut them out from Manny's National Geographic old magazines.
Look, there's even a picture at the Universal Studios tour.
That's the "Psycho" house in the back! So, you want to get rid of the business? Yes, I hate that sauce.
It's a dog! I have storage lockers all over town full of jars.
I tried to flush it, but it eats up the pipes.
You could've just told me.
I didn't want to admit that you were right and have to hear "I told you so" for the rest of my life.
Well, your life.
But, it was the first thing I was doing on my own after getting married.
And it was a failure.
Honey, you've got to cut yourself some slack.
Do you know how many ideas I had to dump because they weren't working? I was a silent partner of a professional Jai Alai league.
With the ball and the scoopy thing? You guys! What was that?! Now I'm never gonna get my own bean bag chair.
No, it's gonna be fine.
We want to sell now.
It's too late.
She's moved on.
Nicole doesn't give second chances.
Mostly because that's the name of a failed rom-com she made with Andrew McCarthy.
That's where I've seen her before! Listen, this isn't over.
I've had my back against the wall before.
Denver, Closet-Con, '97.
I had a warehouse full of cedar shelves.
- A storm blew in over the Rockies - You sold the closet.
I get it.
- Let's go up there.
- There's a whole story here.
HALEY: Nicole! Look who came back! Listen, we were just talking outside, and maybe I was a little rash.
Really? Maybe a big rash.
I'm so happy to hear you say that 'cause I haven't been able to stop eating your salsa since you left.
There's no way to prove that.
HALEY: Apropos of nothing, do you believe in Western medicine? Ahh! Sweet.
- PHIL: Luke! - Dad? Need you bad, buddy.
- Why are you yelling? - Oh, don't tell Mom, but I worked out too hard, and it clogged my ears.
I need some ice.
And a heating pad.
And some aspirin.
And some soft foods, like Jell-o or soup.
Can you poach an egg? Can you even hear me?! [CELLPHONE RINGS] Hi.
Okay.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay? What's going on? Don't tell you father, but I can't move.
Start me a tub and when it's ready, carry me upstairs and put me in it.
Can you boil water for tea? I guess.
PHIL: Luke, what happened, chief? Uh, I'm helping Mom with something! [WHISPERING] Don't say that! Claire, everything okay?! Yes! I'm just stretching! Me, too! Luke! Uh, he's helping me with something on the computer! He's so good at computers! Oh, such a smart boy! Okay, all right.
This is nuts.
What? No.
Oh, boy.
Hi.
Oh, hi, honey.
Hey, sweetie.
CLAIRE: Are you good? Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Are you good? - So good! I don't know what's going on here, but neither of you are good! If you want someone to take care of you, I suggest once you can move, you make another baby.
- [GROANS] - You're hurting, too? That race, it almost destroyed me.
And I have to spend the rest of my life in this position.
What are we doing? We're competing like a couple of 40-year-olds.
I haven't worked out in months.
But, what's up with you? You're out on that basketball court all the time.
Claire.
[GRUNTS] There's someone I'd like for you to meet [ROBOT WHIRS] This is Awesome Possum.
Instead of working out, my super cool friends and I have epic robot battles.
The only time I break a sweat is when we run after the ice cream truck.
Is this what giving up feels like? No, not if we do it together.
Let's boldly walk forward at a reasonable pace into this new future where we don't have to pretend to be strong or fast.
- Can I make a confession? - Yeah.
Sometimes, I get hungry at, like, 5:00.
Me, too! Let's start having early dinners! It makes so much sense.
Old people are wise.
- [REMOTE THUDS] - Oh! Oh, no, Poss! No! No! I gave you life! Dr.
Perry, this is Luke Dunphy.
Forget what I said.
I'd like to start college today.
No! Luke! Mitchell, come in here.
Wow.
Small room, big mirror, handcuffs.
Overcharge for drinks, and this could be a bar in West Hollywood.
Okay, why aren't you taking this job? - I don't want to.
- Why not? You hate freelancing.
You're barely doing it.
I-I'm plenty busy.
Are you? Because you know what? Lily and I saw you putting breadcrumbs in your pocket the other day.
Are you back to spending your afternoons with the pigeons in the park, Mitchell? W You know, they're hungry.
No, you're hungry.
For a purpose.
It's just not my thing.
- Sit down.
- [SCOFFS] Not your thing, huh? Okay, well, I snapped this picture of you this afternoon.
Do you recognize the person in this picture? Uh, Yes, it's me.
You just said that, so Okay, well, what is the expression on your face? - What are you doing? - I asked a question! "What is the expression on your face?" It's a smile.
And how would you describe this"smile"? Well, from ear-to-ear.
Wh-where's Blitz with my donut? You'll get a donut when I get answers, you piece of trash! Hey! Hey! Oh, my gosh, what what's happening here, huh? I'm sorry, Mitchell.
You know what? I'm just here to help you.
Let's just you and me talk.
Are you seriously trying to good cop/bad cop me? No, I'm trying to get some understanding because I was with you the entire afternoon and you can't deny you had a great time.
Wait a minute except for when when you got out of the car to chase that guy down.
- Mitchell, what happened? - Nothing.
Okay, we were chasing after that deadbeat guy, and I startedI started thinking about his kid.
And I justI wanted to catch him and make him pay.
And then, Stablitzky got him on the ground and I saw his face and he was he was scared.
There's a person there.
I don't know the whole story.
I don't think that I can just toss someone into prison.
- Mitchell, come - See? This is why I didn't tell you, okay? You're judging me.
You're the tough, justice guy, and I'm just I'm soft.
No, you're fair.
And, of course, you can be thoughtful and sensitive.
But you can be tough.
You remember the woman in front of us at "Lion King" with the candy wrappers and the big, giant hat? - Whoo, I went crazy on her.
- You sure did.
And it is that passion that would make you an amazing prosecutor.
- Do you really think so? - Of course.
And nothing would thrill me more than to watch you embark on this new chapter of your life.
Aww.
It isit is a lot less money, though.
Well, you know, we don't have to decide today.
Guys? Guys, you forgot me again! I like tacos too! Mitchell! Mitchell! - Haley? In my office, please.
- Coming! Okay Where are you? Something happened to my face.
- Okay, I'll [GROANS] - I got it.
He's got it.