Mom s02e19 Episode Script

Mashed Potatoes and a Little Nitrous

Hi.
I'm Bonnie.
I'm an alcoholic.
Hi.
I'm Bonnie.
I'm an alcoholic.
'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello.
My name is Bonnie and I'm fond of the grape.
Ooh! What are you doing? Hey, there.
I'll be right in.
I'm praying.
Would you like me to join you? Sure, if you don't mind swearing your eternal allegiance to Satan.
I'll see you inside.
Whew.
Hi.
I'm Bonnie and I'm an alcoholic! And today, I am sober 18 months! Is she wearing two different shoes? Maybe it's to match her two different earrings.
I gotta tell you, I could not have made it without the support of the men and women in this room.
I just love you guys so much.
Even you, Regina.
I swore I wasn't gonna cry.
Come on, Plunkett, pull it together.
What are you crying for? I don't know.
Anyway it's time for me to give back.
To share my experience, my strength, my hope, with the people who are taking their first steps on this wonderful road we call not drinking.
Avenue.
Thank you.
Nobody calls it that.
Do we call it that? Don't get me wrong I feel blessed to live in Jill's beautiful home.
But every time her friends come for a visit, they hand me their coat.
I told you it's not because you're black, it's because you look like my old maid.
How is that better? Is that better? Her old maid was very pretty.
Gotta pee.
Hey.
I'm wearing two different shoes.
Is your mom doing okay? Yeah.
Why? She doesn't seem like herself.
What's “herself”? Mean Bitchy - Dismissive - Okay.
- Rude - Selfish - Condescending - I get it! I get it! She's not taking those pain pills for her back anymore, is she? No, the prescription ran out a couple weeks ago.
Well something's not right there.
Oh, come on! After the year she's had, she's allowed to be a little eccentric.
The year she's had? Did she spend time in jail? Is she fighting cancer? Did her hair guy move back to Japan with zero warning? Oh, please.
That's the same haircut I give my son.
I know they're two different shoes! Mind your freakin' business! See? She's still mean.
I think the real problem is that she's lonely.
Do any of you guys know somebody we could set her up with? Does it have to be a man? Not really.
She's been known to eat from both sides of the buffet.
Think I'm gonna take off.
I'm tired.
We just got our food.
Oh, right.
That was mine.
So what do you think? Eh, we could toss a penny in there and wish for it to unclog.
Did you try using a plunger? First thing I did.
Hmm.
You're not flushing any feminine hygiene products down there, are you? I'm 58 years old.
What kind of feminine hygiene products do you think I'm using? Don't bark at me for thinking you might still be vital.
All right, I'll take a look.
Thank you.
By the way if you know you're having company, maybe you could put your bras away? You're not company.
You're here to fix the toilet.
Well, I still don't need to see those tired old things.
Though they pair nicely with those tired old things.
Just fix the toilet and let yourself out.
No hug? Well, there's the problem.
She's got a tired old ballcock.
Ah, let's see Stuff to help you poop.
Stuff to make the pooping stop.
Well, now we know why the toilet's clogged.
Hold on.
Chlorodiazepoxide.
It's gotta be good.
Hey, did you hear from Marjorie today? She sent me an e-mail.
I didn't open it.
What is this stuff? It's tofu.
What's tofu? A type of chicken.
I like chicken.
Hey, I gotta talk to your grandma.
Why don't you go watch TV while you eat? Okay.
I wonder what part of the chicken this is.
Why didn't you open it? Because she sends me her happy thought e-mails every freakin' day.
Listen to this gem.
“If God brings ya to it, God'll bring ya through it.
” Gee I like those e-mails.
They keep me from stabbing you.
Anyway, the reason she's trying to get ahold of you is, she has a really nice guy she wants you to meet.
Yuck.
You know who else was a nice guy? The Elephant Man.
Oh, come on! Watch the movie He was charming.
Yeah, well, I checked out Marjorie's guy on Facebook, and he happens to be good-looking and a very successful dentist.
A dentist? Huh.
Hmm.
Yep.
Oh, come on, give it a try! You need to get out there and have some fun.
Who knows? Maybe you two will hit it off and he'll fill your cavity.
Your cavity.
Get it? Do a little drillin'? I'm gonna go eat with Roscoe.
I'll be here all week! Tip your waitress! So, after my wife died, I thought I'd travel a little bit.
Took a cruise up to Alaska.
Nice.
Walked on a glacier.
Saw a pod of whales.
Wow! Met some Inuits.
They're one of the local Indian tribes.
Not to be confused with the Out-u-its.
Sorry? A joke that the cruise comedian did.
I don't think I told it right.
Ow! You all right? Yeah, yeah, I just have this sensitive tooth back here.
I gotta remember to chew on the other side.
Oh So the Inuits.
Go on.
Why don't we go back to my office, let me take a look? I don't want to impose.
Mm! Think I'll stick with the mashed potatoes.
Don't be silly.
I insist.
Oh you're very sweet, but to be totally honest, I'm terrified of dentists.
I have no tolerance for pain.
I promise you won't feel a thing.
I'll give you a little nitrous oxide.
Let's go.
Where's your mother? Um Out for the evening.
Why? She stole three of my cat's tranquilizers.
What? That's impossible.
I just refilled his prescription.
I know exactly how many were in here.
Maybe your cat has a drug problem.
So this is funny to you? A little.
I mean, a cat on tranquilizers at some point, isn't that just a pillow? You're just as bad as she is.
I'll save a seat for your cat at my AA meeting! My name is Mittens and I'm an alcoholic.
So how'd your wife die? Massive heart attack.
The love of my life died the same way.
Oh, I loved him so much.
I loved her, too.
My friend has cancer.
I haven't spoken to my daughter in 15 years.
What? What? Out-u-its.
Hey, how was your date? Not bad.
It's 12:30.
I'm guessing the Elephant Man had a trunk in his pants.
Nothing happened, and he was very nice.
Details, details.
Not much to tell, really.
He's a widower, so we talked a lot about losing loved ones.
- Sounds depressing.
- We actually found a way to laugh about it.
Here, free toothbrushes.
Oh, good.
Now I can stop using yours.
What? You heard me.
So did you make plans to see him again, or is he just gonna send you a postcard? Good night.
Hey, um, just a heads-up.
Beverly Torantino dropped by.
Oh, yeah? She was pretty upset.
About? She has this crazy idea that you stole some of her cat's tranquilizers.
Her cat has tranquilizers? That's weird.
That's what I thought.
I don't know what to say.
How about you say you didn't take 'em? Wait, you're actually asking me if I snagged downers from Garfield? Well, to be fair, you are not unfamiliar with taking other people's drugs.
Yeah, keyword, “people.
” And that was a long time ago, and it was business.
You know how hard it is to be a single mom.
I know, but Stop.
Just stop.
I am so hurt that you would actually believe I'd be capable of doing something like that.
I'm sorry, it's just You've been acting What? I've been acting what? I don't know, squirrelly.
Oh, I'm squirrelly? Which one of us gambled away the rent? Which one of us shacked up with her boss? Which one of us is sitting here nervously filling her cheeks with nuts? Don't turn this around on me.
You know what the worst part is? I spent the whole night bragging about my extraordinary daughter and how much our relationship had healed.
Thanks for making me a liar.
Mom, please, I'm sorry.
I don't want to hear it.
Cat tranquilizers, unbelievable.
I said I was sorry! I believe you! Forgot my purse.
Here you go.
What? Really? - With your cholesterol? - Don't start.
It's just you were so good all weekend.
Then I've earned this.
Fine, die young.
Leave me in that big house all alone.
We have a year to give you two a gift, right? You won't believe this.
What? The dentist I fixed your mom up with just checked himself into Betty Ford.
Oh, God.
She went to dinner with him last night.
How was she when she came home? She was in a great mood Bubbly, chatty and Oh, I am such an idiot.
Not your fault.
One of the neighbors came over and accused her of stealing her cat's tranquilizers.
Cats have tranquilizers? Oh, yeah.
Wash 'em down with a dry chardonnay.
Meow.
Oh, God, Mom.
Seems we have a situation here.
Hey, guys.
What? We need to talk.
Okay, just give me a minute.
I think I left my lights on.
She's not coming back, is she? Mom, wait.
No, I don't think so.
Wow, she's fast! She's all legs, and she's on drugs! Mom, wait! Bonnie! Mom! Where are you going?! Bonnie, stop! You all right? Yeah, go on, I'm fine.
I'll stay here with her in case Bonnie doubles back.
That's the cream cheese talking! Bonnie! Mom, please! Oh, my God.
Mom, stop! What are you doing? Go away! Come on.
Let me help you.
I don't need your help.
I've got it under control.
How is this having it under control? Don't make me jump.
I swear I will jump.
Go ahead.
The ground is rubber.
Just leave me alone.
You know what? Fine.
Have a nice life.
What's that supposed to mean? It means you and me are through.
What are you talking about? I'm your mother.
You're a crazy old woman on top of a jungle gym.
Old?! I outran you.
You looked me right in the eye, and you lied to me.
You lied to everybody! Well, maybe I don't want to be sober anymore! Maybe I'm done with that! Fine.
But you're also done with me, and you're done with your grandchildren.
Christy I'll still see my grandson when he comes to play in the park! You doing okay, hon? I'm fine.
Walking away was the right thing to do.
I know.
You're not responsible for Bonnie's sobriety.
I get it.
It's just I can't believe she threw it all away.
Honey, she's an alcoholic.
She's my mom.
Yeah, well, you got to separate those two out.
That's real easy for you to say, but she's not your mother.
And like an idiot, I thought she was finally mine.
What'd I miss? Hello? Christy.
Where are you? Uh uh, I'm in jail.
Oh, God.
Are you okay? Yeah, just got a DUI.
Can you come bail me out? Yeah.
J-Just so you know I was fine to drive.
The cop was just a jerk trying to fill her quota.
So it's the cop's fault? I can't say it loud, but she's an angry lesbian.
You know what, I'll come get you in the morning.
What? You're gonna leave me here? Yeah, I am, Mom.
Christy, don't you dare