Mom s06e16 Episode Script

Skippy and the Knowledge Hole

- What is this? - New menu.
New menu? No one asked us.
You put raisins in my Sunshine Salad? Where's my turkey burger? The chicken fingers only come with three now? It doesn't even open.
How can I whisper about Marjorie if I have nothing to hide behind? I knew you weren't ready for this.
Well, that was stressful.
Hey, anybody want to come with me to the bonsai exhibit at the Civic Center tomorrow? Sorry.
Tiny trees make me sad.
That's why I don't eat broccoli.
I can't.
I'm getting something done.
- Bonnie? - I wish I could, but I have plans.
She's helping me study for the GED.
Oh, that's right, I really do have plans.
Unlike Miss Getting Something Done.
I didn't know you were taking the GEDs.
Good for you.
Yeah, it's the first step towards getting my contractor's license.
The second step is learning how not to show up when I say I will.
(laughter) It's so cute.
These two have had a lot of late-night study sessions at my house.
I make them celery stuffed with peanut butter.
We feed it to the cats to shut them up.
You ever hear a cat try to meow with a mouth full of Skippy? (imitates muffled meow) Oh, here comes the smoker.
Bonnie, come sit by me so she doesn't stink up my cashmere.
Would you like to look at the new menu, or is it gonna freak you out? Oh, God, there's a new menu? (sighs) Sorry I'm late.
There was a big accident on the freeway.
Oh, please.
You were smoking.
Both could be true.
They're not, but they could be.
Well, I'm glad you're here.
I brought something for you.
That's sweet.
How come she gets a gift and we don't? And by "we," I mean "me.
" Oh.
They're beautiful.
Never mind.
Whatever that is, I don't want one.
They're lungs.
We use them at the hospital to scare teenagers.
Healthy lung, smoker's lung.
It only takes six months to go from that to that.
So what you're saying is I don't have to quit till June.
Come on, Tammy.
The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to what? Eight.
I'm not looking for a number.
Lot of times it's X.
I'm gonna jump in here.
It's the sum of the squares of the two adjacent sides.
Which is probably 26.
How come you know this stuff so much better than I do? Because we've been going through it relentlessly for six weeks.
God, I'm never gonna pass.
You'll be fine.
You were the "A" student when we were teenagers.
That was many brain cells ago.
You know, before the drinking, the drugs and my Roller Derby concussions.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Tammy, I specifically put the lungs away so I wouldn't have to see that.
Wendy told me to keep it in your face.
How many times have I told you kids to not play lung in the house? Wendy is driving me crazy.
She keeps sending me pictures of smokers with mouth cancer and holes in their throats.
Can you forward me one? It can be your treat when we complete your math review.
The carrot on the stick.
Well played.
Why is my Visa bill so high? Don't look at me.
I haven't used your Visa card since Starbucks started asking for I.
I mean, even in a hat, they won't believe I'm you.
I spent over $200 on cigarettes last month? (exhales) That's it.
I'm quitting.
Wait a minute, so pictures of cancer mouth didn't get to you, but the Visa bill did? We're all gonna die of something.
Until then, I need money.
(gasps) I can't believe you just threw out those cigarettes.
You know, in prison, that's two massages and a cornbread muffin.
I am so proud of you.
I hate that nasty habit.
Awfully judgy for a woman who used to snort coke with a tampon applicator.
Even high, I was an innovator.
This is gonna be good.
This is the right decision.
(chuckles) I just saved my own life.
What have you done today? Oh, Bonnie's been helping me study for the GED.
She knows this stuff better than I do.
Hey, Bonnie.
You know what? You should take the GED with me.
Why the hell would I do that? Well, you could get a high school diploma.
Don't you want one? Come on, Christy, what do you think? Should I have had one final cigarette before I threw them all away? You know, if I wanted a diploma, I could just print one out on my computer like I did with my pilot's license.
- Hey.
- Adam's home.
- Calm down.
- What's going on? I quit smoking.
And it's a nightmare.
I'm trying to convince Bonnie to take the GED with me.
- That sounds like a great idea - Now, don't you start.
- Why? - You always say you hate being a building manager.
Maybe this will open up some doors.
Oh, I see, you're ashamed of me.
Sorry, I'm out.
Okay, guys, I'm just gonna take out the trash.
Oh, wait, honey.
Before you go I will dance on your grave.
What are we thinking? Are we feeling brave? It's just, we're not good with change.
Okay, but you're missing out on the new salad.
New salad? No.
Not ready.
Where's Tammy? She's home studying.
The GED's tomorrow.
That's a shot at me, right? What are you talking about? Because I won't take the test and everyone's harassing me about it.
Oh, my God.
Shut up already.
Take it, don't take it, who cares? So, Christy quit smoking.
I can wear silk again.
And your health, and your health.
Good for you, sweetie.
And just so you know, the next few days could be a little rocky.
Will they, oh wise one? Why don't you just shut the knowledge hole? Okay.
Back to you, Bonnie.
Why wouldn't you want to take the GED? Because I'm not good at tests.
I always fail.
I'm not book-smart.
I'm street-smart.
Which is better anyway.
You know what never saved my life? Geometry.
You know what did? Being able to tell if a drug dealer was a cop.
White socks.
I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit.
I mean, sure, maybe you didn't do well in school, but you were drinking and using back then.
Wendy, what's new with you? Don't try to change the subject by pretending to care about Wendy.
Bonnie, you can't let fear get in your way.
You're a strong, sober woman now, and that means you're capable of handling things that you couldn't handle before.
JILL: Well, that's beautiful.
Beatrice, give me that new menu.
Nope, nope.
(grunts) I spoke too soon.
Do you realize it's been 40 years since we sat together in a classroom? Longer than that, isn't it? Well, it was 1975.
How many years is that? (mouthing) I'm starting to lose confidence about the math section.
All right, everybody, turn off your phones.
The test will begin in two minutes.
I'm so glad we studied together.
I feel so prepared.
How you doing? Good, good, good, good.
Hey, will you switch with me? - Why? - There's a squirrel out here.
It looks like he's wearing pants.
- It's distracting.
- Yeah.
(sighs) (grunts) This chair has a wobbly back.
(whispering): Hey.
My friend thinks you're cute.
Would you mind swapping seats? - You okay? - Perfect.
Except Big Ben is ticking in my ear.
Would you switch with me? Uh, that guy thinks you're cute.
Hey, Bonnie! - So glad we're doing this together.
- Me, too.
PROCTOR: And begin.
(inhales sharply) Which one of you is wearing perfume? Look at those lucky bastards, puffing away without a care in the world.
And all I've got is this stupid cinnamon toothpick.
Yeah, but you're going to live longer than they are.
Step away.
Quitting smoking still hard? Yes, Jill.
Yes, it is.
Why don't you try that nicotine gum? It's supposed to take the edge off.
Do you know how much that nicotine gum costs? Do you know how much anything costs, you princess? I know that if you keep talking to me like that, this princess is gonna pop you right in that cute button nose.
Aw, go ahead.
And I'll give you a refreshing cinnamon blast right in the eye.
You know what? I'm gonna go scrub the sink.
Come on, Wendy, show me how.
Don't we usually have more cookies left over? Christy ate, like, 30 of them.
Do not ask her about it.
Oh, my God, you guys.
I got my score.
I passed! Oh, fantastic.
Mom, did you get yours? I failed.
What? No.
No, it's okay.
I'm good.
- You sure? - Yeah.
I'm fine.
This one would like to stay out.
Mom, you okay? Want a cookie? Toothpick? Split a pack of cigarettes? I don't need you to feel sorry for me.
And stop eating these.
I talked you into this.
It's all my fault.
No, it's not.
I failed a test.
I've done it a million times.
You knew this stuff.
What happened? What always happens I couldn't focus.
I forgot everything.
I didn't even finish.
It didn't help that the room was, like, 1,000 degrees and there were sirens and dogs and a mouth breather who sounded like Darth Vader.
Seriously, try to concentrate with this going on behind you.
(deep, rasping breaths) Bonnie, when can you take the test again? Never.
Now, come on, let's go celebrate the one person in this room who actually is smart.
I don't know how many times I have to remind you people I have a master's degree in art history, but okay.
I'll meet you guys outside.
I got to go to the bathroom.
- (whispers): So do you.
- Oh, so do I.
What's up? I just feel bad celebrating in front of Bonnie.
Oh, that's understandable.
But, honey, this is a big deal.
And it's okay for you to be proud of yourself.
Good, 'cause I'm really, really proud of myself.
I passed, I passed, I passed.
- Come on, Marge, dance with me.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay.
I passed, I passed.
My hip.
My back.
My leg.
Uh-uh, Christy, we're waiting over here for them.
I'm coming.
Hey, Bonnie, have you ever thought you might have A.
? Now, why would she have an alarm company? She barely has any furniture.
Attention deficit disorder.
Oh, that you definitely have.
Really, Jill? Is that your master's degree in finger painting talking? You know, it would explain a lot.
Why don't you go back to whatever crab boat you're the captain of? I know a doctor who can test you.
- Ugh.
- Wouldn't kill you to check it out.
Actually, I think it would, because if I find out I have one more thing wrong with me, I'm gonna go home and put my head in the oven.
It's electric, but you can try.
All right, let's go.
It's okay, blow right in my face.
JILL: Christy! Love you guys.
Smell you tomorrow.
What are you doing up? Nothing.
What are you doing up? Nothing.
What are you looking for? I thought I might have some ice cream is all.
Oh, good, 'cause I threw out the cigarettes you hid in there.
Damn it.
So, why are you really up? I'm reading about A.
I found this online test that helps you figure out - if you might have it.
- Did you take it? About half, and then I found your credit card and bought a pair of yoga pants, just for old time's sake.
Well, first, give me my card.
It's already back in your wallet.
What is this, amateur hour? All right, let me see this test.
(sighs) Do you have trouble finishing projects and activities? That's when I saw the ad for the yoga pants, so what do you think, sometimes? Sure.
Have you ever experienced problems with drugs and alcohol? (both laugh) (both sigh) Do you ever have difficulty staying focused during boring or repetitive tasks? What's going on? Things were heating up in there, and then you just wandered off.
- Sometimes.
- Sometimes.
There it is.
Right? Thought you quit.
I did.
Twice this morning, and again ten minutes ago.
I don't get it.
Why was I able to quit drinking, drugs and gambling, but I can't beat this? Well, 'cause you had a lot of support with those other things.
You ever considered Nicotine Anonymous? Do you get a kickback for every group you get me into? - No more programs.
- Okay.
Maybe you're not ready to stop.
But I hate it.
My friends hate it.
It makes me smell bad.
It's wreaking havoc on my skin.
My teeth are turning yellow.
I'm hacking up stuff that should not come from a human.
Excuse me, can you take this inside? This is my last one, and then I'm quitting.
Yeah, this is my last one, too.
(laughing) Hi.
I'm Bonnie, and I'm an alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Bonnie.
So, I just came from the doctor, and he says I have attention deficit disorder.
And it kind of explains my whole life.
My trouble at school, jobs, relationships.
Good news is he says I can take the GED again and ask for extra time.
I can even take it in a room by myself if I want to, where there are no distractions.
You know, a do-over.
I kind of wish I could get a do-over for the other stuff I've messed up in my life.
How did no one notice this? I mean, if one foster parent or teacher or anybody had said, "Hey, this kid isn't dumb, she just needs a little help," everything could have been different.
I mean, I've spent my entire freaking life struggling, and now I find out it didn't have to be that way? Who knows what I could have done? That's all I got.
Oh, one more thing.
If you've ever been mad at me for falling asleep or texting while you're sharing, you can't be.
I have A.
This new salad is the best.
Why did we resist it? I know.
Nectarines, corn and cranberries don't seem like they go together, but they do.
Kind of like us.
(all groan) I don't know what you guys are talking about.
I hate it.
Excuse me, Bea? When I ordered this salad, I didn't realize there was all this gross stuff in it.
All the gross stuff is listed on the menu.
Yeah, but here's the thing.
I have A.
I'll light a candle for you.
I'm gonna make you a t-shirt that says "I have A.
" so you don't have to say it as much.
Well, I won't remember to wear it.
You know why? I got to feed my meter.
Wait, before you go smoke, we all chipped in and got you something.
If this is a kidney or a heart or any other diseased organ, I'm going to chop it up and put it in your salads.
Everything else is in here.
Why not throw it in? Come on, open it.
Nicotine gum.
Have I really been that cranky? ALL: Yes.
Oh, like you're all so freaking low-maintenance.
Yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead and pop one in right now.