Mom s04e21 Episode Script

A Few Thongs and a Hawaiian Funeral

1 Man, just looking at this thing makes me miss cocaine.
Sadly, I can remember you wearing one of those to my second grade spelling bee.
Excuse me, but you were the only eight-year-old who could spell "inappropriate" Guys, look at these cute bras Emily picked out.
Can you please stop saying "bra"? Would you rather I say "brassiere"? Brassiere.
B-R-A-S-S-I-E-R-E.
Brassiere.
Yeah.
I think there's a "Z" in there, but nice try.
Here, let's go try 'em on.
You're coming in the dressing room with me? Oh, honey, God gave us boobies.
It's nothing to be shy about.
Tell her the truth.
Dr.
Feingold gave you those boobies, and that nose.
Go ahead, Emily.
Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh.
I bet Adam would love to see me in this.
That's not your size.
Excuse me.
I'm 52 years old.
I think I know my bra size.
(chuckles) Neither of those things are true.
Try this one.
Fine, but when I'm floppin' around like two kittens in a sack, I expect an apology.
(gasps) These are cute.
Em, how are you fixed for panties? EMILY: Please stop talking! BONNIE: I'll take a few thongs if you're buying! She's too old for thongs.
We're just happy she's wearing underwear now.
I hope Emily's having a good time.
Do you think she's having a good time? Of course she is.
She's acting embarrassed, but she's having a blast.
You've made a big difference in her life.
Thanks.
She's made a big difference in mine.
Her mom still in rehab? Yeah, we're supposed to go see her tomorrow.
I hope it doesn't set Emily back.
She'll be okay.
It's her mom.
Will you look at these! The bra troll nailed it! Inappropriate.
I-N-A-P-P-R-O-P-R-I-A-T-E.
Inappropriate.
- Notice anything different about me? - Oh, boy, not this game.
Um your hair, your skin, you lost weight, you gained weight.
Whatever it is, I love it.
- I got a new bra.
- And I love it.
You want to see it? Um maybe we should save it for make-up sex.
But we're not fighting.
Wait for it.
- What did you do? - (laughs): Nothing.
But I need a favor.
Uh-huh.
I have to go to a funeral, and I was hoping that you'd watch my dog for a couple of days.
Who died? A woman that was like a second mother to me.
Well, why would we fight about that? Of course I'll watch your dog.
Thank you.
But why isn't he staying with your ex-wife? Okay, here we go.
Well, she will also be at the funeral.
Interesting.
And why is that? It was her mother who died.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Like I said, we were really close.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And why can't you just go for the day and come back? Where is this funeral? I want to say Detroit, but I have to say Hawaii.
Oh, come on! You're going with your ex-wife to Hawaii?! - For a funeral.
- In Hawaii.
For a funeral.
- In Hawaii.
- Okay.
I feel like this could go on for a long time.
You're wrong.
It's over.
I will happily watch your dog.
We are not gonna fight about this.
- Well, we kind of already did.
- No, that wasn't a fight.
Well, you wouldn't let the Hawaii thing go.
- It's Hawaii! - For a funeral! Whoa, you happy?! We're fighting now! Hawaii.
For a funeral.
Don't take his side.
Everybody knows funerals lead to sex.
The crying, the grieving It's all foreplay.
I didn't know that.
I lost my virginity at a funeral.
It was great.
Hey, this is the part where you guys tell me I'm being insane and have nothing to worry about.
Bonnie, you're being insane, and there's nothing to worry about.
Don't just repeat it back to me.
Okay, how's this? Adam and Danielle may be sharing an emotional experience.
Near a big, shiny, black coffin.
But he asked you to take care of his furry, flatulent, 16-year-old dog who has a taste for underwear.
- It does show that he loves you.
- Exactly.
Totally.
Good, good, this is what I was looking for.
It's gonna be fine.
As long as nothing happens to the dog.
Isn't there a pallbearer around here you could hump? I wish.
It really was great.
Hey.
Hey.
How'd it go with Emily and her mom? Oh, I didn't take her.
We went to a movie instead.
What do you mean you didn't take her? Well, it wasn't my idea.
Emily said she didn't want to go, so what was I supposed to do, make her? Yes.
That's the definition of parenting: forcing kids to do things they don't want to do.
BONNIE: It's true.
Remember when you were little and were afraid to go to sleep without the light on? But I got you through it.
You're gonna take a bow for not paying the electric bill? I'm sorry, but Emily opened up to me about her mom.
That woman's not trying to get sober.
She's just using rehab as a "get out of jail free" card.
Jill, I think it's great you're concerned about Emily, but aren't these visits mandatory? Yeah, they could take her away from you if you don't do it.
Well, then maybe I'll take her someplace where nobody can find us.
That's called kidnapping.
How about Hawaii? I need some eyes on the ground there.
What? She's nervous about Adam going to Hawaii with his ex-wife for a funeral.
Oh, and she should be.
Funerals are basically orgies with a cold, stiff guy in the corner.
Amen, sister.
Yeah, you like me better than his mean old ex-wife.
Yes, you do.
Yes, you What's this? Christy? Christy, get down here! What? What's the matter? - He's got a lump.
- So? Well, I don't think he had it before he got here.
He grew a lump in two hours? I think so.
I don't know.
Here, touch it.
- I'm not touching it.
- Touch the lump! Yeah, that's a lump.
What should we do? I don't know.
I never had a dog 'cause my mom never got me one.
Oh, please.
Dogs are for good children.
What do you want me to say? If you're worried, take him to the vet.
(sighs) Life was going so good.
Now my boyfriend's rubbing suntan lotion on his ex-wife's back, and I'm taking his lumpy dog to the vet.
- Mom? - Yeah? If it makes you feel better, your life was never going good.
I really appreciate you squeezing us in.
I'm worried sick.
It's not a problem.
Uh, who referred you? Nobody.
You just had a friendly face on Yelp.
Oh, thanks.
It's also my Tinder picture.
Well you can relax.
Lump's just fatty tissue.
It's very common in dogs his age.
So he's not gonna die? Well, we're all gonna die.
I mean by Sunday at 8:00? I think you're okay.
(sighs): Great.
So I'm assuming no problem, no charge? Oh, no, there's a charge.
Really? You basically just petted him.
With hands that were stupid enough to buy a boat.
- Check okay? - Sure.
Boy, you thought you regretted buying a boat.
This place gives me the creeps.
Reminds me of when I was in rehab.
Really? 'Cause when I visited you in rehab, the pool boy led me out to your cabana.
Doesn't mean it wasn't hard.
That pool was not heated.
Here they come.
Hey, Jill.
My mom wanted to say hi.
Hey, it's nice to meet you.
Get over here, you.
Thank you so much for taking care of my girl.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
Emily didn't tell me you were such a knockout.
How come you didn't have any kids of your own? Well, I'm divorced, and we just never I'm kidding.
You're smart.
Keep that hot body.
Hi, I'm Christy, Jill's friend.
Natasha.
Hey, you look familiar.
You must be thinking about that frying pan commercial.
Everyone says I look like the woman who gets her eggs to slide out super easy.
That's not it.
Did you ever dance at Live Nudes? Uh, it was a long time ago.
But they still use my picture in the print ads.
I used to work there, too.
I bet we slid down the same pole.
Oh, excuse me! (chuckles) Child in the room.
Relax.
This one knows I stripped.
I learned my numbers counting singles.
Sweetie, why don't we go get something from the vending machine? Don't get the Cheetos; they never fall.
Wow, this is so wild.
You know, I'm suing that club.
You still work there? No, I hit 40, they put me on the breakfast shift.
Ooh.
That's right.
Age discrimination.
And look at that ass.
That's hard as a rock.
Go on, slap it.
I believe you.
Slap it.
Ow.
Very firm.
(chuckles) That's right.
You can crack a walnut on that thing.
(chuckles) Hey, hey, hey.
Remember how I always wanted to be a singer? Honestly, I don't really remember the '90s.
I'm just now catching up on Friends.
(imitates Joey): "How you doin'?" I'm good.
Anyway, I met this guy who knows a record producer in L.
A.
, and as soon as I get down there, he'll help me make a demo.
A guy who knows a guy in L.
A.
That's how I wound up auditioning for a "movie.
" So, how's it going in here? You liking sobriety? Come on, Christy, nobody likes sobriety.
I do.
I've got four years and I love it.
Get out.
You? I remember watching you spin around the pole while you were vomiting.
You were like a lawn sprinkler.
Not a good day to be a Japanese businessman.
But now I'm in college, studying to be a lawyer.
- Really? - Yeah.
You can pretty much do anything once you're sober.
As long as you're in here, why not give it a real try? Oh, I have tried.
Well, how about this time I help you? You know, we can talk, work the steps, go to meetings.
- You would do that? - Hey, we're pole pals.
I think we made out once.
Here's my number.
Call me.
Natasha, I got you a bunch of sugar snacks.
You can probably trade them for some cigarettes.
Thank you.
Hey, great news, baby.
Christy's gonna help me get out of here so you and me can move to L.
A.
How long were we gone? - Home.
- BONNIE: Kitchen.
What's going on? I'm trying to get him to take his pill, but he keeps spitting it out.
Did you try hiding it in something? I tried hamburger, cheese, peanut butter, and somehow he spits it out every time.
He's like a street magician.
You gave the dog my hamburger? At this point, I'd give him a $100 if he'd swallow the damn pill.
Come on, Samson, please? Don't you want your blood pressure regulated? (gruff voice): "Well, in a perfect world, I'd rather be licking my balls" I am not amused.
That's because you're dead inside.
Give me that.
(ringtone playing) Hello? Hey, Natasha, what's going on? Calm down, calm down.
- (gasps) It's working.
He's eating it.
- Hang on.
Okay, just sit tight.
I'll be right there.
Is everything all right? Emily's mom is freaking out.
I got to go.
Oh, are you kidding me? You spit it out again? Samson, you're making me crazy.
(gruff voice): "Sorry, I'm just trying to keep your mind off Adam banging his ex-wife in Hawaii.
" I tried everything.
I even ground it up to see if he'd snort it.
You know, like the kids do with their drugs.
Anyway, I defy you to get a pill in this dog.
There you go.
No, no, give it a minute; he'll spit it out.
All right, remind me the name I used on the last check I gave you.
It's not safe here; you got to get me out.
What happened? Okay, so I was singing, you know, doing my warm-ups.
That stupid meth head I share a room with told me to shut up, so I smacked her, and for no reason, she bit me.
Just your luck, you found a meth head with teeth.
Story of my life.
So I was thinking, how about I go grab my Uggs and cassette deck and crash with you for a while? (chuckles) That's funny.
Why? My mom said the same thing to me four years ago.
Come on, you said you were gonna help me.
I can't get sober here.
These people are crazy.
The people here aren't the problem, you are the problem.
You got that off the poster in the bathroom.
Natasha, you need to trust me on this.
You're still detoxing, which means every single thought you have is wrong and bad.
- But I'm just - Wrong.
- I understand - Bad! You're not even trying to hear what I'm ! Wrong and bad! And if you keep talking, I'm gonna throw in "stupid" See, Samson, this is you.
Oh, look, the check bouncer's back.
- It's cute you think that insults me.
- Hmm.
So, what's not the problem now? He's breathing a little funny.
Ah, he's 16 years old; it's a miracle he's breathing at all.
You know, at this point, I'm actually a little more worried about you.
- I'm fine.
- Ah.
My boyfriend just asked me to take care of his dog while he's at a funeral with his ex-wife in Hawaii, - so that's what I'm doing.
- Hawaii? - For a funeral.
- But Hawaii? I know.
Who dies in Hawaii? You know, I think I see what's happening.
You're worried about your boyfriend, and you're transferring that anxiety to the dog.
- I hate how much sense that makes.
- Hmm.
Plus, he never would've left his dog with you unless he loved you and trusted you.
My daughter said the same thing, but somehow it's easier to trust a total stranger.
(chuckles softly) Thank you.
You're welcome.
What do I owe you? Oh, I don't know, how about a million dollars? - Okay, just don't cash it till Friday.
- Ah.
No, Natasha, that's wrong.
Yeah, still wrong.
That's okay.
You're gonna be wrong for about five years.
All right, bye-bye.
What did she want to do? Host a casino night at the rehab - and get everybody's disability checks.
- Oh.
Tried it.
It's a bitch cashing them.
At least she asked before she did it.
That's progress.
I know.
I really think I'm helping her.
- Good for you.
- Yeah, terrific.
Problem, Jill? No, no problem.
I just don't see why Christy has to slap her little sober cape on and save the world.
What are you talking about? I'm trying to help another alcoholic.
Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn't.
Don't look at me like that.
You all know Emily's better off with me.
That woman has chosen drinking over her daughter a million times.
She does not deserve to get her back.
Hey, you just described me four years ago.
Are you saying I didn't deserve to keep my kids? I'm not talking about you.
You're talking about someone exactly like me.
And if someone hadn't helped me, I would've lost them.
You're welcome.
Talking about Marjorie, Mom.
Fine, help Natasha.
And when they take Emily away from me and that woman puts her through hell and she gets stuck in another foster home, you can feel real proud of yourself.
You were in rehab over and over, and we never gave up on you 'cause we don't throw people away! For the record, I'm not storming out.
I'm just leaving 'cause she's my ride.
Okay, so here's where you write down everyone you resent in your life.
And then, you write everything they did to you.
And then, most important, you write down the part you played in it.
But I didn't do anything.
Natasha, you're in a rehab, your kid's in foster care and you had to get a tetanus shot because a meth head bit you on your punching hand.
You sure you didn't do anything? You think I'm a terrible person, don't you? I think you're a person who's done terrible things.
Just like I have.
But I got better and so can you.
I so want to make out with you right now.
But I think it might be a bad idea.
Look at you, growing, learning.
Hi, Mom.
Baby, I didn't know you were coming today.
Well, we were getting our nails done nowhere near here, so we thought we'd swing by.
Thank you.
This is real thoughtful.
Hey, I remember how lonely rehab can be.
You were in rehab? Four times.
Hers had a spa and sushi.
Well, it was just a masseuse and a hot tub.
And we only had sushi on Wednesdays.
But I was still scared and wanted to drink every day.
CHRISTY: And look at her now.
She hasn't driven a Maserati into a dry cleaners in three years.
Yeah, without Christy's help, I never would've made it.
Yeah, I'm in good hands with Bambi here.
Bambi? It was my stripper name.
You named yourself after a baby deer who watched his mom get her head blown off? I had the big eyes.
Hey, you came back! (laughs) - Hey baby - Mmmm! - I missed you so much! - I missed you, too.
- Any problems with Samson? - He was fine.
So easy.
I want to watch him every time you go away with your ex-wife.
So was it fun? I mean, not fun, but how was it? Okay, I guess.
98-year-old women should not have an open casket.
But I did have a chance to buy you a little something.
You shouldn't have.
Give it.
- (laughs) - (gasps) Oh, my God.
I love it.
I got to tell you, Bon, after three days with my ex-wife, I have never been more happy that you're my girl.
Okay, now, that is the real gift.
(both sigh) So how about you show me that bra I didn't get a chance to see.
Certainly.
Samson, Daddy's home.
Yesterday, on our walk, I picked up the matching panties - with a pooper scooper.
- ‭Hmm.