Mom s05e04 Episode Script

Fancy Crackers And Giant Women

1 Can I just say what a miracle duct tape is? It is literally holding this building together.
Why do you even bother with that toolbox? Well, 'cause I need scissors to cut the tape.
What are you doing? Filling out law school applications.
Stanford? Oh, honey.
This is you thinking you had a shot with Matt Dillon all over again.
Hey, we had some serious eye contact at the supermarket.
He was memorizing your face for the police report.
Well, I'm not actually applying to Stanford.
I just picked up the brochure to make the other applications nervous.
Well, why not send it in? Maybe they have a quota for bitter, lonely, middle-aged alcoholics.
We can hope.
But meanwhile, each application ends up costing like $200.
And everyone applies to at least three or four schools.
- Oh.
- Oh? What's that supposed to mean? I shouldn't apply to law school? I'm not gonna get anywhere, so why even bother? All I said was, Oh.
Sometimes I forget how much craziness - you're lugging around in that coconut.
- Ugh.
(sighs) I'm sorry.
This is stressful.
Maybe I should just pick one school and pray I get accepted.
Oh, come on.
This is your future.
Don't cheap out.
We'll just cut back on some extravagances.
What extravagances? Yesterday I had to sew a poorly located hole in my underwear.
Well okay, how about those fancy crackers you buy? Again, Ritz Crackers are not fancy.
You're just fooled by the name.
Well, there's got to be something.
What's our biggest bill? Probably cable and Internet.
We're not stealing cable? What has happened to us? We became better people and that's very expensive.
Okay, well, let's give up cable and Internet for a few months.
Really? You'd do that for me? Thanks.
Now I can apply to all of them.
Oh.
- Even Stanford? - Ugh.
I don't think so.
Why set myself up for getting my heart broken? (sighs) Well, if you change your mind and your heart does break, duct tape.
I'm just saying, I've now given up pot, pills, cocaine, alcohol and most illegal activities, but nothing has kicked my ass like quitting the Internet.
No Facebook.
No Twitter.
Ugh.
My 36 followers are probably worried sick about me.
But Que sera.
I'm doing this for my daughter because sobriety has transformed me into a thoughtful, generous, deeply empathic being.
Not to mention humble.
I was too humble to say it, so thank you.
Thank you all.
Would anyone else like to share? I'll go.
Hi, I'm Natasha and I'm an alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Natasha.
I got to tell you guys, since I started taking sobriety seriously, great things keep happening.
I got a job.
I got an apartment.
I got my daughter back.
And then last night, I met this guy, and I told him I'm a songwriter, and guess what.
It turns out he's a big deal in the music business and wants to help me.
How unbelievable is that? Entirely unbelievable.
Anyway, he says he's gonna listen to my demo and get right back to me.
She can't be this naive.
And if he likes it, he's gonna fly me down to L.
A.
for the weekend to lay down some tracks.
Something's gonna get laid down, but it ain't tracks.
I get it.
You're skeptical.
Without Internet, it's like I'm much more aware of the people around me and I must say, I don't like it.
On behalf of the people around you, right back at you.
I'm worried about Jill.
Has anyone heard from her? I texted her to see if she was going to the meeting today, but she said she was busy.
- She blew me off, too.
- Well, that doesn't prove anything.
Ever since Emily moved back with Natasha, Jill hasn't been herself.
Are you referring to the 800 pounds she's packed on? Don't be mean.
It's not mean when I say it behind her back.
Wendy, would you rather I say horrible things to you or behind your back? I'd rather you didn't say anything.
Come on.
Pick one, stupid.
Behind my back.
MARJORIE: Ladies.
A friend of ours is in a tough situation and we have to be patient, caring and supportive.
Oh, dear Lord.
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has entered the building.
Hey, hey.
(laughs) What do you think? (all groaning nervously) - Very striking.
- Thank you.
Is this why you couldn't make the meeting? Yeah, but it's okay.
All the stuff I would've said in the meeting, I said to my stylist.
- It's not the same thing.
- Tell me about it.
Weird to talk about yourself and no one claps when you're done.
Jill, you need to keep going to meetings.
I know, but I thought since I got sober, my life's supposed to get bigger and bigger.
Don't.
(sighs) You know, I can't remember the last time I read something printed on paper.
- It's weird, right? - Yeah.
I keep trying to make it bigger, but nothing happens.
Well, I'm enjoying being unplugged.
No more friends on Facebook rubbing my nose in their fancy vacations.
Oh, I know.
Then you think about driving to their house, breaking in and stealing all their stuff.
- No? - No.
Ooh, be right back.
Holy crap.
She's the one who stole my iPod when I went to Reno.
Oh, hey there, Beverly.
No chitchat till my hall light stops flickering.
Consider it done.
Hey, while I got you, I need to update tenant information - for the building owners.
- What do you need? Oh, the usual, you know.
Your mother's maiden name, street you grew up on, name of your first pet, stuff like that.
Why would they need that? Why do they need first and last month's rent? It's all nonsense to me.
I get it.
You're trying to crack my Wi-Fi password.
(laughing) Beverly, you were probably the funniest kid in your elementary school, which was ? Fine.
You want to play this game? My mother's maiden name is Bautista; I grew up on Front Street, and my cat was named Rascal.
You still won't figure it out.
Oh, come on.
Beverly, you're acting crazy.
(under breath): Bautista, Front, Rascal, Bautista, Front, Rascal.
In closing, as the neglected child of a transgender woman, I think I can bring a unique perspective to the University of Idaho.
Ah, that ought to put me on top of the pile.
- (knock on door) - Hey, you got a minute? Not really, but we both know you're coming in anyway.
Okay.
So, the guy I met, his name is Teddy Blumenthal, but everybody calls him Dr.
Ted 'cause he's a big deal in the music business and he played a doctor on a soap opera once.
Anyway, he really liked my demo and he wants to fly me down to L.
A.
- Stop.
- What? Sit.
Natasha, I'm the last person who wants to crush anybody's dreams, but this Dr.
Ted isn't who you think he is.
Most likely he just wants to sleep with you.
No, no, I specifically asked him about that.
He said he didn't.
Yeah, they say that.
Next thing you know, he's got his hand down your pants in the bathroom at a Chili's.
Why is it so hard for you to believe that I'm a good songwriter and this guy just wants to help me? Because men don't just help women.
Have you never watched Dateline? I should've known you were gonna be like this.
You don't want anybody to succeed 'cause your life sucks.
Hey.
I am one step away from getting into law school at the University of the Yucatán Peninsula.
And if you didn't want my honest opinion, why'd you come over here? 'Cause I'm terrified and I thought my friend and sponsor might give me a little support.
And I need to borrow a roller bag.
Yeah, well, I don't have a roller bag.
Of course you don't 'cause you ain't going nowhere.
Oh, God.
Why am I tormented by these giant women? Hey, what are we watching? - Dancing with the Stars.
- Oh, good.
Wish they could open their curtains a little more.
Who is that dancing? I think it's Greta Van Susteren.
Maybe Owen Wilson? You think I'm being too hard on Natasha? Let me think about it.
Yes.
I didn't mean to discourage her.
- I just don't want her to get hurt.
- I get it.
But you got to remember, pain and suffering is what makes people interesting.
(cell phone chimes) Well Oh.
- Speaking of which - What? Jill is having a meltdown at Neiman Marcus.
See? Everything about that's interesting.
I'll get the keys.
Hey, what do you know? It wasn't Greta or Owen.
It was the kid from Hanson.
Oh, hi.
Uh, we're looking for our friend, Jill Kendall.
She shops here a lot.
A lot of women shop here a lot.
Big girl, might be weeping.
Room four.
- Jill, you in there? - JILL: Yeah.
- Can we come in? - Okay.
(crying) What's going on? I've been shopping here for 20 years, and now nothing fits.
Well, maybe you just need a bigger size.
There are no bigger sizes.
Even the socks are a little snug.
(crying) Jill, there are other stores we could take you to.
Yeah, how about Target? Target? Why do you hate me? We don't hate you, we love you.
If you loved me, you would've said something before I turned into this.
We assumed you knew.
Yeah, and we thought you were okay with it.
You were always bragging about how you were picking up all these guys.
I lied.
The only men in my life were Little Caesar and Papa John.
(knock on door) SALESWOMAN: Ladies, everything okay in there? Can I get you some champagne? We can't have any champagne because we love our sobriety and our lives are finally on track! Jill, honey, the program isn't just about meetings and bad coffee.
You also have to do the work.
You know, you have to dig down, try to discover the reasons you do what you do.
I know.
I just don't want to.
You guys know she's got a soft serve machine back there? Nothing like soft serve to make you happy.
Mom, please, not the time.
Sorry.
Want a lick? A quick one.
Jill, you've got a hole inside.
You've had it your entire life.
You tried to fill it with drugs and alcohol, sex And an ice cream machine.
What? It had to have played a role.
But there's nothing that you can buy or eat or sleep with that's gonna fix the real problem.
Well, all I know is I got to do something different because what I've been doing sure ain't working.
That's a good start.
I think I'm gonna get me one of those.
The middle handle makes it a swirly.
I worked at a Dairy Queen.
Odd thing to be smug about.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I brought you an apology pizza.
My mom took a slice when I wasn't looking, so I guess two apologies.
Come on in.
So, how'd it go in L.
A.
? - The truth? - Bring it.
It was fantastic! You were so wrong.
Really? Completely, totally, embarrassingly wrong.
Here, look, Dr.
Ted sold one of my songs.
This is an advance.
He told me my prognosis was famous.
This is just for one song? And you weren't at any point naked? Ooh, that's another thing you were wrong about.
Dr.
Ted, super gay.
Like, lots of young guys around his pool gay.
You sure he wasn't just pretending to be gay so he could get you into bed? Oh, that doesn't work on me anymore.
So it all worked out? It did, and Emily loved it there.
I mean, she got an epic sunburn and looks like a Jolly Rancher, but she's excited about moving.
Wait, you're moving? Yeah, we're gonna give L.
A.
a try.
Uh, Natasha, that that's wonderful.
Your dreams are really coming true.
Well, isn't that why you have dreams? (sighs) Damn it.
What? Thanks to you, I have to apply to Stanford.
Stanford? That's a really hard school to get into, isn't it? What are you saying? Well, I just don't want your feelings to get hurt if they don't Oh, my God, I get it! That's what you were doing to me.
You only seem like a bitch 'cause you love me.
Yeah, well, that's all I was trying to Shh, shh, shh, shh.
My creative juices are flowing.
You only seem like a bitch 'cause you love me You only seem like a bitch 'cause you care You only seem like a bitch 'cause you love me With your big eyes and your stringy blonde hair.
Don't worry, that's not about you.
Ooh, I got to write that down.
(laughing) She gonna join us at some point? Not as long as the Wi-Fi here works.
Give her a Ziploc full of Cheerios and a juice box, she's a happy three-year-old.
- Damn it.
- What? Jill's Skyping during my Game of Thrones binge.
You're laughing out loud at Game of Thrones? Yeah, reminds me of high school.
Oh, good, you're all there.
Where are you? I'm in a limousine just outside of Tucson, Arizona.
Oh, I love Arizona.
They sell fireworks in grocery stores.
So, the other night, after y'all left, I did something Marjorie told me to do.
I sat quietly and I tried to meditate.
Next thing I knew, I was sobbing.
I'm talking uncontrollable sobbing.
I don't know if that's a normal part of meditating, but it caught me by surprise.
Why didn't you call one of us? Oh, 'cause it was a good thing.
Feel like I cried over all the stuff I've done to hurt myself.
All the drinking, all the men, all the drugs.
Now it's food.
All 'cause I don't want to face my feelings.
(distorted): It's time for me to do No, no, no.
Don't freeze.
Don't freeze.
What are you doing? It's not an Etch A Sketch.
That's what I'm gonna do.
What do you think? - Terrific.
Great! - Proud of you.
So, I'm hoping while I'm at the spa, I can fix that hole in myself.
They do classes on mindfulness and stuff to open up your chakras.
It's real spiritual.
On the last day, you get to talk to a horse.
Anyway, the next time you see me, (distorted): I'm gonna be You'll be what? A redhead? A juggler? Married to the horse? Maybe just smile and wave.
Bye, Jill.
Bring back some Roman candles.
Sounds like she'll be gone a while.
Well, I'm glad she's taking care of herself.
Yeah.
Hey, you remember the security code for her house? I do.
You thinking what I'm thinking? Soft serve and a dip in the pool? Check, please.
Oh, God, Jill's not here.
Who's gonna pay? Impressive.
How'd you do that? I hate to admit it, but Wendy showed me some tricks.
You look sad.
I kind of am.
See? You're in pain, and now I'm interested.
What's going on? I feel like applying to Stanford was a huge mistake.
- Why? - (sighs) Now I'll be tortured for months waiting to find out if I got in.
If I didn't, I'll be crushed.
And if I did, holy crap.
I'll have to go to Stanford.
Can can we pause a second and compare your life today to where you were five years ago? Your biggest problem used to be how to give a satisfying lap dance to a fat guy.
And now, you know, here you are worried about getting into one of the best schools in the country.
You're right.
Look at me with my classy problems.
Whatever happens, I'm just proud of you for applying.
Thanks, Mom.
(laughing) What? (laughing): Nothing.
Just you going to Stanford.
It's funny.
Hey, why don't you apply to Harvard while you're at it? (mocking laughter) Oh Oh, uh, hey, could I see that for a second? Yeah.
Thanks.
Oh! Looks like a job for duct tape!