Modern Family s11e05 Episode Script

The Last Halloween

1 [GROANS.]
- Hi.
- Hey.
I don't feel so good.
Aww, what's going on? Let's see.
[GASPS.]
Ooh.
You are kinda warm.
Maybe get rid of some of these blankets? [YELLS.]
Aw, that is cute.
You tried to scare me for Halloween.
How in the world did that not frighten you? Some of this is my actual blood.
I nicked myself putting it on! Sweetie, you don't know the first thing about scaring people.
It's all about plausibility.
And you were awfully casual for a guy who just got an ax in the chest.
You know, if you really wanted to scare me, you should've waited until I opened the closet and found you hanging by a necktie.
Excuse me! I killed myself?! Yeah.
Totally plausible.
I mean, you've been so happy all these years, the other shoe is bound to drop, right? By the way, I am not married to the whole necktie thing.
It could be, um shotgun or poison or a power drill to the eye Stop.
Stop! Now you're scaring me.
That's how you do it.
Bam! Hey, happy Halloween! It was until your mother ruined it.
Oh, he's just mad because he tried to scare me and he couldn't.
I'm tough to scare.
My girlfriend's pregnant.
- No! - Phil.
She's our age.
If she was pregnant, it'd be on the news.
- But good one.
- ALEX: Dad, I'm sorry.
I don't have time to drop this off for you again.
Ida Mae Mann? Aww! Isn't that that lonely little lady that sits up in her window? He always makes me deliver his neighborhood association stuff because he's afraid of her.
That's crazy! I go by that house all the time.
[OWL HOOTING.]
Not hot, Phil.
Fine! She's creepy! She sits in that window like a store cat.
Okay.
I'll drop it off on the way to dinner with Bill.
He's taking me to Buon Cibo's at 6:00.
Whoa.
I'm going to Buon Cibo's at 6:00 with Janice.
Ew! I don't want to watch you run your discount body-spray game on her.
Change your reservation to later.
I can't.
She has to eat four hours before bed because of the reflux.
- You change.
- No! We're going out after to see "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," which I can't believe I agreed to.
Ooh, that sounds like fun.
I've never seen that movie.
Can you believe that? Me, of all people.
Uh, then we're going.
You think you can't be scared anymore? That's the most terrifying movie I've ever seen.
Great, bring it.
I look forward to being scared.
- I'm pregnant? - [GASPS.]
Phil! [CLICKS TONGUE.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Oh! Did you get the costumes? Yeah, I I didn't have a lot of time, so I had to steal something from work.
Please don't judge.
Okay, that's not a bad start.
I think I can work with this, yes.
Lily, my pins! We are so excited for Halloween.
You know, for the first time in years, we're gonna get a little cray and go to the big gay Halloween carnival, like we used to when we were young and childless And people still said "cray.
" We We've always had Lily with us in the past, but we are on a crusade to make her more independent, so when she got an invite to a party, we sort of, uh - RSVP'd for her.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
But you know what? It's gonna be good for her to socialize with people her age, and good for us to socialize with people - Half our age.
- Half our age.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHING.]
Okay.
Mitchell Judge Judy.
Your talent It's like you were touched by a gay-ngel.
And you said we would never wear the groomsmen shoes from Pepper's wedding again.
- [HUMMING.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just a second, young lady.
W-We're very happy you're going to this party tonight, but, uh, isn't this costume a little, uh, suggestive? This is my actual cheerleading outfit.
You guys know I'm doing that, right? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Totally.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- Totally.
We should have known that, right? [DOOR OPENS.]
JAY: Oh, Joe, you're home early? I got a surprise for - Oh.
Manny.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Look, I know you breastfed until you could stand, but aren't you a little old to be trick-or-treating? This isn't for Halloween.
I'm in final rehearsals for my one-man show "Sigmund Freud: Here Ego Again.
" I've saved you four seats, but if you need more No, four's good.
So, what's the surprise? Well, it's kind of a Joe thing.
You know, he's out trick-or-treating with his friends.
I-I'll wait till he comes home to show it to him.
Hmm, playing favorites with your sons, perhaps unconsciously repeating the cycle your own father perpetuated on You know, one ticket's gonna be good enough.
Is it cold in here, or is it just me because I am the frozen lady from "Frozen"? Why aren't you wearing your costume? Let it go, Gloria.
Let it go.
But you said that since Joe was out with Devon's family that we were going to do something fun together.
Yes, fun.
Have a Scotch, put that mutant spider costume on Stella Fine, I'll go meet Mitch and Cam by myself.
But you're gonna miss Joe's reaction when I give him my big surprise! It's just a candy bar! 18 months ago, in an underreported news event, NagaSnacki Food Solutions discontinued the greatest candy bar of all time.
The Fudgy Duddy.
After an exhaustive search One Googling.
I tracked down this beauty.
Now my son can experience the kind of quality confection our generation grew up with.
"Our"? I am a Gen X.
Don't make me a Boomer.
Something horrible happened to me last weekend.
I'll just have the seafood salad.
Very good.
And for your husband? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, no, no.
He's my husband.
That's what he said.
GLORIA: The day I have dreaded finally came People assume that I am Jay's [WHISPERING.]
wife.
You kids have fun! Manny.
What are you doing? Saving your house from being egged.
You're all out of treats.
Luckily I found a candy bar to give away.
Oh, no.
My Fudgy Duddy's gone! Nobody move! Hello there.
Uh, two for "Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
" Sorry, that sold out weeks ago.
Which should've been updated on our website, Bernard! But we still have seats for that super scary Japanese film.
- Yes! - Uh, pause.
How scary? How Japanese? I think the literal translation is "Make Dead with Old-Face Baby.
" - Two, please.
- No, um Come on, honey, you promised me a good scare.
This'll be fun! - Okay.
- Okay.
No! [WHISPERING.]
How you doing? [WHISPERING.]
Great.
I'm so scared.
Aah.
Don't patronize me.
You don't think I can tell when you're faking it? "Oh, Phil, mmm.
It's so good.
" I know you hated my gumbo.
PHIL: Uh, excuse me.
Hey.
Uh, I'm having a hard time in there.
I I came to see a movie I'd already seen.
Knew where all the jump scares were.
Could you tell me where the big ones are for this one? Sorry, dude.
Haven't seen it.
- I have.
- Ohhhh! God.
[BREATHING SHAKILY.]
It's okay.
He's behind the door.
He's behind the door.
He's behind the - [THUD.]
- Aah! [BREATHING SHAKILY.]
Something is wrong with you! [BREATHING SHAKILY.]
Wow.
This place has changed.
It used to be so much gayer.
Straight people always take our best stuff.
First, they came for our brunches, and I said nothing.
Oh, hey hey, Norm! Hey, Denise! Hey, girlfriends! I don't think we can say that.
You can't.
Yeah.
Wait.
I-I-Isn't Lily at a party at your house? - Yeah.
- That you're chaperoning? That was the plan, but then a bunch of older kids showed up, so we figured they'd be fine.
Bye, bitches! It's okay.
I'm a girl.
Okay, older kids, no adults.
Okay, where are we on the panic scale? - Um - GLORIA: There you are.
Thank you for saving me from a night of listening to Jay talk about his Fudgy Buddy.
Sorry.
We just found out Lily is at an unsupervised party.
Oh, do you want me to check her Insta? Lily Lily has Insta? You have Insta? What, you think I'm too old to have Insta? Okay, I-I want to hear all about what you're going through, right after we figure out - I found her! - Okay.
- And looks like she's having fun.
- Okay.
Who is this cute boy next to her? Can you turn it ar Okay, that's Garth.
I I've never trusted him.
I saw him buying deodorant when he was 9.
- Is that a beer? - [GASPS.]
Okay, I'm Don't just stand there! - I'm going to call her! - Call her! Ay.
I didn't think it was gonna be so cold tonight.
I'm sorry if I seem off.
It's just that lately, people have been mistaking me for a much older Excuse me, ma'am.
Are you lost? I can't find my friends.
Let me help you.
Oh, what a nice young man.
Get off me! Perhaps this candy bar represents your lost innocence? It represents delicious chocolate.
You're sure you gave this to a Spider-Man? I'm sure.
You know, it's also hard to ignore that this object you seek has a phallic shape Why did I talk you out of that mime major? Spidey 11:00.
Spider-Man! Hold up! I'm not Spider-Man, okay? I'm Deadpool.
It's a totally different character.
Look, before I realized it was a symbol of this man's mortality, I accidentally gave you some candy bar Not "some" candy bar, a Fudgy Duddy.
Look, you kids should know about this.
There was a famous commercial back in the '70s, first time on TV a girl touched a baseball.
It's got a red and blue wrapper with a Oh, yeah, I remember.
It looked gross, so I gave it to my mom.
She just left to go to that festival - in West Hollywood.
- Describe her.
She's kind of shy, loves animals No, her costume.
Oh.
She's dressed as Martha Stewart.
Ironic, since I had cereal for dinner.
- Come with me.
I need you.
- For emotional support? Carpool lane! I hope this doesn't sound too mushy, but I really love hooking up with you.
Well, I hate to think I'm pulling you away from some Halloween fun.
You know, partying with your more youthful friends.
[CHUCKLING.]
Hush, silly Janice.
If I was interested in youthful things, would I be here with you? Aww, babe.
You have no idea how much I've missed you.
I think I have some idea.
[CHUCKLES.]
Bill's been away fighting a forest fire for weeks.
He called me once to say he missed me, so I sent him a pic of me in a cute outfit.
I expected "wow" or a fire emoji.
Instead I got "Send more boobs"? I'm not mad, but I don't want to make it a habit of sending nudes.
Wait.
You actually sent boob pics? Yeah.
How much smoke did you inhale? This isn't my number, Alex.
It's the one you called from.
Because my phone died.
So I borrowed Creepy Craig's.
Wait.
You sent Creepy Craig a naked photo? Alex! Oh, my God! There's, like, 11?! Well, you He kept asking! You think I'm as pervy as Creepy Craig? I don't know Creepy Craig! Well, he knows you! You really think I would disrespect you like that? - What else did "I" ask for? - Oh, don't.
Oh, my God.
Are you outside? You know, I've always worried that maybe we were just too different, but the fact that you think I'm capable of writing "Do butt now Hit with magazine"? You know what? This isn't working, Alex.
No, wait! Can you at least ask Craig to delete those? I think you know how to reach him! Trust me, I've had enough Halloween mischief for one lifetime.
I'm ready for this now.
You are such a mature person.
I can't even imagine you as a wild child.
Oh, yeah.
Five years ago, we hit this one house.
The family was always calling the cops on us for lighting off fireworks.
- Mm.
- Standard stuff TP, sugar in the gas tank but then I noticed they had like 20 of those stupid garden gnomes.
- Oh, my God.
- I know, so douchey.
So we posed them having sex, rang the doorbell, and then when they opened the door, we blew them up.
[LAUGHS.]
Are you not getting it? It's kind of subtle, so That was my house.
But you live in a condo.
Now.
Years ago, my husband's father died and left us his antique gnome collection.
Marty wanted to keep them in the house.
They soothed him, he said.
'Cause the constant fireworks were always triggering his PTSD.
So, I insisted he put his sole inheritance outside, where you blew them up.
Life's funny.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
Yeah, the next day, I was supposed to meet him at couples therapy.
But I didn't make it 'cause my car died.
Sugar in the tank.
So I missed the appointment.
He went for a coffee, fell in love with the barista, and now I am living in a condo, dating a friggin' child! Janice.
This may be a bad time to mention it, but I don't have enough money for the valet.
Lily is still not answering.
Did you track her location? Uh, yeah.
It says that she's at our house? Do you think she took that boy home? Of course she did! An empty house, all those Anita Baker records.
It's the sexiest place in town.
We have to get home! Okay, it's gonna take us an hour just to get out of here.
No, no, we can save ourselves 20 minutes just by cutting through this maze.
No! No.
I-I hate those things.
Mitchell, we basically forced our daughter into the arms of a hormonal teen.
And let's be honest, was it because we wanted more independence for her or for us? [THUNDER RUMBLES.]
- All right.
- [CHAINSAW REVVING.]
Now, try to have some backbone.
I'm I'm I'm right here.
- Okay? - [CHAINSAW REVS.]
And just remember, this is for our daughter.
[YELLING.]
Aah! Aah! Aah! Ohh, Cam I know it makes me seem shallow, but he had such a crazy body! How am I supposed to go back to nerd butts? No matter what I'd need, it'd be right there in her purse Band-Aids, wet wipes, raisins.
Because sometimes I'm not angry.
I'm just hungry.
You know what she's not gonna find in that purse? Someone better than you.
- Really? - Yeah.
You can do better than I'm forgetting her name right now, so Molly's mom.
You know, I'm not just saying it because you said it, but I never thought Bill was good enough for you.
Seriously? You deserve someone smart and curious.
Be honest, didn't you get sick of him saying "I bet I can jump over that" every time he walked outside? Thanks, Luke.
We don't need them, right? In a couple weeks, we won't remember either one of them.
A fireman? A nun? Janice was into some really weird stuff.
[SIGHS.]
What about her? Is that a Martha Stewart? I-I think that's Princess Di.
Jay, you have to prepare yourself.
We may not find your candy bar.
We've stopped four Martha Stewarts, two Dog the Bounty Hunters, and the real Judith Light.
How nice was she, by the way? Yeah, class act.
Keep looking.
Hey, that's Mom! - Mom! - Manny! How many times have I told you not to shout "Mom" when you're dressed like an old man? Including now? Once.
I'm sorry.
I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at Mitch and Cam for leaving me here and the mean Boy Scout that made me feel so old.
Old?! Sweetie, you look delicious! - I do? - Yes.
You're dancing with us right now.
Okay.
Oh! Look what I found on the ground.
- We're too late.
- [SIGHS.]
Sorry, Jay.
Do you want to talk about it? No! I don't want to seem like a sad sack.
Uh excuse me.
What is it about this candy? It just tasted like summer or something, I don't know.
But out with the old, in with the new.
Candy bars come and go.
No more record stores.
6-year-old sons too grown up to go trick-or-treating with their dads.
No more beepers.
Are you that bummed that Joe didn't want to spend Halloween with you? No! It's just the beginning of the whole thing, ya know? When you When you break that seal Look, I know Joe wanted to be with his friends tonight, but he'll definitely want to spend another Halloween - with his dad.
- How do you know that? Kids have a way of coming back.
Even if they have to make up a dumb reason to do it.
Happy Halloween, kid.
[PATS BACK.]
Wait, this is a delicate moment.
We could scar her if we don't handle it right.
Ohhh! God, I know that's true.
My first kiss was terrible.
My mom walked in on me with this girl.
I can still hear my mom scream to my dad, "I told you he wasn't!" - Well, mine was worse.
- It's not a competition.
My dad found me in a barn open-mouth kissing a tackling dummy.
And you win.
Okay, so, gentle, but firm.
- Okay? - Yeah.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
Sweetie, is is everything okay? [VOICE BREAKING.]
It's nothing.
Go away.
Honey, did did a boy pressure you to do something you didn't want to do? Ew! Gross! No.
D-Did a girl pressure you into doing something Oh, my God! Can you adopt a second child to take some of this off of me?! Honey Honey, we we just want to help, okay? We're We're afraid that maybe we pushed you into going to that party before you were ready.
Look, I thought this boy really liked me, but he was just using me to get to my friend Kelly.
- Kelly? Ew, she's gross! - Yeah.
No, she isn't.
She's my friend.
She's not you.
And anyone who would pick her over Of course you'd say that.
You're my dad.
I'm sorry, there's nothing that you could say that would help.
Okay? You're not a girl, you're not 12.
What would you know about liking a boy who doesn't like you back? Oh, honey I'm gonna get us some ice cream.
Okay, come here, come here.
Okay.
Honey, you can't be mad that I wasn't scared by that movie.
It was a baby.
It had three rows of teeth! Baby teeth! Look, it's not your fault.
It's just that, next to you, I feel like such a wuss.
Just because you get a little bit squirrelly in a movie doesn't make you Wait, hang on.
Why are we crossing the street? Our house is right down Wait a minute, you're not afraid of the little old lady's house, are you? You don't know she's little! All we know is she sits up there plotting evil from her window.
She's not there.
She's always there! This stops now.
We're gonna go knock on that door, introduce ourselves, and put an end to this nuttiness.
[SIGHS.]
[DOOR CREAKING.]
- Huh.
- ["THE ENTERTAINER" PLAYS.]
- Well, that's weird timing.
- The, um The envelope Alex dropped off.
The The old lady never picked it up.
- [CREAK, THUD.]
- What was that? Oh, God.
Phil, what if she fell? We should go check on her.
Come on.
Yeah, I guess so.
I am, uh, right behind you.
I'm just gonna go find a flashlight.
Phil [SCOFFS.]
[SIGHS.]
Um Hello? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Ms.
Mann? Hello? Ida Mae? Oh.
Ida Mae? Ms.
Mann? [SCREAMS.]
It was simplicity itself.
A year ago, Claire accused me for the millionth time that I couldn't scare her, so I came up with a plan.
I'd just sold a house to a European couple that weren't gonna take possession for a while, so, uh, last fall, "Ida Mae" moved in.
I told you! She's always up there! Fortunately, the house was right on Claire's jogging route, so it was easy to introduce Claire to Ida Mae, and when I wanted to amp it up, I had Ida Mae make contact.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey! Then, this morning I knew that ax wouldn't scare Claire.
I just did that so she'd accuse me of not being able to scare her.
It's all about plausibility.
Damn right, it is.
Over the past year, Ida Mae joined the neighborhood association, hung up a poster for her lost dog, signed up for Meals on Wheels.
They're not bad, by the way.
Also, she got a lot of knitting done.
[SCREAMING.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, I'm sorry, Claire.
Did I scare you? [GASPS.]
- You did this? - Yep.
How long have you planned this 11 months, two weeks, and three days ago, I gave birth to Ida Mae Mann.
Because I da main man.
Oh, don't you dare do word play, Phil.
Sorry.
I was having so much fun! - What? - I was wondering what we were gonna do for the next 30 years of our lives without the kids in the house.
And now I know You're getting twisted, and I like it.
Game on.
- Unh-unh.
Unh-unh.
- Mm-hmm.
"Game on"? What do you mean "game on"? It's It's game over.
- Nope.
- [SWITCH CLICKS.]
Watch your back, buddy.
This is gonna be so much fun.
Can't we just travel? Where'd your mom go? - We have a winner! - [LATIN MUSIC PLAYING.]
[GLORIA LAUGHS.]
I really needed this today! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Hey! That's my wife! Oh, sure, sweetheart.
Like you could get that.
No, no, no! That is my husband! Does she know that No, and we're never gonna tell her.