Mom s05e06 Episode Script

Smooth Jazz and a Weird Floaty Eye

1 You lose something? Oh, come on.
You're still not talking to me? I said I was sorry.
(sighs) You know, I don't mind that you borrow my car without asking.
I don't mind that you never put gas in it.
I don't even mind that I have to pull my seat up all the way from Freaktown.
But when I turn on the radio and you've changed all my stations, that's when I snap.
Hey, when I hear Kenny G, that's when I snap.
Where are you going? Oh, I'm just heading out for a little bit.
- Where? - Got a thing.
- What thing? - I'm meeting a guy for a beer.
- BONNIE: Who? - You don't know him.
Where are you going? Who are you meeting? CHRISTY: Surrender or before you know it, you're a year older.
My brother's in town.
You have a brother? This is gonna make me late for work, but it's worth it.
Why am I not meeting him? Maybe Adam's ashamed of you.
Hey.
You're not talking to me, Smooth Jazz.
Tell me why I shouldn't be incredibly hurt right now.
We're not that close.
The only reason I'm seeing him is to sign some papers for our parents' estate.
Estate? Don't get excited.
It's a thousand bucks a year.
Why my parents decided to dole it out until I'm 85 remains a mystery.
Still, uh, after you've gone, that grand goes to me? Go nuts.
I'm an heiress.
Adam, a hint.
- Sleep with your eyes open.
- Already do.
- I'll see you later.
- Wait.
Why can't I meet him? What, was he born without a nose? Weird, floaty eye? Spits when he says, (spitting): “sauteed spinach.
” Yes, it's all of those things.
Can I go now? No.
I am meeting him and that's final.
I'm not gonna win this, am I? You gave up those balls the minute you put a ring on her finger.
BONNIE: Give me five minutes to change.
First the legs, now you guys.
The darkness is moving north.
- Here you go, Bonnie.
- Well, thank you, Patrick.
How gallant.
- Sure beats a beer in my hotel lobby.
- You're gonna love it.
Oh, waitress.
God, I hate her.
Welcome to the Rustic Fig.
The one place I used to feel safe.
(laughs) I told you, she's a pistol.
Wish I had one right now.
Hey, Christy.
I'm Patrick.
- Really nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Hi.
Since Patrick's only in town for the night, we thought we - She thought.
- we'd come here.
What better way for us all to get to know each other? With me serving you food.
Yay.
Can I please have whatever kind of beer can get here fastest? Can you make that two? But take your time.
And I'll have, let me see uh What's in a virgin mojito? Lime juice, cane sugar and my thumb.
I'll have a water.
Patrick, I'm so glad we're doing this.
Oh, me, too.
I didn't even know you existed.
- I didn't know you existed.
- You both exist.
Should we figure out what we're gonna eat? - Charming as ever, dude.
- Bite the big one, Pat.
What fun.
Oh, I'm getting a picture of the two of you growing up together.
Roughhousing out at the lake.
I don't know.
Was there a lake? There was an ocean.
In fact, Adam taught me to surf.
Man, you sure ran with that one.
What does that mean? I own a company that makes surfboards.
Wow, didn't waste any time squeezing that one into the conversation.
Okay, why don't we talk about how you hung out with Russell Crowe? He does work that one in a lot.
We got drunk in Prague.
He threw a phone at me.
It's a good story.
The first seven times, am I right? (laughs) I hear something different every time.
Okay, two beers and one tap water with a splash of spit.
Well, we definitely want appetizers.
What do you recommend? Going to a different restaurant.
Oh, Christy.
(laughing) - Tell me about the crab cakes.
- No.
Your brother seems like a nice guy.
Where in the world did you get that? Well, he paid for dinner while you were being a dick all night.
That was my takeaway.
I don't like the guy.
I thought you might have picked up on that when I told you I don't like the guy.
Oh, come on.
How many times did Christy tell everyone she hated me at dinner tonight? It's just something people say.
At least it's over.
I never have to see him again.
Yikes.
What happened with you guys? He bang your prom date? Women aren't that important to me.
Stare all you want; I'm not taking it back.
Ugh.
It's not fair.
I parade my dirty family laundry in front of you every day.
You owe me this.
All right, fine.
That surfboard company, my idea.
I worked there.
I helped get it started, but did he cut me in on the profits once it became a success? - I'm guessing no.
- Nothing.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Those profits should be ours yours.
Thank you.
God.
- You know what really upset me tonight? - Hmm? Discovering that my daughter is a terrible waitress.
I still don't think you should've complained to the manager.
How else is she gonna get better? Are you eating garbage cake? It was untouched.
Anniversary dinner.
He shot her a look when she ordered the cake.
Things went downhill fast.
Well, in that case, hand me a fork.
- Mm.
- Thank you.
This is a surprise.
What brings you back? Ah, there's nothing good in my hotel's garbage.
I thought I was coming back here for a nightcap.
(whispering): This is so much better.
- You sure? - Mmm.
I got half a martini in here.
Wait.
There's a shrimp tail in it.
(laughs) No, I'm good.
So, did you survive dinner with my mother? Oh, my God, I love her.
She's hilarious.
No more cake for you.
Hey, anybody gives my brother a hard time is okay by me.
To be perfectly honest, um, I spent most of dinner waiting for you to come back to the table.
Oh, my God.
Are you the one who complained to my manager? No, it's just that every time you came back to the table, things were you know, really good.
(laughing): Sorry.
I'm recently divorced.
I'm a little rusty.
I'm sorry.
Are you flirting with me? You couldn't tell? See, this is where my rustiness comes in.
Ah, newly divorced, too, huh? Nope, just good old rust.
(laughs) Well, um, what I'm trying to say is, uh, I'm supposed to be leaving tomorrow, and if you happen to be free tomorrow and are amenable to what I'm about to propose, I was thinking I could stay an extra night for the express purpose of taking you out tomorrow.
Just to be clear, we're talking about tomorrow? Yeah.
Although it is midnight, so tomorrow is now today.
So, uh (mumbles) today.
- I'd really like that.
- Oh, great.
Great.
I'll bring the oil can.
For the rustiness.
You know, Wizard of Oz.
(chuckles) Not dry vagina.
My God, I I just said “dry vagina”" And pointed.
(chuckles) Okay, what do you think? Great.
Let me see the tush.
Damn it, I used to have a cute, little booty like that.
You will again.
You already lost six pounds.
Mm, five.
Paid 300 bucks for some black market licorice last night.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Bonnie.
You heard that, too, right? It's Jill.
We're Skyping.
You're awfully dressed up for that.
- She's got a date.
- Really? With who? - Just a guy.
- Adam's brother.
(laughs) This is fun! But he left town.
He decided to stay an extra day just for little old me.
Are you kidding me? You can't go out with Adam's brother.
And yet I've got my good bra on, and I'm headed out the door.
No, no, you don't get it.
Adam really doesn't like him.
I don't like you, but we eat eight meals a week together.
Wait.
So why does Adam not like his brother? I don't care! He's in town for one more night, and he asked me out like an awkward eighth grader, so I'm going.
Just so you know, you and your bra are ruining my life.
Oh, I miss you girls.
Hello? Am I talking to an empty room? God, I'm so hungry.
(sportscaster speaking indistinctly over television) (clearing throat loudly) Staircase.
What's going on? What's going on is I wanted some quality time with my man.
Can we do that? Where's Christy? She had a date tonight.
Oh, good for her.
You know, I don't understand why some guy hasn't just swept her off her feet.
Well, I guess that thought runs in your family, 'cause your brother stayed an extra day to take her out.
Kiss me.
Bonnie.
Bonnie.
Adam.
Oh, Adam Wait, w-wait.
Hang on a minute.
Christy's on a date with Patrick? That's right.
Let's get those pants off.
(stammers) - You know, you did this.
- What do you mean? I was just gonna go out and have a drink with him and sign some papers, but no, you had to stick your nose in there and Bonnie it all up.
Hey, I was gonna use this mouth to say I'm sorry, but it can just as easily go eat a sandwich.
- Oh - Oh! So, what's your favorite place to surf? Ah.
Uh Costa Rica, probably.
You know, one time I was, um, waiting for a set to come in when I realized, suddenly, that I was surrounded by dolphins.
- Wow, that sounds beautiful.
- Ah.
Yeah, it was, until I realized the dolphins were surrounded by sharks, and that was the moment I learned I could fly.
I took acid once and learned I couldn't fly.
- Duh - Oof (both groaning) You know, we've been playing for 20 minutes, and neither one of us has made a shot.
Yeah.
(groaning) Well, that was pretty close.
Should we just start counting those? I'll tell you where we went wrong.
Not enough blue stuff on the end of the thing.
Step aside and watch me work.
Okay.
- Wow! - Whoo! Oh, my God, I got one in! I got one in.
Not the one I wanted, but still.
Toss me that magic blue cube.
We are not leaving until I sink one, too.
Don't you have to go back home tomorrow? (chuckles) Well, actually, I'm taking a couple weeks off to surf my way down the coast.
- Oh.
- (ball drops) - Boy, that sounds great.
- Do you surf? Nope.
I can barely swim.
That's why I don't take baths.
I mean, I shower.
I'm clean.
Smart, beautiful, hygienic.
Final box checked.
(man speaking indistinctly over television) (sighs) Oh, God, what now? Your brother's staying another week to be with Christy.
And to your left, more vineyards.
You picked a hell of a place to get sober.
I know, right? Could have moved to Utah, but where's the challenge in that? Yeah.
Lot of grapes.
What are those, red? See? It's like you live here.
Hey, can I ask you something? Sure.
What's the deal with you and Adam? Oh, well, what can I say? Uh, we used to be really tight.
We started our business together, and six months later, he bailed.
Left me high and dry.
Wow.
I can see why you're mad at him, but what's his problem? Oh, that's simple.
I made the business into a success, and now he's jealous.
That doesn't sound like the Adam I know.
Well, it's the Adam I know.
But, hey, maybe your mom's had a good influence on him.
(Christy laughing) This is a disaster.
Adam is furious, and I'm out of lingerie.
But I'm happy.
Isn't that what moms are supposed to want for their kids? On what planet? You are standing in between me and a thousand dollars a year.
- You are so selfish.
- You are so selfish.
What do you guys think? Look, they remembered we're here.
- Well, I Th - Da-da-da! You're obviously only dating Patrick to annoy me.
No, I am dating Patrick because he's a nice guy.
Annoying you is a delightful bonus.
I'm gonna shop for jeans.
I'm confused why is Adam so upset about this? Because Adam and Patrick hate each other.
- Why? - Why does anyone ever fight? Money.
Well, maybe you two can help them patch things up.
You were estranged for years and found a way to reconnect, and it's been wonderful.
- All right, settle down.
- I wouldn't go that far.
Do you guys think I could pull off overalls? No.
I'm just saying you could be a good example to these boys.
Maybe.
Got to admit, nobody knows decades of estrangement and then a quasi-satisfying makeup like we do.
Yeah.
Of course, if we had money, things could get dicey.
If we had money, you'd be dead by sundown.
(knock on door) Someone's at the door.
CHRISTY: I'll get it.
- Hey, Adam.
I like that shirt.
- Oh, thanks.
Wow, why are you so dressed up? Oh, son of a bitch.
- Hey.
- Hi.
(turns TV off) Oh.
Didn't know you'd be here.
Why wouldn't I be here? It's my fiancée's house.
And another great talk.
Can we go? Actually, I was thinking you could come in for a sec.
Ah I take it we're being set up? Looks like it.
Wow, isn't this a nice surprise.
They're onto us, Mom.
Then let's just jump right in.
We're trying to help you two ass-hats be more like us.
How is name-calling gonna help? What'd I say? Look, nobody's had more bad water under the bridge than me and Amazon Prime over here.
But we got over it.
And if we can, anyone can.
So, sit.
(mock crying) Okay, animosities.
Go.
Okay, why don't I help get the ball rolling? Patrick, Adam is upset with you because you hogged all the surfboard money for yourself.
What? Is that what you told her? Because that's what happened.
No, it's not.
Patrick was just a kid starting up a business.
You're the one who bailed on him.
How did I bail on you? You took off for Hollywood to start your big stuntman career.
Hey, the surfboard business was my idea.
I got it off the ground for you, and then something good happened to me.
I'm so sorry.
Off the ground? I worked 16-hour days without you.
I had to quit school.
Oh, take off your skirt.
Our business was great, and you didn't share a dime with me.
Oh, please.
I don't see you for ten years.
How is it still “our” business? I was working on movies.
I-I was on location.
I'm sorry I wasn't there to hold your hand.
Kind of a soft argument.
Step it up.
You know, I started this business to be with my brother, but since all you care about is money, I'm happy to write you a check.
I don't want your money.
(groans) We're winning.
Keep going.
You know, if you wanted to be with me so badly, where were you when this happened? - What? - I was in the hospital for a year.
Guys I hadn't seen since high school came by.
You never did.
- I wanted to be there.
- Then why the hell weren't you? Because I figured I was the last person you'd ever want to see.
Why wouldn't I want to see you? You're my brother.
If I'd known that, I'd have been there in a second.
I love you, man.
I love you, too.
Dude.
Now would be the perfect time to get that check.
How did this happen? My date's having dinner with your fiancé, and I'm having my ninth meal of the week with you.
Bringing them together feels good, though, right? Yeah, it does.
We saved a family tonight.
I'm gonna say this to you 'cause you get it, but I wouldn't say it out there.
Heroes.
It's the only word that works.
Was a little weird seeing those two crying.
Right? Not sexy.
No.
I will be asleep when Adam gets home tonight.
You know, if things work out and we marry these guys you'd be my mother and my sister-in-law.
And you'd be married to your step-uncle which would make you your own niece.
The sad part is, not the weirdest thing we've ever done.
Not even close.
But still heroes.