Mom s06e13 Episode Script

Big Floor Pillows and a Ball of Fire

1 - Previously on Mom - You slept with Adam? We only did it, like 20 times.
You never told me you slept with this monkey.
You porked my wife?! - I wouldn't use that word.
- I would.
- You grabbed her ass? - With both hands.
You did "bad hand" on my woman? I have a drinking problem.
Come here, brother.
Oh, thanks.
Man, you know, I-I was just kidding.
(grunts) You've been reading Cosmopolitan again, haven't you? Don't know why every man doesn't.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
My friend Mitch is coming to town.
- What? - I said I love you.
Drunk Hollywood douchebag Mitch? I know the last time he was here things got a little bumpy A little bumpy? He hit on me and my daughter.
He peed in three places that weren't the bathroom.
One of them was our good salad bowl.
But he's not the same guy anymore.
He sobered up, he divorced Leanne, he's on a whole different path, and he just wants some bro time.
If you ever want to have sex with me again, don't say "bro time.
" Fine.
You see him.
Just keep him away from me.
- Actually - (groans) He just wants to apologize to you and Christy.
You son of a bitch.
- What? - You waited to tell me this till after I had a decent orgasm.
Decent? You practically levitated.
Fine, it was a cascading series of body tremors.
Just like the article promised! So, what do you say? Oh, no, this is way too big a favor for just one go-around.
(laughs) - You're kidding, right? - Nope.
Seriously, why am I still looking at your face? I can't believe you're letting that animal back into our lives.
Well, at least it's only one animal this time.
Leanne's out of the picture.
I'm still kind of shocked they got divorced.
Really? I'm shocked that marriage didn't end in a murder-suicide.
Yeah, but they're kind of made for each other.
Like water parks and diarrhea.
- (door opens) - ADAM: Hey, we're here.
Ugh, I can't do this.
I promised Adam five minutes, and then we can head to the meeting.
I got to stop wearing stuff with handles.
Bonnie, Christy.
(chuckles): You remember Mitch.
BOTH: Hey.
Hey.
Thank you for seeing me.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
You might want to take that as a win and leave.
No.
No, I got to do this.
Christy, Bonnie I owe you both an amends for the wreckage I caused on my last visit.
I hope that you can give me another chance.
(voice breaking): But if you can't I totally understand.
I cry so easily these days.
What do you think? I think making an amends like that is really painful.
Keep going.
I didn't understand what an ass I was.
Ooh, I like that.
Delve into that.
I actually thought my behavior was charming.
That's alcoholic thinking for you.
Anyway, all I can do now is try to repair the damage.
Damn it, that was really good.
Hold on.
Oh, crap.
Real tears.
BOTH: Forgiven.
ADAM: So, are we all Kumbaya here? 'Cause I'm gonna show Mitch the bar while you two go to your meeting.
Actually, buddy, I'm-I'm feeling a little fragile.
I could really use a meeting right now.
- Do you mind if I tag along? - Well? We're not really allowed to say no.
Stupid program.
Come on.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you just got here.
What happened to bro time? Hey, what'd I say about that? So, I'm directing this movie in Dubrovnik, and everybody's looking at me to steer the ship 'cause, you know, I'm the director.
And all I can think is, "I'm a fraud.
" "I'm a drunk.
I'm a liar.
" You're safe here.
I feel that.
So, I start saying the prayer in my head, and I'll be darned if God didn't grant me the serenity to call "action" and send the Harley off the cliff, through the helicopter door, out the other side, where it hit a second helicopter, exploded, ball of fire, dead bad guy, that's a wrap and a Golden Globe nomination.
Golden Globe? Well, if you believe the buzz.
Anyway, I'm just another drunk trying to get through the day.
Well, a drunk who's a Hollywood director.
Wow, lunch goes faster when someone else does the talking.
I don't know how you handle the pressure of making a movie.
I can barely deal with work and school.
If they ever stopped making Red Bull, I'd be screwed.
I actually won three Red Bull Stunt Awards.
But have you ever considered meditating? I tried, but apparently my ind craves anxiety.
Well, it changed my life.
It made me a much better director.
That's four.
Ladies, I just I want to thank you for letting me into the red tent.
I-I've just been so raw since Leanne and I split up.
Yeah, now, what happened there? Well, I got sober, and she couldn't do it.
I love her, but I had to let her go.
Yeah, the road gets narrower, but our life gets better.
Thank you for that.
We're all here for you.
Oh.
No, no, no, ladies, this one is on me.
Finally.
I've been waiting for four years for somebody else to pick up Hold the phone, is that a black card? - This? Oh, yeah.
- BONNIE: Is it true you can buy a Ferrari with that? It's almost rude if you don't.
- Whoa.
- Right? You should shoot a movie here.
I could be in it.
You know, I sing.
I'm panning, and I'm loving.
I'm panning, and I'm loving.
Ooh.
Recast that guy.
- Come on, you like? - It's fantastic.
Where was this place when my blood type was bourbon? I know.
I would've been totally sleeping with the bartender.
Oh, wait, I am.
So, how's business been? Let's just say that there are three people in here, - and I'm excited.
- I don't get it.
This place should be crushing it.
It's got charm, character, an owner you feel a little bit sorry for.
I know.
I keep telling him, work the chair.
You guys done? Never.
Honestly, man, I love it.
I love it.
It's great.
Thanks.
As soon as we start turning a profit, I got big plans.
I want to hear them, but right now I got about a gallon of iced tea in me.
Right that way.
It's the door that says "hombres.
" - Cool.
- Still not sure I should've done that.
So, you two seem to be getting along.
Well, yeah, he's sober now, he kept his hands to himself, and he paid for lunch with a black card.
A black card.
He does love waving that thing around.
Well, maybe he could wave it at us and make our problems disappear.
Seriously, if we want to take this bar to the next level, we need an investor.
I don't know.
Friends and business? That's as bad as having "hombres" on the door.
Oh, come on.
He lives in L.
A.
, so we'd never hear from him.
He'd just send us money.
It's the exact opposite of having a child.
MITCH: Hey.
You ever think of putting TVs above the urinals? I have a buddy who produces 60-second TED Talks.
Perfect for the average whiz.
You go in with a full bladder, you leave with a full mind.
Look at that, Mitch has ideas for the bar.
If only we had money to implement them.
- Bonnie.
- Are you looking for investors? I would never put you in that position, buddy.
What if I want to be in that position? Yeah, what if he wants to? Are you sure about this, Mitch? 100%.
It's part of the program.
The program says that you should invest in a bar? No, it says be of service, help others, get out of self.
I'm your best friend, man.
Let me take this ride with you.
Damn it, Mitch.
Thank you.
Well, I'm gonna let you two have some bro time.
That's right.
That's back in.
I'm gonna go work on my mini TED talk.
Topic: people who dress up in spandex to ride their bike.
Why can't I run them over? This is incredible! We're actually getting to work together again.
- The boys are back! - Yeah! You cool if I have a beer to celebrate? - I would be pissed if you didn't.
- I got to hand it to you, you figuring out a way to get Bonnie to not be mad at you You do a TED Talk on that, let me know.
It's the magic of being on the same path.
(grunts) You're smoking weed? I thought you were sober.
I am.
California sober.
That's a thing? It's totally a thing.
I d I don't I don't drink at all.
But how can you be sober if you're smoking? So, uh, 20 grand enough to get things rolling? Let me get you an ashtray.
CHRISTY: All right.
Here we go.
Quiet the mind.
Yepper-Dee-doo.
Why did I say that? That's not a quiet mind.
(sighs) Okay, here we go.
Ooh, can't forget that eye appointment on Thursday.
(groans) Stop it.
I come from a land down under.
Where the hell did that come from? My knees hurt when I sit like this.
That's probably cancer.
Can you get knee cancer? MAN: Christy Plunkett, you are terrible at this.
CHRISTY: That was my seventh grade science teacher.
What's he doing in here? MAN: Oh, I never left.
Great.
I'm mentally ill, and I have knee cancer.
Hey, check it out.
I ordered a new sign, and the guy mocked up what it's gonna look like on the building.
Ooh, a neon barrel.
That'll really draw a crowd.
Yeah, and look at the negative space.
It's my initials.
I'm not getting that.
What do you mean? "A" for Adam, "J" for Janikowski.
I see a penis.
What? What? No, it's clearly "A.
J.
" Well, either way, it'll draw a crowd.
Maybe two slightly different crowds.
It's fun spending Mitch's money, isn't it? You want fun? Wait'll I put in those foam-less beer taps.
Ooh.
And a new ice maker.
Yeah, and two more PayPoint systems.
Yeah, and that necklace we saw at the mall.
Yeah W-Wait, what? Come on, you got a neon penis.
It's Mitch's money.
But as soon as we get our own, you can get a much smaller version of that same necklace.
It's crazy.
Last time he was here, he was so loaded, he couldn't stand up.
- Now he's a new man.
- Mm-hmm.
Getting clean gave me a second chance in life, it's giving him a second chance, and now it's giving your bar a second chance.
That is the power of sobriety.
Yay, sobriety.
Adam's new sign went up today.
What do you see? - Penis.
- Penis.
A.
J.
Penis.
We see what we want to see.
I so want to see a penis.
Not yours, Barry.
Keep moving.
I was hoping Mitch was coming.
I wanted to tell him he inspired me to try meditating and I'm a new woman.
20 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes at night, and I haven't had to go to the shooting range once.
Wait, what? You're meditating and it's working? Yeah, easy-peasy.
And you only hear your own voice in your head? Well, who else's voice would I be hearing? I don't know.
Maybe your seventh grade teacher you had a crush on until you saw him at the grocery store with his wife and then you cried for three weeks.
Mr.
Borger? I slept with that guy.
You weren't missing anything.
The trick to meditating is to develop a routine.
After a 45-minute massage, some chamomile tea, and a long soak in the hot tub, I go to my meditation room, get on top of some of my big floor pillows, and just doze off.
That's not meditating.
That's taking a nap.
Oh, what do you know? You can't even do it.
Look at this! It's packed! The new sign's working, babe.
The giant penis in the sky! If you erect it, they will come! This is for my pappy! - What's going on? - Uh-oh.
We may not have gotten along on this Earth, but we'll be drinking buddies in hell.
- To Pappy! - OTHERS: To Pappy! Oh, my God, he's loaded.
He relapsed.
This is all my fault.
What was I thinking, asking him to invest in a bar? Hey, look! There's my bar partner.
My bartner! What the hell is going on, Mitch? Mm, I'm trying to hug you, but it's-it's hard, 'cause of the chair.
How do you do it? Let's get you some coffee.
Coffee? (groans) Innkeeper! Work your alchemy! I met these guys in the bar at my hotel.
They all work in insurance.
Can you imagine? Kill me now.
What happened to California sober? "California sober"? You know, he gets high but doesn't drink.
That's not a thing.
You told me it was a thing.
You knew it wasn't a thing.
W Wait, you knew he was smoking pot and you didn't tell me? Well, by that time, we were partners, and then I ordered my penis sign.
This is for my old ma! May she rest in peace, whenever she dies.
She's in a home.
I can't go.
It's too depressing.
- To Ma! - OTHERS: To Ma! CHRISTY: Okay.
Quiet the mind, quiet the mind.
A peaceful lake.
A gentle breeze.
Is this it? Am I doing it? Look at me.
I'm doing it.
Suck it, Jill.
(rapid knocking) LEANNE: Mitch! Bonnie! Bonnie's daughter! (knocking continues) And I'm no longer doing it.
Hello?! Coming! Bonnie's daughter! Oh! I've missed you so much! You have? (chuckles) Don't you remember? We were gonna stay in touch and be friends.
I texted you, like, a million, jillion times.
I never gave you my number.
Oh.
Must've been a different Teresa.
How 'bout you let go of me now? Oh.
Sorry.
Sorry, Teresa.
Oh! I got to be honest with you, I've had a few drinks.
Yes, I know.
I think I got drunk from our hug.
Wouldn't it be great if it worked that way? Anyway, thanks for coming over.
You came over here.
And please tell me you didn't drive.
No, no, I boobered.
That's when you get in a cab and you show the driver your boobs instead of paying.
Where's Mitch?! He owes me money! And why are you sleeping with him, you nasty skank?! Oh! How'd we get here? I told you! Boober! I'm s I'm sorry.
Sambuca makes me mean.
You want some? Easy, easy.
It's a $1,200 sweater.
You were never sober, were you? Sure, I was.
When I was nine.
You went to a meeting with us! Why'd you lie? I want you to like me.
Is it working? Hey! Stanley Tucci gave me this sweater! The Tooch! Larry said you didn't charge any of those people for their drinks.
What are you doing? Listen to me, listen to me.
(sputters) Listen to me.
(coughs) - We're listening! - I have an idea.
I was in a bar in Prague, and they had hookers.
And people seemed to like it.
- (patrons clamoring) - (glass shatters) Oh, great.
My first brawl.
I'm just saying, no one fights in a hooker bar.
Mitch, you miserable prick! You broke my heart! That's not Mitch! I'm not Mitch.
You're not Mitch.
What's she doing here? She showed up at our apartment looking for Mitch.
I figured if I brought her down here, she'd cease to be my problem.
Forget about Mitch.
I like you now.
Everybody, I like Not Mitch! And now she's his problem.
Oh, I feel so safe here.
What are we drinking? I can't believe I fell for this again.
Well, to be fair, I am a Hollywood-level liar.
Well, I should know better, because I'm whatever's worse than Hollywood.
Nothing's worse than Hollywood.
As much as I want to strangle you right now, I can't, because I am you.
Well, I was you.
A drunk tornado ripping through people's lives.
They wanted me to direct Sharknado 3.
Shut up! I'm taking the high road, you toxic cesspool! (exhales) (inhales deeply) What I meant to say was as long as you're drinking, I don't want you in our lives.
No calling, no e-mailing, no texting.
What about Chapsnatch? Nothing.
No contact.
But if you ever sincerely want help I'll be here for you.
Ah.
(chuckles) I see where this is going.
Who's a pretty pony? (sputters) Adam.
(grunting) You were always the good one.
Why'd I stop sleeping with you? What happened to us? Give her a minute.
She'll come back.
What's your name? Leanne, y-you got to get off me.
My fiancée has a temper.
Adam! Bonnie hit me! See? Mitch! Leanne?! Why'd she hit you? No reason.
Seriously? We should all be hitting him.
You poor thing.
I know, right? I miss you.
I love you.
I love you, too.
(grunts) Let's make a baby.
It's true love.
(grunts) What's wrong with me that I'm jealous of them? (moaning) Cosmopolitan, you've done it again.
Believe it or not, this time, Redbook.
- Really? - Yep.
Right next to an article about one-pot winter meals.
(laughing) - I love you.
- I love you, too.
Mitch's check bounced.
Go again.