Mom s05e15 Episode Script

Esta Loca and a Little Klingon

1 Oh, and my fiancé (chuckles) I love saying that We've been talking about the guest list for our wedding.
While we'd love to invite everyone, we're gonna have to make some hard choices.
Hint: a good pre-wedding gift could be the bump you need.
Any Apple products gets you in the first five rows.
Does she really think this is gonna be a hot ticket? Welcome to the waiting list, Marjorie.
Would a waffle iron get me a good seat? It'll get you in the building.
I'll share.
Christy, alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Christy.
You know, she is not kidding about that list.
I don't even think I made the cut.
Anyway, my boyfriend is in town this weekend for his birthday, and I saved enough money to take him to dinner, buy him a travel mug, and get professionally waxed.
So no more bristly patches.
It's true what they say: if you stay sober, your life gets bigger and better and smoother.
Of course you're invited to the wedding.
I'm gonna need someone to hold up my dress while I pee.
All right, we have time for one more.
Uh, would our newcomer like to share? Hi, I'm Jill, alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Jill.
It's weird to call myself a newcomer, but that's what I am.
Got the one-day chip to prove it.
'Course I keep slipping, so I got about ten of these things.
By the way, should I be recycling 'em? You know like give a penny, take a penny? Anyhow I've been having a hard time staying sober, but this morning felt different.
I got up off the lawn, before the sprinklers went off this time.
I went inside, poured myself a cup of coffee with just cream, no vodka, and said "Morning, world! It's a brand new day.
" Also, if I sent you a video of myself singing Carrie Underwood naked, could you please delete it? Thanks.
I'll show it to you when we get home.
CHRISTY: Get ready for your next birthday surprise.
Look quick, 'cause it's coming off fast.
Wow, I did not think you could top that travel mug.
- Smooth.
- I know! (cell phone vibrating) Oh, please tell me that's something in your bedside table that we're gonna use later.
- I'll turn it off.
- Okay.
Oh, God, it's my friend Jill.
I hate to do this, but I got to go.
Now? Not, like, ten glorious minutes from now? Sorry, it's an emergency.
W-What's wrong? She's been trying to get sober, and now she's drunk and freaking out.
I promise I'll make it up to you.
(door closes, reopens) If you get hungry, there's chocolate sauce in the nightstand.
Can you believe this? I know, we were just getting started.
Oh? We were done.
We've been together a while.
We got it down to three essential moves.
I can't believe it.
I went to the market to get some almond milk, and I ended up buying two fifths of vodka.
You drink almond milk? More coffee and cookies.
May I go home now? Yeah.
I'm sorry about your shoes.
Thank you for aiming down this time.
- Good night.
- Thank you, Soledad.
Why does this keep happening? Oh, honey, it's a cunning and baffling disease.
That's the best you got? Give me a break.
It's late.
I'm not wearing a bra.
The important thing is that you called us.
And that Soledad took the scissors away before you gave yourself a mullet.
I really do want to get sober.
It's okay.
You're gonna get this.
Just call us before you go to the market next time.
- We love you.
- Yeah.
- We're here for you.
- Oh, my God.
This cookie is giving me my second orgasm of the night.
Oh, yeah, you're totally gonna get this.
So they just don't come home all night, and that's normal? Oh, you can't get hung up on what's normal around here.
Be happy they left us milk and toilet paper.
Looks like the highlight of my birthday weekend will be more time with my dick-weed brother.
You call it your birthday, I call it the 54th anniversary of you stealing my mother.
- (chuckles) - What? Seriously, dude? You still eat Captain Crunch? First of all, dude, it's pronounced "Cap'n.
" And you disrespect his service to the Crunch Navy if you say it any other way.
- BONNIE: Boys, we're back.
- In here.
Hey, how's Jill? Ah, she yelled, she tried to make out with Wendy, she took a swing at Marjorie Nothing we haven't seen before.
Now she's sleeping it off, which is what I want to do.
Caring about other people is exhausting.
I am never doing it again.
Good night.
You seem pretty beat.
Me? No.
I have a whole day planned for us.
We're gonna go for a hike and (yawning): see that documentary on bees you keep talking about and, uh then we're gonna have a-a fabulous dinner.
So, happy birthday.
- Yay.
- (chuckles) Yeah.
Why don't we just skip the hike and you go take a nap, huh? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay, yes.
But two hours, tops, and then it's big fun for you, mister.
(chuckles) (chuckles softly) Yeah, I'm not gonna see her the rest of the day, am I? - No.
- Yeah.
- BONNIE: Adam! - Coming! Sex helps her fall asleep.
She says I've got pure Ambien between my legs.
You guys don't have to worry anymore.
I got this.
I realized what I've been doing wrong.
I didn't have a plan, but now I do.
I went to a meeting this morning, then went to another meeting with you gals, gonna have my eyebrows re-threaded, then go to another meeting tonight.
And I'm gonna bookend every day by calling Christy in the morning and again at night to let her know I stuck with my plan.
How's that for a plan? Well, it was fast and wordy.
And a very good plan.
Christy, I hope I didn't ruin your boyfriend's birthday weekend.
Patrick's fine.
When I woke up from my nap, he had left to go bowling with Adam.
Yes, Adam bowls.
Nobody's perfect.
I love bowling.
I think it's sexy.
That's why there's so much bowling porn.
There is.
Well, since y'all helped me so much, I brought each of you a little something from my gift closet.
- ALL: Oh! - Oh, sweetie, - that's very nice of you.
- WENDY: Thank you.
But we don't help people for gifts.
We do it for fun and for free.
You're right.
- Bonnie.
- What? The bracelet.
I was wearing this when I came in.
Do you know what would make this outfit perfect? That bracelet you goody-goodies made me give back.
Don't you think it's great that the four of us are gonna go out and Oh, come on! (groans) You come on.
No! You have to change.
Why do I have to change? Because it's my boyfriend's birthday, so I get to wear the slutty red dress.
Everything's taped up and Spanx'd down.
I'm done.
- Unzip me.
- I will.
(grunts) Are you as freaked out as I am that Jill hasn't been able to string more than a day or two of sobriety together? Yeah.
It's scary.
I can't imagine what it would be like to start from zero again.
Been there.
It sucks.
I'm afraid that if I went out, I would never come back.
Yeah, you would.
'Cause I'd drag you back by the roots of your hair.
Thanks, Mom.
How do I look? Not better than me, so, good.
So who won at bowling? Everyone who saw Patrick fall on his ass trying to pick up a spare.
Oh, hey, I would have played better, but - I didn't bring my ball.
- I didn't bring my ball.
Wait a minute you have your own bowling ball? That's the kind of thing you should have disclosed on our first date.
It's purple and it's sparkly.
- Hey, that's the color of my bowling team.
- (phone rings) Oh.
It's it's Jill, but don't worry, it's just a bookend call.
I'll be-I'll be right back.
Uh, a bookend? That's when an alcoholic calls someone in the program in the morning and then again at night to let them know they're okay.
Ah, look at you learning the lingo.
Watch enough Star Trek, you learn a little Klingon.
(sighs) Bad news.
Wha I-I thought it was a-a bookend.
It was Jill's housekeeper.
Jill showed up at her place, drunk.
I-I've got I got to go get her.
That's crazy It's Patrick's birthday.
You stay, I'll go.
Thanks, Bonnie.
I appreciate it.
You're right.
My mom can handle it.
Words I've never said before.
I'm just gonna eat this in the car.
I'll text you later.
Thank you for staying.
Of course.
(chuckles) Jill's gonna be all right.
(softly): Yeah.
She definitely is.
Uh, you know what, Christy? Just go.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, I-I'm just so worried about her.
Thank you.
Well I guess this night's a bust.
Should we just get the check and go? Hell, no.
Now we can order whiskey and not have to sip it.
Waiter! (knocking) Thank you so much for coming.
- I didn't know who else to call.
- It's okay.
(slurring): Oh, my Lord, her fingernails are so long.
Hey, Jill.
Oh, my God! Christy! Bonnie! I didn't know you guys were friends with Soledad! Honey, what are you doing here? Oh, just watching TV, but I'm a little confused, 'cause it's all in (whispers): Mexican.
So, that lady with the long nails right there Her husband is sleeping with the girl with the pointy boobs, but pointy is having a baby with the guy in the eye patch.
- Did I get that right? - Más o menos.
I love hanging out here.
She's never been to my house in her life.
I don't even know how she found me.
'Course I know where you live.
I sent you those pears for Christmas.
Oh, yes, so much better than cash.
(speaking Spanish) Aren't they cute? Adorable.
We need to get you home.
But I don't want to go.
Jill, you have to get up.
You can't stay here.
Why not? This used to be my couch.
For all you know, they had a romantic evening planned for tonight.
It might even be his birthday, and you're ruining it.
- Subtle.
- I don't care.
Well, you didn't have to come.
I want to be here for Jill.
Then don't complain about it.
I'm not! You kinda were! Bye, Soledad! See you later! Happy birthday to you.
Make a wish, sweetie.
Remember when we couldn't do this because people would stare? Ugh, the dark ages.
- Hold on.
- Oh, I will.
- Will you stop? - Don't be so touchy.
Oh, I have no problem with people thinking I'm gay.
I just don't want them thinking that I couldn't do any better than you.
Oh, man! I forgot about my steak.
Do you think it's still safe to eat? (groans) Would it stop you if I said no? Hey.
How was dinner? Oh, good.
We saved you some cake.
Hey! Cake and steak Let's eat it in bed.
If you think you're happy now, I've got a potato in my pocket.
I know I've said I'm sorry, like, a thousand times, but I really, really am sorry.
Hey, it's my birthday for two more hours, so what do you say - we go upstairs and, uh - Oh we can't.
Jill was afraid to be alone, so we had to bring her back with us, and she kind of passed out in my bed.
- Oh.
- But the sofa pulls out.
We can have super hot, quiet sex that people might walk in on.
Yeah, th-that doesn't sound super hot to me.
Oh, I-I promise, tomorrow I am all yours.
Christy, please, stop making promises.
You're mad, aren't you? Yeah, I-I'm mad.
Uh, your mom said that she could handle things tonight, but you went anyway.
You said it was okay.
Well, because who wants to sit through dinner with somebody who doesn't want to be there? Although my brother just did, and he really enjoyed it.
I don't know how else to explain it, - but that Jill really needed me.
- Yeah.
It's late, I'm-I'm tired, so let's just go to bed, okay? It's-It's kind of tricky.
You have to push and then pull.
I-I got it.
(strained grunt) PATRICK: Ow! My fingers! (laughs): He's so miserable.
You know that part of you - that takes pleasure in other people's pain? - Yeah.
- Mmm.
Totally turns me on.
Oh, my God, Adam, you're walking It's a miracle! No.
Uh not Adam.
I'm his brother, Patrick.
Oh, yeah.
That makes more sense.
Coffee, please? Little agave? You must be Jill.
Thank you.
How'd you hurt your hand? Oh.
I, uh lost a fight with a pullout couch.
Oh, I took your bed, didn't I? Kinda.
I wasn't always a mess like this.
I mean I was and then I wasn't and then I got fat and then I got skinny and now I'm a mess again.
Go figure.
Sorry to hear that.
You know, in the past every time I relapsed, I was able to get back, but this time I'm just I'm just kind of lost.
Thank God I have Christy.
(chuckles softly) She took hold of me the very first time I walked into a meeting, and she's been right there ever since.
I don't know what I'd do without her.
Yeah, she's, uh she's pretty special.
(chuckles) You know, for only having eight working fingers, you make great coffee.
Just don't ask me to shoot a basketball.
Why would I ask you to shoot a basketball? Oh, hey.
You two met.
(chuckles) Yeah.
He's a good one.
Hey, uh, Christy, you got a minute? Uh, sure.
Before you say anything, she's leaving, and you and I are gonna have our day together.
Yeah, about that, um I'm gonna go home.
- You're still mad.
- No, I'm not mad.
I get it.
Your friend's in trouble and she needs you.
But? I just don't know where I fit in here.
I know this has not been the ideal weekend, but you got to understand, helping people stay sober is part of what helps me stay sober.
So it has to come first.
Well, I guess that means I'll always be second.
I'm crazy about you.
But if I don't stay sober, there is no second.
Well I don't know if this is gonna work for me.
Where does that leave us? I'm not sure.
You know, let's talk in a few days, okay? Okay.
I feel asleep on cake.
What's wrong? Patrick just left.
- Already? - Yeah.
Too much AA, not enough Christy.
(sighs): Oh.
Don't worry, honey, he'll he'll get over it.
I don't know.
(Jill clears throat) I'm trying to piece together what happened last night.
Did I go to Mexico? Look at this.
Homemade apricot jam from Gloria.
Somebody just got invited to the wedding.
We give away chips for various lengths of sobriety.
Our chip person is Marjorie.
OTHERS: Hi, Marjorie.
Would anyone like a newcomer chip? I'm not taking another one It's too embarrassing.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
What if I take a newcomer chip at every meeting for the rest of my life? MAN: I'm an alcoholic.
Then I'll be right here with you.
MARJORIE: Anyone else want to take a newcomer chip? What's your name, honey? Oh, right.
I'm Jill, and I'm an alcoholic.
OTHERS: Hi, Jill.
Would anyone like to take a chip for 30 days?