Mom s06e01 Episode Script

Pre-Washed Lettuce and a Mime

1 - Morning.
- Good morning.
Who's ready for some first day of law school breakfast? You got up early to cook for me? If it pleases the court, I'd like to introduce these pancakes into evidence.
And I will happily tamper with it.
(laughs) I also packed you some snacks.
A healthy one and one you'll actually eat.
Aw, you would've made someone a great mom.
I'm gonna let that slide because I can't believe this day is finally I know! I'm so proud of me.
Oh, yeah, boy, that's what I was about to say.
I wrote something.
"Christy, 40 years ago " It's just that normally I am not a big fan of me, but today I woke up and I was like, "I am a freakin' miracle.
" Hey, look it, "miracle" is the exact word I use in my thing.
"Christy, 40 years ago " When I got sober, I said, "I am gonna go to law school," and here I am, actually going to law school.
When I was drinking, I'd say, "Oh, I want to get a Slurpee," and I couldn't make it happen.
Well, my thing touches on your bad days in a more elegant way, but your example's good, too.
I mean, isn't it crazy? I used to run from the law and now I'm running towards it.
Wow, that's good, I wish I'd thought of that.
"Christy, 40 years ago " The best part is, no one in any of my classes will know what I used to be like.
They will just see a super smart future lawyer because I've changed and I'm also wearing a blazer.
Yeah.
You do look smart.
Oh, I got to go.
You got this, baby.
For the first time in my life, I really think I do.
Damn it.
Looks like I got a couple minutes.
Tell me your thing.
Oh.
"Christy, 40 years ago, when I spread my legs and launched you into the world " So, I met this really cute dermatologist, When I was at the dermatologist, and you'll never guess what happened.
- He asked you out.
- He asked me out.
Now y'all get ready to be proud of me 'cause I told him, "I'm four months' sober and I can't date till I have a year.
" Then later he texted me and said, "233 days to go.
" The day after that, "232.
" And the day after that, - "231.
" - Wrap it up.
Anyway, looks like I'm gonna marry a dermatologist, go which is as good as marrying a vampire.
You never get old.
Thanks.
- Bonnie, alcoholic.
- GROUP: Hi, Bonnie.
Well, I started planning my wedding this weekend.
At first I thought it was gonna be torture, and then it hit me This is a day all about me, planned by me, starring me.
Isn't that every day? Maybe I always hated weddings because, deep down, I was afraid no one would ever love me enough to want to marry me.
Now I feel bad.
But sobriety changed me into someone who's totally marry-able.
My only regret is waiting till I was 49 to do it.
(mouthing) WENDY: Would anyone else like to go? I would.
Christy, alcoholic.
GROUP: Hi, Christy.
So, today was my first day of law school.
Which is, uh, kind of the culmination of a lifelong dream.
And guess what.
It was terrifying.
Like "running out of booze in Utah" terrifying.
Before we begin this morning, I would like you all to look to your left, look to your right.
By the end of the year, one of you will not be here.
Wait-wait, what's happening here? I knew law school was gonna be intense.
I just kind of thought we would ease into it.
You know, go around the room and talk about why we want to be lawyers.
No, it was, "Tell me the relevance of this case," and "Analyze the implications of that decision.
" And it's totally unfair that the other kids don't have to juggle homework, a full-time job, AA, Gamblers Anonymous, and a mom who watches Property Brothers and then has to talk about it.
And, yeah, I called myself a kid.
If she gets to be 49, then I get to be a kid.
Adam, we got to go.
Why are you drinking a beer? Because beer is awesome? You have no idea where we're going.
I do so.
We're going to the, um - The Lakeside Terrace - Lakeside Terrace! Right.
See, I know.
- Because ? - Because of the reason we agreed on.
Come on, I told you all this stuff.
- It's a possible wedding venue - Venue! Venue, yeah.
Oh, my God.
I know.
You never remember anything I tell you, and yet you can recall every friggin' detail about a basketball game you saw four years ago.
When the Warriors won their first championship and they beat the Cavaliers in six, it was epic.
Two games went to OT.
Yeah, I get it.
You only remember what's important to you.
Classic case of Manzheimer's.
Look, getting married is important to me, but, you know, where we do it what we're wearing, the color of the pigeons, isn't.
Pigeons? All I know is that it's gonna be the best day of my life no matter what.
I hate it when you say nice things when I'm mad at you.
Look, let's save ourselves a million arguments.
You plan the wedding, and I'll show up.
Really? Absolutely.
Do whatever makes you happy.
Mm-hmm.
You swear you won't complain - about the things I choose? - I swear.
- What if I want a mariachi band? - I say olé.
What about a chocolate fountain? I'll shove my whole head in it.
I want our officiant to be a mime.
- Bluffing.
You're afraid of mimes.
- (scoffs) I am not.
Very funny.
That's enough Stop it.
Seriously, stop it.
Thank you.
Happy anniversary.
Cheap old bastards.
Christy, where are you going? My last table just left.
I'm out of here.
No, no, no, no.
Cindy just went home sick.
I need you to cover her tables for the rest of the night.
What? No, no, no, I-I can't.
It's my first week First week of law school, I know.
We all know.
I haven't talked about it that much.
Max, what's new with Christy? Law school, look left, look right, very scary.
Well, it was scary.
And so is the mountain of reading I have to do tonight.
See you tomorrow.
Christy! (clears throat) Christy I do not have the emotional capacity to deal with you right now.
My marriage is crumbling right in front of me.
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
Because I don't blab to everyone about the flight attendant my husband met on the way back from Cincinnati.
Okay, but I really You are staying.
Go check on table six.
I'll be in my office doing crunches, preparing for my new life as a single 40-year-old man.
That's 85 in gay years! Hey.
You asked me.
Hi.
I'm Christy.
I will be your server for the rest of the evening.
I know I look stressed and unhappy, but don't let that diminish your dining experience.
(grunts) Damn it! Huh? How could you? Bonnie, wake up.
You're dreaming.
- You son of a bitch.
- What? You cheated on me.
You were dreaming.
Who with? As if you don't know.
I-I really don't.
Louise from Trader Joe's.
And when I caught you, you just shrugged and said, "What's the big deal?" You can't blame me for something I did - in your dream.
- Watch me.
Going at it like a couple of middle-aged bunnies right there on top of the prewashed lettuce.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you doing up? - Adam's cheating on me.
- What? It was in a dream, but that doesn't make it any less real.
- Why are you home so late? - (sighs) I had to cover for another waitress.
I got rid of all of her tables by 10:00 except for one.
They had their coffee, I'm about to drop the check, and this douche gets down on one knee and proposes to his stupid girlfriend.
I had to take pictures, and she had to cry and call everyone she's ever met.
It was disgusting.
Well, she may be happy now, but as soon as that ring goes on the finger, that's when they start cheating.
In your dream.
Hey, we had to hear about your dream for five years.
How about we talk about mine for five minutes? I don't have time for this.
I got to study.
- Oh, God.
- What? My backpack.
I don't have my backpack.
- Did you leave it in the car? - No.
It's at the restaurant.
- All my books are in there.
- So go back and get it.
It's closed.
I don't have a key.
- (sighs) Fine, I'll get dressed.
- What are you gonna do? I'm gonna break into the restaurant with a couple of bobby pins.
"Keys.
" (scoffs) What happened to you? What are you doing? I'm trying to avoid the security cameras.
They disconnected those after the owner's wife saw him having sex with a waitress up against that Dumpster.
Was it you? We are not here to talk about the past.
Now, can you just move it along, Hamburglar? Okay, Baldwin mortise lock with a 2 3/4-inch cylinder.
Huh.
Might as well just tape the door shut.
Hurry, I've got class at 8:00 a.
m.
Relax.
I got this.
There it is.
Voilà.
Well, Baldwin's really stepped up their game.
Are you kidding? You said you could do this.
Yeah, and you said we weren't here to talk about the past.
Fine, just help me get up to that window.
It's called a transom.
If you watched the Property Brothers with me, - you'd know that.
- (sighs) I don't care what it's called.
Just push me through it.
Push you through what? The transom.
(grunts) Are those new shoes? They're really cute.
Focus! (grunts) (alarm blaring) Mom! Help me get down! Did you run away?! Yeah, but I came back.
That's progress.
Yeah, points for you.
Jump.
I'll catch you.
Ow.
Nice going.
You completely missed my arms.
Pierson v.
Post.
What are the facts? Ms.
Plunkett? Oh.
Pierson v.
Post, you say? I did say.
I-I'm gonna be honest.
I didn't have time to read the case, but I have a very good explanation.
- My backpack is locked up - I don't need explanations.
I just need you to do the reading.
I promise I will read it tonight.
Read it now.
Now? We'll wait.
Okay.
I need that.
Ah.
Pierson and Post are people.
(chuckles) It's very good.
20 minutes.
They watched me read for 20 minutes.
You know how it's hard to pee when people are watching you? It's even harder to read.
Who watches you pee? Don't take it personal.
These professors are just trying to weed out the weak ones.
I was talking to my lawyer.
He used to be a Navy SEAL, and he said law school was harder.
Oh, God, what if I'm one of the weak ones? Why were you talking to your lawyer? Hang on.
I'm trying to help your daughter.
No, no, no.
Just-just real quick.
Is it for a prenup? Bonnie, come on.
She's upset.
- Don't worry about this.
This - 'Cause I know lawyers, too.
- Really? You want to do this now? - Well, you seem to want to do it.
Great, let's set a meeting.
Let's do it.
My guy's a real pit bull.
My guy was part of the team that killed Bin Laden.
Oh, yeah, well, my guy's a recovering alcoholic, and they're mean.
(laughing): I know.
I'm marrying one.
Now you're gonna watch me read? So I've narrowed it down to two centerpieces.
Do you like the calla lilies or the sunflower? What the hell?! What? I'm trying to plan our wedding, and you're making out with Louise again? Well, I'm trying to make out with Louise, and you keep planning our wedding.
(moaning) Fine.
I'll choose the flowers myself.
Me I like a Gerber daisy.
- You're my Gerber daisy.
- Mmm.
Aw.
I hate you.
Every night this week, the same dream.
Except Wednesday, I dreamt I was the night manager of a gas station.
Could've been a premonition.
We'll see.
Are you afraid Adam's actually cheating on you? No, I trust him.
Plus, I went to Trader Joe's and did a little digging on Louise.
Turns out she's into the ladies.
So you went to Trader Joe's and basically stalked someone because she appeared in your dream.
Attagirl.
Let's be clear.
I was already there for the wasabi peas.
It's not like I made a special trip.
Ah, 'cause that would cross the line.
I never have dreams.
You don't dream? Nope.
Every night is just an eight-hour preview of death.
You know who else doesn't dream? Serial killers.
Why would you say that? I'm not saying she is one.
I'm just sing she's not alone.
Can we just get the check and go to the meeting? I thought you had class.
I'm not going.
You're skipping already? I'm not skipping.
I quit.
No, you can't quit.
I'm not cut out for law school.
It's just too hard.
They're trying to weed out the weak ones, and I'm saving them the trouble.
- Say something.
- Say something.
Am I just listening, or do you want feedback? Just listening.
I-I've made up my mind.
The only thing I've learned from two weeks in law school is that I'm clueless.
Though not as clueless as you.
How can you not see you're having these dreams about Adam cheating on you because deep down you want him to help you with the wedding? - No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
Believe it or not, you have actually grown, and you want a real partnership.
You don't want to be the narcissistic, steamrolling monster you've always been.
I'm pretty sure I do.
MARJORIE: Christy, you didn't think you could get your GED.
You didn't think you could get into college.
You didn't think you could get into law school, but you did all those things.
We always look at the mountains ahead of us, and we forget the mountains behind us were just as hard to climb.
Whoa.
We got to start writing this stuff down.
Hi.
My name is Amanda, and I guess I'm an alcoholic GROUP: Hi, Amanda.
I've never been to a meeting before, so I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say.
I don't know how I'm gonna get through today without drinking.
CHRISTY: Hi.
My name is Christy, and I think I'm an alcoholic.
GROUP: Hi, Christy.
This is my first time at a meeting, and, uh I came here because, um I've done a lot of screwed up things in my life, but, the one thing I said I would never do is, uh do drive drunk with my kids in the car.
And then Um And I-I thought that that would be enough to get me to stop, but then I drank again the next day.
Actually, that's not true.
I drank that night.
(sighs) Um, and every morning since, I-I wake up, and I say, "I am not gonna drink today," no but I'm always drunk by 5:00.
Uh No matter what I do, I can't stop.
I'm here to to try to get sober, but, it seems impossible.
AMANDA: So, I'm here today, and I guess that's something.
That's it.
Hi.
I'm Cynthia, and I'm an alcoholic.
- GROUP: Hi, Cynthia.
- You were right.
CYNTHIA: Last night I was out to dinner with some friends Law school isn't the hardest thing I've ever done.
CYNTHIA: For a split second, I thought, "I want to try that.
" Amazing how fast I can forget that I'm an alcoholic.
So, instead, I sipped my cranberry juice Where are you going? I have class, and I've got to find the kid I sold my books to.
CYNTHIA: to remind me every day that I can't have just one.
I mean, maybe I could have one, but in no time, I know I would be back Um, I'm Christy.
Let me give you my number.
no longer be asked out to dinner by friends.
Crazy.
(groaning) - Aah! - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, there's nothing to be sorry about.
Just go back to sleep.
- You sure? - Yeah.
- Wait.
- Aw.
What? - I want you to help plan the wedding.
- Really? Yeah, it shouldn't just be about me.
It should be about us, about our life together, so I need you to be a part of it.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
I always thought it'd be kind of cool to get married on a boat.
- That's not happening.
- Okay.
And see? Isn't this better? Mmm.
- Oh, one more thing? - (sighs) No more shopping at Trader Joe's.
Oh, fine, whatever.
Not that it matters, but you know, the real Louise is gay.
(sighs) How do you know that? Uh it was in the newsletter.
Good night, baby.