Mom s03e19 Episode Script

A Catheter and a Dipsy-doodle

1 Pretty nasty, huh? Took seven stitches to close that up.
Oh, please.
12 stitches.
Picked a bar fight with a mirror.
Turned out I was giving myself the finger.
All right, all right, I'm just getting warmed up.
22 stitches doing stunts on "The Hangover".
23 doing mushrooms with a hangover.
I win.
(chuckles) Uh (clears throat) Fine, it's a tie.
(phone dings) That was smooth.
What? The dipsy-doodle with your phone.
It was just a text.
Come here, let me see that sexy scar on your neck again.
So who is she? What are you talking about? The woman who just texted you.
Don't worry, I'm not judging you.
I'm just trying to figure out how to roll you into traffic.
You really think I'm fooling around on you? Why else would you look at a text and turn your phone over? It's not a woman.
Then let me see it.
No, it's private.
Hey, I don't keep secrets from you.
Look me in the eye and tell me that's true.
It's not important.
I didn't flip the phone.
Are you really gonna let this ruin our night? Nice.
You're the one sleeping with someone and I'm ruining our night.
So, yes.
(stuffed up): "A trial is closed to the public only when it's necessary to " protect trade secrets, avoid intimidation of witnesses and Come on, you saw this on "Law & Order".
Bump-bump Bump-bump! protect the identity of a juvenile.
Yes! The prosecution rests.
And maybe dies.
(sighs) Hey.
Hey.
Oh, that doesn't sound good.
It's just allergies.
Or maybe malaria.
What are you doing home? Adam's cheating on me.
Already? I mean, oh, no.
How do you know? He got a text and turned over his phone.
- Ooh.
- Exactly.
What'd the text say? I don't know, he wouldn't show it to me.
Well, Mom, then your evidence is just circumstantial, which is especially problematic in civil cases where evidence is lacking.
Yes! So what'd you do? Well, what could I do? I screwed his brains out and left.
That'll show him.
Show him what? A woman had sex with him, then disappeared? Isn't that every guy's dream? The point is, he'll be thinking about me when he has sex with her.
Don't guys do that anyway? Hey, I support you when you do dumb stuff.
Sorry.
You really like him, don't you? How does me wanting to kill him mean I like him? Because you only kill what you love.
(phone dings) Sounds like somebody woke up from his post-coital nap.
Aw, he wants to know that I got home okay.
Jackass.
I need to become a lawyer so I can move away from this.
Thank you.
Your first course will be right out.
Are you all right? Oh, yeah, I just got to lay off the cigars.
Order in.
Lovely.
Sorry.
Not to worry.
Uh, Paul, give these to the busboys.
Why don't you and the bubonic plague go home? I'm fine.
Ooh, an energy drink.
What are you, four years old? I just got to get through this shift.
Then do what the rest of us do: go out into the alley and snort a line of blow like a grown-up.
Did you forget I'm sober? Did you forget that I don't care? All right, one crispy sea bass and one Brown v.
Board of Education.
1954, separate schools are not equal.
Yes! Sorry, I've got finals.
I'm gonna be a lawyer.
Yeah, and this hamburger gonna be a steak.
It's snowing in the alley.
Uh-huh.
Thank you, Ramone.
Cocaine break.
(knocking) Really? Two days, 19 phone calls, about a hundred text messages, you just ignore me? Sorry, I just thought you'd be busy with your other girlfriend.
Bonnie, stop.
There is no one else.
Then why'd you turn your phone upside down? You do know that is the international symbol for wandering boner.
I did not know that.
Okay.
Okay, fine.
Look, the other woman is a stuntman named Mitch.
She's six-three, about 220, and lost a testicle while working on Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.
"Don't be a jerk, come to the reunion.
" What reunion? A bunch of my old crew are getting together in L.
A.
this weekend.
I don't want to go and I didn't feel like explaining why.
So, you'd rather me think you were seeing someone else than just tell me what was going on? Well, I'd rather you just trust me.
Oh, Adam, the words "trust me" just mean there's no cash in the locker at the bus station.
Bonnie, even if I wanted another woman, I couldn't do anything with her.
You've worn me down to a nub.
Good.
That was the plan.
So, assuming this reunion thing is real, why don't you want to go? Look I love that you don't see this chair anymore, and for the most part, I don't either.
But when I'm around my guys It's just really hard.
Oh, honey No, God, please, uh, don't-don't do that.
People feeling sorry for me That's exactly why I'm not going.
But Adam, it's your call, but I got to tell you, if I avoided places where people felt sorry for me, I'd never leave the house.
Yeah, good, can we just drop it? - Sure.
- Thanks.
But you know And she picked it back up.
Your friends just want to see you, they don't care that you can't jump out a window with your hair on fire.
Which I've done, by the way.
Me, too, I just didn't get paid for it.
(both chuckle) Oh you really think I should go? I think if you don't, you'll regret it.
On the other hand, if I stay, you'll get mad at me and we can have crazy angry sex again.
Or you go, you still get the crazy sex and you get the welcome home sex, which, not to brag, is where I really shine.
Oh, I'm gonna puke.
We're just kissing.
Oh, not you.
Well, maybe you a little.
But carry on, I'm going upstairs to study.
Honey, are you okay? I'm fine, I'm just Oh, my God! Christy! Yeah, sorry, just a little under the weather.
Oh, my God Call 911! Okay, okay.
Christy, honey, talk to me.
Why aren't you calling? - I can't find my phone! - Oh.
There it is.
Am I in heaven? Christy? That would be a no.
Honey, you're in the hospital.
You have pneumonia.
- What? - You passed out.
Really? I haven't done that since I drank.
Weird waking up in a bed that doesn't have a strange guy in it, huh? How's my patient doing? Oh, good, Wendy.
How long am I gonna be here? I have finals tomorrow.
You can forget about that.
You're a very sick girl.
And you, what'd I tell you about the mask? Sorry.
Wendy, please, this is really important.
What's important is for you to stop talking and rest.
- But I really - Quiet! What happened to mousy little Wendy? Yeah, tell me about it.
I saw her smack a lollipop out of a sick kid's hand.
I don't care what she says, I'm leaving.
Where are my clothes? Honey, you need to stay in bed and rest.
Oh, yeah? Make me.
Big bully.
How's she doing? She'll be fine.
You need to go home and pack.
You've got an early flight.
I can't go now.
You need me.
I needed you to get coffee you did.
Now go see your friends.
You sure you're gonna be okay? Call me when you get there.
Will do.
Love you.
Did you hear that? He says he loves me.
Give him time to know you.
He'll get over it.
Hang on.
So did he say "I love you" or "I love ya"? Definitely "you" but no "I.
" So just "love you.
" No, it was "love you.
" "Love you.
" You're not hearing it.
"Love you.
" Isn't that what I did? Doesn't matter.
The important thing is, are you gonna say it back? I don't know.
It's weird.
I've never had a man I like say it first.
I've had them say "love those," "love that," every so often "love it there.
" Jill: Ha! Like we need to be told.
So, what do you think? I think now we can have an open casket.
Wendy: Hold your horses.
Let me just check on 216.
It's Nurse Ratchet.
Masks up.
Please tell me I'm not seeing three visitors in this room at the same time.
Oh, come on, Wendy.
Hospital rules.
Only two visitors at a time.
Somebody's got to go.
You two grab a snack.
I'm not done with Deathbed Barbie.
You're putting makeup on her? I've been wanting to do this since I met her.
Out, out, out, out.
Oh, Christy, what are we gonna do with this mustache? You got to get me out of here.
What?! I have my finals in two hours.
If you don't help me get to that school, I'm gonna be a waitress for the rest of my life.
Oh, Christy, I don't think that's a good idea.
Please, Jill, I'm begging you.
Wendy said you need to rest.
Wendy's a nurse.
She has to say that.
You're my best friend.
You know how much this means to me.
I'm your best friend? You didn't know that? You're number one speed dial on my phone! Okay.
What do you need? Your keys and your coat.
Okay, okay.
Thanks, bestie.
Are you sure you're well enough to drive? - Absolutely.
- Okay.
Well, promise me you'll be careful.
I will.
Thanks.
I owe you.
Christy, wait! I'm a little low on gas.
You mind filling it up on your way back? Sure.
A wash if you have the time! (panting) Oh, boy.
(car alarm chirps) Okay.
I hear you.
I don't see you.
(car alarm chirps) Where are you? (car alarm chirps) No, no, no! Put me down! I have rights! I know 'cause I memorized them! Rat bastard.
I'm sorry, but they forced it out of me! Yeah.
We said, "Where's Christy?" Okay, it was your tone.
It was very threatening.
Okay, everybody out.
She needs rest.
We still besties? (phone chimes) Aw - That Hot Wheels? - Mm-hmm.
He's checking in to see how we're doing.
Oh, sweet.
Here he is with all his stuntman buddies.
Oh, that's a lot of tank tops.
(chuckles) Adam seems like a good guy.
He is.
You thinking of telling him you love him, too? I'm thinking about it, but I'm scared.
Oh, Bonnie, of what? He's already said he loves you.
Well, technically, he said "love you.
" It was "love you.
" - "Love you.
" - No.
"Love you.
" "Love you.
" "Love you.
" "Love you.
" (panting) I did it! I'm finished! (siren wailing) I'm gonna be a lawyer.
That's cool.
I'm studying to be a doctor.
Ooh.
Are you seeing anybody? We could be a power couple.
How's she doing? She'll be all right.
Oh, good.
Can she go home soon? Oh, no.
I think that little stunt bought her a couple more days.
You stupid dope! Christy: I'm sick! Don't yell at me! Why don't you guys go home.
I'm workin' all night.
I'll keep an eye on her.
Christy: Don't leave me with Wendy! She's mean! You want the catheter?! Is that what you want?! 'Cause I'm happy to give you the catheter! Seriously? That makes you happy? A little bit, yeah.
(knocking) Hang on! Hey.
Hey! Welcome back.
(chuckles) How's Christy? Much better.
She's upstairs resting.
- Oh, that's good news.
- Yeah.
So, how was your trip? Tell me everything.
Well, first of all, I need to thank you for making me go.
It was really, really good to see all those guys.
Oh, I'm glad.
And, you know, since we've been hanging out, I couldn't help but notice that some of my friends are stone-cold alcoholics.
Aw, so you were thinkin' about me.
A lot.
I was thinkin' about you, too.
Good things? Really good things.
But tell me more about your trip.
Okay, well, remember my friend Mitch? One-ball Mitch? Yeah.
We just call him Lefty.
So, yesterday, he and I are having a couple of beers for breakfast and By the way, he's one of them.
Anyway, he tells me that he's getting a shot to direct a movie.
Wow, that's exciting.
Yeah.
And he offered me the job as stunt coordinator.
Oh, my God.
That's great! It is.
(laughs) (chuckles) I was sure that I was never gonna work again, and here I got this great opportunity and it is all thanks to you for making me go to that reunion.
Oh, Adam, I am so happy for you.
Oh, wait.
Does that make me your agent? Do I get ten percent of your salary? But here's the thing, I'm gonna be gone for a while.
You'll be in L.
A.
It's only an hour flight.
We'll-we'll make it work.
It shoots in Croatia.
Croatia California? Croatia, Croatia.
You know, just right of Italy.
Oh.
Okay.
How long would you be gone? Five, six months.
Depending on how much Mitch drinks.
That's a long time.
I know, I know.
But, hey, we'll Skype, we'll text.
We'll talk every day.
I mean, that's how we met.
We're great on the phone.
We're better in person.
I know.
I wasn't looking for this.
But I need it.
And I need you, too.
Please tell me we can make this work.
Of course we can.
(chuckles) That's all I want to hear.
Give me a minute.
I'm gonna bring Christy her soup.
Okay.
Hey, Bonnie.
I really appreciate you being so understanding.
Hey, a man's got to work.
I get it.
I'll be right back.
(sighs, sobs) What's going on? He's leaving.
Who's leaving? Adam.
(crying) Oh, Mom.
What'd you do?