Mom s04e17 Episode Script

Black Mold and an Old Hot Dog

1 Hi, Bonnie, alcoholic.
GROUP: Hi, Bonnie.
Well, (sighs) as if being a single mom wasn't stressful enough (softly): What? I'm also the manager of an apartment building.
Anyway, the owners of the building have started this thing called an "annual performance evaluation," which is worrisome 'cause, uh no one in the building really likes me.
So, I called Marjorie and she said, (imitating Marjorie): "Bonnie, nothing changes "if nothing changes.
"Just do one thing different and see what happens.
" - Do I really sound like that? - No.
So, starting today when a tenant asks me to fix something, I'm gonna give 'em this finger instead of the one I want to give 'em.
- Who'd like to go next? - I will.
- Hi, I'm Jill, I'm an alcoholic.
- GROUP: Hi, Jill.
Well, I have my final meeting with my caseworker today, where they tell me if I'm approved to be a foster parent.
I've done everything they asked I put a big ugly fence around my pool, childproofed my whole kitchen.
It takes me ten minutes to get a damn cracker.
I am terrified.
I want this so bad.
I called Marjorie about it.
She said, (imitating Marjorie): "Jill, you are in the actions business.
God is in the results business.
" - You sure I don't sound like that? - Not at all.
So, I guess we'll see what God's got in mind this afternoon at 1:30.
Wouldn't hurt if y'all said a little prayer for me.
Thank you.
If you want, I'll go to your appointment with you.
- You'd do that? - Of course.
It's like Marjorie always says, (imitating Marjorie): "Christy, in this program, we never have to do anything alone.
" You don't really sound like that.
WOMAN: Excuse me, sweetie, are you here with a grown-up? I am a grown-up.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were a foster child.
If you have a spare mother, I'm open to it! - Hey, what'd they say? - Let's just go.
Wait, what happened? They turned me down.
Why? My caseworker thinks I haven't been sober long enough.
I can apply again in a year.
Oh, Jill.
I'm not saying I'm gonna do it, but this is kind of a Xanax moment.
No, hold on.
This isn't right.
Wait here.
Hey! You listen to me.
You are making a gigantic mistake turning down Jill Kendall.
We're both in AA and I can tell you she is totally committed to her sobriety.
Thank you.
And she will make one hell of a foster mother! There's a poor little child out there who needs her, and shame on you for standing in the way! Shame! Theme - Sorry I'm late.
- Where have you been? Managing a 32-unit apartment building.
Some of us work for a living, Wendy.
I'm an emergency room nurse.
And I actually help people.
Case in point, Mrs.
Slivkin in 2E now has a working light fixture in her bathroom.
Ignoring her took six months, fixing it took six minutes.
There's a lesson in there somewhere.
(phone rings) (groans) It's my caseworker.
What does she want, to reject me again? (ringing continues) Hey, Barbara, what's up? That's amazing.
Your crazy little outburst changed her mind.
You should have seen me.
I actually spit a little.
Really, already? They have a child for me.
- Awesome.
- That's great.
- Wow.
- Uh-huh.
- It's a little girl named Emily.
- Oh, I always wanted a girl.
Oh, that's perfect.
She's 14 months old.
- Oh - Oh Baby shower.
Excuse me, what? 14 years old.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
I'm sorry, can I call you right back? (clears throat) Thanks.
Teenage girl, she's bounced around the system for a while, dad's gone, mom's an addict.
She sounds like our people.
- What are you thinking? - I don't know.
I mean, this whole time, I've only pictured myself with a baby.
I can't dress a teenage girl like a bumblebee and make it my Christmas card.
But think about all the good you can do for this girl.
Yeah, I lived this.
No one wants an older foster kid.
You're like one of those hot dogs at the gas station that's been on the roller too long.
You have a chance to do something wonderful here.
You can help this girl not turn into an old hot dog like my mom.
Do you have to give 'em an answer right away? No, the next step would be to meet and see if we like each other.
I guess I can do that much.
(phone chimes) - Damn it.
- What? Slivkin.
I fixed the light in her bathroom, now she can see the black mold in her shower.
No good deed, huh? Siri, what is black mold? What do you think? Does this say fun foster mom? It says Prince died and all I got was this lousy hat.
It's not really you.
What about now? Take the hat off, Jill.
(groaning): Oh, God.
Now that this thing is starting to get real, I'm totally freaking out.
I don't even know what she should call me.
I mean, I'm not her mom, "Jill" sounds too familiar, and "Mama Jill" sounds like I run a whorehouse.
You were a foster kid.
What'd you call the people who took you in? Unlucky.
So, where are you meeting this girl? My caseworker's bringing her to the bistro.
It's like the scariest first date of my life and I went out with Dennis Rodman.
Okay, we need to come back to that eventually.
But, for today, just relax.
Talk about clothes and boys.
It's your wheelhouse.
In a lot of ways, you are a 14-year-old girl.
You always know just what to say.
So, how's it going with all the tenants evaluating your performance? How do you think it's going, Christy? Sorry.
On the plus side, I have learned a lot about myself.
Really? Like what? Well, apparently, your mother rubs people the wrong way.
I was surprised, too.
Then, I read some of the reports.
They let you see them? I may have steamed open a couple envelopes.
And get this: people described me as "lazy, untrustworthy," and in one memorable instance, "a useless broomstick with hair.
" Ouch.
(chuckles) Hey, one tenant called you my pet mouse.
That's so mean, I didn't do anything.
Oh, stop squeaking.
So, what's gonna happen? If you lose this job, we lose the apartment.
Thanks, I'd actually forgotten that for a couple of minutes.
Hang on.
Siri, remind me to pick up mousetraps on the way home.
- (laughs) - What? "Broomstick with hair.
" (phone rings) It's Jill.
- Are you gonna answer it? - Kind of have to.
I just want to thank you guys again for being here with me.
She's thanking us for being here.
I can hear her.
You sure you don't want to sit with us? You'll be fine.
We're right here if you need us.
Oh, my God, they're here.
Just remember, boys and shopping.
Or cigarettes and shoplifting.
Hi, Barbara.
Hey, Emily, I'm Jill.
What's your name? - Emily.
- (laughs) Right, of course, sorry.
Uh, please, sit.
I'm a little nervous.
This is my first whatever this is.
Not mine.
Emily's been in the foster system for quite some time now.
How do you like it? Hang on, I have a hat for you.
Oh, not the hat.
So, tell me about yourself.
What do like to do? Um, I don't know, draw and read, like, graphic novels.
Graphic? Like dirty books? No.
Uh, graphic novels are basically comic books, maybe a little more sophisticated.
Oh, I read Archie when I was your age.
Betty or Veronica, who's he gonna choose? Archie was a comic book about teenagers.
And the challenging problems they face, like "who am I gonna take to the prom?" Why don't you tell her about the graphic novel you're working on.
It's kind of a post-apocalyptic doomsday story.
Oh, neat.
Is there a prom in it? Oh, that girl's not gonna pick me.
I've watched The Bachelor enough to know I'm not getting a rose.
Ah, come on, there's always hope.
We were there.
No rose.
So, it didn't work out with this young lady.
You'll take what you learned and use it moving forward.
Yeah, well, I'm hoping for a baby next time.
When babies don't like you, they have the decency to keep it to themselves.
Don't be so sure.
This one's first words were, "Leave me alone.
" I think it was, "Love me," but it's interesting that's what you heard.
(cell phone rings) Hey, Barbara.
Listen, I know that didn't go well, but I am gonna take what I learned and use it moving forward.
I'm sorry, what? Oh.
Emily picked me! - Mama Jill's in the house! - Way to go.
- Congratulations.
- Yay! Okay, so, do I come pick her up or do you guys deliver? Dear God, she thinks this is Amazon Prime.
Yeah, that's great.
See you soon.
I got to go.
They're dropping her off in two hours.
Son of a bitch, it is Amazon Prime.
- What's this? - Plan B.
I'm baking my famous banana bread for all the tenants.
It was only famous 'cause you put hash in it.
What was plan A? Doing my job, but I'd need a time machine for that.
You think banana bread's gonna change people's minds? No, banana bread gets me in the door then I win them over with my natural charm and mastery of hypnosis.
- Oh, God, we're moving again.
- Yeah, maybe.
Where are you going? Over to Jill's, see how her first night went with her foster kid.
It was awkward and awful.
- You talked to her already? - Didn't have to, I lived it.
Every foster's first night is like that.
Well, I can still help.
I've got experience.
I could write a book about raising a teenage girl.
What would you call it? "My Own Daughter Doesn't Speak to Me, But Here's What You Should Do?" Oh, and what would you call yours? "I'm Sure I Had a Kid Around Here Somewhere.
" Yeah.
It's not my fault you kept taking your leash off.
So, how was your first night? A little rocky.
The One Direction bedspread did not go over well.
I tried to tell you.
- She must've liked the heated pool.
- I guess.
I'm still learning how to interpret her grunts.
Oh, yeah, 14-year-old girl.
"How was your day?" (grunts) "How was school?" (grunts) It's like living with somebody trapped under a rock.
Oh, hey, there she is.
- How'd you sleep? - (grunts) Can I get something to drink? You don't have to ask.
You live here.
Emily, this is my friend, Christy.
Christy, Emily.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Got any Gatorade? Oh, I'm so sorry, no, but I do have coconut water.
Do you like coconut water? I don't know.
Does it taste like coconuts? With a whisper of urine.
(whispering): You got a smile.
I'm taking an orange juice.
Are you hungry? I can have Soledad make you breakfast.
Pancakes, quiche, huevos rancheros.
She makes an egg white veggie frittata that'll make you think you're in the promised land.
(whispering): Please make me stop talking.
Come and sit down with us.
Yeah, come on.
Let's chat.
So, you like Rick and Morty, huh? Yeah.
I got into it because of my son, but now I love it, too.
(burps loudly) (laughs) (laughs nervously) What's happening? And when I close this door, you will wake up, feel refreshed and like me.
Ooh, Mr.
Munson, hang on, let me get that bicycle out of your way.
Oh, well, uh, thank you, Bonnie.
That's what I'm here for.
Uh, everything okay in your apartment? You need anything fixed, replaced, hauled off? What's wrong with you, you back on the drugs? No, sir, I'm just trying to do my job.
This have something to do with that tenant evaluation they called me about? Did you talk to them? Not yet.
All right, let's cut to the chase.
What do you want, old man? Pam Grier.
- Within reason.
- A woman who tells me she's Pam Grier.
How about banana bread and a back rub? Deal.
Come on in.
Emily, these drawings are amazing.
- You're really talented.
- Yeah, talented.
What's the story? Yes, I, too, would like to know.
I don't have it all figured out, but it's about this girl after, like, an atomic war, and she has to learn how to survive on her own.
Well, now that's depressing.
- I think it's cool.
- Depressing and cool.
- So, what happens to her? - I was just gonna ask that.
- She probably dies.
- Now, that's cool.
- No, that's depressing.
- Oh, I give up.
Excuse me.
- (quietly): What's going on? - Christy, I can't do this.
You should just take her home with you.
I already have a daughter I screwed up.
This one's yours.
But it's so awkward.
I have nothing in common with her.
So what? She needs a home, she doesn't need a buddy.
I know, but I really want her to like me.
Then you shouldn't have signed up to be a mom.
Hey, how about, how about you and Bonnie come live here and help me with her? We might have to take you up on that.
Let's see how the banana bread goes.
Oh, great.
Now I don't know what you're talking about.
Christy, this was a mistake.
When people don't like me at first, they never like me.
I don't have a chance with her.
That's not true.
I didn't like you at first.
You didn't? Nope.
I thought you were self-obsessed and spoiled and your teeth were so white it made me angry.
But then I got to know you, and now I can't imagine my life without you in it.
Now, go out there and keep talking to her until you find some way to connect.
I'm sorry, I just can't.
Do you want me to leave? I can call my caseworker.
I want you to stay very much.
I'm just so bad at this.
I think you're doing okay.
- Really? - (grunts) Did you hear what she said? She thinks I'm doing okay.
I have never once heard that from my daughter.
Hang in there.
Hey, Violet, it's your mother.
Just checking in, haven't heard from you in awhile.
I thought maybe you and Luke might want to come over for dinner on Sunday, unless you broke up with him, in which case, bring the new guy.
Love you, bye.
What's going on here? Just chilling with my favorite tenant.
(chuckles) Okay.
Hi, Beverly.
You're still gonna wax me, right? Yeah.
So, Jill, how's it going with your foster kid? (grunts) I'm sorry, what? That's teenager for "okay.
" Now, you see what happens when you Oh, God, I do sound like that.
(cell phone chimes) Yes! Thank you, God! You passed the evaluation? Close enough.
I'm on probation! - Congratulations.
- Wow.
- Probation party! - What did you do to turn it around? A lot of things I'm ashamed of! Waitress, a round of hot water and lemon for my friends!