Mom s06e03 Episode Script

Ambulance Chasers and a Babbling Brook

How many friends do you have? None better than you.
It's not a trick question.
I'm thinking about how many people we should invite to our wedding.
We could invite everyone we know, which is about 150 people.
Or people we actually like, which is six.
I'm good with six.
On the other hand, if we're gonna do the whole shebang, shouldn't we shebang in front of a wildly cheering crowd? - Here's a thought.
- Mm.
Why don't we find the perfect place for our wedding and let that tell us how many people to invite? God, you're so practical.
What's wrong with me that it turns me on? - Hey.
- Hi.
You want me to make you some breakfast? Ugh.
I have my contracts class this morning.
No solid food before that.
Oh, is that the professor who calls you Christy "Flunk-it"? (sighs) She thinks she's really clever, but I heard that in kindergarten.
I was just trying to motivate you.
You know, if we get the guest list down to four, we could get married in my car.
That's the most practical thing I've ever heard.
Take off your pants.
So, um, the court held that consequential damages could only be levied if both parties were aware of them when the contract was made, and Hadley didn't do that to Baxendale, so, you know no bueno.
Well, Flunk-it, that was a fundamentally correct answer delivered with the confidence of a cartoon mouse.
(high-pitched): Thank you.
Can someone else disappoint me with the particulars of Sullivan v.
O'Connor? Mr.
Hart, you always make me sad.
My hand is shaking too bad to take notes.
Can I borrow yours? I'm not taking notes.
I'm writing, "Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.
" I understand a professor being tough, but this woman's just mean.
How mean? Like, on a scale of one to ten, one being Marjorie, ten being Bonnie? Let me put it this way.
Imagine my mother, but educated.
Ooh.
(exclaims) After my last class, I sat in my car and just cried.
Then I looked at the car next to me and saw another guy from class crying, too.
He saw me, we laughed a little, then we went back to crying.
I try to do my crying right when I wake up, get it all out of my system.
Until bedtime when I cry myself to sleep.
Wendy, is everything okay? Yeah.
Never better.
Why? You want my fruit? You can have my fruit.
Sweetie, if you have time to cry, you have time to go to a meeting.
I'm sure there's one near your school.
I did pass a church with a bunch of jittery smokers outside.
I'll check that out.
Okay, ladies, forks down.
This is important.
I found the perfect place for me and Adam to get married.
- Finally.
- Great.
- Wonderful.
Way to sell it.
Anyway, it's this beautiful garden.
There's a canopy of trees, it's lousy with flowers, and get this there's an actual babbling brook, babbling right through the joint.
It was available for our date, and these other people were sniffing around, so I booked it right on the spot.
Take that, bizarrely-handsome gay couple.
- Sounds great.
- Pay attention.
It's terrible.
She really gives you whiplash, doesn't she? I stupidly told Adam that I cared about his opinion and wanted him to be involved in all the plans and then I made the most important decision behind his back.
What should I do? This is the man you're gonna marry.
Be honest with him.
Not what I'm looking for.
Christy? - I vote truth.
- Nope.
- I would also - Eh.
- Truth is for chumps.
- I knew I should've started with you.
In my experience, the best way to get what you want from a man is to make him think it's his idea.
I've done it with houses, I've done it with vacations, I've done it with me.
I'm liking this.
Go on.
Take him to the place you like first.
That sets the bar.
Then take him to a couple of dumps and I guarantee you, he'll decide he likes the one you already booked.
Question is, Bonnie, are you comfortable being that manipulative? Or maybe the real question is why do I waste my breath? I think you need the fruit.
(sniffling) You okay? I had a really tough morning.
Well, you're in the right place.
I know.
Thank you.
(sniffles) I'm-I'm just having such a hard time with Oh, no.
BONNIE: Mmm.
I'm still smelling the jasmine from that beautiful garden venue.
But get that out of your mind, because here we are at the historic Marino and Sons Barrelworks.
- It's kind of cool.
- I agree, not good.
Oh, I like the high ceilings.
Yeah, but it used to be a barrel factory.
I'm marrying a woman who used to be a coke fiend.
Clearly, what something used to be doesn't bother me.
Fair enough.
The brick walls are great.
Yeah, until I scrape up against them and bleed all over my wedding dress.
That's right, I'm wearing white, and our first dance is to "Boogie Wonderland.
" Moving on.
I tell you, Bonnie, this has good bones.
We could hang some lights across those exposed beams.
(scoffs) Now we're providing our own lighting? Why don't I also build a robot to marry us? I mean, I wasn't totally sold on the beautiful garden, but at least they have their own lights, and I don't know flowers and babbling brook.
I liked the garden.
All right, so we're narrowed down.
It's the fairy tale garden or the serial killer's workspace.
Well I'm pretty seriously leaning towards the garden.
Well, if you feel that strongly about it, Adam, I'll give it to you.
Garden it is.
Great.
So should I call them and book it? No, no.
You chose, I'll take care of the details.
Thanks, honey.
You're the best.
ALL: cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.
Uh, excuse me, Professor? I just wanted to say hello.
Nice to know we're on the same path.
And you are? Christy from your contracts class.
- You call me "Flunk-it.
" - Oh, sure.
I thought you were taller.
Um, if it makes you uncomfortable to have a student in the meeting with you, I can find another one.
- No, don't worry about it.
- Are you sure? Yeah, I'm not coming back anyway.
Okay.
Wait.
I know it isn't any of my business, but can I ask why? Because I'm fine.
I haven't had a drink in over six months.
I've been to a handful of meetings, and I'm always asking myself why am I wasting my time listening to people like you? No offense.
Actually, that's one of the nicer things you've said to me.
Look, when I drink, terrible things happen, so I get I can't drink anymore.
I'm good with that.
What I'm not good with is sitting in a circle, talking about feelings and reciting a prayer that my mother had crocheted on a kitchen towel.
You're lucky.
My mom didn't have kitchen towels.
For most of my childhood, we didn't have a kitchen.
(laughs) My mom's a drunk, too.
That's too bad.
Um, listen, I came here today because I thought it would help, and it didn't.
That happens to me sometimes.
Then I go out for coffee after with my friends from the program, and it gets better.
I like that.
We're going for coffee.
- That'd be great, Professor Stevens.
- Call me Natalie.
Going for coffee, calling her Natalie.
(laughs) Not my coat.
- Mom, are you here? - Hello! How was your day? Amazing! How was yours?! - Amazing! - Are we both in good moods? - Oh, my God, that never happens.
- It never happens.
- What do we do? - I think we're doing it.
- You go first.
- No, you go first.
Manipulation works, honesty jerks.
Help me know what that means.
I tricked Adam, and we're getting married in the garden.
Awesome! And what's your good news? My professor's a drunk! Help me know what that means.
I went to a meeting today, and my horrible professor was there, we had coffee, and it turns out she doesn't hate me, - she's just super broken.
- Oh, that's great, honey! Not for her, but, yeah! We talked for an hour, and now I think we're kind of friends.
- (whoops) Friends? - Yeah.
Oh, good.
You guys are here.
I'm so happy! Us, too! Where you been? - I bought the barrel factory! - What? Help me know what that means.
I'm gonna turn it into a bar.
Are you out of your frickin' mind?! I think our good mood is over.
You're opening a bar? That's so exciting.
Is it, Christy? Is it? Let's talk later.
I have ideas.
Okay, I know this was a little impulsive.
Maybe it's my fault.
We didn't have a rule.
So here it is.
If either one of us goes insane and wants to spend over $100,000, we shoot the other a text.
You don't have any money.
Okay, then, this rule is just for you.
I don't know what to tell you, Bonnie.
I fell in love with the place.
You weren't supposed to love it, you were supposed to hate it.
What's that mean? Be right up.
My daughter needs me.
Why was I not supposed to fall in love with my barrel factory? - Forget it, poor choice of words.
- I know when you're lying.
You do? I don't even know when I'm lying.
Bonnie.
Okay.
Maybe I already saw the beautiful garden with the babbling brook yesterday and got my heart set on getting married there.
Why didn't you just tell me that? Because stupid Jill told me it would be better if you thought it was your idea.
(chuckling): Why? Because I had already kind of booked the garden before you saw it.
Wait a minute.
You're getting mad at me for making a decision without you when you've already made a decision without me.
Yeah, don't compare our decisions.
Yours was momentous, mine was whimsical.
Well, at least I didn't lie about it.
That is a serious breach of trust.
Oh, don't talk to me about trust.
You said you were gonna go wash your car, but instead you bought a bar.
You know, I was having a great day till I came over here.
- Well, so was I.
- Fine, I'm going home.
Are you? Or are you really going to buy an abandoned Petco and make it a discotheque? The court held that the advertisement was a unilateral contract and that the defendant required notice that the plaintiff had purchased their product.
Magnificently wrong.
If I didn't have a mortgage, I would quit teaching at this very moment.
Ms.
Plunkett, can you, again, lead us down the right track? I sure can.
The court found that no notice was required because it was a mass advertisement.
Yes! Thank you.
You are a beacon of hope in a room full of budding ambulance chasers.
I'm available for tutoring if you need it.
All right, that is all the incompetence I can stand for today.
Class dismissed.
- Ms.
Plunkett, can I have a moment? - Absolutely.
And the rest of you If you are planning on being ignorant tomorrow, just go to a movie.
Excuse me, excuse me, professor needs me.
Excuse me.
Oh, great class today.
White-hot.
So my ex said that we were gonna have dinner tonight, and that made me feel like there was hope, but then he just texted me that something came up, and I think it's someone and I didn't even want to be with him, but I am afraid I'm gonna be alone forever.
Yeah.
I bet if we hustle, we can make the 12:30 meeting.
Oh, I would rather just talk to you.
Let's go grab some coffee.
Okay, but I only have an hour.
I have three cases to read for this class.
I just won't call on you.
Problem solved.
But I should still do the reading, right? I don't care.
Is Adam inviting his stuntman friends - to the wedding? - Oh, good question.
I'll have a year sober at that point and random sex will be back on the table.
Not literally.
Maybe.
I'm not even sure there's gonna be a wedding.
Oh, come on, Bonnie, you're not canceling the wedding because Adam bought a bar.
Can I cancel the wedding because he's a dumb-ass? You know, he never would've found that place if you didn't trick him with that whole garden thing.
- That was Jill's fault.
- My fault? You never take a guy to an old factory.
Guys love old factories.
MARJORIE: Christy's right.
This did start with you, Bonnie, you've got to take some responsibility.
- (chuckling) - What? I was just trying to picture you doing that.
(phone rings) Oh, no, it's my professor.
I thought you liked being teacher's pet.
I do.
I don't like being teacher's therapist.
She calls me constantly just to vent.
Oh, really? What must that be like? She is an arrogant, opinionated hot mess who gets along with no one.
You'd like her.
Can't you just tell her to go to a meeting? That's what this one always does.
Or you could tell her to "take responsibility.
" You know, the more childish you get, the more I know I got to you.
Bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip.
(gags) I keep telling her to go to meetings.
She won't go.
I feel like I'm the only thing keeping her sober.
Ooh, red flag, red flag.
May I? Please.
I have to take my vitamins.
No one person can keep another person sober.
You can carry the message, but not the mess.
I'm sorry, did she pick you? But, you guys, since I've been helping her, she's been nice to me.
I haven't cried in my car all week.
So you're using each other.
Well, it is a contracts class.
Christy, you can't be this woman's sobriety, and you certainly can't help someone stay sober to benefit yourself.
You would not be in the wrong right now to go, "Bip, bip, bip, bip, bip.
" - Hey, Natalie.
- Hey.
We are definitely going for coffee after class.
I think I had phone sex with my ex last night.
- Actually - I mean, he called me while I was in the tub what was I supposed to do? I was hoping to make that meeting after class.
Ugh, you and those meetings.
You're better than those people.
No, I'm not.
I am those people.
- And I really need those meetings.
- Why? You seem totally together.
(scoffs) Sorry, no one's ever said that to me before.
Do you want to go to coffee or not? I think I don't.
Great.
I've come to rely on you, and now you're bailing on me.
I'm not bailing, it's just I don't think I can be who you want me to be.
I don't think any one person can.
No, of course.
That's a job for a bunch of losers in a church basement.
We like to think of ourselves as former losers.
Anyway, I I can't tell you what to do, but I can only tell you what worked for me.
Meetings not only help me stay sober, but they also keep me sane.
I understand what you're saying.
- You do? - Absolutely.
(chuckles) Take your seat.
- I hope we can still be - I said take your seat.
And I hope, for your sake, you did the reading.
Hey, Matt, there he is.
Are those new glasses? Hey, uh, so, um, can I, uh, borrow your notes? So I'm thinking, if we put the bar here, we put the flat screens there, there, there, there, there, there, there.
How about there? Don't go crazy.
(laughs) Oh, hey.
Got a minute? - Excuse us.
- Sure.
What's up? I owe you an apology.
Yes, you made a massive decision that will alter the course of our lives forever, but I had a little oopsie of my own.
Which was? Wow, you're gonna rake me over the coals.
Fine.
I should've told you I booked the garden venue instead of tricking you.
Thank you.
But in my defense, if I didn't trick you, you wouldn't have this amazing new bar that I look forward to not drinking in.
You'll be happy to hear I'm naming it Bonnie's Place.
- Really? - No.
(laughs) You can't name a bar after a fall-down drunk.
That's that's bad luck.
Yeah, like that hasn't worked out for every Irish bar ever, but go on.
I should've talked to you before I, you know blew through my life savings.
Well, that answers my next question.
(sighs) I know, it's crazy, but You got to understand I've been kind of lost in the career department since this happened, and the minute we came in here, I could see a bar with good food and happy people and me going from table to table acting like I own the place 'cause I do.
But you know what the best part is? Coming home to you and saying, "Hi, honey.
I had the best day at work.
" All right, I'm in.
But you at least have to name a drink after me.
What would be in it? Everything.
Done.
Hi, I'm Christy, and I'm an alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Christy.
I've been trying, lately, to help someone see the value of this program, but they weren't interested in what I had to say.
The good news is this person's disapproval used to destroy me, but it doesn't anymore.
I haven't cried in my car in a week.
That's huge.
And it's because of you guys.
(sighs) And maybe someday that person will come walking through that door, but it's not up to me.
I've completely let it go.
(door opens) Aw.
I mean, hey!