Mom s05e08 Episode Script

An Epi-Pen and a Security Cat

1 Hi.
Christy, alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Christy.
I can't help thinking where I was Christmas five years ago.
I mean, I-I've really thought about it and I literally don't know where I was.
But if any of you were there, maybe you could help me piece it together or my deepest apology, whichever applies.
Hi, I'm Marjorie and I'm an alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Marjorie.
This is a difficult holiday with Victor being sick, and, uh, I know I need to focus on him, so I'm sad to say that I won't be able to host my annual Christmas cookie party.
ALL: Aw.
Of course I'm disappointed Good thing we're in a meeting so we can manage our grief.
- Shh.
- Yeah, shh.
I love this meeting.
You ladies have really carried me through the last few weeks, so, to show my gratitude, next week I am bringing my famous nutty fruit log.
ALL: Yay.
Would anyone else like to share? - Mary, alcoholic.
- ALL: Hi, Mary.
I'm afraid Mary isn't very merry this year.
It was recently brought to my attention that my holiday letter was a bit of a bummer.
- (quietly): I don't think we got one.
- We did.
That's why the table doesn't wobble anymore.
I understand telling everyone that my daughter was in jail, that my brother got evicted, and that my pink eye came back, was not exactly holiday cheer, but it is what happened, and I did make it rhyme.
Thanks for letting me share.
I know you all care.
(clears throat) Okay, my turn.
- Bonnie, alcoholic.
- ALL: Hi, Bonnie.
Everybody always shares about how hard it is around the Christmas holiday.
And to them I say, Ba-bam! That's all I got.
Merry Christmas.
Look what happy people do for the holidays.
They're obviously overcompensating.
You see Christmas cheer, I see a miserable couple on the brink of divorce.
You get all that from the front door? And I read their mail.
Did you leave the light on? Oh, my God, we've been robbed.
Of what? We don't have anything.
My laptop.
Oh, damn it, I left my watch on the nightstand.
- Oh.
- Ah.
(door closes) - (gasps) Was that you? - No.
I was in back.
Oh, my God! That means they were still in here.
Get out, get out, get out! That means they're out here now.
(screams) Get in, get in, get in! Looks like he got in through the bedroom window.
He? It could've been a woman.
You might want to get that window fixed.
I'll tell the building manager.
I'm sure she'll get to it in a few months.
Is now really the time? Here is a list of the missing items.
Is there any chance you're gonna find our stuff? You want hope or the truth? I've never had either.
I just want my laptop.
- Thanks, officers.
- Yeah.
I don't get the feeling we're the cold case those two are gonna carry to their graves.
I had a term paper on that computer and it's my entire grade.
Did you back it up? If I had backed it up, would I be freaking out right now? Maybe.
You run pretty hot.
Now I'm gonna fail that class, and then I won't graduate, and then I won't get into law school and all this hard work will have been for nothing, and I might as well just stick my head in the oven.
Well, if that's the plan, kitchen's over there.
That's it? You're not gonna talk me down? Excuse me, but there are two victims here.
That worthless punk stole my watch.
Oop, no.
Here it is.
Looks like they didn't touch Roscoe's stuff.
Baseball cards, paintball gun.
Hey, maybe we should consider getting a real gun.
Are you serious? Yeah, we're adults.
We know what to Ow! (gasps) I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
It was not an accident! - Oh, come on, why would I shoot you? - Why wouldn't you shoot me? Go get a towel.
Ow! Still want to get a real gun? Are you planning on sleeping with the lights on? I don't plan on sleeping at all.
It just creeps me out some stranger was in our home.
(sighs): Yeah.
I mean, for all we know, he could have come up here and rubbed his ugly naked butt on your pillow.
- Why would you say that? - Oh, come on, we're both thinkin' it.
- No, I really wasn't.
- You are now.
Hey! (thumping nearby) What was that? (thumping continues) Sounds like the water heater.
How could it be the water heater? The water heater doesn't work.
Maybe the burglar broke in and he's fixing it.
Well, at least somebody is.
I told you, it's on my list.
- I'm waiting for parts.
- I'm waiting for parts.
Well, I am.
Just turn off the light and go to bed.
(groans) (scoffs) Hmm? (exhales) I broke into a house once.
What? Yep.
(sighs) I needed money for drugs.
I cased a couple of houses.
I saw one where the mail was stacked up.
I went around back and broke a window.
That's a straight-up felony.
Only if you get caught.
It was the one time I really, you know, crossed the line.
The one time? I mean, I did what normal people do.
You know, go to a party, raid the medicine cabinet, rifle through the jackets on the bed, take an outfit out of the closet, wear it home.
Who does that? You might not want to hear this, but that's what you were doing Christmas five years ago.
I can't believe you broke into somebody's house.
Me neither.
God I never thought about what I put those people through until now.
Just curious, what'd you steal? Mmm.
Cash, jewelry, an EpiPen.
I hope the kid didn't eat peanuts the next day.
That's what those are for? Oh.
It just made me run fast.
Sounds awful.
I'm sorry you went through that.
I'm still pretty shaken up.
You should get a dog.
No, thanks.
My mom's barely housebroken.
How about a cat? A security cat? Mine freak out when a stranger comes to the door.
You should see my mailman's ankles.
Well, I did put up some cheap web-cams.
Check it out.
- Living room kitchen.
- Mm-hmm.
There's Bonnie.
CHRISTY: Look at her.
I live with Homer Simpson.
Wait, why is she going through my laundry? Better question, why is she taking off her sweatpants? That's my underwear.
She's putting on my underwear.
Oh, my God.
That's why all my thongs are stretched out.
(sighs) Strange butts in my underwear, strange butts on my pillow.
Will this nightmare never end? WENDY: Hold on.
Christy, I think - I found your laptop.
- What? Someone just posted it on Craigslist, and it has that lame "Follow your dreams" sticker on it.
Oh, my God.
This is it.
- (chuckles) - Ha.
How did you know to look there? A lot of people sell stolen stuff online.
Or so I've heard.
They want $300 for it.
(scoffs) The "Z" doesn't even work.
You wrote an entire term paper without a "Z"? That's amazing.
That's astonishing, incredible or jaw-dropping.
Why so squirmy? It's almost like your underwear is the wrong size.
What's it to you? I saw you take mine on the spy-cam.
That is such a violation of my privacy.
You can't say that in my panties.
I hate to interrupt, but I think that's the building.
Are you sure this is a good idea? What? Four middle-aged women waltzing into a crime scene? What are we supposed to do? The cops won't even return my phone calls.
Well, in their defense, you left super long messages.
Well, screw them.
I'm gonna go get my laptop back.
I'm not sure this is a pretty dicey part of town.
Oh, come on.
We've all been in worse neighborhoods than this to buy drugs.
Or to sell drugs.
Or just hoping to meet someone.
Come on, ladies, let's hit the bricks! Why is no one hittin' the bricks? - (locks door) - Really, Mom? I have a diamond ring to protect now.
But your kid, your kid you can lose? I'm sorry, what? Did this guy sound dangerous on the phone? We only e-mailed, just the time and place.
Okay, someone's got to go in first.
Who's the most expendable? Are you all staring at me so I'll say Wendy? - Just knock.
- (scoffs) What if he lured us here so he can rob us again? Well, you wanted to meet somebody.
Oh, hello, girls.
What are you all doing here? Uh God rest ye merry gentlemen ALL: Let nothing you dismay - Oh - Remember Christ our Savior Was born on Christmas Day Two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.
(laughing) What a treat! Oh, thank you for coming and bringing some Christmas cheer.
How about if I make us all a cup of hot cocoa? That'd be great, Mare.
That bitch stole our stuff.
This doesn't make any sense It couldn't have been her.
Is it just me, or did we sound really good caroling? Will you focus? We're dealing with a criminal mastermind.
Tiny marshmallows all around? - Lovely.
- Mary, wait a minute.
Actually, we're here because of a very strange situation.
Christy and Bonnie got robbed.
Oh, no.
Is there anything I can do to help? Actually, there might be.
We tracked down my stolen laptop to this address.
I don't understand.
- Where you hiding the loot, old woman? - Mom.
I'm sorry, did you want to be bad cop? Of course we don't think it's you.
Uh does anyone else live here? (chuckles): Oh, just my grandson, Todd.
On Law & Order, this is when we would exchange a knowing look.
Oh, no, not my Todd.
He's always been a good boy.
I'm sure he has.
Can some of us comfort you - while the rest of us search his room? - No! He would never steal.
He's studying to be an electrician.
All I know is that someone gave me this address to come over and buy my computer back.
- No one's judging you, Mary.
- Of course not.
We're judging your thief/electrician grandson.
I think that you should leave.
Just her, or all of us? Mare, maybe he lost his way a little.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Just get out.
(sighs) Okay, ladies, let's go.
We're just leaving? Yes, you're leaving.
But we'll be back.
I mean, we haven't talked about a plan yet Um, Mary, if you do find the computer, could you please print out my paper?! Do you think Mary'll show up tonight? Well, if she doesn't, I hope she finds another meeting, because the most important thing is that she works the program so she can maintain her sobriety.
Let me ask you something And this is 100% sincere.
Have you ever put yourself to sleep while you were talking? Hey.
Turns out we weren't the only ones who got hit.
Laura was robbed while she was at a meeting, too.
How weird is that? It's not weird at all.
This kid hangs around his grandmother's meetings, so he can follow people home, so he can rob them the next time they're here.
That's awful.
It's also pretty smart.
But mainly awful.
MARY: Christy? Oh, good.
You came.
I didn't want to believe you, but I went into Todd's room.
I hope this is everything.
My computer.
Thank you, Mary.
Are you gonna call the police? That wouldn't help anyone.
(exhales) Wait.
Mary, aren't you staying for the meeting? Not today.
But we'll see you next week? Maybe.
Uh, what should we do? (sighs): I don't know.
Maybe just give her some time.
Boy, it's just so sad.
I know.
Poor Mary.
I mean, everything we own that's worth stealing fits in one bag.
(sighs) This is a Christmas miracle.
Your paper's still there? Yeah.
I remember my opening paragraph being a little snappier.
You think there's a chance that kid might have Stolen your computer, broken into your documents and rewrote your homework? So you're not ruling it out? Huh.
What's this? Gold earrings.
He must have stolen these from someone else.
No, those are ours.
- They are not.
- Yes, they are.
After how bad we felt getting robbed, you want to do the same thing? You're unbelievable.
I feel ashamed that I know you.
They're my Christmas present to you.
Oh, my God, Mom, they're so nice! Why didn't you stop me from saying all that? I feel terrible.
And that's my Christmas present from you.
Mary? It's Christy.
What about me? Let's let you be a delightful surprise.
MARY: Please go away.
Come on, Mary, open the door.
What do you want? We were worried about you.
We haven't seen you in a week.
What happened to your Christmas tree? I didn't feel like celebrating this year.
How are things with your grandson? Not good.
He took off.
I'm really worried about him.
Todd was always my little shining star.
I know this is hard, but you can't stop coming to meetings.
I'm too embarrassed.
In front of us? Have you listened to our shares? - We're all train wrecks.
- Speak for yourself I have a fiancé.
I'm not sure what the point is anymore.
Mary you didn't get sober for your grandson.
You got sober for yourself.
And you can't help him unless you stay that way.
Don't write the kid off.
Sometimes disappointing children grow up and surprise you.
I'd take a shot back, but I really love my earrings.
How about we have a meeting right now? - I'd like that.
- You want to start? Hi.
I'm Mary.
And I'm an alcoholic.
- Hi, Mary.
- Hi, Mary.
- Excuse me.
- Yes? You don't know me, but do you have a minute? Sorry, I already picked my God, and I've got enough magazines.
Both good guesses, but not why I'm here.
Did you live here nine years ago? Yes.
Why? Okay, here goes.
Um I kind of broke into your house and robbed you.
What? That was you? Yeah.
I-I came to make an amends to you.
An amends? See, back when I robbed you, I was a drunk and a drug addict.
And I-I know that's not an excuse, but it is, sort of, my excuse.
What I did was terrible, and I'm sorry if I made you feel you weren't safe in your own home.
My kids couldn't sleep for weeks.
I know I can't make up for what I did, but I'd be happy to write a check for whatever you feel covers what I took.
Okay, $1,200.
$1,200? Really? Isn't that kind of high? Do you want to make this right, or not? - I only have $900 in my bank account.
- Okay, give me that.
(chuckles) I was kind of hoping we were gonna end up just hugging this thing out, but okay.
Do you need a pen? I got one.
Did you steal it? I did not.
Last chance to say $500.
Okay I'm just gonna write "Merry Christmas" in the memo.