Mom s06e19 Episode Script

Lumbar Support and Old Pork

1 - Hey.
Morning.
- Can you grab the milk? (yelps) - Oh, my God.
Is it another rat? - No.
It's food.
Close it and open it again.
I don't believe it's real.
Who did this? Not me I've got four dollars in my wallet and it's got to last me till next week.
Well, it wasn't me either and, by the way, you have two dollars in your wallet.
Look, look.
There's strawberry jam.
With seeds.
So you know it came from real strawberries.
- Morning.
- Adam, there's food in the house.
(chuckles): I know, I bought it.
I'm tired of coming home at 2:00 a.
m.
after work and finding a box of baking soda and a fuzzy lemon.
Okay, this jam is mine, I called it.
You know, I went crazy and bought - some bread to put that on.
- Bread? I want bread.
I call that, too.
- Adam, how much did you spend? - Don't worry about it.
We're doing really well at the bar and we deserve nice things.
Nice things I get, but what's with the fancy-ass beans? They're not the grocery store brand? Nope.
Check out the lid.
(gasps) A pop-top! Okay, Bill Gates, now you're just showboating.
How's the fruit looking today? Must we do this dance? You're right.
Cheeseburger and fries.
- You? - I'll just have a side of mayo.
I'm not even in the mood to ask.
Is there a new mayo diet? Is it hard? Is it working? 'Cause you look good.
I'm on the eat all the food in the fridge before it spoils diet.
She had a turkey leg and a box of cherry tomatoes for breakfast.
Yeah.
You could have helped out, too, Miss "yogurt that still had a week to go.
" I usually like their fights, but I don't get this one.
Adam's bar is finally bringing in a little money and he had the audacity to fill our fridge with food.
And I'll be damned if I'm letting any of it go bad.
Here, banana-tizers all around.
That's great that his bar's doing well.
(panicked shushing) Jinxsy! Don't say it out loud.
Um you just salted that guy's baby.
Why aren't you happy the bar's doing well? (exclaims) What did Bonnie just say? He smiled.
(chuckles) Oh, stupid baby thinks it's snowing.
Look, I'm glad it's happening, I just don't want Adam going crazy with it.
He bought food.
And running shoes.
Running shoes.
- (phone chimes) - Aw.
- ALL: Yuri.
- But it's even better.
It's him holding a cat.
Ooh, let me see.
(gasps) (chuckles) (meows) (meowing) Take the phone back.
It's his cousin's cat, they're roommates.
(gasps) Which reminds me, Christy.
Sergei just broke up with his girlfriend and I - I'm in.
- Maybe I'd fix you guys up, I mean - I said I'm in.
- he's pretty cute and I think you guys Did you not just hear her? She's about to jump up - on this table and start twerking.
- I really am.
Okay, great, well, how about we go to their place for dinner Friday? No, no, not Friday.
We've got four pounds of pork shoulder that's best before the 17th.
I haven't touched a man in ten months.
I'm willing to take my chances with old pork.
Picking up your entire life and moving to a strange country? I can't imagine.
Hmm.
- You must get homesick.
- Sometimes.
But then I shove ice cube down his pants and say, "Snap out of it!" (laughs) (laughs) It's funny every time.
(chuckling) How did you learn to speak such good English? Ah.
Watching Law and Order: SVU.
"In the criminal justice system, "sexually based offenses are BOTH: considered especially heinous.
" It's happening.
No pressure whatever happens, happens.
But it's happening.
Who's ready for Duncan Hines Bundt cake? TAMMY: Ooh.
- They raise their hands here.
- Oh.
Go relax on couch, we'll clean up.
(Christy chuckles) - So what do you think? - He's amazing.
(chuckles) They're both amazing.
- They cook, they clean.
- And they're gentle, sensitive lovers.
Well, mine is.
And Sergei plays the guitar, so I can only assume - I could have a Russian boyfriend who plays guitar? - (chuckles) Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I always do this, I get ahead of myself.
Yeah, you're right.
It's just the first date.
Be cool.
But we are totally having a double wedding.
Right? (laughs) Dessert is served.
Sergei, he make this cake himself.
It's moist because it has pudding inside.
It's sweet that you guys are so close.
We are like Three Musketeers.
But only two.
Don't make me emotional in front of women.
(knocking at door) Please enjoy your moist cake, I will get this.
(chuckles) Yuri, your cousin is so nice.
Ah, he has good heart.
(Yuri yelling in Russian) (overlapping arguing in Russian) (yelling continues) Is everything okay out there? It's just business.
(arguing continues in Russian) (man speaking Russian) (yelling in Russian) Sergei, please.
We are entertaining.
I Forgive me, ladies.
Five minutes and then Pictionary.
(terse whispering) - Christy, how's your cake? - Stolen.
I mean, moist.
I mean, good.
Who's uncomfortable? Is that a new hat? I guess, maybe.
I don't know.
Well, you either went to a store and bought a hat or you didn't.
F-Fine, I bought a hat.
(scoffs) You might want to be nicer to me, I'm taking you out for a surprise.
I hate surprises.
- What kind of person hates surprises? - The kind who was in the bath when the DEA broke down the door.
The first time.
The second time? (scoffs) I was ready for them.
Well, this is a good surprise.
Are we shopping for expensive hats? Oh, my God.
I got it at the car wash.
Oh, so now we're going to fancy car washes.
Yeah, I was in line behind the queen.
Uh, B-Bonnie.
Bonnie, you got to get over this.
I'm making money.
You're right, I'm sorry.
And I'll try.
Good, 'cause we're here.
What? No.
No, no.
I don't want a new car.
I don't need a new car.
- My car is fine.
- (stammers) Your left window doesn't close, you have a hole in the floor and when you park it out front of the bar, it scares customers away.
Is the bar doing well or are customers scared away? 'Cause it can't be both.
There she is, my favorite ex-mother-in-law.
Oh, God.
This yahoo? Hey, Baxter.
Was she surprised? Yeah, it made her super mad.
You know, everything you want a present to do.
I'm not angry.
I just don't need a new car.
Will you at least let him show you - the one that we picked out? - (groans) Fine.
(claps hands) Change is uncomfortable.
But you know what is not uncomfortable? Heated leather seats.
My ass is hot enough on its own.
Slide on in there, Bonnie.
Got the yacht rock all fired up.
Christopher Cross and you are ready to ride like the wind.
Just don't get caught between the moon and New York City.
(chuckles) Stay in your lane, Wheels.
I got this.
I don't know how many times I got to tell you guys I Oh.
Lumbar support.
Shuts the yapper every time.
Hey.
I see a little smile.
Someone's starting to like it.
Okay, okay, how much? Don't worry about that, we can afford it.
How much? I worked out the sweetest deal ever.
Zero down, $350 a month.
- How many months? - Does that - How many months? - 72.
72 months? Who knows if we'll still be together! Wh-What? We're getting married.
Yeah, you can get out of that.
This, you're locked in.
Let me out.
Get me out of here.
- There's a button.
- Well, there's a million buttons! ("Ride Like The Wind" by Christopher Cross playing) Will you Bonnie, stop.
Screw it.
I'm going C-section.
Be careful on the roof, these things are not well made.
I will see you at home, and don't be late 'cause I'm making that ham.
- Want to get high? - Absolutely.
Hey, Taylor.
How's your day? How's it going? What, your friends aren't here so now you want to talk? Oh, come on, I'm not like that.
- Hmm.
- Don't you have a son in college? I'm 30.
Well, this has been fun.
Hey, Tammy! Sorry I'm late, I was at Yuri's.
We had the place to ourselves, - and we - Please stop.
Oh, I need to say it out loud.
We made love.
Good for you.
Oh, that reminds me, this is from Sergei.
An Apple Watch? To quote Sergei, he's "smeetten" with you.
Tammy, I can't keep this.
Why? Despite the fact that it looks cool and Oh, my God, it's taking my pulse I'm pretty sure it's stolen.
What? No, he knows a guy.
Tammy, we both know what it means when you know a guy.
(scoffs) And come on, that business in the apartment with the TVs Okay, so no man's perfect, but I really think you should give Sergei another chance.
I'm not talking about me.
You're on parole and Sergei's obviously involved in illegal activity.
You're taking a huge risk every time you're in that apartment.
Well, I can't take Yuri to Marjorie's, it's the least sexy place on the planet.
(imitating Marjorie): "Oh, are you two gonna get hot and bothered?" This is serious.
You could go back to prison.
Look, I'm not stupid, okay? I know Sergei's a little shady, but Yuri's clean.
Even if he is, the fact that he lives with him Stop.
I got this.
I have an amazing guy and I'm not screwing it up.
I think I'm just gonna go.
- Tammy - No, you know what, I could eat.
I just made love for three hours.
Can you believe that guy? Men, always trying to buy us cars.
You think this is a joke? I don't know.
For as long as I can remember, you've always said, "If I ever have money, I want a new car.
" I just think this spending is tempting the fates.
You know, putting a big target on us, like, "Hey, Universe, look over here.
We got money.
" Next thing you know, your pet monkey rips your face off.
At least you'd have money for a new face.
No, I wouldn't because Adam spent it all on hats.
Hey.
Hello.
- Is that the hat? - Uh-huh.
Good Lord.
- I don't want to fight.
- I don't either.
Well, good.
I'm just confused.
What is the point of me busting my ass, smelling like wings and beer, barely spending any time with you, if I can't at least treat my family to a few nice things.
Aw, he called me family.
You're so easy.
It's just I've always wanted to have money and now that we do, I'm afraid we're gonna lose it.
Oh, you worrying about us going broke makes me feel like you don't have much confidence in me.
Well, I'm sorry, I don't mean that.
Then can you maybe try to trust me? Yeah, Mom, for the family.
All right, I will trust you.
Good, because I bought you the car.
What? How could you do that? What? Because I know you're gonna love it.
Ow! Unbelievable.
You're so selfish.
- That really dinged me.
- Selfish? Left a dent.
You know what? I'm gonna take it back.
You do what you want.
Am I bleeding? Where'd you park it? It's the only car out front with a bow on it! I'm a little dizzy.
Mama? So he-he just threw the keys at you? I don't really remember.
I kind of blacked out.
Anyway sorry for coming by unannounced.
Oh, it's okay.
Lots of people come here unannounced.
At least it's not 2:00 in the morning.
Yeah, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.
You know Tammy's on parole, right? Yes, I love her anyway.
She could get into a lot of trouble for dating a guy who's living with a sweet, handsome, but obviously criminal cousin.
Which reminds me, please give this back to Sergei.
Oh, Sergei's not criminal, he is what we call "middleman.
" Dimitri and Misha, now those guys are criminals.
Look, you don't want Tammy to go back to prison, right? Of course not.
But you live with somebody she can't be around.
Oh, so as long as I'm living with Sergei, she's at risk? Yes.
I get it.
Thank you, Yuri.
No, thank you, Christy.
Shall I tell Sergei that you came by? I'm not on parole, why the hell not? - Hey there, can I tell you about our - No.
- You look like you're in the market - No.
- There's my favorite - No.
Office, now.
- Want a jelly doughnut? - No! Well, I do.
What's wrong? Having trouble with the Sirius XM? A lot of our older custom A lot of our customers do.
I'm returning the car.
- Bonnie, sit down.
- No.
Okay, well, I'm sitting.
I'm on my feet all day.
Hey, if I showed you a thing, could you tell me if it's a corn? I want you to tear up the contract.
Look, I have a pretty good idea of what you're going through.
You got jelly on your shirt.
Aw, damn it.
Dance with a jelly doughnut, sometimes you pay the piper.
Look, when I met Candace, I was living in my van.
Now I have a five bedroom house, membership at a golf club, collection of vintage arcade games.
(chuckles) Frogger, so underrated.
Son of a Is this going somewhere? What I'm trying to say is it took me a while to get used to having nice things, but it turns out, it's great.
But aren't you afraid it's all gonna go away? Even if it does, at least I enjoyed it while it lasted.
Huh.
That actually makes sense.
Really? 'Cause when I was saying it, it sounded weird.
I don't know, maybe I am getting in my own way.
I've always been a "live in the moment" kind of gal, and now I'm obsessing about something that hasn't even happened.
Thoughts are not reality.
Wow, listen to me, and I'm not even high.
Baxter.
Fine, tail end of a good buzz.
Enjoy this while you can.
Aren't you afraid it's gonna make you soft? Oh, I'm soft, but Candace is loaded.
As long as I'm with her, I'm fine.
And you sure you two are solid, jelly boy? Yeah.
Are we solid? Hey, sweetie, I just called to say I lo Yeah, sure, you can call me back.
It's fine.
She's just a little busy.
Hey, Tammy.
Aren't you going inside? - I've been waiting for you.
- Oh.
- (mocking): Oh.
- Oh Yuri told me you had a little talk with him.
Okay, yes, you're mad, but I just felt it was important - that he knew - He dumped me.
- What? - Yeah.
No.
No, no, no, no, he wasn't supposed to dump you, he was supposed to dump Sergei.
He can't dump Sergei, he's family, and he's the whole reason Yuri's in America.
- I'm so sorry.
- I thought we were friends.
We are.
That's why I did it.
I love you too much - to see you go back to prison.
- (scoffs) I set you up on a date, and you ruined my life.
Tammy, come on.
Just a heads-up, I'm gonna share the crap out of this in there, and I'm not gonna say your name 'cause that's not cool, but they're gonna know.
Oh, they're gonna know! And I've got such a long way to go Such a long way to go To make it to the border of Mexico So I'll ride like the wind BOTH: Ride like the wind Gonna ride like the wind Bah, dah, dah, dah Bah, dah, dah, dah - What are you looking at? - Bah, bah, bah, bah BOTH: Bah, dah, dah, dah Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah Bah, bah, bah This is what I wanted to see.
- You happy, enjoying this.
- I am.
And you even upgraded the model, got all the bells and whistles.
Hey, I wanted to do it right.
We might have to live in this thing someday.
But still, did you need the rear entertainment system? You guys ever see Minions? It is so good! I could totally live back here.
(music volume increases) Ride like the wind BOTH: Bah, dah, dah, dah Bah, bah, bah, bah, dah, dah, dah, dah.