Mom s06e11 Episode Script

Foot Powder and Five Feet of Vodka

1 It's called a Christmas tree, Tammy.
Or in Germany, a Tannenbaum.
I know what it's called, Big Sauce.
I just haven't seen one in a long time.
Don't they have Christmas trees in prison? No, they kind of frown on joy.
We're glad you're with us this year, honey.
Hey, since everyone's here, how about we draw names for Secret Santa? Huh.
I didn't think ol' "socks and a candle" would be kick-starting it this year.
You said you liked them.
And that was my gift to you.
Hey, I got news for you.
This year, I am winning Secret Santa.
Not a competition.
Marjorie's right.
It's an expression of our love for each other that Christy always loses.
Can we at least up the limit? I mean, $25? What am I supposed to buy y'all, a bag of dirt? Ooh, 25 bucks, that's a little steep for me.
No, that's just a ceiling, Tammy.
You can even make something.
Like venison stew? - Sure.
- Ooh! Stew it is.
Oh! Secret, secret! Lord, I'm getting Bambi in a bowl for Christmas.
All right, everyone.
Please pick with one hand, eyes closed.
If you choose your own name, - you must - We know the rules, Wendy.
Do we? 'Cause last year you picked your own name and gave yourself cash.
I know what I like.
Hint I'd like it again.
Ugh.
You do know whoever you picked is in the room? Well, "ugh" isn't always a bad thing.
Ugh, that's a lovely sweater.
Damn it, I wanted Bonnie.
Who's got Bonnie? Merry Christmas.
Any chance we could, uh, 86 the venison stew? Oh, sure.
Where do you stand on elk? CHRISTY: Hey.
Hey, hey.
No requests.
The point is to use your imagination and think about the dear friend you're buying a gift for.
Ugh.
Son of a bitch.
There's the Plunkett Christmas spirit.
I'm in Secret Santa hell.
- Who'd you get? - I'm not telling.
Look at me.
Wendy.
How do you do that? That brief alien abduction left me with some powers.
It's embarrassing.
We've been friends with Wendy for years and I only know three things about her.
She's a nurse, she's five foot three Two things.
Not to rub it in, but I got blessed by the Secret Santa gods.
You got Marjorie? Can we trade? - No way.
In fact "Cat pillow.
"Add to cart Confirm.
" Ah, she'll be here Tuesday.
No, you tell the driver it was supposed to be three cases of tequila, not six.
That's more than enough.
Morning.
Amazing.
I hear the word "tequila" and I immediately want chips and salsa and to take my clothes off.
I hear "tequila" and I want heroin.
Isn't it funny how our brains work? Oh, just a heads-up, I got to get a deposit check to the wedding band Yeah, well, you know where the book is.
You sign my name better than I do, anyway.
Yeah, but I feel dirty when I don't ask first.
Not really.
All right, I'm out.
Okay, honey.
Go get people drunk.
And you continue to be strangely cool with that.
Hey.
Real quick, Christy and I were talking.
Do you want to go out for Christmas Eve or do you want to do it here family style? Oh, yeah.
About that Tell me you're not working Christmas Eve.
I'm sorry, it's a big night for bars.
People are depressed 'cause they don't have families.
Others are depressed 'cause they do.
Plus, the Raiders are on and that'll depress everyone.
But you're welcome to join in on the festivities.
Great, so my choices are spend Christmas Eve with my kid or in a bar.
Nothing ever changes.
You got your parole officer a Christmas present? Oh, yeah.
Juan's been great.
I got him a bottle of aftershave.
Eight bucks and it comes with foot powder.
Okay, let's get started.
That's not Juan.
Which one of you is Tammy? - Me.
- And who are you? I'm her ride; Juan's cool with me hanging out.
Juan's been reassigned.
And I'm not cool.
Wait, Juan's out? And this is how I'm hearing about it? That's a kick in the lady pants.
I'm Eve Ferguson, I'm in charge of your case.
- You can wait in the hallway.
- Oh.
Okay.
Guess you're on your own.
- I'll be close.
- O-Okay.
- What is that? - Oh, just some aftershave for Juan.
Which you are very welcome to have.
For your fella.
Or your lady.
Or yourself if you like to smell like the sea.
- It comes with foot powder - Stop talking.
Okay, I see you have a place to live and you're in a 12-step program.
I don't see a job here.
You working? - Uh, well, I - Handyman.
The bathroom's this way? Yeah, I've done some handyman jobs.
Uh, I don't see any pay stubs.
I No, it's more of a barter situation.
Trading the work for food or rent.
I did some plumbing for Bonnie's fiancé at his bar.
He's in a wheelchair, if that helps.
It doesn't.
I'm gonna need some proof of employment or I'm gonna be forced to revoke your parole.
Wait, what? Are you serious? Yes, and I'm gonna need it by next Monday.
That's Christmas Eve.
Otherwise known as Monday.
BONNIE: Knock, knock.
I just lost a dollar in the vending machine.
Who do I see about that? I'll take the dollar or the Sprite.
- You need any help? - You offering? No, but I can put the word out.
- What are you doing? - I cracked the Christmas code.
I tracked down Wendy's second cousin in Staten Island who put me in touch with one of her aunts in Newark.
By the way, there is a solid chance that one side of Wendy's family is pretty mobbed up.
Maybe I shouldn't be mean to her anymore.
Yeah, I'd hate to find you frozen in a meat truck.
Been there.
It's not fun.
- So what are you making? - Wendy's grandmother used to make these peppermint meringue cookies every Christmas.
She's dead, I'm not, bam.
Who's your Secret Santa now, bitch? Impressive.
It's no cat pillow, but impressive.
Any luck finding Tammy a job? Not yet.
She didn't finish high school, she hasn't worked in years, she's not good with people.
How the hell did I get a job? Hey, where's our cookie sheet? Oh, sorry, I put it under my car to catch the oil.
Our good towels aren't doing the trick anymore? Adam's got some fancy cookie sheets at his apartment.
- I'll get you his keys.
- Adam bakes cookies? No.
They've got old girlfriend written all over them.
In fact, after you're done, throw them away.
Oh, and grab a couple of his good towels.
(exhales) He's so clean.
How can he marry my mother? (sighs) Uh, hello? - Aah! If you really wanted to hurt me, there's knives right behind you.
(chuckles) Yeah, yeah.
That would've made more sense.
Uh who are you? Daniel.
I'm renting this place for a month.
- You are? - Yeah, Airbnb.
- Who are you? - Christy.
Adam's my mom's fiancé.
I came by to borrow his baking sheets.
I'm making Christmas cookies' it's a Secret Santa thing.
Stop me when you have enough information.
Well, I can't say no to Secret Santa.
Thanks.
Maybe I could come back and bring you some cookies, if you're into that kind of thing.
I'd love that.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Oh, but my boyfriend's gluten-free.
Uh-huh.
Well, then, since we have no future, get your own cookies.
Merry Christmas.
You know Dasher and Sampson And Connor and Gibson.
Eh, maybe I don't know them.
- How'd it go? - It was a hard no.
Apparently, I'm not Macy's material.
I'm sorry.
Did you return my blouse? - Oh, yeah.
Store credit.
- What? No cash refunds after six months.
That's Macy's policy.
See what they're missing? You want to try Pottery Barn? Why bother? I'm an ex-con in my 50's with no job experience.
- Who's gonna hire me? - Maybe we're aiming a little too high.
(grunts) My Spanx agree.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Truck stop hooker? I was thinking flipping burgers in a paper hat.
Ugh, so degrading.
Hello, vodka.
Do you go to meetings five days a week to get over me? Hey.
- Oh.
(chuckles): Hey.
What brings you down here? I needed cookie sheets and my mom said you had some.
Oh, yeah, an old girlfriend left some at my place before she went crazy.
So you have a type.
Yeah, apparently.
I'll bring them over tonight.
Too late.
Got them myself.
And met the guy renting your apartment.
Oh.
Huh.
Yeah.
You didn't tell your mom, did you? No.
I recognize sneaky behavior when I see it.
So what's going on, Sneak? Okay, contrary to what you may see here, this bar is not exactly trending.
Oh, my God.
You're open right now? This is the lunch rush.
I'm sorry.
Eh.
It's not a disaster.
- I didn't say it was.
- I'm talking to myself.
The nights are slow, the days are this.
I have no credit with my vendors, so I have to pay everything up front, including buying uniforms for the health inspector's son's Little League team.
(laughing): The Barrelworks Pirates.
They're one and six.
So you rent your place and stay with us, all good.
But why didn't you tell my mom? 'Cause I love her and I'm gonna marry her, but I'm still kind of afraid of her.
Yeah, and just a little heads up, that never goes away.
Any chance we can keep this between us? Aw, a Christmas lie.
- Now we really are family.
- Yeah.
MARJORIE: You did good, Bonnie.
I'm proud of you.
I don't think Taco Willy's is a career, but it'll keep Tammy out of jail.
I get that we're being supportive, but we're not really eating here, right? Why? I love this place.
Home of the ten-inch taco.
God, there's so much wrong with that.
Welcome to Taco Willy's, home of the Hey! What are you guys doing here? Just showing a little support.
- Love the sombrero.
- Very jaunty.
Thanks.
A group of high school kids just bagged on me pretty good, so I forgot to include their utensils.
So, you liking the job? I'm loving it.
No one here knows I was in prison.
I'm just Tammy.
From London.
Ooh, the manager's giving me the hairy eyeball, order something.
I'll have the ten-inch taco.
All right, mild or en fuego? Uh, what the heck, en fuego me.
You know what? Just give us a-a number one, a number four, an eight, and the aforementioned ten inches of hot magic.
And diet sodas all around.
Coming right up.
That's an uno, a quatro, and an ocho.
I'm learning Spanish here, too.
All right, that'll be $21.
58.
Only $21? One of those things had shrimp in it.
You guys, thank you so much for visiting me at my job.
And on behalf of Taco Willy's, gracias.
Wow, these cookies are a slam dunk.
Oh, yeah? Want to see a slammier dunk? Check out this cookie jar.
Look.
It's a bear that's a nurse.
It's so tacky.
She'll love it.
(phone rings) Hello? Hi, Mark.
Did you get my check? Well, that's weird.
Yeah, I-I'll take care of that right away.
Yeah, thanks.
Bye.
What's going on? The check Adam gave me for our wedding band bounced.
Checks bounce all the time.
Especially at Christmas.
Doesn't mean anything's wrong.
Huh.
All right, better get wrapping on this.
- Unusual shape, could be tricky.
- Hold it.
What do you know? - Nothing.
- Look at me.
Adam's having money trouble at the bar.
How do you know? He's renting out his apartment for extra money.
- What? Why didn't he tell me? - I don't know.
He's afraid of you.
You're a scary person.
Did he really say that? Stop it, that's all you're getting out of me.
Damn it.
Your powers are strong during the holidays.
- Hey, there she is.
- We need to talk.
Wow, Christy couldn't even last a day.
Don't blame her, she's weak.
How bad is it? It's not that bad.
It's bad.
So why have you been lying to me? I wasn't lying, I was just protecting you.
I mean, you didn't need to know I'm losing eight grand a month.
Eight grand a month?! What the (stammers) No, no, don't be scary.
You know what? I don't even care about the money.
I care about you.
I care about us.
I mean, what kind of marriage are we gonna have if we don't share the good and the bad? I know.
I-It's just I'm a guy who rode a snowboard off a cliff and this feels like the stupidest thing I ever did.
Okay, walk me through the worst-case scenario here.
It's 3:00 a.
m.
, you can't sleep because you're seeing - what? - Well, the bar goes under.
- And? - I'm completely humiliated.
- And? - I've lost everything.
Okay, but you haven't lost everything, because I'm still here with you.
Even if I'm broke? Babe, I do broke better than anyone.
I got through 1991 on $11.
So no more secrets, okay? You got to bring this stuff to me.
It's called intimacy, and I'm told it's very important.
Customers, customers, go, go, go.
Welcome to AJ's Barrelworks.
We have a very special beer today, two for $8,000.
Okay, we have time for one more share.
- Tammy, alcoholic.
- GROUP: Hi, Tammy.
Make that unemployed alcoholic.
What? What happened? Everything was going pretty good, and then this homeless guy walks up to the drive-through window.
He's only got a dollar, but big-hearted Tammy hooks him up with a Loco Loco Meal and a 48-ounce Mountain Dew.
I mean, it's Christmas Eve.
Leave it to me to get fired for trying to do something nice.
So now I got to go to my parole officer with no job and nothing to keep her from sending me back.
Aw, hell maybe that's best.
I mean, if I can't keep a job at a taco stand, there's no way I'm staying out of jail.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks to you guys for being so welcoming to me here and being such great friends.
I'm gonna miss you.
So you don't currently have a job? No, ma'am, I do not.
Well, you're not leaving me much choice here.
You've been out eight weeks, no proof of employment.
I don't know how I'm gonna be able Is it too late? May we speak? What is going on here? We are character witnesses for Tammy Diffendorf.
Counselor.
Actually, I'm not really a lawyer yet Just talk.
In the short time we have known Tammy Diffendorf, she has proven herself to be a reliable and law-abiding member of our community.
She has joined a 12-step program and everyone here is willing to vouch for her EVE: Okay, stop.
Okay? This is not about character, it's about employment, and there's nothing I can do.
Well, that is ridiculous.
I want to talk to your manager.
This isn't Neiman's.
Oh.
I'm sorry, but if she does not have a job, she'll goes back to prison.
Okay? That's all there is to it.
She does have a job.
I need my porch painted.
$300.
And I need my gutters cleaned out.
$100.
And I've got a big house.
Come over two times a week and we'll find something wrong with it.
Now, these have to be real jobs.
I need to see invoices and copies of checks.
You'll get them.
We'll get her licensed, put together a website, get her business cards.
Tammy's Handys.
We'll work on the name.
I can't believe you guys are doing this.
Thank you so much.
So this is good, right? I don't have to go back to prison? I'll see you next Monday.
- No, that's New Year's Eve.
- Take the win.
Oh, yeah, Monday, Monday.
Nice! Okay, Gus, go mingle.
Nice crowd for a Christmas Eve.
Right? I guess.
Oh, what the hell do I know? Hey, I thought of a way to take a little stress off you.
I'd love to, but I'm kind of busy.
Not that, you dumb-ass.
I'm thinking maybe we kick the wedding bells down the road a notch.
You want to put the wedding off? Not forever, it's gonna happen, but all the money we're spending on that could be put into this.
You sure? Merry Christmas, I'm not marrying you.
I think my acid reflux just went away.
I love you.
(chuckles) Hey, Bonnie, you're missing all the fun.
- I'll be right back.
- All right.
- Wow, nice jacket.
- Jill gave it to me.
She said it was $25 and I believe her.
I love it Bonnie It's purrrr-fect.
Please stop saying that.
- My turn.
- Get ready.
Oh! A nurse cookie jar.
Thank you.
Wait, look inside.
And cookies, yum.
Not just cookies.
Those are your grandmother's famous peppermint meringues she only made at Christmas.
My grandmother never made cookies.
She was a drunk who shot off her own toe.
Well, your cousin Dominic in Newark begs to differ.
I don't have a cousin Dominic' What are you talking about? I found your whole mobbed-up family on Facebook.
Waste management? Wink, wink.
You got the wrong Wendy Harris, but thank you.
It was really thoughtful.
Do yourself a favor and never talk about that side of my family again.
Open mine, open mine.
Ooh, I wonder who it's from.
Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.
Remember? You would hide it under your mattress and we would read it to each other every night.
Tammy, I loved this book.
- Good job, honey.
- Yeah, you really nailed Secret Santa.
Oh, Jill, they left the price tag on this.
I know.