Mom s03e12 Episode Script

Diabetic Lesbians and a Blushing Bride

1 Previously on Mom Hi.
Bonnie.
Alcoholic.
Others: Hi, Bonnie.
Bonnie: is really onto something.
You new? - Yeah, I guess.
- Cool.
We're gonna grab coffee with some girls from the meeting.
Do you want to come with us? So, Jodi, what's your drug of choice? Yatch, trees, grass.
What are those? Skis, Buddha, ice.
I'm sorry, what's happening? Coke, pot, meth.
No alcohol? Uh, I'm not 21, so it's harder to get.
Your parents know you're trying to get sober? My parents don't know I'm alive.
Oh, look.
Our little meth head is still asleep.
Sweetie, you're welcome to stay with us until you get on your feet, but could you get on your feet once in a while? I got a job.
I'm a barista.
(chattering enthusiastically) Relax, your sister wouldn't have invited you to come live with her if she wasn't ready to give you a second chance.
Or eighth or ninth chance.
Listen, I just wanted to thank you for everything.
It's our pleasure.
Occasionally.
I don't know where I'd be without you guys.
I mean, you literally saved my life.
I love you.
We love you, too.
Okay, he is cute.
I do like a man with a nose ring.
At the end of the day, you can hang him on a hook with your purse.
He works at a tattoo parlor.
He's an apprentice piercer.
Ah, so he's a man with a dream.
He seems terrific, Jodi.
But? He's only been sober a few weeks, and you've barely got six months.
But Travis is totally committed to the program.
He even got "one day at a time" tattooed on his neck.
Ooh, he's also got a skull smoking a joint on his chest.
I'm just saying it seems a little soon for you to be in a relationship.
No, you don't get it.
This guy's different.
How many times have I said that to you? Well, you've got two kids, so at least twice.
Did you sleep with young Travis yet? We hang out.
That's a yes.
I know what "hang out" means.
I thought you guys would be happy for me.
I met a great guy.
He's sober, he has a job, he treats me good.
It's almost like you're jealous.
I'm not jealous, I'm just concerned about you.
I'm a little jealous.
The thing is, if you want me to be your sponsor and you're not gonna take my advice, then it kind of defeats the purpose.
Well? Well, can I at least be friends with him? I don't know.
Can you? Keeping in mind how much guys like to be "just friends" with hot 19-year-old girls.
Yes, I can.
- Give me your hand.
- What? Just give it to me.
What are you doing? Giving you your own reminder tattoo.
"Just fliends"? That's an "R.
" Eh, I see an "L.
" That's "fliends.
" Fine, you have to tell Travis you want to be "fliends.
" (chuckles) Okay.
Whatever.
I got to get to work.
Thanks for the coffee.
Mm.
That's what "fliends" are for.
Bye, Jodi.
You do realize she's going to keep sleeping with him.
Yeah, I know, but I think I took a little of the fun out of it, so that's something.
You really love that kid, don't you? One of the great things about being sober is I have so much more love to give.
Hmm.
I look forward to being the beneficiary of that.
Oh Can we get the check? Hi, come on in.
Thanks.
Is this an okay time? Sure.
What's going on? I'm just having trouble with Jodi, and I'm not sure how hard I should push.
Crusty! Oh, hey, Victor.
Come here, give me hug.
Okay.
Oh my, that's a lot of Old Spice.
Helps me not smell the cats.
Not that I don't love the cats.
- Did you tell her? - Not yet.
Tell me what? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! (gasps) Let me see it again.
Victor buried it in the kitty litter box so I'd find it when I scooped.
What can I say? I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
So when's the wedding? Next week.
Next week? Are you pregnant? We'd already booked an Alaskan cruise for the end of the month, so we decided to make that our honeymoon.
That's just great.
I'm so happy for the two of you.
Marjorie: Well, thank you.
Now, what's going on with Jodi? You know what, it's fine.
I can handle it.
Let's talk about throwing you a bachelorette party.
Oh, that's not necessary.
Oh, come on, it'll be fun.
Let me do this for you.
We'll-we'll keep it low-key.
Just me and the girls.
All right.
Thank you.
Maybe you can take my sister.
Oh, Victor, that's a great idea.
Ugh.
Well, that's a disturbing piece of pastry.
Yeah, well, you can't really have a bachelorette party without one.
Think Marjorie will like it? Who doesn't like a red velvet penis? Diabetic lesbians? Why don't you put that in the kitchen? And no sneaking a lick.
You know, I can't tell you how happy I am for Marjorie.
Yeah, it just goes to show good things do happen to good people.
Oh, please, you're thinking the same thing I am.
"How the hell is that old crab cake getting married before any of us?" Mom, how could you say something that awful out loud? Well, it's no fun if I just think it.
Isn't this good news for you guys? I mean, old people can find love, too.
(knocking on door) Old people about to knock her on her ass.
- Hey.
- Hey! There's the blushing bride.
Come on in.
Uh, Christy, this is Victor's sister, Anya.
Um Anya, this is my good friend, Christy.
So nice to meet you, Anya.
Nice to meet you, too.
Hey, everyone, come meet Anya.
- I'm Jodi.
- Wendy.
Hi, Jill.
You must be so excited your big brother's finally getting married.
Don't I look excited? Hey, excited, constipated, what's the difference? Christy: Okay, okay.
Round two of "Who Knows Marjorie Best?" 35 years ago, when Marjorie was homeless in Golden Gate Park, what famous rock star gave her a dollar and a tab of acid? - Janis Joplin! - Santana! - Grace Slick! - The Beatles! The Beatles? What? They're old, she's old.
I'm sorry, those are all incorrect.
Marjorie? Jerry Garcia.
That's a real person? I thought it was ice cream.
You were homeless? Just for a few years.
Let's move it along.
Next question.
Marjorie's nickname when she was in jail was ? - Killer.
- Big Marj.
- Queen Bitch.
- Yoda.
Yoda? Same thing.
He's old, she's old.
Wrong again.
Marjorie? The Hammer.
You were in jail? Briefly.
And you hit people with a hammer? Not literally.
Uh, my cellmate got a little frisky with me, and I had to clock her with a Bible.
So why didn't they call you "The Bible"? It was already taken.
Okay, next question.
At the Rolling Stones concert at Altamont, how many Hells Angels did ? Okay, let's play a different game.
Ah, man, I knew that one.
(mouthing) Let's open gifts.
Great idea.
Does Victor know about all these things you did? Of course.
We tell each other everything.
And that all happened a long time ago.
Really long.
We get it You're young.
Oh, fun.
Furry handcuffs, crotch-less underwear and strawberry lube.
It's sugar-free, so Victor can eat as much as he wants.
Excuse me.
(door closes) Guys, Anya's a little old-fashioned.
Maybe we need to pull it back a bit.
So we're not gonna play "Pin the Hose on the Fireman"? I think not.
Darn.
You know, um, as much fun as this is, I actually have to go.
Uh, Marjorie, congratulations.
I'll see you at the wedding.
Okay.
Bye.
Thanks, sweetie.
You're leaving already? We're just getting started.
Yeah, I got a thing.
Would the thing's name be Travis perchance? His last name is Sullivan.
Jodi, isn't it a little soon for you to start dating? Thank you.
That's what I've been telling her, and she won't listen.
Did you tell her how you ignored my dating advice when you were new? No, Marjorie.
I thought that might undermine my purpose.
Jodi, the guy just kicked heroin.
Yeah, he kicked it.
He's been clean for six weeks.
Marjorie, tell her.
Tell her what? That I wasn't capable of having a real relationship with anyone until almost two years after I kicked heroin.
How much did she hear? Just the part about the heroin.
Can I go now? No one's stopping you.
Just be smart, okay? I will.
(quietly): Bye.
Anya, how you doing in there? Go away, junkie whore! Well, she's not coming out anytime soon.
Let's go dig into that penis.
Let's go, Mom! I can't find my new earrings! That's 'cause I'm wearing them! Come on, we've got a bride to marry off.
Who told you you could borrow my earrings? Well, I can't borrow your shoes, now can I? Let's go.
- (cell phone ringing) - Oh.
We're on our way, Marjorie.
- Oh, for God's sake.
- What? Anya's refusing to go to the wedding.
- Why? - Why? She doesn't approve of Marjorie.
So? I don't approve of her and I'm going.
Give me.
Marjorie, screw her.
This is your day.
Don't let that old hag ruin it.
Who cares if Victor's depressed? It isn't his day, either.
This is about you.
She's crying.
I'm out.
Marjorie, where's that Armenian buzzkill now? Okay, you just relax.
We'll take care of everything.
Never mind how we get her there.
It's probably better you don't know.
How do you want to play this? The usual good cop, bad cop.
Oh, come on! Why can't you be the bad cop? We've been through this.
I'm too adorable! This is a cheerful little cottage.
Does she live here or did it fall on her? (cell phone ringing) Oh, damn! Jodi, kind of got my hand full right now.
Anya: Who is it? Hey, Anya, it's, uh, Christy and Bonnie.
Remember from the party? I-I can't talk right now.
I'll see you at the wedding.
Honey, I got to run.
Go away! You're up.
Anya, I-I know this is a tough time, but we just need five minutes, please? What happened to bad cop? Hang on.
I told you Ooh! Ow! Ow! Open the big door or I pull you through the little door! Oh! Oh! Why do I ever doubt you? Ow! Ow! Ow! Five minutes, then you go.
(clears her throat) Thanks.
You have a lovely home.
Yes, very "Rosemary's Baby".
Go ahead, talk.
Anya, you must know that your brother and Marjorie are just devastated that you're not coming to the wedding.
Good.
Yeah, good.
But they're still gonna get married and I think you need to ask yourself 20 years from now, do you want to look back at this moment and be filled with regret that you refused to share in their happiness? 20 years from now, I expect to be dead.
Okay, ten years.
Still dead.
You want to jump in here? No, you're doing great.
I think we may have given you the wrong impression about Marjorie at the bachelorette party.
What, that she is a horrible person? That she is no good for my brother? Well, that may have been true many years ago, but now she's a kind and loving person, who helps a lot of people.
No, people like her don't change.
That's not true.
We've changed.
I mean, I've changed.
She's working on it.
That's nice.
But I'm not crazy about you two, either.
Is it your turn yet? Fine.
You like brandy? Yes.
Prove it.
Oh, let's get this party started! Anya, you came! Oh, Victor, my brother! Oh, is she drunk? I hope so.
She flashed her boobs at a school bus.
I'm sorry if I upset you, Victor.
I-I was just afraid of losing you.
Oh, little one, you could never lose me.
You'll come and live with me and Marjorie.
Oh, God, what have we done? Be blessed by the Holy Spirit.
We part in peace.
And may the Lord be with you.
I kiss now? You kiss now.
(whooping) Anya: Wait! Wait! Wait! I'm coming to live with you! What's this now? Well, she did it.
She's a married woman.
One down, four to go.
I'll bet you're next.
Why not you? Oh, no, I'm done with marriage.
Oh, come on, you'll find love again.
Oh, of course I'll find love.
Just don't want to give up my alimony.
Good for you.
Suck 'em dry.
(phone buzzing) Oh, this ought to be good.
Hey, Jodi, where are you? You missed the ceremony.
Yeah, this is Christy Plunkett.
Who's this? I don't understand.
Where's Jodi? No, that can't be.
What's going on? But she's supposed to be here with us.
Christy, what's happening? Jodi overdosed.
Is she gonna be okay? She's gone.
(gasps) No Yes, Officer, I'm still here.
(crying): I can't believe it.
She was fine at the party.
How did this happen? All I know is they, (sniffles) found her in the bathroom at her apartment.
Apparently, her boyfriend called 911 and took off.
(sniffling) How are we gonna tell Marjorie? We're not.
What do you mean we're not? Here's how this is gonna go.
We're all going to the reception and we're gonna pretend to have a good time.
And we're gonna get Marjorie off on her honeymoon without her knowing anything.
Doesn't Marjorie deserve ? No! Marjorie deserves to be happy.
We'll tell her after she gets back from the cruise.
Christy, I don't, I-I don't think I can hold it together.
Yeah, well, you will.
All of us will.
(door opens) What are you doing in here? Come outside.
We're taking pictures.
We're coming.
What's the crying about? We're just so happy for you! (laughs) Thank you, girls.
Where's Jodi? She couldn't make it.
Ah, that's a shame.
When you talk to her, give her my love.